okay ya'll... second to last part. angsty-ness ensues so beware....
thanks all for the comments.. i promise to get to them...soon...
here is...
it ain't fickle part 13
by luciddream
Willow was nervous. She’d told Tara she needed to talk to her about something important and they’d set a date for tomorrow at her apartment. She had worked out what she would say with Ted but had no idea if she could actually go through with it. She knew what she felt and in looking back at her time with Tara, she could tell Tara felt something too.
Willow had decided not to tell Tara she was in love with her at first. That would have been way too much. Even for Willow. She would ask Tara if she felt there was something between them and if she would like to explore it. She would leave it totally up to Tara on how to proceed. Willow knew Tara had no experience with this and the potential for disaster was there. Willow had to try though. She had to know if Tara could love her too.
…..
Willow wanted to talk. It was something important. This played in Tara’s mind all day after Willow called her. She didn’t want to speculate, but it was hard not to. Willow had sounded so serious. She hoped it was nothing bad. Tara was tempted to knock on Willow’s door that night after work, but decided against it. She went to bed a bit early that night with thoughts of what Willow might want to talk to her about.
It was hard but Tara made it through the next day. She was at Willow’s door and about to knock when Willow opened the door. ‘How does she do that?’ questioned Tara. Willow always knew when she was near. “Hey”, Willow said quietly. Tara thought she seemed nervous for some reason. She started to fear that it was bad news. “Hey, Willow,” Tara said with a small smile.
Willow led Tara to the couch and they both sat down. “Do you want anything to drink…or…?” Willow asked. “No, I’m fine,” Tara assured her. “Willow, what’s on your mind? You have me a bit worried.” Tara said gently. Concern filled her eyes.
‘Now or never here, Willow,’ she thought to herself. ‘Nothing ventured….’ echoed in her head. Willow took a deep breath. “Tara, I’ve been thinking about you a lot. The time we’ve spent together… I can’t remember the last time I have been this… happy.” ‘God, this is nerve-racking’ thought Willow. “Tara, I’m having romantic…feelings…for you…I was wondering… if…” Willow let the sentence fall as she saw the look of realization-and fear- on Tara’s face.
Tara knew from the minute Willow started talking what this was about. She waited a bit to make sure it was what she thought. At first, Tara didn’t know what to think. She had actually been afraid this was what Willow wanted to talk about. Tara had thought a lot about their beach trip and had decided that what ever she had felt for Willow, it had been out of a reaction to finally getting close to someone. The ‘feelings’ she’d been experiencing for Willow she’d reasoned where some sort of dependence on Willow and her great admiration of Willow as a person. But romantic feelings? The feelings Willow was talking about couldn’t be what Tara was feeling. For so many reasons, they just couldn’t be.
Tara was upset with Willow for putting her in this position. But she shouldn’t be, she reasoned. Tara saw how her actions may have given Willow the wrong idea. But she did care for Willow deeply. So, instead of just getting up and walking out, like she first wanted to do, she would explain to Willow why this wasn’t going to happen.
“Willow, I’ve never… had feelings for a woman, let alone a man. I just don’t think I can. I grew up with everyone around me believing it was unnatural…” Tara’s sentence faded as she began to cry. “Willow I’m scared to death that you want me the way a man wants a woman. I just can’t… I’m not…” Tara’s crying turned in to sobs. ‘Why does it feel like it is killing me to say these things to her?’
Willow’s mind was a blur. She’d planned for both good and bad outcomes, but this… this was too much to bear. Willow sat numbly for several minutes while Tara’s sobs subsided. She didn’t hear the first time Tara had called her name. “Willow?” she said through sniffles. “I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t know…I’ve ruined it, haven’t I? Our friendship? God, Willow…”
Willow looked up at Tara’s red, watery eyes with red, watery eyes of her own. “No, Tara. You didn’t ruin anything. I did. I thought maybe you had… I thought I felt that you maybe had feelings for me too. I was terribly wrong. Please don’t think it was you. It was me, Tara. It was me.” With that said, Willow stood up slowly. She wanted to touch and comfort Tara but thought better of it.
Tara stood and slowly made her way to the door. She opened the door and paused for a moment as if to say something, but nothing came. She walked across the threshold and pulled the door quietly shut. Willow stood for several minutes, not thinking, not moving, not seeing anything. The phone started ringing but she made no motion to answer it. For a split second she thought maybe it was Tara, but soon heard the voice of Ted on the answering machine: “Willow it’s Ted. Call me and let me know… well, call me!”
….
Two weeks had passed and the young women made no effort to contact each other. They purposely avoided each other at home and Tara stopped going to the coffeehouse. Tara missed her friend terribly, but couldn’t think of how to continue their friendship. She thought about calling Ted and seeing how Willow was but wasn’t sure if she should. She just couldn’t bring herself to knock on that door five feet across from hers.
….
Willow was working herself to the brink of exhaustion. She had picked up a second job at a bookstore and when she wasn’t studying, she was working. She tried not to go home except to sleep a few hours. She knew if she even slowed down, she’d break down. Willow knew if that happened she wasn’t sure if she could get back up again.
Ted had been as supportive as he could be, but he knew Willow partly blamed him for what had happened. “If it hadn’t been for your goddamn prodding, this wouldn’t have happened!” Willow had yelled at him over the phone. She called the next day and apologized, but things were still strained between the two.
….
“Hey Tara!” greeted Martha as Tara walked in to the apartment. “Tara, this is Paul’s friend, Matt. He just transferred to the university to do his graduate work in Criminal Justice.” Matt stood up and shook Tara’s hand. “Nice to meet you Tara. Martha told me that you had quite a ride-along experience a while back.” Tara shot Martha a look that couldn’t be mistaken. Martha flinched, but quickly recovered. “We were all going to go get something to eat, would you like to join us Tara?” Tara smelled a set up and almost said no. What did she have to lose though? She had been depressed the better part of a month. Perhaps this is what she needed. “Sure, where are we going?”
Dinner was pleasant. Tara and Matt found that they had a lot in common. They talked most of dinner and Matt and Paul came back to the apartment where they hung out for a couple of more hours. By the end of the evening, Matt had asked Tara to go out to dinner with him later that week. To her surprise Tara had said yes. He was a nice guy. Very much a gentleman. She found him interesting and intelligent as well. Tara figured it wouldn’t hurt to see him again.
….
Willow was tired. She was mentally, physically, emotionally tired. She wasn’t sure how much longer she could keep up this pace. She’d gone up to Tara’s door or picked up the phone a dozen times but couldn’t bring herself talk to her. They’d seen each other coming and going on occasion. It was inevitable. All either could manage was a feeble acknowledgment of each other’s presence.
Willow would spend most of her waking time wondering what was going through Tara’s mind. Would they ever be able to be friends again? Could Willow put aside her feelings just to have her best friend back? Willow knew she was a better person because of Tara. And now…
Willow had to talk to Tara. She would apologize… say it was a mistake… grovel… she would do anything just to have Tara back in her life at any capacity. Tonight she would knock on Tara’s door and they would talk again. Willow would make everything right again.
….
Tara had nothing to wear. Matt would be here and she had nothing to wear! “How about this?” Martha asked as she pulled out a light colored floral dress. “Two words: Laura Ashley.” Tara said and turned her attention back to destroying her closet. “I give up!” moaned Martha.
It was nice to see Tara back to normal thought Martha. Martha didn’t know the details, Tara wouldn’t tell her, but she knew something had gone down with Willow across the way. She had her ideas on what had happened. She knew Willow was gay. She had assumed Willow finally made some sort of move on her and scared her away. But Tara was in such a funk for weeks. She was pretty sure nothing happened between them. Tara wasn’t like that. But Tara seemed to be fine now. ‘What ever it was, I guess she got over it,’ figured Martha.
Matt picked Tara up right on time. She had decided on a salmon colored sundress, with Martha’s approval. They went to one of the nicer restaurants in town. They talked about politics, family (she gave only brief description of hers sans the bad stuff), movies, music. Seems Matt was a fan of a lot of the same stuff too. Things were going well, except for one thing. All Tara could do was think about Willow. Every time Matt described a place he’d been she wondered if Willow would like it. When Matt shared an opinion on a topic she wondered what Willow would have come said about that topic.
….
“Hey Martha, is Tara here?” Willow had paced in her apartment for the better part of an hour on what she’d say to Tara. ‘And that worked out so well the last time I did that,’ she thought to herself ruefully.
“No, Willow. She’s not. She went out with one of Paul’s friends. Do you want me to tell her you stopped by?” The look on Willow’s face almost made Martha regret she’d told Willow Tara was on a date. ‘Poor thing,’ thought Martha.
Willow was dumbstruck. She knew this would come. That Tara would be noticed and asked out by guys. But God, it hurt. “No, that’s okay Martha. I’ll call her tomorrow.” Willow quickly walked back to her apartment before she started to lose it. She stood with her back to the door for half an hour and cried. She cried for her lost friendship, the guilt of hurting Claire and she cried at the irony of being desperately in love and having it not returned. ‘Cruel disease for which there is no cure’ indeed.
….
‘Snap out of it Tara,’ she reasoned with herself. ‘Here you are with a nice, sweet guy who seems to be into you. The least you could do is give him a chance.’ After dinner they had taken a walk downtown and he’d even taken off his light jacket and draped it across her shoulders. “Looks like it might rain tonight,” he gestured towards the sky. He had already asked her out again to a concert one of their favorite bands was having. She’d accepted.
….
Willow couldn’t stand being in her apartment anymore. She had to get out, go anywhere but here. She grabbed her keys and left. She started walking towards the university, but didn’t even realize it. Her mind was a complete blur. The pain was blinding everything. She had no idea of where she was going or what she was doing. All she knew was she just had to keep moving.
……
Tara had relaxed and started to really enjoy the evening. ‘I can do this,’ she thought to herself. ‘It’s not like I have to be in love with him right now. It’s only our first date.’ She smiled at him and slipped her arm under his.
…..
Willow finally stopped about 5 miles from her apartment. She became aware of her surroundings for the first time in two hours. She had found herself in the not-so-good part of town. ‘Christ Willow,’ she chastised herself. No wallet, no money, no phone. ‘You just keep doing it to yourself, don’t you.’ She had two choices: start walking back or try to find a phone. She chose the latter since it was beginning to rain and she had on a tank top and jeans.
….
Matt and Tara sat in Matt’s car in front of the apartment complex talking. It was obvious Matt liked her. He had told her as much. When she began thinking he just wanted her for something, he had suggested they call it a night and he take her home. They had been in the car just talking and he hadn’t made a move at all. That impressed Tara very much, although she would be ready with the heel in an instant moment. She didn’t think she would need to. This guy was no Manny.
….
Willow had found one pay phone but of course it didn’t work. She had turned around to search for another when she came face to face with some extremely ugly, unkempt punks. “We need some money.” Said the uglier of the two. ‘Why didn’t I just walk in circles around the complex,’ thought Willow. “I know you won’t believe me, but I have nothing. Do you guys happen to have a cell phone?” ‘Did I just ask that?’ “Lady, we are at the end or our rope. We have nothing to lose here. Give us what you got or we will take you into an alley and…” He didn’t have to finish that sentence.
“Look I’m serious. I took off out of the house with nothing on me. I was just looking for a phone…please…” Willow was getting pretty scared now. She could see it in their eyes. They were losing their high and they were desperate.
“Bullshit!” The bigger one said as he made a grab for her. Before he could get a hand on her, she brought her knee up and sent him to the ground. Unfortunately, the other one was quick and grabbed her from behind. At that point she started to scream but because of the rain pouring down now, no one was out. The other one had recovered and limped to them and picked up Willow’s legs to carry her into the alley. “Dammit, lady, all we wanted was some cash!” he said.
….
“Well, I better be going now”, said Tara. She started out of the car but stopped. She leaned quickly toward him and kissed him. It was a sweet kiss and Tara felt nothing. She expected a little tingle or-something. Nothing. It was like kissing a relative.
Then it hit her. It hit her like a ton of bricks. She smiled quickly at him, put his jacket over her head and ran up the stairs, down the hall and into her apartment. Matt was a sweet, good-looking, intelligent guy. In fact there was only one thing wrong with him: He wasn’t Willow.
….
The first hit to her cheek hurt a lot. She’d never been punched before. ‘That’s what it feels like’, was her absurd thought. The second punch never got to her. It was stopped by someone. Willow took advantage of that and stumbled out of the way. She watched as a thin man single-handedly took care of the two punks. They got the upper hand once but Willow stepped in with a bottle and hit the one closest to her. She knocked him unconscious.
The thin man finally knocked down the other one and he didn’t get up.
“Come on!” He said as he grabbed her hand and started running down the rain-slicked alley. They didn’t stop for about a quarter of a mile. “Why are we running.” Heaved Willow when they finally slowed. “Cops.” Was all the man could gasp out. They made their way to a bench next to a playground in a park. “Thank you, for saving my life.” Willow said as her breathing returned to normal. “No problem…” the man was continuing to gasp. “Are you okay?” asked Willow.
She wasn’t sure why she was still sitting here with this stranger. Who knows what he would want. Of course he didn’t look like he was in any condition to take anything from her. “My name is Donnie, by the way.” He said as he stuck out his hand. “My name is Willow.” She took his hand and shook it. “Those assholes have been a thorn in everyone’s side down here.” Donnie said as an explanation of why he took them out. “Looks like I came a couple of seconds too late.” He said as he looked at the gash and bruise that had formed under her left eye. “Hey, I’m just glad you came.” Smiled Willow. “You said your name was Donnie?” asked Willow.
….
“So how was the date?” asked Martha in her little sing-song voice. “Oh, it was nice. Have you seen Willow?” Tara had knocked on her door hoping to talk to her but no one was there. She had a lot of things to say to her too. She would first start with, “I’m an idiot.” Martha’s smile turned to confusion. “Oh nice? That is it?” Tara gave her somewhat of a pleading look. “What is going on with you and Willow anyway?” asked Martha.
This was the moment of truth for Tara. She wasn’t going to deny it any longer. “Martha, I’m..I’m… in love with Willow.” Wow. That was horrifying and wonderful. “You’re what?” shouted Martha. “Why the hell didn’t you tell me? Why were you sulking for a month? Why did you let me set you up with Matt!” Tara thought. “I was in denial. I was in denial and I was in denial.” “Jesus Christ, Tara…” was all Martha could muster. She couldn’t understand why she didn’t see it before. Then Martha remembered what happened earlier. “Oh! Willow came by earlier. I told her you were on a date with one of Paul’s friends! Tara was out the door before Martha finished the sentence. She had to find Willow.
…..
“So you told my sister you were in love with her and she freaked, right?” Donnie and Willow had found a store-front to sit under while the rain continued to come down hard. When it let up they had decided to walk back to Willow’s apartment so Donnie could see Tara. Willow had told Donnie a hell of a lot more than she’d intended when she found out who he was. Apparently it was a Maclay talent to get people to tell their life stories. “Tara is the real talented one. I could easily see how you could fall for her. She is the best human being I know.”
In the course of the half hour they sat there, Willow had told Donnie about meeting her sister at the photo store and pretty much everything up til now. She told him how much Tara misses him and worries about him and chastised him for not seeking her out. He had told her that he had been in a ‘dark place’. Willow knew enough about him from Tara to figure out what he meant. “Willow,” he said and waited for her to turn and face him, “I’m ready to get clean. I’ve been ready for some weeks now.” He lifted up his sleeve to show some healing track marks. “Tara will be so proud of you.” She said and nudged him with her shoulder.
…..
‘Where could she have gone?’ wondered Tara. She had gone back to Willow’s apartment and found the door open. She took a quick peek inside to see that she had left her wallet, phone, jacket. Her car was here. She called Ted from Willow’s phone but Ted had not seen her. Tara filled him in on a bit of the story and they agreed to meet and start looking for her.
“They had decided to start at the university and fan out from there. Martha had joined as well. The rain was down to a good drizzle now and people were starting to come out of the late night coffeehouses and delis. They had decided to take different streets downtown and just start looking.
….
“Looks like it is letting up, let’s head out.” Said Willow. She paused and looked at Donnie. “You look like shit.” She told him seriously. “I know.” He said and they both grinned as they made their way up the street.
They’d gotten almost to the end of the street when Donnie stopped. “Tara!” He shouted. Tara spun around at the sound of her brother’s voice. “Donnie!” She yelled back and started running toward them. It was then she noticed a slightly built redhead was standing next to him. Willow.
by spazz07 » Fri Aug 09, 2002 10:17 am 
Willow falling for Tara and you can see that Tara is finally starting to get it as well. They just have great bond and it was great to see you get them as bets friends. It's not hard to picture them just talking openly about stuff together so it makes sense. Great stuff, more soon. 
Well she should after Willow's perfect description of bein w/ a woman compared to a man! Wonderful update! Can't wait 4 more! 
Willow should listen to him, although i can understand her fears. But yeah, no risk no fun...
