Title The True Story of Me and She.
Author name Millerchip77
Rating PG-13 maybe? Nothing too racy
Disclaimer I don't own Willow or Tara they belong to ME etc
Feedback Absolutely - the more the merrier. I can spew more out if you like it so far...
Summary It's a season 4 filler - I just got into BtVS this January and am obsessed, especially with our girls. So I wanted to write something that shows how their relationship developed. It's not linear and is written from Willow's perspective, I wanted to show how coming to the conclusion that you're a lez isn't easy but that when it's coupled with love it can be effing amazing.
Notes- Thanks to Diane and ophelia11 for BETA-ing this for me and encouraging me to write more of it.

The True Story of Me and She

She. Her. Girl. Woman. The feminine-type person I’m in love with. I never imagined that love could be like this, so open, so honest, so layered. And all those years I wondered, I waited, I even thought I’d found it, but then he left and before then I cheated on him which kinda makes the whole thing something of a mockery I guess. Plus he was a he… Him. His. Boy. Man. Me and him, hers and his, boy and girl. They tell you it’s supposed to be like that.

I mean I did love him, at least I thought I did, but it wasn’t like this. He could never floor me with a look or let me know with the tilt of a head what was on his mind. His eyes weren’t the deepest shade of blue, endless pools of deep-sea mystery. His body wasn’t soft. It was hard, it had edges. Hers is different, it’s… hmmm…got lost there for a moment. Hers is soft and strong, skin like silk, curves like a cello. It has the most wonderful crevices. The first time I explored it I thought that I would melt from inside out. My desire flowing from me like lava, hers too, our meltage merging, we were hot, scalding, I felt like my soul was on fire. And it was so slow, our explorations of each other; simultaneously urgent and tenacious. I never thought I could desire or be desired so much, but since that first time we’ve seldom been away from each other’s arms, lips, bodies, selves. She is my sacred mountain, my solid mass formed from lava. It is my nightly (and morningly, afternoonish-time and eveningly) duty to worship her, my Chomolungma.

It happened slowly, my coming to these conclusions. There was, on the day we met, no time for introductions what with her being hushed at that awful Wicca group meeting and all. I didn’t get chance to learn more than her name, Tara, a girl whose face remained mostly hidden by a mane of blonde hair. And then the whole of Sunnydale was silenced. In danger she sought me and by accident (though it was really more than that, much more) we found each other and though the earth didn’t move when our hands touched that night the soda machine totally flew. Wow. There was definite sparkage. I mean I felt it, I felt her; she sent a jolt of electricity straight to my groin. I was conscious of being able to speak again before I was conscious that our hands were still entwined and that there was heat, my body was hot, not yet scalding but definitely warmer than it had been in a long time, maybe ever without being touched…

But then I, being me, rational girl, just put all my excitement down to getting caught in the moment, after all I’d never floated much more than a pencil before, and I put this shy, stuttering, beautiful girl to the back of my mind. Or at least I tried to. We would be buddies and hello? Heterosexual! We were friends, good friends, but friends. Firm friends, secret friends and did I mention that we were friends? I kept her apart from the rest of the Scoobies and anyone else who might get in the way of my need to know her, to travel with her to her secret places. And travel we did. We floated a rose, why did I take a rose that night? A subconscious desire to see her bloom? Maybe. Roses are so complex, wound up scentless in a tight little bud only to flower and expose layer upon layer of petals and a rich, delicate fragrance. I guess that was us then, the bud part anyway. Both too afraid to reveal ourselves, her too afraid of rejection to bloom and me of the whole gay-love…oh my goddess does that mean I’m a lesbo? I’ve always been an outsider (geek, Jewish, redhead, friends with the Slayer, friends with Xander) and that’s fine, besides my friends see beyond all that but what if they can’t understand this and hate me or freak? What if I freak and hurt her? That would be more than I could bear. Focus Willow. We’re friends, good friends, firm friends, secret friends, why is she a secret? Her eyes are amazing and when we touch hands when we do spells something happens to me, there’s that heat...Oh my goddess does that mean I’m a lesbo?...To the point of total shutdown of normal synaptic function and I was talking about roses and floatiness but her hands, I come apart when she touches me with those hands or looks at me with those eyes and her mouth? Her curvy smile, her lips? How could anyone not think about those lips?

So think I did. I thought about what being more than kinda gay might mean. I mean I know it doesn’t merge well with the whole Jewish thing but seeing as I haven’t really been to Synagogue since my Bat Mitzvah I guess that’s the least of my worries. It sits well with the whole Wicca thing (All acts of Love and Pleasure are My rituals) and the whole I really like her thing. She. Her. Girl. Woman. Me and she, hers and hers, girl meets girl, girl on girl actually, seeing as we already did the meets part. It made me crazy for oh, about thirty seconds until I realised that I was, and am, in love in a deeper and more substantial way than I ever thought possible. And she’s a witch too, see? Connections on many levels. So, I decided, I’ll tell her, that’s what I’ll do, I’ll tell her. But telling is so hard. Telling means more than it did when I told Oz or even Xander. Telling means going in to something as well as coming out and am I ready to do that? Am I more than kina gay and leaning towards really very gay, totally gay? What if no-one understands? Did Tara even tell you that she was gay? Synaptic functions please return to normal or at least slow down – head aches and stomach is acidy. Of course she’s gay, she told you, remember? Right after the rose floating goodness – you told her all about Oz and she told you about the girl she’d kissed in high school and whose hand she would hold under the table in math and who told Tara that it was a phase and a sin stopped talking to her. Tara said, ‘I-It wasn’t a ph-phase for me…’ and you held her hand and smiled into those endless pools of deep-sea mystery.

When my telling finally came it was classic Willow-talk (not to be confused with pillow talk, though I’m not much good at that either, I have, only once in my defence, tried to compare love making to chemical formulae; “You know Tare, in chemistry organic compounds are much more complicated than inorganic ones and that’s kinda funny ‘cause people are kinda organic compound-y and the formula for the successful merging of people is way more complex than the way, for example, a table and chairs merge. I-I mean it took us a long time to merge, I guess that was ‘cause of me though. Tare? You awake?”
“I’m t-trying not to be”. You see? I don’t find these things easy. But I had to tell her. I had to. It was killing me. I needed to kiss her, to feel her lips against mine, to know the wetness of her mouth, to see the surrender in her eyes before our mouths merged. With guys it’s always them that make the first move, in Willow-world anyway. I waited for Oz to make his move and Oi Vey, Xander? You’d think it’d be worth waiting since kindergarten for. And having not been gay before, at least not in this dimension…what to do? How to say? When it finally happened I blurted. I mean I had a whole speech in my head prepared for The Right Moment: Tara. We’re friends, good friends. Firm friends (no not firm – what are we? inorganic compounds? Note to self: scratch firm). Tara. We’re friends right? Good friends. In fact I don’t know how I’d’ve gotten through the last couple of months without you and your friendship (aren’t they one and the same thing? I guess that depends upon how you view the self – Willow! Focus, you’re trying to woo her not spew lecture notes all over her). Well I like you Tara. I mean I really like you, like in the people-who-like-each-other way of liking. I mean I like you in a smooch-y and gay love-y way though I’m not sure if I’m more than kinda gay at this point, I mean I am kinda gay ‘cause hey, attracted to you and everything…Smooth huh? But when I finally told her how I felt it wasn’t at all The Right Moment I had in my head but another girl that prompted The Big Reveal. I was so worried about Faith being back, that girl is wild beyond taming and I didn’t want Tara-Time to be interrupted by her or anyone else any more than it already had been, “I wish she would make a move. She’s making my stomach all acidy.” She was, I had to take Pepto Bismol caplets that morning and everything. “But you think Buffy can handle her?”

“I think so, but that doesn’t mean Faith won’t hurt someone else…” If she, or anyone else hurt you I’d…well I’d…I’m friends with the Slayer and she could kick their asses on my behalf but that goes such a short way to expressing how out of my mind I would be if she, or anyone else hurt you, Tara. Tara is speaking, “Well, you should be safe; nobody knows you’re here…I-I mean…they don’t even know I exist, right? I know all about them, but…” Oh God you’re hurting. I made you hurt, I’ll make Buffy kick my ass…

I whispered to her, “Hey”. I put my hand on her knee, there’s that warmth again, every time I touch her I feel it, there’s magic between us. There’s magic. Between us. Magic. The sum total of all the spells we’d ever done together, from the soda machine to the rose floating, it all hit me like a Mack truck. There is magic between me and Tara. That’s part of why I told no-one about her, I didn’t want to break the spell. But now I know it, I know it. There is no spell to break, there is magic between us and as long as we’re together there always will be. I realised then that she was talking to me and she was nervous, it was making her stammer, “I mean …Th…that’s totally cool…I mean…it…its good. It’s…its better.” Okay it’s now or never, tell her. Tell her. You want her, make her know how much you want her, look at her, she’s beautiful, look at her lips, her eyes…Mouth opening brain not engaged, “Tara, it’s not like I don’t want my friends to know you …It’s just…Well, Buffy’s like my best friend, and she’s really special (‘best friend’? What are you? Five?) And…there’s this whole bunch of us, and…and we sort of have this group thing that revolves around the slaying, and…and, I…I really want you to meet them. But, I…I just kinda, like having something that’s just…you know…mine…And I…I usually don’t use so many words to say stuff that little…But...Do you get it at all?” Get it? How could anyone get it? I like having something that’s mine? Cryptic much? You are such a wuss, Rosenberg. Why didn’t you say someone? That’s what you meant. But am I really more than kinda gay…You’ll never find out if you stall any longer. Oh wait, she’s speaking again…“I do”. She does. She gets it. She’s smart now kiss her…Mouth opening brain not engaged, “I should check in with Giles, get a situation update.” What are you doing? A situation update? There is magic between you, magic. That is the only situation you need to update. “I am you know,” She spoke again, she is you know, is… “What?”
“Yours.” Before I could speak again or, more importantly ‘cause it doesn’t always get me very far, before I could think again, her words hit me. They hit my heart, they hit my brain, they hit my stomach dispelling all the acid. They sent waves of desire crashing through my body towards my centre, I’d never, never felt my body the way I did then. I felt the grin spread across my face before I had time to compose myself for The Appropriate Reaction I’d rehearsed. Remember my speech? There was only one reaction to her telling. I moved towards her, she was sitting on her bed. Look at her, look at her, she’s so…much. She’s like Venus rising out of the sea, like Helen about to sink a thousand ships, she’s mine, now claim her – in a non-patriarchal way. I sat next to her and took her hands in mine. We couldn’t look away from each other, it was like her words and my movement had lifted the scales from our eyes and we were seeing, really seeing each other for the first time. I brushed her hair from her face with my hand and cupped her cheek, her skin was like velvet. I stroked her cheek with my thumb, and barley audibly she moaned. That was all I needed. I leant towards her, never looking away from her eyes. I wanted her to see, and by seeing to know. To know that she and she alone had found me, found my core, my essence. She had unlocked me from a lifetime of worrying about not being tall enough, being too thin, being geeky and holding myself oddly, from studying hard stuff to avoid truly looking at who I am. I held her face and saw my thoughts, my desire mirrored. Our lips met. I had never in my life been so hungry for anyone.

Everything changed then, I changed. Kinda gay? If this is gay completely gay. We kissed for what seemed like hours, lips crashing, tongues clashing, desire mounting. I felt all that I had been float away and a new, better version of me take up residence in my tall enough, curvy enough, un-geeky and perfectly poised body. This new self would still study hard stuff but there’re some things a girl can’t change. What were the next words I spoke? Our faces an inch apart, her warm and ragged breath merging with mine, “Tara, that was…wow…I mean I’ve never…wow…I…wow. I mean I really need to call Giles now but can we do that again right after?” What did she say? What else could she say but smile her perfectly crooked smile and reply, “Yes”.

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Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. - Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

I like keep going

Really good beginning... Update-y goodness soon?

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We few, we happy few. We band of buggered.

Posting While Nude Improves Your Mood.

Millerchip
welcome to another obsessive. It's good to know the Buffy series and especially Willow and Tara are still captivating new fans.

I like your fic. Is there more? It stands well as it is, but also lends itself to continuation. I'd like to read more of your writing, whatever.

thanks
Anne

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Spells for Two

Every path has its puddle. Old English Saying... I think I just stepped in mine...

Hey there Millerchip,
I saw your post over in Beta but didn't have time to comment on it. I like this start. You do a very good job of portraying the rush of feeling and thought that can accompany such soul-possessing love and joy. I really like the stream of consciousness and only hope there will be more.

Is the back feeling better?

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Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

It's really well written and a credit to this forum.

Hey again!

I know that you're mulling over the possibility of this turning into a longer fic, but it's one of the best short stories that I've read in a long time. It seems very complete and I had a wonderful time reading it.

Yay! No angst. Again, I say Yay! I quoted the line above because it is the closest I've ever seen anyone get to my actual coming out experience. Once the realization hit that I was really gay, my life changed in really good ways...and I felt just like Willow in that sentence.

Amen to that. Well done and thank you.

Diane

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The dlline Short Fic Thread

Yay! You posted. I love the additions you made. This time around, so many lines popped out to me. This one really struck me because isn't that the million dollar question when you are first coming out?



This one just had me laughing out loud! Sadly, I am often the Willow part of that conversation.



Pretty soon I'll be quoting the whole thing. The whole paragraph describing the confessional and first kiss was really beautiful. Willow's internal dialogue was so striking.



What a wonderful description of those first magical moments.

Whether this becomes a part of a larger story or you do a series of smaller stories, this was simply a perfect 'moment in time' snapshot.

I'm very much looking forward to any other writings you share.

Take care!

Just wanted to say what a great short fic and I'm hoping you'll share more!

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'Tara Tarantula. Hairy black legs. Now that's a thought.'
-Sleek, Three Words

For a lack of a more accurate word at the moment, beautiful.

I had a smile on my face the whole time. I hope to read more of this soon.

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"Everyone's a loser in their own right." -Zooey Deschanel <3

Great writing.

Thanks all for reading and for your kind comments.


- ophelia11 thanks for this - I've decided to do just that and am working on some other 'snapshots' from the early days of Willow & Tara's relationship.

Diane - thanks, glad you liked the finished product

JustSkipIt - Back much better now thanks, am seeing my physio later for what hopefully will be the last time and have bought some sensible luggage so that I don't injure myself again carrying that ridiculous rucksack.

Anne - Thanks for the welcome - I am truly obsessed.

Taralover - you really are too kind...

I've been working over the weekend on another story

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Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. - Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

Thanks all for reading and for your kind comments.


- ophelia11 thanks for this - I've decided to do just that and am working on some other 'snapshots' from the early days of Willow & Tara's relationship.

Diane - thanks, glad you liked the finished product

JustSkipIt - Back much better now thanks, am seeing my physio later for what hopefully will be the last time and have bought some sensible luggage so that I don't injure myself again carrying that ridiculous rucksack.

Anne - Thanks for the welcome - I am truly obsessed.

Taralover - you really are too kind...

Zampsa1975, whatmakesyouhappy, SJ & Psy - thanks for reading

I've been working over the weekend on another story and should post later.

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Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. - Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

Title The True Story of Me and She: Part 2
Author name Millerchip77
Rating A bit racier this time Willow talks about their first time so maybe R/NC-17 (not sure how the ratings work)
Disclaimer I don't own Willow or Tara they belong to ME etc
Feedback Yes please! I find it really helpful/motivational (please keep me distracted from analysing data.)
Summary It's a season 4 filler again starting at the moment that Oz comes back. As I said before, I just got into BtVS this January and this is where I am on my re-watch (second re-watch if I'm honest...okay, third). The first story I wrote was about Willow coming out to herself - this one is a bit more angsty 'cause she's dealing with coming out to others. Again it's not linear but follows the events of the NMR episode chronologically.
Notes- It's not finished yet but I wanted to see what y'all thought so far...

The True Story of me and She Part 2

Oh my God oh My God oh my God oh my God. He’s back. He’s back and she left. She left. She walked out of the Scooby meeting and left. I don’t know where she is and I’m in love with her. I’m so in love with her. Why haven’t I told her that yet? Idiot, Willow, idiot. It’s three little words, well four actually if you say her name before which technically you should ‘cause you want her to be sure, ‘Tara (1) I (2) love (3) you (4)’. Her face was all twisty and upset when she realised it was him, I couldn’t have made her face any more pained had I hit her, and I could never do that so why did I let her sit there when I knew she was in agony? And she rushed out…She rushed away from me.

“Oz,” she had whispered his name, look at her, tell her its okay, hold her hand…Oh wait, they don’t know about us, they don’t know, my friends, my best friends don’t know. You kept her a secret and now that they do at least know who she is you keep what you are to each other a secret. Idiot, Willow, idiot. They don’t know that we’re lovers, that I (1) love (2) her (3). And he left you broken and she fixed you and they all know what he meant to me, or what he meant at the time…It’s all changed now; everything’s changed because of her. She heard the whole not un-awkward interaction, where I agreed to meet him later to ‘talk’, she made her desperate excuse to leave, “I just, um…I-I realised, um...I’m…I’m l-late for…for study group,”

“Tara…wait.” Why should she wait? Are you gonna tell them? Are you gonna do what you should right there in front of them all? Are you ready to tell them that you’re…that you’re…you’re…

Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God. He wants to meet me and he’s back. Oz is back. Oz. I loved him didn’t I? I thought I did but then he left and before that I cheated but I loved him…didn’t I? Did I? I must have done what with the virginity losing an' all. Why is it that your virginity is something you lose? Like “Hey, has anyone seen my virginity?” Or, “Virginity! Where did you go? Virginity…here girl!” And I liked sex with him didn’t I? Did I? I thought I did but then, wow, wow…I mean when she and I…wow. The first time we…wow…

We prepared her room with pillows and incense and candles to do a really important and complex spell, she’d been my anchor because I had to go to the Nether Realms to find Buffy. It was dark there and she’d pulled me back, saved me from the darkness. Her pulling me out of there was so intense, I felt her inside me, filling me, becoming one with me. I had…well I’d had the most intense orgasm of my life and she hadn’t physically touched me. It was like the sum total of all my dreamings about her (and there’d been a lot) reached their conclusions all at once. Afterwards I had lain on the floor, confused, exhausted, but so turned on. “W-Willow? A-Are you okay?” I couldn’t speak. All I knew was that I wanted her, I mean we’d had lots of kissage and explored each other with clothes but this was different; I needed her. Now. I needed to feel her; I wanted her all over me, at the sides of me, in me, on me, all around me. Ending the spell had broken the connection and I needed it back urgently. “W-Willow?”
“C’mere”. My voice sounded weird, deeper than usual, husky-toned like a villain or something. Not a horrible scary villain but a red-haired and very horny one. She came to me, leant over me where I lay on the floor. “Tara…I…you…” speaking was too hard. I pulled her down to me. She looked into my eyes and her pupils, islands in a deep-blue sea, dilated. She knew. It was time. She leant down and I leant up to meet her. Our kissing was urgent, desperate. She sucked my bottom lip into her mouth and moaned, she kissed my neck and I moaned, kissed down to my collarbone and up to my ear and whispered, “Goddess Willow, I w-want you so much”, her voice had taken on the same husky tone as mine; it was too much, too intense. I ached with longing for her; it was the sweetest pain I’d ever known. But, as usual, mouth opened before brain reached the situation-appropriate level and blurtage ensued, “Me too…I mean not I want me ‘cause that would be kinda weird what with you being on top of me and all…I mean I…Tara I…” My girl is smart; she kissed my babble into submission. We kissed and kissed, tenaciously exploring each other’s mouths. I was becoming frantic, she was between my legs and clothed, I ground myself against her and, clawing at her shirt, breathed out, “Clothes…becoming an issue”. Her response was wordless. Never breaking eye-contact she knelt up and began to undo the buttons on her shirt. “Tara wait…please baby, let me…?” I got to my knees; I wanted to worship her, my own Oshun, my Goddess of sensuality.

I unpeeled her shirt, it fell from her. I kissed every inch of her exposed skin, her ragged breathing giving me focus. She tugged at my shirt, I lifted my arms for her, never in my life had I wanted to be naked as much as I did then. My desire for her was choking me; I felt it in my throat, in my chest, in the pit of my stomach and the soles of my feet. I reached around her back and unclipped her bra, it fell from her. I leant back and looked at her, my semi-naked Venus. Something happened to me then, my eyes became my desire, and my desire was woman, this woman, her, she, Tara. “Oh God Tara…you’re so…wow…I…you’re so beautiful”. Gently I kissed her back down to the floor, “W-Willow I need…”
“What baby, what do you need?”
“C-Clothes…t-too many clothes”. I stood up, above her and, locking my eyes with hers, I removed the offending items: first socks then skirt then I wrestled with the clasp of my bra why are these things so damn hard to open just a little to the left…hmph…this is taking too long…I lifted it above my head and grinned. Finally I eased my underpants off and knelt above my woman, my desire. She’s looking at you and there is such love in her eyes, such longing… “Tara? Are you okay baby?”
“Oh yes. I d-don’t think I’ve ever been more okay than I am right now. A-Are you okay sweetie?”
“Me? Okay? I’m über-okay…I mean okay doesn’t really cover the range of emotions I’m feeling right now ‘cause um there’s you and you’re all semi-clothed and the candlelight makes you look even sexier than you do usually and I didn’t think that was possible and um did I just say the word ‘sexier’ out loud? I mean I meant it ‘cause y’are but it’s not a word I tend to use in my general discourse but this isn’t really a general discourse-y-type situation ‘cause hey, I’m naked-girl an’…”
“Willow, sweetie shh. W-What do you need?” How does she cut through me like that? She truly is a magician. “Oh Tara I need to um…to touch you, please can I touch you?”
“I-I think I’ll die if you don’t”. I went to her then, undid her skirt and freed her legs from it. I took off her socks and one by one I kissed her toes, I kissed her ankles, I kissed her knees and I kissed the place on her thighs where the fabric of the last barrier I’d purposefully left between us (I discovered that night that I’m a tease), I kissed the place where that cloth barrier met her flesh. I inhaled her scent and felt giddy with want. I kissed her stomach, her ribs and kissed a trail up to her breasts, her beautiful, beautiful breasts, my mouth literally watering as I sucked one nipple and then the other into my mouth, the sensations of it all nourishing me. I heard Tara moan and felt it vibrate through her chest, onto my lips.

I kissed my way back down to the fabric barrier of her underpants and with my fingertips I slowly edged them off of her body. She knew, how does she always know what I want? She knew want I wanted and bent her legs at the knees I’d just kissed so that I could see her Oh God she’s so beautiful, look at her. Look. At. Her. All of her, she’s so open for you, to you, because of you. I kissed her dark blonde curls, I breathed her in, I put my mouth on her, this most intimate of places on a body and I drank from her, filled myself with her.

This was how it was that night. On the cushion-scattered floor in her room in the candle light we explored each other tenaciously, we found each other gallantly. We drank from each other, penetrated each other, caressed each other. I came apart, we came together. When we finally made it into bed that night, our first night of kisses and gay love (there since have been many, many more), we drifted in and out of consciousness, reaching for one another in the darkness, each finding light within the other.

[i]Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God…he’s back and I love her. I (1) Love (2) Her (3). I’ve fallen in love and told no-one, not even Tara though she must know mustn’t she? Why haven’t I come clean? Not that there’s anything dirty about who I am, what the label says I am, what we are, she and me, it’s just that… Why haven’t I told Buffy? She’s my best friend and my roommate and I haven’t told her who Tara is to me? What’s wrong with me? Is there something I should be ashamed of? They were all so worried when Oz left but his leaving allowed you to open your eyes and they focused on Tara and she found you and you found you and her and why don’t they know that? When did it get so complicated? I feel like I’ve got a Big Announcement to make, a confession and I’m Jewish, we have enough guilt without a side of Catholicism.

I was completely freaking out about telling them, my friends who are more than that, who are my family. See the Rosenberg’s are, well, I think distant might be the kindest word to use, emotionally stunted workaholics is the less kind version…So I made my own family out of love and trust and shared danger and I was so scared that they would freak and then totally keep their distance from me or not understand or look at me differently. I’m the same reliable old Willow I always was except that now I love a girl when before I loved a boy which makes me different, and no matter how much I hate that idea, it makes me different.

Tara didn’t answer her phone all that day. I missed her. I wanted to go to her but I felt that I didn’t have the right, I needed to see Oz, to tell him about us and then, when it was less complicated I’d see her. But I missed her and I knew that her heart, her sweet and delicate heart was probably breaking. He came to me that night and I was so pleased to see him and he led me outside and I was so pleased to see him, ‘cause I had missed him. But what did that mean? Did I still love him, could I ‘cause hello? Gay much? (How does she always know what I want?)

He led me outside and I felt like I was losing my mind. I’d never been so lonely, even in high school when Xander and Jesse were my only friends and everyone else thought I was a total loser and laughed at the clothes my mom picked out for me. There was this guy who I’d loved, a guy that turned into a monster once a month, the irony of which was not lost on me at that moment, believe me. So there was this guy who I’d angsted and agonised over for weeks and then there was Tara. Goddess, even saying her name or thinking her name made me make sense of myself, she loved me and though we were just starting out and hadn’t told each other that yet, I knew in my heart that she loved me, as I loved her. But I had to explain this to him, to everyone. How to say? What to do? I said all I could without shifting into full babble mode, “This is all so weird…I feel like this isn’t really happening…like it’s a dream or something”, the thing is Oz, since you’ve been gone I’ve been seeing someone else, a girl, you met her actually yesterday at Giles’ place, the blonde girl? I know isn’t she? Well she and I have gotten close, real close, in fact we regularly share class notes, kisses and gay love…Oh God this is all such a mess, you’re like tourmaline, the formula of your life is way to complicated…

“It’s real”, I was snapped out of my internal babble by Oz smiling and saying, “Look up.”
“What?”
“Look at the sky,” I saw the moon, I hadn’t even noticed it until now and it was full. Wait, how can this be? He’s all human and not wolfy, not even a little bit, he’s all clean shaven and un-scary, how?
“I guess you stopped keeping track of ‘em after I left.” This was true I did stop and besides, me and Tara have our own lunar cycles to keep track of.
“Full moon . . .?” I asked him, the reality of his revelation slowly hitting me.
“Full moon,” he confirmed, and smiled the enigmatic smile I had loved.
“Full moon…but…but how?” I wanted to know, I cared for him, this boy-man. I had loved him. “I mean, you did it! How…how did you do it? Where did you go?” We’ll talk and he’ll tell me, I’ll listen and then…then…Too much, too much, too much emotion. I care about him, love him even but her? Would my lungs continue to suck in air through my bronchial tubes, passing oxygen into my blood and expelling carbon dioxide without her? Could you not kiss her again, not touch her? I can’t think about this right now, I just can’t. It’s too complicated and I have to be here for Oz.

I said all I could, “Oh my God, Oz!” And I did all I was capable of; I put my arms around him and squeezed. His body is so hard, hers is soft, hers is… Willow! Focus. Be here for him now. “This is…I mean, it’s…wonderful for you”. Do I still love him? Could I be his again? Aren’t I gay? I’m in a gay relationship, I’m all for the gay lovin’ and other stuff too but the lovin’, wow. Could I be not gay again? I love her but he’s back and he’s speaking and I’m gay. I am so gay, “I talked to Xander and he said you didn’t have a new guy . . .” (“Goddess Willow, I w-want you so much”)

Oh God I didn’t tell them about us, about me and Tara, they think I’m heterosexual, I’m not I’m…I’m…and he’s asking me about a new guy…
“No…no new guy”. I answered him out of necessity but I felt ashamed. I’d lied to my friends by not telling them about my love, my sweet, gentle love and now I was denying her again to him and therefore, though this could never be my intention, to myself. Tell him that there’ll never be a new guy or a new anyone because I love her. I (1) love (2) her (3).

“I know what I put you through” Oz continued, “and I’m not gonna push. But I am a different person than when I left and I can be what you need now. That’s what I want. That’s why I’m here” (“Willow, sweetie shh. W-What do you need?”). So instead of doing what I should and telling him that there was someone else, a feminine-type someone else, a girl, a she, her, a woman, I took him back to my room and we talked all night. He: told me about his travels, where he went, who he met, how he found a way of controlling the beast that lives within him, that he missed me and wanted to make up for hurting me. Me: Listened not un-intently, told him an abridged version of how I’d been, told him I missed him. To my shame I edited Tara out of my life since he’d gone, I couldn’t go there, not yet, it was too much. But I also couldn’t eat breakfast with him either when it came to it ‘cause Tara came to see me and he spoke to her and she wouldn’t stay so I did what I needed to and sent him away. I needed to clear my head or, alternatively, to sit and panic until Buffy got back. See? I did make up my mind about something. I would tell Buffy, my best friend, no matter what. I needed to unburden myself, to come out about me and Tara to at least one of the people who loved me.

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Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. - Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

Yay for good update-y goodness...

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We few, we happy few. We band of buggered.

Posting While Nude Improves Your Mood.

Wow...welcome back!

And back you are in a big way. A short time ago, I told another writer that I believed the difficulty in writing a good canon, specifically a fill-in-the-blanks story, is that readers tend to share different, yet very personal views about exactly what happened. I think that's why I like this piece so much... your views are very in step with my own. As a matter of fact, they're pretty much exactly like my own, so yay for that.

As far as being non-linear, I find that it really doesn't strike me that way. Perhaps because it is based in canon, so I know the alternate story lines that run around yours, but I like the way it works.

Keep up the good work. Hope you can update soon.

Diane

ETA: You write really great smut.

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The dlline Short Fic Thread

Another really good sexy story from you, so much better then my own stories.

I think you should continue this story. I love reading how different the emotions are for Willow and Tara. Do you plan on doing a story from Tara's point of view?
Waiting for the next update.

Wow! Just wow!

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“When you say, I am gay, you own it. No one can take it away from you.”
- Amber Benson

Natalie

I must plant more seeds if beautiful stories like that grow from them.

Seriously, though. Excellent piece. I love that you took these very Oz-centric moments from that episode and brought Tara right up in to the middle of them.

The show only hinted at the internal turmoil Willow faced and I've seen some authors scrape the surface. However, you really dove deep in to the heart of her subconscious and painted what was a very likely journey for her. I love that throughout this story, there was never a doubt in Willow's mind about her love and feelings for Tara. I think that is so often the "easy" part. It's coming to terms with all the external stuff that clouds our minds and affects our judgment.

Beautiful update.

Laura

PS - Curious...I love your POV from Willow. Are you considering any from Tara? I'd be very interested to see your interpretations of her internal monologues as well.

Take care!

Agreed with above post - would love to read Tara's POV at some point.

For now, however, wow. So intense, so moving. Thanks for sharing!

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'Tara Tarantula. Hairy black legs. Now that's a thought.'
-Sleek, Three Words

Great fic!

I love two things here so very well. The first is the intensity of emotion you manage to convey for Willow. You really express how overwhelming it all is for her: Oz coming back and Tara not knowing that Willow loves her and Tara leaving and everything. Second, the smut is wonderful. Again, I think what makes it unusual is the intensity of emotion you manage to convey around it. Even without the play-by-play, the smut was very beautiful and very smutty without being instruction-manualy. And again, you perfectly conveyed the intensity of it all for Willow.

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Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

I wanted to reply to you all again 'cause I'm really happy that you liked my story - the second (and last) part is below. Also I want to say that I'm feeling pretty overwhemed today after staying up all night to watch the US election - what a night, what a result. The world feels a better place today. So big big love all round.

Diane: I'm glad you liked it and yaay for in-tuneness.

Laura: How could there be? I really read this episode in this way and wanted to show it - I hope I was able to do this meaningfully.

Sadie, Laura & love_2003: Thanks for the idea about a Tara-centric story - I will do just that.

JustSkipIt: Well good sex should never be about instructions - unless you get your jollies that way

Zampsa1975, SJ, amazon & Taralover - thanks for reading :-)

And here's the last part of this story...

Title The True Story of Me and She: Part 2 (2 of 2)
Author name Millerchip77
Rating A bit less racier than the last one so R I think.
Disclaimer I don't own Willow or Tara they belong to ME etc
Feedback Please - I've really enjoyed writing this - it's given me an outlet for my obsession so I don't have to bore my partner with it so yes please!
Summary Continues where the last part left off.

I heard the door open. I had been sitting on my bed, trying to doze off which, given the chaos in my head was hard, not that my head is usually ordered ‘cause hey, Willow- babble much? But this was different. My impending confession weighed down on me like lead. How do you open a conversation like that? ‘Hey Buff, how’s tricks, slay much? Good, well you know Tara? Yeah the girl I brought to the Scooby yesterday, I know, isn’t she? Well anyway, you know you asked me a while back if I had a honey? Well I do, and she’s it. The thing is I’m more than a little bit gay’
‘Great Will, wanna get coffee?’

Buffy came in. I heard myself speaking, asking her about her night, telling her about Oz, how the moon hadn’t changed him. How ironic is that ‘cause during all the time he spent learning not to transform so that he could love me I was being transformed by my love for Tara and her love for me. Tell her, spill, go on…

I must have been doing a really bad job at hiding my nerves ‘cause Buffy picked up on it straight away, and said, “Okay, I’m all with the woo-hoo, here and you’re not?”

Okay, here goes, “No, there’s woo and hoo”, I began, “but there’s ‘uh-oh,’ and ‘why now’ and…it’s complicated”.

“Why complicated?”

Wow I’m really gonna do this. Quick Willow speak, before the little moisture left in your mouth dries up and there’s complete closage of the throat, “It’s complicated ‘cause of Tara”. I looked my friend straight in the eyes, trying to gage her reaction.

I love Buffy dearly but let’s face it, she’s not always the quickest brain off the mark, I mean she totally is in one way ‘cause of the kung-fu moves and the killing of vampires with sharp sticks and all but in other ways it takes a while for things to register. This was one of those times. Buffy looked confused as she asked me, “You mean Tara has a crush on Oz ?”. I shook my head and she replied, “No?” She looked at me, looked away then looed again at me; I could almost hear her brain whirring. “Oh” She’s finally got it, brace yourself, assume mental crash position and hold on… “Oh,” she said again. She’s freaking, she’s freaking she’s totally freaking, of course she is; after all we might know vampires and demons and werewolves and be big on the killing of said beasts but we don’t know any gay people. Buffy paced and said my name like she had tourettes and ‘Will’ was a swear-word. It hurt. I always tried to understand my friends’ decisions. Okay Anya, but that’s different, I mean I’m big with the honesty but tactless much? My level of repression had been practically British until Tara so I take defence of myself on that one.

“I think Tara’s a really great girl, Will ”

“She is,” I couldn’t help but grin at the sound of her name on my friends’ lips, “and there’s something between us. It…it wasn’t something I was looking for. It’s just…powerful. A-And it's totally different from what Oz and I have”.

“Well, there you go”. There I go? You’re freaking, please don't. I had to ask her, so I did, “Are you freaked ?”

She sat down, “No…I just…” she visibly caught sight of herself and became my Buffy, my best and trusted friend once more, “No. Absolutely not”.

I had told the truth, the whole messy truth and nothing but the whole and messy truth and my friend still loved me. I felt ashamed then for expecting any less, this was Buffy. And, as if in return, she told me a messy truth that I needed to hear, “No matter what, somebody's gonna get hurt…and the important thing is, you just have to be honest or it's gonna be a lot worse.”

I had to see Tara, then. I had to. I needed to explain to her that Oz in my room didn’t mean the re-kindling of My Big Straight Love but a decision to hear him out, to make sure I was sure. I walked to her dorm; I felt sick. I knocked on her door, praying to everything sacred in this, and every other dimension that she was home. She answered my knock, oh my God she looks so broken, what have you done? My poor, wounded love. It was too much to bear, she looked exhausted and the dark circles under her eyes betrayed many shed tears. Start speaking Willow, “I can only stay um for a minute, I have class.” Great, well done, she saw him in your room this morning and now she thinks you’re being all rushy. Idiot, Willow, idiot.

“M-Me too,” Tara replied and shut the door. “I-I have class too.” Tell her, tell her it was nothing, well not nothing ‘cause it was something but you need to tell her that you didn’t spend the night with him, well you did, technically spend the night but you didn’t Spend The Night. Say something, “I just want you to know, that what you saw this morning, it wasn't…”

“No, it's okay,” she interrupted me (Oh God she’s so beautiful), “I…I always knew that if he came back…” If he came back what? You think I’d choose him over you? Why, because he’s a guy and what we have isn’t really real to me? Were you there when we made love? Tell her, “We were just talking. Nothing happened.”

“Oh, Really?” She was visibly relieved, and so was I she knows I didn’t…I couldn’t even think it, let alone participate in it.

“But, you know, it was intense, just talking …we have a lot to talk about” Like me telling him that I love you, that I have to sort out this mess and until then I can’t be yours in the way you deserve. Say that Willow, “I kinda feel like my head's gonna explode,” or alternatively say that. Though, in my defence, it was. I needed an Aspirin or six.

Tara spoke, “Whatever, y’ know, h-happens, I-I'll still be here…I'll still be your friend”,

How could she say that to me? “Of course we'll be friends! That's not even a question.”

“But I’m saying…I-I know what Oz means to you”

“How can you when I'm not even sure?” I cut her off, I had to; we weren’t communicating the way that we should. There was a barrier between us and, for the first time in our short relationship, we couldn’t instinctively understand each other. I had erected a barrier between us with my stupid doubt and my shame and deceit. Explain it to her, you’re losing her and that can’t happen because you only just found her, “I mean I know what he meant to me…but he left, and everything changed…I changed, and then we…”

“What?” We fell in love, why can’t you say that to her?

“I don't know, I just …Life was starting to get so good again, an’ you’re a big part of that.” I was starting to lose what little was left of my composure. I looked at this beautiful woman; I’d caused her such pain, such terrible, terrible pain. But I couldn’t tell her I loved her until I had sorted out this mess. I didn’t want it to be a her or him thing because the truth of it was, it was a me thing. I needed to let go of who I’d been all those years and truly embrace who I’d become since I’d known her, maybe who I’d always been. So I explained it the best I could, “And here comes the thing I wanted most of all and…I don't know what to do, I-I wanna know…but I don't”.

“Do w-what m-makes you h-hap-happy”. That was enough for me to melt down completely. I fell into her arms and sobbed. I sobbed for Oz, for my lost love for him – he’d been the first person to want me that way, to really, really want me. I sobbed for the hurt I knew I was causing Tara, I sobbed at the shame I felt for lying about us, for the shame I felt for not being able to share the gay part of me before half an hour ago, for the mess I’d made. She cried too, I expect she thought she was losing me, never, you could never lose me. “W-Willow, shh sweetie, p-please d-don’t cry”
“I-I’m sorry Tara…Oh God I’m so sorry”,
“You have n-nothing to be s-sorry for”,
“I do. I do…I…you…I can’t breathe…I’m so sorry” She kissed me then, kissed my lips and stopped them shaking, kissed the tears from my face and kissed the trail they had made down my neck. She held my face and looked into my eyes. There was want in her eyes, a desperate, primal want.

We made love although technically, I’m not sure you could call our desperate, primal coupling that. Lips pressed together we tore the clothes from one another, I pulled her onto the bed, on top of me and, roughly taking her hand in mine, I pushed her fingers into me, needing so badly to feel her inside me. It was fast, both of us needing our release to come quickly and besides, we had class, though that wasn’t really a factor. And afterwards I kissed her bruised lips and I told her, “I’ll come by later, I promise”. I dressed hurriedly and she stopped me at the door, “W-Willow, your sweater”,
“Keep it, I’ll get it later”, I told her, but I couldn’t look at her.

And that’s why he found her like he did. Wearing my sweater, with me all over her and while he preyed on her, aggressively seeking the answers I should have given him myself, I sat in the library and tried, though her scent was all over me, tried to focus on my calc book:

Note that an algebraic equation over the rationals can always be converted to an equivalent one in which the coefficients are integers (where equivalence refers to the fact that the two equations will have the same solutions). For example, multiplying through by 42 = 2•3•7, the algebraic equation above becomes the algebraic equation

42y4 + 21xy = 14x3 ? 42xy2 + 42y2 ? 6

Although the equation

eT x²+1 xy + sin(T)z – 2= 0
T
is not an algebraic equation in four variables (x, y, z and T) over the rational numbers (because sine, exponentiation and 1/T are not polynomial functions) it is an algebraic equation in the three variables x, y, and z over Q((T)), the field of formal Laurent series in T over the rational numbers. Indeed, the coefficients

eT = 1 + T + T² + T³ + …
2! 3!

What am I doing?

I² + Tara + Tara loves me = Who! I! am!
I (1) love(2) her(3) Where I’m supposed to

I had known this from the moment I first kissed her. What am I doing? You have to set this right, tell Oz, tell everyone. You’re gay Willow, you’re so gay and you’re so in love and it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you and if you lose her because you’re too scared then you really are a wuss Rosenberg and they were right to call you a loser in high school though your clothes have improved a lot since then…

And suddenly she was there, at the library talking and he’d become the beast, he’d changed and tried to hurt her and they’d taken him and oh God how did it get so messy? Couldn’t I just fall in love and it be simple?

I didn’t have time to tell her then; as is the norm in Sunnydale I had a great big mess to sort out with the help of my friends who are so much more than that, who are my family, and who, like any good family would love me no matter what. We did the right thing; we got Oz out of the Initiative and to safety. Then I did the right thing, the thing I should have done a day or so ago, I sat in his van and I told him that that I loved Tara, that she made me happy and then we parted properly, this time forever.

Watching him drive away I felt a great burden break away from me, it made me feel all floaty. I was free at last, free of who I’d been, free of the Willow they laughed at in high school, free of trying to fit in, of hiding behind books and a computer. I was free to go to her and tell her that I was ready, ready to start our journey properly, to love her in the way that she deserved.

I went to my room to freshen up; I wanted to look my best, well best might not be the most appropriate choice of adjective given the no-sleep, emotional trauma, daring rescue and all. Only when I got there I remembered that there was no electricity. I grabbed a candle, lit it and made my way in the darkness to Tara’s dorm. Oh God oh God oh God, how do I begin to explain all of this to her? I knocked on her door, she answered, still wearing my sweater, her room was dark. I began speaking the need to break the silence overwhelming me, “No candles? Well I brought one, it’s extra flamey”. She didn’t respond tell her tell her tell her, “Tara,” I began, “I have to tell you…”

“No,” she interrupted, “I-I understand. Y-You have to be with the person you l-love”,

I beamed at her, what else could I say, “I am.” I am, I love her, I love her, I love her.

I² + Tara + Tara loves me = Who! I! am!
I(1) love(2) her(3) Where I’m supposed to be?

My heart felt as though it would burst through my chest, her eyes shone.

And she smiled, and, as if to be sure asked, “You mean?”

“I mean,” I replied, wanting her to know, to be sure. “Okay?”

“Oh yes,” Goddess she’s so sexy, and her voice has gone all husky again and yes I did just think the word ‘sexy’ out loud ‘cause, well look at her. Look. At. Her. Before I could show her just how happy she made me I had to explain, “I feel horrible about everything I put you through, a-and I'm gonna make it up to you, starting right now”.

“Right now?” I nodded my reply and with that she blew out the candle. I watched the smoke drift upwards in the moonlight and, once she’d set it down, I took her in my arms. (How do I always know what she wants?) I couldn’t stop myself from weeping, this time out of love and happiness and the knowledge that I could finally unburden myself to her, “I love you, Tara; I love you, only you and always you”.
“Oh I love you too my Willow, f-from the moment our h-hands met that night I knew that I loved you”. And so this night, a different, but no less special night, and in the full-moonlight we began our long life of sharing, of kisses and gay love, of she, and of me.

Fin.

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Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. - Jeanette Winterson, Gut Symmetries

Yay for great update-y goodness...

_________________
We few, we happy few. We band of buggered.

Posting While Nude Improves Your Mood.

That was absolutely awesome. The way you write is fantastic. I hope you write some more…. And soon pls

More soon, yes yes yes!

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'Tara Tarantula. Hairy black legs. Now that's a thought.'
-Sleek, Three Words

Well done. I hope you keep writing for us. Thank you.

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The dlline Short Fic Thread

Excellent conclusion!

I think the show really wanted to create a "Who will she choose?" scenario. I agree with your comment. Was it really a choice?

I like this story even more now that it's completed. The journey from realizing she was attracted to Tara to loving Tara to TELLING Tara she loved her was beautiful.

Very much looking forward to the Tara-centric story.

Thanks for sharing your stories. Can't wait for more.

Great fic!