OT- Anger Advice

[aladdin]

Hey everyone,

I hope it's OK if I post this here..maybe someone can take some time to give me some advice, because right now I don't know who else I could talk with.

I'm in the US as a foreign exchange student for a year and I'm living with a host family for almost seven months now. The first months I spent with two other host families, a lot of crap happened with the first one, the second one didn't have any room to host me longer than a couple of days. It was pretty much a big row of mistakes made by my exchange organization. So I'm living with my final family for about 6 months and it might not be the perfect match, but we get along well and we like each other. It's just, that I spent the last half year trying to be perfect. Little Miss 100 at school, always polite, part of all the extracurricular activities. That's alright but..it's just: You can't always be controlled, nice and polite. But in all these months I haven't raised my voice once, never expressed my anger or sadness and just gulped all these emotions down. I can't yell at or talk back to my host family, my friends certainly don't deserve to become the target of my suppressed emotions and there's no one I could talk to about it. I can't worry my family and friends at home, they had such a hard time in the first weeks of uncertainty and I just can't involve them into this. They have enough own things going on. And I can't just talk about all the things that bother me with someone here, because I can't show up my host family. I always have to stay in controll..it was hard enought o get through September 11 without anyone to talk to. I just have to gulp it down, like all the other things...now it feels like there is just no more space for all the feelings I'm constantly trying to ignore.

The biggest problem is that a huge anger has built up inside me..it just needs one little trigger and I explode. And then it's almost impossible to stop my rage..yesterday was one of these trigger-days and I just can't controll this anger inside me, can't make it stop. There's no real release for it. Usually, I can't stay mad for more than 3 hours but this time it's totally different.

Can't anyone help me? Tell me that I just have to shut up and go on? I feel so trapped and I just don't know how to get out of this vicious circle..maybe you can't help me but at least, I could write it down somewhere.

CU.

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On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

[Kakamabee]

I htink you should express the anger. Im not saying you should go out and punch somenody, just comunicate with them. Take it from me, take care of it now before something really bad happens.(no i did not kill noone j/i/c , but i did hurt someone)

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<Xander>
"HEY LADY SHE WHO SMELT IT DELT IT!"," so it's like a a giant poltergasm"

,-._,-.
\/)"(\/
(_o_) ruff!!!!!!
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(| | | |)
oo-oo
Kakamabee :r

[WiccanBex]

have you thought of maybe venting here?

that's what i do.

whenever i'm pissed off/angry/upset/depressed/homacidal/whatever i trundle into the daily thread and let it all come out.

we all understand that sometimes people just need to vent... and sometimes it helps to write things down and really get everything off your chest and know that there are people here who are always willing to help out - even if it's just by lending a friendly ear.

in an ideal world, you'd be able to vent everything to someone in the "real world" and everything would be fine... but it doesn't seem like you feel comfortable doing that...

or.. if you wanna vent, put it all in an e-mail and send it to me WiccanBex@hotmail.com

i know you don't know me, but i'm always online if you need a chat

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"if you throw a stone, something's gonna shatter somewhere. We're all so fragile, we're all so scared."
Convention review site

[The Next Tara Maclay]

Your not alone Dude/Dudette, I have an anger problem serious anger problem, Like Faith(Scary) And Glory its like a mix, What I do is ..well don't do what I do.. I pull my hair and scream my lungs out then throw things across the room, Not a good thing to do!

Just vent it out, Maybe go somewhere by yourself or eat icecream?

[BBOvenGuy]

I had some big-time anger problems when I was younger (especially when I was married). I'm older now and have had six years of therapy (and am no longer married ), but I still get angry sometimes.

The key to survival is to let yourself feel angry while managing that anger so that you don't do something harmful or stupid. When I feel myself about to blow, I absolutely must stomp off and be by myself for a few minutes in order to keep control. (That was one of the problems when I was married - my ex-wife had abandonment issues and couldn't deal with my stomping off. )

The other thing you need to do is give your anger a chance to come out and express itself. No one else has to hear it. Just you. Walk around the block muttering to yourself, take out a sheet of paper and start writing, come here to the Kitten and vent... whatever works. What you'll discover is that once you give your anger a voice, the thing that's at the root of what's bothering you is bound to come out. When that happens, you'll be able to see it and deal with it.

Hope that helps.

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Remember the Kitten Board Mantra: "Joss is nuts about Tara, Willow/Tara and Amber!"
(...and Marti's rather fond of them, too...)

[Aoliaak]

Hey... gonna make a quick answer in french since it seems we're joined at the hip language-wise.

C'est chiant, eh? Un an, une annee entiere a representer le modele meme de la perfection, de la politesse... Oublie jamais qui et ce que tu es. Ecris, si le coeur t'en dis : Aoliaak@hotmail.com

Sorry for the french babble, mods. Just felt right.

[tommo]

Heh, self-confessed Queen of Anger here. Do what I do, make everyone else's life a misery then you're not alone.

No, seriously, vent often and quickly. Short little bursts. Does the trick nicely.

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Sweetie...I'm a fag.

[DISASTERAREA]

Hey I know sorta waht your talking about, Ive always had a short fuse, but the past few years Ive had to put a cap on it because of various reasons (my dad died about 7 years back, my sis was diagnoised with ADHD, at 16 so shes been extremely difficult for 16 years and we havent know why). But it doesnt work to just keep it in, because even the smallest things can trigger an outburst, so my advice is u should talk to someone, anyone, even some u dont know so well. Hell that can some times be better, that way u dont feel like u have to hang back so u dont offend them, if u want to rant or just generally chat my email is da101_uk@hotmail.com
Also take up an activity where u can get out some aggression, I know it sounds like cliched advice, but I tell u when Im in a mood I feel a whole lot better afer Ive had a good tackle....football (or for u americans soccer) people, nothing kinky

[Pixie-Muso]

Yeah, I'd say just vent. It's not good to bottle things up. I know... I really do. The thing is, when you bottle things up for too long, one day, all the anger that's inside you will just erupt like a big volcanic explosion. I suppose all my anger has been building up since the day of my birth. Things have only just begun to release over the past six months or so. My mother is constantly telling me that I have so much anger inside me, but what is she doing about it? She'll tell me that I'm not to call people names - to their face or otherwise, she doesn't exactly agree with my violent streaks (which I'm sure I inherited from my father - who is, ironically enough, a major cause of my anger and frustration most of the time).

I'd say that if you don't wish to verbally or physically express your anger, there are many Kittens who'd be willing to listen, as testament of the e-mail address already been given to you in this thread. If you ever feel like e-mailing to vent, I'm always found at pixie_muso@hotmail.com, same addy for MSN Messenger and pixie_muso for Yahoo Messenger.

However, if you do feel like physically expressing your anger, I'd say go for a run or go to the local gym and do some boxing. Either way, just tire yourself out with exercise so that you'll be too tired to be angry. But that's only momentary if the cause of anger is huge. If it's a particular person your angry with, perhaps you should speak to them. Just a thought.

Don't worry, Aladdin. You're not alone. Good luck.

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"...the hardest thing in this world is to live in it..."
~Buffy, The Gift.

[This message has been edited by Pixie-Muso (edited February 23, 2002).]

[kariva]

hi, alladin,

heaps of good advice here, just one thing i'd add - you said you were in the states as a student? have you checked with your school / college for a counsellor? i'm not sure about the US, but here in Oz we've got counsellors in every school and university, for just the reason you mentioned - sometimes you just need to vent to someone who is impartial. (counsellors don't always need to counsel! if you ask them, they just listen!)

good luck.

[Thanatopsis]

Maybe you should take up kick boxing. In the beginning it would be a good way to let out some tension and then later, when you're better you can just kick people's asses when they piss you off.

I'm kidding. Seriously, venting is probably the best. If you can't do a long rant, several small ones are just as good. If you don't have someone to listen, then finding another way to channel that anger is probably the best solution.

quote:

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Originally posted by kariva:
have you checked with your school / college for a counsellor? i'm not sure about the US, but here in Oz we've got counsellors in every school and university, for just the reason you mentioned - sometimes you just need to vent to someone who is impartial. (counsellors don't always need to counsel! if you ask them, they just listen!)

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excellent advice, kariva. Most schools in the US have some sort of couseling center.

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Kind of an unusual name. There's hardly any except Warren Beatty and, you know, President Harding. It's probably not either of them.
~Willow in IWMTLYquote:

[Wolfie]

Talk. You are a human being, not a machine. You have to express yourself. Here, on the Kitten board, e-mail (feel free at any time - mine is in the little mail icon at the top of this post) - face to face with a school councilor, or even your host family. I'd be surprised, that, if they're nice, supportive people, they won't have noticed a certain ... Tension ... around you, and might be worried about you. My advice, would be to try whatever feels most comfortable for you. But let it out. Otherwise you might burst something, and that won't be good for anyone!

But don't forget - doing what you're doing - being away from home, etc, for so long, is hard for anyone, no matter what age. It's a wonderful, enriching thing to do, but it's also fraught with things that are constantly reminding you how far away you are from home. But if you put yourself in a box that prevents you from being able to control/release those more unpleasant emotions, that's all you'll be able to take away from you, instead of all the wonderful things that can come from such an experience. So, express! You'll feel fantastic afterwards.

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I am the sunlight on the sides of houses.

[Epicurus]

For your long-term well being you should definitely vent, write it down, express it for others to hear/see. It helps get it off your shoulders. I think it will also make you feel better when those people listening to you will give back advice/kudos/understanding and will most liking be non-judgmental.
For an immediate release I suggest running. As soon as your blood starts to boil do some sort of exercise and do it till you are 99% physically exhausted. Most of the time you can deal with whatever your feelings are on a strictly emotionally basis as you end up to spent to act out your anger physically. It won’t solve your problems, just helps to let go of that negative energy.

Edited to add one piece of vital advice. Never listen to depressing or violent music when you are angry. It does not help the situation.

[This message has been edited by Epicurus (edited February 24, 2002).]

[aladdin]

First of all, I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who took the time to share his or her advice with me. And don't worry, I might sometimes be the Queen of Anger (geeze, thanks tommo) but I'm not going to electrocute my teddy bear because of that. Since elementary school, I always had to be aware of the fact that I'm taller and stronger than all the others, so I always accepted the responsibility to be careful with my physical powers. So the last time I was so stupid to really hit someone, was in 3rd grade..and the guy and I made friends afterwards.

Yes, I'm having problems to express my emotions and I've been really working on that since I'm here. But it feels more like I'm going the opposite direction. Wolfie, you are right: I miss my home but that doesn't make me oblivious to the wonderful things here. I'm really enjoying my time here and I'm glad that I made this step. There isn't really a good explanation where the anger comes from...my Mom always encouraged my brother and I to express our emotions. My Dad on the other hand is as open as a tank, that's another story.
What might be an idea is the huge change in temper that had to happen in order to get along here. At home, I've had a really bad temper, got angry quickly but calmed down within minutes. I just never could stay mad, no matter what happened. The only thing I could never forget is something my father did, but it seems that after more than 2 years, we might be able to at least talk about it. So I turned from an impatient person with an extreme temper(I never thought it was that bad but friends told me that I was mistaken) to a patient person who is just the exemplary host daughter/sister.

About talking to someone: It takes years for me to really build that trust to talk about really personal stuff with other people. I really don't like pushiness at all, so I don't push myself onto others as well. And now, I don't want to put my loved ones at home in a situation at home where they worry about me...it was horrible for me to know all the things they went through when the trouble with the first family appeared. When I have problems here, so only good news reach my home.

Thank you for all the offered e-mail adresses, I will come back to you and I'm really grateful to have this "kitten support network". You'll probably hate me all by next week if I really come here and vent till you're exhausted.

My host family and I...yes, we get along. I kinda don't care what my host sister does anymore because I just don't get her. She stands for everything I hate, but of course I'm nice to her. Everyone on this world deserves to be treated with respect, even if I feel the need to rip her head of every other day. My host family, I'm sorry to admit that, are very self-centered people. Sometimes I wonder if they even notice me.

Epicurus, pretty much all the music I have is depressing but I don't suffer the "Rammstein effect" and want to punch someone after I've been listening to it.

Kariva, the two guidance counselors at my school are very high on the list of people I never want to talk with about anything but my schedule. That's an obnoxious thing to say but I don't think that's a real possibility.

I think my immediate plan will be to release some anger on the tennis court, to get it out of my system for at least a short period of time. But I don't know if I'll be strong enough to really express my emotions in the future. But if one of you finds an e-mail in which I vent till I'm tired, you'll see that I improved at least a little bit.

I thank everyone from my heart..have a nice sunday.

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On ne voit bien qu'avec le coeur. L'essentiel est invisible pour les yeux.

[This message has been edited by aladdin (edited February 24, 2002).]