Title: Bleed To Love Her
Author: LeatherQueen leatherqueen@earthlink.net
Spoilers: Everything up through Season 6 episode “Wrecked”
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yes, please. I’d like to know if this is any good, or if I’ve finally lost all of my marbles. Honest criticism appreciated.
Distribution: You’re kidding, right? If you’re actually interested, e-mail me.
Disclaimers: Joss Whedon, that mad genius, owns and creates all. I am merely tiptoeing through his fantasies.
Notes: This is my first (and probably only) fic. The images wouldn’t stop rambling through my brain until I wrote it down. It struck me while watching Fleetwood Mac’s The Dance on tape and listening to Lindsey Buckingham sing this song. Maybe now my brain will shut up so that I can go back to quietly beta-reading other people’s work.
Oh, and this thing is chock-full of angst. So beware.
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Bleed To Love Her
December 29, 2001
By LeatherQueen
Tara woke with her breath caught in her throat, sweat streaming down her brow. Her hand fluttered up to clutch at her heart, as the last remnants of her dream skittered off to her subconscious. All she could remember of her nightmare were dark clouds and haunting whispers, ripping claws and a familiar voice calling out in pain. But she knew, without a doubt, where the dream came from.
“Willow…”
*******************************************
Buffy shuffled up to the door, wondering who could be knocking at 1 in the morning, hoping it wasn’t Spike come to torment her. She didn’t think she could stand up to seeing him so soon again.
As she looked through the peephole, she saw Tara, wringing her hands and looking flustered. Buffy pulled the door open and hurriedly invited Tara inside.
“Tara! What’s wrong? Is someone hurt? Did-”
“Where’s Willow?” Tara cut in breathlessly, glancing quickly between Buffy and the staircase.
“Oh.” Buffy looked furtively away, wondering how Tara found out so quickly. It had just been a few hours since Buffy had helped Willow home and to her room, and just a half-hour since she had left her room after their talk. She had been sitting alone in her own room since that time, and had only come down to get a soda to help her stay awake when she heard the tentative knocking on the door.
“So, you heard about what happened, huh?” Buffy asked, hoping it wasn’t Spike who went and woke the blond witch up with the news of Willow’s latest tumble into darkness.
Tara glanced at Buffy, then went back to staring up the steps to the second floor. “No, I haven’t. I just… um,… listen Buffy, is Willow upstairs? ‘Cause if she isn’t…” As Tara said this, she started to walk towards the steps, half-creeping, almost afraid of what she’d find.
Buffy reached out to grab Tara’s arm, keeping her from going upstairs. “If no one called you, then I need to tell you before you go up there. Something happened tonight, and-”
“I know, Buffy.” Tara sighed. “I know. I felt it. I just… I need to see her first, ok? Then you can tell me what happened.”
“Alright.” Buffy let go of Tara’s arm and watched the witch slowly make her way upstairs. “I’ll wait here for you.” Buffy called up to her, knowing she wasn’t being heard right now. She went and curled up into the corner of the couch, staring out the window into the darkness of the night.
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Tara stood at the top of the stairs, looking down the hallway at the closed door of her former room. She knew Willow lay just inside. She knew it, because she could feel her pain, made even more sharp and piercing by her closeness.
Tara had lain in her bed in her lonely dorm room, staring into the darkness for several moments after she had woken from her dream, trying to make herself go back to sleep. But she knew sleep would not come until she answered the call she heard in her dream. Willow had called to her, and she could not help but respond.
So now she stood there, being pulled like a moth to a candle. But it wasn’t magic Willow was calling her with. Tara felt the burning pain of Willow’s struggle with the darkness and, although she knew she shouldn’t, she could not help but come to her. She loved Willow with all that she was, and all that she ever would be. And Tara’s heart bled with the anguish she could feel her love now going through.
As she slowly walked down the hall, Tara started to hear Willow’s gasping breath as she struggled with herself, trying not to do magic. Tara let her hand fall flat against the door, then leaned in and laid her forehead against it, as a lone tear streaked down her cheek. She didn’t know what was worse: feeling Willow’s struggle, or knowing that she could do little to help her love through this difficult time. She struggled for composure as she gripped the doorknob and went in.
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Buffy turned her head from the window and looked up the steps as she heard the door to Willow’s room open, and winced at Tara’s gasp when she saw Willow. Buffy sighed and went back to watching the night, cursing her slayer hearing when she heard Tara’s pain-filled whisper, followed slowly by the soft click of the door closing.
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“Oh Willow…”
Tara looked at the red-head by the light of the moon shining through the half-drawn curtains. ‘Pain… such pain.’ Tara thought, as she watched Willow draw in a shaky breath and slowly open up glazed green eyes that turned her way.
“Tara…?” Willow croaked, her tongue feeling swollen in her dry mouth. “Am I dreaming? Are you really-”
“Shhh, yes darling,” Tara said, as she quickly crossed to the bed, sitting down and clutching Willow’s hand. “I’m really here.”
Willow closed her fingers around the smooth, cool skin of Tara’s hand and shut her eyes as yet more tears fell down her cheeks. She curled herself around Tara’s seated form, and sobbed as another stab of displaced magic coursed through her system.
“It hurts, Tara… so much… I can’t take it…”
“I know.” Tara crooned, running her free hand through Willow’s damp red hair. “It’ll be alright. Just rest now,” she said, then leaned down to place a soft kiss on Willow’s forehead.
Tara scooted around and up to lean against the headboard, pulling Willow along with her to lay in her lap. She leaned over to the bedside table and turned on the clock radio, searching for some music. As she turned the dial, the soulful voice of Lindsey Buckingham called out from one station. She left it there, listening to the words as she held Willow’s chilled, shaking form against her.
Once again she steals away
Then she reaches out to kiss me
And how she takes my breath away
Pretending that she won't miss me
Oohh I would bleed to love her
Bleed to love her
Oohh I would bleed to love her
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As she heard the soft music wafting down from the second floor, Buffy got up and wandered into the kitchen. She grabbed a soda out of the fridge, and climbed onto a stool, resting her elbows on the butcher’s block in the middle of the floor. She fiddled with the tab, as she tried to block the images that streamed in her mind. The song’s words taunted her as she pulled back into herself, feeling her mind go quiet, and still, and just… not there.
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And once again she calls to me
Then she vanishes in thin air
And how she takes my breath away
Pretending that she's not there
Oohh I would bleed to love her
Bleed to love her
Oohh I would bleed to love her
Tara watched the rise and fall of Willow’s chest as she slept. She stayed where she was, knowing that her calming presence was helping Willow sleep. She could still feel the ache caused by the pull of the magic ripping through Willow’s body, but it was muted by her presence. As if their connection, though tattered and strained, still helped to cushion the pain of withdrawal.
She turned her eyes to Willow’s hair as she unconsciously drew her fingers through it, half-listening to the song on the radio. She was tired, but she knew she couldn’t… wouldn’t sleep this night. She had to be strong, just this once, for Willow’s sake. At dawn, she would leave, and let Willow work it out alone the rest of the way. But for now, she would hold her love, and let her rest.
Somebody's got to see this through
All the world is laughing at you
Somebody's got to sacrifice
If this whole thing's going to turn out right
Oohh I would bleed to love her
Bleed to love her
Oohh I would bleed to love her
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Buffy watched from the couch as Tara came down the stairs at dawn, exhaustion evident in every step she took. Tara’s eyes tracked to hers, and she spoke as she hit the bottom step.
“She’s resting now. She’ll be okay… eventually. B-but she’ll need help. You’ll-”
“Me? But what about you? Won’t you be here to help her? Now that she’s sworn off the magic?” Buffy broke in, as she stood up and walked over to Tara.
“No. I c-can’t… it’s too much... I just… can’t. And she needs to do this herself, mostly. But she’ll need her best friend to pick her up when she falls. And she will, Buffy. She’ll fall, but you have to help her up again.”
Buffy shook her head and plaintively asked, “But why me? I can’t handle this right now. I have Dawn to take care of, and… and… other things…”
“Buffy,” Tara sighed, as she reached over, laying her hand on the slayer’s shoulder. “Just g-go to her, and help her. I think you b-both need each other right now, more than sh-she needs me.”
Buffy finally acquiesced as she heard the blond witch’s stuttering become worse from fatigue and pain. “Okay, Tara, okay. I’ll do it.”
She watched as Tara moved towards the door, intending to leave. “Wait!”
Tara turned her head as her hand hit the door handle, asking with her eyes what Buffy wanted.
“Don’t you want to know what happened tonight? I mean,… isn’t that why you came over here?”
Tara shook her head. “No. I don’t need to know the specifics. I felt what happened and I…” Tara shook her head again, and peered up at Buffy through her bangs. “Goodnight, Buffy.”
And with a half-hearted wave, Buffy watched as the blond witch walked out and shut the door. She stood awhile longer in the entryway, not knowing what to do, where to turn, when she heard a strangled cry of pain and loss come from upstairs. With one last look at the closed door, Buffy turned and headed up the stairs, determined to try and put aside her own problems as she helped her best friend.
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As Tara walked along the street, her head hanging down, she felt the cry of her beloved when she woke alone. She stopped for a moment on the sidewalk, trying to catch her breath, then squared her shoulders and kept walking. She knew Willow had to face this, and learn to deal with her addiction. But though her head knew the grim truth, her heart still bled with the pain of loving her.
Oohh I would bleed to love her
Bleed to love her
Oohh I would bleed to love her
Oohh I would bleed to love her
Bleed to love her
Oohh I would bleed to love her
finis
Edited by: Warduke at: 3/24/02 7:21:26 pm
