As Time Goes By

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hey, Foo I think your feedback is just great! I really appreciate your checking out "GS&A" as well as this story. I'm glad you enjoy it so much; it's certainly fantastic, as a writer, to have such great exchanges with a group of superlative Kittens!

Thanks again.

Update to follow.
Mary

[AntigoneUnbound]

AS TIME GOES BY

Part 14

Pairings: Willow and Tara; Dawn and Janice; Xander and Giles; Buffy and Anya; Faith and Cordelia. That's right folks: it's all gay, all day here on WLEZ.

Distribution: Knock yerself out; just lemme know, OK? Thanks. (Oh, and remember to use only recyclable containers for distributing all fan fiction.)

Disclaimer: I own you. Yeah, that's right--you! These characters, however, I do not.

*****

Willow felt...

Oh God...what did she feel?

Sick? Disoriented? Embarrassed?

It didn't happen. It didn't happen. It didn't happen.

For a few moments, that was all she could think of, cradled in Tara's arms and breathing in the clear, rich scent that was Tara's alone.

Tara wasn't kissing Faith. She's not leaving me. It was that...thing... Tara's not leaving me. Throughout, Tara was silent, stroking her back and gently kissing her hair.

Finally she felt calm enough to pull back and look at Tara, whose pale face was drawn with the vestiges of absolute terror.

"Tara, Baby...I'm so sorry--" she began.

"No. No apologies." Tara's hands trembled against her cheeks. "None. Something took you and played on your worst fears."

"Fear, singular." Willow's voice sounded tiny in her own ears. "My worst fear: that I would lose you."

"Willow, is it gone? I mean, do you still believe that..." She trailed off, eyes darkening painfully.

Willow gave what she knew only the most generous of judges would call a laugh. "You mean, do I still believe that you were kissing Faith in our kitchen? Really not."

"Are you sure? Because sweetie, if this thing is still working on you, I wanna know. If there's any part of you that believes something's going on between Faith and me, please tell me so I can--"

"No. I promise, no." Willow shook her head disbelievingly. "But Tara, it was so real. I mean, I saw you--" She took a shuddering breath, feeling nauseous at the memory of something that she knew now had never happened.

"But you know it was a hallucination, right?" Tara asked, biting her lip with worry.

"I know." Willow sighed, and then looked at Tara grimly. "But Baby, I was feeling insecure before that. From the moment Faith got here, I felt funny."

"Yes, but you two have a history--"

"Right," Willow went on, determined share the scary parts. "A history that would suggest a certain level of caution. But Tara, I went drove past the town of Caution about twenty-four hours ago, and it only got worse the more Faith proved herself. I was upset that she didn't jump on Dawn's big revelation; I mean, she couldn't have been much more convincing. And I was upset. Here we have some proof that someone really powerful is on our side, and I'm furious. "

Tara just looked at her helplessly for a few minutes, then asked, "When did it get really bad? I mean, was there a particular point when it felt like--I don't know--you were crossing into some other territory?"

Willow pondered for a moment, then said slowly, "I don't really know. I mean, I didn't really let myself be honest with myself about what Faith did, coming through with Dawn, or maybe I'd have a better sense of it. I was upset on our walk home, and then of course I made things ever-so-much better by basically negating Dawn's existence." She felt a stab of remorse, remembering the teenager's face. "I woke up this morning feeling all irritable; I know I was impatient with Kyra. Like, I got upset when she wanted to play with her Slayer doll instead of read." She was embarrassed to admit it, but Tara had a right to know. "And I was so tired..." She looked up suddenly. "Tara, I definitely noticed that. I mean, I usually have energy to spare--as you've often told me at one in the morning--but last night, and today...God, it was like I was dead on my feet. Oh, and the headaches! I had one last night, but I thought it was just tension. This afternoon it was throbbing. When I woke up tonight, it had eased up a little bit but as soon as I heard you and Faith in the kitchen..." Here she stopped, flushing with pain and embarrassment.

Tara kissed her gently, reassuringly. "It's OK, Willow. If we switched places, and I saw you kissing someone else...Oh Sweetie, you'd be talking me off the ledge right now."

Willow gave a tiny smile. "Yeah...It pretty much made the Hellmouth and vampires and the giant lizard ripping out of the major's head all seem like drawings in a Highlights magazine." She stopped suddenly, remembering. "But Tara, there wasn't any talking. I mean, I heard you, but there was absolutely no way that anything you said could have made a difference. When I was on the steps, Baby, my head was pounding and my vision seemed all wonky and I couldn't breathe, and after I saw...after I saw what I didn't see...for a moment, I just died. But then I got totally calm. By the time I was up here, with the door locked, I was on automatic pilot. I mean, I was thinking, but what I was thinking was that this was the right thing to do. It was the only thing to do. Faith was better than me; she wanted you and she took you; you were supposed to be with her. You were gonna offer her the whole forgiveness thing that Dawn was talking about. And I remembered Kyra reaching for her and that just seemed like one more piece of evidence that I was supposed to...to just go. My time was over; I was being replaced."

She said all of this in a remarkably calm voice, but tears were winding down Tara's face. "Willow...I don't know that I've hated anything before, but I hate this thing. To make you think that; to make you believe that I should raise our daughter with someone else..." She shook her head helplessly.

As she'd spoken, though, Willow had felt her strength returning. It was as if she were finally shaking off the remnants of a horrible dream, and it felt good to have some perspective on what had happened. Yes, she was insecure about some parts of her life, but there was also some other force that had pushed her to the level she'd reached. Now it was out in the open, and it was becoming--at least, for the most part--a puzzle to be solved. She stood up abruptly. "Tara, we need to tell the others. We need to tell them what happened."

Tara hesitated, then said, "Willow, sweetie, I don't know if you remember, but after Faith--after she got you in here, I told her to go down and tell the others. I thought we had to tell them something, but I didn't want them coming up here and--"

"Baby, it's alright. I mean, I'm pretty much mortified beyond belief, but now we have some pretty important information. This can help."

Tara looked up at her, tears hanging unshed against her lashes. "But the price...The price was so high. Almost more than we could pay."

Willow smiled at her gently. She felt suddenly galvanized. Dodging a bullet will do that for a person... "I know...But it didn't happen. Yeah, it was one of my closer calls and definitely my most miserable one, but I made it. And we need to tell the others about it."

Still Tara hesitated. "Willow...What do you want to tell them about what...provoked you?"

OK, that's a buzz-kill...

"Oh...you mean, thinking that Faith was out to steal my partner and that I would have sworn I saw you kissing in the kitchen?" she asked weakly.

Tara nodded apologetically. "I mean, I'm no more excited than you are to give the details, but I'm not sure how we go half-way with this." She looked at Willow searchingly.

Willow sat back down. Her headlong flight back to mental health had been tackled behind the line of scrimmage, but even as she groaned inwardly, thinking about the discussion about to follow, she knew there was no other way.

"Tara, I think we gotta be honest. I mean, it's not like there's an actual infidelity we need to discuss--this is all about our fears. This is about me telling my closest friends that I feel really insecure about Faith and that I guess I always have and apparently I'm not as together as I want them to think because I just hallucinated a scene of utter betrayal and humiliation, to the point that I tied a bathrobe sash and a belt together and stepped off a balcony." She needed no mirror to tell her that her smile was a hollow one. "Piece of cake."

Her attempt at humor, though, ended as she watched Tara bend over slowly and put her face in her hands.

"Tara...Hey, Baby, it's OK. It didn't happen, alright? I mean, that's what I kept telling myself a few minutes ago."

Tara nodded silently, then took Willow's hand. "You're right. We need to talk to the others. I'll...I'll follow your lead. And remember: no matter how...exposed you may feel down there, it's nothing compared to what almost happened. OK? That nightmare is over, and we beat it. We didn't lose you."

Willow leaned forward and kissed Tara--to offer her strength; to draw strength from her. Then she stood and headed for the door.

She paused with her hand on the knob and looked back at Tara. "Faith's really in love with Buffy?"

Tara gave a tired laugh. "I don't think she knew how obvious she was being...I think she's only just now starting to get it herself."

Willow shook her head. "Knowing Faith, I'd expect her to just walk up to Buffy and plant one on her."

But Tara just smiled. "Maybe she would it it were just about lust. Not this. Faith may take on demons without batting an eye, but love--love scares her death."

*****

Descending the stairs, Willow was reminded of the wonderful scene from "Benny and Joon," where Mary Stuart Masterson comes down to breakfast one morning and knows from Johnny Depp's expression that her brother has told him about her schizophrenia. She gives a brittle smile and asks, "Having a Boo Radley moment, are we?"

The eyes that looked up at her were a mosaic of fear, guilt, confusion, and uncertainty.

"Well," she said brightly, "what's new with you guys?" When no one laughed, she gave a small sigh and continued down the steps. She had expected a barrage of questions, but apparently Faith had put the fear of...well, Faith in them, because no one started in.

That, plus they probably have no idea what to say. I know I wouldn't.

After a moment, Buffy came up to her. She gazed at her wordlessly for a moment, and then grabbed Willow tightly and pulled her close. "This thing is toast," she whispered fiercely into her ear. She gave one final squeeze, and then stepped back.

Willow drew a deep breath. "So...So you know I tried to kill myself?" I can't believe I'm saying these words...

Giles stepped toward her, his face drawn and anxious. "And we're assuming--well, we're hoping, I suppose, that you were under the influence of whatever has been preying on the others."

Willow gave him a tiny smile. "It's true. This was definitely mystical in nature." She could almost feel the collective relief in the room.

They'd rather deal with a hell god than actual, profound depression. The first one's easier to vanquish. And too, she realized, each of them would blame themselves even more if it turned out that Willow had been battling something that horrific and they'd never noticed.

"But guys, don't fool yourselves," she continued. "This thing doesn't put an ad in the paper. It figures out what your weak spot is and it nails it...Crawls inside and takes over and you don't even realize what's happening until it's too late."

"What do you mean?" Dawn asked, her brow furrowed.

I thought you might ask that... She drew a deep breath and looked at Tara, who was standing beside her holding her hand. Her beloved gave her a gentle smile, her eyes steady, and soft with love.

"I...I, uh..." Just say it. "I was feeling uncomfortable with Faith from the moment she arrived. I was suspicious, and angry, and even though I didn't realize it at the time--I was threatened." She made herself look at Faith, who gazed back steadily, her expression unreadable.

"Listen, Willow, I know you've been through a lot with Faith," Dawn began.

"It wasn't about that; at least, it wasn't just about that. I told myself that's what it was, but by earlier today I should have known it was more. Faith was proving herself, which should have been a relief to me. And instead it just made me resentful. I couldn't figure it out. Then this afternoon, I was just whipped; like, wiped out way beyond ordinary fatigue. When I woke up, I felt all disoriented, and the headache that I'd had earler? It had eased up a little but then it started in again almost right away. Anyway, for some reason I decided to sneak down the stairs. Why wouldn't I just come bopping down and say hi? Why the cloak and dagger? Then I hear Tara and Faith talking in the kitchen, and I start feeling really weird...It was like I couldn't breathe, and I couldn't speak, and I couldn't move."

Looking at the others, she could tell they were beginning to pick up the exact nature of the vulnerability she'd spoken of. Buffy asked, in a strange, tight voice, "What were they talking about?"

Willow hesitated, not daring to look at Faith. She hadn't thought about this part. The others might wonder why Faith was talking to Tara about being gay. Faith herself would probably not enjoy getting into the specifics.

"Just general stuff," she finally said. "You know--life on the Hellmouth; some of the big bads we've faced." She felt the reassuring squeeze of Tara's hand in hers. "The thing is, I felt completely threatened. When I could finally move, I walked into the kitchen and..." Here comes the big finale... "I saw Faith kissing Tara."

She raised a hand to forestall the howling. "Only, it didn't really happen. It absolutely didn't happen. But I saw it. And I headed back upstairs and by the time I'd reached my room I was totally calm."

Looking around, she could see what a delicate situation they were in. With anyone else, people might well wonder if there actually had been something going on. But one of the things that they all knew, they all believed without a moment's questioning, was that Tara loved her and would quite simply never do that. It was, she realized, a function of their unique lives that they could more easily envision a demon or some other malevolent force causing her to hallucinate than they could Tara being unfaithful.

She glanced at Faith, who looked so profoundly uncomfortable that Willow actually felt sorry for her. She drew a deep breath and finished. "So I came upstairs, locked the door, made a rope, tied it around the base of the railing and then my neck, climbed over the railing, and jumped."

Buffy, she realized, had clenched her fists, even as her eyes glittered with unshed tears. Dawn looked horrostruck. Giles muttered an almost inaudible "My God." And Faith just looked at the floor.

"Faith and Tara were yelling, trying to come in but nothing they said registered to me. Finally Faith broke the door down; she reached me just as I jumped. She grabbed me by the wrist, and hauled me back up over the railing." Here she stopped, and turned to look squarely at Faith. "She saved my life, you guys. She was quick enough to get to me, and strong enough to hold on." She took a hesitant step toward the Dark Slayer, and reached out a tentative hand. "Thank you," she whispered. "And I'm sorry."

Faith stared back at her for a moment before taking her hand and giving it a casual shake. "Yeah, well, we won't be doing any hugs will we? 'cause I need some prep time if we will."

This time Willow could actually let herself smile at Faith's nonchalance and bravado. They were her protection as surely as brains and babbling were hers.

She heard Tara coming up behind her, resting her hand on her back even as she said, "She's right, Faith-if you hadn't been here, we'd have lost her."

"Or maybe nothing would have happened in the first place," Faith said with a small shrug that didn't quite convey the indifference she was trying to effect.

"I don't believe that," Willow replied promptly. "I think if it hadn't been you, it would have been something else; some other insecurity of mine. You were just a handy tool."

"I'm a tool?" Faith asked, indignation radiating off of her. "OK, now I'm really pissed."

There was a long silence before Giles murmured, "Willow, I don't know what to say. I--I'm so sorry you went through this."

"Me too," she replied matter-of-factly. "But the good thing is, now we know something about it. We have at least a little idea of how it works."

Giles looked at her, nodding slowly. "You're right," he mused thoughtfully. "Of course, I wouldn't have had you go through this for anything, but the fact does remain that you are, at least to our knowledge, the only person who has survived this."

"I know," Willow nodded. "Maybe we can start figuring this thing out, now that we know something about it."

"I agree," Giles said. "If you're up to it, Willow, perhaps we could discuss what seem to be the essential elements...?

"Definitely. I'm all about the essential elements." She gave him a grin, glad to start in on the puzzle and move away from the disturbing "One of us almost killed herself" talk.

"Yes, but first, if I may..." So saying, he stepped over to hear and placed his hands on her shoulders. "I can't imagine how any of us would have gone on had we lost you," he murmured, and then hugged her gently.

"Thank you," she managed to whisper around the lump that had risen in her throat. Guess we're not quite done with that "almost killed myself" talk.

Stepping back, she was suddenly engulfed in a fierce embrace that barreled in from her left. "I should have known," Dawn said, her voice thick with self-recrimination. Willow hugged her back for a moment, then turned to the others.

"No," she said emphatically. "First of all, no 'I should've seen it's.' You guys did notice something was off, and you asked me about it. But this thing started picking up steam earlier today, and then the exhaustion hit. I didn't enter State 4 Loopiness until I woke up."

She gave the others a recap of what she had just told Tara.

"And you say you felt disoriented?" Giles asked slowly.

"At the end. I mean, I figured it was just post-nap syndrome; you know, your clock's all wrong?" The others nodded. "But then I found myself heading toward the door and down the stairs--even though I had fully intended to throw some water on my face and brush my teeth."

"So even though Faith and Tara weren't talking about anything funky, you--you saw something?" Buffy was glancing from Willow to Faith. Willow suspected that had it been anyone else but Tara, her best friend would have fully believed there had been kissage. As it was, she knew that Buffy believed her.

"Right." Although there had been some funky talk. Faith had been asking how Tara knew she was gay and if Tara were right--and her girlfriend was the most astute observer of the emotional world that Willow had ever known--then the object of her affections had been not Tara but Buffy herself.

"So we know this thing can tweak at least one of your senses," Dawn picked up the thread. "It starts out messing with your thoughts, but at least with you, Willow, it actually affected your physical perception."

"Oh, yeah," Willow nodded, still bruised by the image. "And guys, once it gets you, you're gone. I mean, the entire episode after I woke up lasted maybe ten minutes. By the time I got to my room I was beyond any kind of discussion. It's not like I was in this avalanche of despair; I just knew to my bones that this was the right thing to do. It wasn't just about thinking I had lost Tara--I mean, I assumed I had. And I didn't want to live in that world. But it's like I also completely believed that Faith was supposed to take my place. I just needed to get out of the way. I was perfectly calm by the time I got to our room."

A heavy silence draped over the room; none of them seemed to trust their own voice. Finally Tara spoke. "You guys, we were feeling all comfortable and secure because we assumed that if we love the person and we're around them all the time, it won't get us. Well goddess knows I love Willow, and it got her."

Buffy turned to her, her face desperate. "So what do we do? I mean, everybody gets headaches sometimes; everybody gets tired." She looked from one person to the next, helplessness and rage radiating from her eyes. "I need something to fight."

Willow looked at her best friend. "I think the first order of business is for each of us to sit down and do some serious thinking about what our biggest fears are. I mean, it's pretty obvious that I have a few issues around being replaced; not being exciting enough." She felt Tara hand resting protectively on her back. "If we can't each be honest about what scares us most--and I'm not talking big bads, here; I'm talking about those mean, nasty voices way deep inside--then we're screwed. Because I'm here to tell you --it knows. And it doesn't play fair."

Faith, who had remained almost totally silent for this conversation, now spoke up forcefully. "What are you talking about? Being in touch with our feelings? Man, I hate that crap."

It was a testimony to the tone of the evening that no one made a sarcastic remark about this. "Well, I don't think group therapy is in order," Willow replied, "but if you don't know your own stuff, that same stuff will bring you down in a big hurry."

Faith greeted this news with more silence. What's going on in that head of yours?

They spoke for a few more moments, and then decided to disband for the night. "I'll tell Xander tomorrow," Willow said, dreading the conversation. "He and Anya need to know about this."

As Giles and Faith walked toward the door, Faith pulled Willow back just a bit behind the Watcher. "Glad you're OK, Red," she said simply. "We need you. And Tara--I don't even wanna think about it." Then she was gone.

Several minutes later, after another hug from both Buffy and Dawn, Willow stood facing Tara in their bedroom.

The last time I walked through that door, I meant to kill myself.

Tara came over to stand in front of her, taking her hands. Her eyes looked darker than Willow had ever seen them.

"Baby?" she asked, her fatigue giving way to anxiety again.

"We need to talk about this."

*****

To Be Continued

[Patches]

Well, since the game of 'Dibs' belongs to someone else...I'll just snatch the yellow jersey as my reward for burning the mid-night oil. Oh, the games we play...and play...and...oh nevermind, you know where this is going. Back later with real FB.

Cheers!!
Patches.

Good morning, or some approximation thereof, good Scribe. My goodness that was an interesting update: the beginning “Willow felt.” With all the complexities and intricacies of the English language, there’s such power in simplicity. Great mix of emotions and plot here. The opening sequence with Tara and Willow gave a glimpse into the nature of the Big Bad’s manipulation. Said it before, and I’ll say it again: bone-chilling. So, the BB operates by finding an emotional weakness and exploiting it, but in such a cruel way. The vic. doesn’t end it all in a pool of despair; he/she does it as the ‘right thing to do.’ Rather like a grenade landing in a foxhole and being the closest to it—you ‘take one’ for the team because it is the right thing to do. (Okay, maybe the analogy is a little off, but that’s sure the sentiment: To sacrifice one’s life to allow others to continue to good fight.) Nice conflict here, the ultimate wrong becomes the ultimate expression of do-goodness. Makes sense really. Convince the victim that they’re doing the right thing and that person’s inner ‘moral code’ or whatever you want to call it, doesn’t kick in to attempt to override the inconsistent/antithetical imperative, thus achieving the desired negative outcome through positive reinforcement. Mary, you do like to muck about with people’s psyche, don’t you? LOL

Just to add a bit of reply to your response regarding the emotional nature of your writing. The suicide plot line was established a while ago, and yet the last chapter was the first one that gave me the heebie-jeebies, and that’s because you tightened the focus to the actual act; it went far beyond ‘someone’ or ‘these people’ killed themselves. You made it quite personal with the POV narrative. Yes, that we’re quite fond of this character adds an element of emotional attachment, but as I’ve often said, your characters may be from the Buffyverse, but they are uniquely yours. They feel like your creations, which allow us (or at least me) to risk investing in them. You give us many ‘ya, I know that feeling’ moments, though I seriously hope not too many of your readers understand *that* particular sentiment. I believe this one of the keys to the kind/type of FB you get. Personally, though I know most of canon and BtVS is great fun to watch, I like to think of your stories outside that realm. Besides, if I don’t think this way then I question my own sanity…like WTF am I doing analysing BtVS fan fic—even ones as exceptionally well written as yours are (LOL). I love how you drop profound little earth-shaking observations into your text: “She could almost feel the collective relief in the room. They'd rather deal with a hell god than actual, profound depression. The first one's easier to vanquish.” Odd, isn’t it, how we’re able to accept a diagnosis of a potentially debilitating physical condition to explain an array of symptoms, but mention the words ‘emotional’ or ‘psychiatric’ and we screech out of the doc’s office and run screaming into the night. Can you spell ‘shame??’ Kinda crazy, isn’t it. Okay, back to the update…

You’ve also written the awkward tension between Willow and Tara well. There were times it felt like a sea-saw battle between them, as they tried to comfort each other, and make sense of what happened. There is, of course, the reality of Willow’s action and the deeper question of what the BB glommed on to. Everything done so wonderfully and still with your trademark injection of humour: “OK, that's a buzz-kill...” And with the gang, the tension was palpable. You just gotta admire Faith’s ability to command a room, even when she’s out of scene. Adding her does give a great new dynamic to the story, doesn’t it? I guess this episode with Willow kinda quashes the early notions that Kyra is there to protect her and Tara. So, I’m wondering why our mystically super-charged bundle of cuteness didn’t pick up on Willow’s spiral – or maybe she did, and that’s why she was playing out Slayage 101 with her doll. And finally…Mary, you’re positively evil! But what a way to bring the Chapter full circle.

So…is Faith next on the BB’s list, or is it Buffy? I’m having a bit of fun, now that you’ve disclosed the BB’s MO; what oh what is each character’s inner demon? Faith’s is love (or so Tara hints and makes sense to me); Dawn’s is her very existence; Buffy needs something physical fight, or she’s helpless—hello to the desperate, helpless, rage; Tara ‘doesn’t belong’; Xander gets in the way; Anya may be a little more complex, though I suspect it’s the entire question of her humanity vs demonic heritage, and what about dear Giles…humm, perhaps that he is more ‘Ripper’ than Giles and really has no morality, and thus can do the greatest good by… (Alas, poor Ben. I knew him, Queen Mary of ST).

Okay, that’s way more than my fifty-cents worth. Thanks bunches for stoking the fires on the emotional roller-coaster. I sense the ‘worst’ is yet to come…I’m just wondering which one it’s gonna be. G’night from the land of insomnia, looking forward to more.

Cheers (again!!)
Patches

[Katez0r]

So, the last couple updates have really been hard for me because, I have, in fact, lost the one person that meant everything. I'm absolutely floored by your command of language, but it's your grasp of emotions and the depth and feeling with which you convey them that leaves me speechless every time.

[justin]

I'd fallen behind a bit, but I'm all caught up now.

The last few updates have been very good. I noticed from your replies to feedback that you were worried about offending people but I don't think there's any need to be. Suicide is always a very sensitive subject to write about but I think that you handled it in a very mature fashion.

That being said the parts were very intense. Mainly because you made it very easy to empathise with Willow and to experience exactly what she was feeling. That was good because it made it easy to understand why Willow would choose such a drastic and permanent solution to what she'd seen (rather than just tearing up Tara's clothes and writing "I hate you" on the walls)

Even though it was a trying experience Willow was quick to realise they now had more information than they had before. And as they say, information is ammunition.

"I need something to fight."

That seems to be the big problem. If this was just a demon that burst in shouting, "I crush you. Crush you to goo." then it'd be easy to beat but it's just a non-corporeal presence that gets into your head and makes you kill yourself. They can't kick it's arse, since it doesn't have an arse to kick.

Also how can they protect each other? What happened to Willow shows that just keeping an eye on each other isn't enough. Twenty four hour a day suicide watch would seem to be the answer, but that's hardly practicle. Willow's idea of working out how the entity is going to attack them seems to be a good start, but will it be enough?

Will Kyra somehow be tied into this? She seems to be there to protect them so will she somehow be able to protect them from the entity? She wasn't able to protect Willow, so does she have to be close by, or was it because she knew that Faith would save Willow? (Of course it could just be that she was asleep, or that she has nothing to do with any of this)

I'm definitely looking forward to reading more of this story.

[daiailun]

Wow, what a goldmine for character development; so many rich veins to mine, where next to begin??? (And I say that with great trepidation, not glib eagerness.) Mary, this is such wonderful stuff and in your capable hands it really does become like gold. It’s like you’ve taken that gold and spun it into the finest thread and woven for us such rich tapestries that one can read your stories over and over and over again, and each time find something so new its freshness just leaves one aghast. I love, just love, how you’ve created ‘home’ for this group of outsiders through themes of friendship, family, love and care. I had tears in my eyes when I read Willow’s ‘confession’ to the Scoobies about what Faith represented to her, and when she ask for Faith’s forgiveness.

But knowing the big bad preys on deepest fears, doubts and insecurities, will that force all of the Scoobies to just spill out their deepest fears to everyone as a prophylactic? I mean, sometimes I think it’s OK not to lay ourselves bare. Brutal honesty is not always the best policy. What about discretion and discernment?

The difficulty with leaving feedback when left on the knife-edge (leave it to Tara to not let another second go by before talking with her beloved), is that my mind’s a riot of speculation. So I’m gonna go out on a limb by wondering whether Tara actually may have been—somewhere in the deepest recesses within her—actually slightly attracted to Willow’s antithesis. The only reason I say this is that you have mentioned in your feedback that it’s hard to write Tara, to present her with the more gritty side of our humanity. Maybe this gives you a chance. Just because one has a soulmate, a person who’s more precious than the air one breathes, doesn’t mean one will never feel attractions toward anyone else, ever, in one’s lifetime. It’s what you do with the attraction that matters. The subtleties of attractions, I think, often go both ways. If I like being around someone, chances are the feeling’s mutual. Could Faith’s parting words to Tara, “And Tara—I don’t even wanna think about it” have been a warning to Tara, much like she warned Dawn, to just keep secret whatever it was that is meant to be kept a secret? Faith is desperate to just keep clean and keep focused.

Having written all that, I’m actually going to kinda negate myself by saying itty-bitty niggles of finding someone ‘interesting’ (even thought you know you would never act upon said attractions), probably isn’t something this big bad would prey upon. It’s going for the jugular, not a single capillary. So, actually, Tara confessing to finding Faith just a little bit, well, interesting… I think this classifies as one of those things that doesn’t need to be laid bare. Brutal honesty wouldn’t exactly be the best policy…. because Tara knows with absolutely certainty, any little niggle means nothing next to Willow. Thankfully, it might appear that Faith thinks this, too.

One thing I found interesting ( and I doubt if this means anything), is that what caused Willow to flip was her hallucination that Tara “groaned with the urgency of that kiss.” That’s when “Willow died”. When sharing with Tara after Willow’s suicide attempt, Willow acknowledged Tara’s willingness within that hallucination: "You mean, do I still believe that you were kissing Faith in our kitchen? Really not." But when recounting to Buffy, et all, she said, “’….I walked into the kitchen and...I saw Faith kissing Tara.’" Willow didn’t mention that within her hallucination Tara kissed Faith back and that’s what made her absolutely convinced that Faith should take her (Willow’s) place. Okay, okay, enough with the Faith/Tara/Willow loop. In all reality, as a plot devise, you’ve probably shelved it ages ago.

Other things I liked: “…but apparently Faith had put the fear of...well, Faith in them…”. That made me smile cause I can just see Faith cutting to the quick with a few short words that would make anyone just, well, back off and wait. I also found Buffy’s desperate response, “I need something to fight” profoundly moving.

I do wonder, where was Kyra in all this commotion of splintering doors and sobbing mothers? Either that girl’s found the REM Rosetta Stone, or….well, I don’t know what, but something!

As always, many, many, many thanks for this gift of this wonderful story.

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-

I'm not going to say that was a happy bunny read, but my goodness it was wonderfully wrought. I'm not going to quote because it would be a huge response and the total is even better than the moments, and what moments they were. Willow protecting Faith's confidences to Tara, Giles hugging Willow, Buffy's worrying comments about 'everyone' getting headaches and being tired, all of these have levels of meaning and they fit onto the Scoobies you've created.

I find myself concerned about this horrid menace you've created and the decision to wait to let Xander and Anya know. I want to read the words Tara will speak with her mate. I wonder about Kyra and just what those vague words might mean. Why isn't there a 'Dummy's Guide To Prophecies, Signs and Portents' in the Buffyverse?


BTW, if you're my owner I want a new cage with improved basking areas, a saltwater pool with a natural treatment, T1 access, a full gym and not one of those silly wheels, and in return I promise to be fickle and even more demanding in the future.


Jixer

[Puff]

Mary I would write you some amazingly long feedback if I didn't feel like crap on a stick. Basically last week I got flu (the real one not the bad cold - temp of 103 for 5 days - the whole sheebang) and today I got diagnosed with pnuemonia. Which wasn't a hard diagnosis to make as I can't breathe without coughing. Suffice too say that your updates are the highlights in my days of crap right now. Thank you for them.

I'll write more when I am not drugged out of my tiny mind.

[AntigoneUnbound]

Kittens--Now with 25% more chocolately goodness!

OK, so before I start the individual feedback, I have to share my BRUSH WITH GREATNESS: I'm coming out of the coffee shop in my little ol' town in central PA, and I see a guy with 2 dogs. My attention is drawn first to the dogs--very cute. Then I look up at him for just a cursory glance and smile--AND IT'S TARA'S FATHER!! I kid you not: Steve Rankin, who played Mr. Maclay in "Family," is smiling at me just as big as life. I pause for a moment, and then ask, "Excuse me, but are you an actor?" And he smiles and says yes, and I tell him I've seen him in many things but that I most remember him as Tara's father in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. He's pleased (or so I infer) to be remembered, and asks my name. We chat for a few minutes, and I commend him on his job on the show. "You were very forbidding," I tell him, kissing ass so loudly and proudly that Kittens 'round the globe probably heard the sucking. Oh, I asked if the actor who played his son was in fact his son, b/c they have the same last name, but no. Anyway, he's in town producing a show he wrote about the songcatcher, and I'm gonna try to go and see it. A woman comes out of the shop--maybe his wife or girlfriend, but certainly in the show as the main character. We chat for a few more minutes--he remembers my name and introduces me. He has beautiful blue eyes, by the way, and a wonderful smile that of course you don't see on the show. He's currently in "Over There," on FX, and says he has a great role.

So the whole time we're talking, I'm remembering how I wrote "him" in "Gods Served and Abandoned" because his was the face I saw--that great downward slash of his mouth, the tightness around his eyes. And I'm thinking, "I spent several months picturing you and writing a whole backdrop for a character you played, and here you are." It was very, very surreal.

Anyway, he was very nice. Steve Rankin, kids--a disapproving, controlling man on TV; a remarkably engaging and smiling actor out on our tiny streets.

So...on to feedback. A lot of folks are wondering how the individual fears will come into play and I confess that's part of what drew me to this idea. There's also concern about how people will protect themselves, now that it's clear that being with those who know you isn't sufficient protection. And what's Tara gonna talk to Willow about? Let's find out, shall we? In, say, the next update?

Patches So Wise; Brings Tears to My Eyes: Ah, so much of what you wrote had me nodding and saying, "Yep. That's right." So eloquent, your feedback is. (And talking like Yoda, I seem to be.) As always, you catch the character aspects so well. You're exactly right when you say, "Rather like a grenade landing in a foxhole and being the closest to it—you ‘take one’ for the team because it is the right thing to do." Willow was devastated, and then dead calm--because it was simply what she had to do. Would the force have such power with someone not so inclined to do "the right thing"?

God, your words about the characters really touch me--not inappropriately mind you, and why did I have to make a joke there? Fact is, it means everything to me that these are people you care about, because if you don't, why waste your time reading? So thank you for those kind words.

You know, writing that first part of the update was tricky because both of them were horrified. Willow needs to talk about what happened, but that's excruciating for Tara. Tara needs to talk about what it was like for her, but Willow wants to keep reminding her that it didn't happen. (And b/w you and me and anyone else who reads this, Patches, that last line means something.) Both of them, of course, feel so connected and responsible to the other that they're both struggling with what they did and what they missed.

LOVED your ruminations on the potential fears--it's an astute reader you are, good Patches. I'll be curious to see what you think of how this progresses.

Thank you so much, m'dear. Whenever I see your name on the thread, I smile, knowing that I'm about to read things that make me think.

Kate: Hey sweetie--I sent you a private e-mail, but I'll say here that I really appreciate your kind words. I think that technical grasp and intuitive feel are supposed to inform each other, not exist separately, and I'm glad that seems to be working here. Thank you for taking the time to follow this and let me know. Take care.

Justin: First of all, thanks for the reassurance. The respectful writing part is just imperative.

You're right--it was extremely important to use Willow's POV. She's my narrator, and she needed to give us a glimpse of how this thing works. And how can they protect each other? That's going to be a huge concern for them now.

Many Kittens are wondering how Kyra fits in with this. I hope you like how that turns out.

Thanks for the good thoughts, Justin!

Daiailun: I like to think that many people look at what I'm about to do with trepidation. Wait, that doesn't sound right...

You make an excellent point: "Brutal honesty is not always the best policy. What about discretion and discernment?" This can't be about everyone getting together and blurting out their darkest secrets; thus Willow's observation about group therapy is delivered with irony but is also true.

And oh, my my my...Kudos to you, Daiailun, for broaching the subject of Tara's possible attraction to Faith. I love how you describe this--it would be a tiny little tweak, and certainly not something she would ever act on: not by kissing, not by talking to Faith about it. I absolutely agree that being soulmates doesn't preclude two people from occasionally being attracted to someone else. I think very few couples, no matter how happily committed, would say that they never feel even a passing twinge or curiosity. Is that what's happening here? We'll find out, but I love that you speculate about it. You're right, too, that what sent Willow over the edge was her conviction that Tara was aching for that kiss. She felt threatened, sure, but when she believed that Tara wanted what Faith wanted, that was it. You know, I toyed with how to write that--whether to have Faith kissing Tara, and that was it, or to add a line about Tara's response.

And hey, if Faith told me not to do something, I wouldn't do it either. She definitely made this a "no arguing with me" kinda deal.

Thanks for the thoughtful feedback and the very, very kind words, Daiailun. You always bring a smile to my eyes.

Jixer: First of all, the new cage is in and I just have to outfit it with the little touches you require. As always, I expect nothing in return and would be happy with the occasional disdainful sniff.

I love that you noticed Willow's protectiveness of Faith. It's a testimony to her quick thinking as well as her compassion that in the midst of all this she could see that even mentioning the topic in passing would have some uncomfortable implications for Faith.

Hope you like where this goes, Jixer. Thanks for following this so well and always taking the time to leave feedback. Now, I have to get over and catch up on Where Angels Fear to Prowl. I was gone this weekend and have some good reading to do.

Puff-Tissues: Oh, sweetie--that sounds miserable! Augh...And in the summer, too. I hope you feel better soon. Stay in bed and read trashy novels, OK? Like, "War and Peace." (Those sluts...) Sending hugs from the Keystone State.

OK--more later.
Mary

[GayNow]

Mary,

Yet again you've pulled me into your story and have me all caught up in the Scoobie-world. What a wonderful fic!

Again, you've remained true to the characters. (I won't reiterate here what I said in the GS&A thread...cuz I'd be repeating myself.) I do love the developments each of the main players has made since the end of GS&A. Dawn has matured quite nicely -- her banter with Buffy is delightful. And the way she dives headlong into the varied situations they all face is refreshing -- it seems she's proven herself as a competent member of the team, rather than a whiny liability. Buffy, too, has matured. While she still treats Dawn as "the little sister" of the bunch, she doesn't disrespect her by considering Dawn a burden or nuisance. I really like their relationship. It's how I imagine a relationship between sisters should be. Nicely done.

Xander and Anya are still on the back burner; they aren't heavily featured. However, when they are there, they make an impact. You're allowing us to see even more of Anya's humanity, which is a joy. And who knew Xander could be so dead on with his puzzle solving skills? Well, actually, I did. I've always thought he was incredibly underused. They dumbed him down far too much. Joss and ME made sure to point out that he was the member of the group who "sees", yet they never made the leap to allow Xander to use his brain to process what he sees.

I like the way you rewrote canon events regarding Willow and Tara. The way you've handled Willow's "addiction" is so much more realistic. Her reasons behind building up her power are much more believable than "I wanna be an uberwitch." And Tara's actions -- spending one night at a friend's house to avoid saying something she'd regret -- seem much truer to who Tara is. She would pull herself away from the situation for a brief period, to collect herself and let her emotions calm down, rather than pack up and leave. Great stuff.

Now for our mystery guests -- Kyra and Faith. It will be interesting to learn the purpose and fate of little Kyra. I'm not going to speculate or throw out any theories...I simply have too many rattling around in my brain. I shall wait patiently to see where you take us. However, I do have to say this: She's quite adorable! And, it's clear that she has a distinct connection to Willow and Tara...and the rest of the Scoobies.

Oh, and then there's Faith (and why am I suddenly having 70s flashbacks with Bea Arthur and Adrienne Barbeau? Did I just date myself?). I'd like to join the "We Love Faith Fan Club" -- do I get to learn the secret handshake? I've always found Faith to be an incredibly complex person. I attribute that to Eliza Dushku -- not Joss and ME. I think she was written in a very two-dimensional way, but Eliza gave Faith depth. You have built on what Eliza brought to the character and made Faith truly 578 -dimensional. I can hear her saying the things she says, and I can see her doing the thing she does. Really really nice, Mary.

I love love LOVE the way you blend elements of the story. While Kyra, the suicides, and Faith all seem relatively independent of each other, you have a knack for bringing them all to the same place. I have no doubt that Kyra is going to be a major player in this suicide thing. And we already know that Faith is in the mix. Now, the connection between Kyra and Faith is going to be fascinating. I can't wait for you to explore that further. Yes, truly fascinating.

I had a feeling that Willow was going to be the Scoobie who got hit by the suicide thingy-ma-jig. She just seems to be the "easiest" target. While she has certainly grown into a much more confident human being over the years, she's still Willow. Her feelings about using magic attest to her inner turmoil regarding her abilities. Her reason for getting so into the magic is testament to her fears -- I think, when it comes right down to it, Willow is afraid of being alone. At her core, she's become so reliant on having all of the Scoobies -- even Anya and especially Tara -- near her at all times. The prospect of losing them is just too overwhelming. So, yeah, if I were looking to zone in on someone's worst fear, I'd pick Willow. And then, I'd pick the worst case scenario. And that's what happened, isn't it? She fears Tara choosing to leave her more than she fears something fatal happening to Tara (not that something happening to Tara would be a relief, don't misunderstand me).

Willow was also being far too rigid about Faith. Yes, they have a history and it's not a good one. But I have never seen Willow as the last hold out. Buffy, yes...Willow, no. So her vehement refusal to give Faith even the slightest break had me suspicious right from the beginning. But yay for Faith being there. We know Tara wouldn't have been able to pull Willow back over that balcony.

So now that I've used my entire lunchbreak to write this feedback (thank gawd for the T1 line at work), I will end it with "Thank you." Such a wonderful wonderful world you've created. Again you seamlessly mix high angst with high humor. Many many moments, I must say. Beautiful, Mary. Just beautiful. I can't wait for the next update.

Carleen

[Safuega]

Hi-ya Mary:

Nice exposition and post traumatic event update. I am going to go on record and say that I'm kind of glad that this thing that is attacking them is going to force them to confront their fears and to be honest with themselves. No, it does not have to be group therapy, but it can start with there being some honest communication. I mean, for a group as tight as the Scoobies, it seems incomprehensible that there should be so many silences and/or secrets amongst them.

I also disagree with Buffy's assessment that she can't fight this thing. I don't necessarily think that she can't fight this, but rather that she does not want to fight this. For once she is not fighting some external evil thing, but she is forced to face her inner demons. It is understandable that she should be afraid because baring one's soul to examine oneself and one's own life is not fun at all. Yet, it is the healthy thing to do if the Scoobies are to grow up and move on. I think that so far the monsters have been quite the handy external distractions and crutch that has kept all the Scoobies from dealing with their own internal turmoil. Well, leave it to you Mary, to strip all that away and give us a big bad that is going to force them all to grow up by facing their fears. I can't think of more capable hands than yours to take care of these characters and to see them through this most unusual trial.

Great update, Mary. I continue to like your Faith and surprisingly I am totally invested in seeing how you develop her. You have given Faith quite the presence in this update despite the fact that she is mostly in the periphery of the action. Well done.

Thanks for sharing. I look forward to more.

Safuega

[Willow~Rosenberg]

Hi. First, that is wild that you ran into the actor who plays Tara's father. Ihad a surreal weekend myself, as I went to my first Buffy convention and met Tony Head and quite a few other people as well. I can see how surreal that would be, writing a whole back story for his character and then actually meeting the actor. Now, onwards to the actual feedback/comments/thoughts.

The post-suicide attempt scenes with Tara and part of the Scoobies was intense- very well-written. I can only imagine how Xander and Anya will react to this news. I think it will also be difficult for Anya because she always tries not to offend people, yet she often does. Xander would be need comfort, and she wouldn't really know how to react. She and Willow usually don't get along, but they are still family. Xander probably will be drowning in self-recrimination because he has know Willow the longest. He always feels helpless as he isn't a Slayer, Key, witch, or anything else mystical in nature.

Really interesting comment and revelation by Faith. "We need you. And Tara- I don't even want to think about it." Faith, probably for the first time since she is realixing how she feels for Buffy, thinks about how it would feel to lose someone you loved. Granted, Faith did lose her watcher to Kakistos, but this wouldn't be the same. It makes me wonder what Faith would have thought and done had Buffy died trying to save Dawn at the end od GS&A. Faith now sees how much Tara and Willow mean to each other, regardless of how mean she was to Tara when she was Buffy. She can only hope for that kind of connection with Buffy. If she had to see the devastation for Tara upon Willow's suicide, I don't think Faith would ever get the courage to pursue anything with Buffy. She probably would think it wasn't worth the pain.

Also, Willow's statement about knowing what's going on in their own minds, their own fears, may prove difficult for some of the Scoobies.

Faith feels as though she's not good with emotional matters. She is just beginning to get an insight on her feelings for Buffy, thus emotional turmoil. She wouldn't know what her worst fear would be. Would Buffy dying be her worst fear? Buffy dying without her telling her how she feels? Or would it be Buffy rejecting her? Faith also has so much to atone for that she probably feels grossly inadequate and shadowed by Buffy's righteousness. She always point that out "Better than thou, Buffy." Add that onto Faith's abandonment issues (which parallel Willow's), and she could eassily be a target.

Dawn potentially has issues with her affections for people who are unattainable (first Tara, who is with Willow; and now Faith, who loves Buffy). She recently has gone through the torment that being the Key involves. She also head to deal with the unexpected death of her mother. This attempt on Willow's life has got to be hitting her hard.

Willow and Tara need to talk about where they stand. In GS&A, a lot of Tara's fears were realized and dicussed. Willow never really discussed her issues. She needs to discuss this with Tara, although Willow's insecurities are probably going to be extremely painful for Tara to hear. Those insecurities imply a lack of trust in her, even though she wouldn't be unfaithful to Willow.

I am anticipating a very emotional talk between Willow and Tara, something both of them really need. Once again, I am astounded with the depth of emotion portrayed in this story.

[meretricious]

mary, first of all big thank you for coming back from your weekend away and still managing to post sunday night, made this insomniac's night much brighter. and cool on meeting tara's dad, wouldn't suprise me if he gets recognized more for that role than any other. when you say show about the songcatcher, do you mean the same one as from the movie of that name? you'll have to tell us about the show after you see it, sounds worthy.
struck by willow's refrain of "it didn't happen", at first i thought she was having denial about her suicide attempt. reminded me of a line , i think from a spider robinson book, where something awful happens and the charcter "prays the oldest prayer known to mankind; make it never happened". nice to see that willow switching from victim to research mode, but important that they don't just sweep willow's fear under the rug now. would be too easy to blame it on the force (as you call it, makes me want to whip out a light sabre) and not deal with willow's fear as much as they need to.
i was a little suprised to see that they didn't call xander and anya to come on over for willow's reveal, glad they weren't there, though. when dawn started to interrupt willow, i was like "shuddup dawn" and i can't see anya not interrupting, or xander making it about himself in an "i should've known" kinda way. still think that x/a should really get a phone call that night instead of in the morning, don't think this group would forgive themselves if xander succumbed to the force in the interim.
i liked all the care willow took with faith, even though willow realizes she's been unfair to faith thus far, would be easy to still hang on to some of her legitimate resentments. you hit all of the notes perfectly as willow told her account to the gang, from their horror, to the relief, and all of the notes in between. especially liked the faith moments, ironic that at this moment she's more accepted by the group than ever, and yet feels more uncomfortable than ever. and "i'm a tool?" really made me lol.
part of me t hinks that maybe willow wasn't really in danger, as close a call as it was, or that kyra would've "activated" (for lack of a better word) or something. maybe that's wishful thinking on my part.
don't think i've commented on your disclaimers before, but they always make me chuckle. WLEZ, and you own your readers, huh? well, i'm ok with that. btw have you thought about having a mod restore your post count? seems funny to see you as a newbie ~ mary

[vix84]

There are so many things to say about this update and I'm not sure that my feedback can do it justice in any way. I'll try, though.

First of all, Willow coming down the stairs to face the Scoobies is sad but hilarious at the same time. It's exactly how I would picture Willow dealing with such an emotional moment - making it light-hearted and attempting to joke around. You write the characters so well. I think I've said that before but it amazes me every time. Every action and word from each of the characters is unique and distinctly their own, to the point that this plays in my mind rather than being words of a story.

It was very interesting to see how Willow was honest and told them about her fear. What an uncomfortable thing to have to share. I liked that Faith got defensive and angry about the idea of thinking about her biggest fear to conquer it, while we didn't see how the others reacted to this news. I'm intrigued to know each of their fears.

This was the part that most resonated with me:
They'd rather deal with a hell god than actual, profound depression. The first one's easier to vanquish.

and...
It was, she realized, a function of their unique lives that they could more easily envision a demon or some other malevolent force causing her to hallucinate than they could Tara being unfaithful.

The first quote, I think, is true for many people, not just the Scoobies. People today seem less interested in other people's problems than their own. If they are interested, they would rather blame something (be it TV, genetics or a hell god) than work out what caused it. I could get into a whole rant about this topic but I won't.

The other quote is just adorable. Speaks volumes about their frienship and of Tara.

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello, all. As usual, your words make me think and smile. I guess you could say I smile thoughfully when I read your words.

I'll be posting an update tomorrow (Wednesday).

Car: Hey girl--how are you feeling? I read on your thread (from Watson) that you were having computer problems and that you weren't feeling too well. How's it going?

Again, thanks for your incredible feedback on "GS&A." Truly remarkable. Yes, I like this Dawn much better (if I do say so myself), and I enjoy writing her relationship w/ Buffy. I found Dawn occasionally annoying in S-5, but by Season Sux I was ready to toss her under a snowblower. Word has it she improved in S-7; I wouldn't know b/c I didn't watch it.

I do have Xander and Anya on the backburner for now, though in truth I don't see them as major players in this particular story. I've thought about writing something specifically from their POV's, but the idea hasn't really captured me.

Oh, do not even get me going on the character assassination that was the Big Bad of S-6...No way would Tara not recognize that Willow had an addiction; no way would she not stick around to help. I'm not saying she wouldn't set limits, but she wouldn't do it like that. And Willow doing it for the power alone? They made her lazy (i.e., using a spell instead of thinking for herself, when she's always loved solving puzzles), and that's the last word to describe her. (OK, apparently I'm already going.) The upshot: I agree with you completely about how badly they mishandled that story.

Hey, I totally got the "Maude" reference. So consider us both dated; carbon, perhaps. I'm really enjoying writing Faith, more even than I anticipated. She's just such a fantastic catalyst for the others, in addition to being fascinating in and of herself. The Scoobies are a disparate gang to some extent, but Faith feels like a horse of a qualitatively different color. (Speaking of colors, though, it does seem noteworthy that all the horses in SD are blindingly white, with the exception of Kendra [killed], Olivia [MIA)] and the Principal [thrown in during last season.])

I appreciate the thoughts on the multiple stories coalescing. I have them juggling in my head; I'm really trying to bring them together in a well-paced and meaningful way.

Oh, Willow...yeah, she was a prime target, wasn't she? Of course, I also needed it to be her b/c I wanted the readers to "see" it from the inside out, and since she's my narrator, it had to be her.

Thanks for the very supportive words, fellow scribe, and for making me think.

Safuega: Y'know, I think you and I both have a deep value for the emotional adventure. I love your thoughts on the psychological convenience of demons. I thought that Joss and ME initially tried to work those inner demons into the stories, but by the last 2 seasons, it was just so freakin' overwrought that I wanted Mayor Wilkins to come back and snap them up like so much popcorn. It seemed like he had them totally avoid self-awareness for almost 6 years and then go, "Hey--I need to understand myself!"

Faith feels like such a force to me that I can't imagine her being present without being a factor. Everyone's aware of her, whether that awareness is played in a major key or a minor one.

Thanks, Safuega--glad you're enjoying this!

WillowRosenberg: Hey, how'd you like the convention? I'd love to go sometime.

Great thoughts on X/A's reactions. I thought about having them here, but I wanted a "tighter" scene. And extra great thoughts on Faith--she can go in so many directions, can't she? (Not to be confused, of course, with batting for so many teams.) She's getting a first-hand look at two people deeply in love and in a committed, ongoing relationship. She saw Tara's reaction; she now knows that Willow's deepest fear is being inadequate and replaced (in this case, replaced in Tara's life). Will this make her more or less aware of exactly what she feels for Buffy; the full emotional truth of that? What exactly is her greatest fear? And Dawn certainly has her issues--they all do, and we'll get a look at what those are.

And yes, our girls need to talk. You won't be disappointed.

Thanks for following this, WR, and for taking the time to leave such thoughtful, thought-provoking feedback.

Mary, You Specious Prostitute, You... Yeah, it was so bizarre and yet totally enjoyable to see him. The play is called "Singing Down the Moon." I'm hoping to see it, though I'm leaving for the weekend again and things are pretty tight until then.

Hey, I'm always glad to help a fellow insomniac. I couldn't sleep last night, as a matter of fact, and got up to work a little bit on the update. Nothing quite so lonely as 3am, is there?

Oh yeah--that feeling of waking from a horrible dream and needing to remind myself that it was just a dream...It's just visceral, isn't it? So Willow clings to it like a life raft, much as Tara does shortly thereafter when she's telling herself that Willow didn't die. Our girls have been through the wringer lately. Who the hell is doing this to them? Oh, right.

You know, I really struggled with whether to have X/A present. As I told Safuega, I wanted a tighter scene. I did think about having Willow call them later, but to be honest, they're going to be more peripheral in this story--certainly not irrelevant, but they'll serve more as illuminators for the others and the action.

I think Willow's so glad to start feeling like herself again that she's feeling extra generous; plus, she realizes that Tara wasn't quick enough or strong enough to physically save her. You're right--negative feelings don't just go away, but Willow has a strong sense of responsibility to others and she recognizes what Faith did. Even if she still feels a little twitchy, then, she'll still rise to the occasion.

I'm psyched about how Kyra's gonna fit in with all of this; I hope you all like it as well. And good suggestion about the post update. It does feel kinda weird to be a floating rose again...

Thanks for the great thoughts, Mary, and here's hoping you sleep better tonight.

Hey Vix: Ah, you did your feedback all sorts of justice, and I'm loving it. It's great to know that you can "hear" these conversations, b/c getting the dialogue feels really important for this group. And yeah, poor self-conscious Willow heading down the stairs...trying a joke even as she knows the others won't laugh.

Nice pick-up on Faith's unique reaction. No one's gonna be thrilled about it, but she's going to have particular difficulty with it.

I agree with your observations on what scares us most, and how willing (or not) we are to know of other people's greatest struggles. I wonder if part of our fascination with violence is that it gives us a symbolic victory over that which we know to be elusive and insidious. I may not be able to conquer my fear that life is ultimately arbitrary and chaotic, but I sure can kill this here Communist/terrorist/alien real good 'n dead.

Thanks for your very kind words and for taking the time to write them.

G'night all. Sleep tight. And those of you at your jobs at this time--don't sleep tight. That probably wouldn't work out so well. Unless you're a professional sleeper, in which case you have a really great job.

Mary

[GayNow]

Hey girl--how are you feeling? I read on your thread (from Watson) that you were having computer problems and that you weren't feeling too well. How's it going?

Actually, all things considered, I'm feeling better. It's really kind of embarrassing to say, but I got bitten by a spider and that little bite got infected. It wouldn't be so bad, but it's on my elbow. So now the infection has spread. The doctor says I have Cellulitis -- no, my elbow is not all flabby and dimpled. Okay, maybe it is, but not from this infection. Celulitis is actually a deep infection that gets into the tendons around joints and stuff. And, whoo hoo for me, I got it. I'm on antibiotics and motrin -- 6 times a day. It wouldn't be so bad if the loopy effect were a pleasant one. I'm not so lucky. I feel dizzy and woozy and like I'm gonna just fall over unconscious. But it passes...eventually. The good thing is that the swelling has gone down and it's not as discolored (it looked like someone beat the crap out of my elbow with a baseball bat). The bad thing is that I have to carry around a travel pillow with me because I can't rest my elbow on anything...hurts too much and irritates it. And since my job is sitting at a computer all day, I have no choice but to rest my arm on something. Enter handy-dandy pillow.

Anyhoo, that's a really long-winded way of saying, "I'm doing better, thanks." And, with any luck, I will have my computer up and running sometime during the weekend. I need to reformat my hard drive and I'm waiting for the disks to arrive in the mail. Once I have those, I can reformat, reload and get that wireless network back up and running. I hope. Keep your fingers crossed.

Car

[watty]

I love reading your updates, I love reading all the feedback you get. I don't think any writer or story here on Pens have this quality of feedback. Goes to show the quality of the story itself.

I'm a sickly little kitten again, so I'll try to keep mine brief. Many more illustrious people before me have analyzed and given their thoughts to this, I'm not sure if I have much more to add that isn't superfluous.

We're still no closer to who, what and why this evil works. We only have a little on how -- it finds it's victims' fears, multiply them out of proportion in a short period of time and give them hallucinations and giant headaches. From Willow's description, it doesn't seem to me that the evil suggesting suicide, the overwhelming emotions in Willow's head made her come to that conclusion all by herself. If that's how the evil works, by using the victim's own thought process, it's both powerful and difficult to fight.

I'd be interesting to see what fears the other Scoobies come up with. It's one thing having those fears, and another admitting them. Take Faith. Tara said it best

I think she's only just now starting to get it herself ... love--love scares her death.

That's my roundabout way of saying, may be someone like Faith won't be able to find her deepest fears, cos she doesn't know them herself.

Good for Tara and Willow to talk, I want to not to talk about what happened to Willow, I want them to dig deep inside and lay their fears out in the open. It's just that when I tried this exercise myself, I can't come up with anything meaningful! Goes to show how difficult it is to prepare.

Like Buffy's frustration at having nothing corporeal to fight, how can they fight this? How is it possible to stop emotions from forming? Those chemical reactions in their brains work way too quickly and they can't all be around each other all the time.

You've painted a very scary big bad here. Much scarier than hellgods, demons, vampires and the like. The big bad are the very frail emotions that make us human, and how vulnerable they are. I'm more and more impressed, every update I read.
[br]

[JustSkipIt]

Mary,
I’m writing this at work which means that by the time I post it, you will probably have posted the next update and I’ll be behind again. Oh well, I’m ok with that.

I have to say that I’m genuinely excited at the direction of this fic. I feel like delving into these characters’ psyches is a pretty unexplored venue. I mean I’ve read lots of fics where an author has explored one character’s fears and taken those to their logical conclusion for the purpose of the fic but I’m imagining that you are going to explore each in turn. On the other hand, maybe I’m wrong about that. Interestingly enough over in the Beta Pens forum there is a thread on characterization that it seems would fit with this exploration very closely.

So my probably not entirely thorough thoughts on the character’s fears and insecurities (in no particular order):

Dawn – Probably the easiest to come up with. Dawn is a teenager. Their entire developmental definition is about attempting to achieve separation from their parents or authority. More importantly, a huge part of them is that they need to feel “normal.” It’s extremely important for teenagers to feel “normal.” In this case, it’s not going to happen. Not only is she as “not normal” as any teenager, she’s also a former big ball of energy. Add to that mom died of a brain tumor, sister is the slayer, father is in Spain with his secretary, father-figure is a watcher, lives with two lesbian witches and the child they conjured while battling demons. I won’t even get into how non-normal her association with Anya and Faith makes Dawn. I’m guessing some non-normal type insecurities, oh and throw in a bit of questioning her own sexuality for good measure.

Giles – Here I’m going pretty traditional: that he will fail his responsibility as Watcher/Father. That one of his charges will die or go bad (a la Faith). Even though Faith was not his Slayer, I have no doubt that he blamed himself for her actions and her path. I feel like that one is especially easy for the demon or whatever this bad is because it is self-referential. All the demon has to do is send Giles a message that one of them killed themselves. Put in a some “if we could have researched faster, etc. and he’s a goner.”

Anya – Really the only fear she’s ever expressed on the show was about Xander (talk about defining yourself through another). There was the early fear that he would die or be hurt in an apocalypse and the later fear that he wouldn’t marry her. So I’d say it would be pretty basic to get her believing that Xander died/was unfaithful. If I were the demon, I’d go with a Xander/Buffy belief to get Anya really good and because I’d be amused by that.

Faith – Most interesting. I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Faith has truly reformed. In that case her fears would be either that she will backslide (perhaps not intentionally if that’s possible) or that she will be perceived as backsliding by Buffy. Basically that no one will ever think that she’s worth anything. Throw in a few flashbacks to her father or mother calling her worthless, a liar, a slut etc. and you’ve got some major depression there.

Tara – I’d have to go with fear that something will happen to Kyra. It seems that she’s worked through her fears about her heritage and all that and I don’t perceive that she’s worried that Willow is more powerful than her here. So I’d say #1 is fear that something will happen to Kyra and #2 is the same about Willow.

Willow – Check.

Xander – I’d go with fear that he really is the Zeppo. I know that by s7 he’s come to terms with his role in the group; he understands that he saves people (perhaps too much) but maybe there’s still that nagging feeling that says everyone is more powerful than you. You’re just “the boy.”

Buffy – Probably an overriding fear of not having the best shoes and not being the center of everyone’s attention. Ok, that’s pretty unfair to her but I’m not the biggest Buffy fan. I get that she’s the heroine of the show but she’s just so damn self-centered that it’s hard not to shout at the TV screen every time she’s on, in this case the computer screen.

But to give her a break, I’d say her fears would be pretty run-of-the-mill superhero stuff: not being to avert disaster, losing those she loves, killing an innocent. Add to that that when she clues in to Faith’s feelings there’s the whole “oh my God!” about herself. I love the scene in Tempest Fugit S7 where Willow and Buffy return to the new world. Buffy’s terror as she realizes the meaning of her relationship with Faith is so well done. Horror and passion all rolled together.


Ok, I think I included everyone but I’ve probably forgotten someone. I didn’t include Kyra because honestly, I’m just appalled at the thought that the demon, etc. could target her. So I’d rather not believe that or delve into it.

One thing I’m interested in is the method by which the demon/force selects the next victim. Does Willow’s vulnerability make anyone else in the group more likely as a next target or insulate them or have no effect? Is it somewhat like a virus in replication or does the force have a plan? I’m quite interested to see…


I have to admit that I’m less than thrilled with the Fluffy. To tell the truth, I generally can’t stand Fluffy fics. The exception is pretty much TFS7 as I mentioned above and I think that’s because it’s so clear that their actions have really changed the universe. Even in my own School Days, I hated the pairing. Honestly, it was all set up to allow the demon/Buffy is attacking Faith misunderstanding. Otherwise, I would have never investigated it.

You’re asking yourself why? No actually you’re asking yourself, “How long is Debra going to blather on? I have better things to do than read her long-winded response to an update that I posted days ago.” So I’ll tell you why. While I believe that there is plenty of cannon evidence that Faith would be open to sex (definitely) and a relationship (possibly) with a woman, I don’t see a shred of evidence of the same with Buffy. Yes, there’s the sexual tension in s3 but that’s nearly all about Faith and not about Buffy. For Buffy, it’s hero-worship and Slayer-kinship. I’ve read at last count 2 gazillion and 3 fan fics and I can’t tell you how many were B/F. In those, I’ve read very very few that were in the least sympathetic or credible. I don’t get a gay vibe off Buffy. Yes, she’s not very good with men but it seems to me that women who have bad relationships with men who decide to try women just have bad relationships with women.

Ok, do you need to do anything because I don’t like Fluffy? Well, no. I also don’t like Asparagus or Coconut or horror movies or Tori Amos music.

I will ask again, where Kyra has been throughout these few updates? It may be that you said that Anya and Xander are watching her and I’ve just forgotten that. But if that’s so, why are Willow and Tara doing all this stuff without Kyra coming home so they can put her to bed? Is she having a slumber party wherever she is and wouldn’t any rational parent want their child with them at a time like this? If I had access while at work, I’d go back and reread the updates and see where Kyra is but for now, I find myself really wondering.

Anyway, Mary, I don’t think I could say how much how thrilled I am to see you back on the board. Debra (Elvis)

[The Rose24]

JustSkipIt,

I just want to comment on your feelings about a Faith/ Buffy pairing. I have always had a problem with it, which puts me in the minority here(dodges stones). It is not just the Bad girl/Good girl thing(although it is a big part of it). Buffy is about straight as someone can be, and Faith is not the most trustworthy person. I believe she will pretty much sleep with anyone when she gets into the mood( Xander, the evil female lawyer from "Angel").

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello all. My computer's been doing the dance of frequent lock-up tonight, but it's been OK for about an hour now so I'll be posting the update as soon as I reply to some final replies.

Car: OK, for an arachnaphobe like myself, the source of your injury induced great shuddering waves of horror. I'm glad it's getting better. Take care, and I'll look forward to your next update.

Watson: Hey, sorry you're feeling bad. Hope it clears up quickly. You're right--this Big Bad slides in through the window and never creaks a single floorboard as it slithers into your mind. How do you fight that?

You want Willow and Tara talkage? Prepare to be jettisoned into the seventh realm of heaven, m'dear!

Thanks for following this and sending such great feedback even when you're sick. Take good care of yourself.

Debra: Holy well-crafted feedback, Mom-Woman! Loved how you considered each character in turn. I think people have some very interesting ideas about what each person's fears are and how they may render that person vulnerable here. As you well know, I'm all about the psychologies...I should think about that as a career path. Oh wait--I am a psychologist. So here's hoping my ruminations/explorations won't end up looking absolutely whacked.

I won't go into a lot of detail on your thoughts about each character, except to say that there's definitely some hittage on some fronts. I'll be curious to see what you think about how this aspect unnfolds. I will say that I share your frustration with Buffy when she gets all self-absorbed. It's so much more enjoyable to write her than watch her, at least to some extent, b/c here she can be one of several meaningful people. I have to admit, though, that even on the show, I can understand the self-involvement. I mean, that's one helluva gig she's got, and there are about 94,253 different implications of that gig for every realm of her life. But yeah, it got tiring watching her work out her angst. I think I just got so fed up with her in S-6; of course, I got fed up with everybody in that season. (Didn't really see S7.) At least early on, she could take herself w/ a grain of salt; it seemed like she could laugh at herself. By the middle of S6, I was ready to throw her off that tower all over again.

You know, I get the disinclination to see some B/F stuff. You make some very good points re: credibiilty/plausibility. Of course, Faith's feelings guarantee absolutely nothing in the way of Buffy's response to those feelings, if she even learns about them. (Still not terribly clear at this point in the story how much Faith herself gets it.) And I love your point about women who get into relationships w/ women b/c things suck with men; in fact, that's one of the misconceptions that make me craziest. (We're all somehow driven to it b/c we can't make it work with men.) The women who do join the team that way almost invariably end up out riding the bench and they rarely last the season.

I'm glad you explained your feelings so well, and I appreciate your comment that I don't have to do anything based on them. After due consideration, however, I've decided to have Faith kill Tori Amos while she's watching a horror movie and eating coconuts. I wanna do this for you, Debra; please let me.

Oh, thanks for the link. I have a reply coming on PM, but wanted to say thanks out here in the open. And thanks for taking the time to leave such thoughtful feedback. I left some f/b on "School Days," FYI--love it! What a great revelation and resolution. Give Asher a smooch from that whacky woman up in central PA.

Rose: Yeah--you're obviously not alone in your tastes! I'll be curious to see what you think of this particular aspect's evolution.

OK--update to follow. Thanks again, folks.
Mary

[AntigoneUnbound]

AS TIME GOES BY

Part 15

Pairings: Willow and Tara; Dick Cheney and Karl Rove; Antonin Scalia and Clarence Thomas.

Distribution: Avec permission, s'il vous plait

Disclaimer: I own a little story but not the characters therein / If I ever meet Joss Whedon I'll smack him on the chin.

*****

"We need to talk about this." Tara's voice was tired, but steady.

Willow herself certainly felt tired, but a little less steady than she did five minutes ago. "But--but we did talk about it, Tara. I told you about the scary vulnerable stuff, and then I went downstairs and told everybody else about the scary vulnerable stuff and I think that's just about enough of the vulnerable scariness for one night, don't you?"

Tara's eyes were gentle with love and what Willow recognized as amusement at her nonlinear speaking style. But when she spoke, she was firm. "Willow, we need to talk--you and me, in a little greater depth than we did earlier. Sweetie, at that point we were just reassuring each other about what did and didn't happen, and then we needed to tell the others. Which reminds me--I think you need to tell Xander and Anya first thing in the morning. We had a couple days' warning with you, so if it goes after anybody else, I don't think it'll get to them in the next few hours. But I'd rather not risk a longer wait."

"I agree," Willow replied, wondering what Xander and Anya would do with this information. Then her mind snapped back to Tara...Tara wanting to talk about the two of them. "So--what are you thinking about?"

Tara reached over and took her hand, kissing her palm gently. "I'm gonna check on Kyra again, OK? Let's get ready for bed, snuggle in, and get comfortable. Sound like a plan?" Willow nodded--You know this needs to happen. You can do this--and moved into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

A few minutes later Tara joined her. "Sleeping like--well, a baby...which works out pretty well, actually."

Willow looked at her and grinned around a mouthful of toothpaste. "Hey," she fumbled, "maybe it wudn a bad guy adder all." Tara looked at her quizzically. "Maybe I'm wabid." And she began spitting out huge flecks of paste. "Look--I'm foaming at the mouth!"

Tara shrank back, covering her mouth. "God help us! It's the Old Yeller demon--back from Disney to curse us all! Oh my God...No...It's got me!" She lunged forward, bypassing the brush and squirting toothpaste directly into her mouth, then slurping some water from the tap. Within seconds, she and Willow were spitting and frothing--down their shirts, on each other, randomly amongst the linens. They were howling with laughter when Buffy and Dawn burst into the room.

"What's going on? We heard weird noises and--" Buffy stopped so suddenly that Dawn crashed into her from behind. The Summers girls took in the sight before them.

Willow glanced at her partner, and then down her own shirt. "Um...Tara and I think we might be rabid." Dawn giggled behind her sister.

Buffy just stared at then, and then shook her head sadly. "Looks like you two will have to be neutered."

Dawn leaned forward and whispered, "Um, Buffy--that's not what you do with rabid dogs."

"I wasn't talking about the rabies." She looked from Willow to Tara in mock indignation. "I must say, I'm disappointed in you."

"So are we," Tara promptly replied. "Crest-fallen."

Three intelligent women groaned in unison, and then two of them turned to leave. "I told you it wasn't a scary weird noise," Buffy told Dawn accusingly.

"How many weird noises typically come out of their room?" Dawn hissed back, and Willow was grateful that she didn't hear the reply.

They gave the bathroom a cursory cleaning, brushed their teeth with no further sign of rabies, and changed into their bedclothes. Willow started to reach for her bathrobe, and then remembered her sash. Wordlessly she walked to the other side of their bed, picked up the discarded "rope," and disentangled the tie to the robe.

I would have missed it. I would have missed everything... Her life with Tara; raising Kyra; perhaps having other children...Buffy and Dawn and Xander and Giles and even Anya, she would have missed all their lives and joys and pains. For a moment the scope of the horror, so barely averted, made her heart clutch.

"The human mind is not meant to bend around so many things in one night," she said softly, her back to Tara. The room was silent, and then she felt Tara's arms sliding around her waist from behind. A small shudder passed between them--from her to Tara? from Tara to her?--and she turned and traced her finger over Tara's lips. "If Faith hadn't caught me--I would never have kissed you again."

Tara gazed at her for a long moment, and then leaned forward and kissed her--urgently, fiercely...Over and over, catching Willow's lips with her own, until she pulled back with a groan. "I would have died there with you, Willow," she said simply. "I don't care if that sounds melodramatic or cliched--I would have died when you did."

But Willow, for all that her heart ached at the words, shook her head firmly. "No, Baby...No, because of Kyra. Remember? Whether it's the Titanic or some malignant force or cancer...if one of us dies, the other has to stay." She ran her fingers over the beloved face, and finally kissed her mate gently on the cheek. They rested there for a moment, until Willow said, "I think you said something about talking...?"

Tara nodded, and slowly stepped back away from her. She drew a deep breath, and turned and slid under the covers of their bed. Willow walked around to the other side and did likewise.

"Willow, sweetie, I just want to understand it all; how this hit you. And what it means for us, too. And--well, I'm not exactly immune to insecurity myself. I want us to know as much as possible, because there may be a time when we don't have the luxury of a good long talk in bed and I don't want us scrambling to wonder what the other's feeling." She looked at Willow anxiously. "Does that make any sense?"

Willow nodded. "Yeah...Yeah, it does. And I wanna know what scares you most, Baby. I do."

"But...?" Tara asked resting her hand on Willow's.

"But Tara, we're talking about feelings here, and I've felt a lot in my life. I mean, everybody does. People feel, they feel lots of things and I've felt some of them, too; I mean, I've felt my friends lots of times--" She stopped abruptly, taking in Tara's arched eyebrows. "Oh, not--not felt, as in felt up, or anything like that." Oh dear God, what are you trying to say? She took a moment to locate her point and began the arduous task of walking toward it. "Tara, feelings and fears are so nebulous. They change and shift, you know? Like, clearly I have issues here, but I am more confident than I used to be. And things change day by day, too. I think...I think I'm afraid that we're all gonna try to be mind-readers here, and we can't." She knew her own gaze mirrored Tara's moments earlier. "Does that make any sense?"

Tara's smile was gentle. "Yeah, it does...And let me say how glad I am that you don't make a habit of feeling your friends. But it's a good point: you guys are tight. You've been through so much in the way of adventure, but I don't know how much of the non-mystical scary stuff you talk about."

Willow considered this. "You know, Buffy and I used to. I think now we just sort of assume that we know each other."

"And you do," Tara said quickly. "But like you said, fears and insecurities change. Do you still know Buffy's? Does Buffy even know what scares her most?"

"Way back when, it was about being the reason for her parents' divorce. And I think she's always felt sort of alone; you know, being the Slayer. Like maybe she's got one role in her life and we'll get tired and move on because we can."

Tara nodded thoughtfully. "That doesn't suprise me." She squeezed Willow's hand tightly. "Sweetie, I know what you mean. You can't just pin your fears down at one point in time and press the 'Pause' button. They shift, and flow. And no matter how close two people are, no one can always know exactly what the other one's going through."

"Right," Willow said. "And sometimes, you don't know they're trouble spots when they start. Like, sometimes you get a little twitch; you feel a little anxious about something. Do you analyze every single feeling as it hits? Because sometimes they pass--they check into the Psycho-Motor Lodge, order a little take-out, and check out the next day by noon. But sometimes they stay--maybe lurking in the background a little bit. You think they're a minor character, and then suddenly the action seems to be taking place around them."

Tara grinned ruefully. "I know. It would be really nice if our Big Issues, capital 'B,' capital 'I,' announced themselves as such upon arriving."

"Wankers," Willow said resentfully.

"What I do know," Tara said after a moment, "is that Faith hit you really hard. Or maybe I should say, what she represents. Willow, can you talk about it?"

Willow sighed. This is important. It blows, yes...but it's important. "Faith...Faith hit Sunnydale like a tornado--constant movement; so much power. Everything just got caught up in her path and we all ended up landing someplace very, very different from where we started."

"Buffy didn't like her at first, did she?"

"Not really. Ironically enough, Xander and I were just in awe of her. I mean, we knew Buffy was really strong and super-cool, but in this different way, you know? Buffy was all designer fashion and bright colors and Sunnydale mall, and here was Faith: leather, dark hair, and about as far from stultifying suburban conventionality as you can imagine." She looked up to see Tara regarding her curiously. "What?"

"Willow, did you have a crush on Faith?"

Willow bit back the denials that came rushing to her lips, begging for immediate deployment into this danger zone, and made herself consider the question. "I don't know," she finally replied, and knew she did so honestly. "I mean, I certainly didn't think so at the time. I know I envied her...at first because she was so cool, and then because she and Buffy shared this Slayer thing and I felt left out. Like I had been so excited to be invited to Buffy's party but when I got there I realized my gift was some stupid toy while the new girl had what Buffy really wanted."

Tara looked at her steadily, mouth quirking slightly. "OK, you realize that that has about twenty-seven different elements to it, right?"

"Oh, yeah...But Tara, I never thought of what I felt as a crush."

"What about a crush on Buffy? You felt replaced..."

Could anyone else sit here and have a conversation like this and be so centered? "No, I really don't think so. It was jealousy of the 'Hey, that's my best friend' variety."

"I get it." Tara smiled. I know you do, Baby.

"And then she slept with Xander, and I thought I was immune to Harris-related injuries at that point but I went straight to the bathroom and cried." She looked up suddenly. "It's like Faith was everything I wanted to be and she took everyone I wanted to be with."

"But not Oz."

"No, not Oz." Funny how we can talk about him and he's just a bit-player in all of this. "I think Oz found her interesting, but I never picked up any sparkage between them. Of course," she added, almost as an afterthought, "I think if he had been the one to go to her hotel room that night, she would have hit on him. But I don't think he would have responded."

"But her knowing he was with you--that wouldn't have kept her from hitting on him?"

"Kinda doubt it..."

They were quiet for a moment, and then Tara asked, "Willow, did you actually think that Faith was interested in me? I mean, before you started down the steps?"

Ow...and ow. "I don't think I thought about it consciously..." She sighed. "But I do know that I was completely freaked when Kyra reached for her in the Magic Box. I felt very, very protective."

"Well, she's our daughter, Sweetie."

"But not just protective of her, Tara. I felt like my whole family was being threatened. Not physically--and again, this is all in retrospect--but I don't know that I really thought Faith would hurt Kyra at all. There was a part of me that didn't want our daughter to like Faith."

"It felt like a betrayal?" The voice was soft.

"God, I feel so stupid...But when Dawn was going on and on earlier about how we could trust Faith because she'd passed this test, she brought up Kyra reaching out for her. She said that Kyra must be a good judge of character, because she dropped that guy downtown. And instead of considering it, I just...I burned inside, Baby."

Tara nodded slowly. "I have to say, Will--I thought the same thing Dawn did. Especially after Faith didn't try to learn Dawn's secret. I did wonder if Kyra knew something we didn't."

"And I could see you thinking it, Tara. I knew you were thinking about it, and that just made me crazy. Except I didn't realize just what flavor of craziness it was...not until earlier tonight." She looked at Tara anxiously. "You believe me, right? I mean, I wasn't holding out on you, or suspecting you..."

"I know, Willow...I know." Tara reached up and stroked her face gently. "But Sweetie, it seems like it's not just about worrying that Faith had designs on me. I mean, at the risk of sounding flip--so what if she did?"

Willow stared at her. "What do you mean, 'so what if she did'? Tara, if Faith wanted you--"

"What? If Faith wanted me...what? She could get me? It was all over? Willow, it doesn't matter what Faith wanted; all that matters is what I want. I mean, unless she tried some kind of trick or mind control, she could feel whatever she wanted and it wouldn't make any difference." She tilted her head down slightly so that they were gazing directly into each other's eyes. "Willow, I think you were worried that if Faith did want me, you didn't have a chance."

Willow felt herself tearing up. She's right. She remembered what Buffy had told her about Faith's philosophy: Want, take, have. And at some level she had assumed that if Faith wanted Tara, she would take her and have her. She pressed Tara's warm palm into her cheek, and finally gave a small nod.

"I..I guess I thought that if she wanted you, it was all over. She's so strong, and sexy, and confident..."

"Actually, Will, she's not. At least, not where relationships of any sort are concerned."

Willow looked at her in surprise, considering this.

"So you were thinking--" Tara pressed on.

"But I wasn't...Thinking, I mean. You're right, Tara, but this was all taking place behind the scenes. I just thought I was being quote unquote cautious." She sighed, dipping her head. "But in my gut...I guess I assumed that if she turned her eyes on you, I didn't have a chance."

"You thought that it would be mutual, or it would turn mutual." Willow nodded. "Sweetie, when you thought you saw Faith kissing me in the kitchen--was she just planting one on me, or was I responding?" Tara's voice was so soft, but that image would always shake her. It shook her now.

"You--you were definitely into it. She started it, but..."

"But I reciprocated."

Willow nodded miserably. "That's what killed me, Baby. Hearing you--Thinking I heard you...responding to someone else. Responding to Faith."

Tara stroked her hair, then tilted her chin and kissed her gently. "You know it didn't happen, right?"

"I know." Her voice was tiny. "But I can see it--hear it--so clearly." But even if Faith did want her, she couldn't have her. Tara doesn't want that. "You're right, Baby--as long as you don't find her attractive..."

Silence.

OK, this is the part where you're supposed to jump in and emphasize that you definitely don't find Faith attractive.

The silence endured for a moment longer, and then Tara said, "Will, we're supposed to be completely honest here."

Oh no...

"Willow, I do think Faith's an attractive woman." She took Willow's face in her hands. "Sweetie, stay with me. I'm not saying I was attracted to Faith. I didn't fantasize about her; I didn't think about her at all in that way."

"So why do I feel sick to my stomach?" She hadn't thought she had any raw emotion left in her that night, but she was wrong.

"Well, probably because of everything that's happened tonight. Willow, I'm not trying to make it worse--God, just the opposite. But I don't want any secrets between us, and I think you'll actually feel better knowing--"

"Knowing what?" Willow broke in. "Knowing that some version of my worst nightmare is actually true?" She could feel the hysteria creeping into her voice.

"No." Tara's voice brooked no interruption. "I'm telling you the truth so that you can let go of any fear. I'm not going to hide this from you, and I want you to understand that it doesn't have the power to hurt us." She gripped Willow's hands fiercely. "Listen to me, Willow. I'm not attracted to her; I'm saying I do think she's attractive."

Willow's stomach roiled. "And the difference between those two would be...?"

"If I were attracted to her, I'd be thinking about her sexually. Wondering what it would be like to be with her. And I'm not, Willow. I'm absolutely not. Do I think she's an attractive woman? Yes, I do. And so do you."

That brought her up short. "What do you mean?" she asked sharply.

"Willow, look at the words you've used to describe her: powerful, strong, sexy...Those aren't exactly neutral adjectives, you know."

"So you think I'm attracted to her?" She was trying to follow Tara's line of thinking, but her emotions kept cutting in on that line.

"No--at least, I don't think so. But I do think that both of us...register Faith as an attractive woman. And Willow, as long as it doesn't develop into something else, I don't think that's a problem. I mean, don't you notice women?"

Willow forced herself to consider the question--and was forced to acknowledge that she did. Not in the "Come home with me now, vixen" kind of way, no; but she did--what was the word Tara used?--register them. Whether it was someone's face, or athleticism, or just her general bearing, Willow did notice some women in ways that she didn't notice others, or certainly men.

Looking at Tara, she knew that her beloved already knew the answer to her question. "See what I mean? Both of us can find another woman attractive, and not desire her. Does that make sense?"

And finally--it did.

"OK...Climbing onto the clue train now, baggage fully stowed in its overhead compartment." She managed a tiny grin.

Tara laughed outright. "Sweetie, you can keep your baggage right out in full view; that way we know what's in it. Mine too," she added, before leaning over and kissing Willow slowly.

"I guess it just feels weird to think about noticing other women," Willow mused. "And talk about it."

"Yeah, but it's gonna happen. And there will probably be a time for each of us when we are attracted to someone else. I can't imagine it right now, but I plan to spend the rest of my life with you and I think that it happens got pretty much every long-term couple. Making this work--it's not about having absolutely no reaction to anyone else. I think it's about choosing, day after day, to spend that night with each other." She broke off suddenly, as if self-conscious about her speech.

Willow, though, was pondering her words and decided that, like Tara, she couldn't imagine actually being attracted to someone else right now--but over the course of decades, wasn't it bound to happen?

And Faith...Yes, she did find Faith attractive. She didn't crave her; didn't think about being with her...But Faith was a strong, sexy woman who just looked good in leather. And that was OK.

A possibility came to her suddenly. "Tara, I wonder if part of what tweaked me, way down in the basement of my unconscious--which apparently makes very few journeys upstairs--wasn't just that worrying that Faith was attracted to you and possibly you to her. Maybe I was upset that she wasn't attracted to me." She shook her head as she thought about it. "I mean, what am I--chopped pate?"

Tara grinned at her. "Witness one of the great singularities of lesbian love. When we think someone's trying to horn in on our partners, we also get jealous that she's not trying to horn in on us."

Willow, feeling about seventeen pounds lighter than she had for the last ten minutes, relaxed into Tara's arms as they nestled back against the bedstead.

"Everything running smoothly in the incredible engine that is your mind?" Tara asked after a few minutes of contented silence.

"Well, I won't pretend that this has been inherently enjoyable...But I am glad we talked it out. There's a part of me that knows you don't want anyone but me, and there's this other part that just feels so...insubstantial, I guess, at times. Like, I know about computers and I happen to have some skill with magic, but that tough, lived-hard-and-have-the-scars-to-show-for-it thing...not so much." She felt Tara nod against her hair. "It's like I have seven years of feeling more and more like I have something to offer; something good. But there were fifteen years before that when everything just seemed to point to me being awkward and dressing funny and being totally into things that no one else found even remotely interesting."

"The clay's really damp then," Tara mused.

OK...And I think I'm non-linear... "Uh--not really following you."

Tara shifted and looked at her. "I think our minds are like clay tablets. You can always make marks on them, but in the early years--the clay's really damp and the stuff that gets written on it then...that stuff gets imprinted really deep. Doesn't mean that's all we are, but it takes energy to make new lines on it."

Willow paused for a moment, wondering if her timing would be alright. Finally she decided to venture it. "What about your tablets, Baby? What got written on yours? I mean, I think I know a lot of them, but as we just discovered--all sorts of nooks and crannies in Chateau de Personal Issues."

Tara's sad smile carved a new place in Willow's heart; some extra space where love tumbled over and spread. "You think I don't get uncomfortable, thinking about you noticing Faith? Or anyone else all sleek and muscular?"

Willow pulled back and looked at her quizzically. "You worry about that, Baby? Body image stuff?" It was so difficult for her to imagine...Tara had curves and an incredible softness that took her, welcomed her. And the way she looked in tight sweaters...

"Willow, haven't you noticed how...petite everyone is around here? Buffy, Dawn, you...you're all so...compact. Sometimes when I'm around you, I end up thinking I'm going to break the furniture because everyone else feels so tiny."

This was an absolute news flash to Willow. "You feel like you're too big? Tara--" And then she remembered that what Tara needed now was the chance to talk about it. And Willow herself needed to know this; she needed to know the full story, instead of rushing in to make it better. But God, those sweaters...

"Wet clay, remember--Donnie always used to call me fat and clumsy. I wasn't athletic at all; I hated gym class. God, all these miniature Amazons running around. I spent half my time hating them and half my time lusting after them. And now I spend all my time with a bunch of people who fight for a living. And yeah--Faith being so muscular...It's hard to think you wouldn't compare us and think, 'God, Faith's so strong, and she moves so well.' Sometimes I feel like I'm just...lurching around, trying not to get in the way."

Willow was stunned. She knew that Donnie had teased Tara--and worse--when they were younger. And yes, Faith's athleticism was attractive--but not in any way that diminished Tara. Willow didn't consider herself much of a fighter, but apparently Tara did.

"I guess I've always been ashamed of my shyness, too. I mean, I can look at anybody else who's an introvert, and I think, 'Well, that's just who they are.' But me...And you guys are so quick and glib. God, sometimes it feels like you have a team of people writing for you. And I still stutter sometimes..."

Willow couldn't help herself. "Baby, you know I just find that endearing, right?"

"I know," Tara replied a little sadly. "Sometimes, though, I'd like to be the strong, confident one; the one everybody looked at when she came into the room." She stared pensively for a moment, then shook her head. "Willow, I swear--for the most part I'm OK with all of this. I know you love my body; I'm feeling better about it. And being shy--that's just who I am. Given that who I am is who you love, how bad can I feel about it? But we're talking over our insecurities here and I wanna be honest."

"I know, Tara. And I wanna make everything better, but I know I can't. I'm just glad you know I do love you, and your body, and your shyness. Besides, I also know there's some closet vixen in there that nobody else knows about, and that's a huge turn-on." She was rewarded by a crooked smile.

"So...We know that we both grew up feeling insignificant, in lots of ways," Tara began. "And that it's still sometimes hard to believe that someone we admire and respect so much would be ga-ga over us. But... It also sounds like we both know that other person does love us. And I think that's gotta serve as a pretty powerful healing force."

Willow considered all of this for a bit. Finally she ventured, "OK, so we know a lot about our insecurities. Are those the same as our fears? Not to be splitting hairs here, but it seems important."

"No, I think you're right," Tara said thoughtfully. "I think they're related, but also distinct in some ways. Like, maybe our fears are the end results we dread most, and our insecurities are what we think will lead to them."

"OK, nice distinction, Samuel Webster," Willow commended her. "So--any fears we haven't talked about? Aside from losing each other?"

Their eyes locked for an instant before they said almost as one: "Losing Kyra."

*****

To Be Continued

[vix84]

Dibs!

ETA:

Wow wow wow!

Okay, first of all, I love Tara's gentle insistence that they have to talk about it in depth. The way she asks Willow, "can you talk about it?" just gets me.

All the discussion about nebulous fears and feelings is wonderful, especially when it comes to considering Buffy's. I can relate to having a friend that you know so well, and have known for so long, that you just assume you know everything there is to know. In my case, you eventually come to blows because you realise you've both changed completely and no longer have any idea who each other are because you stopped discussing it. (That was a long-winded way of saying 'well done.')

I love psychologist Tara, asking hard questions about past crushes and feelings, whilst remaining, as Willow puts it, "so centered."

"And instead of considering it, I just...I burned inside, Baby." I loved this line, too. It's like Willow's head is slowly unravelling, discovering all the irrational and painful feelings and thoughts she has ever had due to Faith.

"Willow, I think you were worried that if Faith did want me, you didn't have a chance." *sobs* Tara's so smart and makes everything logical and better again.

Argh! At the silence about finding Faith attractive. Wow, kudos to Tara. She sure is honest. The type of honest that gets you kicked out of bed!

I enjoyed the way Tara turned it around onto Willow, I might remember that tactic for the future. When she summarises the words Willow has used to describe Faith and points out how they aren't neutral, I cheered for her. Poor Willow!

"Witness one of the great singularities of lesbian love. When we think someone's trying to horn in on our partners, we also get jealous that she's not trying to horn in on us." *adds this to my quote book*

"God, sometimes it feels like you have a team of people writing for you." Hehehe. Very nice.

The Tara body-image problems is very sad and completely believable. It's something that I'm surprised more fics don't go into. Obviously they're not going to write pages about Tara looking at herself in the mirror critically, but I agree that living with BDF would be very hard for Tara.

This update is fantastic, although I'm worried about Kyra. Can't wait for more!

[Patches]

And the reward, once again, goes to work-a-holic (who notes with a blush that she really needs a life that does not involve working 12-15 hour days). Thank you Mary, you have no idea how desperately I needed an escape tonight.

THE YELLOW JERSEY IS MINE!!!! MINE!! MINE!!! MINE!!!

Back later after I've actually read what you've written.

ETA -- damn it!!! Too slow. Sigh -- just that kinda day.


~~~
Okay, I’ve finally stopped pouting, sort of. Since I’ve left my characters to decide how to deal with a fire on a wood stove in a secluded cedar log cabin on their own, and I’m no where near the land of sleep, grab a coffee, kick back and relax, my two-cents worth might just turn into an entire roll of pennies. So onto…the good stuff , be it the sublime or the ridiculous.

Shall we start with the laughter? Yes, that’s a good place. The entire scene in the bathroom was like an avalanche of laughter rolling down a steep mountain; it just didn’t stop! You captured the ‘toothpaste-speak’ perfectly. And Disney as evil incarnate—(here’s a little insider information, Mary. Lean in close now, and shhh be wery wery qwiet, I’m gonna tell a secret…you know Wolfram & Hart? Well Disney doesn’t just own them, it created them. But shhh! Okay? Btw, if you hear on the news about a do-gooder talent agent’s death and suspicious circumstances, well…) Anyway, what priceless moments you give us amidst the gut-wrenching angst in your stories; they are necessary and always perfectly timed. Btw, thanks for giving me an idea. Your use of ‘comic relief’ has helped me solve a little puzzle with what I’m going to do next. I’ve been sitting in front of a blank page for two days trying to sort out ‘where do we go from here.’ I wasn’t expecting the humour you injected and I think something like that might just get me out of an emotional pickle barrel. While I muse about with your story, I’m hoping the formerly blank image in my mind fills in a little so I can write it out later. See Mary, your stories are more than just great entertainment. Now, back to ruminating…(which along with roiled are the alliteration words for the day.)

Using the robe’s sash as segue from the light-hearted banter into the absolute of reality was brilliant. With it, you tightened the focus on Willow and Tara. In one sentence, Dawn, Buffy, and the witty repartee evaporate into a perfectly distilled droplet of emotion. Time and again, you do this and I marvel at how you take us from the macro to the micro. Though we glimpsed Tara’s emotions in the last chapter, they were if not lost, at least a little blurred by speed and timing of events. This is an entirely different expression of those same emotions, but they are so much more intense.

Delving into the motivations and secrets that lie beneath the surface was a lot more than relationship 101. Don’t know if I get bragging rights yet for 11 years with Kathy, but I found myself often nodding at what Tara was saying, especially about ‘outside attraction’—she’s one smart cookie. I think successful relationships are 10% biology and 90% knowing your partner is someone you like hanging out with, just ‘cause. It’s good to remember that whether we like it or not, pheromones have this nasty tendency to just do as they damn well please, yanno. And then there’s yet another of your trademark gems, “Witness one of the great singularities of lesbian love. When we think someone's trying to horn in on our partners, we also get jealous that she's not trying to horn in on us “ Big on the ouch of revelations. Lol

You did the turn-about well between the girls. I remember an interview with Amber in which she essentially said, ‘I’m not going to apologise for being a size 8.’ We were all with the ‘Go Amber, Go Amber!’ sentiment. However, given that context, Tara’s revelations about her insecurities had even greater impact.

Loosing Kyra??? Eeeps!!!! I’d say ‘you wouldn’t,’ but I just know you would. Thanks for giving lots to ponder, and holy setting the keyboard on fire with the updates – very cool! Until next time, good Scribe…

Cheers!!
Patches

[Washi]

As always, Mary great stuff.

It's true that insecurities aren't the same as fears. And, I totally agree about the wet clay tablet.

Waited all night for the update, can go sleep now. I'll edit this tomorrow.

[GayNow]

Ah, Mary. What a wonderful update. When you told watson that she would be jettisoned into the seventh realm of heaven by this update, I don't think I quite grasped the true meaning of that statement. Certainly, this update will be watson's wet dream. (Don't kill me, watty! You know I'm right.)

This was really a beautiful conversation. No cards up their sleeves. Nothing being hidden behind their backs. Everything was just thrown out into the middle of the room...land where it may. I love conversations like that. Can they be difficult to have? Yes. Can they be more revealing than we expected? Certainly. Can they be painful? Without a doubt. Can they bring us closer to knowing ourselves and those most important to us? Absotively! And that is what I love about them.

Willow and Tara explain thoughts and feelings without judgement. THAT is what makes their bond/connection/relationship/whatever-ya-wanna-call-it so wonderful. It also makes me jealous. But, that's another story for another day. Having had this talk, I believe Willow and Tara could very well be the grounding force for the rest of the gang. And, no, I don't exactly know what I mean by that. But there it is.

Great update, Mary. Really and truly. I can't wait for more.

Carleen

P.S. I just wish I knew where that friggin' little spider is right now...I'd send my ever-so-intimidating attack cats after it.

[watty]

Certainly, this update will be watson's wet dream. (Don't kill me, watty! You know I'm right.)

Sigh, you know me so well, cupcake. But I'll be nice to you for the next 15 minutes before you need to go to work cos you sent me Mary's update as a surprise while I'm at work. Now go have images of watty having wet dreams at work, thank god she can close her office door.

Mary - I want to give your update its full attention, so I'm reading it carefully again before commenting. I'll edit this later but you gotta agree, how can I not respond to Car?

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello all. As always, I really appreciate the feedback. This was a "talky" kind of update ("No duh, Mary," came the collective Kitten reply) but it felt important both for our girls and for subsequent disclosures/events.

I'm leaving tomorrow for the weekend. The next update will be on Monday unless I extend my stay an extra day. (Helping a friend move.) FYI, I anticipate an average of 2 updates a week from here on out. Just thought I owed you some sort of promissory note, given my past lapse.

Vix: Yeah, Tara definitely stays grounded for Willow--and conversely. I think that's one of the things they do best. Each one can stay anchored when the other needs to struggle. I mean, the trip to the Nether Realms was erotic, but it was also symbolic, I think, of what they could do for each other.

I've definitely been in the kind of friendship situation you described. One moment, you're basking in the contentment of knowing another person so well that you don't need to talk about everything; the next, you can't talk about anything. And you're wondering: When did this happen? Sucks mightily, it does...

It would have been really easy to have Tara reassure Willow that she didn't think Faith was attractive; she'd never even noticed all those muscles and the leather and the sexuality that ripples out from her like warm, warm water...OK, I'm back. But I wanted something more realistic, 'cuz I think that is more realistic.

Thanks for the wonderful words and thoughtful observations, and kudos on the dibdom!

Patches: Hey, yellow jersey or no--you're a feedback stud! Go ahead and brag about 11 years with Kathy--you should! Of course we get attracted to other people; how much closer could we be to our partners if we shared that with them instead of thinking that we were sparing them but instead we just let the crush feed on the secrecy...Not that I've ever done that. I have a minister friend who likes to tell people when then get married, "We tend to think that our love will preserve our commitment, but often it's our commitment that preserves our love." Smart man, he is.

You know, I so appreciate the nuanced feedback you leave, Patches. It's clear that writing is a craft to you, and you value both its discrete elements, and the gestalt it forms. I have to admit, I love writing humor. Life just cracks me up, but I never laugh as hard as I do when I'm also powerfully aware of some other pain in my life. I can only understand joy to the extend that I can understand despair.

So you're a talent agent? Wow...very cool. And if you go missing, I'm thawing out Walt and having a few words with...well, with his melted, congealing body. Hey, you'd do the same for me, right? Right? Get back to me on that one, OK?

God, Amber's a size 8--and she took grief for it? We are so fucked as a society! I think she's the sexiest woman on that show. Did you notice how Buffy/SMG got smaller and smaller as the years rolled on? "I am the Chosen One; I fight the forces of evil with my physical prowess. I'll just have a salad, please--no dressing."

And hey, if you're feeling stuck with a story, I'm always available to bounce ideas off of. (Don't bounce 'em off my head. That hurts.)

As always, Patches, I just love your observations. Plus you always make me smile. How great is that? ("Pretty darn great, Mary," Patches replied cheerfully.)

Washi: Gotta confess, I love the clay tablets observation myself. I came up with it a few years ago in my work and I've always liked it (Mary said, showing undue self-congratulation).

Hope you slept well!

Car: You are dead-on right in the Q&A about such conversations. They are not without effort or price, but oh, the reward. One of the things I hated about the last couple of seasons (to the extent that I watched any of it) was the way that these supposedly intimate friends just totally missed and dissed each other--and they never sat down to talk about it. I read somewhere that in S7, Buffy basically leaves her house and Faith takes over, b/c they're questioning her leadership? WTF? So I don't want to make these people perfect, or ridiculously self-aware, but I don't believe that they would trust each other in such dire circumstances if they didn't have at least a moderate confidence that they were all on the same page. Thus ends my diatribe. Harrumph.

Watson said to tell you she's in treatment for her wet dreams but so far she's just dreaming more wetly. These things take time...

I'm so glad you connected to this thread, Car--I love your feedback. Thanks!

Watson: See above re: wet dream treatment. Good luck with that. And had you not responded to Car, I would've taken a pulse. No, I don't know where you live and wouldn't recognize you if we passed on the street. That's not the point. Hope work went well.

OK--more later as replies warrant.
Mary

[russ]

Well here I am, finally caught up. It took a while, partly because of all the wonderful feedback that needed to be read; you really inspire your readers.

I love the way you use humour to balance the seriousness of this story. Wabid Willow = wonderful. And Crest-fallen -- I really don't think Tara needs to feel less "quick and glib" than the others. But you had to bring in Old Yeller; thanks for a visit to childhood trauma-land.

Then the Talk. (And I very much agree with Patches on the effectiveness of the sash as segue.) I'm glad Willow found it difficult to figure out how to talk about deep fears and insecurities. It would be easier to fight monsters (well, small ones) than to dig into this stuff. Tara really is a darn good psychologist here, getting Willow to understand her own feelings and fears. Strange, though, that Willow didn't see the difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to them. When Willow finally climbed aboard the "clue train," Tara didn't let it rest, but took her to the next stop on the line. It is possible to be attracted to someone and still remain faithful. As someone once said, temptation is like a bird. You can't stop it from flying overhead, but you don't have to let it build a nest in your hair.

Then Willow's stunned by Tara's revelation of her own insecurities. Funny how our own seem so scary, and others' so transparently false.

We're still no further along in understanding this Big Bad. Is it incorporeal, and therefore un-killable? Or is it a person/demon projecting these feelings to its victims? And what is Kyra's role in this? All shall be revealed in due time, oui?

Now, rumour has it that Jixer has a new story on the go. Time to catch up over there. Vacation without computer is a good thing, but I need a couple more weeks to get caught up with everything!

Thanks for coming back and sharing this with us.

Russ

[Safuega]

Mary wrote:

I think you and I both have a deep value for the emotional adventure.

Why yes, yes I do. As a clichéd Scorpio I tend to analyze the world through a lens of emotions. I am profoundly intrigued by them and tend to love the writers that describe them or dissect them well. I am inclined to think that life itself is quite the emotional adventure, as you call it, and whether human beings like it or not we can at times, if not at most times, be ruled by them despite our intellectual prowess and 'objectivity.' I don't mean to suggest that we are nothing more than emotional beings that are at the mercy of emotional forces, but I do think that these are forces nonetheless that when ignored tend to blow up in our faces. Besides, I can't think of a greater puzzle to solve than that of the brain and how it creates and handles emotions.

I also must admit that after all these years of denial I have finally realized that I should have become a psychologist instead of spending my time trying to save the world and doing the Poli Sci and Public Policy thing. Alas, I just finished a law degree and it looks like the psychology degree is going to wait for a little while more until I'm done playing evil a.k.a. being a lawyer.

Okay enough about my failed psychology career, and let's talk about your wonderful update. I suspected that Tara wanted to clear the air about what an attraction to Faith represented in their relationship. I just did not imagine that you would have their talk be such a lucid analysis of the neurosis that often plagues lesbian relationships when one partner's eyes stray toward an attractive woman. It doesn't have to be the end of the world if one or both partners just look. I liked Tara's way of handling the situation and how she explained to Willow that there is a distinction between finding someone attractive and acting upon it. Tara is right, 'it takes two to tango,' and just because Faith might or might not be after Tara, it does not mean that Tara is after Faith. Well done, Mary.

I also think that this conversation has effectively moved Willow and Tara's relationship to a new level. It's feels like the beginning of a mature relationship where the insecurities of young love are no longer a relationship-shattering event. Willow and Tara have moved from being two girls in love to being two women in love. It is only fitting that this transformation should take place to coincide with the arrival of Kyra. Now that Willow and Tara's crisis has been satisfactorily resolved, they can properly focus on building a happy and stable family for little Kyra.

And judging from the last line in the update, I suspect that little Kyra, who has been absent in these past updates, is about to take center stage.

Great update, Mary. I truly enjoy your writing because you understand emotions so well and through your dialogues you help the characters understand their emotions. You are helping these characters grow and develop in a way that a television show could never do.

As usual, I look forward to more. Thanks for sharing.

Safuega

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-

Rabid witches! Rabid witches! The horror! Of course it pales next to the thought of Dick and Karl together.

The characters you've been growing through three stories keep showing us nuances and interplay that can still provoke thought and make us care. The issues are real, and in this context life threatening. But even if there was no monster in the wings the gnawing worries could still damage even the stoutest hearts. Here they are spoken and the words do hurt, but in acknowledging them they are lessened. How like Tara to carry ancient hurts quietly, while Willow's worries are stored away almost neatly and carefully for easy access later.

But all of those are now dusty relics for the greatest fear has been spoken, the one that echoes down from the days two humans became three. There's a reason parents have laid awake sometimes at night for generations, and now Willow and Tara know that ancient worry-

"What about the child?"


Waiting patiently,

Jixer