Part 35 Kittens. Step 2 in Tara's angst buildup... one more before some (temporary) relief.)
Enjoy
K
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Shifts (Part 35)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive Criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Buffy v’s Dracula.” Referral to material from “Family” as usual.
Summary: Tara’s perceptions change. Step 2 in exploring Tara’s concerns.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: The whole of reality is altered with the coming of Dawn - and Tara notices. Well she notices something. What it is she has no idea, she won’t link it to Dawn and then she will forget she was ever aware of it at all. But for some reason I think it is important to include this one. Hopefully you will see why. And yeah, another Tara angsty story where she is perhaps feeling a touch sorry for herself – but why not given what she believes will happen?
Thanks To: Kerry for digging me out of a hole of my own making – it wasn't even a trench. L. Just L.
The Beginnings Cycle
Shifts
By
Katharyn Rosser
Tara was supposed to be working. This assignment wasn't, as the saying went, going to write itself –though in Sunnydale you could always hope. The world didn’t stop just because some new vampire came to town – even if it was Dracula. Well, at least not this time. The whole Scooby thing… it sucked your time away. Which wasn't a bad thing. It was important stuff, probably there often wasn't much more important stuff going on anywhere in the world. But sometimes it could make the rest of life hard to get on with. Sometimes she just had to say no and get on with her studies, or a lecture or whatever it was that made demands of her. Besides even though she wanted to help with the important scooby stuff, she wasn't sure it was wise.
It wasn't like she was an official Scooby anyway. She was just a hanger on. Which was also ok. That was just fine with her. It was far enough in to be scared out of your wits pretty regularly, but not far enough to have to actually watch Willow in danger too often. Would she be there other than for Willow? Would she, if she had found about the Scoobies in some other way, have joined them? Helped them? She didn’t think so – she wouldn’t have anything to offer. She wasn't really action gal, much as some small part of her might like to be. Could be, maybe, if…
But then neither were Willow and Anya, nor was Xander action-guy. And Mr Giles… He was British. But they… they all seemed to want to be involved. Even the previously self-obsessed ex-demon’s amongst them. They wanted to help in any way that they could. And helping was good. For everyone. And she did want to be useful. Not to prove anything – even to herself. Just to be. Before it was all too late and she became what it was that they were fighting. Maybe it was a karmic balancing act she was attempting. Get all the positives in before she became the scoobies’ very definition of a negative. A demon. But action wasn't her way. She’d tried it and the only way that she could be action gal, well the payoff wasn't worth the risks. The darkness was already stretching out its claw to her and it wanted to take her – swallow her whole. She knew that soon it would. Why hasten the process? Why risk the change before she had to? Why risk hurting anyone? She couldn’t bear that. To be the cause of pain.
That would be the worst thing. To hurt someone. But there was one person that she would be hurting anyway. The one she wanted to hurt least of all.
And could she be certain that it would wait? This thing that she was on the inside. It might not wait until the appointed day to escape confinement. It didn’t always. It had waited for her mother’s birthday but that was the only basis for the belief that it would wait for her own. In previous generations it had sometimes emerged earlier – though never later than that milestone. Tara supposed that she was lucky that it was waiting for the anniversary of her birth this time.
Was it just her birth though? Had something else been born with her or was it one eternal demon? No one knew. They just knew it had to be controlled, restricted. Prevented from doing harm.
She was glad though that she had this time to be happy. She had waited for so long in her life to be happy that she had to be glad that she had those extra precious months. She couldn’t know when the thing might come… but in the meantime she had to live. She had to be with Willow despite the dangers. That was the one chance she had to take. It was selfish, but so what? She was going to do the selfless thing when she had to. She was going to give it all up to protect… everyone from the demon she would be. But for now Willow was all that she had. Willow was all that she had and she had to keep her as long as possible – even at the cost of a little selfishness.
The Scoobies. She didn’t have them. They were nice to her but with the exception of Anya, whom she was closer to, they were not what she would regard as firm friends. More friends than all but a very few people had ever been to her, but they were really Willow’s friends. Not hers. Not yet at least. That was as far as she felt it seemed to go. They were uncertain about her and she was no less uncertain about them if she was perfectly honest with herself. She thought that she could really get to like them as her own friends in time – and maybe the reverse was true. Maybe. That was up to them. But time was what she did not have available to her. Not much anyway, not enough to have the luxury of worrying about that.
Even with Anya could she be sure that it was not just her curiosity at work that had drawn her to the woman – about what it was to be a demon? Not that she had ever asked Anya anything about that sort of thing. She had wanted to, but she had always been afraid that to show curiosity might be to reveal her own nature. Even though the other Scoobies talked to her about it all the time.
Other Scoobies? Sometimes she slipped and thought of herself that way. As belonging when she couldn’t.
Perhaps it was even that she was curious about Anya the woman – rather than Anyanka the demon. Anya who seemed to be very much in the same boat as she was. They both loved Scoobies. And neither of them really had any other friends yet. Was that all that had pulled them together? Considering how new their own friendship was they were doing okay. Tara supposed that they were a support mechanism for each other.
Who am I to judge what makes people friends anyway? Not a great track record to look back on was there?
What else was there? Who else was there? There was Willow and Anya. Not much to show for a life was it? Almost twenty years. Two people I can say I really care about. And my family of course, she added quickly in her thoughts. Back home… there was one person who had been a friend. Maybe should have been more. But that opportunity had long since gone down the river and that was a good thing too – because it had allowed her to be with her Willow.
So Willow, Anya… her family. Her family would do their best for her. For the whole rest of her life they would be there to control her and in return she would try her best to care for them, when her condition allowed her to. She would, at least, have a purpose in life and people who cared for her. But what else was there for her there, at home? Nothing. But she deserved nothing. She was a filthy demon.
No. Not yet. She wasn't that yet. She would be. That was her future but not yet the present.
What else was there but Willow and Anya then that would stop me from doing what I should?
Should? Must.
Am I actually searching for reasons not to go home and live my life as I must? The realisation that she was doing just that was a blinding flash of clarity. No. She had to go. What choice was there? It wasn't even duty. It was necessary. For everyone. For anyone here who meant anything to her it was vital that she left before she hurt anyone. Those she cared about were most at risk… because they were the closest.
But for clarity to deliver that message… that “maybe.” That “should.” There could be a maybe… Maybe. But clarity was as swiftly saying that wasn't true. Too much clarity it was hurting her head.
As the clarity ran through her mind, something else ripped in there right alongside it. Swamping it. All her senses seemed to switch to overload.
There was a green flash that, a bit like being dazzled by a lamp shining straight into her eyes after perfect darkness but the lighting had not changed at all. The explosion of pretty colours and lingering shape as it coalesced to a form faintly like a person’s head.
But there was nothing to see. It was all in her head.
There was a smell, a sweet smell, like a faint whiff of fragrant soap or shower gel.
But there was nothing to smell. It was all in her head.
There was sound… like a thousand shouting voices telling her things that she... She what? That she already knew. Each voice was indistinct but all were still there. But where did she know them from – these facts? She couldn’t remember where she had learnt the things they were quite unnecessarily telling her. Then that came to her to. It was just stuff that had happened. Nothing special. Stuff from the last year.
But there was nothing to hear other than her own thumping heartbeat. The rest was in her head.
There was a tingling in her fingertips, an ache in her thumb.
But there was nothing to touch. It was all in her head.
There was… something in her mind.
But there was… oh by the goddess it couldn’t be coming. No, not yet. Not before she had chance to see Willow. To explain. To say how sorry she was.
It couldn’t be so soon.
I’m not ready.
Willow… I love you and I’m sorry, she thought plaintively, hoping that her love would feel it.
And then it was gone… was it gone? Was what gone?
What was she even thinking about? She should be working… harder than she was.
Where had she been? Not doing her work as she should be doing. The books on her desk stared back at her just as they had before. Not a page turned. Shame there is no one who could whisper them all to her and let her mind drink in the facts. Now that was a strange thought to have. Besides she didn’t think Willow would appreciate a sleep learning tape whilst they were in bed together. She could wake up knowing all sorts of useless stuff. Won’t be much use to me either – the very definition of useless if I go back home.
She wondered then if Dawny was doing her schoolwork, she was sure that Buffy’s sister had mentioned her own essay when they had last met up. Not that she needed any help - even if Tara had been studying something that Dawn was also doing. That was a shame, she would have liked to help someone with their schoolwork again. She had been good at it once. But Dawn was way beyond that. She picked up knowledge like a sponge. When she got to college that girl would be better than Willow was. She was smart and quick. And fun to be around. Kind of like the little sister everyone wanted to have. Well everyone but Buffy, who had to live with her. None of them had a sister. Funny that. You had a group of people and no-one – well only Buffy had a sister. Tara was the only one to have a sibling – other than Buffy of course.
Not that Tara would have wanted a sister in the Maclay family circumstances. No one should have to share her fate. If she had anything to say in it, no one would have to repeat her fate in the future. By being alone, forever she could stop it. She could stop it dead. As her service to the future. But it was kind of nice to have someone like Dawn around. To pretend a little.
How could she have forgotten Dawny in her impossible plotting? Reasons to stay in Sunnydale. Willow… of course would have been enough in her own right but for the dangers. Anya… and Dawn. It would have been nice to watch Dawn grow up a bit more and do well as Tara knew she would. Maybe Dawn would write to her… if her absence was explained properly. Maybe Dawn could keep an eye on Willow for her? But did she really want to know, when she was alone back home, how bad Willow was feeling – and one day that Willow would find someone else? She wanted Willow to be happy, but did she really want to know? Maybe Dawn shouldn’t write her about that sort of thing… not details anyway.
Anyway that would all mean telling Dawn the truth – when she had to. Who should she tell? And when? She was going to have to tell Willow eventually. But not yet…
What would be best for that? Best? To tell her love a few days before so that they could make what they could of the time they had left? Or would Willow fight it? Of course she would fight… She was so strong that she would always fight. Always. Willow would struggle to find a way around it, past it, to stop it. She was a Scooby, it was what they did. And when Willow failed to do achieve that goal we would have lost all of that time.
But maybe she could she do it? Could Willow find a way? Stupid question. There was no way. Her female ancestors must have tried it… mustn’t they?
Or she could tell Willow at the last moment. Live every moment before that to the full and then try to make it clean. Harsh, yeah. Painful, obviously. But clean and with as much time as she could find together first. Maybe that was the way. But how could she say goodbye like that?
How could she say goodbye?
Do I have to Mommy?
It was funny how she had always been closer to Dawn than to Buffy, her elder sister. It was more weird than funny. Maybe it was because Dawn understands me a bit better, Tara wondered. She wasn’t at all sure that Buffy really got Wicca as anything but an occasionally useful tool in her war against evil. If you couldn’t hit it then Buffy wasn't really as into it as a solution as she might have been – which again was fine. It took all sorts to solve the problems they all faced and usually the physical solution seemed to go a long way. It had served Slayers for thousands of years so it must be doing something right. Dawn though seemed far more impressed with Wicca than the slayer and the other scoobies were. Interested even. But she and Dawn were alike in that way. Mind over muscle. It could be down to sisterly rivalry but Dawn didn’t seem even as impressed with the Slayer as Tara was. Guess that was down to having to grow up in the same house. She had never been very impressed with Donny either - who had his own qualities that had been hard to see when you were in the same house.
Even Will was willing to hit or stake something when necessary. If the Scoobies felt that they had to do something to stop me, wondered Tara would it be Willow who did the deed? Because if they thought that was necessary and I could control myself… I wouldn’t stop them.
I wouldn’t try. Because if Willow could let them do that then it would be the right thing and she trusted Willow to do what was right.
That was another thing Dawn didn’t give a hoot about her and Willow’s relationship. Dawn was aware of it, Tara knew that, it was just never an issue to the young teenager. Could you have a generation gap in the same generation? The other Scoobies you couldn’t say the same for. Not because they were at all opposed to the relationship, but just because, she thought, it just wasn’t quite the same Willow to them. It was a new and different Willow and perhaps they weren’t sure yet whether it was an improvement.
Tara knew better, like Dawn she knew it was the real Willow. That nothing had changed other than the direction in which her affections so blessedly ran.
Dawn had got that straight away. She had been the first – even before Willow told Buffy, Dawn had figured it out. Smart cookie. Why hadn’t the others? Dawn had known Willow just as long as any of the Scoobies bar Xander. But she had always had some of her own friends – which was a great thing. Tara knew what it was to lack friends and Dawn would never have that problem. Maybe Dawn, sitting outside the Scooby crowd, not so caught up in it, could see a little more clearly and not worry about it. But everyone was better now than they had been. There was no tension… it was just a sensation that people were unsure what they could or should say around her – which had made her try too hard sometimes and confused them even more. Dawn, like Anya but for less demony reasons, had a youthful directness, which meant that she would do and say whatever it was that she wanted to… or at least what she thought she could get away with.
What is it with me and liking people who take charge of their own destiny, she wondered? Opposites… I can never take charge.
Yeah Dawn just didn’t give a hoot. And that was nice – for someone not to care. Not to think about it.
Dawn was something special. She would miss Dawn too if she had to go.
If?
Surely when.
‘Lost in your books love?’
Tara nearly jumped out of her skin when Willow spoke to her. She twisted in the chair.
‘Uh… j-just thinking sweetie. I didn’t hear you come in,’ Tara told her, glad that Willow was here.
‘I wasn't being sneaky Willow.’
‘I-I was just thinking. Caught up for a minute.’
Willow looked at Tara appraisingly, wondering what had caused her love to regress to her slight stammer, concerned. But perhaps it was just surprise. ‘I’m sorry I made you jump,’ she said as she came over to Tara and stood behind the chair, stroking Tara’s hair and ears.
Can’t there be an “if”? Please Mommy? Let there be an “if” for me.
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She's my always
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Willow: (to Tara) I could heal.
Tara: (to Willow)And we’re gone.
Re: FIC: The Beginning Cycle Part 36
Part 36 Kittens. Once more Tara. Once more Angst. Once more she is feeling a little sorry for herself... but that changes very, very soon now. YOu may think I am overegging the pudding (and I kind of agree!) but there is a masterplan... not that it is a great plan,or even a good one. But it is a plan.
Enjoy
Katharyn
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle Being Outside (Part 36)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism always welcome. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including The Real Me. As standard spoilers for facts revealed in Family.
Summary: Tara and (some) Willow stuff throughout The Real Me a few small scenes strung together hopefully with a coherent theme. Part 3 of Taras building concerns and fears.
Disclaimer: I still dont own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: Aspects of the first two sections of this part were lifted direct from the episode The Real Me which had far too much great stuff (for my purposes) to need to make all of this up myself. The lines were taken from the transcript to the episode found at http://www.psyche.kn-bremen.de/ though I have removed the Dawn voiceover which accounts for the gaps. Anything beyond the spoken lines is just my interpretation, though I have also inserted some lines that could have occurred off camera.
The Mr Bogarty giving Tara a job during the summer is purely a product of earlier parts of this fic.
The next one isnt angsty I promise. And it is a Willow fic (she has been missing a while!!)
Thanks To: All the kittens out there who are sticking with this thing of mine and I think it is about time I mentioned the mods again for their work in keeping these boards we call home so wonderful. L, off on business again when this is posted. Thinking of you
The Beginnings Cycle
Being Outside
By
Katharyn Rosser
There was such a thing as being over-protective, but then if you were a Slayer and were responsible for trying to save the entire world pretty regularly then it must be kind of hard to ease down when it came to your own sister. Perhaps it was better that a slayer was overprotective; it wouldnt do to have a blas slayer. That would get people killed.
At least that was Taras reasoning for the way that Buffy dragged Dawn out of the magic shop. Ok so there was a dead body, but Dawn had grown up in the Summers house. The place where reportedly zombie cats considerably less cute than Miss Kitty liked to visit. The place where various vamps had decided to leave their calling cards. Where mobs had chased people into the basement. And a whole lot of other stuff. Maybe if Buffy had just asked Dawn to wait outside then she would have gone rather than giving an order.
Rather than having to drag her out there. It just seemed a little harsh.
But then this wasnt just some dead monster. It was a real live well dead human. It was Mr Bogarty. And that was a different matter. It was a person. It could have been any person, but it was a representation of the failure of the slayer in her sacred duty. That had to make Buffy touchy even though it was nothing she could have done anything about it. Besides Dawn was Buffys little sister not hers - so perhaps she should just keep her thoughts to herself. Which she was doing, them being thoughts and all. But perhaps she shouldnt even be thinking them. They were unworthy of all the good Buffy had done. But still
Poor Mr Bogarty. The man who had given Tara a, well-paid, job during the summer. A good-natured man who had retired from thirty years in industry to pursue his dream and instead found his nightmare. She hadnt known him well, but she felt the loss of the man who she had seen every few days and whod let her explore the shop, even before the job, learning stuff without actually purchasing. Which was more than just nice. It was the sort of person he was. Devoted to his customers.
Had been.
He was another person who only existed in the past tense now. But you didnt have to be dead to achieve that. Some unfortunates could be alive and still be past tense. Sort of alive anyway.
Death could come to anyone here in Sunnydale, it didnt respect whether you were nice, or nasty. Good or evil. Interesting or boring. It was indiscriminate. Someone you didnt like or someone you loved. And that wasn't a reassuring thought but it was how destiny worked she guessed.
Destiny sucked, Tara thought, reflecting once more on her own. She tried not to be so selfish, but it just kept bubbling up. As the day approached every little thing was reminding her. Everything and everyone she would miss.
The Scoobies knew better than to actually disturb My Bogartys body. The police would eventually have been called, but they were completely comfortable looking at it, examining the dead shopkeeper and starting to reveal their conclusions. Feeding frenzy, pack, well stop them were all phrases that Tara heard them say as she watched them at work and then gradually fan out over the shop.
It was like a well-oiled investigative Scooby machine. They were so used to this. Death and what to do with it. Perhaps that was what marked her as an outsider here. She could still look at the body and say Poor Mr Bogarty. That wasn't something that they consciously thought of until she had said the words, when they agreed - and meant it. But it hadnt been their first reaction.
She didnt doubt that they felt it, that they regretted his death. She knew that they would do their best to stop the vampires responsible and not just for Mr Bogarty they would do it for everyone who had been or might become a victim. But it was still all very professional. Tara wasn't sure if she ever wanted to find herself being that cold after doing this long enough.
Maybe I wont have any choice about being cold.
Maybe Ill even be doing the killing.
But still the thought had again sprung to mind that she could of had a future here even if she had worries about that future. How could she not worry?
She couldnt look at Mr Bogarty any more and listen to the Scooby humour that, she guessed got them through such times, and besides Dawn was all alone outside so she made her excuses and left the shop, feeling Willows worried gaze on her briefly before her love went back to the investigation as she left. First things first sweetie, she thought as the door swung closed behind her, you cant worry about me, you have important stuff to help with.
Dawn? Tara called. Had she wandered off? Dawn?
Dawn was sat, resting against the wall. She looked upset. And that was something that people around the Scoobies had to treasure. Being able to feel upset even if it was not nice to do so. You didnt want to find yourself not caring about the individuals.
Dawn. You okay?
Is ... Is that guy dead in there? Dawn asked her the earlier excitement of being involved with the gang dulled by the realisation of what that actually meant. Not to mention that weird guy and his catty rambling.
Tara nodded. Yeah. There was not much more to say about that so she sat down next to the girl young woman by Dawns own estimation but a girl nonetheless. She should stay a girl as long as she could and not be in any hurry. The world did not get any better when you were grown up. They're gonna be a little while longer, doing the detective thing. Best non-scoobies like you and me stay out of the way.
This was the cold-hard edge of being a Scooby. Maybe it was interesting to do the research - she had learnt a lot herself. Maybe it was kind of fun to take part in solving the problem. Maybe there was a big reward to be had in feeling useful, in knowing that you were stopping evil and saving the world. And she loved being able to share it all with Willow. But this this part was in no way fun. It was the reality. It was the reason. And she didnt like it very much. It felt like failure. That they had failed to protect Mr Bogarty against the evil. So what if they had never known, never had a chance. That was how it felt. And it was never nice to be reminded of what failure meant.
To be reminded that someone had to pay the price. This was no ones actual fault. The Scooby gang hadnt known about a gang of vamps they could only react. So often that was the case. But Mr Bogarty was dead anyway. That was the reality of the world. And to Tara it still felt like a failure. Okay so they helped save the entire world but what was that worth when a nice man like that shopkeeper still died?
Dawn nodded, agreeing that they should keep out of the way, her curiousity overwhelmed by the way the world was. At least for now. They sat quietly for a few moments perhaps both reflecting on the loss of Mr Bogartys life. But that sort of thing could suck you down into despair. Maybe coping with that was the start of a real Scooby-like attitude. Still
Do you wanna thumb-wrestle? she asked Dawn.
Dawn nodded in reply. Okay.
They joined their hands and even in the triviality of the game there was a connection with another person that let both of them feel a little better. For her own part Tara wasn't sure that she should feel better. It felt wrong to feel better.
Its that Scooby thing creeping up on you, she told herself.
Or something else. Something much worse.
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Poor Dawn, Tara said as she unpacked Willows toiletries.
Willow turned and looked at her love in the mirror.
She was pretty shaken up. I was pretty shaken up too, she wanted to say, but not as much as I should have been which was what stopped her. What did that mean?
Well, sure. Bloody death and stuff Willow replied.
Bloody death and stuff. Is that all Mr Bogartys life boiled down to. Bloody death and stuff and a young girl to whom the victim was a stranger and who felt that death more keenly than even I did, Tara asked herself. And can she continue to be allowed to feel that? Should Dawn be toughened up?
What is happening to me that I can even ask that question? Scooby cynicism or
What was worse? Being excluded from everything that was happening around you. Being protected. Innocence and naivity being maintained at the expense of exclusion. Or coming to accept something like a death with professional concern rather than grief? Buffy wanted Dawn to be tougher, more careful and more grown up, but then couldnt let Dawn do that by showing her the world as it really was. It was a tough choice to make and Buffys concern for Dawn seemed to override the inclination she had to toughen her up.
She'll be okay, Willow said, really believing it. Dawn would be okay. She was Summers woman and they were tough cookies.
Maybe being alone and excluded was worse, Tara thought. When Dawn saw even someone like me becoming involved just because of who I happen to love but then was not being trusted herself to do anything Not even to be exposed to what was the reality of the world in Sunnydale when Buffy was constantly telling her that she needed to be more aware It's just ... I, I think it's tough for her, not being able to ... well, allowed to, you know, help. That did seem to be Dawns point of view. Actually if she was allowed to do anything she might even lose interest in the forbidden. But at least she would be included and have a chance to form her own opinion.
Willow continued unpacking her stuff Help?
Oh, you. You guys. The slayer circle. She hadnt meant to exclude herself from that then. She had meant to say us. But that wouldnt have been accurate would it? NO not really. For some reason she was outside of that circle. And whether that was her choice or not, she didnt really know.
Well, Buffy doesn't really need ... a-and I think Dawn's a little young, Willow told her.
I-I know, you're right. Dawn was young. She deserved to be protected from what was out there. But you couldnt have all things could you? Sometimes you couldnt even have the one thing that you wanted. It's just hard. That outsider feeling, Tara told Willow and knew that she had triggered something in her love. The way Willow sucked in her breath told Tara that she was worried. It was the smallest gesture, but it told her so much.
Tara didnt need to see the concern in Willows face as she looked at her from the other side of the room. She had known it was there.
Tara ... you're not an outsider, Willow told the other woman, trying to sound persuasive and comforting at the same time. Did Tara really feel that? Did she really feel that she was not a part of the group? She had never really thought about it. I just assumed Willow admitted to herself.
Well, yeah. I kinda am. As Tara saw it there was no other truth there. And it wasnt the group that was at fault at least in her own mind. She had to shoulder the responsibility for whatever isolation she felt. She didnt let herself get close. For lots of reasons. Reasons that shifted in importance.
Willow crossed the room towards Tara. No, you're not.
Willow, it's okay. And it was. She had Willow and that was all that mattered. What else they both did that was something else. Where does this go? She knew that the inane question wasn't going to divert Willow from the mission of making her feel better. Sometimes though it was nice to be on the receiving end of such concern. Willow would tell her such wonderful, kind things to make her feel more secure in herself.
Shed miss it when Willow couldnt do that anymore.
Somebody making you feel uncomfortable? Is it Xander? It's Xander, isn't it? Willow could, right at that moment, cheerfully strangle Xander or the offending party. How dare they make Tara, Tara of all people, feel like an outsider.
No, Xanders a sweetie.
Its Giles! It's cause hes ... British and doesn't understand about stuff. Blame it on the Brit. What was worse though was that Willow knew that she had not sensed any of this, noticed it or seen it coming. She had thought Tara was ok with the Scooby stuff. That she felt good about it.
It's no one, Tara reassured her as she continued to unpack wanting to have something to do that wasnt this. This was her immediate future. As the day came closer she knew that more of their precious time was going to be spent talking about little things that were going wrong It would be a waste. You guys all just have this really tight bond. It's-it's hard to break into that. And I'm not even sure I want to.
For so many reasons that was true. The lure of the darker powers. What was coming the loss of the ability to feel about a person that you didnt even know. Not people. Not the world. But a single person. Any person. That was the point. She didnt want to have to start thinking of the big picture at the expense of the smallest one. And to be a Scooby, a real Scooby then you had to. There was no other way She just wasn't sure if she wanted that.
Tara watched Willow in the mirror. Saw her come up behind her and then felt those safe, comforting arms around her waist and the chin rest on her shoulder. This was it. This was precisely it.
I'm sure. Willow told her.
Tara puts her hands over Willows and that was the whole point. The ability to feel for one person. They still had that. But not for any person. Not for anyone. But they didnt even know that they had lost it and if they did it would be outweighed by the good they did. But for Tara any slip down that path it could be the start of the end.
You're completely one of the gang now. Everyone accepts that, Willow continued.
Maybe. Maybe they do. But kind of not the point that I was making if only to myself. Still it was good to be reassured. To be comforted. To be held. She couldnt help herself - she had to smile.
You're one of the good guys, Willow finished.
Oh Willow, now why did you have to go and say that? Why? Because you dont know any different. I never told you. Tara let the smile fade and gently stepped away from the embrace and went back to unpacking.
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How how is she? Tara asked Xander who was sat outside a room in the hospital, no doubt on a watching brief that Tara never wanted to duplicate for her own love.
The doctor is back in with her now more tests. She's okay, I mean they say she is and she seems pretty okay. She hit her head when went down you know what happened? Xander asked her.
We got a call to uninvite Harmony then we found out Dawny was gone and Anya was hurt. Tara paused. I couldnt help with Dawn so
Yeah, Buffy is going to tear Harmony a new one. Someone has to.
That might, thought Tara, have been the first time that I have heard real venom in Xanders voice. The woman he loves is hurt. How would I react in that situation? What might I do? Would I be as restrained? Could I sit here once I knew that she was ok or would I go out there and find the thing that did it?
Tara sat down next to Xander as he held his head in his hands.
I just want her to be okay. Thats all.
We all do. She will be.
Could you Nah, Xander changed his mind about what he was going to ask.
Would you mind waiting for the doctor to finish and tell Anya that I went to get some of her stuff? he sounded embarrassed to be asking.
Sure If you have to go-
I I have They are going to keep her in, just overnight. But shell want her things. Xander looked almost close to tears and for a minute Tara was worried that he might want to leave to go and seek out the vampires who had done this to Anya. But Buffy was well on top of that one.
You w-want me to go get them? she asked.
No. Thanks. Ill go. I have to Ill go he told her.
Go.
Thanks Tara. Ill be back soon. Quick like. Like something that is real quick. A cheeto maybe. No I mean a cheetah. He looked relieved that he could escape, if only for a few minutes. Maybe he just needed to go somewhere and not have to be strong for a few minutes.
Go.
Shed realised then, as she sat alone outside Anyas room, what the ex-demon meant to Xander. Shed known what Xander meant to Anya. But she could never be sure with the reverse. It was a strange relationship. How they were around each other. Sometimes it was pure bickering. Other times it was clearly pure passion. But right now and at the root of it all it was obviously total love. It was a wonderful thing to realise.
The Doctor took several minutes more before emerging and was perhaps surprised that Xander was not there but people handled things in different ways. Having heard that it was okay Tara was able to slip in see the wounded Anya. She didnt have to ask how she was.
I hurt. A lot.
That was Anya. Weaker, quieter, but still Anya. She was, as the doctor said, okay. Thank the goddess.
Xander went to get some of your things. Hell be back real soon. Tara was more interested in just why Anyas arm was bandaged when she was supposed to have hit her head. Dislocated shoulder came the answer.
He should be here for me, Anya whined.
She deserved a whine or two Tara thought to herself indulging the ex-demon. Hell be back, its not so far.
Well he should be here. It was no longer a whine though. She just wanted him here that was all and Tara could well understand that. Have they found Dawn yet? Anya asked quietly.
Not when I left. Buffy, well, Buffy has gone to find her, Tara told her friend.
She has to find her. Bring her home safe, Anya told her forcefully.
She will, Tara replied. They could look for the individual couldnt they? The Scoobies, they could still care for the individuals. It was just that you had to choose the individuals that you could care for and still operate. No one had mentioned stopping Harmony before she killed again. Everyone was concerned about Dawn. Well that was obvious. But was that really such a bad thing? How many people could you care for that way? Much as you might not want there to be any difference between your friends and a stranger when they were in trouble - there just was.
Am I any different? Havent I forgotten about Mr Bogarty now that Dawn is missing?
Would I, Tara thought, be any different with Willow?
Absolutely not.
So why am I still an outsider? Tara wondered as she went and sat by Anyas bed, holding her hand. If not because of how you have to react to tragedy? There was a pretty simple answer
Because as much as I might trust and value everyone else, I cant trust or value myself. Which is why I have to go.
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She's my always
- - - - - - - - - - - -
Willow: (to Tara) I could heal.
Tara: (to Willow)And were gone.