My Friend's Dad Died...

[WiccanBex]

i know this is a little OT... but i just really need to get some things off my chest... and there's no daily thread that i can see and i'm really not in the state of mind to start one right now.

i found out this morning that my friend's dad died. my friend's dad died... and i don't know what to say.
Nothing makes sense anymore. i keep thinking about how i don't see my dad all that much, and how i barely speak to him... and then i think about how i would feel if i could never see him again...

no one should have to go through what my friend is going through. there's only so much bad luck a person can have before they just implode...

school is weird today.

everyone's walking around trying to be normal... and no one knows what normal is anymore.

it's the first day back after half term, so everyone's really happy to see their friends again, but everyone's afraid to laugh... afraid to smile... afraid to say anything that might make people forget, even for a second, that someone died.

someone we know doesn't have a dad anymore. and all the crying in the world won't bring him back but it's as though the whole school has forgotten that and they're trying anyway.

trying to bring him back with tears for someone half of us never even met.

but that doesn't seem to matter. everyone's sharing stories about how nice he was... about how he made everyone laugh and how he always had a smile on his face...

and i never even met him but i keep finding myself seeing that smile in my head... that cheerful face and those kind eyes... i never even met him but i keep thinking about how that smile's gone, and somehow it feels like i've lost something too... and i just don't know how to fix it.

everyone's quiet. no one knows what to say.

i saw my head of year hug someone thing morning. i've never seen that before. it's like he stopped caring about how awkward it might... stopped caring about how he's suposed to be someone of authority... someone we're supposed to almost be scared of... and he just let go. just let go and hugged a crying teenage girl... and he was crying too... and he just held on so tight, it looked like he would never let go.

he's never done that before.

and it's hard because no one can make the tears stop and everyone's trying to ignore it because they think that maybe ignoring it will make it go away.

but it won't. and it doesn't stop.

and i know there's gonna come a time when i'm gonna see my friend... and i'm just not gonna know what to say.

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"if you throw a stone, something's gonna shatter somewhere. We're all so fragile, we're all so scared."
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[lion + dove]

as to not knowing what to say to your friend, just know that it's probably just as awkward for her. i know that doesn't sound terribly encouraging... something along the lines of "you know I love (like) you a lot, and I'm here for whatever you need [you sound like you want to be there for her, but only say this if you mean it]. Whether it's silly, fun stuff or just to listen." then follow her lead, whether she wants diversion or to talk about it. don't push the subject.

i'm 21, and i lost my mom one month and 4 days ago. sometimes too many condolences (or people you barely know being all "if there's anything you need" though you'd be surprised how much some of them really mean it (and have helped)) are much more awkward and oppressive than none at all would be. just follow her lead. i'm very sorry for her loss.

as for you, my advice is this. if you feel you don't see enough of your father or your relationship isn't as good as you wish, fix that now. there's nothing worse than not having made your peace. i can't tell you how much it meant to me that i spent so much time with mom, especially this last year while she was sick, that we had said all we ever needed to, and had no outstanding issues. when we knew she would die within 48 hours, it was so wonderful that all I had to say was "I'm here, Mom." "I love you so much." and "I'm so proud of you." nothing to get off my chest, or anything else. just love and gratitude for having been blessed to have had her in my life.

do not take for granted that you'll always have time later to fix things or spend time with them. every day with your parents is a gift.

i know i'm lucky to have had such a wonderful mom, and that others don't have as good of relationships with their parents (for reasons on both sides). and my advice is still make your peace now. even if its just detente or an understanding, it's much better that than waking up one morning to find out they died in the night and you left so much unsaid/undone.

every time you leave the house or hang up the phone tell them you love them (if you do). i know that sounds cheesy and watnot, but i always did and it gave me a peace. plus it strengthens the relationship. and even if you have your parents well into your 50s or 60s, that is 45+ years of expressed love.

i think that's why it's affecting people in your school so much- you are all still young to think of losing a parent. and everyone is imagining what if it had been them.

edited to fix so typos.

[This message has been edited by lion + dove (edited February 18, 2002).]

[Hanki]

First of all i'm really sorry about what happened and second i agree with what lion + dove said. my friend lost her dad a little while back and i know we helped her by just being there and listening to she said, it sounds kinda cheesy and cliched but it's true.

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Hannah's Home -- My Collective Creative Crap

"Thank you Professor Higgins, after one lesson I feel I can speak perfectly."

[This message has been edited by Hanki (edited February 18, 2002).]

[KathleenWolf]

I know that alot of people will/have probably told you this already but the best thing you can do for your friend is listen.

I've worked in fields closely related to grief and have lost several very close people myself and above anything else the thing to remember is listen... whether its cause your friend wants to relive a story, talk about the day to day fuctions during this horrible time, or just ignore the obvious for a bit... your friend will need you to listen...

the only constant in grief is that everyone deals with it in there own way... and everyone has the right to deal with it in there own way...

that you want to be there for your friend in whatever way you can is a powerful message that will come across no matter how out of sorts or hesitate you feel in what to say... compassion and support are emotion's that don't always needs words

and remember in all of this to take time for yourself... this tragedy has obviously caused you to reflect on your own life and that reflection deserves time and contemplation

take care

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"Are all you witches gay?" Buffy - Walking In Circles

[BabyWillow81]

I agree with lion+dove also. I know what its like to lose people so close to me, and I know how hard it can be to consle a person whos just lost a family memeber, somtimes it best just to let them know you are there for them. But if they ask give them there space you know, i know when andy died in august i felt best just sorta locked in my room and watching videos of us skateborading together..well my gf was there for me and it made me feel a lot better too. This has turned sort of into a ramble but i hope it makes some sense, and in some way can help you....

[Evie]

I just want to say that I am very sorry for your friend's loss and your sadness as well. Your story hit very close to home when I read it...my best friend and girlfriend lost her sister last March. I was in Italy for the week, and felt totally helpless in being able to do anything. When I returned to Canada, it wasn't any easier figuring out how I could be there for her. I agree with what everyone here has already said, you need to listen, and also to only say what you mean. Just be really really honest with her...she is probably getting a lot of "I'm sorry"'s, but it might be comforting for your friend to hear your commitment to her, also see if you can do the practical things for her (for example, I was at the funeral reception and there were a million dishes to be done - I did those). It's a very difficult thing to deal with...and it will take a very long time to grieve his death. Just be honest with your friend and listen...and know that it's okay for you to be sad too - don't be afraid to get support if you need it. If you wait at least a few weeks, maybe you could get her something that will help her to relax (eg. a certificate for a massage), but be sure to convey that you know it doesn't replace her loss...or that it will make everything okay, but that you just want to make sure she is taking care of herself during this difficult time. And you take care too!

[shellybean]

I know how it feels to lose someone important to you, especially recently. I lost a really good friend on Sept. 11 and I just only give my condolences and love.

[Wolfie]

All the wise things have already been said, Bex, so I'll just offer hugs, and send my love and all that.

Actually, just had a thought: I don't know if it helps, but when I've had to deal with a trauma, like loss, or whatever, I have always found it easiest to cope when my friends have just been their normal, lovable selves. It's always nice to be able to just talk, and feel that they're listening, and I can also say, that when the boot's been on the other foot, it's been good for me to just listen, too.

As usual, my e-mail is only a little posting board icon away, and you are welcome to use it, if you want a friendly ear.

Take care.

L.

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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.

[Dr.G]

Sorry to hear about your friend's loss Bex. My father died when I was 21 and a few days later I went back to college, it felt weird to watch people go about their business as if nothing happened, but that is the way it is. Anyway, a few years later the mother of a good friend of mine died and I *still* did not know what to say. Speaking for myself just a 'simple' condolence meant a lot, even if I did not really know the person who gave it, no need for big words, just knowing people thought about me or my father was enough. Hmmph not much help I am.
All the best to you and your friend.

[This message has been edited by Dr.G (edited February 19, 2002).]

[WiccanBex]

you guys are the best!

i'm feeling much better today...

i saw my dad last night... we didn't talk much, but i hugged him and said "don't you ever die!" in a tone that said all that it needed to whilst covering some of the smushiness and leaving me with some dignity. lol.

i just hope that my friend will be ok... i don't think she really has anyone that she can just talk to right now. i mean, i can come here and spill my heart all over the virtual page... but i don't think that she has that... she's a little bit hard to get close to... likes to keep herself to herself...

i guess that if she needs us... we'll be there

thanks for your help, guys

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"if you throw a stone, something's gonna shatter somewhere. We're all so fragile, we're all so scared."
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[buffelina]

Kitty hugs and love your way ...

[Wolfix]

Bex, baby. So sorry. big fat hugs for you and your friend and her family and friends.

My friend's dad died just before the HSC last year. She wasn't a close friend of mine, but it affected everyone nevertheless. What was the scariest about it was that he dies of a heart attack. He was the fittest, healthiest man anyone knew and he just died one day. Just like that. No warning, no weak heart or high blood pressure or anything.

They say it was stress. You can imagine how that made Michelle (his daughter) feel. When your kid is doing her end-of-high school exams, parents tend to get very stressed about it, so no doubt Michelle felt partially responsible. Not that it was at all her fault, but you can understand - anyway to put the blame on yourself.

It was tough for her close friends, especially because she was able to talk about it so soon after it happened, she grieved more intensely and her friends were still getting used to it all, so they just listened and cried with her and were strong when they could be and just let her know how much she was loved, how she needed to hold on.

Good luck Bex. It gets easier. Tara said it all in 'Forever'.

Prayers and love,
Pen

[Kittie17]

Mmm i'm not very good writing in english what i think but i'll try.
I'm 17 and last year i lost my dad too. I know about that feeling, when nothing makes sense anymore. The world is still spinning but for you nothing will ever be the same. At first is very hard, but i think time can heal. Not that much, 'cos for me it's been a year and i still cry at night thinking on my dad. I think.. i don't know. When my dad died my friends spent the night with me, just crying with me, not talking. And then at school I think people was afraid of say something. But i like when people come and say "You have to remember the good stuff about your day" and bla bla. Although, for me the truth is that there's nothing you can say to make things better. Life goes on. Maybe it feels different, but you have to go on, 'cos you can't live thinking on what happened. Live the present and think about the future. I think, the best thing to do as a friend is just be there, sometimes words are not usefull, but being there means a lot.
I hope this was good, i don't know. And sorry about my english

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Todo lo que necesitamos es sentido comun y eso no puede ser enseñado