I know I haven't updated in, well, forever, life is funny that way what with it's responsibilities and obligations.
Anyway, I managed to squeeze out a little time and actually finish this thing for anyone out there still interested.
The Last Part.
This morning I woke up and decided to precipitate my departure, staying in town proving too difficult. I got accepted into numerous colleges before deciding on UC Sunnydale, a college up north was my second choice. I was going there tomorrow. I had my train tickets, my bags, and was ready to go. The only thing left was to say goodbye.
I thought about not doing it, about just getting up and going, but that proved too much cowardice even for me.
Walking toward the Summer's home, a mantra filled my head. 'Don't break down,' it said, 'Don't let them see you cry.' The closer I got to the house, the louder it became until finally I was repeating the words under my breath, hoping that by saying them out-loud, they'd wield more power.
Knocking on the door seemed impossible, my arms apparently filled with lead. Finally, I managed.
Dawn answered.
'Don't break down!' The mantra screamed.
"Tara! Wow, this is so cool," she said, her voice filled with apparent joy at my arrival. She grabbed my hand, pulled me inside and into her arms. "I missed you," she whispered against my ear.
I jerked, the pain I felt now becoming physical. Sensing my discomfort, she pulled back, "What is it?" she asked, concern etched on her features.
'Don't break down,' the voice repeated. 'Tell her you're leaving; tell her that it’s impossible to stay.'
"Dawnie," I began, pulling back and taking her hand in my own. Tears were forming in my eyes. ‘Don’t break down.’ I ruthlessly pushed them back. "I..."
"Tara?" another voice asked.
I froze.
‘No!’ My mind screamed. 'Not them both. I can’t handle telling both of them together.’
My hand tightened reflexively in Dawn’s. She, sensing my increased agitation, again asked me what was wrong. I turned and looked into Dawn’s eyes, seeing confusion and trepidation there. Not knowing how to respond, how to get the words that I had to say out, I instead riveted my attention back to Willow.
She was grasping the banister of the stairway loosely, her gaze searching mine for meaning. Her eyes too held confusion and trepidation until, finding what she was seeking, the confusion and trepidation gave way to despondency and despair.
'She knew.'
Her body jerked. She moved, as if to come toward me, then her hands tightening against the banister, almost as if forcing herself to stop. Her eyes filled with and then shed tears.
We stared at each other for what seemed a lifetime. Finally, realizing I had to say something, I opened my mouth to speak.
She raised a hand, stopping my words before their conception. She steeled her features and resignation filled her eyes. After another glanze that seemed to last a lifetime, she nodded, turned, and walked away.
‘So this is what it feels when someone you love leaves you,’ I thought. ‘This is what it feels like to be devoid of hope.’
The pain that was before mildly physical, now became colossal – a giant beast pounding at my semi-conscious corpse.
Dawn, her agitation now palpable, shook my hand forcefully and demanded my attention.
"Tara, what the hell is going on?" she questioned.
‘Tell her!’ my mind screamed. ‘Tell her you’re leaving her.’
Thoughts were chaotically swirling around in my head, meshing together, each progressively louder than the other and each vying for attention. The mantra was there, reminding me that I shouldn’t cry, that I had to get through this. My fear was there, telling me that it was for the best- my heart was too fragile, and it needed to survive.
“Dawn,” I stopped, cleared my throat. “I…”
‘No.’
“Dawnie, I, I have to…”
‘NO.’
I pulled her into a hug and engulfed her body into mine, tightening my arms forcefully around her.
‘NO!’
The dam broke, the mantra had failed. How could I protect something that I no longer had? Tears now flowing freely, I kissed Dawn on the cheek, told her I loved her, and ran up the stairs.
I saw Willow on the bed, her body scrunched up defensively, her back to the door. She was crying.
“Willow,” I said.
She jerked and fearfully turned toward me. The anguish in her eyes had me taking an involuntary step forward.
“Willow, I can’t…”
“Don’t,” she replied. “God Tara don’t. Please don’t say it. Don’t make me hear the words.”
“Just go,” she whispered.
I moved closer and forced her with my eyes to listen to what I had to say. “I, I c-can’t protect something I don’t have."
Confusion clouded her features, “Tara?”
“You,” I stopped, took a deep breath and continued, “You have my heart Willow.”
She got up from the bed and moved to me, stopping inches from actually touching me. “Baby?”
I grabbed her hand and laid it gently over my chest. “Protect it for me?” I pleaded.
Her hands flexed against mine. Hope once again made its way into her eyes.
Tears flowed- hers, mine.
“With every that I have,” she said clearly. “With everything that I am.”
I went willingly into her arms.
This morning I woke up and decided to leave town. This evening I woke up in my lover’s arms and decided to live.
Edited by: Marilda at: 2/20/03 4:56:16 pm
please! 
by xita » Fri Aug 09, 2002 11:11 pm 
Those last two line... OMG. That was brilliant. Well done. 
I wonder what that says about me?
Cool, I'm glad the fic found you and I'm glad you enjoyed it. Yeah, more work, um, I know I still have "Finding Heaven" to finish and I need to get to finishing it. I'm going to try to work on it this weekend and see what I can get done. 
oh god that was so touching. It was breaking my heart but Tara decided to live, so simple but sometimes when you are faced with the actual action, you find you can't do it. Thanks for this story