As Time Goes By

[SakuraEtsuko]

During whatever free time I get, this is where I am. Reading and re-reading this story (because, damnit, I'm tired of Ayn Rand!)

Ayn Rand huh? Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. lol.

~karen~

[Safuega]

Hi-ya Mary:

Real life is taking its toll and the time I can spend at the board is rapidly dwindling, so here is my last hurrah for your story.

All I can say is that the fact that you are ending the story caught me by surprise. I don't know what I expected, but I certainly did not expect an announcement that an epilogue is to follow! "Ending shock" aside, I totally thought the announcement that Kyra was already the guardian made sense as an ending. I guess I could be cynical and say, 'see, all that effort was wasted since the BB had already gotten what it wanted and was just being vengeful,' but I think that the point of this story all along has been that although the odds are stacked against you and the path is treacherous, there is still something to be said for putting up a fight. All the more so when said fight is the 'good fight', the big good versus evil kind of fight. In the end, the Scoobies did what they always do: they fight. And they do it not for what rewards may lay ahead but because that is the right thing to do. These are really tough moral lessons you are driving home, Mary. Tougher still because it's so much easier to verbalize them than actualize them.

Really well done, Mary. Thanks for sharing this story.

Safuega

[GayNow]

I think that the point of this story all along has been that although the odds are stacked against you and the path is treacherous, there is still something to be said from putting up a fight. All the more so when said fight is the 'good fight', the big good versus evil kind of fight. In the end, the Scoobies did what they always do: they fight. And they do it not for what rewards may lay ahead but because that is the right thing to do.

I have to agree here. Whether intentional or not, at the base of this story is an ever-present sense of morality; the repetition of "it's the right thing to do" throughout the story makes the morality clear. It seemed like every discussion they had regarding either the BB or Kyra's role as the Guardian centered on whether or not they were doing the right thing. They were always mindful of the consequences.

And what consequences they were! Dawn is 'lost', her mind somehow removed from her body. Regardless of how right their actions were -- ridding the world of the BB and forever condemning it to the 7th level of Tupperware Hell -- how 'right' are they going to feel now? The BB had its 2 victims; their trap was 'pointless' in terms of keeping the BB from getting the last 2 victims. I can imagine the Scoobies will be fighting with each other to carry the guilt. I have a feeling it's going to be painful. (Though, having said that, I can see Mary throwing away everything she's written for the epilogue and starting again, instantly turning everything into sunshine and lollipops.)

Anyway, I don't know why I wrote what I just did. It's what came to my mind.

Looking forward to the epilogue...and the sequel.

Carleen

[Katez0r]

Ayn Rand huh? Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep. lol.

Haha, it's for school. The Fountainhead. I'm so sick of it. I mean, I appreciate it, but now all I want to is read something with lots of pictures. Or maybe just watch TV. My brain is exhausted.

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello, Kittens. I'm sorry I haven't put the Epilogue up yet, but I had another deadline to meet such that this had to wait. I'm gone this weekend, but it'll be ready mid-week next week. Again, thanks for your ongoing interest and support!

Daiailun: Wow--such thoughtful observations! First of all, I knew that Kyra would end up the Guardian. The trick was how to have them put up a good fight and possibly "win." (And you know that word's gonna ring hollow for a while...) Her moms were upset primarily b/c they assumed she would have no choice. They each decided to join this fight, but to look at this baby and learn that she was put here to live a life of danger--well, it pretty much tweaked them.

Your thoughts on the parallels to Christianity were intriguing. I didn't go see "Passion of the Christ" (or as one cartoon put, "The Cash-In on the Christ") b/c I know his death was an excruciating one. But how did He live? What can we learn from that? The glorification of violence is a huge element in all of that--it's far more "exciting" to show this carnage, vs. a life of quiet, steady goodness and grace. (By the way--is it just me, or does Mel Gibson seem to eroticize violence? I mean, in pretty much every non-comedy he's been in, he or some other male is just beaten to a pulp, often w/ these extended slo-mo sequences. Creepy.)

Your post also reminds me of the Jacob/Isaac story. No way do I kill my child to prove my love, and I don't believe it happened. If it did, I don't want any part of it.

Yes, Kyra would almost certainly have lived a life of danger and risk simply by virtue of her surroundings, even w/o the superpowers. I think we let ourselves believe that we're incapable of great things b/c we don't have such powers; we're too ordinary. What could we do if we didn't hope that someone more powerful, more capable, more wise would be better suited?

Thanks for such great ideas and taking the time to articulate them. I really enjoyed reading your observations. Thank you, too, for such kind words. This story has been intriguing to write; intriguing to talk about. Glad you're a part of that!

Car and Watson OK, so here's my goal: get all three of us in a room and videotape us writing. Car's over in the corner mumbling her story aloud, Watson's keeping her sane, I'm making all sorts of weird faces. Heh...And thanks for the encouragement, my friends. I'm already thinking about the sequel--am I crazy? Hmm...

Debra: Good heavens--what a great story! I loved that movie! "Look--sea turtles!" As if they just appeared...

Jixer: I know, I'm crazy...Such a cast would never be picked up or put on the cover of TV Guide...I'll never be a HACK, dammit--and neither will you! I have to get over to "Dance of the Salamander" and get my feedback on! Thanks, Jixer--yer a good soul.

HeroFactor: Yeah, it was pretty intense...I think everyone sort of figured Kyra would be the Guardian, but nobody (certainly in the Scoobied) expected this to go down! Thanks for the kind words!

Kate: How's the sanity holding up? I think a lot of people are going crazy at this time of the year, esp. if they're in school. Hang in there.

I'm glad I make your heart hurt, and I mean that in only the best way! It just says that you're into the story, and that's good!

You tell your icon that so long as flowers are sent and coffee is purchased, it can just hump away! (I'm easy.)

Thanks for taking the time to leave the fb, Kate! It's always a treat to see you here!

Karen: Oh, that Kate's a deep one, alright. That icon, though, is just a little id monster...

Safuega: Hey, sweetie--RL kicking you around? Damn...I know you've been really busy lately. How's it going? I keep following the reports of the Gulf area and just being stunned anew at the loss and devastation. I know I've said it before, but I'm so impressed at your work.

OK, Car already highlighted this but I'm going to do it again b/c it is so absolutely dead on:

but I think that the point of this story all along has been that although the odds are stacked against you and the path is treacherous, there is still something to be said for putting up a fight.

Yes! It's not about disregarding the odds or pragmatics, it's about saying that this is worth fighting for and no, it won't be easy. But if we concede this, what does that mean? So congratulations for walking in step with the author, which may or may not be something you want to take comfort in, considering where my mind can go...(Ah, but I know you question such things, too!)

Thank you for your kind words, Safuega, and for taking the time out of craziness to leave fb. Take good care of yourself, girl.

Car:
The wondrously articulate Car wrote:

Regardless of how right their actions were -- ridding the world of the BB and forever condemning it to the 7th level of Tupperware Hell -- how 'right' are they going to feel now?

And yes I said and yes. This was such an example of struggling to do the "right" thing when in so many ways it didn't (and certainly won't) feel "right" in the emotional sense. There will be some extended consideration of the costs now, in ways that there haven't been so much before. You're right, too, about them battling to carry the guilt banner in the Moral Recrimination Parade: our girls will feel guilty that so much was risked in part b/c of their daughter; Buffy will feel guilty that she didn't protect her sister; Xander will feel guilty b/c he escaped; Giles will feel guilty, wondering if he perhaps wasn't prepared, if perhaps there was something just ever so slightly amiss in his mind...Hell, I'm feeling guilty just writing this.

As always, Car, I love reading your observations. But sunshine and lollipops? Honestly, Car--do you see me as the kind of person who would write some totally frivolous story, just for whimsy's sake? Hmph...And yet, hmph aside, your rockage remains eternal.

Kate: Yeah, you could take a TV break but I hear that all the channels in your area are playing "The Fountainhead." Sucks being you, sweetie...Yes, take a break! I'd suggest "The Simple Life" but I think you might get the intellectual bends from hitting the surface so quickly.

OK--have a great weekend, my friend(s). Epilogue next week.
Mary

[RKT]

This is such a great story, Mary. I've so enjoyed all of it. But it's hard to believe that it's coming to an end. I'm glad to know that you're going to write a sequel. I'm hoping it will center on Kyra's guardianship. That should be a great story.

Looking forward to the epilogue.

RKT

[Katez0r]

OH!

Hah!

I kept having near heart attacks whenever I read the word epilogue in this thread because, damnit, I don't want it to be over. But now I see sequel and I'm desperately hoping it isn't a malfunction of my contact lenses.

[molsongrrrl]

epilogue = sad ... sequel = happy!

[tal]

Mary,

Dropping by after what seems to have been the longest few weeks of my life, just to let you know I'm still around and that your story is one of the few bright points I have in all of this.

As you might guess, got a new case. The kind that makes you reevaluate your definition of evil.

Anyway, haven’t slept for about 48 hours, so I'll save the detailed feedback for later.

For now just know you still totally and completely rock, and that your tale is my favorite escape.

Tal.

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello, all. A few final replies, and then a finale. As ever--thank you.

RKT: Thank you! I'm glad you've enjoyed it, and yes--please join us for the sequel!

Kate: Ooh, go easy on that heart, girl! No, your contact lenses are functioning properly. Thanks for your enthusiasm, your support, and your ever-so-wonderful avatar!

Molsongrrl: Hey--nice to see you! I'm not good w/ math, but I like your equation. Thanks!

Tal: Oh darlin'...you sound like a hurtin' pup. I'm sorry to hear things are so rough right now. Sometimes my work puts me through the same kind of re-evaluation you mentioned, and it's excruciating. I'm glad that this has been a respite of sorts. Be good to yourself, sweetie, and thanks for your kind words.

OK--epilogue to follow.
Mary

[AntigoneUnbound]

AS TIME GOES BY

Epilogue

Summary: What does it mean to win? How do we pick the battles we fight? How do we best serve those we love? These and other questions are offered up for your consideration.
Pairings: Our beauties for now; who knows for later?
Distribution: I'd suggest a flinging motion, suggesting freedom of spirit. But that's just me. Oh, and please give credit.
Disclaimer:

I've chosen to write this little story,
Not for money; not for glory.
Though I love them, I own them not.
In fact, I own quite diddly squat.

To Joss, I say: Don't take action to spite me.
If you do, I'll be forced to suggest that you bite me.
For this board survives, and thrives--yes, and how.
By contrast--what are you up to now?

Thank you, my dearest Kittens, for following this story so faithfully and for staying with me even after my long, unexplained hiatus. This has been a different kind of story for me to write, and I have so valued the process of it. Your comments and your support and your observations on the characters and their choices have made this a powerful experience for me. Thank you again.

********

Dark green blouse; black trousers. I think that's appropriate. Right?

It had been four days since they lost, and won, and lost again.

Dawn had been subjected to a rotating alphabet of tests: MRI's; CAT scans; PET scans...None showed any physiological damage. There were no lesions; no tumors. Her brain circuitry worked fine. Neurotransmitters--catecholamine and dopamine and seratonin and norepinephrine--were all at normal levels. Her pupils reacted to light, but she never followed anyone with her eyes or made any sign of recognition or reaction.

"What happened to this girl?" the attending ER physician had asked incredulously, Giles told them later. Their response: "We don't know."

On the third day, the neurosurgeon shook her head helplessly. "According to everything we can see, she should be walking and talking."

"Except she's not, Buffy replied tersely. "She's lying in a hospital bed, staring at the ceiling." Willow rested her hand on her best friend's back, but there was no response. Buffy had rarely left the hospital, hadn't slept more than six hours total since the attack.

Dawn showed no voluntary or purposeful motor movement. She didn't resist being turned, being washed, being dressed. There was no act of will whatsoever.

There was no sign of Dawn.

Now, four days later, Willow and Tara had decided to attend the funerals of the final two victims. Both ceremonies had fallen on the same afternoon, so Tara went to Brandon's; Willow went to Magda's. Her name was Magda, Willow thought, buttoning the blouse with fingers that shook from exhaustion and the tides of emotion that crashed against her at random. She was Magda, and he was Brandon. They were real people, just like the other eight.

Anya and Xander watched Kyra for the afternoon. "Say a pra--say something for me, Will," Xander requested quietly as they were leaving the house. "Just...whatever feels right."

Except nothing felt right, not right now.

Why go? It wouldn't bring them back. Was it guilt? That they hadn't saved them?

"I think it's about acknowledging that they lived," Tara said when she and Willow discussed it. "I think it's about saying to the universe, 'We know these people lived, and we know why they died.'"

At the cemetery, a few people cast Willow questioning looks, having no idea who she was or why she was there.

I'm here to honor her. I didn't know her, but I honor her.

Willow watched as a husband, two daughters, two parents, three siblings grieved for someone they believed had chosen to leave them.

It wasn't her choice! Willow wanted to scream. She was killed for the very reasons you loved her so much.

Would these survivors, ripped through with anguish and recrimination and a thousand unanswered questions, ever know the truth?

She could only wonder.

********

Life at 1630 Revello Dr. lurched on...

Surreal.

Numbed.

And above all...guilt-stricken.

It followed all of them, hung off their clothing like a stench. The air was thick with it, and each of them carried a certainty that his or her sin was the most unforgivable of all...

I hid. While Dawn was getting...when he went for Dawn I was hiding in my wife's mind, useless. And now she's gone and she might not ever come back. I was so worried about whether or not I'd be worthy, and when it all went down--I was hiding.

I should feel bad. I do feel bad. But most of all I'm relieved because Xander's safe. Everybody else is miserable and I'm just so glad that if it had to take anybody it didn't take Xander. Which means it took Dawn.

I should have known it would be too much for her. She's been thrown into so many horrific situations and we lost sight of the fact that she's a teenager. Did I forget that she's not her sister? I am the closest thing she has to a father, and I didn't protect her.

Buffy was in her own isolated realm of hell. No matter what anyone said--and all of them had tried to say it at various points--Buffy would always believe that this was her fault. She didn't rail about it, she didn't lash out, she didn't cover herself in sackcloth and ashes. She just walked through the days saying virtually nothing, and nothing at all that didn't concern Dawn. She walked through her nights, Willow knew, pacing and staring out the window. She'd come upon her once, when she woke to go to the bathroom, and Buffy was standing at the far end of the hallway, arms crossed across her chest, looking out at the night. Willow had a flashback to an almost-identical moment a week ago, when Faith was the restless one. This time, though, there was no intimate moment, no whispered vulnerabilities. Buffy had heard her, somehow known it was Willow even with her back turned. "I'm fine, Will. Just needed a moment."

"OK. You know if you need anything..."

"I know. Thanks."

And that was that.

Faith...?

Without there being a need to discuss it, Faith stayed at the Summers house instead of moving back in with Giles. She kept a close eye on Buffy. And yet some tiny voice in Willow's mind whispered that she would bolt. Rage, guilt, helplessness--those they had in abundance. But there was nothing to fight now except despair, and Willow frankly didn't know if Faith had the arsenal for that battle. She also knew, though, that Faith looked upon her duty to Kyra with utter solemnity and honor. And she knew that at least some part of Faith would yearn to hold tight to Buffy--to anchor her, to be her friend even if nothing else.

But the vulnerability, the exposure...Had Buffy learned of her feelings while she held Faith in her mind?

How could she not? Tara knew it looking from the outside.

Would Faith feel so exposed that she just decided to go? Would she tell herself that it was best for everyone, and just leave a note on the kitchen table?

We need you, Faith. Don't you dare duck out now just because there's nothing to kill.

And that was why, when she overheard two familiar voices in the kitchen well past midnight after the funerals, she didn't have a lengthy, complicated debate with herself about the ethics of eavesdropping. She simply padded to the bottom stair and listened.

"...two of 'em. I'll get the rest tomorrow, now that I know where they hole up," Faith was saying.

With a swift shock, Willow realized that the Dark Slayer had been patrolling.

"You should take somebody with you," Buffy replied quietly. Willow could hear the exhaustion that practically choked her words.

"Hey, I know it's a smaller sweep, but I'm still getting--"

Buffy's voice was sliver thin, and utterly commanding: "You really think that's why I don't want you going alone? To up the kill ratio?"

There was no reply to this, and Buffy continued, "'cuz the nightly haul is pretty much the last thing on my mind these days, Faith."

"I promise I'll be careful, B," Faith finally managed.

"No, you'll take back-up," Buffy countered. "Please--I can't..." Her voice broke, just slightly. "I don't have it in me, Faith. Not another..." She trailed off again, and this time the silence endured.

After several moments, the utter quiet compelled her to risk a look around the doorframe. Buffy sat limply at the table, head sunk into her hands. Faith stood behind her, one hand squeezing her shoulder while the other gently stroked the long blonde hair. Willow ducked back into the hallway and drew a deep breath. She had violated their privacy, and the scene had left her shaken. But now she knew that Faith wouldn't leave.

Willow and Tara...Their feelings ricocheted from guilt to sadness to rage. There was no sense of victory in defeating that creature that took so much from so many. No, there would never be another funeral like the ones they had attended, but that offered scant comfort when they went to visit Dawn.

"Is your mind back in the hospital too?" Willow asked sadly, five nights after the attack. They were sitting in bed, the room lit by two flickering candles. The light jasmine scent of Tara's body lotion mingled with the sandalwood of the candles. For Willow, their bedroom was the only room in the house these days that felt like a refuge instead of a trauma ward.

Tara nodded, the light in her eyes turning to almost unbearable sadness. "I just keep seeing her, Willow. Just laying there, absolutely still."

They had gone to the hospital earlier, as they'd done every day, hoping that perhaps there was something they could do or say that would bring Dawn out of it. This time there would be some glimmer of recognition. This time Dawn would squeeze their fingers, just barely, but enough to let them know she was there. So they held her hands and stroked her hair and told her stories--ridiculous stories, to make her laugh, and loving stories, to make her feel.

"God, remember when Xander tried to intimidate that Lorokh demon into giving us information by shoving him up against a wall? And the demon was so intimidated that he peed all over Xander's shoes?"

"Or when Giles keep seeing that same woman in the Espresso Pump, and he thought she was really attractive, and so he finally decided to just go for it and ask her out and it turns out that she had decided to enter the convent at St. Helen's? I think he still believes she just made that story up to avoid saying no."

"Dawnie, please wake up. Or if you don't feel like waking up yet, just squeeze my fingers, OK? We're right here, Dawn; we love you so much...

"I know, Baby," Willow replied heavily. "Dawn's always in such a hurry, she's always running around or talking ninety miles an hour and now...Now she doesn't move at all." She shook her head angrily, swiping at her eyes. "This is so wrong, it's so completely screwed up and wrong and I don't know what to do." She looked up at Tara desperately. "Baby, what if she never gets better? What if she's stuck there, in nothing? Or--or worse yet, what if she's in some kind of awful tortured place? God, Tara, I feel like I'm going to scream and if I feel like this, what must Buffy be going through?"

"And she still hasn't talked to you about it?"

"Nothing." Willow ran her fingers through her hair, remembering every conversation that Buffy had aborted before anything of substance could be addressed. "She always says she's OK, and then shuts down, or talks about going to the hospital. I know she blames herself. God, we could throw a guilt smorgasbord in this house and feed the entire West Coast. Tara, I still can't believe this happened." She felt the tears pricking at her eyes again.

"Oh Sweetie..." Tara moved to slide under the comforter, and then held out welcoming arms. Willow gratefully gave herself up to the warmth. "Willow, honey, I know..."

She nuzzled closer, breathing in Tara's rich, singular essence, drawing comfort and strength from the embrace."Baby, do you think we should have stopped her? Stopped them, I mean? Dawn and Xander?"

"Will, they're not kids. They had the right to try."

"But we knew that things could go wrong. There were so many unknowns in it all." She had played every scene over in her head so many times...

She felt Tara's sad smile against her hair. "Sweetie, when have any of our plans been foolproof? And yet almost all of them worked out, without major casualty. Wasn't it just last year that you couldn't stop thinking about how lucky we'd been so far?"

She remembered the desperate searching, the utter imperative of finding every protection spell that existed because their luck couldn't hold, not over and over again as it always had. "So you think the odds caught up to us?"

Tara gave a slight shrug. "I don't know. I'm not saying I'm sure we did the right thing. But we've pulled off so many miraculous escapes that it's no wonder we assumed we could pull off another one. And I think, above all, that we believed it was the right thing to do."

Willow thought about this for a few moments, and then asked quietly, "What are we going to do, Tara? If she doesn't get better?"

Tara was silent for so long that if Willow hadn't known better she would have thought she'd dropped off to sleep. Finally she said, "I don't know, my love. There's only one thing that I do know: we won't let her stay there. If it doesn't look like modern medicine can do anything, we'll intervene. Somehow, some way. But we won't leave her there."

Willow nodded, swallowing around the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat. "Scoobies aren't the type to wait around and let the action come to them," she whispered.

Goddess, what's going to happen to our family?

As if picking up on the anguish, Kyra gave a small cry from her crib in the next room. Willow and Tara usually alternated nights of getting out of bed and attending to their daughter, but these days they both needed to be close to her, just to ensure that she was indeed healthy and safe.

They had talked briefly about Willow's perception on the night of the attack, that Kyra had somehow been involved in Faith staying where she was. "I know it's impossible, Baby, but I could have sworn I saw some kind of...light, or wave, coming from her."

But Tara just shook her head. "I don't think it's impossible, Will. I think it was the first sign of her receiving her powers, and I think we are in for a multitude of moments just like that one."

Now, Tara bent to rub her back, humming softly. Kyra kicked out with little feet, tiny mouth in a frown of surpassing displeasure. She wasn't fully awake, however, and Willow fervently hoped she wouldn't get there. Kyra didn't cry often, but she most definitely did not like anything messing with her sleep. Her lungs had offered powerful testimony to that fact on several occasions over the last year. Within a few moments, though, her brow had cleared and she was beginning to breathe more steadily. Finally she gave a huge sigh, kicked out once more, and dropped back off.

They stood there for several minutes, not wanting to risk waking her up and yet unable to pull themselves away from the sight of their daughter at such peace, in such safety. Eventually, though, they turned to each other with a slight smile and eased out of the room.

Sliding back under the covers, Tara asked bluntly, "Do you really see her rejecting it?"

"Of course not," Willow sighed. "OK, so she gets to choose...Good. I mean, really. That makes me a little less pissed. But look at this family, Tara." She gave a dry laugh. "Every single one of us has killed at least twenty demons. We've saved the world, for Hestia's sake, and in sort of a recurrent fashion."

"But it's not just that," Tara replied slowly. "I think...When I look at her I feel like I can see it in her--the fighter, I mean."

Willow had a sudden flash of her dream: a young girl, fighting for all she was worth.

Tara gave Willow a nervous smile. "This may sound really odd...but I dreamt about it."

Willow felt a tiny chill slide up into her belly. "What do you mean?"

Tara took Willow's hand in her own, and Willow clutched at the warmth it offered. "I--I saw Kyra, in a dream. I mean, she looked about 19 or 20, but I just knew it was her." She broke off, biting her lip. "She was fighting."

"And loving it."

Tara looked at her, stunned. "Yeah, but how did you--?"

"And she had a scar."

Willow felt a tremor run through the soft, warm flesh. "Yes." It was almost a whisper.

"I had the same dream, Baby. I saw her too."

They stared at each other, fingers entwined, for what felt like a very long time. Why am I surprised? Of course we had the same dream. Of course. Maybe it was prophecy, or maybe they were just so in tune that they held the same fears.

Finally Tara drew a long, slow breath. "You know what else I saw?"

Willow could only shake her head.

"She was really good."

Willow saw the beginning of a very tentative smile edge across the beloved features, felt the beginnings of that same smile on her own. "She was, wasn't she?" Pride stole over her heart, spreading its singular warmth.

Their smiles widened, fed off each other as if each woman was giving her mate permission to feel some glimmer of something positive.

"Did you see the way she handled that sword?" Tara asked, eyes widening.

"Yeah, and the part where she did that standing jump?"

"Oh my God, wasn't that amazing? Hey, was that an athame she had in her left hand? It looked like it had some kind of Native American symbol carved into it."

"So you think she's ambidextrous?"

"Maybe enough to wield two weapons."

They were both grinning now, imagining their daughter giving holy hell to whatever dared piss her off. After a moment Willow reached out and cupped Tara's face.

Our daughter. My mate.

Cobalt danced and swam in front of her own eyes.

This is the life we choose. I would choose no other.

Tara took her hand and pressed light kisses against each fingertip. Leaning close to Willow's cheek, she whispered, "One of us should learn how to sew."

Huh?

"Huh?

Tara pulled back just enough for Willow to see the crooked grin sliding across her face. "Do you have any idea how many holes she's going to rip in her pants? In her shirts? In pretty much everything she puts on? I don't really see her throwing many tea parties, Sweetie."

"If she does," Willow mused, "they'll be the only full-contact tea parties on the block."

They lay quietly for several minutes, each enjoying the unexpected respite. Who would've thought that talking about Kyra as the Guardian would leave us...happy? But for once she was disinclined to examine a thing too closely. It just felt good to laugh again.

They dropped off to sleep that way--smiling amidst fear; hopeful amidst despair. Battles large and small awaited.

********

THE END

(For now)

[Patches]

DIBS!!! Baby, DIBS!!!!

back in a bit

[Foomatic]

Heh . . . dibs! Oh dammit Patches!

Well, if I actually had words, I'd say them but . . . I can only sit back and sigh.

*Sigh*

Wonderful work. I look forward to whatever you write next, be it another fic, or a disclaimer, or even a fortune cookie, I'm there. I love your writing immensely and can honestly say you are one of best writers on this board. I've read all your stories and have not been disappointed, not once. Thanks for sharing this amazing tale with us.

[Darth Pacula]

G'day, Mary.

Right then, first off: It's snowing where you are? You lucky devil. I'm in the middle of a heat wave. Stupid southern hemisphere.

Ah, it's good to see this story continue, and yet, it's so sad to see it finish. But, so long as you continue onto the promised sequel, I think I can just manage to keep going.

So, modern medicine's alphabet soup of tests couldn't find diddly squat wrong with Dawn, huh? There's a shocker. I can't imagine ... whatever the hell happened to her leaving much of a physical trace. To be stuck in such a situation as Dawn is ... gah! Gives me the grade A wiggins.

I have to wonder though, is she just gone? Is her soul, or spirit or whatever the heck ya wanna call it just destroyed, or is it floating upon the ether. Or, perhaps worse still, is it trapped inside Dawn's body, just unable to do or say anything. Personally, I think the second one would be worse.

Hey, look at this! Everyone is on the guilt train. Once again, color me shocked. (There really should be a font reserved for sarcasm.) And, as you so eloquently put it, they all think they're in the lead for the 'Most Guilty Scooby' award. Now, I might come off a tad callous saying this (which is okay, 'cause I am a wee bit callous), but they all kinda need to get over themselves.

Sure, Dawn is ... well, a vegetable to intents and purposes, and they all feel bad. That's fine, and totally understandable. Survivor's guilt; it's to be expected. But they can't let it rule their lives, or everything they have fought for over the years will be wasted. Dawn's sacrifice will be wasted.

All this sitting around bemoaning the undeniably sucky twist that fate, or random chance, or whatever you want to believe in, has dealt them isn't going to do them any good. They are all, for lack of a better analogy, soldiers in a war that they can never win, and will never end. And all the evil in the world isn't going to back off and let them grieve. Faith seems to be the only one who realizes that life, and the war, goes on regardless of what happens to Dawn in the long run.

The chat that Tara and Willow have about the miracle that they've lost as few people as they have is all too true. They are fighting a war, and in every war there are casualties. It's an inevitability. It doesn't matter how good you are, how skilled or prepared, how much you deserve to live. All it takes is one slip, one mistake, one bad day, and wham! You're dead.

And finally, our two hot mama's allow themselves to feel a little pride in their shared vision/dream of Kyra's future. Which is cute, but also sad. Sad in that they are having to accept a future for their daughter that is going to be inevitably filled with violence and pain. And let's face it; little Kyra's pretty much got the lot of Slayer's life now. I don't care how good she's going to be, how well trained or supported she is. The odds are, she's going to die young. This whole prophecy thing, sure it might come true, but it might not. And in the end, I just don't trust the bloody things.

Okay, on that point I'm beginning to realize how depressing and maudlin I'm sounding, so I'll finish off here. I blame this sodding heat; it's melting my brain.

But before I flee, I just have to say how very much I have enjoyed your story, Mary. You rock, you rule, now go blow up a school. Er ... crap. I suck at rhyming.

Cheers,
Paul.

[justin]

This is my last chance to do this so,

You must remember this
A kiss is just a kiss, a sigh is just a sigh.
The fundamental things apply
As time goes by.

So Dawn is stuck in a persistent vegitative state. When Tara was talking about helping Dawn I wonder if she was talking about finding some sort of magical treatment or euphanasia.

If only there was someone who's job it was to protect Dawn. Who, like Dawn, was energy given human form. Maybe they'd be a relative of one of the Scoobies. Does anyone know know someone like that?

Willow and Tara seem to be accepting Kyra's role as a guardian. Maybe that was the point of the dream. To invoke a sense of maternal pride, so they'd be more readily able to accept this.

Looking forward to the sequel

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello, all. I hope that life is treating you well and conversely.

Patches: Hey, how are you? C'mon back when you can.

Foo: Well aren't you just the kindest soul...? (I asked, and TPTB said you were.) I'm glad you enjoyed this, and thank you so much for the kind words. The sequel is already bopping around in my head! Thanks again.

Paul: First things first, indeed. You said:

Right then, first off: It's snowing where you are? You lucky devil.

OK, if you could just hold still for a minute while I BITCH-SLAP YOU RIGHT UP-SIDE THE HEAD USING MY TRUSTY SNOW SHOVEL. There. That's better. Just needed to get that out of my system.

Yes, there will be a sequel...in which Dawn awakens from a dream and finds that none of this ever happened! Whaddya mean it's been done before?

You noted:

But they can't let it rule their lives, or everything they have fought for over the years will be wasted. Dawn's sacrifice will be wasted. All this sitting around bemoaning the undeniably sucky twist that fate, or random chance, or whatever you want to believe in, has dealt them isn't going to do them any good.

Well, yes and no. Obviously such a reaction isn't helping anybody, but I don't know that it feels like a conscious decision or even a volitional matter right now. We're at T+5, and folks are still in shock. Many are the times I've told myself, "You can't [fill in the blank]" but that doesn't stop me from doing it. So these kids are gonna need some time to heal plus they'll need to take direct steps to pull back from the Guilt Abyss.

Yes, it's going to be quite the ride for our lovelies as they come to terms with this and all that it means. I wanted to show them moving into something other than protest and outrage because truth to tell, I do believe that they would feel pride in her, esp. having "seen" her in action. But that certainly doesn't negate the pain and the worry and the fear.

And finally...Thank you so much, Paul, for coming along on this topsy-turvy ride! It has been such a joy to share this with you, and to read your own work in return. Your comments have always held a wonderful mixture of thoughtfulness, humor, and support. I so appreciate your presence! Take good care, and be sure to bundle up...

Justin: Wait--there's a song that has this title in it? When did that happen? Ah, my friend...We come to the end of another saga...

I deliberately left the nuance of Tara's promise vague: is she talking about medical magic, or euthanasia? And an interesting point you make, about a possible guardian for Dawn...Heh...

Yes, the final scene was to show that even as they worry (and will always worry) they are feeling the beginnings of pride about their daughter and her path. The dream was really important in that.

Thank you, Justin, for coming along with me on this story and for staying with it. You've been an incredibly faithful participant since I joined the board, and I really appreciate it.

OK--more later, as replies warrant.
Mary

[caz]

This story was wonderful and I'm so glad that there is going to be a sequel. Dawn tended to piss me off in the series but I wouldn't have wanted her to end up in that state. I'm really glad that she is going to get better. I have a feeling that Kyra will play a big part in that.

Can't wait for the sequel.

Caz

[jixer]

Hello Kittens-

The pain of your Scoobies comes through with an ache because we feel their confusion and loss in their hollow victory. I've been there when everything we know says the person on the bed should be going home, but great dark depths of what we still don't know pulls hope away. We Kittens know Dawn is a magically created being, attacked by another impossible creature. Is she a possible danger as she is now, a way out for something that has been waiting in the dark for what seems like forever? If there is a cure I'm sure it will be found by W&T, or possibly Kyra, in a way that will make us all gape with wonder and perhaps shiver at the danger.

Xander's survivor's guilt, Anya's relief, and Giles' guilt at being a a 'bad father' all come through with few words.

Buffy's not giving up, but the fragility of her control is wonderfully expressed. We know your Faith will not be leaving, and can easily forgive Willow for a brief violation of their private moment.

As usual Willow and Tara come through clear and deep. Part of me wonders how much their pride in their vision of Kyra is whistling in the dark and how much is evidence that they are warriors in unusual guise proud of their line. What ever mix it may be they have their daughter and a future. Hope sleeps nearby, their family is wounded but alive, and for now it is enough.

Thank you,

Jixer

[Darth Pacula]

G'day, Mary.

OK, if you could just hold still for a minute while I BITCH-SLAP YOU RIGHT UP-SIDE THE HEAD USING MY TRUSTY SNOW SHOVEL. There. That's better. Just needed to get that out of my system.

Cool! (Pun intended) My first threat of bodily harm on the board. Now I am complete. Seriously though, it's probably easy for me to see the nice, pretty side of snow since I've never seen it myself in person. Strangely enough, snow? Not so much an issue in most of Australia.

Regarding the scoobies little post confrontational funk, I totally get it that it's not voluntary on their part. You (by which I mean me) can't expect them to just shrug off Dawn's mental maiming, and the fact that they didn't stop the BB in time to save it's last two victims, like nothing has happened and continue on their merry way. None of them are that callous, or have suffered sufficient loss to have hardened their hearts against such pain. And you're right; who hasn't done something they know with absolute certainty is the very worst thing they could do, and for reasons they can't explain.

Oh, and that little remark that one of them had better learn to sew? Brilliant. But they'd better add learning first aid to their to-do list. Most kids I know pick up injuries like dogs pick up fleas, so can you imagine what Kyra's going to put them through? Beware the terrible twos and whatnot.

Oh, and 'bundle up'? Did you want me to expire from heat stroke?

See you in the sequel,
Paul.

[russ]

I would have responded this morning, but I had to leave for work early, because of the #$&^ snow. So, I heartily endorse your reply to Paul's remarks. Paul, if you want to see the "nice, pretty side of snow" I recommend a tour of the northern hemisphere, shoveling out kittens' driveways.

I'm so glad that Willow & Tara attended the funerals of the fallen; it's important to remember that the victims were people, not just plot devices. They should be acknowledged, indeed honoured. Some authors never get that (what is he up to now?).

As for the guilt smorgasbord -- sure it's irrational, but totally understandable. All will grieve, all will suffer from what has happened to one they all love. At least Buffy, shut down as she is, is not blaming others for what happened. I suspect that if (when) she finally lets her emotions out, it will be Faith she opens up to. Whatever develops in that relationship, there is now a deep bond between the Slayers.

I'm glad you end on a hopeful note: a determination to find a way to help Dawn, and a pride and delight in Kyra's future role. Though I'm sure there will be lots of motherly fears and tears in the years to come.

This has indeed been a "different kind of story," and I thank you for writing it, and for sharing it with us. However, I must disagree with one line:
" In fact, I own quite diddly squat."
Whatever else you may own, you own a marvellous writing talent, a huge heart, and the respect, admiration, and affection of a globe-spanning community. It's been a pleasure, Mary.

Russ

[watty]

Mary, I read this yesterday and once again this morning. But as you can imagine I have quite a lot to get ready before I go on vacation, so please forgive me for the short comments.

First, your disclaimer is frigging hilarious, it takes disclaiming to a new height.

The guilt trip is inevitable. But that's the price for every fight, there'll be the ones that they could not save -- all the other victims, the last two victims, Dawn. In my heart of hearts I think that perhaps Dawn isn't completely lost, that some day they might find the key (pun intended) to bring her being back. I do wonder, given her origins, that what happens to her when she dies. Hmmm, need to think about that more.

They are rallying around each other, and it's so gratifying to see. Faith staying with Buffy, and the little moment that Willow interrupted. Hopefully Buffy can come out of her funk and recover somewhat.

Willow, Tara, Kyra -- proud parents and capable Guardian.

Willow reached out and cupped Tara's face.

Our daughter. My mate.

Cobalt danced and swam in front of her own eyes.

This is the life we choose. I would choose no other.

This so epitomizes them, their life, their love. What a fitting description to end this fantastic journey you guided us through.

Thank you, homary, thank you.
[br]

[badkitty]

Mary:
I just wanted to pop in and tell you that I enjoyed your story immensely. As a wannabe fanfic author who has left at least one fic unfinished, I also want to thank you for finishing it, even when it was difficult for you. When a story starts to mean a lot to us readers, it's just great when an author can update it consistently and untimately finish it. Kudos to you on that!

Also, your writing and storytelling are simply fantastic. I was glued to every word. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. I am so looking forward to the sequel!!!

badkitty
ps- I'd vote for you if the board ever had a "Best Disclaimer" contest!!!

[Sasha]

*Sasha wonders where to start with the feeback, and decides 'hello' would be a good opening*

Hello I've been lurking and reading this wonderful fic for quite some time, but only registered recently so haven't left feedback before... however, now that it's over ( ) I feel compelled to echo everyone else's feedback, and say WOW. Really, I have no words, everyone else has said it... I loved this fic so much, every single part of it was wonderful and you write the characters so well, I laughed, I cried... well ok I didn't cry, it wasn't a crying sort of fic, but I was certainly sad at the sad bits and happy at the happy bits and I laughed a LOT... and your disclaimers! Oh my, I enjoyed them almost as much as the story! And and and... and... WOW...

*Sasha runs out of words and hopes this incoherent gushing will be sufficient*

[AntigoneUnbound]

As always, Kittens, your words bring a warm smile on a cold day!

Caz: Y'know, Dawn got on my nerves, too. Glad she's working a little better for you here. Thanks so much for reading, and taking the time to let me know you did!

Jixer: And another friend who has accompanied me on so many of these forays...I'm glad the emotional elements rang true; that was easily the most important part ot me. I'm trying to be vague w/ Dawn's fate, but you're right if you assume it won't be an easy answer. You noted:

Part of me wonders how much their pride in their vision of Kyra is whistling in the dark and how much is evidence that they are warriors in unusual guise proud of their line.

That's an excellent question, Jixer. You know, I think it's a little of both. They've had a very condensed, intense time of anguish about the danger, and that won't completely dissipate by any means. But they're also both inclined by nature--I believe--to feel that everything has a purpose. And yes, they ARE proud of the little mite, and I wanted to use the dream to give that both impetus and form.

Thank you so much, Jixer, for following this and for invariably leaving such thoughtful, thought-provoking observations. Your Kittenhood is most admirable!

Paul Well, I hated to bust out the implied whup ass, but it seemed necessary...The irony, of course, is that we went through a ridiculous heat wave this summer and I knew--I mean, I knew!--that in perhaps 3 months' time I would be shovelling and cursing, shovelling and cursing. Whatever happened to a happy medium? Oh, that's right: I live in central PA...

I'm glad their reactions make sense to you, but you also made good points in your original post: in time, these people WILL have to shake the funk off and get down to business. This is their moment of disorientation: guilt, bewilderment, the absolute nightmare of looking at someone they love and feeling utterly helpless to do anything. There's nothing to fight; no tangible enemy. This is the demon of absence, and by definition she never shows up for the fight. So we give them this time, and know that it won't endure...as Tara promises. (Ah, but just what does she have in mind?)

Thanks again for joining me here, Paul! Now, I eagerly await the next installment of At Any Cost!

My Dearest, Most Excellent Russ... OK, so I'm reading your fb and as always I'm smiling and nodding and then I get to your closing lines and I'm just blown away. You have a knack for saying the kindest things at the most timely moments. This story has encompassed a wild time in my life and in and of itself it proved complicated to write. Your words gave me a much-needed sense that it was good to finish this. How do I thank you? What's that--perhaps some rosemary-infused olive oil, herbs fresh from my garden? You got it!
You noted:

I'm so glad that Willow & Tara attended the funerals of the fallen; it's important to remember that the victims were people, not just plot devices. They should be acknowledged, indeed honoured. Some authors never get that (what is he up to now?).

Yes! (And hah, by the way...) It wasn't just a completion of last chapter's plot device. (Whose grave is that?) None of the survivors know what happened, and our lovelies know, as you do, that these losses have to be honored.

You're right: when Buffy opens up, it'll be to Faith...Perhaps not exclusively (I don't want to dishonor her friendshp w/ Willow, in particular) but the two have become bonded, esp. with Faith's revelation about her brother. I'm really trying to show them struggling honestly w/ their feelings and yet not retreating into a chronic place of withdrawal and disengagement. That's part of why I wanted to end on the hopeful note, as you observed. Yes, there will be tears, but dammit this kid is something special and they can't deny that "seeing" her brought home not only the danger of her path (hence the scar) but also the worthiness thereof. I very specifically included the palpable joy and gusto--they "saw" her absolutely pulsing with energy and engagement in the moment. How many of us can ever say that about life?

Thank you again, Russ. You've been with me over so many chapters and three different stories now. My best to you and yours for this season!

Watson: First of all, no need to apologize for brevity! One, you're about to leave on vacation, so I'm impressed you could write anything at all and this is hardly a "Nice job!" post. Two, you have been so thoughtful and supportive in your observations throughout this that I would hardly be inclined to say, "Well, that's not sufficient!"

I have to admit: writing the disclaimers is always a hoot for me. Glad you like them!

You said:

In my heart of hearts I think that perhaps Dawn isn't completely lost, that some day they might find the key (pun intended) to bring her being back. I do wonder, given her origins, that what happens to her when she dies. Hmmm, need to think about that more.

Interesting contemplation, Watty. She is different in her origins. Did Glory's defeat completely undo the mystical aspect of her existence? Or, in the event of her physical death, would there be some other transformation?

Yes, our beauties are indeed proud. It felt important to end on that note, esp. the element of choicefulness. So much of this story was about choice, in moments when any given path has its merits. At the very basis of their life, however, is an important acknowledgement that there IS choice, and they have chosen this life.

Thank you so much, Watty, for accompanying me on this story and for leaving such consistently thoughtful and supportive comments. I hope your vacation is a glorious, well-deserved respite!

BadKitty: First of all, I hope I've told you how much I love your avatar: Lucy as the Screamer? Of course...I really appreciate your comment about finishing this, b/c when I came back I honestly feared that people would say, "Huh-uh...Not again. Too late." It can be really tough to finish these. I hope you turn back to yours some day! Oh, and I'm glad you enjoy the disclaimers. In an intense story, I found them a welcome bit of humor.

Sasha: Hey, welcome! I'm so glad you registered--this is a very friendly board w/ really good people. Enjoy it! And yes, your words were more than sufficient! I'm glad you enjoyed this story, and that the emotions rang true for you. It had a lot of angst but also a lot of humor (or so I intended) b/c frankly I can't do all of the former w/o some leavening of the latter. And the disclaimers...Yeah, they're my own little joy. Thank you so much for following this and for writing such kind words!

OK--more later, as replies warrant.
Mary

[WillowRulez]

Sorry, I really wanted to reply after I read the update but my computer is screwy nowadays...
Great update, awesome fic. I am really looking forward to Dawn's progress... because I believe she wont stay like that. After all you said: The end (for now)

[Ressick]

Even in the face of tragedy, your Scoobies survive. Barely hanging on, but they live enough to honor the lives that were taken. So very fitting. I've been lurking lately, but very closely watching and loving this story. The last couple of updates have been so very true to the story, and work so well with the Scooby portrayals you give us. I just want to briefly thank you for all the obvious effort and time that has gone into giving us such a wonderful story. It is very much loved and appreciated. So thank you. I hung on the edge of my seat for this story, and will continue to hang on the edge of my seat until we find out what happens to poor Dawnie! Bravo, and very well done!

[dmw]

Interesting contemplation, Watty. She is different in her origins. Did Glory's defeat completely undo the mystical aspect of her existence? Or, in the event of her physical death, would there be some other transformation?

I don't see any reason why Glory's defeat would make Dawn a real girl, so I see a few possibilities for Dawn's death, depending on how the monks altered perceptions and/or reality.

1. It can't happen. Dawn is a ball of energy; the teenage girl is just a perception others have of her. Changing Dawn beyond the parameters of the spell works much like bringing a magnet near a monitor. The screen is disorted while the magnet is near, but once the magnet is removed, the screen refreshes to its normal state. Depending on how static the illusion of Dawn is, she may be ageless.

2. Obliteration. The Key returns to its original state and the distortion of reality that was Dawn is ended, resulting in everyone losing their artificial memories or forgetting that she ever existed. Alternately, people remember the distorted reality to a small extent as in Superstar.

3. Rewind. Dawn's death shatters the altered reality, so that it rewinds back to the point of divergence, much like how the Wishverse rewound when Anya's talisman was destroyed, returning everyone to the normal Sunnydale. However, as Dopplegangland implies, the reality in which Dawn existed and died might persist as an alternate reality (hopefully we'd be in the universe with shrimp, not the one without.)

4. Recycle. The spell is reset when Dawn is killed. It could mean that the world returns to Dawn's initial appearance in Buffy vs. Dracula, or that the Key is reincarnated as Dawn (or possibly a different Slayer's kid sister) in the current time.

By the way, excellent story, and I'm sorry I wasn't here to post comments along the way.

[LtSticks]

Mary, Mary, Mary.

I had to take my time in constructing a reply for the end, so powerful were my emotions. I have to admit, I'm devastated that Dawn got...well, whatever has happened to her. Shock horror, I actually like Dawn...well, your Dawn (Joss's Dawn whines far too much) and thus, to see her attacked by the Big Bad, actually hurt.

Not that I'm criticising your genius, I think you've handled it with an excellence that is insurpassable. The twists and turns in the plot have kept me on the edge of my seat, and constantly hounding the boards for sign of an update.

I LOVE the idea of W/T being proud of the visions of Kyra as the older Guardian...very cute, very understandable.

I eagerly await (i.e hound the boards once more) the sequel, and pray to the Goddesses of all that is divine that maybe, just maybe, Dawn might get to banter with "Bub" once more

As always, your devoted Lt

~Emma

[AntigoneUnbound]

Hello, Kittens. Such warm words on a cold snowy day...

WillowRulez: Hope the computer's better. We'll just have to wait and see about Dawn...Thanks for reading!

Ressick: Wow--thank you so much! You're right--I do put a lot of time into this, but it's worth it b/c the feedback and the interaction is so wonderful. Thanks again for following and for your supportive comments.

dmw: Many hypotheses, many scenarios. Who knows? Maybe you should write something that investigates those very possibilities...? Thanks for reading!

Request permission to speak frankly, Lt: Thank you! Hey Emma--what a treat it's been to have you along! Like you, I saw Dawn as having more potential to be enjoyable than she was wrought in canon. I kinda had to change her around if I was going to write her...And it felt very important to end on a hopeful note. No, of course it's not going to be easy for them from here on out. But now that they've "seen" her in action, how well she really seems suited to it, they can also start to feel some of the pride that any parent (hopefuly) feels for a child who is doing something important that they love. Thanks again, Sticks--I really appreciate your kind words and your ongoing support in all of this.

Ta (not to be confused w/ "T&A") for now~
Mary

[histchic]

Woweee. Antigone, you continue to amaze me. After all the moral wrestling about should they let her be the Guardian or not, should they let innocents die or not, and then to end it on such a sweet (if bittersweet) note, it makes me extra happy that there's going to be a sequel...there is right? I really liked Tara's speech towards the end, about how the law of averages caught up with them. and yeah it sucks bigtime that Dawn was the one caught in the crosshairs. But I think for all the good that came out of it, maybe things didn't turn out too bad. Which goes back to the theme you had during this whole story: Is the good worth the bad? And ultimately, our gang has done everything they can, and at the end of the day that has to be good enough because they have the power to save the world and will use it. Anyways, I loved this story and look forward to more from you. Thanks again for taking us on this journey.

Toodles, Take Care.