If I haven’t botched posting this, it is complete, but there may be a sequel.



Author: Garner

Email: Garner502@yahoo.com

Feedback: Yes, that way I don’t make the same mistakes twice and you (or someone else) won’t have to suffer through the same ones again.

Distribution: Wiccan Ways and Extraflamey so far.

Spoilers: Season 6 through Wrecked. If you haven’t seen Smashed or Wrecked this won’t make tons of sense.

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: W/T?

Disclaimer: The characters are Joss Whedon’s and those involved with the show. I have no right to any of them and make no money on this whatsoever. No infringement is meant.

Summary: Holiday blues are rampant in Sunnydale, no one is happy, Willow tries to deal with Tara’s absence. This could be depressing?

Note: Written December 2001/January 2002.





                                        First Christmas After



        Willow woke up early Christmas morning. It was still dark out and the clock by the bed read 5:05 AM. Normally she wouldn’t be up for at least another three or four hours. She rolled on her back and tried to go back to sleep, but after a while she still didn’t feel comfortable and tried laying on her other side.



        ‘Christmas,’ she thought. ‘Always such a big deal for everyone else. Mom said it was just another patriarchal tool to enforce cultural homogeneity and ease the guilt for binge purchasing and that Hanukkah is the holiday that venerates the family.’



        As a kid she remembered even those celebrations being pretty subdued. Not a lot of presents, cooking or fuss. Her parents were extra busy during the holiday and her mom invariably used the time to write new articles while she could. When she was older she sometimes thought about going over to Xander’s on Christmas eve, but he said his parents argued a lot and that wouldn’t have been much fun either. Hanukkah and Christmas had just been the period between school sessions when she could catch up on reading or go over the next year’s schoolwork ahead of time.



        Except for the last two years of course. Tara had changed all that, made the holidays truly something to be looked forward to. Her family always had a tree, decorations and made a big deal out of the birth of Christ. As a witch even her mom had gotten into the celebrations, though for different reasons, of course. The last two years she and Tara had spent the day together and it had been wonderful. The altar to the goddess would have already been decorated from the Winter Solstice ritual of rebirth so they would use it for a ceremony that allowed their magic to flow together. They renewed their ties to each other and it really had been a day of celebration. To make things completely perfect they would make love that night. Slow and tender without rushing or the frenzy that sometimes drove them into each other’s arms. Just long lingering caresses and sensuous kisses with no thoughts of anything else.



        She rolled back over onto her other side and pulled the blanket tighter around her. Tara wasn’t here and wouldn’t be. She missed being able to pull her closer to her. The feel of her head on her shoulder and the smell of her hair. Even the warmth of her body and the soft sound of her breathing seemed so natural, like they were always meant to be there. Her arm reached out to where Tara would have been laying but only a colder section of the sheets met her.



        Willow turned onto her back with a flump. The blanket came loose and cold air snuck in the bottom of the bed cooling her feet. She lay there a moment and then moved onto her side, kicking her feet to get the blanket back over them. It sort of worked, but now she really wasn’t sleepy. Well, she was still tired, but she was also close to wide awake.



        She spent the next hour or so twisting and turning and trying not to think about Tara. It didn’t work. She blamed herself for Tara leaving. If only she hadn’t been so stupid. If only she had listened to what Tara was saying. But she needed the magic. It made her feel like she belonged with Tara, like they had something special that no two others shared. And that was the stupidest part, they did have something none of the others had. A connection that went deeper than love and somehow she had managed to screw it all up. Maybe the connection hadn’t been that deep after all? Maybe it had been the magic, and now without it Tara would never come back. What would she do without her, if she never came back?



        Finally, just as it was getting light, she did slip off into a light sleep, though her dreams were disturbed by images of Tara leaving her forever. Of her moving back to her family to care for them and suffer through their abuse which was at least better than being with her.



        The alarm rang and Willow slowly got up, her stomach feeling unsettled and a vague impression of unease running through her mind. She couldn’t exactly recall what it was she had been dreaming about but it left her with a sense of loss and guilt. Slowly she got up and went off to the bathroom to wash and get ready for the day. She wasn’t sure why she bothered, but supposed she might as well get breakfast at least.



                        *                        *                        *



        Buffy woke up with a start. Coarse fabric pressed on her and covered her. For a second she thought she saw silk lining above her and panic rose up, but then her eyes focused on the ceiling and she realized it was quite a ways above her. She wasn’t trapped in a tight coffin and there was plenty of space around her.



        She threw off the covers and saw that the room was darker than it should have been. Her feet moved across the cold floor and she looked outside. Gray. No sun today, just a bunch of clouds covering everything, muting all the colors. It didn’t look like rain though, just a dismal day. She shrugged, ‘at least everything won’t be so bright, so grating.’ Sometimes when the sun shone brilliantly outside it seemed like the light cut right through her eyes and into her brain. It was so dazzling, highlighting the edges and distinctness of everything. It showed how separate it all was.



        She gave the faint hint of a sigh expressing her displeasure and then turned to go to the bathroom. It really was pretty cold. What happened to the warmth? Why did it take so much energy just to move around? She supposed it really didn’t matter. Pretty soon there would be noises and voices to pound at her ears, to cascade through her head. At least now it was relatively quiet and the cold was just uncomfortable. But, wasn’t there something she was supposed to do? She felt like having either forgotten something or missed something important.



        ‘Whatever,’ she thought. ‘If it was that important I would have remembered it.’



        The harsh sounds of Willow in the bathroom told her she was too late to get in there. Instead she put a robe over her sweats and T-shirt and headed downstairs. Maybe there would be something to do down there, something to distract her from the pain. No, that wouldn’t be the case would it? There would only be more pain there, familiar sights, anxieties, imperfections, peoples’ incessant demands. All manner of images would assail her and none would have any relief. Solve one problem it would be replaced by another, and another, and another.



        For a moment she thought back to the time before she was brought back. To a time when everything really was perfect. She could almost remember the sensations, but her mind quickly recoiled from the memories. Each time she tried to recall what she had lost the sharpness of where she was crashed into her that much harder. Besides, the memories weren’t right anyway.



        ‘Dawn,’ she thought, before her mind could return to its previous track. ‘I should make Dawn breakfast.’



        That decided she left her room and went downstairs. There the sight of Dawn sitting on the living room couch looking at the various colored boxes beneath the Christmas tree alight with its own blend of colors assaulted her.



        ‘Christmas, that’s it,’ she thought. ‘Why isn’t Giles here to help with this? Mom used to be the one who did all the decorations and cooking. He would know what should be done.’



        Momentarily alarmed she wondered if she had even remembered to buy presents. But no, she had done that the weekend before. The garish boxes with all those corners gave mute testament to that. Wasn’t Christmas a holy day? Shouldn’t there be some relief at least for one day?



        “Merry Christmas, Dawn,” she said. Apparently there wasn’t.



                        *                        *                        *



        Dawn looked up from the tree as Buffy came slowly into the room. Her hair was still messed up from sleeping and she wore a tan robe over her gray sweats and shirt. She looked a bit disoriented, but that was true every morning.



        “Merry Christmas, Dawn,” she said listlessly.



        “Merry Christmas,” Dawn replied, though she didn’t mean it either.



        It wasn’t fair, today should be the best day of the year, the best holiday, instead, it just seemed like any other day. She should be excited about opening presents and getting new stuff, but something was missing.



        Normally Christmas morning started early, Mom would be up making cinnamon apple juice and pancakes. She always got special blueberry syrup and Mom would make fresh cookies for later in the day and she always got a couple of those too, right out of the oven, all hot and gooey. Dawn loved hanging around in the kitchen where is was warm and the smell of the cooking treats was like a favorite blanket that wrapped around you just right so you knew you were home and safe in your own bed.



        Nothing was right this year. Dawn had been first to get up and downstairs was silent and empty. The kitchen cold and vacant with only a faint smell of dish soap present. She had come out to sit in the living room by the tree, but that didn’t’ help much either. Oh, the tree was the same, but the ornaments and lights were different. The old ones had been damaged in the basement flood from the burst pipes and had to be thrown out. She and Buffy had gone downtown to replace them, but none of those they found were exact matches. And besides, you couldn’t find the glitter diamond she had made in kindergarten or the angel of white tissue Buffy had made when she was in grade school. Both of those were missing from the tree and their absence just didn’t seem right.



        She hadn’t even turned on the radio to listen to the Christmas music like she did while she talked with Mom in the kitchen, waiting for the food to get done. Sometimes they even sang along a little bit. But not too much because no-one wanted to be caught singing with their mother, especially not by an older sister.



        She had hoped that Tara could be convinced to get up early and cook. She always seemed to like to do that, and she did make scrumptious pancakes. Besides, it was easy to get Tara to do stuff. All you had to do was look at her and act sort of sad and she would fold. Of course, it didn’t always work, but Dawn was certain it would have for Christmas morning. She had tried the look on her a few days ago, even added a bit of pouting and tried for near tears, she didn’t think that succeeded, but Tara said that she couldn’t come over for the holidays. That that time was for her and her family and she couldn’t intrude.



        ‘Humph,’ Dawn mentally sighed. ‘What she meant was that Willow would be here and she didn’t want to be here at the same time. What is wrong with Willow? How could she mess things up this bad? They are so perfect for each other, how stupid can she be? And then she thinks she can make it better by taking me to that awful place? It was like she was a whole different person, some skank on TV or something.’



        She crossed her arms and glared at the tree, thinking that if she had magical powers she would turn both Willow and that Amy girl into rats like they deserved.



        Buffy looked up from the cup of coffee she was drinking and said, “Don’t worry, Willow will be down in a little while and we can open presents.”



        Dawn glared at her dense sister and wished for like the hundredth time that her mother was here. She wouldn’t have let the pipes burst, she wouldn’t have slept late, she wouldn’t let Christmas get ruined.



        “I know,” Buffy said with forced cheerfulness, “we need breakfast. Who’s up for toast, juice and eggs?”



        Dawn just groaned.



                        *                        *                        *



        Tara lay alone on her right side in bed and winced as something hit the apartment wall and shattered. A male and female voice raised in anger could vaguely be heard. One was yelling something about being ungrateful and the other was screaming about thoughtless drunken oafs.



        ‘Goddess, can’t they just get along for one day,’ she thought. ‘Even my parents weren’t this bad.’



        No, on Christmas both her father and brother had gone out of their way to try and be nice. It was a religious holiday after all. Once, when she was fourteen and just becoming a woman, Donnie had cornered her under some mistletoe and tried to kiss her. At the time she had been more surprised and shocked than anything else. She shuddered at the memory of his lips thrusting against hers with bruising force. Fortunately her mother had chanced upon them and that was one of the few times she had lost her temper. She threatened to curse Donnie so that he would only find men attractive and that if he ever touched another girl his penis would turn black and rot off. Tara thought it was a curse that would have done Anya proud. In any case it worked and Donnie had never bothered her like that again, though he did make up for it in other ways.



        “Fucking whore!” Suddenly came clearly through the thin, stained walls followed by a screech and another loud bang which Tara hoped was their front door. She had moved out of the Summers’ house so quickly that she hadn’t been able to find a better apartment anywhere. Everything was full and even the dorms shut down for Christmas break. She should be able to get into them next semester. She didn’t have much choice about where to go. She knew no-one else in town. She couldn’t stay with Xander and Anya, Xander was Willow’s friend and that would have been too difficult. Giles was gone and Willow went to the Magic Box too often to stay there, even if they would have let her.



        Something scuttled across the wall barely in the corner of her vision and she shuddered again and pulled the blanket closer around her. At least it was hers and helped her pretend she was somewhere where she belonged. Someplace safe, where the heat worked and the sink didn’t drip, where the roaches didn’t run loose during the day, and maybe even someplace where her Willow could be with her.



        She sighed and held the edge of the blanket closer to her chin as she thought of Willow. Not like she had been lately, always made up, cavalierly using magic whenever the whim took her, evening acting bossier and more controlling than was her wont. No, that wasn’t her Willow. Her Willow was sweet and charming, she had adorable red hair that seemed to shimmer in the light and offset the most stunning emerald green eyes that Tara had ever seen. Eyes that had gazed into hers with love and affection clearly present for anyone to see, but directed just for her. Even when she felt a little down or acted stupid, Willow always knew how to kiss her just the right way, say the sweetest thing or even just silently touch her hand or arm and she would feel better. Like she had found a place where she truly belonged, where someone cared for her and she knew she was important to them and they were to her.



        But her Willow was gone, replaced by a different Willow, one she recognized but didn’t. One who hung out with that Amy girl, and went out and did stuff with her instead. Goddess, could she have been replaced that quickly? Was the connection that she thought they both felt not really there in the first place? Were they spending Christmas together while she lay here alone?



        A sudden weight landed on the bed next to her head making her start and draw back with a cry. An equally surprised black and white feline face looked back her, puzzled.



        ‘Well at least I’m not totally alone,’ she thought. ‘Miss Kitty is here to keep me company.’



        She scooped the soft furred cat up and brought her under the covers with her.



        “You should sleep in here with me where it’s warm,” she said out loud.



        Miss Kitty responded by nestling against her chest in a warm purring ball whose volume increased as she stroked her. The blonde remembered how their cat had loved to jump up on the bed in the morning and sit on her and Willow as they snuggled together. Miss Kitty had loved to lay on Willow’s tummy and put her head on Tara’s side. They had thought it was so cute that they tried to lay together as long as possible in order not to disturb Queen Kitty. Instead she would slowly stroke Willow’s hair and bury her face in it.



        Of course Miss Kitty wasn’t “theirs” anymore. Now she was just hers and Willow wouldn’t see all the cute things she did or the way she chased the new catnip mouse Tara had bought her.



        A slight trail of tears slowly moistened the pillow unnoticed as Tara continued to think of what her Willow was missing.



                        *                        *                        *



        Willow finally went downstairs after a long hot shower. Her mood hadn’t improved; she missed the flurry of activity Tara brought to the morning once they were both up and now their, no her, room just seemed empty and cold.



        ‘Well I’m used to being alone during the holidays,’ she thought. ‘Or at least I was, no biggie. Besides, Buffy and Dawn are both here and to them Christmas is a big deal. Just like it always was for Tara.’

        She clamped down on that line of thought and instead turned to thinking about Dawn. Willow hoped she could make it up to her. She hadn’t meant to nearly get them killed, to injure her in a car crash. Thank the gods and goddesses that the broken arm hadn’t been more serious.



        ‘At least she doesn’t have the cast on anymore,’ Willow thought. Since that night Dawn had barely spoken to her though she had been trying to win back the teenager’s regard. Of course it hadn’t worked. She knew that Dawn blamed her for Tara leaving and somehow that made things worse. With one fell swoop she had alienated two people she cared very much about. She sighed and shook her head as she walked into the living room. Dawn and Buffy were sitting on the sofa with the remains of breakfast on the coffee table. Cups half full of hot chocolate sat beside the plates.



        “Morning,” Willow tried to say with enthusiasm. “Happy Holidays and all that.”



        Buffy looked back at her with the neutral expression she wore most of the time while Dawn looked ready to say something and then turned away with a faint “hmmph.”



        Willow sat down in the seat across from the Summers girls and looked down at her feet unsure what to do or say. Suddenly the image of Tara with her blonde hair covering her face came to mind. Here she was doing the same thing. She had always thought Tara’s shyness was charming and cute. She had slowly moved beyond it, but who knew what the current situation might have done. Even her stutter had returned the few times she had seen her.



        ‘Goddess, I have really messed things ups,’ she thought guiltily.



        Buffy came to her rescue by saying, “I think we should open some presents, don’t you?”



        “Why bother, they’re probably just clothes anyway,” Dawn complained.



        “I’m sure they’re all not,” Buffy replied. “This one is way to small to have clothes in it and it happens to be for you.”



        She handed Dawn a small sized box which weighed a bit too much to be clothes, and then started through the rest of the packages beneath the tree.



        ‘At least I didn’t get Dawn clothes,’ Willow thought. Instead she had gotten a walkman CD player, something she was sure Dawn would like.



        Xander and Anya had brought gifts over earlier and there were even a couple Giles had sent from England. Nearly all of them had been distributed when Buffy came across a small box wrapped in shiny silver and gold paper that had been tucked away in the back. She crawled out from under the tree with it clutched in her hand, and then read the small tag.



        “Oh, this is for Willow...it’s from Tara,” she said and handed it to the redhead who took it gingerly.



        “But, but I didn’t get her anything. I didn’t think...” she stammered.



        Willow looked blurrily into the reflective paper. They had started using the silver and gold paper a year ago. It had been their own secret declaration, sort of a ritual of devotion. It meant each would give all the money in the world to the other, and when they threw the paper away it meant that each would rather have the other than any amount of wealth. Her hands shook a little as she continued to hold the box.



        “I can’t...”



        Buffy took the package from her and said, “here, let me help you.”



        She ripped through the wrapping and tossed it in a ball to the floor. Inside was a small cardboard box. She opened it and a small ribbon of gold was exposed in a pile of tissue paper. Buffy pulled the band out revealing a gold necklace with a turquoise stone setting.



        “How pretty,” she said without much feeling, unclasped it and then fastened it around Willow’s neck so the stone rested at the juncture of her collarbones.



        Willow lightly touched the stone, the cold metal seeming to cut through her. She couldn’t believe Tara had actually gone ahead and bought the necklace, it was really expensive. It must have been just two or three months ago, sometime before Halloween when they had seen it in one of the department stores downtown. Willow had commented on how the unusually bright blue gem reminded her of Tara’s blue eyes, only not as beautiful, and that had been that. She blinked a couple of times and cleared her nose. Tara must have gone back and bought it a few days later. She seemed to remember her girlfriend going on some errand downtown while Willow was busy at school.



        She couldn’t believe she had actually given it to her. And she hadn’t gotten anything for Tara. Well, that wasn’t exactly true; she had picked up a dress she knew the blonde wanted and had been looking at earlier in the summer. But it was nothing compared to this. And anyway, she didn’t even know where Tara was. She was probably alone somewhere, no family, no friends, doing what? Lying alone in bed maybe, waiting for the day to get over and the world to start back up again? Goddess she hoped not. How could she be responsible for causing the one she loved so much pain?



        Tears threatened to come spilling out and she wiped her eyes. She vaguely heard Dawn complaining that there were no cookies this year and Buffy offering to make some.



        “No, let me do it,” she said shakily. “You open your presents and I’ll, I’ll make them.”



        She got up and headed swiftly into the kitchen before anyone could answer, or, if they did she didn’t hear them. She grabbed a tube of cookies from the refrigerator and turned on the stove. She tried to concentrate on laying the dough out on the sheet, but all she could think of was how much Tara enjoyed cooking and making things. It was no wonder her family wanted her to look after them, she was very good at it. She absentmindedly put the sheet in and turned the oven up so they would get done quicker and tried not to think of her missing lover.



        Again it didn’t work and she sank to the floor tears finally rolling down her cheeks. She silently sobbed for what seemed like forever until she heard Buffy’s distant voice asking where she was and if everything was OK. She hastily wiped her cheeks and tried to get herself under control. After a moment she was at least calm enough to go back into the living room and join the others.



        Dawn had a small pile of clothes along with a few CDs and the walkman sitting by her. Buffy was looking at a new pair of black boots. Her last pair had gotten ripped on some spiky demon.



        “You still have a few to open,” Buffy stated pointing to several untouched boxes.



        Willow opened her presents without paying much attention to them. She made the appropriate noises at the approximately right times, but neither Buffy nor Dawn seemed to be paying that much attention either.



        While Willow looked at the new software Xander had gotten her for her laptop, Buffy sniffed and said, “What’s burning?”



        “Damn!” Willow exclaimed. “Cookies.”



        She rushed into he kitchen where a stream of smoke emerged from the oven. She turned on the oven fan, turned off the oven itself, and opened the door. More smoke rolled out from the black lumps that sat on the cookie sheet. Grabbing a mitt she lifted the whole mass into the sink and turned on the water. She started as the smoke detector outside the kitchen went off in a shrill wail.



        Dawn and Buffy, who had followed Willow, went and opened the back door and the window to allow in some extra air.



        “Oh well,” Buffy said. “I guess no cookies this year.”



        “Yeah great, and now the whole house smells like smoke,” Dawn whined. “It’s supposed to smell like pancakes and chocolate and cookies.” She turned to Willow and continued, “Why don’t you just use some magic and fix everything?”



        Willow was shocked by the vehemence in Dawn’s voice. She looked into the sink at her charred attempt at cooking and then back to the angry teen.



        “I...I’m trying to not use magic anymore,” she said softly. “It’s what got you hurt before.”



        “I remember,” Dawn said turning away and added as she went out onto the back porch, “God, why couldn’t you have left instead of Tara?”



        Willow’s hands hung limply at her side as she tried to think of something to say. Dawn was right, it was her fault everything was ruined. It should have been her that left, at least then Tara wouldn’t be alone now and maybe Dawn would be happier.



        “Will, she didn’t mean it,” Buffy said placing her arm on Willow’s shoulder. “I’ll go talk to her and find out what’s wrong.”



        “No, she’s right. It’s all my fault.”



        She ran out of the kitchen and upstairs to her room, but the empty bed there silently mocked her.



        ‘Oh Tara, I miss you so much. I need you. How could I be so stupid?’



        She sat on the edge of the bed and miserably regarded her puffy eyed refection in the mirror over the dresser. Everything seemed to come crashing down on her like an avalanche. Nothing she had done in the last six months turned out right. First the fight with Tara which led to her getting caught by Glory and turned into a drooling idiot. Something Willow knew Tara especially feared. And yeah, she brought Tara’s mind back but it took so long and she probably didn’t even get that right. She had messed up with Buffy, ripped her out of heaven into a coffin six feet underground and now she felt like she was in Hell. And then she had done the unthinkable, she had cast a spell on Tara to alter her memory, and not even just once, but twice. And the second time hadn’t even worked right, but almost got everyone killed. And then she had taken Dawn to a magic crack house and almost gotten her killed. Everything really was her fault.



        The reflection of the turquoise caught her eye as she looked up. Now she was just making things worse. Dawn hated her, Buffy didn’t really care, and Tara was all alone. Her head started shaking and she grabbed the necklace and threw it across the room. She didn’t deserve anything from Tara.



        ‘I’ll never get her back. She is right to have left me, I’m worthless. I never get anything right and would probably just hurt her more. Everyone would be better off without me.’



        Slowly she got up and went over to the trunk that held her witchcraft supplies. She opened it and found her athame and tested the blade. It was still sharp.



        She went into the bathroom and locked the door.



        ‘No-one will miss me. They’ll all be glad they don’t have to fix my mistakes. Maybe Tara will be able to look after Dawn. I wish I could hold her one last time, kiss her and see her smile. She’ll never smile at me again after what I did to her. She’ll probably hate me forever.’



        She got in the tub and turned on the warm water. After a few moments it was the same temperature as the tears streaking her face. She thought of the feel of Tara’s silken hair between her fingers, the soft, round face and brilliant blue eyes. She recalled the happiness they had brought each other, and how much she had hurt her. She thought of how much she loved Tara, and wished she could project that to her one last time, even if she didn’t want it.



        She held out her left arm and it hurt more than she expected but she barely noticed. All that mattered was the red flow of blood that slowly stained the water.



                        *                        *                        *



        Spike stood outside the Summer’s house under one of the trees in the back. He held the black trench coat up above his head with one hand and between that and the thick low clouds, the sun barely affected him. He shouldn’t have been out here, but bullocks, it was Christmas after all, wasn’t it? Yeah, he could have waited till nightfall, but that wasn’t the same was it? He always remembered Christmas morning being important, and if he was going to give them the presents clutched in his other hand in the morning he really should get on with it, shouldn’t he? Just sneak in the back, leave them on the kitchen table and then out again. Niblet might enjoy seeing him, but he wasn’t so sure about the Slayer. No reason to ruin everyone’s holiday with a confrontation. In and out, that would be best.



        The problem was, of course, that he did want to see the Slayer. See how she reacted to his gifts, though he could well imagine it. The pained expression that was muted from what it once had been. The statements of revulsion and never wanting anything he had ever touched. Maybe some hollow threats after that.



        He had just about made up his mind to sneak in the back when the door and window opened. He smelt smoke on the air and was about to head in when Dawn came out saying, “God, why couldn’t you have left instead of Tara?”



        She ran off the porch and pulled up short before running into him.



        “So what are you doing here?” She asked. “Aren’t you done with stalking Buffy?”



        “Now, now, no call to be nasty little bit,” he said. “You and your mates having a bit of a tiff, then?”



        “Not that it’s any of your business, but yes,” she replied and leaned over against the tree. “Why are adults so stupid? They always ruin everything.”



        Spike turned and stepped further into the faint shadows. “So who’s got you in such a glum mood? Is it Red and her bird still squabbling?”



        Dawn looked up in surprise and said, “how did you know?”



        “We worked together all summer. It was obvious the two were like your what, suregate, parents.”



        “Surrogate,” Dawn corrected.



        “Yeah, that’s it, surrogate parents. Now they’ve split and you miss the blonde and you blame Red, am I right?”



        “Well it’s all her fault. She chased Tara away somehow.” Dawn said kicking at large root. “And she was acting all weird, like a druggie or something.”



        “A little intoxicated with the mojo was she?” He asked and she nodded. “The real question is what are you going to do about it then?”



        Dawn stopped and looked up at the pale haired vampire, “Do, what am I supposed to do about it?”



        “The way I see it, they had a fight, you want them back, so what are you going to do about it? You can whine and complain but that won’t solve a bloody thing. Or, you can try and get them together again. Act like little miss match maker or do whatever it takes to settle the ruffled feathers.”



        “But I tried that at first but it didn’t help,” Dawn objected.



        “Yeah, but you didn’t have me helping then,” Spike said and shifted as the coat slipped and his hand started smoking. “Let’s get inside, it’s easier to talk without holding a coat over your head.”



        They went inside and found Buffy running the burnt cookies under the faucet, trying to stop the smoke. When she caught sight of Spike following Dawn in, a scowl crossed her face.



        “What are you doing here?”



        “Why does everyone treat me like the return of the Black Plague?” He asked while resettling his coat around his shoulders. “It just so happens that old Spike decided to bring a little Christmas cheer to the house. And not a moment too soon either, from the sound of things.”



        “It’s because no one wants to see you,” Buffy began.



        “Yeah, yeah and before you get into the ‘we don’t want anything from you’ routine just take them and I’ll be off,” Spike interrupted. “I was just going to leave them in the kitchen but you were all in here so I had to wait and then Niblet came out and almost ran right into me.”



        The vampire handed a short tapered package wrapped in red paper to Dawn and a smaller, rectangular one in green to Buffy. The Slayer reluctantly took it, holding the gift like something that would burn her. Before her sister could object, Dawn ripped into hers. A blackened stake that looked like it had once been the handle of a baseball bat was revealed.



        “Cool,” Dawn exclaimed.



        “Great, now you’re giving my little sister weapons. And you wonder why we don’t want you around,” Buffy stated.



        “Look, she’s almost sixteen and old enough to have some way of defending herself. You lot can’t always be around and there are way too many nasties in town. Besides, that’s not any old stake. It’s from the last Slayer I, um, killed.” Buffy crossed her arms and glared at Spike who continued. “When I took her coat it was in a sort of special stake sheathe, see right here.”



        Spike opened the coat to show them four thin pockets on each side, all perfectly sized to hold a stake.



        “Anyway, I kept it for some reason,” he faced Dawn, “and now it’s yours. It should remind you that anyone can die and that you always have to be careful.”



        “Wow, thanks,” Dawn said. “I am keeping it, right?”



        “Yes, fine,” Buffy replied. “So what’s this?”



        “Open it and find out.”



        She did as he said and discovered a small cell phone. She quirked an eyebrow at the vampire.



        “I have one too, the number is programmed in yours. If you need to get a hold of me you can. Besides, you probably should have some way of keeping in contact with the rest of your Scoobie club.”



        An odd look covered Buffy’s face and she was about to say something when Spike cut in, “Why do I smell blood?”



                        *                        *                        *



        Spike walked out of the kitchen into the dining area and sniffed. The smell was stronger here, but still fairly faint. He moved into the living room, senses as open and alert as they could be with Buffy and Dawn following behind.



        “It’s coming from upstairs, I think,” he finally announced.



        “Willow’s up there,” Buffy said and ran upstairs.



        She checked the witch’s room, but it was empty with no signs of a struggle save the necklace from Tara laying in the corner. She called out to her friend but got no answer.



        “Over here,” Spike called.



        She found him standing in the hallway standing outside the bathroom. The door was closed and locked when she checked. She called for Willow again and still got no answer. Worried over the lack of response she hit the door by the lock hard enough to force it open and rushed in.



        Willow lay in the tub partially filled with red water. Blood flowed from a deep cut on her left wrist and stained her hand which was trying to hold a slippery black handled knife. Several shallow cuts on her right wrist attested to her attempts to make a deep slash there. Tears streamed down her face and she quickly turned her head away from the group as they came through the door.



        “Keep away from me!” She shouted and swung the knife back towards them.



        “Will, no, what have you done?” Buffy asked too shocked to act immediately.



        “What’s happening?” Dawn asked from the back where she couldn’t see what was going on.



        Spike brushed past Buffy and deftly took the knife Willow was flailing about. His vampire visage unconsciously came out as he tossed the slick blade back into the hallway. The smell of the blood on the air had him enormously hungry. It had been a long time since he had tasted human blood. He shook himself and his features morphed back to normal.



        “Here now, none of that,” he said as he grabbed a towel and lifted Willow’s left hand above her head and clamped the towel over the wound. “Why would you want to go spilling all that lovely blood out where it can drive Spike crazy with hunger?”



        Willow tried to turn away and free herself from the iron grip holding her, both shamed and embarrassed to have been caught, and suddenly furious that they had stopped her.



        “Leave me be,” she sobbed wretchedly. “Why can’t you just let me die?”



        Buffy shook off her shock and went to Willow’s side and pulled her out of the tub. Water and blood splashed onto the floor and there was a wet squelch from her jeans and boots.



        “Oh my God, what’s wrong with her?” Dawn exclaimed.



        “She had a little accident and cut herself, go call 911,” Buffy ordered.



        “Accident my ass,” Spike said. “Red here tried to off herself. By the looks of things she didn’t lose that much blood. She should be fine after a couple days.”



        “Why? Why would you do that?” Dawn demanded.



        Willow started shaking and whimpered as Buffy hugged her while Spike kept the slashed wrist above her head.



        “Call 911 anyway and get some paramedics over here,” Buffy finally said and a frantic Dawn ran for the phone.



        Willow felt light headed and was losing feeling in her left hand. All she could think about was that she had messed this up too. She didn’t seem to be able to do anything right at all. At least Tara wasn’t here to see her like this.



        “Don’t...don’t tell Tara. Please don’t let Dawn call her. She can’t see me, not like this. I, I want her to be here but not because of this. Please don’t let her see me,” Willow babbled between sobs abruptly feeling drained and weak.



        “Let’s get her to her bed,” Buffy said and lifted the petite red-head’s feet off the ground.



        Spike kept one hand locked around the towel and used the other to grab her sodden sweater. They carefully maneuvered her out of the bathroom and down the hall to her bed leaving a red watery trail behind them. They placed her on the bed and Buffy wrapped the blanket and spread around the now shivering witch.



        “You better go and check on Niblet,” Spike said. “Make sure she doesn’t call Red’s bird and see how she’s taking it. If I recall she said some harsh things to Red when they parted.”



        “You don't think...” Buffy began and, at a glance from the vampire, hurried downstairs after her sister.



        Spike shook his head and wondered again how this lot had ever been able to stop him and Dru. Maybe the stodgy old watcher had been more useful than he had thought.



        “Spike? What are you doing here?” Willow asked slurrily.



        “Repaying a favor.”



        “You know you could finally have me now,” she said and shook her arm. “I’m cut and bleeding and all you’d have to do is drink. It’d taste good wouldn’t it?”



        Spike smiled for a second, but with none of the menacing gaze he used to show his victims. He slowly bent his head towards Willow’s arm. He used his teeth and free hand to tear off a dangling section of the towel and used it to wipe the tears off of Willows cheeks and the mucus from beneath her nose.



        After a moment he said, “Nice play, but I’m not game. You stopped me from making the biggest mistake of my undead life, and I won’t let you do the same. Let me guess, you miss your lady, blame yourself for driving her off, feel she’ll never come back to you. Probably down on yourself for dragging Buffy back and getting the little bit hurt, am I right?”



        Willow just nodded, amazed at the vampire’s insight.



        “Well bullocks to all that! I’m not going to tell you it’ll get better or the pain hurts less with time, though that’s all true. No, if you’d let me dust myself in Xander’s basement I would have missed a few of the greatest nights I’ve ever had,” Spike moved around so he faced Willow, her wrist still firmly grasped in his hand. “I would have missed something I would never have thought possible at the time, and which I’ll probably never recapture again if I live for two hundred years. That’s the thing. You never know where the future will take you. You still love Tara?”



        Willow nodded again and added, “As much as ever. I need her so badly.”



        “From what I’ve seen she still feels the same. As a matter of fact I’ve never seen anyone so devoted to another, and I’ve been around for a while. You want her than you go and fight for her. You do whatever it takes to win her back. You crawl, you beg, you plead or you do whatever it is she wants, what she needs from you.”



        “But...”



        Spike shook his head and said forcefully, “No buts. You have nothing to lose. It can’t get much worse than now can it? You can always dust yourself later. So, now you do whatever is necessary. And if that fails, bloody hell, maybe you go find that mongrel you used to hang with and give it a go with him again. Whatever. As long as you’re still alive you’re ahead. Find whatever happiness you can. There’ll be something to live each day for even if you have to search for it.”



        “So why did you try and, and dust yourself if you know so much?” Willow asked.



        “Me? I was just wallowing in self-pity. Nasty hole to get into, didn’t see any way out of it, but that was because I wasn’t looking hard enough. I just gave up and let everyone else win. I mean, can you see me, a natural born scrapper, the big bad, letting stupid emotions get the best of me? Even your Slayer couldn’t permanently do that. I owe you a debt, and I always pay up. Now, no more of that right?”



        Willow lay soaked in her own blood, her mind still worn from the emotional extremes she had been through, and realized she had never thought she would appreciate Spike’s presence like she did now. Maybe he was right and she had been a fool. She had had enough psyche to know that the books said suicide was just a cry for help. Maybe what she had needed was just a kick in the rear, someone to tell her it was OK to mess up and to continue on. She wanted Tara back more than anything else in the world, and it made no sense not to at least try. Besides, hadn’t she hurt Tara , Buffy and Dawn enough already without adding a holiday death to their burdens?



        Spike saw the play of emotions on the redhead’s face and figured that he had at least gotten through to her enough that she wouldn’t likely be a danger to herself again in the near future. Actually, he hoped the bloody paramedics would get here already. The smell was driving him bloody insane with hunger. Maybe, if he was lucky, he could zip back into the bathroom for a little nip before anyone drained it or noticed what he was up to. Buffy probably wouldn’t stake him for that, would she?



        Willow sighed, and wished again that Tara was with her. She wanted nothing more than to feel her arms around her and be able to drift off to sleep with her head nestled on her shoulder and her body pressed up against her. Spike was right about one thing at least. She loved Tara too much to let her leave without any attempt to win her back. To try and make up for the hurt she had caused.



        As the paramedics were ushered upstairs and into the room in a bustle of commotion and activity, Willow finally felt grateful for something this holiday. Maybe she did have some hope after all.

Here is the sequel. Normally it would take me a month to get something like this done, but I had 60% finished when I originally posted FCA. This isn't so dark, really. This is complete, though I think there will be a sequel again (though this time I haven't started it already.)



                                        Atonement



Author: Garner

Email: Garner502@yahoo.com

Feedback: Please, anything to help me improve.

Distribution: Post it where you want, just let me know.

Spoilers: Season 6 through Wrecked. If you haven’t seen Smashed or Wrecked this won’t make tons of sense.

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: W/T?

Disclaimer: Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy and those involved with the show. I have no right to any of them and make no money from this.

Summary: Sequel to First Christmas After. Willow deals with the fallout from her actions and tries to make up for what she did. Hopefully words like maudlin and sappy don’t come to mind.

Note: January/February 2002



        Willow lay in the Emergency Room while the doctor stitched up the slash in her left wrist. It turned out that she had cut deeper than they had first thought. Fortunately, the shallower incisions on her other wrist didn’t require similar treatment.



        “There’ll probably be a scar, but you should be all right now,” the doctor stated.



        ‘All right now,’ She thought, ‘not hardly. I’ve screwed things up royally.’ She sniffled a bit, and wiped her eyes with her right hand, but no new tears came.



        ‘God and goddess what was I thinking?’ She squirmed in the treatment bed. The doctor may have said something else to her, but she wasn’t paying attention. Buffy stood nearby and incongruously, Spike was there as well. Their presence barely registered.



        ‘I’m not that scared to die, but that was stupid. Talk about stereotypical actions. How am I ever going to face Buffy and Dawn again?’ Shame ebbed through her and her pale face darkened. She rubbed sweaty palms on the sheets.



        ‘OK, only positive thoughts, no blame. I acted like an idiot. Not that that seems to be anything new recently. I let everyone down but they probably don’t hate me because they’re my friends. They’ll understand.’ And then a nagging voice in the back of her mind had to add, ‘Yeah, right, the same way they supported you after Oz left?’



        But she thought that was different, back then the group was being torn in separate directions. Each of the Scoobies had had their own problems and individual issues to deal with. They were a lot closer now.

        ‘Or would be if I hadn’t been acting like a jerk!’



        “Will, Will, are you paying attention?” Buffy asked gently shaking the redhead’s shoulder.



        Willow still couldn’t bring herself to look at her friend. “Huh? No. What, what’s going on?”



        A very worried Xander and Anya came rushing into the room. Xander pushed to the other side of Willow’s bed and reached for her hand but stopped on seeing the stitches.



        “Will, are you OK? What happened? Were you attacked? Is Dawn all right?” He asked rapid fire.

        Willow’s face reddened again and she turned the other direction and closed her eyes. This was going to be a lot harder than she thought. How she wished she hadn’t tried to go through with it.



        “She’s going to be fine,” Buffy said. “No-one else was hurt.”



        “Just a bad kitchen accident,” Spike added.



        “Why is he here?” Xander asked. “Out for a little stalking, smelled the blood and decided to get a free sample?”



        “Yeah, that’s it. Got one?”



        Xander turned on Spike and took a step towards him. “If you had anything...”



        “Stop it!” Willow exclaimed sitting up, tears now running down her face. “I tried to kill myself, all right. Spike helped save me, so leave him alone!”



        Xander stopped short and turned back to the witch with a confused look on his face. “What? Huh? I don’t understand?”



        Willow was facing away again and the young man looked to Buffy who simply nodded. He moved back to Willow’s side and tried to take her hand, but she quickly jerked it away when she felt his touch.



        “Why would anyone want to kill themselves? That’s just stupid. Humans live for such a short time why end it early?” Anya stated. “Oh no! Did she botch a spell again? Are demons going to attack Xander? Are Buffy and Spike planning to get married?”



        Buffy looked down for a moment while Spike smirked.

        “Ahn, for god’s sake shut up,” Xander snapped, and then added more evenly, “Quiet sympathy time.”



        “Oh,” Anya stated looking confused and a bit hurt. After an awkward interval she faced Willow. “Please get better soon. Xander would be most upset if you died and since Tara hasn’t sent a vengeance demon after you I sure she isn’t holding any lasting grudges.” She smiled widely. “See, I can by sympathetic.”



        “Why don’t you check on Dawn in the waiting area,” Xander pleaded. “She seemed pretty upset too.”



        “Fine, get rid of the ex-demon and let the vampire stay,” Anya huffed as she left the room.



        Xander looked back at his lifelong friend and saw the pale skin, the drawn puffy face and the vibrant red cuts on her wrists. For a moment he thought Anya was right, why would anyone be stupid enough to try and kill themselves? Willow hadn’t seemed that upset when Tara left, at least nothing like after Oz split. He had just assumed that she would what? Weather the storm? Get over it? Basically, yes. He knew she had returned Amy to human form and that they had started hanging out together, but that was about it.



        Xander shook his head as his eyes misted a bit. When had they lost the closeness they had shared for so long? He used to think that he would always know what she was thinking, what was going on with her. Now though, she had been acting like a completely different person. Well, maybe not completely, but there were times recently. He shook his head again.



        “Will, help me understand what’s going on with you?” He said quietly. “You know I love you, we all do. So maybe you let the magic go to your head, got caught up in the power and made some mistakes. I think I can understand that, but it’s no reason to...to kill yourself.”



        He put his hand on Willow’s shoulder and could feel her shaking. She turned back to him and answered in a scratchy voice, “I, I did the worst thing possible. I hurt the one person who means more to me than anything. I violated her trust and made her fear me like she did the rest of her family. Then I hurt little Dawn. Even the rest of you were almost killed by the memory spell and I won’t even go into the resurrection spell. What we do is dangerous enough without me making things worse.”



        Willow sighed and tilted her head back in the pillow and closed her eyes. She felt drained and tired. Without opening her eyes she said, “Look, there’s no reason to ruin what’s left of the holiday for the rest of you. I’m very tired and need to sleep. I promise I won’t try and do that again, OK. If you want to help me home that would be good, but if you want to just leave me here that would be fine too.”



        Buffy spoke up, “Will, you’re coming home. Xander is right, we do love you and we won’t leave you alone here.”



        She went over and placed her hand on Willow’s other shoulder and gave her a gentle re-assuring squeeze.



        Willow felt she didn’t deserve her friends’ love and support, but was too numbed to protest or even start weeping again. She reached up and held both hands that rested on her and merely said, “Thanks guys.”





                        *                        *                        *





        Dawn fidgeted in her chair in the waiting room. She hated the hospital’s smell, a combination of cleanser and anti-septic, with an undertone of something else. Maybe it was the oppressive atmosphere. No-one came here if they could help it. Only those that were seriously sick, suffering, near the end of their lives. Or their well-wishers. Others who didn’t want to be there and hoped that they could get out as soon as possible.



        ‘How can anyone bear to work here?’ She thought and shuddered. ‘It’s so depressing and sort of scary. It’s like the last station before death.’



        She couldn’t believe she was here again. The last time was when... She ignored that thought and looked around for the hundredth time. The walls were all institution blue with occasional bland paintings placed to break up the monotony. An older couple waited in the same area. The man had short gray hair with a bit of black lingering like the last leaves of autumn, and a lined, care-worn face. He had on a light blue sweater over a yellow shirt and tan pants. He looked like he had dressed hurriedly. The woman, Dawn guessed it was his wife, had blonde hair also going gray. She wore a pink sweater over a floral print dress. Her make up was streaked from crying and her eyes were bloodshot. Dawn had heard that their son was hit by a drunk driver while on his way over for Christmas. They were waiting to see him, but at least the doctor had said he would live.



        She was still confused by Willow’s attempt at suicide. She kept telling herself it wasn’t her fault. She shouldn’t feel guilty. Willow could make her own choices, was responsible for her own actions. Yet, she had been ignoring the older girl. Giving her the cold shoulder and in truth trying to take her anger out on her.



        It just wasn’t fair. She had only wanted to go to the movies not some place with all sorts of smelly, repulsive rejects. Then they had almost gotten killed twice. She should be angry at Willow.



        Still, maybe she shouldn’t have been so mean? She had practically told her she hated her, goaded her into suicide.



        ‘I didn’t want her to kill herself, really. I was just pissed at her. She’s been so weird lately, acting like a big loser. God, how could she do that? She’ll never get Tara back like that.’



        For the thousandth time Dawn wished Tara were here. She always knew what to do. She was smart and nice. At least Tara paid attention to what she was doing. Yeah, she still sometimes treated her like a kid, and could get lost in Willow, but that was OK. Only Spike seemed to treat her like and adult. Now he was wicked cool. He knew instantly something was wrong and without him Willow probably would have died. He wouldn’t blame her for what happened, would he?



        “Hi there,” Anya said cheerily as she sat down next to Dawn. “How are you coping with Willow’s little accident? Don’t be glum, she’s doing fine and will probably be home in no time.”



        Dawn grunted and rolled her eyes. Why did they have to send Anya to check on her? So all right, she wasn’t that annoying, but still. She was surprised Xander could put up with her all the time.



        Anya continued to make small talk about the weather and how that would affect the rabbit population, about her upcoming wedding. Though Dawn normally would have found some excuse to get away, this time she welcomed the spirited blonde’s company. At least it took her mind off her feelings concerning Willow.





                        *                        *                        *





        The group minus Spike took a cab back to the Summer’s house. Everyone fussed over Willow, which, she had to admit, was kinda nice, but she felt she didn’t deserve it. If anything, she thought they should heap revulsions on her. They were kind and solicitous, and always asking how she was feeling; it gave her a glimpse of how they had probably treated Buffy when she was recently risen.



        ‘No wonder she felt trapped, all that pressure and attention from everyone meaning well and you can’t even snap back at them without seeming like a gigantic bitch,’ She almost laughed for a second as she thought, ‘Tara would say this is the threefold law in action.’ But the moment was bittersweet as images of her girlfriend came to mind.



        ‘How am I ever going to face her, tell her what happened? Assuming she even wants to see me ever again. With all the pain I’ve caused her I wouldn’t blame her a bit for spitting in my face.’



        “You sure you’ll be OK?” Xander asked once again upon noticing the dejected look on Willow’s face.



        “Yeah, I’ll survive,” she replied.



        Everyone threw coats onto the coach and Willow declined offers of food. She slowly made her way upstairs with Buffy and Xander hovering nearby. A damp trail still led from the bathroom to her room. As they entered she saw the bedspread and blankets were also sodden and stained a dark brown.



        “Oh,” Buffy said. “I forgot we didn’t clean anything up.”



        “That’s OK, if the mattress isn’t wet I’d kinda like to sleep in my own bed.”



        “I’ll change the blankets and stuff,” Xander offered as he moved past and began stripping the bed.



        Willow leaned tiredly against the wall while Buffy helped remove the soiled bedding. Willow looked at the dark stains. Her wrist was starting to sting, doubtless the prelude of more pain to come.



        ‘Great, now I’m a failed suicide, failed witch,’ her eyes were drawn to the box of Tara’s stuff that sat in the corner. ‘And maybe even a failed girlfriend.’



        She sighed deeply and Buffy and Xander instantly were by her side seeking to know if she was all right. She re-assured them again and they finished putting on fresh sheets. As he went to leave Xander tentatively hugged her.



        “Will, please never do that again,” he quietly pleaded. “I know Anya and I have been all wrapped up in this wedding thing, but if that caused me to shut you out, meant that I would lose you forever, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself.”



        “You shouldn’t worry so much about me,” Willow began but her friend quieted her with a gesture.



        “I know, but I do. Or at least I should have and I should have paid more attention, worried more. I’m going now, but if you need anything, you want to talk or just hang, whatever, I’ll make more time for you, I swear.”



        He hugged her again, tighter and a bit more fiercely and then quickly exited before anyone could see the moisture gathering in his eyes. Buffy sat on the edge of the bed without looking at Willow. The Slayer was quiet for awhile and then said to her best friend, “I am so sorry, Will...”



        “Buffy, don’t be,” Willow jumped in. “It’s not your fault. I’m the one who should be apologizing. I messed everything up.”



        As the redhead sat on the other side of the bed, Buffy stated, “I’m supposed to be your best friend. I should have noticed something. I...I just wasn’t paying attention. If you need anything, feel depressed again, you’ll tell me won’t you?”



        “Yes, I promise. No more suicide attempts, I’m a death free girl now,” Willow responded trying to act more cheerful than she felt. The attempt must have worked as Buffy seemed satisfied and proclaimed her love and support once more as she left.



        Willow finally sat alone for the first time since she cut herself. She was drained, exhausted and oddly unsure of how she felt. What would have happened if Spike hadn’t been in the house? She would be dead and perhaps that really would be worse. Feeling suddenly very cold, she changed into her warmest pajamas thinking that either way she had imposed even more pain on her friends. Their concern for her was obvious and it did help, but she still missed Tara and a great sorrow sucked at her heart. Spike was right. She would have to do whatever it took to win Tara back. She needed the blonde more than ever. She needed the one person who always made her feel special, wanted and loved.



        She went over to the box of Tara’s stuff and searched through it for one of her blouses and took it with her back to the bed. She crawled back under the sheets and held the shirt to her face trying to at least recapture the smell of her missing lover.



        ‘How much more pathetic can I get?’ she thought but really didn’t care. She pressed the cloth to her face and it seemed for a moment that Tara was still with her. She could smell her fine hair and almost feel the warmth and solace her presence always provided. With the phantom memories of Tara’s body snuggled up against her, she finally fell asleep.





        Willow awoke the day after Christmas to aching wrists and sweat soaked sheets. For a moment she felt completely empty and at a loss for what to do. She fully remembered the previous day and the despair that had gripped her. Tara’s blouse remained clutched in her hand, the fabric soft against her cheek. She still felt sad, but it was not the overwhelming variety that would hurtle her towards despair.



        She had no idea how she was going to make things better with Tara. She didn’t even know where she was staying. Not the dorms, they would be closed, maybe a hotel, but that would quickly get expensive. Maybe an apartment, but those could be very hard to find, even in Sunnydale where sudden vacancies were the norm. And then she couldn’t be sure that Tara would want to meet with her.



        She sighed deeply and tried to remember when her life had gone to Hell. She had been so proud of her witchcraft, of being able to help Buffy and not just get in the way all the time. When had that led her into trouble? Was it the pride? That was one of the deadly sins after all. She had been of use before that, helping Giles with research. It was just that without the magic she had felt small and helpless. Some sort of Slayer groupie that certainly didn’t belong there.



        She had met Tara because of magic; at the Wiccan group they were the only two who had any inclination for real spells. Would they still have made the connection they had without it? But, if she hadn’t met Tara she might have made up with Oz when he returned. How different would her life have been then?



        ‘It’s too bad you can’t peek into alternate realities to see how things would have turned out if you made different choices,’ she mused gloomily. Of course with magic it might be possible to do just that, but she had absolutely no compulsion to do so at the moment.



        ‘I don’t think I’ll ever use magic on a whim again.’



        She still didn’t see how it had come to that. Using magic as a convenience, reveling in the power. When had the magic become an end to itself? Sometime after they had defeated Glory most likely. When Tara had been mindsucked she had been furious, enraged beyond reason. She had called on dark powers and they had answered her. Suddenly magic had been much easier, her abilities that much greater. True, she had been a big part in weakening Glory so Buffy could defeat her, and she had been able to restore Tara’s sanity, but at what cost?



        ‘I think that is when I lost sight of what was important. Buffy was dead, Tara still reeling from the after effects. Even Giles had been despondent and listless.’



        She had carried a lot of the burden for the group and the magic had made coping seem possible. It had allowed her to try and make things better. Maybe that was the rationalization she had used to justify her actions. It was possible that the dark forces had been influencing her. She couldn’t remember the last time she had done a cleansing. But, no, true or not that was just another attempt to shift the blame. It was her fault and hers alone. She had been weak and allowed her darker nature to control her actions. It was no wonder Tara left her.



        ‘So what am I going to do about it? How do I make amends for everything? I’ve had a lot of psyche, why doesn’t anything come to mind? Maybe there is no way to make up for what I’ve done.’ She shook herself unwilling to let that be true. She had to be able to do something.



        Maybe give up witchcraft? There must be some way to bind her power or get rid of it. Tara would trust her again if she couldn’t cast any spells, wouldn’t she? But maybe that was just running away again? Using a spell to solve a problem involving magic seemed wrong. Besides, Tara had complained that she was fixing things to her own liking and never taking anyone else’s views into account. What if this was more of the same?



        ‘That’s a lot of maybes,’ she thought miserably. By this point her stomach was queasy and she was sweating and nervous again. Magic had given her confidence and allowed her to act. Bam, you fixed the problem. She rubbed her palms on the sheets and held Tara’s blouse to her again. Maybe she did want to stay in bed and avoid everyone, but that wouldn’t get Tara back or make up for the pain she had caused.



        ‘Enough! I can’t live like this. All I care about is Tara. I just have to do something, anything. I know I have a problem, that is the first step in solving it, right? Those self help twelve step groups say that and what else? Apologize to those you’ve wronged or hurt? That’s probably like, the bare minimum I could do. Tara and Dawn both deserve a lot more. I wish I could remember what the other steps were, but at least I have a place to start from.’



        She wondered if she had her resolve face on. She hoped she did. She was going to need it because it still took a great deal of effort to throw off the covers and get up and head to the bathroom. At the sight of the tub she stood there transfixed and shuddered a bit. After a moment she noticed a small reddish brown splotch on the shower curtain. Everything seemed to spin for a moment and then she bolted to the toilet and vomited.



        When the heaves finally subsided she flushed and turned back to the bathtub.



        “God I was so stupid,” she said out loud. “I will never go there again!”



        “Will, is that you? Are you all right?” Buffy asked from outside the room.



        Willow flushed in embarrassment though Buffy obviously couldn’t see her. She replied, “Yeah, I’m just a little nauseous this morning.”



        “Morning? It’s like the middle of the afternoon,” Buffy said incredulously. “I’m coming in.”



        The door opened and the Slayer walked in and found Willow standing by the toilet looking ill at ease. The two stared at each other for an awkward moment and then Buffy embraced her friend, gently at first but then with more force.



        “I thought we were trying to avoid a dead me,” Willow squeaked. She could have sworn she heard something crack or pop.



        “Sorry, sorry,” Buffy said backing up and letting the redhead breathe once again. “It’s just that I really have missed you. I know you’ve been here and so have I, but I don’t think we’ve been able to hang out or talk like we used to.”



        Willow shook her head and felt her eyes mist up. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I’ve been worse than Cordelia ever was. I go all Joan Crawford on you and you’re sorry. I wish it hadn’t happened or that I had been stronger but...”



        “Will, it’s OK,” Buffy interrupted. “I know you thought you were doing me a favor when you brought me back.”



        “No, Buffy, I was being selfish. I couldn’t handle it without you here. Everyone was so, I don't know, dismal? It was like we were all sleep walking and I had to keep everyone together. The magic just kept making things easier and more bearable. I guess I stopped asking what anyone else wanted and just set things the way I wanted them. Tara and Xander thought it was a bad idea but I guilted them into it.”



        “Do you wish you hadn’t gone through with it?” Buffy asked softly.



        Willow opened her mouth but nothing came out. She shut it and stared at her friend. How did she feel?



        “I, I don’t know,” she began. “I mean I am glad that you are back and all, but what I did to you, ripped you from heaven. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me for that. If all the pain and suffering you’re going through is just because I couldn’t handle things, because I was selfish, well then this is the least I deserve.” Willow raised her left hand showing the puckered red gash. “What I wish is that I had thought things through a bit more clearly. Listened to Tara. I’m supposed to be research gal and I didn’t even stop to investigate where you might be, I just wanted you back.”



        “You couldn’t have known.”



        “Yeah, actually I could have. It’s not that hard to talk with a dead loved one, especially if you have something of theirs. I never stopped to consider that there might be any other options or possibilities,” and now a few tears did start down Willow’s cheeks. “Oh, Buffy, I am sorry. I’m glad you are back and now I feel awful for that. If I had known...”



        Buffy held Willow again unsure herself how much she blamed Willow for what happened. Obviously she hadn’t come back the same. Spike proved that in so many different ways. But she also remembered how glad she was when Angel came back. How relieved she’d been when she realized that her death, not Dawn’s, could shut the dimensional hole. Dying really was the easy part, living was much more difficult.



        “We all do stupid or selfish things when we’re hurt and in pain,” she said as she released her friend. “I’ve done my share of both, and probably will again. But, I do forgive you. Deep down you thought you were helping me.”



        “But...”



        “No. No, buts. What’s done is done. We can’t change that, we just have to live with the way things are and make the best of it,” Buffy smiled and went on, “You know if you had come to me and asked if I wanted that forgetting spell I probably would have said yes then.”



        “But not now?”



        “No, not now. That’s the easy way out and I’m too used to doing things the hard way.” They both laughed a bit at that and Willow wiped her face clear. “See, we’re both laughing and making with the merry.”



        The small half smile on Willow’s lips faltered as she thought of Tara again. Apologizing and talking to Buffy did make her feel better and she wanted to see Tara while her confidence was still strong. She wanted to see her face again so much, and yet was afraid that that might be the last time. Or worse that Tara wouldn’t be able to forgive her or didn’t love her anymore and wouldn’t want anything to do with her. Seeing rejection in Tara’s eyes would kill her.



        “Do you know where Tara is staying?” She asked.



        Buffy looked sheepish and said, “Umm, no, not really. I’m sorry Will but I have been too lost in my own world and didn’t keep in touch with her. I think Dawn has her number though.”





                        *                        *                        *





        Tara hurried down the street, walking quickly so she would get back to her apartment before it got much darker. She had decided that she needed to get out for at least little while and that maybe the Lord of the Rings movie would help get her mind off things. The theater had a 1:30 PM showing for the holiday season and she thought she could get back before nightfall. She really didn’t want to have to walk around her new neighborhood in the dark.



        The movie hadn’t helped of course. If anything, she felt worse and perhaps more confused than she had before. Willow had been pretty excited about the film and had talked about going all fall, so maybe that’s why she couldn’t get her mind off her girlfriend.



        ‘Who am I kidding? I still miss her and that was something we would have done together. I shouldn’t have bothered.’



        If they had gone together Willow would have made quiet comments throughout and then afterwards they would have stopped at one of the coffee houses and she would have critiqued and picked the whole thing apart; told her where the book was better and what the film did wrong. She always liked to over-analyze anything they saw.



        Tara smiled slightly and turned towards the poorer section of town. The streets were almost vacant and less clean now and she tried to pay attention to her surroundings and not look like a victim.



        While she was in the dark theater she had come to a disturbing realization. She wasn’t sure what had triggered it, but she was positive she had let Willow down when she needed her most.



        ‘Damn it, all this isn’t my fault!’ She tried to convince herself. ‘But, I didn’t give her the support she needed. What kind of person am I if I can’t even help my lover when she desperately needs my support?’



        Willow had been there for her twice when things had gotten bad. Once, when she had misused magic to blind the Scoobies to all demons, and she had known better even though she was desperate, and almost gotten them killed. She smiled as she remembered how Willow hadn’t hesitated for a second to come to her defense. And then after Glory had sucked her mind, Willow had taken care of her, fed her like a child, somehow managed to keep going through whatever heartache she was feeling, even though the last thing they did was have a big fight.



        She shuddered and pulled her light coat closer around her as she recalled the dark place Glory had cast her into, the squirming things always just out of sight, the feeling of being dirty and ashamed.



        Willow could have given up, left her in the hospital ward with all the other crazy people. But she didn’t.



        ‘And how do I repay her? Did I say anything about how much magic she was using? Did I try and talk with her about the consequences of using too much? Damn it, I know better. Mother taught me when I was young to respect the natural balance and not use magic like a mere tool, but Willow didn’t have anyone helping her. She did it all alone. How could I have been so stupid?’



        By the time she had finally spoken up it was way too late. Why hadn’t she said something sooner? Tried to get her to slow down?



        Glass broke somewhere across the street behind her and she quickly looked up and back. Her pulse quickened as two men talking loudly threw a bottle against the curb and climbed into a rusting car. Its headlights suddenly lit the dusk and with a belch of smoke and rattling engine it hurtled by her and out of sight at the next corner. Tara took a deep breath and then started walking towards home again.



        ‘That’s not home, my home should be with Willow.’



        She still wasn’t sure why she hadn’t tried to help her more or sooner. Mostly she was afraid. Afraid that Willow wouldn’t listen to her, that they would fight again and that she would leave her. Afraid that Willow would think she was ungrateful, and decide being with her wasn’t worth the hassle.



        ‘After what Glory did I really needed her. I was so afraid of being alone, of having no-one that I didn’t want to give her any more problems.’



        And Willow was in a sort of shock herself due to Buffy’s death. She hadn’t wanted to add to that burden. Her love had seemed so hurt and despondent. Sometimes it felt like she would just give up and crumple under the pressure of leading the group and Tara hadn’t wanted to make things worse. The idea of bringing Buffy back had been so important to Willow, given her purpose and direction that she hadn’t had the heart to significantly slow things down or get her to examine all the options.



        ‘I was weak and let my emotions override my better judgment. If I had said something that summer, tried earlier to work with her more maybe all this wouldn’t have happened.’



        As the summer came to an end and the spell was done, she still hadn’t spoken up. By then it was obvious something was wrong but she just couldn’t bring herself to call Willow on it. Maybe she was afraid that she would use magic on her then, or maybe she already had. Some spell to keep her quiet and compliant? Tara didn’t think that was the case, but she also wasn’t entirely positive. Willow had frightened her then because she didn’t know what she would do, how she would react.



        ‘I still should have said or done something earlier,’ she thought as she entered her apartment building. ‘I could have asked Giles for help, gotten his advice. He knows a lot about magic, maybe together we could have convinced her.’



        She took her keys from her purse and opened the door. Miss Kitty bounded over and meowed and rubbed against her leg. Tara bent down and picked the purring feline up and rubbed her face in the soft fur.



        “Hi Miss Kitty,” she said. “Did you miss me? Are you hungry?”



        She turned on the light and moved to the kitchen area. A roach ran off the counter and out of sight behind it. She grimaced and got a can of cat food from the cupboard and filled Miss Kitty’s bowl. She couldn’t leave food out for long as it attracted more roaches, so she knelt down and watched the cat eat. A loud bang came from the apartment next door and the first echoes of the couples’ nightly recriminations drifted through the thin wall.



        She sighed and gently stroked Miss Kitty’s back. She knew this mess wasn’t all her fault. Willow wasn’t stupid and she should have known better than to use magic on her. When she had discovered that she had been mad, scared, and hurt. How could she have done that to her? But now she no longer felt the anger so much. She couldn’t shake the sense of being partially responsible, of having let down the most important person in her life. Nothing had ever been harder than leaving Willow.



        At the time she’d had no choice. She’d needed to be strong and she had been, barely. The outrage and sense of betrayal had fueled her. Why hadn’t she found that same strength earlier? What was she supposed to do now? She couldn’t think of any way she could make things better. She still loved Willow, she was certain of that, but she couldn’t, wouldn’t, live in fear again.



        ‘But it feels like I’m wrapped in cotton and everything is muted and distant. What difference does anything make? I failed my Willow, and now I may have lost her for good. Goddess why couldn’t I have been stronger earlier? What am I going to do now?’



        For the first time in several years she thought about seeking her mother’s spirit once more for comfort and advice.





                        *                        *                        *





        By the time Willow had showered, dressed and headed downstairs it was getting dark. She couldn’t believe she had slept most of the day, and the odd thing was she still felt tired and worn out. She was also pretty hungry and hoped to find something decent in the fridge.



        The downstairs living room was dimly lit by a single lamp, but brighter light came from the dining area. Willow entered the room and saw that Dawn was talking on the phone with one of her friends. Willow gave a half hearted smile and passed through into the kitchen. At least Dawn hadn’t glared at her or turned away.



        She opened the refrigerator door and looked inside, but saw nothing enticing.



        ‘Lunch meat, nooo. Hot dogs, yech! The lettuce looks two weeks old, and I don’t want to guess what’s in that container.’



        She sighed and reached for some fruit juice. She was hungry but everything seemed bland or boring. She wanted something but couldn’t decide what. She poured the juice into a glass and returned the jar. Alone in the faint last light of evening, she looked out the kitchen door into the back yard and drank slowly.



        It would be easy to cast a spell and summon something interesting. She sighed again watching as dusk failed and the darkness deepened. She hoped Tara was someplace safe, maybe playing with Miss Kitty or reading some of the French literature she liked. Would she be thinking of her? Maybe wishing that Willow was with her? Or, was she just thankful that she had gotten out while she could? Perhaps a little sad, but mostly angry and betrayed by the person who she had trusted implicitly. Was it too late? Had she done too much damage to ever repair? Her juice seemed more acidic than it should have.



        The kitchen light went on momentarily startling and blinding her.



        “What are you doing here in the dark?” Dawn asked.



        Willow turned to the teenager and was struck by how young she looked. ‘Were we really that age when we first started helping Buffy and hunting vampires? It seems so long ago, like we’ve been doing this forever.’



        “Well, can’t you even say something to me?” Dawn prompted more angrily this time.



        “I,” Willow began and then faltered. “I don’t know what to say Dawnie. Are you all right? You know I didn’t mean for you to get hurt.”



        “Didn’t mean? Why did you have to go there? Why couldn’t we have just gone to the movie like you said?” Dawn moved closer and her voice kept getting louder.



        “I’m sorry Dawn. I don’t know what I was thinking. I just, just couldn’t control myself,” Willow began.



        “That’s it? That’s all you’ve got to say? You scared me! I thought you had everything, a cool girlfriend, magic powers, everything. Why would you need to go someplace like that? And then you started acting so weird and your eyes were all black and you seemed like some sort of alky or junkie or something,” Dawn moved closer to Willow and hysterical tears started forming in her eyes. “I want things back the way they were, with you and Tara both here, with no-one casting spells on anyone and no-one trying to kill themselves!”



        Dawn flung herself at Willow who caught the teen and held her close while her arms flailed at the redhead.



        “I didn’t want you to kill yourself,” Dawn sobbed. “I hate this! It’s just like when Dad left.”



        “Dawnie, it’s OK, it wasn’t your fault,” Willow said soothingly. “Look, I know you were angry at me and you had a perfect right to be. I was acting like an idiot. Don’t be sorry, I’m the one to blame.”



        Dawn’s struggles subsided but she kept on weeping against Willow’s shoulder. She continued to hold the young girl and said, “I drove Tara away. I abused her trust and betrayed her. She did the right thing, the only thing she could. Look at me,” Willow pushed Dawn back and held her chin up. “I wanted to die because I missed her so much, because I was ashamed of what I had done to her, and to you. I couldn’t think of anyway she would ever forgive me and I gave up. It was stupid and I shouldn’t have done it. I was weak and a coward.”



        Dawn sniffled and wiped her cheeks and nose on her sleeve. She looked back at Willow and said, “So, so it wasn’t me?”



        “No, you were just angry and confused and taking it out on me. I love you Dawn. I’ll always care for you. If I had remembered that earlier none of this would have happened. I’m the one that needs to ask for forgiveness. Can you forgive me?”



        “I don’t know,” Dawn started, at first thinking Willow deserved some teasing, but at the crestfallen look on the witch’s face, she hastily added, “OK, yes, yes, I forgive you. As long as you and Tara get back together, that is.”



        The two hugged again and Willow said, “I want nothing more than to have Tara back, but you know that’s not entirely up to me now. I hurt her and scared her even more than you. She...she may not want to come back to me.”



        “But, she loves you still, I know it,” Dawn protested.



        Willow shook her head. “Sometimes that’s not enough, Dawnie. You know that. Buffy and Angel had to be apart despite their love for each other.” Dawn gave her a hurt and accusatory glare and Willow paused for a moment before going on. “That doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to work things out. I want her back too.



        Dawn finally smiled and said, “Good and I’ll help. She’ll listen to me because if she doesn’t I’ll cry right in front of her. She’s a softy and that’ll work for sure.”



        “You’ll do no such thing, young lady,” Willow scolded. “No more manipulations or magic, even if it is just a little girl’s tears.”



        “Who you calling a little girl?” Dawn exclaimed. “I’m almost sixteen, and that’s the same age...”



        She trailed off at the playful smile on Willow’s face and was about to retaliate in some surely devastating manner when they heard Xander and Anya calling from the front entryway. Dawn wiped her face off once more and then the two girls went and greeted the others. Xander brought pizza and news that they had run into Buffy who was still patrolling and would be back later.



        After assuring Xander that she was doing fine, they ate in the dining room. Anya, and Xander to a lesser extent, talked about their wedding plans. They also observed that Buffy’s nightly patrols seemed to be taking longer and longer lately and wondered if this foretold some new big evil.



        Willow barely touched the food, her stomach still not entirely settled. She felt somewhat better, but also anxious and restless. Tara’s absence pressed on her. There was still some sadness, but mostly a feeling of needing to go to her, and be with her. She didn’t think the blonde was in any danger or anything like that. She just had a sense of incompleteness and unresolved issues that fluttered distractingly around her.



        “Will, are you doing OK?” Xander asked again, noticing his friend’s agitated state.



        “Hmmn,” Willow queried broken out of her mind’s wanderings.



        “You’re all better now right?” Anya asked. “We don’t need to hide the knives and other sharp implements do we? I don’t want Xander to cry a lot, again.”



        “Ahn,” Xander groaned embarrassed and angry. “Please don’t tell them everything I do when they’re not present.”



        “Oh, like this isn’t the oldest story in the book,” The ex-demon said rolling her eyes. “One lover leaves so you use the big sympathy ploy to swoop back and steal an old boyfriend back. You can’t have him, he’s mine. We’re getting married.”



        Anya put one arm protectively around Xander and displayed her engagement ring like a talisman against the redhead. Willow should have been pissed at Anya’s tactlessness, but for some reason saw nothing but humor in her actions. She started laughing.



        “No swooping here, really,” she managed to get out.



        “Who’s swooping?” Buffy asked as she and Spike entered the dining room.



        “Willow,” Dawn said.



        “Apparently Anya thinks she’ll use the situation to steal me from her,” Xander added.



        Spike grinned mischievously. “Aahh, nothing like a bit of good spot of romantic rivalry to get the juices flowing. That’ll get you back into the swing of things. Good play, Red.”



        “Way to rebound, Will,” Buffy stated.



        “Hey!” Anya cried looking hurt at the Slayer and Spike. “Xander, they’re picking on me, make them stop.”



        Everyone but Anya started laughing and no-one heard her “Humph,” of outrage. After a few moments they settled down.



        “Seriously though, Will,” Xander said. “You’ll never do that again, right?”



        “I’ve had my Winona Ryder phase and will never pass there again,” she replied. “So what are you two doing here? I thought you were on patrol?”



        Buffy looked at Spike and her face reddened a little.



        “I wanted to make sure you were all right before doing the other side of town.”



        Spike smirked, raised an eyebrow and said, “Yeah, cause you can never tell who’s being done...for on the other side of town.”



        Buffy glowered at the vampire but everyone else ignored the comment.



        “Thanks for the checkup, but I think I’m doing fine, relatively speaking that is,” Willow stated. “I just need to see Tara sometime, soon.”



        “Yeah, well don’t put it off. It only gets harder the longer you wait, trust me,” Spike said.



        Willow nodded and after a brief report on the lack of encounters during the first half of their patrol, Buffy and Spike left.



        Willow knew the vampire was right, but now felt even more tired. The restlessness was still present in the background, but not enough to stifle a long yawn. She still didn’t know what she would say or do to try and make things better with Tara. She got the phone number from Dawn, but couldn’t bring herself to call. It wasn’t that late but she didn’t want to disturb her girlfriend. Besides, they needed to meet face to face, not talk over the phone.



        After a short bit of small talk Willow excused herself and wearily made her way back to her room. She sighed as she saw Tara’s shirt that she had held the night before. She wished Tara were here now to tuck her in and snuggle up against her. She missed the quiet moments when they cuddled before going to sleep most of all.



        She quickly got dressed for bed and put the blouse back in its box. She crawled under the covers and resolved that tomorrow she would meet with Tara for sure. She fell asleep almost instantly.





        Wakefulness slowly came to Willow. Her wrists throbbed dully but somehow a satisfying feeling pervaded throughout her. She seemed to recall having gone to Tara’s apartment just off UCS campus. She had apologized to the beautiful blonde witch and vowed never to cast another spell again. Tara had been overwhelmed by her sincerity and the love in her voice. They had embraced, kissed longingly and spent a wonderful day together. When they had gotten home they had snuggled in bed and fallen into a contented sleep. She sighed deeply, the memory of Tara lying beside her seemed so real. She wanted nothing else right now.



        ‘You still haunt my dreams,’ she thought, now almost fully awake. ‘If only it were that easy.’



        The problem was, she doubted it would be. She still didn’t have a plan or any inkling of what she would finally say. First off, she would have to find out where Tara was staying. That would be a simple matter of hacking into the phone company records and finding the address for the phone number. Then what?



        ‘I need to show her I’m serious and start to win back her trust somehow. Assuming she doesn’t slam the door in my face, of course. No, I have to assume that there’s still something between us. If there isn’t then...’



        She stopped that line of thought by looking at the clock. Only ten in the morning, so this time she hadn’t slept the day away. She occupied herself with getting up, seeing to her morning needs and taking a shower. As the hot water coursed over her, she once again addressed the problem of what she could do.



        ‘I need a plan and I need to find out what options I’ve got. A little research at the Magic Box, I think. Sorta get back to my roots, maybe even start thinking like I used to before things went crazy. I can’t believe how nervous I am, what if this doesn’t work?’



        She knew she had to be prepared for rejection or hostility, but she also felt that going to see Tara with a negative outlook wouldn’t help either. She had to be positive.



        After toweling off she took a couple aspirins to hopefully calm the raging headache that threatened to incapacitate her before she began. She dressed, deciding on a long blue sweater as well so no one would see her scars. On the way downstairs to find something to eat, she heard music blasting from Dawn’s room and smiled. At least someone was enjoying part of their break. However, when she got to the kitchen she found Dawn looking through a magazine with a mostly full bowl of cereal sitting beside her.



        “What are you doing down here?” Willow asked. “I thought you were upstairs listening to music?”



        Dawn looked up sheepishly and said, “I left that on? I just came down to find some juice, and when I had poured a glass I realized I was hungry and so got some cereal and then saw a neat article and forgot I had left the CD player on.”



        Willow laughed. “Meaning you hoped that the noise would wake Buffy or me so someone would cook you breakfast.”



        “Busted. Was my master plan a success?”



        “Well, not entirely. Buffy is still asleep and I didn’t notice until I was on my way down. You might raise the volume some more next time. Or, oh, here’s a radical idea, try knocking and waking one of us and asking for breakfast. You know, try the old frontal assault.”



        “That never works, besides, it would be too easy,” Dawn replied smiling.



        Willow felt her headache receding and her spirits rise. It really did look like Dawn forgave her and the normal, everyday interaction felt good.



        “I’ll tell you what. I don’t think I’m up to pancakes, but how about some scrambled eggs and only slightly singed bacon?”



        “Sounds better than what I’m having now.”



        Willow went about getting breakfast ready, and shortly the two were sitting at the counter eating. Dawn kept looking at the stitches on Willow’s left wrist.



        “Does that hurt? I don’t think I could ever cut myself like that,” The young girl said shuddering.



        “It’s not so bad now,” Willow responded. “When I...did it, I, I thought it would hurt more. I don’t know, I wasn’t really thinking too clearly then. Promise me one thing Dawn, no matter how bad you think things are, or how much you think we’re ignoring you, come and talk, yell, whatever, at me before you do something like that.”



        “I will, I promise,” Dawn said earnestly. “Besides, these days all the cool people OD on something.”



        “Dawn!”



        “All right, bad joke,” Dawn said and then continued in a quieter tone after a slight pause, “Are you going to see Tara today?”



        “I mean to, probably tonight,” Willow replied, though trepidation rose up at that thought. “Do, do you think she still loves me?”



        “Yes, I know it. She always seems so sad since she left. Can I help?”



        Willow started clearing their plates and rinsing them in the sink. She hoped that Dawn was right, but also felt guilt, again, at what she was putting Tara through.



        Finally she said, “If I can think of anyway you could I wouldn’t hesitate to ask, but I think this has to be between Tara and me. You know I did some awful things and we’ll just have to see what happens. I wish I could promise more, but I can’t.”



        “At least you aren’t lying to me about it,” Dawn said and went upstairs to shut off her CD player while Willow did the dishes.



        When she had finished, the redhead got her laptop and started hacking. She was a little rusty and it took a bit longer than she had expected. She didn’t recognize the address, but thought it was near the poorer section of town. This bothered her quite a bit.



        Buffy finally came by, and while the slayer ate lunch, the two talked about nothing in particular. Buffy was still worried about money and earning an income to ensure Dawn’s future, and Willow suddenly realized that she wasn’t really contributing anything.



        “I, I never offered to pay rent or anything did I?” She asked, a whole new realm of guilt opening to her.



        “No, but don’t worry about it, Will. I can handle it,” Buffy replied.



        “That’s not the point. What sort of friend am I? Just another big freeloader. I mean, I would be paying for housing at the university so it’s only right I should chip in something here. You know that between my parents and my scholarship I can afford to help out.”



        Buffy reluctantly agreed and they decided to settle on an amount later, after Willow went through her finances. She then asked what her friend’s plans for the day were.



        “Don’t freak out, but I need to do some research over at the Magic Box,” Willow said, afraid Buffy would take it the wrong way. “I’m not going to cast any spells or anything. I just need to research a few things, make sure there are no long term effects from some of the spells I did.”



        The lie came easily, before she could even think about it. The guilt came next and she hurried to amend, “Well, all right, that’s not exactly true. The part about no spells is, ‘cause I’m a spell free gal now, totally. But, I want to check on a few spells in particular, check my options as it were. And I don’t know if it can be done and I want to research before I say anything, but I really really promise it isn’t anything I’ll do without telling everyone and letting you stop me if it’s a bad idea.”



        “Will, breathe, calm down. If you have to research some magic stuff and it’s important than do it. If you don’t think you can handle it then don’t do it. The choice is yours. Giles made it clear that we have to stand on our own and make our own decisions, right or wrong.”



        “So you’re not worried?”



        “Yeah, I’m very worried. I don’t want to see you slip back. I don’t want you to suffer anymore. But I’m not your mom and I can’t monitor you twenty-four seven. The temptation will always be there and only you can beat it,” Buffy put her hand on Willow’s shoulder and added, “But if you need to talk, or feel yourself tempted you can come to me any time. I’ll do what I can.”



        Willow gripped Buffy’s hand. “Thanks. I know you’ll help.”



        They continued to talk about mundane things for a while longer. As she cleaned up, Buffy decided to accompany Willow down to the store. They walked there still talking and entered together.



        “Hello Magic Box customers, please...” Anya started cheerily, but then stopped. “Oh, it’s only you two. You never comes here to spend money anymore. Where’s the holiday spirit?”



        “Will’s trying not to cast spells anymore, remember?” Buffy stated.



        “Yeah, but she was one of our best customers, at least when she paid,” Anya whined. “Can’t she continue to buy stuff even if she isn’t going to use it? How am I supposed to make a profit? These are the retail slump days you know!”



        “Hello, right here,” Willow protested. “You can talk directly to me.”



        “Sorry, please don’t do anything drastic, I didn’t mean to slight you,” Anya said, clearly looking at Willow. “No one else is as good at the boring research now that Giles is gone. Besides, we need you for the wedding. There are supposed to be maids honoring me.”



        “Apology accepted,” Willow replied brightly.



        “So why are you here, then?” Anya asked.



        “I need to do a little boring research. I won’t take anything though, I promise,” Willow responded.



        “I’m tagging along, thought maybe you could tell me about the wedding plans so far,” Buffy stated.



        “What a wonderful thing to ask. I have many magazines with a variety of styles and choices. You can help me select which to choose from.”



        “Wow, I knew you were braver than me,” Willow muttered so only Buffy could hear.



        While Buffy endured Anya’s excited run down of the advantages and disadvantages of various centerpieces and place settings, Willow started through some of the spell books that she hoped contained the information she sought. It took her the rest of the afternoon and a bit of the evening to find what she wanted, and to make appropriate notes. By that time Anya was anxious to leave, Buffy having already departed to prepare dinner for Dawn.



        Willow felt more at peace throughout the process than she had since Tara left. She really did enjoy the challenge of finding obscure material and successfully putting all the relevant information together in a concise whole. However, now that the task was completed, her nervousness returned. This was not just anyone she wanted to go see, but Tara. The person she cared about most in the entire world and the one she had hurt the most. She still more than half expected to be angrily rebuffed.



        ‘Remember what Spike said, after Christmas I have nothing to lose. I could be dead. Since I’m not, there is some chance, no matter how small.’



        That didn’t seem like much comfort, but with Anya waiting impatiently...actually for Anya she was waiting pretty patiently. She hadn’t said a snide remark or anything. Willow gathered up her notebook and after thanking the ex-demon for hanging around started walking to Tara’s new apartment.



        As Willow got closer to the address she became increasingly more nervous and agitated. This couldn’t be right. The area was full of rundown homes stacked close together, old cars in poor repair, and what few shops were present all had metal grates over the doors and windows. The gutters were full of litter and broken bottles and even the streetlights seemed fewer and dimmer.



        ‘I can’t believe she is living down here. This is so dangerous, vampires, muggers, who knows what? Oh, Tara if you got hurt down here...’



        She wouldn’t let herself start crying now even though this was all her fault. No wonder she hadn’t told Dawn where she was staying.



        The apartment building itself was in bad need of painting, three stories tall and had a battered brown metal door. She was about to berate herself for not thinking about how she would get in when she realized the door didn’t properly close and was open a crack. She opened it further and the smell of old beer and smoke assailed her. It should have reminded her of the Bronze but seemed more like the alley behind the club than the interior.



        She knew Tara’s place was number four and that proved to be two doors in on the right. She stood before the entrance and slowly raised a shaky hand to knock. The sound of her rapping seemed to thunder in her head. She had a brief inclination to run, and not go through with it. Her pulse was pounding and she felt like she did after being chased by demons or vampires. Maybe she would get lucky and Tara would be out or the address would turn out to be incorrect.



        Her thoughts were shattered as footsteps approached the door and two bolts were turned. The door opened the few inches the chain allowed, revealing her girlfriend’s inquisitive blue eyes. Willow’s chest tightened and her pulse raced even faster at the sight of her lover’s face which was slightly flushed like when she was

Despair and a overwhelming sense of loss... engulfed me, until a glimmer of light reached out to my heart and took root.

You write very powerfully .



behindhereyes

Kim

"To the world, you may be one person; but to one person, you may be the world"

I cant belive only one person has left comments on ur story..its great..I love how you made spike so smart..I always knew it was in him..



Trish

Where the frilly heck is the rest of it. It stops in the mid. of the senc.? Thats not cool

_________________
Where is my Tara?

Yeah, totally uncool!
I wanna know what happens! :(
Let's hope the old board still has it... such a sad story. I wont sleep if I cant find the ending...
ETA:
For everyone who wants to finish the story as well
http://p081.ezboard.com/fthekittenthewitchesandthebadwardrobe36671frm15.showMessage?topicID=124.topic

_________________
"I don't get your crazy system!"
"System? It's called the alphabet!"

For some reason the rest of Atonement, the sequel to First Christmas After didn't come through when the board was updated. I just found out about this now, so here is the rest of the story.

Atonement - the missing portion-


She knew Tara’s place was number four and that proved to be two doors in on the right. She stood before the entrance and slowly raised a shaky hand to knock. The sound of her rapping seemed to thunder in her head. She had a brief inclination to run, and not go through with it. Her pulse was pounding and she felt like she did after being chased by demons or vampires. Maybe she would get lucky and Tara would be out or the address would turn out to be incorrect.

Her thoughts were shattered as footsteps approached the door and two bolts were turned. The door opened the few inches the chain allowed, revealing her girlfriend’s inquisitive blue eyes. Willow’s chest tightened and her pulse raced even faster at the sight of her lover’s face which was slightly flushed like when she was flustered or embarrassed.

Tara stood shocked and a little abashed at having Willow see her in this dismal place. What was she doing here? “W-w-willow?” She finally said, though the crackle of excitement sweeping through her made the question irrelevant.

“I-I know I should have called but I wanted to meet with you face to face. Can I come in?” Willow pleaded still fearing that the door would be slammed in front of her. Now she felt like a fool for coming here. She tried to smile reassuringly but didn’t think she managed it.

Tara continued to stare dumbfounded at the redhead on her doorstep. This was the last thing she had ever imagined. She thought a strange expression, desperate and fearful yet tinged with sorrow, adorned Willow’s face. It made her falter as the world seemed to sink and spin around her. She couldn’t bear to just leave the other girl standing outside.

The door closed slowly in Willow’s face, but before she could panic, she heard the chain being withdrawn and it opened to allow her inside. Tara stepped back giving Willow space to walk in.

The hacker stepped into her girlfriend’s apartment and her breath caught again. She took in the splotched walls and stained floor. A small kitchen area was to the left with a battered and chipped Formica table and a couple of light blue chairs. Beyond was a small, dingy couch and scarred coffee table with several books on it resting in front of an old TV. At the end of the room was a dilapidated bed covered by Tara’s dark orange blanket. Willow remembered them using it for a picnic in what seemed like ages ago. Thin, tattered curtains barely covered the window in the opposite wall and did little to keep the streetlight out.

Willow could hardly believe her eyes, this was all her fault. She had consigned her lover to this Hell. Before the guilt could overwhelm her, Miss Kitty Fantastico came darting out from under the bed. Tara quickly closed the door so the cat wouldn’t get out, but the feline chose instead to twist in and out of Willow’s legs, purring loudly.

“Hello Miss Kitty,” she said shakily as she knelt down to pet the cat.

Her gaze started to blur as she realized how much she missed Miss Kitty. She closed her eyes and reminded herself that she had to be strong, focused. She shook her head. This was too hard, she didn’t think that she could go on. As she stood up black spots danced before her eyes and she swayed dangerously.

Tara was growing more worried by the second. Willow was pale and sweating and she seemed to shiver despite the long sleeve blue sweater she wore. Her knuckles were white from the death grip she had on her bent notebook. She had risen unsteadily after petting Miss Kitty and looked like she was going to fall over or faint. The blonde Wiccan repressed a strong urge to go over and steady her lover and instead asked, “D-do you w-w-want some water?”

Willow nodded and while Tara got a glass from the cupboard, she made her way over to one of the chairs and carefully sat down. She rubbed her eyes quickly as Tara ran the water. She gratefully accepted the glass handed to her, careful to avoid touching the other girl’s fingers. She took a couple of quick gulps and tried to reform her scattered thoughts.

“Tara, I...” she started, but couldn’t seem to find the right words and stopped. She looked at the other girl leaning against the counter, her arms folded across her chest. Tara had on jeans and blue-white shirt that accentuated her long brownish-blonde hair. She didn’t think Tara had ever looked so beautiful, so attractive.

Willow closed her eyes and remembered the feel of the knife on her wrists. She thought of what Spike had said and most of all she thought of how much she loved the girl, no woman, who stood before her. She took a deep breath and opened her eyes to look directly into her love’s blue ones.

“Tara I am so sorry,” she began. “What I did was so wrong. I know I hurt you, and, and made you feel like you were living back home again. You were right about everything. I was using too much magic; I let it control me. I don’t know what I was thinking; I was a moron! I almost got Dawn killed, I betrayed you. You must hate me a lot. I just want you to know that I’m still desperately in love with you. I need you so much it hurts more than I can ever tell you. I-I know that there’s probably no way you’ll ever trust me again, but I need, want, you back in my life.”

Tara moved forward confused and unsure how to respond. She still loved Willow and the previous day’s guilt whispered to her that maybe she had made her point and now was the time to try and make things right. And yet another part of her was hesitant and unsure. Willow seemed sincere and truly repentant, but how could she know for certain? She refused to live like they had before. Still, her heart ached at the obvious pain and discomfort in the redhead’s voice and eyes.

“I don’t...” she began, but was interrupted by a loud smash from next door that rattle d the kitchen wall.

“Where the Hell have you been? You finally drag your sorry ass back here now?” An angry voice from next door yelled.

The response was loud but not quite intelligible.

“Tara, do you still love me?” Willow asked quietly. She couldn’t bear having Tara live like this and knowing that she was to blame. She had to do something to make it better.

“I…I, yes I do,” Tara finally said though Willow could feel the unsaid ‘But,’ hanging between them.

Still, it gave her hope and an extra spark of courage to go on. “Tara, I don’t know how to make up for what I did, to win back your trust. I will do absolutely anything to have you back in my life again. I’ll crawl, beg, anything. I did some research today and I came up with a couple things that might help.”

Tara looked like she was going to say something and Willow rushed on wanting to make her point first, “I didn’t do anything yet. You were right about me not treating you like a partner. I know I just made decisions and never acted like we were in a relationship.”

“You bastard!” And another sudden crash shook the walls. “How could you spend all that in one night?”

“Fuck you, it was mine to spend!”

“You worthless piece of shit! I’ll...”

Two more crashes resounded off the wall, and then Tara heard the familiar bang of the front door that signaled the end of tonight’s first fight.

Willow was on her feet now, appalled at the noise and commotion. Tears finally started down her cheeks.

“Goddess, Tara, how can you live like this? It’s all my fault,” she cried getting more hysterical. “Please help me. Come back, I need your help. I’ll, I’ll move back to my parent’s place. You can have the room in Buffy’s house. Dawn needs you and wants you there more than me anyway. I swear I won’t come by if you never want to see me again, but you’ve to get out of here!”

Before she even realized it the desperation of her sobbing lover made Tara rush over and wrap her arms around the redhead. Tears moistened her face as she rocked the other girl and tried to soothe her. The intimate contact and familiar smell made her skin buzz and her heart ache from the loneliness she had felt the last few weeks.

“Tara, please, I’ll do anything, I’ll give up magic forever. I’ve missed you so much,” Willow choked out between sobs.

“Shhh, sweety, shhh. I’m here with you now. It’ll be all right,” Tara whispered back.

“No, it’ll never be OK again. I’ve ruined everything!”

“No, it’s my fault too. I should have helped you earlier. I should’ve said something or been more forceful. I saw you slipping away and did nothing till it was too late. I’m so sorry I let you down,” Tara said, her hands rubbing Willow’s heaving back, stroking the fine red hair she had, and still did, love so much.

“Tara, no. I’m the one who hurt you, you have nothing to be sorry for,” Willow said finally calming a bit and wiping at the tracks on Tara’s face.

Tara reached up and held Willow’s hand and placed a light kiss on her delicate fingers. With the other she brushed at the tears on the redhead’s face.

“Yes, I do. You supported me and cared for me in my worst moments. I almost got everyone killed too, remember. We were supposed to be in a relationship and instead of doing the hard thing and helping you, I was a coward and said nothing.”

“I wouldn’t have listened,” Willow protested.

“Than I should have made you listen. That’s what girlfriend’s are for,” Tara said smiling her crooked grin.

Fresh tears coursed down Willow’s face and she said, “I don’t deserve you, how can you ever forgive me?”

Tara embraced Willow again and tenderly kissed her lips. As she drew back she said, “That’s what love is all about. Working together, forgiving the other person when they make mistakes, continuing on.”

Willow clung to the fabulous woman before her, unable to believe what she heard. All the pent up emotion seemed to be rushing through her. She couldn’t remember feeling like this, so blissful and whole, for such a long time. When had she started taking Tara’s presence for granted? She still didn’t think she deserved the amazing person holding her. She felt light headed and dizzy, but oddly secure and comforted. No…actually she felt like she was going to pass out.

“I...uh, I think I better sit down,”Willow said as her legs began to buckle.

“Good idea,” a surprised Tara chimed in suddenly supporting most of the smaller girl’s weight.

She helped her friend over to the couch and deposited her on one side. She then went and found some Kleenex for their faces and noses and returned with the glass of water, now refilled. Tara sat on the other side of the couch, turned so she could face Willow. Their knees gently brushed. She was still worried over how frail her lover looked. Her energy was discordant and raw, definitely not like it should be.

After a short time Willow looked back to Tara and said, “I meant what I said. I want to have your trust again and I’m willing to give up magic for you. I found two spells, one that strips a witch’s power altogether and a second that allows another person to bind it. I have both outlined in my notebook. The advantage of the first is that I won’t be able to hurt you like that ever again. With the second there’s always the odd chance the spell could be broken.”

“Do you really think either of those is a good solution,” Tara asked.

“Well, maybe,” Willow began and sighed. “No, not really. They both feel like running away from the problem. I mean, using a spell to overcome the temptation to use spells, isn’t that like an oxymoron or something?”

Tara smiled and gave a little shrug. “It does seem like the easy way out. But at least you didn’t just cast one of them.”

Though she could forgive Willow for what she had done, she still didn’t intend to end up in the same situation. Being here with her brought back many of the feelings she had when they were together before Buffy died. It felt right and natural to have Willow near her. To hear her voice and smell the unique scent she gave off. Even that seemed to remind her more of when they had first met rather than the last few months. At the moment Willow didn’t frighten her at all.

“No, but I don’t want you to fear me or what I might do,” Willow said knowing that that hurt Tara more than the betrayal. “I did think of a third option.”

The redhead looked down as her friend had so many times long ago. Tara sensed her hesitancy and prompted her, “What is it? Another spell?”

Willow thought she detected a bit of coldness in the last part, but realized she wasn’t in a clear enough state to be sure.

“Not exactly,” she slowly went on. “Look, I have a small confession to make. One of the reasons I didn’t always treat you like an equal or check with you before I did spells was that I was kinda jealous.”

“Jealous?” Tara repeated incredulously. “Of me? Why? You are so much more powerful than me. That’s partially why I was frightened before Glory attacked me. I, I didn’t think I could keep up and thought you wouldn’t need me.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit,” Willow stated putting her hand on Tara’s knee for a moment. “I was jealous because you’ve been studying witchcraft your entire life. I mean your mom taught you since you were little, my mom barely knows anything about me. I used to be the Scooby knowledge girl and I think I was envious you knew more than me. To compensate I really pushed hard at using the magic, trying to be useful. Especially after Buffy died.”

Willow lowered her head again ashamed, but kept on talking. “I was proud and jealous and that probably made things worse. I was doing magic for the wrong reasons and my darker nature was brought forward. It, it probably didn’t help that I went after Glory with revenge in my mind and dark magic as my tool.”

Tara shook her head amazed by what she was hearing. She hadn’t thought Willow capable of such self-reflection, at least not the Willow since Buffy’s death. The admission of her faults surprised and pleased her.

“Sweety, fully understanding yourself, both your strengths and weaknesses, is essential to practicing magic.”

“See, you knew that and I didn’t. You know so much more than me. That’s the third option.,” she looked up nervously. “Would you teach me about magic like your mother taught you? I need to learn about balance and when to use magic and when not. How to be responsible with it. I’ve never seen a spell of yours go astray while mine did all the time. We could go slow and I promise, no that means nothing, but I would try my best to learn and follow what you taught. If I got out of control we could use either of the bindings then.”

Tears started to form in Tara’s eyes again. Just when she thought she knew Willow completely, she showed her how wrong she was.

Willow saw Tara start to get misty eyed and felt her stomach lurch afraid that now, at last, she would be rejected. The blonde carefully reached for Willow’s hands and held them before her. She sniffled once and said, “I-I don’t know if I could do that right. I r-really don’t know that much.”

A stern look crossed the redhead’s face. “You stop that missy. You are a beautiful, talented and very smart woman. You survived your family, killed a powerful biker demon and even had the strength to get away from me when you had to. I can’t think of anyone else I’d want to teach me the ways of the Art. I don’t want things back the way they were. I want to have a closer, truer, relationship with you. One where we’re equals and we listen to each other. I’ve been wrong about a lot of things lately but this feels right.”

“My Willow,” Tara finally said softly. “I’ve missed you for so long. I knew you’d always find me.”

This time it was an overwhelmed Willow who found a sobbing blonde witch in her arms. She wasn’t sure exactly what she had said to upset her, but she held Tara’s head against her chest. She spoke the comforting words that no one ever comprehends except for the soothing tone, and kissed the top of her love’s head.

Finally Tara pulled back and blew her nose again and both girls wiped their eyes. They looked at each other and laughed in unison.

“Look at us,” Tara started.

“A couple of big crybabies,” Willow finished.

They sat in silence for moment before Willow spoke up, “I know this is a lot to dump on you all at once. I didn’t even give you any warning I was coming before I, ah, swooped in,” Willow smiled briefly at the last and went on. “I don’t expect you to make a decision now, you probably need some time to think things over.”

Part of her mind couldn’t help but saying, ‘Yeah, wait till the emotion of the moment is over and you remember why you left, what I did to you.’ She tried to ignore that part.

“Actually, I don’t,” Tara replied looking at Willow, surprised at the clarity coursing through her. “I told you love was about forgiveness, and I do forgive you, if you can forgive me that is?”

“Of course I do, how could you even think I wouldn’t?” Willow asked flabbergasted.

“Xander told me you haven’t been using any magic lately and that’s good. If I’m going to teach you we’ll have to start out very slowly. It’ll probably take me a while to decide exactly how to proceed. I may even have to make an outline,” she smiled and added. “In different colors.”

Willow laughed again, happy to see Tara’s good humor. She looked more serious and said, “I can get my stuff out of Buffy’s tomorrow morning. You could move back in that afternoon. I’m sure the gang would help out this time.”

“We’ve lived together for over a year, I think I can put up with you being around, especially now,” she smiled and then looked down. “Besides, I-I’ve had a difficult time sleeping without someone else in the bed.”

“Tell me about it. I keeping waking up all night and it’s hard to fall back asleep afterwards. The last couple nights have been the only real rest I’ve gotten in a long time.”

Tara looked at the other witch quizzically. Willow turned bright red and looked away. For some reason, the name Amy came unbidden to Tara’s mind.

‘Don’t be silly,’ she told herself. ‘Willow is the last one for something like that.’ But she couldn’t entirely silence the inner voice.

“Uhmm,” Willow faltered. “I guess I have another confession to make.” Seeing the stricken look on the blonde’s face she hurried to amend, “It’s not whatever you’re thinking, trust me on this one. It’s just that...”

She fell silent again and Tara said, “What is it? You know you can tell me anything.”

Willow sighed and started again, “I’m just so ashamed. It was Christmas, I was lonely, I missed you so much and I thought you would hate me forever. Dawn was angry with me over the car crash, Xander told you about that right?” Tara nodded as she went on in a rush, “Anyway, I did something really stupid and I would have told you before but I really didn’t want it to influence how you felt and everyone’s been overly nice and pitying me and I didn’t want that from you too.”

Tara saw her girlfriend getting worked up again and now she started to get worried once more. Willow didn’t usually babble or evade the point this much unless it was something she truly wished to avoid.

She scootched closer to the redhead and put an arm around her shoulder as fresh tears started again.

‘Where is she getting them all from,’ passed through her mind only to be replaced by more concern and the need to make whatever bothered her lover go away.

“It’ll be easier if you just say it, sweety,” Tara said.

Willow still refused to look at her and Tara leapt from worry into alarm as she looked at the back of the down-turned head.

“Oh, Tara, I, I wanted to die. I was such an idiot. I felt so bad over what I’d done to you. I hurt you, made you afraid of me. I was worse than Glory, at least you didn’t trust her. And I almost got Dawn killed. Who knows how badly I messed up Buffy? Everything just seemed to show how much I screwed up, how much of a failure I was. I...couldn’t forgive myself for all that I’d done and so...” She held out her left arm and pulled the sweater up revealing the fresh scar and stitches on her wrist.

“Somehow Spike was at the house. He must have smelled the blood because he got to me before it was too late. He saved me in more ways than one. I was so stupid!”

Tara’s mouth hung open as she tried to comprehend what Willow told and showed her. She just couldn’t get her mind around it.

‘You never really know someone completely, do you? Now it’s my turn for leaky eyes again.’

Willow was the last person she expected to try and kill herself. From the sound of it she would have succeeded if it weren’t for chance. The girl continued to look away, crying, shame adding to her misery. Tara’s soft fingers caressed her cheek and gingerly turned her face around and up. She bent her head and met Willow’s lips with her own. She kissed her lover fully and deeply, the past forgotten for the moment. She pulled the other girl against her, trying to replace all the pain and hurt they had both suffered with as much love as she could.

When they finally broke for air, their foreheads still resting together, Tara said, “Honey, it’s all over now. That’s done. We both did what we had to, but we won’t make the same mistakes again. I love you for who you are, I don’t expect you to be perfect.”

Tara kissed Willow again, her own pent up emotions and longing fueling the moment.

“Is this how you felt when we first got together?” Willow asked. “Deliriously happy, uncontrollably in love, thanking the Goddess from the depths of your soul for the other person and still absolutely certain that you didn’t deserve her and that you would wake up from the dream at any moment?”

Tara gave her half smile and replied, “That pretty much sums it up.”

They continued to sit on the sofa, Tara with her arm around Willow, their heads laying together and their bodies alongside each other. Neither spoke, both contented to be in the presence and closeness of the other.

Willow was exhausted by the emotional whiplash of the day, of the last month. Finally she couldn’t help giving a little yawn and then wearily sat up.

“I’ve got to get some sleep. I’m so tired I don’t think I’d get up for a week.” She said, her voice as drained as she felt.

Without a word Tara moved back to the other side of the couch, guiding Willow’s head into her lap. The redhead sighed but was too fatigued to protest. As she closed her eyes, Tara softly stroked her hair and caressed the side of her jaw. She continued long after the other had fallen asleep.

‘You really do make me complete,’ Tara thought as sleep finally claimed her too.

END...

A follow up to this was planned, partially written, but I just never got around to finishing it. I might someday. For now this is it.