Yes, finally, a new part. It's a miracle! Well, not quite...
Hope some of you are still reading this thing.
-BB
Title: Into the Woods - Part 11 (aka There Once Was A Man Named Earl...)
Author: blameburner
Feedback: Sure… Always a plus
Summary: While the men are away, the ladies will play. Anya, Buffy, Willow and Tara head into the woods for a little female bonding. Hijinks and wackiness are sure to follow.
Spoiler Warning: None - it's AU, I guess. It's set in the present - but no big bads, no S6 nastiness. Anya and Xander are together, Giles never left, Buffy never died, Dawn still exists, Spike helps out the Scoobies cuz he gets paid, and Willow and Tara never broke up since Willow was never addicted to magic. Pretty much think "Everyone's happy, together, and their usual amusing selves."
Disclaimer: Not my characters, but oh how I wish they were! Joss, blah blah, ME, blah blah.
Rating: NC-17, just to be safe, cuz... well... if you read my other story, you know why.
Pairings: W/T… duh. Also B and A. But not B/A cuz, well, Buffy and Anya? That would just be scary - they'd kill each other!
Angst: Huh? What angst?
Part 11
"You know, that sign would really be more effective in the other window," Anya commented to no one in particular as she, Buffy, Tara, and Willow entered Earl's Edible Emporium. "I mean, hello? Product placement? You cannot have a sign that says 'two for one special on night crawlers' in one window and then have all the night crawlers on a table in the other window! That's just... just... bad business!"
"Tell me again why we decided to take the anal-retentive shopkeeper to a shop that's not hers?" Willow whispered in her lover's ear.
Tara simply giggled and shook her head.
"Ooo, gummy worms!" Anya cried excitedly, grabbing Buffy's hand and yanking her into the candy aisle. Buffy shot Tara and Willow a look of sheer panic, but the Wiccans were too busy in the magazine section to notice. Buffy just sighed and allowed herself to be kidnapped by the ex-demon.
"See, this is what really pisses me off," Willow said grumpily. "Completely chauvinist."
Tara suppressed her grin. She couldn't even count the number of times they had had this discussion. Or rather, the number of times Willow had complained about this and Tara had just nodded grimly, putting on her best outraged feminist face - there definitely was no "discussion" to be had.
"Yes, terrible," Tara agreed solemnly, while inside she was completely cracking up. Willow's outrage at the dominance of male targeted porn in magazine racks was legendary.
"It's a conspiracy! I mean, what? Like they think women don't want to look at naked men just as much as men want to look at naked women? The lack of selection for women is disgraceful. Women have needs! Women have urges! Women want nekkidness!"
In all the times they had had this "discussion," Tara had never pointed out the obvious flaw in Willow's outraged ranting on the subject. She decided it was finally time to show Willow the error of her ways.
"Yes, well... um, honey? Are you saying that you, um, want to look at, err, naked men?"
The look of utter and total shock in Willow's face was priceless. Tara thought it was sort of a deer caught in headlights look meets waking up in Las Vegas and finding out you got married the night before. How Tara managed to keep from laughing, she had no clue.
"What!?!" Willow squeaked. "No. No! Oh no, baby, no naked men for me, no siree Bob! Nuh-uh, nope. Gay now, remember? Happily, totally, completely gay now. I only have eyes for boobs. Lots and lots of boobs. All boobs, all the time."
Tara raised her eyebrow, which only made the redhead backpedal further.
"Oh, no! I didn't mean... I mean, I only have eyes for YOUR boobs, baby! No other boobs! Just yours!"
Tara started laughing then, letting Willow off the hook. The hacker finally realized Tara had been teasing her, and she swatted the blonde's rear playfully.
"Evil. You are simply evil, woman," Willow grinned.
"Yes, yes I am," Tara agreed, still snickering. "It's just so cute the way you get all upset over something you're not even interested in anymore."
Willow sighed. "I know. I mean in one way it's all of the good for us, you know? Male dominance equals lots of selection for lesbian-kind. Kinda sorta, cuz it's of course all aimed at men, and they're such perves..." Willow shook her head, stopping another rant before it started. "But it just bugs me how women are always thought of as such non-sexual creatures. Like we aren't even sexual beings. Like we don't have wants or desires of our own, you know?"
"Oh, honey, I don't think anyone could ever accuse you of not having desires," Tara said, her voice dropping a notch. Willow blushed.
"Yeah, well..." Willow said, "I can't help myself. You bring it out in me."
"Oh, so you're saying your animal lust is my fault?" Tara said in mock defense.
Willow grinned, "Yep. Absolutely. One look at you and I'm all big with the wanting. Heck, I don't even have to look at you. I just smell your perfume, or hear your voice, or even just think of you, and I go all caveman-like."
Tara looked confused, and Willow explained, "Non-verbal, baby. Which, you know, is saying a lot considering how very verbal I am all the time. No, I just think of you and I'm reduced to mono-syllabic phrases and grunting. 'Grunt, grunt. Must. Have. Tara. Grunt, grunt.'"
"Ah, I see," Tara said, the thought of primal-Willow sending a slow burning through her veins. "So you're saying you want to drag me back to your cave and have your way with me?"
"Hell, yes," Willow growled. "And I would, too, if it weren't for the Terrible Timing Twins over there," she said, nodding her head in the direction of Buffy and Anya.
Tara stepped closer to Willow, sliding her hands around her lover's waist and settling them dangerously low on her back. "You know," she whispered, "I'm sure this place has a bathroom."
Willow felt herself blush as she got lost in Tara's eyes, which were full of intent.
"You ladies need any help over there?" a gruff voice tinged with a Southern drawl carried across the store, startling the witches.
"Uh... no?" Willow called back uncertainly, taking in the man behind the counter for the first time.
He was an older man, burly looking, with longish gray hair and an even longer, unkempt beard. He was wearing overalls and a flannel shirt, with a worn blue cap on his head that said "Earl's Edible Emporium." He continued to stare at Willow and Tara, making them both rather uncomfortable. Finally he nodded, apparently in response to Willow's answer to his question, and looked back towards the tiny black and white television that sat on a corner of the counter.
"Is it just me, or does this guy scream 'Deliverance'?" Willow whispered to Tara.
Tara nodded, never taking her eyes off the man, even as flashes of that movie - which Xander had made them all watch one night - streamed through her head. "I think we should just get what we need and get out of here."
Willow took Tara's hand and went off in search of marshmallows.
"Excuse me, sir, but do you realize your product placement is all wrong?" Anya asked the man as she rushed up to the counter. "You had the canned meat with the chewy candy with a hard shell! Everyone knows that while Spam and Skittles might end up next to each other in some vain attempt at alphabetically pleasing organization, the smart businessman does not put Spam next to Skittles! I mean... ewww!" she shouted, holding up the can of meat and bag of candy in her hands, shaking them in the man's face.
Willow and Tara stopped their search for the marshmallows and waited for the man to growl or yell or beat on his chest or something at Anya's outburst. To their amazement, he just stood there, a slow, lazy smile creeping across his face.
"Well, ma'am, I suppose meat in a can might not seem on the surface to have anything to do with candy," the man said, "but my mama always said sometimes you have to kiss the pig before you kiss your husband."
Anya looked at the man impatiently, waiting for an explanation that actually made sense.
"What I mean to say, ma'am, is..." He pointed to the Spam and said, "dinner." Then he pointed to the Skittles and said, "desert." Then the man crossed his arms across his chest and waited.
Anya blinked once, and then again. She looked at the items in each of her hands, and then looked back at the man. Then she smiled and started bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.
"Oh my God! That's... that's... that's brilliant! You, sir, are a brilliant businessman! I applaud your insight!" Anya yelled excitedly and then ran over to search out more of the man's brilliant product placement.
Buffy walked up to the man at the counter, completely mystified. "Wow. I haven't seen Anya that excited since an entire Boy Scout Troop bought up all the newt eyes she had in stock - including the ones in the storeroom."
The man looked at her, totally confused. "Halloween shop," Buffy covered quickly. The man seemed to accept this explanation, and Buffy asked him the question that was burning in her mind.
"You handled that very well but, um... what does 'sometimes you have to kiss the pig before you kiss your husband' mean? I mean, I thought my analogies were odd, but yours... well, I just don't get it at all," Buffy said.
The man grinned. Buffy noticed that all the man's teeth were intact and very, very white. This surprised her.
"Well, when you kiss a pig, suddenly you look at kissing your husband in a whole new light," the man said simply.
"Um, okay," Buffy said, still not getting it.
"Ooo, I know, I know!" Willow said excitedly, raising her hand.
The man looked her way and nodded, silently giving her permission to address Buffy's confusion. Willow cleared her throat and said, "It's all about perspective. If the wife had kept an open mind, she wouldn't have had to kiss the pig to see what was right in front of her - that kissing her husband wasn't so bad. Right?"
"So... if Anya hadn't seen the wisdom of putting the Spam next to the Skittles, she would have had to kiss a pig?" Buffy asked, more confused than ever.
Willow and the man shared a knowing look, and laughed. Buffy looked to Tara for help, who offered her a reassuring smile to the Slayer. In truth, the analogy didn't make any more sense to Tara than it did to Buffy. Still, it appeared Willow and the man had bonded over it, so...
"Um, sir?" Tara asked the man, having decided the man wasn't nearly as scary as they had first thought. "Where are your marshmallows?"
Third aisle from the back, down on the left, ma'am," the man said.
"Buffy! Come admire the brilliance of this man's floor plan!" Anya called from the back of the store. Buffy rolled her eyes, but walked over to Anya anyway.
"So, sir-"
"The name's Earl, ma'am," Earl said, interrupting.
Willow smiled. "Earl. I have to tell you, Earl, that I am duly impressed with the way you handled our friend over there. Handling Anya is not for the feint of heart. Belieeeeve me."
Earl laughed lightly. "She's just enthusiastic, ma'am. It's good to see that kind of enthusiasm in young people."
"Enthusiasm," Willow said. "Well, that's one word for it. I prefer to call it-"
"Sweetie, I found the marshmallows. And the chocolate and graham crackers," Tara said, cutting Willow off before the redhead could say about Anya that the blonde would have to deal with later. With Anya. In their tent. Alone. With neither Buffy nor Willow around for moral support. And without earplugs.
Earl eyed Willow and Tara for a moment. "So, you two are
together, are you?" Earl asked.
The two girls shifted uncomfortably for a moment, and then Willow took Tara's hand and jutted out her chin defiantly. "Yes."
Earl grinned. "That's good. Be proud of who you are," he said. "I know I am," he added with a wink.
Willow and Tara's jaws both dropped, practically with an audible thud.
"Careful, you'll catch flies if you keep your mouths open like that," Earl teased.
"You mean... you... um... really?" Willow sputtered.
Earl nodded. "Yep. You know, there's a reason I tend to repeat my mama's sayings about husbands. I speak from personal experience."
Earl pulled a photo from his wallet and showed it to Willow and Tara. The picture showed Earl and another man, slightly younger and clean shaven, sitting close together on a porch swing, holding hands.
"His name's Ray," Earl said, pride and love evident in his voice and in his eyes.
Tara looked up from the picture and asked, "How long have you two been together?"
"Twenty-four wonderful years," Earl said happily. Willow handed him the picture and he put it back into his wallet.
"Wow," Willow said. "That's... that's great." Tara nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, well, we think so," Earl said. "That's another bit of advice mama gave me. 'Maps can be wrong, compasses fail, but the heart never lies - so follow it wherever it leads.'"
"That's beautiful," Willow said quietly, looking over at the love of her life. Tara stared back into the eyes of her love, silently speaking the words that by now had become unnecessary but were still spoken daily, with reverence and absolute honesty.
"Yes, it is," Earl said knowingly as he watched the young lovers watch each other.
**********************
"So do we need anything else?" Anya asked Buffy.
"No, I think you've pretty much covered it," Buffy said.
"But... but..."
"Anya!" Buffy said exasperatedly. "Look at all the stuff you've got in your arms."
Anya looked down at the overflowing load in her arms. Bug spray, aluminum foil, soda, cheese doodles, plastic drinking straws, microwave popcorn, and yes, Spam and Skittles.
"I told you, this man is a genius! I'm helpless to resist," Anya said with a shrug, nearly loosing the cheese doodles in the process.
"Okay, fine, but... microwave popcorn? Anya, there's no microwave in the woods," Buffy said logically.
"Yes, but we can open the packet, pour the contents into our frying pan, cover it, and then we'll have popcorn!" Anya said, just as logically. Well, logically to her, anyway.
Buffy just shook her head and groaned. She couldn't argue with Anya anymore. It was exhausting. Buffy found herself wishing she was back in Sunnydale fighting demons. She needed a vacation from her vacation.
They made their way up to the counter and Anya dumped the contents in her arms onto the worn Formica. Willow and Tara scrambled out of the way. The blonde clutched a medium sized paper bag to her chest.
"What's in the bag, Tara?" Buffy asked.
"W-what? N-n-nothing!" Tara stuttered nervously.
Buffy raised an eyebrow suspiciously.
"There's nothing in the bag," Willow said quickly, stepping between her girlfriend and the Slayer. "Just the stuff for S'mores, that's all."
"Uh-huh," Buffy said, still unconvinced.
"So! Anya! What'cha buying?" Willow asked brightly, changing the subject.
"That'll be $14.35, ma'am," Earl told Anya.
"That's so reasonable! Isn't that reasonable?" she asked her friends, expecting their enthusiastic agreement. She turned back to Earl. "You, sir, are a giant among businessmen!"
Earl smiled his thanks and gave Anya her change and her bag.
"Now you ladies have a lovely evening, you hear?" Earl said pleasantly, giving Willow and Tara a sly wink that went unnoticed on Buffy and Anya. Willow and Tara grinned and waved goodbye as the four exited the store.
**************************
TBC with Part 12 - the first of a mini-trilogy (aka A New Hopey McHope Hope)
"And remember... if you hurt her I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer's nobody's friend. Have fun!"
by orion » Sat Aug 24, 2002 5:04 pm 
Earl was a sweetie and Anya going on about product placement was just so funny. It's great to see this story back Blameburner and I'm looking forward to the next part. 
BB is back with a truly awesome update. It was so funny. I was laughing so hard when Willow and Tara were talking about porn that my ribs started hurting. 
WOLFLORD 
She goes in the store complaining and comes out sayin the owner is a genius! Too funny! Spam next to the skittles! 
