by Pixie » Mon Mar 04, 2002 8:17 pm
by Mini-ALF » Mon Mar 04, 2002 9:13 pm
Michelle
by nika » Tue Mar 05, 2002 7:06 am
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"The word 'GULP!'comes to mind." Tara
by Lonewolf » Tue Mar 05, 2002 1:11 pm
Lonewolf
[This message has been edited by Lonewolf (edited March 05, 2002).]
by Jessie » Tue Mar 05, 2002 2:02 pm
just ... wow.
Please continue soon.
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"And how long have you known your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?"
by Puff » Tue Mar 05, 2002 6:56 pm
quote:
Originally posted by Jessie:
Wow ...just ... wow.
Please continue soon.
My sentiments exactly.
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'The cold and ruthless sea tossed the lovers' into the starry black night. together they fall, together they sleep. forever.. forever.. *whisper*forever..the cold and ruthless sea...' By Sweets
by RomanceJunky » Tue Mar 05, 2002 7:18 pm
RJ
by Mjovi1 » Wed Mar 06, 2002 8:37 pm
by Mjovi1 » Thu Mar 07, 2002 10:02 pm
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"
Summary: Tara makes a decision.
Part 4
I left the house a few minutes later, leaving her behind looking devastated and crying. Her body was bunched up defensively into the sofa almost as if it could protect her from the harshness of what I had just said. She looked in a word, defeated. I felt the same way.
Momma, I know she didn’t understand, God, even I don’t understand - except to say that I’m torn. I love her so much, but just the thought of being with her fills me with dread. That can’t be good right? I’m not supposed to be scared to be with my lover. I think that the logical thing for me to do would be to break it off - end it once and for all. I know in my head, that this is the right decision. This will hurt her less in the long run, will hurt me less. I can’t give her what she so desperately needs, my forgiveness. And by not allowing her that, then I, in essence, cannot give her a future with me.
Have I mentioned that I need her?
That my dreams are haunted by her? Or that I can’t go through a day without thinking about what she is doing? Have I mentioned that I’ve memorized all her quirky facial expressions or the way her hands feel when they are traveling down my body, or that I could recognize her voice in a room full or people? Have I mentioned that her hair smells perfect, that her mind really is the sexiest part of her? That her kisses drive me wild, that her hand on the back of my neck, her fingertips grazing the skin, will make me so aroused that I immediately start concocting ways to get her alone in a room? That she can be so engrossed in a book, but that one kiss of mine behind her ears has her tossing that book across the room and turning around to grab hold of me?
Have I mentioned that I love her?
If soul mates exist, I know she is mine. If ever there was a perfect person for me, it is she. And yet, I’m terrified, immobile in my fear. And that fear is so enormous, it encompasses everything else. Including love. My survival instincts have kicked in. I’m being selfish, but I need to survive.
So I’m going to tell her once and for all the one thing that I’ve been denying to myself ever since she took away my memory, my choices – there is no hope.
by Lonewolf » Fri Mar 08, 2002 12:36 am
Lonewolf
by Kel » Fri Mar 08, 2002 3:52 am
There is right? i mean there just HAS to be *sniff,sniff*
by Mjovi1 » Thu Mar 14, 2002 10:39 am
Part 5
I'm finally at peace. Devastated but at peace. This is the hardest decision I've ever had to make in my life, leaving Willow; letting go.
I'm thinking of leaving Sunnydale. Not right this second leaving, but once I find another school to transfer to, another place to stay, I'm going.
God, I have to figure out how to tell Dawn- Buffy. I'm worried about Buffy right now. She's in so much pain, momma. It tears me up inside to know that she is suffering so. I realize she was happier where she was, in heaven, and that she probably wishes we hadn't brought her back. But we weren't happy, we were barely surviving. We needed her, desperatley. Dawn and...Willow they needed her so much.
I know she'll be okay though, she is loved. Once she opens her heart to all the love that her friends are offering her and tell them what is going on, the burden that she is carrying around by herself will be lifted.
I honestly don't even know where to start about Dawn. I've written to you about her, remember? She's so beautiful momma. So wonderful. Right now she is such a typical teenager. Was I like that? All full of bravado and spitfire? She uses brittle come-backs and witty one-liners as a defense against all the possible daggers that could be aimed at her heart. She doesn't want it hurt more than it already is.
What would I say to her? What could I say that would make my leaving alright? She loves me as much as I love her.
I can't think about this now. All I know is that I have to get away. I've made my decision and staying will only make it harder to follow through. If I stay, I'll run into her, I know I will. And in running into her, I'll see her beautiful eyes, maybe even hear her voice. And like a woman enchanted, I'll be cast under her spell again.
Oh this is impos-
Someone is at the door. I'm trembling. Willow?
[This message has been edited by Mjovi1 (edited March 14, 2002).]
by SuperGreen » Thu Mar 14, 2002 12:07 pm
by SuperGreen » Thu Mar 14, 2002 12:08 pm
by Blue77 » Thu Mar 14, 2002 5:29 pm
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"Infested roots? Trying to turn me on?" ~ Tara
"I have to try now!" ~ Wil
by Mini-ALF » Thu Mar 14, 2002 7:10 pm
Michelle
by Mjovi1 » Fri Mar 15, 2002 5:29 pm
Ahhh!!! I feel like screaming. Shouting at the injustice of it all. It wasn't Willow at the door a little while ago- it was Buffy. And to say that her attitude wasn't all Miss Suzy Sunshine would be putting it mildly. She was furious. Not, as I assumed, at Willow, but at me.
"I just left the house." She said. "How could you?"
"I...what?"
"She's devastated Tara!" She said. "I found Willow on the sofa crying her eyes out. When I asked her what was wrong she said your name, that was all, just 'Tara'."
Hearing that she was crying over me made my heart hurt. But darn it, I did what I had to do! So I stuck my chin out at Buffy defiantly, daring her to take her next shot. I was righteous in my anger.
"I figured she was just missing you as usual," she went on, "but then she tells me that you came by." Buffy stopped and took a breath, as if trying to calm herself. She looked up at me and her eyes were filled with pain for her friend. I looked away.
After a second she continued talking in a whisper, "She told me what you said."
I looked up at her startled. What I said?
____________________________________________
“Tara honey, Will you give me another chance? Will you give us another chance?” She whispered against my lips.
"I don't know if I can." I replied.
She jumped back, as if I had shocked her. In her eyes there was fear and just a hint of despair.
"What? I don't understand. I mean, I get why, but I thought...we were just, and... Huh?"
I sighed. "Willow. It isn't that I don't love you, I do. More than anything in the world." Upon hearing those words, my Willow smiled, the face that just a second ago was filled with fear now was brilliant in it's radiance. It physically pained me to say what was next, "But..."
"NO! No buts." She said, her voice quivering. "Stay with the loving me, loving me is good, because Tar, I love you too, mo-"
"But," I said again, determined to get this out, even if it killed us both, " I just don't see how this can work."
At this she got to her feet and stared down at me on the sofa, she looked determined.
"It can work, it has worked!" she said, almost pleading to me with her words. "Look, I know I messed up, believe me I know and what I did was terrible, unforgivable even, but Tara, I know you. You're the gentlest soul I've ever known. Your heart is full of love and understanding."
I could feel the tears start forming in my eyes.
"I know that I'm being selfish and basically relying on that wonderful nature that you have, but I love you and I need you soo much. I'm asking you to forgive me baby. Please, forgive me."
I was openly crying by then, hearing how she viewed me, knowing that she loved me, it warmed my soul and killed my spirit at the same time.
"Oh sweetie, I do. I do forgive you. Don't ever think that. I know that it was the magick controlling you, and I know that you stopped and I'm very, very proud of you. I forgive you Willow, I do."
"Then what is it?" She pleaded, "Why can't we just work this out?"
"Because I'm afraid!" I yelled.
She took a step back, startled, "Of what?"
"Of you."
_____________________________________________
"How could you?" Buffy whispered harshly.
My face hardened and I turned my back to her. "Please Buffy, just leave this be."
She turned me around. "No, I can't just leave this be. Damnit, it's Willow. I know she's made mistakes, but that doesn't make her something to be...afraid of." She spit the last two words out as if they were venom.
"You made her feel like a monster, like she was something evil...a demon."
"Oh, Buffy..." I said, realizing. I reached out my hand to comfort her but she shrugged away at my touch.
"You're my friend, Tara. I care about you and I thought I knew you...but I never imagined that you could be this cruel." With that she took something out of her jean pocket.
"Willow didn't know I was coming here and she certainly doesn't know I'm about to give you this," she handed me an envelope, "I was with her when she started writing it, a couple of days after my birthday party, when the two of you started talking again. I don't know exactly what she wrote but I do know that it is addressed to you. Take what you will from it."
With that she opened the door to my apartment and left.
Momma, I didn't want to open the letter believe me. I was terrified of the letter. I put it on my dresser and left it there, intent on ignoring it. I went about the house doing chores and making lists, trying not to think of what Buffy had said to me and certainly not thinking about what that letter said.
Ultimately however, its pull was too much for me and I succumbed to temptation.
________________________________________
Tara,
I don't know where to start. How does one go about starting a letter to the person she loves most in the world and the person she has hurt the most as well?
I could start by saying I'm sorry, but you know that. I have to believe you know that. Baby, I've made mistakes, big awful mistakes and I let this thing control me. But even while I was being all kooky, the only real thing to me was you. When you left me, after I did that spell, I knew you were right. I didn't admit it to myself but I was glad you left. Not because you were gone, because, God, that was unbearable, but because then I couldn’t' hurt you. I know I hurt you. And that kills me.
I was so scared Tara. Without you, everything was impossible. So predictably, I used that as an excuse to use more magic. And that magic was terrifying. Rack was terrifying. Knowing that I had that in me was terrifying. But it was better than facing up to everything. Better to knowing that I screwed up and that caused me to lose you.
The night of the accident with Dawn was the turning point for me. Everyone thinks that it's because I hurt Dawn and believe me that was a big reason, but it wasn't the main one.
I was in that car, tripping on magic, but I was aware. I knew the car was going too fast, I knew we were going to hit something-that we could get hurt. But I didn't care.
Part of me wanted to. I wanted to get hurt. I wanted to, I don't know; end up in a coma or something. Maybe even die.
I know this sounds terrible, God, I realize how awful it is now. But you were my everything and I had failed you and rather than face up to my mistakes, I, like a little child, wanted to use my death as a way out. Pretty stupid huh?
I was scared silly of what I had become. And it was then, after Dawn slapped me, boy that girl can hit, and after Buffy almost turned away, that I realized I had to grow up.
I wasn't who you feel in love with anymore. I was something spooky, something dark.
That night I cried out your name and knew I had to win you back.
Baby, everyday is a challenge, but everyday I know I can do it...for you.
I don't want to become that person again; I want to be the one you fell in love with. So, I'll try everyday, I'll win back your trust, I will. You're my everything and I love you.
__________________________________________
Momma, what am I supposed to do now?
[This message has been edited by Mjovi1 (edited March 15, 2002).]
[This message has been edited by Mjovi1 (edited March 16, 2002).]
by RomanceJunky » Fri Mar 15, 2002 6:16 pm
RJ
by Kittie17 » Fri Mar 15, 2002 7:41 pm
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If there's a better place you can take me, a better life you can give me, whatever place i can start all over. Then i would never need what you gave me, i never need you to save me and never feel like this life it's over over.
Todo lo que necesitamos es sentido comun y eso no puede ser enseñado
by Mini-ALF » Fri Mar 15, 2002 9:07 pm
Michelle
by DaRebel » Fri Mar 15, 2002 10:16 pm
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"No, no potions. It's not magic, it's chemistry. You can tell by how damn slow it is!" Willow 'Doublemeat Palace'
by Catwalks » Fri Mar 15, 2002 10:32 pm
I love the way you write!
You have a wonderfully refreshing writing style
one thing though!!??
can you write a little quicker - the suspense is killing me!
B
by Pixie » Fri Mar 15, 2002 11:11 pm
by Lonewolf » Sat Mar 16, 2002 12:18 am
Lonewolf
by ForeverPiper » Sat Mar 16, 2002 10:39 am
by Mjovi1 » Sat Mar 16, 2002 1:05 pm
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