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Developing: Intra-Office Soulmates

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Developing: Intra-Office Soulmates

Postby closetromantic19 » Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:24 pm

This is the first story I've posted on the Pens, it's really just in development at this point. Right now all I've got is an Intro chapter and it's a little on the short side, gimme a shout out. The title is really just a working title.
"Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud." Riley in "Family"
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Intra Office Soulmates: Intro Chapter

Postby closetromantic19 » Tue Jul 05, 2005 8:27 pm

Title: Intra-Office Soulmates (1/?)
Author: Katie
Rating: NC-17
Uber Setting: Contemporary
Status: In progress
Note(s): Thoughts in italics.

CHAPTER 1

There are only so many things one can assume about a twenty-six-year old woman in this day and age who is unmarried and who has no plans to get married, and one of them is that her career is more important. It was an admirable, if not daunting, trait in a person but Cordelia Chase had to respect it. According to her father, next to good breeding a good work ethic was the best trait a person could have. Right now it was the trait she needed. She was to go on leave for her honeymoon in barely two months. She didn’t have time to plan a vacation to Aruba and train a replacement. She needed someone competent, and fast.

Tara Maclay had had two jobs in her twenty-six years, the most demanding of which included the question: ‘would you like fries with that?’ dozens of times a day. Yet she was by no stretch of the imagination stupid. An MBA from Brown University was proof enough of that. No, it wasn’t intelligence she lacked. Truth be told, she didn’t like the corporate life. She hated golf, loathed water cooler gossip. Something about being trapped inside a tiny cubicle, a mindless drone, working the nine to five…she couldn’t do it. And this gig is different how, Tare? She mused. And in the end it wasn’t, and there was no convincing herself otherwise. It had been on a whim that she had even applied; repeatedly shocked by the success she had in convincing human resources, senior management, and various board members that she was up to the task. Now here she was, on her way to interview with Cordelia Chase, third richest woman in the world, and the most intimidating by reputation.

“Alexander Harris, I don’t give a rat’s ass about company policy; I am not hanging up this phone until you tell me why you haven’t proposed to me yet?!”

It crossed Tara’s mind that those who had called Cordelia the most intimidating woman in the world had been misinformed. She let that thought pass, however, and allowed herself to take in the sheer luxury of the waiting room before her, and the enraged bottle blonde at the reception desk, where one of a multitude of phones was now ringing.

The receptionist picked it up on the second ring without a pause. “Chase Industries, please hold,” and returned to berating Alexander, whoever that was. Another phone rang. “Hold please, Chase Industries. No I cannot take your message. No I cannot put you through.” And another ring. “Hold, dammit! Because I’m busy. Because I said so. Because of you men and your commitment issues! Bastards!” She slammed down the phone triumphantly.

Tara began to wonder how she was ever going to get in to see Ms. Chase, when she felt the receptionist’s eyes on her. She glanced up to see that the blonde woman was glancing at her curiously, an expectant look on her face. “Anya Jenkins,” the woman said, in a voice so full of energy and kindness it frightened Tara after the tyrannical outburst of only moments before.

“That is,” the woman continued more sternly, “I’m Anya Jenkins. I don’t have any idea who you are.”

Tara could only stare blankly.

“It’s customary in social situations, particularly those of introduction,” Anya barreled on, oblivious to the shock of the woman before her, “to begin by saying one’s own name, to let the other person know to whom they are speaking.”

“T-tara…my name is…Tara—“ Tara began awkwardly.

Anya spoke suddenly into a headset receiver, startling her, “Xander, I hear you trying to sneak away, I’m not finished with you yet!” To Tara she said, “Tara…Tara what? Do you have an appointment?"

Tara was beginning to regret her decision to re-enter the work force. She felt the impatient eyes of the receptionist on her again and fumbled for an answer that didn’t sound as lost as she felt. “I ha-have an appointment with Ms. Chase. The job,” she finished blankly.

Anya was immediately contrite. “Xander,” she said urgently into her headset, “I have to go, I’ll call you back.” She moved around her desk and before Tara knew what was happening Anya was shaking her hand overzealously and leading her into a private waiting room. “Miss Maclay, of course, right this way, can I get you something to drink?”

[hr]
Any thoughts? I feel like this opening chapter is a little (or a lot shorter than it should be) I have future ones planned but I'm having trouble continuing. Standard chapter length is about 2000 words and this one's only about 800 or so...I know it's stupid but it feels like it's missing something and I just don't know where I can afford to be more descriptive without messing up the flow.[hr]
Last edited by closetromantic19 on Thu Jul 07, 2005 2:33 am, edited 6 times in total.
"Yeah, a lot of young people nowadays are experimenting with shortness. Gotta nip that in the bud." Riley in "Family"
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Re: Developing: Intra-Office Soulmates

Postby Hemiola » Wed Jul 06, 2005 5:02 am

Well, your prose style is certainly very readable, although I assume you meant to write "bottle blond" and not "bottled blond" :lol .

Now I'm gonna ask a stupid question: what is an "ueberfic", and how is it different from an ordinary "AU" fic?? (Forgive my ignorance).
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Re: Developing: Intra-Office Soulmates

Postby cosmic dancer » Wed Jul 06, 2005 1:41 pm

My initial impression is very good. It makes me want to read more, which is what you want as a writer. I love the way in which you've portrayed Anya. You seem to have got some of her manarisms perfectly.

I agree with Hemiola that your stlye is easy to read, but i think it would be clearer on the screen with a line gap between paragraphs to space it out a bit.

You've said the story is in development, do you have many ideas on how you will develop it yet?

If you'd like more detailed feedback on any particular aspect of your writing, it would help people if you said which areas you are concerned about eg charcterisation, plot development, use of spelling / grammer etc

I look forward to reading the next installment when you post it. :-D
~ cosmic dancer

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Re: Developing: Intra-Office Soulmates

Postby The_Lord_J » Wed Jul 06, 2005 4:30 pm

This is cool.

But yes, paragraphs needed badly.

Other than that, the actual writing looks great, you seem to have crammed a lot of action into a very small space at the end there, with Anya taking 50 calls at once etc...I like it. I can totally see Anya acting like that, you seem to have written her quite well; it certainly made me chuckle.

I can't really tell *exactly* where the story is going yet (although I can guess to some extent from the title), so I can't comment on the overall idea, but this looks good so far.

The only thing that slightly confused me was the switch in the point of view between the first and second paragraphs - it seems that the first is from Cordelia's perspective and the second from Tara's...maybe that's just me reading it wrong (it's been a loooooooong day)...

Also it might be an idea to put thoughts in italics.
"Bugger, I thought you'd gone!" - Ethan Rayne
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Re: Developing: Intra-Office Soulmates

Postby SavageWaters19 » Wed Jul 06, 2005 7:27 pm

Uber fic is where the characters have never met, have no buffy the vampire slayer background. Normally, the group puts xander and anya together in the fiction, but other then that, Willow/Tara usually find themselves through something other than that derived from Buffy. AU (Alternate Universe) means that even though the characters might be different or found by some other means then the show, they still have the basis of Buffy, generally rooted in Sunnydale=Hellmouth and the audience can pick up on some connection to the show.
Dopplegayland=AU because of Vamp willow/hellmouth (buffy)/ willow/oz is generally AU.
Jaws of Hell=Uber because Willow/Tara find each other through a means of something other than witchcraft and the other BtVS characters are friends or lack-there-of because of different life expierences.
I sure hope that cleared it up. If I confused you further, sorry. I even confused myself a bit.
"She practically had plastic stamped on her ass.....just trying a little spicey talk."
-Tara
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