Lamplight

[Alcy]

A great big fat DIBS!

Hi Watty,
After Dibsing early I am finally back to deliver the promised feedback. I’d like to give a great big ‘ugh’ to the oval table meeting, I can’t imagine a more unsettling situation for Willow to be in, that is until Tara walks in…and then it’s unsettling for both of them. I smell a great big rat there in the form of Wilkins and his cronies and am very glad that Willow is taking all due diligence to follow the proper formalities.
Ugh-ness was fully made up for at the end of the meeting when Tara agreed to go out with Willow for dinner. It did read a little like they’d been on a date despite their agreeing it wasn’t that, although that was quickly dispelled by Tara’s impulsive arm-linking with Willow. It’s just such an act of familiarity and it made me feel comfortable and uneasy at the same time.
I’m also uneasy about the complications that Tara mentions, why is it that I suspect her complications are not the complications of us ordinary souls? I suspect that her work may come affect the rebuilding of her relationship with Willow? But uneasiness and discomfort aside, the sweet ending brushed it all aside…and I really hope they took the touching and finding inside before it got too carried away! Thanks very much Watty, a pleasure as always
Cheers
Alcy

[Willowtree252]

Watty I am still chanting but hopeful. Wilkens is evil for sure but our girls are so close to rekindling there love and I am glad for that I just hope Willow don,t go down in flames.

[db]

dude. whoa. what just happened?

I am delighted. They finally finally kissed... but the fact that they had a good evening that ended with both an invitation and a kiss? My wild speculation magic 8-Ball says this is going to end poorly if they jump into bed right away. Don't get me wrong, it was sweet and good and Willow and Tara smooching and acknowledging feelings is way high on my squee list (squee, btw)... but the last interaction they had was all angst/childhood baggage/hurt feelings/judgemental/not-acknowledging stuff out loud.... so my inner willow tara cheerleader is saying .

So I am having dread.

because this:

There was a small needy sound, then carefully built barriers folded and drifted away with the snowflakes and they couldn't stop kissing, and touching, and finding.

Sounds like Watty-speak for nekkidness. Does this mean there was nekkidness? Am I just wild specualtion girl out on a binge? I guess I am hoping they don't jump right in bed just yet. I think it may be too soon and that hearts will end up getting trampled. Specifically Willow's.

Poor Willow has been harboring feelings for Tara *forever* and she has acknowleged as much to Tara, but all Willow knows is that Tara has rejected her again and again and again... from the first kiss to the moving out and away, to the weeks of avoidance... Willow has put her heart and hopes on the line. And I am so so glad that Tara invited her up and accepted her dinner invitation and that they had a good night , but I am scared that Willow is going to end up being even more hurt if they sleep together now without the 'Big Talk' first. *glowers at Tara* Tara ought not to screw around with Willow's emotions.

Wilkin's evasive manoevering seems underhanded and slimy. Willow shouldn't just look the other way. He's a slime ball, and his other employees seem snake like and unpleasant. I wonder what Willow thinks of them? I think she's impressed with Tara; with seeing Tara in this light. I think it is a bit shallow and possibly blechy that seeing Tara in this way seems to have prompted an increase in the respect scale. Does Tara see it that way? Will Willow? And what about the whole Wilkins slimeyness and Willow passing off the details onto her boss... I don't really think he'll take the fall for her if it comes down to it... bosses never do.

I can't even tell you how much I have been looking forward to this update!

db

edited 'cause that one sentance didn't make any kind of sense!

[ellisande]

I love that last paragraph. Its so eloquent, plus W/T kissing is always a good thing. I can't wait for more, even though I suspect there's some more messy stuff on the way too. I don't like Willow being put in a position where Wilkin's has leverage over her as well as his hold on Tara, it seems very ominous.

[Thianne]

don't even try to mess them up later watty! i'm warning you! and that was so nice

[tazraven]

Alright, time for me to catch up on everything I missed due to my mother's unfortunately timed visit. Great, great chapter Watty. But yet again, I am left feeling, well, not as uncomfortable as before, but still a far cry from comfortable.

If happiness could be defined, it was that pinpoint moment within the four walls of a nameless conference room when two lost hearts took another tentative step closer to finding what they thought had gone forever.

That just warmed my little heart. And it really seems so true. For years they have been empty, and that exchange, it was perfect. While I was reading this chapter, I thought back to where this story started off. Two little girls, promising to be each other's family. We're far away from that, but this chapter gave me hope that the girls can reclaim it. I find it amazing, though, how this story began. I feel like I'm almost reading an entirely different story. I started out thinking this would be a cute Willow and Tara story, minor angst, many smoochies. Boy, I was totally wrong. Though this chapter did give us some smoochies

She pulled them closer and, subconsciously noting that Willow hadn't flinched, captured Willow's lips in hers. There was a small needy sound, then carefully built barriers folded and drifted away with the snowflakes and they couldn't stop kissing, and touching, and finding.

Once again, another amazing quote. They finally kissed, after that kiss from so long ago, back when they both were innocent and totally different people. And just as they were different people then, this kiss was so much different. It didn't seem as awkward or tentative. It seemed passionate, needy, like this kiss had been years in the making, and in a way it was. Another great chapter. 'Til next time.

~Sara

[Emms]

WOW WOW, Watty! Loved the update. and the kiss at the end was just so romantic...

They're falling into place again and it's happening without planning, talking or over thinking...

This is just simply brilliant, sweetie.

I can't wait for the next chapter.

xoxo
Emms

[JustSkipIt]

Watty - beautiful but also omnious is how I would describe this (not that anyone asked). Willow's working hard and impressing higher-ups but it all seems to shady. And Wilkins is up to something. Lilah and Alan = ugh. Good that Wilkins is putting Tara on it.

I was shocked when Tara agreed to dinner so instantly. This was crushing though:

"Tough. Soul-destroyingly tough. Or as Mr Wilkins would say, character-building tough," Tara finally said with a wry chuckle,

Ouch. That's not like a little hard. That's ... well she said it. I'm thrilled though to see that finally Willow understands Tara's position and why/how she got there. And Tara's making a pass at Will. Ah. The last line is beautifully delivered and brings us so much expectation for this week. Well done.

[JujuDeRoussie]

just one thing:



thank you

Julia

[watty]

Alcy -- yay for the greatness and bigness and fatness of dibs. Business meetings are never pleasant (in the "spend the afternoon at the beach" type of pleasantness) and it could have been much worse but for Willow's professionalism. Wilkins is a rat and more, we haven't seen the last of him I'm afraid. The dinner was definitely a date, how could it not be? But it was easier to label it as just dinner, so they didn't have any expectations. I was afraid that the readers may think that they forget about the awkwardness and their history too quickly, with the arm-linking and the kissing, but I'm glad it was well received. Tara had to be the one initiating these, because Willow for all her feelings towards Tara would never have made the first move. Thanks for the support, Alcy.


Dianneswillowtree -- hopeful chanting is good. They are getting closer, but whether Willow will go down in flames, let me take a leave out of Debra's book and say "we'll see."


db -- I get it, your confusion and sense that something happened too fast too soon.

My wild speculation magic 8-Ball says this is going to end poorly if they jump into bed right away.

Oh yes, your magic 8-ball is absolutely correct. There's a lot of unresolved sexual tension but once relieved, where do they go from here? at wattyspeak for nekkidness. Will there be nekkidness? Well, don't forget the angst rating for this fic is sky-high, so well ... let's see what happens next, huh?

Tara ought not to screw around with Willow's emotions.

I think we need to make Tara chant "I will not screw this up" just like Car's Tara in Coming Back.

I think it is a bit shallow and possibly blechy that seeing Tara in this way seems to have prompted an increase in the respect scale.

I actually think it's a good thing rather than it being shallow. Willow has been so closed off to her emotions that it probably needed something as unemotional as seeing how Tara operate in a confident corporate manner to push her.


ellisande -- welcome. Thanks for the comment about the last paragraph, I wanted a little warmth among the snow and the coldness / angst that has plagued them all through. Ominous yes, but there's hope.


Vale -- you think I'll mess them up? I'll put them through the wringer but I'll always make things right, don't I?


Sara -- I understand what you say about not as uncomfortable but not completely comfortable. There's too much to deal with, that one kiss isn't going to sweep all the history and hurt away. This story started off with two 14 year olds and their innocent view of their future (remember the house with animals and children?). Life hasn't given them that smooth road to travel on, but still there is much hope. They are different people now, 10 years later, but not as different as they think. Thanks!


Emms -- I'm glad the kiss came across as romantic and not forced. Things are happening, and in a more natural / progressive way than they expected. Must be a good thing! Thanks, dear.


Debra -- it was a sweet kiss but there's so much happening around them that they need to deal with (Wilkins' creepy plans included). That said, now that they've taken one small step, it should be easier to move on.

I'm thrilled though to see that finally Willow understands Tara's position and why/how she got there.

I really believe that being in a work setting is the best way of getting through to Willow, and making her realize what Tara had to go through. I'm glad you like Tara making the pass at Willow, with all her pushiness Willow won't have dared kiss Tara. We needed Tara to make the move. Thanks!


Julia -- right back at ya, thanks!

[br]

[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.



Part 16

"Only ten shopping days till Christmas!!!" the banner screamed as Tara neatly sidestepped a shopping bag mountain supported by a pair of Chloé Silverado leather buckle knee boots. She was at Bloomingdale's, drifting and passing time, at least that was what she tried valiantly to convince herself. If she saw something, she'd get it for Willow as a holiday present, but only if something caught her eye. She wasn't there, braving one of the most crowded stores in New York during the busiest shopping season of the year, specifically to buy a present. Specifically for Willow. Oh no, that would imply they were at some sort of 'present buying' stage of a, oh heck, budding relationship.

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Another shopper jostled her and she decided she was kidding herself that she was just browsing. No one voluntarily went to a place to get suffocated and pushed around and trampled; she was better off focusing and actually trying to find a present, then going home to wait for Willow's call.

She missed Willow. Admitting it no longer brought anxiety and heartache in equal doses, as it did the first few times it hit her. The smallest thoughts, a smell, the way her skin hummed, would send snapshots of Willow to her mind. They hadn't succumbed to their bodies' desires that night; with superhuman effort they pulled away after kissing for an eternity, acknowledging that they weren't ready. There was a fine balance between talking too much about the past and forgetting about it and moving on, but jumping into bed wasn't it. They laughed at how mature they were. Fortunately they hadn't been completely sober with intimacy, enjoying soft gentle touches on Willow's couch or in front of Tara's fireplace whenever they found time. They talked a little, sometimes a lot, then there were times when they let their developing closeness do the talking. There was a certain genteel, gay pleasantness knowing that there was no obligation for sex.

As Thanksgiving gave way to December, Willow left for a roadshow that took her to Washington DC and down the east coast to Miami. Tara couldn't believe how mopey she got, just like the lovesick teenager that she never was. It had always been Willow of course, even throughout the years after she abandoned her Sunnydale life. She hadn't allowed herself to think about Willow during the last six years because she didn't deserve anything, or so she thought. She'd already had her second chance when Mr Wilkins brought her to New York, that was more than a penniless girl could ever dream of. Getting a second chance, and in love too, was inconceivable. It was easy to close off the part of her heart and wallow in the sort of emotionless contentment that she had settled into.

She knew that she had been sending mixed signals to Willow and needed to come to terms with her own feelings once and for all. She didn't need to have a degree in psychology to know that she had self-esteem issues, particularly when it came to Willow. She knew it was illogical but from the first time she met Willow, she had always felt that she was the inferior party. It wasn't Willow's problem, the class difference that was such a constant presence in her mind was not something within Willow's frame of comprehension.

She made her way from concession to concession but nothing screamed "buy me! buy me!" at her. Shopping would have to wait another day. She flagged down a taxi and made her way home. She wolfed down a dinner of something microwaved and channel surfed with a tub of rocky road ice cream for company. But she was still restless. All afternoon and evening she kept watching the clock and placing Willow -- at 3pm her car would be coming to the hotel to pick her up, her flight was due to take off at 5pm and she landed at just after 8pm. Willow promised to call the minute she got home, which meant sometime between nine and ten.

A little late but when the phone dutifully rang a little after ten Tara was ready and picked it up first ring.

"Hi sweetie, missed me?"

*****

Willow tapped her foot impatiently with her cellphone glued to one ear, frowning at the unreachable signal. She was on the escalator behind a family with a twin buggy that blocked the entire width of the stair. Once at the bottom she strode purposefully through the throngs of people around the baggage carousels, thankful once again that she only had her cabin bag. An intern had been tasked with taking the roadshow materials back to the office and sitting in the first row meant she was off the plane before coach class had finished hauling their roller cases out of the overhead compartments.

She was still late. The last meeting over-ran and she missed her flight home. It wasn't a problem to get the next flight but since it was three hours later, it was past midnight when she emerged from the terminal. It seemed like every parent and their 2.4 children had decided to descend upon La Guardia even at that hour and the taxi line was excruciatingly slow. Her patience was wearing very thin when she finally sank into the stiff and worn seat of a yellow cab. She was kicking herself for not arranging a limo.

"So where did you fly in from?" Oh great, she would get the most inquisitive driver in all of New York.

She sighed and contemplated pretending to be deaf, or not speak English, but he would know she was pretending. Taxi drivers always wanted to know why someone was in their city like it was some territorial instinct thing, or perhaps they were so lonely for company that they launched into all their passengers.

"Miami," she said, and looked out of the window, hoping he would take the hint.

She should have known, he didn't get it. "What a city, Miami. My brother has a garden hose business there. Were you on business or pleasure?"

"Business," she answered shortly and picked up her cellphone to dial Tara again. It was late, but she had promised to call, and she had a feeling that Tara would want her to call at whatever hour. The line was engaged, which made her first annoyed, then jealous before settling on worried. There was still so much she didn’t know about Tara's life. Someone she had known since she was fourteen but she couldn't tell which was Tara's favorite drink, which brand of face cream she used, or what was her view on stem cell research. They had grown so far apart.

But they were slowly bridging that chasm. Willow led a hectic and stressful life by her own choosing; lately, thinking about Tara gave her a buzz that was more satisfying than seeing her name at the top of the producers board, or winning a new mandate. It was a good feeling, thinking about Tara. They were taking things slow, but Willow didn't feel hurried. Compared with how things had been, recently they had been moving at supersonic speed.

They had some way to go before they could confidently move forward together in their relationship. She knew she hadn't completely forgotten the past, nor (if she was honest to herself) forgiven Tara for the years apart. Every time they said good-bye, she had a moment of panic that it would be the last. Every time she pressed the doorbell of Tara's apartment she was brought back to the day six years ago when she found out that Tara had left. The chilling feeling of disbelief and of devastation in the weeks that followed was a period of her life she never wanted to repeat.

Her apartment was as empty as she left it. Colder, even though the building heating was on full blast. She flipped on the living room light, then looked around and flicked on all the table lamps as well as the dining room light. She turned on her home laptop and allowed herself a small sigh of relief when the music came on through the surround speakers.

Almost 2am. She checked her blackberry and typed out a weekend message to Simon, then threw the device on her couch where it bounced several times before settling face down on one of the cushions. She picked up her cellphone and punched in Tara's number, but stopped short of the last digit. It was probably too late. The cellphone joined the blackberry on the couch.

She needed a bath.

She was half undressed when the doorbell rang. And again. Then more insistently when she didn't answer.

When it became obvious that whoever was so rudely disturbing her already piss-poor of a day wasn't going to leave, she trudged to her door and opened it with a diatribe ready to shoot at the unwelcome visitor.

"Look ahh—" She got as far as the first word before snapping her jaw shut so tightly that her teeth ached.

"You need to be holding me. Right now."

She pulled Tara inside and caught the blonde as her legs started to give way. "My flight got delayed, I've been trying to call you," she started to explain.

Tara shook her head just as tears erupted from her already swollen eyes. "That's not it. It's bad. Something bad happened," she sobbed.

*****
[br]

[JujuDeRoussie]

DIBS

Oh... Oh...yep... my smile just faded at the last line!!
it was there the whole time, and then... pooof!

I see you're Evil too!!! lol

Very good though... I agree with the taking things slow... they ave so much to do... they have been so far appart... but I have the feeling that the bad thing that happened to Tara (I'm angry at you to make her suffer lol) is going to make them closer...

I'll see in your next update

Thank you!


Julia

[Thianne]

*narrows eyes at watty*

[Chummy]

That was amazing update but you are mean you are going to leave us like this until next week you are bad.can't wait to see what is going to happen with our lovely couple.

[tazraven]

*Joins Thianne in glaring at Watty*

I don't know what happened, and I'm not sure I want to know. Just when things were looking up for our girls. What was I thinking? I was so happy, they were getting it right. Slow, but good. *Slaps myself in the head* Stupid Sara. Great chapter Watty, but what a cliffy. Definitely looking forward to the next update.

~Sara

[Emms]

Excellent, watty! I fall more and more in love with this story with every update.

It's nice to see that they're actually moving closer together and letting their feelings for each other show...Tara's come a long way, I think, in being able to acknowledge her feelings for Willow; and even though she still gets that feeling of being inferior sometimes at least she knows that it's just in her mind. very promising....

but now... what happened with Tara? I'm worried for her, all showing up at Willow's apartment, crying.... :( not good.

can't wait to see what happens, sweetie.

xoxo
Emms

[db]

*hugs watty*

Yay!

I care not that you left us with a cliff-hanger. I care that you are letting these poor downtrodden souls reconnect!! I can see that it is incredibly frightening for Tara. And, ok she is admitting that the class thing is her issue (and it is), but she is clearly nervous about calling it a relationship, buying a holiday present, being intimate (I mean that in more than the nekkid way, missy). I think it is good that they are progressing slowly... both she and Willow have some very real, very deep seated fears that they will need to assuage. They need to *trust* each other again.

So. Tara has been waiting for Willow to call, has been feeling mopey and lonely. You haven't said outright, but I am thinking that this must be a very foreign and uncomfortable situation for Tara to be in -- it must be really scary.

I think that it wasn't Willow who said "hi sweetie" and my magic 8-Ball of speculation is saying "points to badness".

Behold evidence:

a) The phone was busy... when she was expecting Willow's call (and after waiting for it like a "mopey teenager")
b) She showed up at Willow's house at 2am (totally seeking out Willow, which *so* must be out of her comfort zone) and
c) Demanding to be held?! Tara demands comfort, from Willow. Eeep!

Something terrible has happened, and I am nervous about it. For Tara to act so out of control, I really worry. I just can't figure out what it could be. I just hope whatever it is isn't something that puts Tara in danger.

Whatever it is, Tara is seeking comfort from Willow (yay?). I mean YAY! (I think). I want to say yay -- it's a huge step; a *major* step (in fact, I think it is going to prove to be a milestone for them), but I also worry about it raising some major issues for Tara. She's scared to begin with, something bad happened and now she's at Willow's house at 2am which kind of means sleeping over (gulp)... and here my wild speculation button jumps into overdrive. It thinks that a person ouside her comfort zone who is super distressed might not think clearly. It things she might, um, seek *other* kinds of comfort in Willow's arms. It is afraid that this, in turn, might trigger the whole "must run away" reaction Tara is prone too. Man. I hope not. While I trust Willow to be a "gentleman" in general, if Tara freaks out by getting hot and heavy I am not sure Willow will have the strength or presance of mind to be "mature" about it in her own bed... so I am nervous, yet again.

How do you do that *every* single chapter?!

But you ended it with Tara in Willow's arms, holding her while she cries -- so I hug you anyway!

db

[tarawhipped]

Wow, watty. Every chapter you manage to advance their relationship, even if it is in baby steps and even when they aren't in it at the same time. I loved Tara's thoughts while shopping. Indeed, why would any sane person go to a major shopping district 10 days before Xmas if they weren't intending on getting something? She's smitten. Obviously, she's thinking a lot about Willow, but she does need to start letting Willow know, since Willow's side makes it clear how insecure she still feels. The thought of her all nervous every time she rings Tara's doorbell...that's so sad!

But then you end it with a clearly upset Tara going to the one person who can make it all better (*fingers crossed*). Hopefully Willow will see how important that is, and together they will make everything right with the world and finally get some naked snuggle time. Right?

-Cam

[JustSkipIt]

Watty - first thing is that I was totally expecting a sex scene. So I'm a little disapointed about that. But I'll forgive you on it.

The depiction of their "dating" or getting to know each other and kind of move forward slowly is so cute. It's a little like how do you get to know someone who you think fucks other people for money? How do you move slowly with someone you've seen all but naked? Or how do you get someone who wants to feel you close around her fingers to move slowly? Yet, they are surely doing it and it's quite adorable and intriguing.

I could tell the second that TAra answered the phone that something was wrong and then she shows up at Willow's. My guess is someone died because what else? You know? But it's hard. The good thing is that Willow is who she wants when something terrible happens.

You've left us (me) curious. Well done.

(I have been out of town all weekend and super busy. So I just got your e-mail. I'll respond tomorrow).

Deb

[Justified12]

Hey there everyone

I know some of this is backtracking and for that I am sorry... but after putting it off for a few weeks, last night I read the entirety so far of Lamplight. I was completely engrossed in it until about 4:30 in the morning (yes i have no life lol). So hence, some of the stuff that i'm about to say might have already been said... sorry

When Willow and Tara first kisssed, it was actually Tara that made the move. I can't believe that Willow never brought that fact to her attention. Although Willow was the one who came to realize and partially admit her true feelings for Tara after the kiss, she was not technically the one who made the first move... therefore, shouldn't she be right in assuming that Tara had feelings for her in the first place?

And just after, I don't understand Tara's reasoning for being so cold and harsh with Willow. If she knew somewhere inside of her that they liked each other, why would she so painfully pretend that she was unaffected. She wasn't helping Willow by acting the way she did nor was she doing what she herself truly wanted. I thought her behaviour to be a little bit strange in all of that and I couldn't see, even through all her reasoning, what caused her complete emotional overhaul. Why was she mad with Willow? She hadn't really done anything wrong.

When Willow and Tara met again, I expected that after 6 years Tara might have come to realize some of her mistakes... but instead she remained the same cold, emotionally barried person she had been before she left. It's sad to think that for all that time she was shutting herself off to everyone and becoming a person that had very little feeling towards what was happening around her. Willow, on the other hand, took their breif encounter and held onto it for so long, never able to let go of something she knew could have been so wonderful. What a cruel twist of fate that she began to realize how she felt about Tara just as the girl was exiting her life.

Now that they're progressing forward, I still feel that their relationship is not as open as it should be... I'm just dying for Tara to break down in Willow's arms, saying sorry for leaving and telling her she's always loved her... I guess in time, that will happen... then again, maybe not... lol Watty, your writing is full of so many excellent twists and turns, I'm always left expecting the unexpected. I love it... But I wouldn't mind Willow and Tara getting a happy ending... please?

Justified xo

[Alcy]

Hi there watty
I loved the opening chapter, who among us haven’t stressed and lost sleep over present buying for loved ones (I usually get really depressed if I go home empty handed so I would’ve had to have got at least a little something)…and Tara’s little spiel to herself smacks of denial!

Superhuman effort indeed…it’s almost a miracle they managed to pull away from one another after I was so worried about them doing the deed on the sidewalk.
Then I was trolling through the sweetness and the twin anxieties that both Willow and Tara felt while they were separated…and I almost got completely lost in that little realistic picture, right up until the last line. Go the cliffhanger! Umm, not that I should be excited that something bad has happened but still, makes for much excitement and anticipation for the next chapter.
Cheers!
Alcy

[Willowtree252]

Watty I also loved the opening of this and the way the two of them can only think of each other making them giddy but the end made me assume crash positions.....

[watty]

Julia -- uh oh, sorry for making your smile fade. The reason will be revealed soon, as for whether it's something happened to Tara, we'll see. I totally agree that they need to take things slow. Thanks!

Vale -- *grins cheekily at Vale* Angst, sweetie, angst. But it'll eventually be all right.

Chummy -- thanks!! We'll see what happened, and how it affects them soon.

Sara -- *grins cheekily at Sara* I didn't want them to rush into anything, and oftentimes life with a capital L will interrupt. Let's see how they deal with it.

Emms -- thanks for the lovely love, Emmy. You're right, Tara has been the reticent one in their relationship, and coming all this way has taken her a long time. As for what happened, let's see next. The important thing in the next couple of chapters (and beyond) is how they deal with the situation, does Tara push Willow away again? Can they grow together? Thanks again.

db -- yes Tara is the one who needs to shake off the reluctance, and the class difference is still there in the background. I hope it was realistic, showing how she was nervous (and yet happy) to be in a relationship. And you made a list! Woot! Let's see:

a) The phone was busy... when she was expecting Willow's call (and after waiting for it like a "mopey teenager")
b) She showed up at Willow's house at 2am (totally seeking out Willow, which *so* must be out of her comfort zone) and
c) Demanding to be held?! Tara demands comfort, from Willow. Eeep!

a) Believe it or not, I was (probably unsuccessfully) trying to show that they were calling each other at the same time. Otherwise the phones would have gone to voicemail or at least showed missed call. Hee, I'm not a cellphone geek.
b) Yes, excellent point.
c) Even more evidence.

Thanks for picking up that Tara went to Willow for comfort when before she may not have anyone to go to. Which is good. @ your imagination overdrive, now I'm nervous that the actual bad thing that happened may not be as bad as it seemed. We'll find out soon.

Cam -- baby steps is right. Definitely Tara is having feelings unfamiliar to her -- braving the Christmas shopping crowds is a sign of true love in my book. They have done some talking, but not yet. Let's see how they deal with the bad stuff that happens next, and you know I'm not gonna let them off in the angst department yet, right? Most importantly, they will need to deal with it together to have a chance to move on in their relationship.

finally get some naked snuggle time

welllll, eventually.

Debra -- oooops, sorry that it wasn't a sex scene but the time wasn't right. Definitely I could have them jump into bed and wake up feeling that it was a mistake and taken the angst from there. There's plenty angst to come soon, and I want to see them handle the angst together and grow.

My guess is someone died

I love it when you always have your storyteller's plotting hat on. I think if you were writing this story, someone dying will be high on your list of possibilities? May be? We'll find out soon. Thanks as always!

Justified12 -- hi and welcome! I'm happy that you read from the beginning, it's great to step back now and think a little about what happened all those years ago. Re: who kissed who first, may be Tara initiated it, may be Willow but it's not something that is worth nitpicking over I think.

If she knew somewhere inside of her that they liked each other, why would she so painfully pretend that she was unaffected.

Tara clearly felt the attraction, but she saw something in herself that she couldn't handle, and that has continued even to this day. It's a combination of many things -- inferiority, insecurity, other priorities and when she was a teenager in her situation it was easier to ignore the whole coming out issue.

I don't see Tara as having made mistakes. Her home situation, what she wanted in her life ... she's excluded Willow from it because she believes she isn't good enough for Willow. Willow on the other hand, has somehow managed to hold onto something impossible, and Tara will need to realize that. They have talked a little, and perhaps Tara will say she's sorry for leaving ... or she will show Willow by her actions. We'll have to see, eh?

I wouldn't mind Willow and Tara getting a happy ending... please?

Oh, that I can guarantee. This is Pens after all.

Alcy -- yeah shopping is such a pain! Especially shopping for loved ones. Then again, for Tara to brave the crowd is a sign of true love isn't it!? No matter how she tries to deny it. I really did not want them to end up in bed that night, it was too soon. I wanted to give them time to reconnect a little and they have done that, even though I haven't shown it. (I skip a lot of in-between stuff, that's why my chapters are 2,000 words and yours are 6,000. @ being excited that something bad happened ... at least we know they're both alright, and how they deal with it will be interesting. Thanks!

I loved the opening chapter, who among us haven’t stressed and lost sleep over present buying for loved ones (I usually get really depressed if I go home empty handed so I would’ve had to have got at least a little something)…and Tara’s little spiel to herself smacks of denial!

Dianneswillowtree -- assume crash positions, yep! Don't forget to chant too. Thanks!
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[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.



Part 17

Four hours earlier.

"Hi sweetie, missed me?"

"You never called me sweetie when we were together."

"What? Look, Faith. I'm expecting another call."

"Of course you were," Faith sniggered.

Tara took a deep breath and counted to five. "I'm sure this isn't a social call."

"Yeah. You need to come back to HQ."

"Now?"

"Yes, now. Something's up but the Mayor isn't saying. He wants us back and he's got me doing phone duty."

"I'm heartbroken, so beneath you."

"You can come back and take over. This sucks, I'm not Miss Moneyfuckingpenny."

"I'll be there as soon as I can."

"The Boss wants everyone here 5 minutes ago."

Tara called Willow's cellphone but couldn't get through, not even to voicemail. Something must be wrong with the network.

There was no time to think about Willow. She dressed quickly, threw money, keys and cellphone into a small backpack, grabbed a bottle of water and was out of the door three minutes after hanging up with Faith.

Traffic was thin and she found herself walking through the club doors in record time. There was a sign outside that informed patrons that the club was closed tonight because of over-running of scheduled maintenance work, which was one of their standard reasons for closing unexpectedly.

It was disconcerting to see the interior of the club like this. The usual subtle mood lighting that gave it its trademark dark and sultry atmosphere had been replaced by bright house lights that made the furniture and decorations stark, pasty and anything but lavish. Without the appropriate lighting, the gold sparkles on the wallpaper looked cheap, not chic.

An uneasy nervous energy permeated the room. People gathered in small clusters, whispering intently to each other. At one corner table, a girl with long straight hair was being comforted by a couple of older women, her eyes puffy with crying. April, Tara thought hard before remembering the girl's name. Katrina's room-mate in the boarding house that some of the women stayed at. She wondered what the matter was, to prompt Mr Wilkins to close the club on a Friday night and commanded the presence of the entire company. It had never happened before and couldn't be anything good.

She wasn't going to get answers in the main room so she made her way to the back, to find Faith.

"What took you so long? One minute longer and I'll start throwing chairs." Faith shoved a headset into Tara's hands and was walking away before Tara could get a word in.

"Wait, wait. What am I supposed to do with this?" Tara shouted after Faith.

"Call people."

"Where are you going?"

"Smoke."

"Who else are we missing?"

"Jesus, Blondie, do I need to draw you a diagram? Figure it out." With that, Faith stomped out.

*****

Three hours earlier.

The Mayor eventually made an appearance. By that time the rumor mill had run amok. The club was changing hands; the Japanese were buying it and they were turning it into a cosplay bar; they were going to let some people go; there was asbestos in the basement; they were being isolated because of bird flu; Mr Wilkins was getting married; he was being investigated by the IRS; he was running for the senate and had to disassociate himself to avoid repercussions ... some of the speculation was downright preposterous but in the absence of news, people's imagination went wild.

Wilkins sent for his immediate staff first. Half a dozen 'inner circle' people including Tara and Faith arranged themselves on chairs, desks or against bookshelves in a small, cold office. There were faint murmurs as Mr Wilkins, impeccable in gray pin-striped suit and powder-blue tie, walked in with Lilah Morgan and two individuals who were so mismatched it would be funny if not for the gravity of the situation. An African-American man with an open face who looked like he could break into a toothy grin any minute towered over a blonde woman with cynical eyes and sour expression. Their ill-fitting suits and posture screamed law enforcement.

"There's no easy way to say this so I'll get straight to the point," Wilkins started as soon as he had the attention of the group. "Earlier today, Katrina Silber, one of our most popular performers, was found unconscious by her room-mate. She later died in hospital from," glancing at the unlikely duo, "if I may jump the gun a little, a drugs overdose."

He waited till the inevitable gasps and commotion subsided before continuing. "Two of NYPD's finest are here. I want the message passed down the line that I expect full cooperation." He shook his head sadly. "It's a tragic, tragic turn of events and if there is foul play, I want us to help to bring the criminals to justice. The detectives will say a few words then we are going outside to make a general announcement."

He stepped aside to let the two detectives address the group.

It was the blonde who took the lead. "I'm Detective Kate Lockley and this is my partner Detective Charles Gunn from Vice. Our initial focus is to establish whether, as Mr Wilkins mentioned, this was a suicide, accident or something else. This isn't for the media and I'd appreciate if you talked to either of us before you talk to any reporters: we found a note. The crime lab has it now, and M.E. will perform the autopsy probably sometime tomorrow. If we find," she glanced at Wilkins meaningfully, "that drugs were involved then we'll need to find who and where she got them from."

"We will need to interview everyone who has contact with Katrina in the last 48 hours," Detective Gunn continued. "Obviously it's late so we're hoping that we can get a list of all the people present and come back tomorrow."

"Will it be better to use an office here? Like this one?" Ms Morgan asked.

"That will be great, thank you," Detective Gunn flashed a smile at the normally inscrutable lawyer, who blushed and looked away immediately.

"Are you looking to arrest anyone? Don't you want to establish cause of death before you start interviewing and scaring the girls here?" Alan Finch asked.

Detective Lockley looked at him like he was stupid. "Of course the results of the autopsy is important, but we also want to get a headstart on the investigation," she nevertheless explained politely.

"This is gonna be bad for publicity," someone commented.

"We'll try to be discreet; if the press starts hassling anyone let us know."

Other people started to ask more questions but Wilkins put his hand out and silenced them. "Questions later. We need to go outside now, folks are getting restless."

*****

Two hours earlier.

The pressure cooker of tension burst when Wilkins made the announcement, the reaction went from silenced shock to heartwrenching wails of grief; several girls had to be led away to makeshift cots.

Tara found herself responsible for headcount and making sure the detectives had details of people they needed to interview. She found herself repeating the same speech over and over. No, they weren't in trouble. The detectives needed to eliminate foul play, it didn't mean there was foul play. No, they didn't have a lot of details; more would come in the morning. No, they hadn't decided if the club would still open tomorrow.

She was growing disconcerted because she was being pressed for answers and opinions that she didn't have. She tried calling Faith several times, to ask her to help with the name list, but the normally tough cookie had mumbled something and gone AWOL.

She had almost finished taking details but there were names unaccounted for. She grabbed the nearest girl who wasn't hysterical or acting like a zombie. "What's your name?"

"Joan Lily Anne. My stage name is Chanterelle," the girl recited.

Tara blew out a breath. "What does your mother call you?"

"Lily."

"Okay, Lily. You're now officially working for me. Follow me."

She found a quiet corner and took out a list of names with telephone numbers, putting a check mark next to those who were missing. She paused when she reached Katrina's name and her grip on her pencil tightened.

"What's happening?" Lily asked.

Tara ripped the piece of paper and handed one half to Lily. "Work your way down this list. Tell them briefly what happened and that they are to report back here first thing tomorrow morning. Got that?"

"Isn't it a bit late to be calling people at home?"

"Can't be helped."

*****

One hour earlier.

Detective Lockley came over. "How's it going, um, Tara is it?"

"Yes, Tara; and this is Lily. We're calling anyone who couldn't make it here tonight, to tell them to come in tomorrow morning."

"I appreciate this."

She looked tired, Tara thought. Everyone was understandably exhausted but there was a bone-deep weariness about Detective Lockley that wasn't merely connected to this case.

"Can I get you a cup of coffee?" Tara offered.

Kate Lockley snorted. "Any more caffeine and I'll be crawling up these walls. I'll live."

"Are you making progress?" Tara ventured.

"Too early to tell. But there is something I want to talk to someone about, and I don't know if you're the right person."

"If I'm not, I can tell you who is."

"Someone needs to make a positive identification. We haven't been able to locate family members — I suspect she's a runaway. I guess what I was asking is if you can come down tomorrow, to the morgue."

Tara was stunned and scared. "M-m-me?"

"I didn't want to ask the room-mate, she could barely hold it together as it is. Your boss is the logical choice, or one of your associates."

"No," Tara squared her shoulders. "I'll do it."

Detective Lockley shook her hand in thanks and gave her the address of where she needed to go the next day.

Tara told Lily to call it a night. After the girl waved goodbye, she sat very still, staring into thin air, trying not to think too much. Finally she took a deep breath and swallowed hard. It was going to be a tough, long day. She knew she wasn't able to face the night alone.

She needed someone to comfort her, someone she could trust. Someone who loved her.

*****
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[morningstar]

DIBS!

Tara has to ID the body? harsh really harsh..

not to mention that she was talking to Katrina before about the addiction.

i think this will throw an interesting challenge in Willow and Tara's relationship. It was a short updated but really appreciated.

[Willowtree252]

I would reply but I am under a table in crash ready mode so I will get back to you later (chant , chant , chant , chant)

[db]

Tara and Faith were *together*?!



Ok, so maybe that wasn't the jist of what you wanted me to walk away with from the story...

And maybe levity is not where I should start? Hmm. Oops?

Katrina died. Hmmm. I think my magic ball o' speculation predicted bad things. I wonder if there was foul play? I mean, she was thinking about basically two timing the Mayor. Did Wilkins know about that? I hope Tara didn't tell him -- 'cause what if she did and then... badness, and then Tara would feel terrible. But it could have been Gay Ol' Spike -- he was the one providing drugs. Hmmmm.

New Topic:

I *so* didn't get that Willow and Tara were calling each other at the same time -- in fact, the last chapter I didn't realize that it was Tara that said "Hi Sweetie, missed me?"

....aaaaand back to our previously scheduled babble:

Poor Tara having to go to the morgue to identify the body and be ms. 'in charge' girl. What was *Faith* doing all that time? Having a *smoke*?! Why was Tara left peicing things together. Did Faith have anything to do with the baddness? It would kind of be in character with her canon self... hmmmm.

OMG, what a rough sad night for Tara -- and she has to id the body... no wonder she was so sad. I think it speaks *volumes* that, after being all 'together girl' she goes to someone who loves her (Willow) and who she trusts enough to let down her guard with. She cried in Willow's arms . That's *huge*... and I still think that it is going to push Tara's buttons a little bit to have let her guard down so. Magic 8 Ball says so.

and Tara and Faith were INVOLVED?!?!! When!? How!? Sordid Details?!??? (please?)

db

[JustSkipIt]

I'm agreement that I'd be totally up for sorid details (as I think I've made clear in the past). Nonetheless. A good explanatory update. Faith's mood is strange. She seems to vacilate between friendly and a complete bitch. I can't really read her so much. So Katrina od'd. Is that the girl who was talking to TAra about moving to the other club for the better drugs? Might not be a good sign. Gotta say: I called someone dying as the reason for Tara's late night visit and need for Willow. How comforting that she knew she could rely on Willow.

Ok. Gotta go make dinner. Sorry it's short.

[watty]

morningstar -- one of the purposes of this chapter was to show Tara's responsible, mature side. But even though she puts on a brave face at the club, she's still vulnerable and it will test their relationship. Thanks!


Dianneswillowtree -- things are crashing around them, but have faith ... it'll be a test for them. Keep up the chanting, and let me throw in a nice calming incense stick.


db -- sordid details and

Tara and Faith were *together*?!

welllllllll, we only heard Faith's comment, and we know how reliable she is. May be there was something, may be there wasn't. Now I'm really playing with you.

There are several turning points in this story and Katrina's death is one of them. It's sad that it takes someone's death to bring people potentially closer together, but we need these "big" events don't we. You're absolutely right, that Tara was so composed and efficient at the club but she's human too, needing comfort. It does speak volumes that she goes to Willow ... not someone from the club who will understand the situation, no one else but Willow. Her emotions know she needs Willow and for once she listened to her emotions.

I still think that it is going to push Tara's buttons a little bit to have let her guard down so.

hmm, not saying. Yet.


Debra -- I'm not so sure there are sordid details, or any details. We've only heard Faith make the claim that there was something between them, so it may or may not have actually happened. Yeah, this chapter was pretty much exposition, the repercussions of Katrina's death will be important though. Good catch on Faith's strange mood. I'm not sure I will explain it fully in the next few chapters but keep it in mind. Thanks!
[br]

[watty]

Title: Lamplight
Author: watty (hiddenwatson[at]gmail[dot]com)
Distribution: Chris and Susan have pre-approval. Anyone else please ask for my permission first.
Rating: R to NC-17
Disclaimer: BtVS characters, concepts and dialogue belong to Mutant Enemy, Fox, The WB, UPN and others.
Summary: Contemporary AU. Where demons wear human faces. Two lives drifted apart, can they find their missing half?
Notes: This will be long and angsty. It also changes direction more than once. I had planned for it to go in a certain direction, I didn't know it would go that far. Sometimes, stories have a mind of their own.



Part 18

"Look at you, you're shaking."

"I'm okay. You're here, I'll be fine."

Willow wrapped her arms around the fragile form who unexpectedly arrived at her doorstep looking ragged and emotionally spent. She led them to her couch and pulled a fleece blanket tight around both of them. No words were needed. Tara snaked her arms around her waist as she stroked Tara's hair gently until the blonde had stopped trembling. It didn't matter what it was that freaked Tara out, it was more important that Tara felt safe.

And loved.

There wasn't time to dissect or analyze feelings, but it was clear that Tara needed more than the understanding and support of a friend. She needed the security and the healing power of love, and tonight, Willow was ready to give it to her.

The warmth of each other's bodies and Willow's soothing stroking motion soon lulled them both to sleep. Tara burrowed deeper inside Willow's grasp and Willow instinctively stretched out so they spooned against the length of the couch.

A painful numbness in her shoulder woke Willow. She didn't need to turn her head to know that Tara had trapped her arm against the couch at an awkward angle. The blonde looked so relaxed in her sleep that Willow didn't want to disturb her, but the stiffness was getting worse. Moving very slowly she tried to shift her arm to a less painful position, but Tara's grip was firm. She tried to roll her shoulder but that resulted in a burning jolt and she reacted with a sharp intake of breath. She held her breath, afraid that Tara would wake up.

The slumbering body she was holding moved a little, and that was enough to release her trapped arm. Her eyes grew heavy again listening to Tara's deep, rhythmic breathing and she was asleep soon after.

The next time Willow woke, Tara was quietly sobbing in her arms. Willow was torn between not wanting to disturb her and telling her that things would be okay.

"I'm sorry, I woke you," Tara stuttered.

"It's alright, baby." Willow kissed the top of Tara's head. Tara took hold of her free hand and clutched it against her heart.

Willow scooted even closer and rested her chin on Tara's back. Tara was wearing a thick sweater and the wool was prickly under her sensitive skin. Willow decided to focus on feeling the ups and downs of Tara's irregular breath against her.

One minute passed, then another. All the while she was thinking and yet trying not to think.

"One of the girls was found dead today," Tara's low rasp was thick with sadness.

"Shit, I'm sorry. Were you close?" Willow mentally kicked herself for blurting out the obvious, but what else could she have said?

"Not more than others. She came to me for advice a few weeks ago, I keep wondering if I should have been more helpful."

"No, don't think that. You can't blame yourself." Willow leaned down to kiss Tara's neck. It was meant to be for reassurance, but there was no mistaken Tara's involuntary shiver, of sensitive skin reacting to being touched intimately.

"There was a note, they think she OD'ed. Oh god, how come no one saw the signs?"

"Shhh, it's not your fault."

Tara was crying again. Willow felt helpless; aside from holding her and whispering clichéd comforting words, she was at a loss at what to do.

"There are so many like her. No family, no money, no future. Brought up to think she's worthless and no matter how far she runs away, it never leaves her. What happened to Katrina, could so easily have been me," Tara had curled up in a fetal position and it was all Willow could do to hold her close.

"No, you're stronger than that. And you're not worthless. You mean a lot, to many people," Willow paused and a small whimper escaped. "To me."

"What do you see in me? You have the whole world at your beck and call. Why me?"

For all her lack of articulation tonight, this was a question Willow didn't hesitate to answer. "It's always been you, Tara. You know that, don't you?"

Tara turned so they were face to face, finally. Her eyes were swollen and her brows furrowed in a deep frown. Her lips trembled from an onslaught of emotions that threatened to push her into hysterics at one more provocation. But Willow had never seen her more beautiful. "I was afraid it wasn't."

"Wasn't it obvious?"

"Yes, oh yes. But I was too caught up in myself. I knew what I felt, I wasn't sure I knew how to. Feel. Or at least I ... didn't." Tara's voice trailed off as she tried to convey thoughts that were floating just out of her reach.

But Willow knew. "And now? Do you know now?" she whispered.

Their eyes locked. Sadness gave way to tenderness and followed by a tiny nod of assent that spoke volumes. Willow slowly reached out to stroke Tara's cheek, gently with the back of her fingers, and was rewarded when Tara turned into her touch and smiled for the first time that night. She took Willow's fingers and pressed them against her lips, closing her eyes as if to savor them.

She snuggled even closer and wordlessly invited Willow to plant small kisses over her face, neck and lips. Willow took her time and care, enjoying the feel of the soft flesh as she ran her lips over every inch of exposed skin. She could hear Tara's breath hitching whenever she found a sensitive spot; and she could feel Tara's vulnerabilities melt away when she reached her lips and their tongues met in a slow sensuous embrace.

Tara's hand had slipped underneath Willow's t-shirt and was burning its way up her back, stoking a desire so tantalizing that she could feel it spreading inside her. Tara's other hand was doing the same to the underside of her breasts.

Willow's kissing journey had reached the hollow of Tara's throat and her clumsy fingers were trying to push the buttons of Tara's sweater through frustratingly tiny buttonholes. "Stupid clothes," she growled.

Tara giggled, and extracted her hands to help. Soon four hands were fighting awkwardly to loosen buttons, pushing layers of clothing off willing bodies and flinging the garments to all corners of the living room. The first contact of bare skin on bare skin was everything, and more, that they had imagined.

Soft. Soft. So soft.

Willow lay down fully on Tara, her mouth sucking on one firm and pebbled nipple after another. Everything about Tara was soft. Willow felt the soft skin of Tara's body on hers, the soft calls from deep within Tara, and the soft rhythm they built as she moved her hands lower. Soft skin gave way to even softer, smoother, warmer folds and her fingers finally tasted Tara's sweetness.

This was their first time, yet it seemed so practiced, so effortlessly intimate. Tara dug into Willow's back and screamed out as Willow surrounded herself with Tara's softness. Screams of abandon, of joy, of surrender.

Willow saw Tara glow from within, and smiled.

*****

Willow's fingers traced a damp trail over Tara's stomach as the blonde lay asleep, spent with their passion. Tara wanted to return the favor, to treat Willow to the same pleasure she had experienced; but Willow knew she was near exhaustion and kissed Tara till she was powerless to protest, then rocked her till she fell asleep.

She needed to remember this moment. Her fingertips stored up the feeling of Tara's softness and wetness and tightness. The sense memory that had been dormant ever since that first kiss was finally awaken and it stirred all sorts of tingling and pleasant emotions in Willow, even without release. She wanted to remember Tara, to etch every detail of Tara into her mind, her blood, and her soul.

*****

She woke to the sound of someone stubbing their toes on a hard surface. Opening one eye she was greeted by the sight of Tara, tears streaming down her face and trying hard not to cry out in pain.

"I do that all the time," she said, momentarily taken aback at Tara's sharp look at the sound of her voice. Like she would rather I were still asleep. "The island doesn't like my toes. You're all dressed."

"Yeah. I need to go, tons to take care of today," Tara said vaguely, going back to pouring cream into a cup of instant coffee.

Willow sat up fully on the couch, trying to decipher Tara's dismissive posture. Gone was the confident, sexy performer she met at the club; gone too was the empathetic friend mourning a tragic death; and the fragile beauty she brought to ecstasy last night. This Tara was distracted and aloof, eyes darting between the clock and the door, as if ready to bolt.

She fumbled for her shirt, eventually finding it draped over a leather armchair and quickly slipped it on. "Do we need to talk?"

It was unsettling that Tara wasn't even interested in her nakedness as she hurriedly sipped her coffee, making a face as it scalded her. "What do you want to talk about?"

"Us. What happened last night. I need to know--" Willow started.

"Nothing happened," Tara said flatly.

"Nothing happened? What the frilly heck?" Willow snapped. Incredible. She wanted to go to Tara, to throttle her or to kiss her so she was reminded of what exactly did not happen, but wisely opted to lean on the side of the armchair. She was, she idly noted, right between the kitchen and the front door, effectively blocking any escape path.

Tara shrugged. "Okay, nothing important; do we need to talk about it now?"

"Right. I see. Nothing important," Willow echoed. "Why do I feel like we've had this conversation before?"

"I used you," Tara said quietly.

"I don't remember you forcing yourself on me. In fact, I thought it was very enjoyable and I had the impression you liked it too," Willow retorted. "There was no mutual usage, not as far as I'm concerned."

Tara placed the now empty coffee cup on the counter but kept her head down, avoiding Willow's direct gaze. "I don't know if I can give you what you want, what you deserve."

"We're not sixteen anymore. Give me some credit, I think I can make decisions for myself."

"I'm so afraid I'm going to hurt you again," Tara said, her voice hardly audible.

Definitely déjà vu.

"You should start trusting yourself for a change. And letting me in. Don't you get it by now, that I'm sticking around no matter how much you push me away? What are you afraid of, Tara?"

Tara's brittle façade cracked, and she slumped into one of the high stools next to the island. This was the prompt Willow needed. She jumped from her perch on the arm chair, and in a few steps pulled Tara into a possessive embrace. Tara's whole body sagged, but she held her firm.

"I'm sorry," Tara sobbed. "I woke up and panicked. Everything ... it's too much."

"I know. I don't know about you, but I want to make this work."

"Will it?"

"Work? You have to want it, Tara."

Tara closed her eyes tight, and tried to imagine a world without Willow. And all she saw was a world full of her Willow. When she opened her eyes again, the ragged desolation was already fading. "Yes," she whispered.

"I'll be here for you, no matter what. I want to."

For a moment Wiillow thought Tara would stiffen and bring up her defences again.

A long moment.

"I-- I'll try not to have too many of these moments, okay?" Tara finally relaxed and allowed Willow to hold her.

"You really are a dummy," Willow whispered into Tara's hair.

"But?"

"But my dummy."

Crisis averted temporarily. But the day had only just begun.

*****
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