Cicca - Double Tease to go!
Okay Kittens, Part 113... here we go. This is a large part, double the usual size I like to post but there was just no obvious point to split it up.
Remember this the next time I do split something and it seems short*S*
Enjoy
Katharyn
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Title:
The Sidestep Chronicle – Second Chronicle - Thoughts, Memories, Words (Part 113)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Constructive criticism is always welcome.
katharynrosser@hotmail.com Flames just demonstrate you have a tiny mind.
Spoiler Warning: Pretty limited. The story occurs in an alternate universe as set up in “The Wish” though reference is made to events that occur in both realities. Nothing is referenced that occurs after S5 though. Guess why? Most “spoilers” would be for the first chronicle of this fic rather than the show and if you haven’t read that then much of this will make no sense but you can try and get round it by reading the preface to Part 104 which summarises most of what went before.
Distribution This story was written for Pens. Pens is its home. No archiving off Different Coloured Pens (This applies to all of the Sidestep Chronicle)
Summary: Toni has been saved but things aren’t settled.
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories. You know the drill.
Rating: R – a general rating for occasional content. Individual parts might be less than this level.
Couples: Tara and Willow forever – others couples as necessary but nothing unconventional.
Notes: Okay, now see I enjoyed this part. I left it kind of nebulous last time. This time… It’s pretty certain.
Thanks To: All My Brilliant Beta Readers (AMBBR) Kerry (Forrister) and Jo (Wizpup) who for some reason signed right back up for this fic after seeing the size of the last one. No accounting for madness is there. And Celia (TiredSoul) who should have known better but signed up anyway. *HUGS* and Big Thanks to all of you. This one is one of Kerry’s and she is really clueing me in on the way things need to be. I also got to take some advice from Celia regarding Willow’s past and memories. We get to play a lot more thanks to the scampering one.
The Sidestep Chronicle – Second Chronicle
Thoughts, Memories, Words
By
Katharyn Rosser
Tara still wasn’t sure what had led to Willow’s aptitude with all things fiery, just as she didn’t know what gave Willow a better grasp of the manipulation of air than she had… or how come she had water and earth pretty much within her control when she needed it, but she’d never really been that keen on it – fire just seemed… bad. Earth, water, air… all dangerous when you manipulated them in certain ways – but you had to
try to hurt someone like that, or lose control, to be dangerous. Fire… fire was always dangerous. Too dangerous to use in town too much, where there were buildings as well as people, but as she watched Willow go forward to the edge of the manhole that, blonde, smouldering vampire had disappeared down and saw her lover’s delicate lips moving in softly spoken words, she knew that Willow wasn’t at all done with him.
And sometimes dangerous was just what they needed. Even bad.
She picked herself up from the top of the girl, but stopped the other from getting up right away, given Willow’s obvious intentions… Especially when Willow stepped back with an ‘Ooops’ forming at those lovely lips.
Ooops?
That might not be too clever –
Tara knew why there was an ‘oops’ just a moment later when a column of orange and red flame flared up from the manhole and there was a dull ‘whump’ that reverberated through the ground beneath them, powerful enough to shake the air in their lungs. A second or two later, another manhole a little way down the sewer towards the swings was blown clean out of its fitting and into the air, followed by that same whoosh of flame. And another couple of seconds… another one. Further off again. The columns were getting smaller, but still…
She looked at Willow.
It was she needed to do – look – because Willow knew what she would have said, to the point she didn’t need to.
Familiarity saved on words sometimes. Willow shrugged and gave her a tiny little, apologetic smile before saying “oops” again. This time out loud.
Overkill much? She was going to have to mention it later – with words. They had to be more careful than that. These sewers were badly needed utilities – they were as important as buildings in their own way. More so, they kept the town clean and healthy.
They couldn’t just blow them up ‘willy-nilly’ as Rupert would have put it.
On the other hand they’d got the vampire for sure and it was almost like a cartoon. Tara had always loved the ‘toons. A tiny, slightly amused, shake of her head and she looked back to the girl they’d rescued.
And found the girl was looking at Willow too. It wasn't surprising though, was it? Even if Willow hadn’t just killed the creature that had been chasing her – and Willow most definitely had with that fire ball - it was something else entirely to realise that magic did exist and what it could be used for. Fire was dangerous – Willow had done something which resulted in fire.
Danger was bad.
It didn’t take a lot of insight into people to realise what the girl might have been thinking.
The girl was backing away. Scrambling to get away from them before she even got up. “It’s okay,” Tara reassured her. “It’s all over now.”
There wasn’t a flicker in the girl’s face. Not a sign that she’d even heard what Tara had said. Maybe the vampire had been right. Maybe she
was deaf. Brave though – clever and, pretty obviously, fast too. Which was why, if she ran, Tara was sure that they’d never catch up with her. This kid had outrun a vampire, in a sewer. At least for long enough to get from the nearest entrance to here.
Tara held out her hands, showing that she wasn’t going to come near her. Asking her to stop. It seemed like a universal gesture.
And it seemed to work.
The girl hesitated, still glaring at Willow though. She seemed confused. Confused by Willow for some reason, barely paying attention to Tara at all. Tara slowly moved into the line of sight, between the girl and Willow – who by now had noticed that the girl was staring at her. No one ever said her baby wasn't observant and as Willow came towards them, probably to find out what was wrong, there was no doubt that the girl again backed away.
And Tara didn’t know why so she held her hand up, encouraging Willow to stay back – and sure enough the girl stopped too.
Why?
Okay there had been fire. There had been magic and that was pretty spooksome – but on the other hand, it had been directed at the creature, a vampire, which had been chasing her. Hurting her – wanting to hurt her more.
Why was this girl afraid of Willow?
No one, except the vampires, had needed to be afraid of Willow for over four years – and no matter what had happened to her this girl hadn’t been held by vampires that long. She didn’t know anything about the old Willow.
So why was she still terrified of Tara’s lover?
There had to be a better way than gestures to talk to this kid.
There
was a better way. It wasn’t something she would have wanted but…
Tara focused. This was something she’d never tried… except with Willow but it seemed all she could do to get an answer and to make sure this girl was okay.
And to find our what was wrong.
----------------------
The redhead. Somehow Toni knew her even though she was sure she’d never actually seen her before in her life. Not seen with her eyes anyway.
She’d seen her in her head though. Felt what had happened to her. Now, Toni had seen and felt a lot of things she’d never been involved with – thanks to that vampire. She could feel, remember, what the vampire bitch who’d put all this in her head had done to the redhead.
Somehow she could feel all that stuff… It had been put in her and she didn’t want it. She wanted to get rid of it. Sick it up out of her mind. But… It wouldn’t go away like that. She’d always had a sympathetic disdain for people who wanted to stick their fingers down their throats to bring up food.
But… she wanted to do something like that with her memories – someone else’s memories. She understood the disgust they might feel at having something inside them, which they couldn’t get rid of any other way.
It just stayed there in her. Had it only been an hour - something like that? It felt like a lifetime already because there was just so much of it in her mind. And one small part of those thoughts and feelings involved this woman with the red hair.
She knew it was, if not true then… definitely there.
She didn’t know what was true and what was a lie anymore. It was a little better now, but at the start – after the vampire had done this to her – she hadn’t been able to tell which were her memories and which belonged to the vampire.
It was still tough.
She’d lain there, sprawled on the paving stones, as they did whatever the heck they were doing to that creature which had followed her and she’d realised that… She’d seen the redhead inside her own head. And there was only one place that could have come from wasn’t there? There was only one person, thing, which had been inside her head. She knew this woman her from the visions that the dark haired vampire had put in her head. Just a small part of them – but they were so vivid and real… she might almost have been there. Those terrible, horrible visions and feelings were even worse than the things she’d really seen in the last few… was it weeks she’d been down there?
The nightmares and the things in her head merged into one… stretching like spaghetti… wrapping around her own experiences and around everything she’d ever been afraid of. And of course the spaghetti was really a snake… She hated snakes. She hated the idea of snakes. All slithery and uhh…
It was still tough to tell where the real world ended and the things in her head began. Separating one memory from another was even harder. Had she actually
really seen this red haired woman before? No… That was the thing in her head – but whose?
She’d
felt that same fiery red hair. That girl had been bitten when she
had been a girl. Now she was a young woman. Toni had felt it in her head but from the vampire’s side… She knew - she’d felt what it was like to bite and suck blood. The vampire had put it in her head and she knew that this red-haired woman… well, she’d died once. She’d felt the dark haired vampire do it to her. To Toni, it was like feeling herself do those things.
And then she’d seen that same red haired woman, seeming to be a vampire, waking up and immediately biting someone else. That was how it worked then? You got bitten and then you died? But then you were a vampire if you came back. The red-haired woman looked just like… She’d been in that first vision. That terrible, disgusting, icky vision that seemed so real it could be a memory or, when it was at the forefront of her thoughts, a sensation that was really happening
now.
But really she kind of thought it was a memory of someone else’s memory.
The first vision had seen the redhead killed, Toni had felt it, and the second… recalled her – paler and nastier – killing.
And… she’d even ‘heard’ screams. She’d never heard a scream in her life… Until what was in their head had been put into hers. No she hadn’t heard it. She’d felt it; she’d felt the scream ring out. She’d felt it so many times – but one of them had been someone, a child, screaming at the red-haired woman… Not woman. Not in her head. Vampire. That vampire had taken a child as soon as she had woken from death… and the other vampire, who’d bitten the redhead in the first place, was proud of her… Toni was proud. She felt the pride. And then she’d felt the need to leave.
Whose feeling was that? Not hers. Toni herself just felt the need to retch and get away from everyone.
Was that what a scream really sounded like? Once more she was glad that she couldn’t hear. Why would anyone want to hear what the vampire remembered hearing? And what she ‘remembered’ feeling.
So many of the memories… delight in inflicting pain on people. On other vampires. On something with slimy antlers on its head… There was a lot of a vampire, the blonde haired vampire that these women had killed. It was there… She knew what he felt like in ways she didn’t want to know at all. She knew what it was like to hurt him and watch him enjoy that. That dark haired vampire had put the stuff in her head and… It was horrible. She didn’t want it there anymore. She wanted someone – she wanted Daddy – to take it away so she didn’t have to feel it anymore.
The redhead was a small, brief, part of the waking nightmare that the dark haired vampire had put in her head. Years of memories rushing through her so quickly… this woman before her now was one of them. She had to be one of them. Toni could see her, with the fangs, in her head. Or was what was happening now just a feeling from another time?
No.
This was real. This was… This redhead was here and Toni knew she was a vampire.
But… when she looked… She couldn’t see fangs and the redhead didn’t look the same at all. Not the same clothes. Not the same hair – apart from the colour – not the same cruel look in her eyes. The skin, not as deathly pale as all the vampires she’d seen. She looked healthy. She looked alive and happy to have done whatever it was she had done which had killed the vampire that had been chasing her.
In short, she didn’t look like a vampire… Actually she was looking a lot closer to the girl the dark haired vampire had bitten and killed. It had to be her. It just had to be… That girl became a vampire. Dead and a killer – she’d ‘felt’ something like joy as the red-haired vampire had killed a child. She didn’t like ‘feeling’ happy about something like that – even if it wasn’t her own feeling.
But how could she be a vampire if she didn’t look like one and had saved her life? These women both had helped her. They’d saved her from the vampire that had been chasing her through the tunnels, killed him and she knew how
close he’d been to the vampire who’d put this in her head. She’d felt it. The redhead and the dark haired vampire… there might have been pride in those feelings once, but they certainly weren’t together now. What did that mean? Maybe… Maybe, if these two
were vampires they wanted to eat her too? Dogs did that, they fought over food. Did vampires? Was that what this was?
But they didn’t look like vampires at all – Toni had seen enough in the past few weeks to spot the signs.
And they’d helped her. But they’d done it by doing things that no person, no human, should have been able to do. It had been… magic or something like that. First vampires and now magic? Vampires and magic together? She wished that she’d paid more attention to the sci-fi stuff that all the geeks at school had been so addicted to. She’d have known the words for all this sort of stuff. But the words weren’t important. She knew what was in her head. What she felt of someone else’s memories, and what she remembered for herself.
They’d conjured fire and they’d thrown a stake without even making a movement. It was like the wind had come along and carried it from that hand, straight at the vampire until it was stuck in him. Perhaps there was something to the thing about wooden stakes in the films? Why not? She didn’t know any better but they hadn’t killed him that way and it had been stuck right in him.
The vampire had already left – it had been
afraid of them though. And usually things were only scared of things that were worse than them right? Were these two
worse than vampires? Was magic, or whatever this was that they were doing, worse than blood-sucking, murdering vampires?
But… no matter what, they’d saved her life – and the redhead… well she looked
alive. They both did. Vampires – even without their ugly faces on looked pretty-much dead. Pale and lifeless. At least they did to her – she’d seen enough of them by now… One would have been enough… but she must have seen dozens. The redhead… both of these women looked very much alive. Alive and coming towards her which she
really didn’t want them to do.
So this wasn’t the redhead that had been put in her thoughts? The one that the dark vampire had been so proud of when she’d made the child scream?
Except it was too.
Wasn't it?
She scrambled to her feet and moved backwards. The blonde was saying something to her, she could see the lips moving, but Toni was too focused on the redhead that she was so wary of to even make a stab at lip reading.
Not something she was very good at anyway. They’d pushed her into a few, compulsory, classes at school for a semester – but she’d never wanted to know what people were saying unless they were saying it in her own language. The rest of it was just sound and she didn’t have a great opinion of that – not if it was like the screams that she felt to the core of her being thanks to the vampires.
What was that woman with the red hair?
How had she been able to do that thing with the fire? How had either of them been able to do what they’d done? Why wasn’t she a vampire? Why was she human – if they were? Maybe, like vampires, they just looked human?
More human than the others. Without all the obvious veins and pale skin.
What did they want and why were they coming towards her now? Why couldn’t they just stay back and leave her alone?
And then… just like in the tunnels before she’d been made to run, she felt something in her head. A feather light touch this time. Delicate in a different way. This wasn't peeling aside the layers of her mind like an onion. But then that was how the vampire had started too. Delicate. The vampire who’d stuffed ugly death into her head… And worse.
NO!
And now someone was in her head again and she didn’t want that. She didn’t want anyone there but herself. She hated what they’d done to her. She hated this place – this whole damn town. She hated vampires… and she hated anyone who tried to force their way into her head to put their own things, which weren’t a part of her, into there.
She looked around, wondering if that other, dark haired, vampire had caught up with her, presumably dead, bleached friend. But there was no one else around. And the blonde was looking at her funny. Like she was concentrating on something she was doing – even if she was just standing there. A little like the vampire in the tunnels had done…
It’s okay. He’s gone now.The feeling of the words was in her head. The thought was. Where the hell had that come from? Dumb ass question. It was obviously from the blonde. Obviously? There had been a time, a few days ago, that it wouldn’t have been obvious at all. Instead, now, there were people in her head all the time.
Yes, it’s me, don’t worry. We won’t hurt you.The thought felt surprised – at least what she thought that surprise would feel like. They shared the surprise. The blonde was surprised and it was Toni herself who was feeling it. Sort of. But being in her head… She didn’t want the visions. She didn’t want people in there leaving awful things behind. She didn’t want anything but her own thoughts and feelings in her own head. It was hers. She didn’t want memories from other people. Or words. Impressions of screams. Feelings. Or anything.
She didn’t want it.
She didn’t know how to do this, and she should have tried the last time. But if this blonde woman was
any different to that cruel vampire then she’d listen to what Toni wanted, deep down inside.
GET OUT!!!The blonde woman staggered as if Toni had kicked her in the face, and the touch in her mind was gone right away. Which was good – she did listen then. Toni fixed her eyes on that blonde woman, trying to tell her – just by being determined - not to ever do that again. Not ever. No one should do that. It wasn't fair. It wasn't nice and even if they weren’t going to eat her – even if they had saved her life – she didn’t want to be anywhere near them if they were going to mess around inside her mind. It was… It was…
She felt sick.
There was someone here who could easily be a vampire – had been, or would be perhaps - and there was someone, who like that other vampire, could get into her head – either that or she was going crazy, feeling things happening which… Believing in things that weren’t real at all. She thought, inside, she’d heard something which had happened a long time ago.
Deaf people didn’t ‘hear things’ – so she knew that if she was sensing screams then she was definitely crazy.
Or something really was in her head.
After the past couple of weeks she’d probably end up in therapy for the next ten years… Maybe her mind had cracked? Maybe none of it was real? If it wasn't real then… maybe her Dad was still alive somewhere? But… This was the reality her mind was serving up for her right now.
And it might all be the truth.
Whatever the answer was… running had served her well up to now.
She backed away from them and they didn’t press her again. They’d stopped, trying to put her at ease. The blonde girl still looked shocked, hurt even. Well good – she shouldn’t have been in there, in her head. Toni just stood up and ran.
She ran towards the lights and just hoped that there were real people there… even if it was just what her mind called real people… People who could help her without being bad and in her head. She didn’t want anyone in her head, making her feel things which had never been
her reality… It was only in her head that she could see her Dad now…
Something told her, as she ran, that was the real truth.
And if he was only there, then he should be just hers.
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“Wait!” Willow shouted after the fleeing girl. And, of course, she didn’t pause, react or even hear her.
Very, very good Willow, she admonished herself.
That’s wonderful that is. Shouting at the receding back of a deaf girl. Really likely to get a reaction. And she was almost certain the girl was, in fact, deaf. It hadn’t been confirmed by anything as obvious as a big, flashing sign saying ‘I am deaf’, but it seemed to be the way things were. She wasn’t sure she’d met anyone who was deaf before but… Something about the things the girl had and hadn’t been reacting to just made it seem the most likely explanation.
She also thought she knew why the girl had run…. She’d been able to sense what Tara was doing even as she’d been preparing for it. Their own connection had made it possible. As Tara had prepared for the effort Willow had known what she was going to do. What had her own reaction been? It was weird. She’d felt slightly possessive and had also found it sort of cute that she’d felt jealous of Tara being willing to use such a mental touch with someone other than her. She knew there really hadn’t been any choice… Not out here without any paper or anything else. But the idea that Tara would use something so intimate that they shared just with each other to try and talk to the girl – to reassure her and stop her being afraid… It wasn’t that she minded. She agreed it had been the best way to get through to the scared kid, to stop her being scared. But there was a part of her that resented it.
No, ‘resented’ was too strong a word.
It was the part of her that said Tara was all hers and always would be. It was still true though.
Their mental link, hers and Tara’s, was so close and so powerful when it was allowed to flower that Willow couldn’t have helped sensing both the thoughts Tara was trying to send to the girl and the terror that, for some reason, they’d inspired in her.
Tara had been so gentle… as she always was at such times, but the girl had still been scared. Terrified. And the kick, the mental kick, to get Tara out of her head… Wow. Willow had winced when it happened and she’d felt Tara’s pain – working immediately to soothe that for her lover.
But it wasn’t
just a fear of Tara being in her head, though perhaps that was what had driven the girl away, there was more to her fear than that.
There had also been a crushing fear of… ‘the red haired woman.’
That was her. She was the red haired woman, pretty much full time.
When the girl had lashed out at Tara there had been an undercurrent. It was as if, in that moment of connection, something had been wanting to get out from the kid’s head and out into someone else’s – theirs. Willow had been able to tell that the fear of the ‘redhead’ was something that hadn’t been instant. It was fear which had built up over a little time – at least. In the sewers, running from vampires. She knew the kid had been down there, running. Whatever else had happened to her before that… Some part of it had made the kid afraid of her. Then seeing the magic on top of that…
Then Tara connecting with her, being in her head… That was what she’d felt the girl being afraid of… Not just afraid. She’d been angry too. Desperately angry that someone would do that to her… Had there been an ‘again’ in that anger? Had it happened to her before and left a scar? Or had something else, something worse, happened to her which made her want to protect her privacy so fiercely? And there had definitely been… Before that mental touch which proved to be a mistake…
The girl had definitely been, and still was, afraid of her. And that wasn’t fair - no one had been afraid of her since she’d come back as a real person. No one had needed to be afraid of her. No one but the demons anyway and they really didn’t count. She’d been very careful about no one having to be afraid of her. It seemed silly now, four years later, but she remembered how the vampire had killed, hurt and scared a lot of people here in Sunnydale - so when Tara had given her life back she really had made an effort to be in no way scary.
Perhaps it had been the magic that had gotten to the girl, the reality of it, but Willow didn’t think so. The fear was way more focused on her – just as much as the anger had been focused on Tara being in her head - rather than Tara herself.
The girl was scared and angry.
And why not? She’d just been chased through the sewers by Spike.
Spike…
That was who it had been. She knew that now. He was pretty unforgettable – given what he’d done to Xander. What she’d seen him do – even if she’d never seen him again after that.
Oh yes, Willow had recognised him. The vampire, the memories of the other Willow which she carried within her, only told her of his reputation – which that other Willow hadn’t been impressed by at all. The only time she’d seen him had been… they’d been her own memories. Before she’d been killed by his evil lover.
She could still remember the life slipping away from her as those teeth ripped her throat open. She could still see Xander, already dumped on the floor by the bleached killer she’d just now fried.
She was glad she’d been the one who’d got to do it.
She’d never been glad of anything like that before and she felt… She felt cheapened by it now. But, she
was happy it had been her. There was no denying it. He and Drusilla had unleashed them, she and Xander, on the world as undead things.
And the crimes they’d performed…
She was glad it had been her who’d got to kill him.
Willow trotted over to Tara, ready to go after the girl – or at least try to. But the kid was already
far away across the other side of the open, grassy, park now. How? Well, it was obvious how, she was running and she was running fast which would be how she’d gotten away from Spike. And she was heading for the lights, which was good. The girl had good sense as well as obvious speed then. And stamina… She’d outrun a vampire and they
never got tired when they were on the hunt – Willow was well aware of that. At least not as humans did. Lack of blood could get to them – but no muscle pain. She couldn’t remember a single person eluding the vampire she remembered or Xander when they’d let them run.
Actually, for the vampire it had been fun when they ran. She knew it. She hated knowing it, but she knew that the more the prey struggled, fled and feared… the better the taste. Why was she stuck with these awful memories she didn’t want?
Because she couldn’t forget.
She shouldn’t forget.
Not what she’d been. Not what she’d done.
The girl had a sharp mind – at least as far as Willow had been able to tell by looking and second hand through Tara’s attempted connection. Like Tara’s own mind she’d got the impression the girl’s was exceptionally clear of mental clutter. That was how she’d been able to give Tara such a painful dismissal – such a clear denial of the right to be there, in her head. Her life though, right then, had been pretty simple. The fear instinct was simple. There had just been one thing in her mind – getting away. Not getting hurt… Not having to be touched like that… And the sense of ‘again’ came to Willow for a second time as she thought about it.
What had happened to that kid? Why was she so afraid of reassurance? She hadn’t even really had time to realise what Tara had been doing – and fear had taken over so quickly…
The girl was terrified and why not? There was the fear of the touch in her mind which seemed to be more than they knew, but vampires… Most sensible people were terrified by vampires. It was good sense to be terrified. The body wanted you to be terrified to trigger off all the chemical responses that would help you get away from them.
And that had been Spike.
She’d killed Spike.
How long had she wanted to do that? Actually… She hadn’t thought about it in a long while. Life was good and looking back to those bad days just… wasn’t necessary anymore. She and Tara could and did look at where they were and, hopefully, where they were going. Looking back was something they preferred to avoid. Both of them, but especially Tara, had spent way too long in their lives looking back. So they’d made a conscious decision – part of being in love really – to stop doing it so much. To live with what had happened and do their best to make things better.
Spike
was dead. There was no way in the world a vampire could survive that kind of fireball. A person maybe, even if they were horribly burned, but vampires were far more easily combustible. Once they caught fire they tended to go up like a small pile of kindling.
Spike was dead. The vampire who’d killed – and turned – her old friend Xander was dead.
And she’d done it to him.
Yay me.Actually, it was a long time since she’d even thought about Xander in more than a passing memory way. But it was longer still since the last time she’d seen him in any way that she wanted to remember him.
Sorry about that X-Man, she thought, wondering if any part of him could tell.
Back to the moment. Tara was focused on the girl – Willow knew she just wanted to see she was safe – but running like that, as long as she managed to find her way home then there shouldn’t be a problem.
The girl’s Mom and Dad would be definitely be glad to see their daughter.
And she’d killed Spike. Spike was gone…
Xander, she thought,
that was just for you. And now she could look at where they were, and forward, again.
She laid her hand on Tara’s arm and her love took the hand in her own and held it gently. “She’ll be okay baby,” Willow told her with a reassuring squeeze. “I mean see how fast she’s running? We couldn’t even catch her if we wanted to.”
“No,” Tara agreed. “Not without magic and that would just freak her out even more than she already is,” she went on sadly.
“Come on baby, you have to admit the whole magic thing is fairly freaksome,” Willow told her, rubbing her thumb in Tara’s soft palm in the way she knew Tara liked. “Not that we’re freaks or anything – but definitely ‘freaksome.’” Tara smiled and Willow knew it was all okay. If Tara was smiling then the world was okay. Tara was just worried about the girl getting home, alone, okay and Willow had a thought about that. “We could ask Jenny to check with her school?” she suggested. That ought to work – Jenny could do it without breaking too many rules and then they’d be sure she got home okay.
Everyone was a winner – which was how she liked it.
Tara turned and looked at her, a question in her eyes.
“Well,” Willow explained, “she must still be in school at that age and if Spike was right and she
is deaf – then it shouldn’t be so hard to track her down in Sunnydale. Missing deaf kid – about thirteen or fourteen years old. Maybe fifteen, I guess.” It seemed logical to Willow, but then not everyone got her logic. Sometimes her logic didn’t resemble earth logic, at least when she was trying to explain something that didn’t necessarily work logically. Even Tara, after all this time, sometimes had that same problem.
But most of the time she was soooo the logic girl.
The other woman paused, looked once again at the path the girl had taken – or rather the line she’d taken across the park where there was no actual path. Willow looked out into the dark to check as well. The girl had disappeared through the trees and towards town by now. Safe enough then. Vampires wouldn’t bother to hunt where there weren’t people and she was going to hit the ‘night’ side of Sunnydale were all the bars and cafes were. People there who’d help her if she needed it. “We could do that,” Tara said slowly, obviously thinking about it. “It would be best to be sure she was alright.”
They might not be able to help her if she refused help… But they didn’t want to be worrying about her in the days to come. Willow knew what Tara was thinking – and she didn’t need their connection to do that. Tara wanted to be sure the girl was safe.
So did she.
Besides there was the whole ‘drawn to this time and place’ thing going on. That had to be weighing heavily on Tara’s mind. Something had brought them here – a feeling that they needed to be – and it would appear that it was connected with the girl.
Tara wasn’t about to forget about that – but once the kid ran away then there was nothing much more that they could do about it. At least not here. Besides Willow wasn’t sure that, maybe, there was another reason the girl.
Maybe the feeling had been about Spike. Maybe destroying him, being here to do that, was important? It was certainly important to her. She couldn’t believe she’d finally got to do it – for Xander. She wasn't sure that there was a single vampire she’d rather have killed. Not even the one who’d turned
her into a monster. She’d watched Spike kill Xander… and that had been horrible. Especially after what he’d said to her just before.
“Yeah I love you Will. If I didn’t before then after what we have been though – together - then I surely do now.”It hadn’t been his fault he’d come to the realisation too late. It hadn’t been his fault, presented with the reality of what she’d dreamed about for years, she just didn’t feel the same way – not romantically anyway. Friendship, despite her long time crush, was as far as her love had gone at that moment. It hadn’t been his fault that, somehow, she had already been waiting for Tara to come into her life. Even if she hadn’t known it.
He’d loved her, at the end, and he’d died loving her – his life sucked out of him by Spike.
No. There wasn’t a single vampire in existence she’d rather have killed than Spike – for Xander. Perhaps, if he wasn't already, he could rest now.
Tara paused again, perhaps watching the emotions playing over her face. “Willow?” she asked.
“Yeah baby?”
“Who’s Spike?”
Not that Willow had been hiding it, and she was feeling pretty good about the whole killing-him-deader-than-a-roast-turkey thing right now, but she sort of wished that Tara hadn’t asked that question, at least not right then. She wished that she hadn’t let the name slip until she’d had a chance to think about it and what it might mean. It was out there now though. Tara knew that there was someone called Spike around even if she didn’t know what it meant. Might mean… She’d know that it had to be someone Willow had known as a vampire and the only obvious ‘excuse’ she could come up with was to pretend it was just something to do with how his hair had looked.
But it wasn’t and she wouldn’t even consider lying. Not to Tara.
See this was why she’d wanted to think about it. Spike’s presence in Sunnydale wasn’t a small thing. Not at all. The last time he’d been here. Well it had been the end of hers and Xander’s lives. She was just blessed to have this lovely woman to bring her back.
Tara already knew though… She knew about what had happened back when the Master’s followers had caught her… It hadn’t been too far from here actually, once they got through the trees they’d be almost at the spot where her life had been condemned… until Tara had given it back to her. Not just her life…
“Spike was the vampire… Well he was the one…” She was finding it hard to say the words – because of what they’d meant for everyone. So many people… not just she and Xander. She’d been happy to have killed him – but she wasn’t sure she’d be happy to explain it. Or what it might mean.
“Willow, its okay baby,” Tara promised her.
Willow swallowed that fear – banished it with Tara’s blessing. “It was the vampire who killed my friend, Xander,” Willow said slowly.
“You mean, the one that turned him?” Tara checked. “At the same time as you were turned?” The second question was softer, as if that would make it better… Less… Less everything. Tara had experienced a lot of things in her life, more than Willow herself by a long way, but Willow could guarantee her that she’d never experienced something as awful as having the life sucked out of her.
Tara had never, actually, had to watch it – at least not someone she loved. Faith was about as close as she’d come and that had been bad enough for Willow’s lover. Feeding was different to killing… Even when a vampire was enjoying it. Feeding, dying by the millilitre, was different and Willow would never be persuaded any different.
“Yeah,” Willow breathed. Tara knew how close she and Xander had been as children and through that into being teenagers. They’d grown up together and they’d died together. Unbidden, many of those happy memories came back to her – even if they were a little fuzzier now. Less specific than they had been once. But he’d been her best friend when she hadn’t had all that many. If he’d been alive now… well apart from Tara then maybe he still would have been close to her. It was the sort of friendship that was bent and stretched but could never be broken… After all it had survived him stealing her Barbie’s – and the day after her birthday as well - when she’d been waiting all year for them.
Ira was a big believer in delayed gratification. Which might be how Willow had come to appreciate it too – but not, always, relating to presents anymore. That was a happier thought. That was the sort of place she needed to be… thoughts of delayed gratification with her beautiful lover. Not wallowing around in a past that always ended badly.
“Good,” Tara said suddenly, with another reassuring squeeze of her hand.
“Good?” Willow had to ask. What was good about that? Not how she was feeling surely. She was feeling… uncomfortable with the memories. Good and bad… Because good led to bad – chronologically. But bad led back to good – eventually. It was the in-between badness that hurt her.
“It’s about time he got what was coming to him, sweetie,” Tara told her with the ferocity of a woman who’d seen her lover hurt and wasn’t going to take it anymore.
Tara had seen much more than that though – Tara had seen the state of her when she’d come back from where the vampires had sent her - death. It was Tara’s love that was the only thing that had been able to build her back up… Not to the person she had been, the person who Xander had known, but instead to the person she was today. A different Willow. The Willow who was supposed to be with Tara. The Willow who’d been able to avenge her friend’s death completely unexpectedly. And the death of the people that Xander had killed.
And the deaths, thousands of them surely, Spike had caused through the years. Tens of thousands if he’d been anything like as prolific as she remembered being in her few years as a vampire.
And it wasn’t just alone. There were the people she and Xander had killed together. The vampire Xander and the vampire called Willow, who she remembered so perfectly. Her childhood happy memories were fuzzier and the bad things the vampire had done – done to Tara in some cases – were crystal clear? What was up with that? That was screwed up in the worst way.
Sometimes these things just hit her. She was finding it tough to focus on the good things – they’d saved the girl and killed Spike. That was very, very good.
And she was with Tara. Which was even better.
Her love turned to stand facing her, no longer looking out after where that girl had gone – just to Willow herself. Tara was hers. “And you did it to help the girl too,” she said.
They
had helped the girl, Willow had to focus herself on the good – not the bad stuff in the past. But… For goodness sake, why was she feeling guilty about this? Not about killing him – never that – but… “He was trying to get away,” she said. She hadn’t been saving the girl then. She’d been
trying to kill him.
And she’d done it too.
Yay me, she thought again. And this was what was worrying her. She hadn’t
needed to do it to help the girl.
“And if you hadn’t done something about him then he’d have chased and killed someone else tomorrow night. And every night after that – just like he’s done to someone every night since he did that to your friend Xander. Willow, you
know the costs of letting one of them get away when we have a chance to stop them. Letting them continue to hunt and kill,” Tara said. “And besides there is
nothing wrong with wanting him dead for what he did to your friend. Nothing at all. I promise baby – this isn’t at all like a revenge thing. You did the right thing – maybe for reasons that were personal as well – but that’s okay sweetie.”
Willow did know about having to kill them when they could – it was what drove she and Tara to actively hunt them down. And she knew about the revenge thing too… Knowing and worrying weren’t the same thing though. But she knew that Tara knew… She knew that if there was one thing Tara was still looking back to in her own life – and felt she had to atone for even after they left all that behind – then it was letting the vampire that Willow had been continue to exist. For her own very personal reasons.
Tara should have killed that vampire. It had taken her a long time to do it and a lot of people had died because of it.
Tara was right – it was important to do the right thing and this
had been the right thing.
She’d done the right thing – and her motives… well why not? Perhaps her heart hadn’t been at its absolute purest at that moment… but could she really say what was going through her mind at the very instant she decided to do it? Maybe she could try…
She remembered… she’d wanted to help the girl, but she’d wanted to do something for Xander too. There was no denying that. The moment before she’d decided and the moment after she had been thinking about what she could do for him. It was the last thing that she would ever be able to do for him. Maybe it was a little late… And… she’d been worried too. About something else. She’d been worried what Spike’s presence here could and would mean.
What it implied.
Or even what was possible. Spike… after they’d ‘woken up’ – she and Xander – as vampires… they’d barely heard of him again. And if he’d been mentioned in the Master’s Court then it was usually in just one context.
Drusilla.
Spike had been seen, within the Order, as the boy-toy and sometime keeper of the insane vampire they’d
all heard of.
Willow remembered her all too well. She remembered being killed by her. She remembered the deranged woman’s touch. Her deadly kiss. The sensation of having the life sucked out of her through a torn open wound in her neck… She remembered being damned by sucking on Drusilla’s wrist in desperate thirst – desperation to stay alive. Somehow, instinctually, her body had known the only way to continue to exist in any form was to take what was being offered.
And damn her.
Mental processes were sublimated at that moment to the reflexive needs of a body which wanted only life – any kind of life. Then it had all gone black anyway… She’d known she was dying – but… she’d known she wasn't quite dead either.
Not fully.
It was only when she woke again that she’d had any idea what… Idea? No, not idea… It had been full knowledge. She, the vampire, had been revelling in it… She shuddered and remembered the words her siress had spoken to her as she awoke… as that other Willow had come to life for the first time and taken the child which had been given to her as her first meal…
‘We’ll meet again,’ Drusilla had said.
But they never had. The vampire Willow had never seen Drusilla after she left the Bronze the next night without them saying another word to each other. Willow remembered being too hungry to bother with anything but eating. Kill after kill after kill. Then… there had been other hungers. For inflicting pain, gathering power… Playing delicious little games. But… that Willow had heard about her. The insane vampire out there in the world. A vampire driven to madness before she’d even been turned and who’d passed a part of it on, after that, to the vampire she’d turned Willow into.
Drusilla the little girl.
Drusilla the deadly monster who was reputed to have been stronger even than Luke.
And Spike was nearly always with her – or close behind her. Drusilla didn’t follow him, oh no, he always came after her.
Which meant that there was a good chance that she was here in Sunnydale now – that she’d arrived with Spike or even before him. Unless he was just passing through on his way somewhere else? That was possible but she couldn’t assume it was the case – they couldn’t.
A vampire stronger than Luke? Here? One that was insane with all that strength? Though Drusilla was a slight in build… the stories of her lifting the Master’s favourite, bodily by the throat, and throwing him in the trash, had been a legend amongst those who’d hated the Master’s enforcer.
But now… that strength… her reputed mental gifts and the insanity were going to make her very dangerous. Almost… Almost not a vampire at all – at least in attitude. She was so far off the vampire curve that Willow would hate to even look at her in the same way for fear of underestimating her.
Not now that Spike was dead. What was Drusilla’s reaction going to be about her paramour’s death? They’d spent the best part of a century together if she remembered rightly. Drusilla had been Spike’s siress just as she’d been that other Willow’s. Willow thought back to the vampire she had been, wondered what her reaction would have been to Tara’s death when they had been… together? There was no true ‘love’ between a vampire and anyone else, even another vampire, but there was an approximation of it which they might
believe to be love…
And Drusilla was insane. She kept coming back to the lack of sanity. Maybe a deranged vampire was actually capable of love? Willow really hoped not… because if she was then there was probably nothing that was going to stop her wrath apart from killing her – which was likely to be more than just tricky.
And where was Drusilla anyway? Even if she wasn’t actually in Sunnydale right now… She’d probably come here.
They had no idea about any of it – except for one thing. Spike was dead and there had to be a reaction.
The male vampire, from all reports, wasn’t one to go skulking around in the sewers. Willow couldn’t remember her vampire-self doing that either. Sewers were for the weak. She’d ask Giles to have a look into both of them, Spike and Drusilla, to make sure of the supposition but Willow was fairly sure he’d probably just followed the girl into there. He hadn’t been dressed for the sewers either. Anyone who spent that amount of time on their hair might want to look casual but, really, they were pretty obsessed about their appearance.
But if he hadn’t been using the sewers then… Well, she didn’t think anyone would be able to miss a vampire like Spike in a town like this… So either he had just arrived… or… well, something else was going on.
Something which she didn’t know about.
“I think,” she said slowly, “we might have more of a problem baby.”
Tara waited for her to elaborate.
“I think… well with Spike, back when I… damn when
she was in the Order… There was always another vampire with him, at least they said there was and it was definitely true when he was last in town. They say that they went everywhere together. The two of them even think they’re in love – or at least Spike did.” Willow knew what she thought of that idea. She’d loved Tara as a vampire and as a woman now. She knew which the real deal was. There was no comparison at all – just a dark shadow when she’d been the vile creature. Lustful possessiveness wasn't love.
Though, perhaps, there was no darker shadow than Dru. The other Willow hadn’t feared Tara, she hadn’t feared Slayers. She’d feared the Master – but then everyone had. Fear was
why he had been the Master. She’d fought and killed Luke – the strongest one of them all – the Master’s favourite.
But the only other being that had scared her… was her own siress.
Drusilla.
And Drusilla hadn’t even been there when she was afraid… Her vampire memories were full of the lingering fear the unbalanced vampire would return. Willow had heard all the stories back then. Torturing the puppy, Angelus, had been a way of getting at Drusilla. Angelus had been Drusilla’s sire and imposing her power over him had made her feel more comfortable about what would happen if her siress returned.
Besides, the Master had always had a soft spot for Drusilla. She’d been a threat in terms of becoming one of his favourites too.
Now Willow couldn’t help but remember the fear. She remembered those who had said that the vampire Willow was crazy. Usually they’d whispered it and they’d only done it the once. That wasn’t quite true though. That vampire…
she… had been uninhibited to an extent that even vampires rarely reached – and it was part of why she’d been the Master’s favourite.
Or one of them. She’d reminded him of Drusilla, but with more focus. More obedient to his wishes because of that focus.
Her uninhibited state might have come from Drusilla, but it had manifested itself in every part of her existence.
Drusilla… They’d always said the puppy, Angelus, had driven her insane whilst she was still a human. Killing her whole family before her eyes, they said. Back before the wolf he had been, a legend, had become the puppy she’d tortured. Back when the name Angelus had had actually meant something.
Willow had all these stories in her head.
And that was why, now, after recognising and killing Dru’s vampire paramour, Spike, she was worried about what the future was going to hold for them and for Sunnydale. “Drusilla,” Willow completed.
“I’ve never heard of her,” Tara told her, sounding curious but also glancing out in the direction the girl had run.
Willow had already looked for herself, the kid was long gone.
“She was my… she was the one who turned me, Tara. The one who made me the vampire me.” Willow hated the inadequacies of the English language for the times she had to deal with the history of a vampire that had been her, which she had been, and which died… and she’d come back from as someone else. Someone she’d sort of been before. But wasn't her now. And how many times had she died?
There just weren’t enough words for that sort of thing. Certainly not the right ones.
Maybe she should have been making up some new ones. After all she was the only person in the world it had happened to. No… It had, sort of, happened to everyone the vampire had touched and it had happened to Tara – who’d been touched the most. It was just… language could keep up with their experiences. If they could still talk – and most of them couldn’t.
Tara knew some of the story if she didn’t know the name. But she didn’t say anything as Willow spoke – she just allowed Willow to carry on as she linked their arms together and started to lead her back towards town. Not following the girl – just heading the same way. It was way too late to catch the kid. Tara didn’t know the whole story – she only knew Willow’s part of it.
“She was insane,” Willow said. “Not like I – like
she - was disturbed… I mean Drusilla was flat out crazy. She was in her own private world and I think it was a world which only mirrored ours. Like… If she saw a tree then it was her tree. She got to name it and they’d talk to her. But us… We’d just see the tree and the life which ran through it.”
She looked at her lover and she could see that Tara didn’t think that this was necessarily such a bad thing. “The trouble was… is… that when she did come into our world she would… she was really, really strong baby. I mean… supernaturally strong. Stronger, faster than any vampire I heard of aside from the Master. She doesn’t look it, but she is. Every vampire, maybe even the Master, was afraid of making Drusilla angry – and it didn’t necessarily take much. She’s unpredictable too which is what makes it worse. Childlike, so they said. The only good thing might be that she had no real focus… Her mind was always wandering which was why the Master said he’d not wanted her to stay with him.”
Willow was really working off the things which the vampire had heard and hence she still remembered. She’d not been around Drusilla for too long after she’d been turned. She’d always belonged to the Master – never to Drusilla. But she’d heard those things… When the vampire Willow had revealed her own personality to the Master’s court many of them had thought she’d been
touched by the affliction of her sire. When she’d shown how vicious she could be… and how she liked to play with her food… Well, they’d compared her to Drusilla once again.
Tales were told and the vampire she’d been – wanting to be praised and flattered, to win approval – had lapped it up like a river of blood flowing down a freshly bitten neck. Played up to it a little but without losing the fear of her siress. Perhaps it was a desire for parental approval in some ways?
Vampires loved to play games of one-upmanship when they were together. Saying they’d been at famous historical events – even though most had only been turned a few years before. They got so carried away with their immortality they forgot every other vampire was immortal too. But there was very little hyperbole about Drusilla as far as she could tell. Even the Master had been impressed by her. That was why he’d chosen Drusilla to fulfil the part of the prophecy which required the creation of the vampire called Willow. He’d actually sent for her from out of town.
He’d had Drusilla murder her. Called her to Sunnydale to do the deed.
And to bring the vampire ‘her’ back in place of the ‘real her.’ Just to fulfil some lousy prophecy that hadn’t been what he expected it to be anyway.
The only thing she had to thank the Master for was – by coming back – she’d got to be with Tara. It had been a complex road to bring them to the point fate had required them to be – happy and together as they were now – but it had started there. If Tara had never met her… known her in any way at all then why would she have taken such a chance with the law firm to have her brought back?
She wouldn’t have had a reason.
Maybe they’d have met – fate said so – but was there a way this could really have been different? As terrible as their pasts had been… they had brought them here. To be together.
“We’ve dealt with strong vampires before sweetie,” Tara reminded her, but she didn’t sound very convinced by her own words. She must have known that for Willow to worry, without even having any proof that Drusilla was here in town, then there had to be something truly dangerous about her.
“She’s not
just strong, or unpredictable. She’s… She’s like the Master… She has some powers too. So they say anyway. Mental control and I even heard,” Willow said in more of a hushed voice, “that she might have second sight. I heard she was able to see the future, or dreams and things.”
It wasn't magic but it could be very dangerous.
Tara paused, clearly thinking about what Willow had said. “We know about the mental control thing – we saw that in the Master – and we know the way around it. We found a way round when we
killed him, baby. All we have to do is want something more than to serve him and I
always want you more than anything in the world,” Tara promised her with a peck on the cheek.
Willow appreciated the kiss, she knew Tara was right about the Master but…
Tara continued to try to calm her fears. “And there are rumours of other powers. But… foreseeing things. I never heard of that in vampires. It seems too close to… well, to magic. To things that vampires can’t usually access.” Tara considered that for a few moments more. “But has she
really got that? I mean, she didn’t foresee her boyfriend getting crisped by you,” she pointed out trying to sound hopeful. “She might not even be here… he might have been alone but she still should have foreseen it.”
“Maybe,” Willow conceded. “But…” Thinking the best of things like this wasn't how they’d managed to survive this long.
“You think she might come after us? For killing him?” Tara wondered.
Willow thought about that. “If she even notices… or cares. She doesn’t operate on the same wavelengths as other vampires – or humans. Or even anywhere in between. One moment, if she knew, she’d be raging about us… the next she’d be off playing with toys and dolls. And after that – she’d be playing with some poor person she’d caught - before she killed them.”
And then a horrible thought came to mind. The vampire Willow had shared something else with her sire. “She likes to torture… as she plays – so they said.” And the most horrible thing was…
No.
That wasn’t going to happen. Neither of them would let it.
“We have to just be careful,” Tara told her. “We’re still protected in the dorm room. And if we’re out at night then we’re on the hunt anyway sweetie. We’re ready for them. We’ll be okay,” she promised Willow, rubbing her hand. “We’re okay.”
“I know,” Willow said. And she knew Tara was right about the chances of Drusilla being able to do anything to them – together they could do anything. “I just wish that I knew what her reaction will be, when she finds out.” Willow had no idea, apart from the rumours she remembered, what the vampire might do. Drusilla had been with Spike for generations…
She didn’t want to do it, it was painful to look in those parts of her memories, but one more… She tried to imagine what the vampire that she’d been herself would have done if anything had happened to Tara… her kitten.
“Let’s get back,” she said – perhaps a little too hurriedly to give any reassurance to Tara. Wherever they were was better than being here when Drusilla found out about Spike. One way or another she wanted some time to pass before they met her.
If she came at all.
Tara put her arm around her and Willow, as always, felt a little better for Tara’s comforting. There would always be Tara – no matter what the past tried to throw at her, the future was always Tara – the two of them together.
Maybe one day more than just two.
*******************
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If I want a little pussy, I got my own to play with.
Chance in
Chance.------------------------
OH I have to tell you my thrill and enjoyment at reading that part with the big dark deep secret. I knew it had to be something mundane cause you are a tease, well no, not you so much, other people I might know maybe. Anyway, imagine my thrill when I saw it was about debs and Tiffany. Now, I am a Tiffany girl and I am not ashamed 
… that’s scary.
. That's also the downside to him recognizing Willow, he might live longer 
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