Author: Tempest (Vicki)
Spoilers: All episodes this season (6)
Pairing: Will/Tara
Rating: PG-13 so far
Disclaimers: Don't own em’, just borrowin’ em’. Joss Whedon has that pleasure.
Summary: A birthday invitation takes Tara back to familiar, but foreign territory.
Archiving: If it pleases you, make it so, just give me a heads up about it.
Note: I know I may be playing with the time line here. I’m not sure when Willow’s birthday is and whether I have her age right. So please just bear with me, I’m taking creative liberties. But do remember I do it all in the effort to bring you Will/Tara mushiness!Also this is pre-beta read since I just wrote it in the last couple of hours but by tomorrow I'll have the beta-read version posted over this one!
Leave A Light On
Chapter 3
Tara was losing it. Suddenly she had nothing to wear! Not that there are standard outfits for the occassion of seeing your ex-lover of six months. Tara knew it really didn't matter what she wore, Willow never really cared about those things. She would let Tara know when she found something she wore to be pleasing. But Willow always left her feeling beautiful, even in sweats and t-shirt, she felt beautiful. Tara hadn't felt that way in long time. It was kind of strange when you think about it. Her hair and body were the same, but that feeling wasn't there.
Finally she decided on a long, wrap around skirt with a yellow background, and patchwork designs on it. She wore a three-quarter length, white button down shirt and stood on sandals. Her hair was half up in a clip. Ligth make up surrounded her eyes, and her lips glistened with gloss. This was finally it. No more stalling. Time to head out and face the music. Outside she heard the sound of a car honking, alerting her that her cab was waiting. With a final look in the mirror she was out the door.
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At the Summer's house a birthday celebration was in full effect. But Dawn didn't notice because she was perched by the living room window. She peered out the window as if a parade was coming down the street. But nothing was there.
'Where is she? Come on Tara. Please....' Her thoughts were interupted by the voice of her sister beckoning her.
"Dawn, where have you been? You're missing all the fun."
"Which fun would that be? The alcohol I can't drink, or the conversation I'm too young to listen in on?" Dawn didn't mean to snap at her sister but all her energy was being used up by her patience and that didn't leave much room for courtesy. Buffy picked up on the anxious vibes that were pour out of her sister. She stepped up behind her and rested her palms on Dawn's shoulders.
"Still no sign of her huh?"
"Buffy what if she doesn't show up? I told Willow that she was coming. But if she doesn't come..."
"Dawn if Tara doesn't come it's really not any of our business. But I doubt that's gonna happen. Tara would let us know if she wasn't coming, she very mature that way. She is probably having a huge case of butterflies in the stomach. This is a big day for her and Willow."
"I know..."
"Why don't we move away from the window so as to avoid the stalker like appearence we would be giving off should she pull up right now."
The two sisters headed back into the kitchen and then proceeded on to the party in the backyard. Just then a yellow taxi pulled into the driveway.
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"10.50$ miss." The cab driver altered Tara of the fare. She handed over fifteen dollars to the man.
"Thank you, and keep the change." She opened the door and stepped onto the sidewalk of the Summers house. As the car pulled away Tara looked at the house. It suddenly looked very big, and she felt very small.
'Come on Tara. You got yourself into this . Here it is...the moment of truth.'
She walked heavy footed up to the front door. She raised her hand to knock on the door and as her knuckles touched the surface the door opened before her. Someone must had left the door open by accident. She felt funny walking in but pressed on anyway. As she walked through the living room her sense were filled by familar sights and smells. She could feel her chest tightening. She clenched the straps of the purse in her hand and placed the palm of her right hand over heart. As she entered the kitchen she could see all the party fixings around her and could hear sounds of music and chatter come from the backyard. And as she walked around the island and came upon the window she saw it. She saw her.
'Just breathe Tara.'
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Willow was standing by the food table find the texture of potato chips suddenly very interesting. She was dressed in a pair of low hip hugger jeans, thick cork heeled flip flops, and a body fitting red shirt that bunched togther and hung low around the chest. She was dragged out of her intense thoughts by the sound of Xander.
"Hey, Willster! So how does it feel to know that in all fifty states you can purcharse a firearm with one hand and a brewski with the other." Xander smiled hoping he could lift the red heads spirits.
"Oh about the same as when I could purchase a soda with on hand and wave a really big stick with the other." She gave him a half smile trying to show her gratitude of his efforts.
"She'll be here Will. Just give her time."
"You don't know that, and I've got all the time in the world, it just doesn't mean much without her here to share it with me."
"I do know it Will. And so do you." Xander wrapped his arms around her shoulders and pulled her into him in a close embrace.
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Tara saw her and her breath was caught. She was beautiful as ever. Her hair was a little longer than when she saw her last. It was hanging full and loose, and Tara had to bit her lip to chase away the memories of when she would run her fingers through it. She took a deep breath and headed out the door. She made her way around to the back and hit the wood of the deck. As the sound of her footsteps hit the surface she heard the party go silent. It was like something out of a bad 80's move where everyone turns and looks at you and even the music skips out. But this was real. Her eyes glanced over the familar faces at the party and then finally settled on Willow.
Willow pulled herself out from Xander's arms needing all the available air around her. She saw Dawn run up to Tara and tackle her with Buffy trailing behind.
"You made it! I knew you would come. Not that I doubted it for a second." Tara smiled at this comment.
"Yeah, sorry about the lateness. I ah, c-couldn't decide on anything to wear." She gave a half smile.
"Well, it was worth the wait. You look great! It's good to see you." Buffy gave Tara hug and smiled. As Tara leaned into the embrace she found herself face to face with her ex-lover. Willow was standing right behind Buffy with dazed look on her face. Buffy felt Tara stiffen in her arms and questioned if she was okay but stopped mid sentance when she saw what had caught Tara's attention.
"Tara are you....Ohhhhkay Dawn why don't you help me get some of the appetizers from the kitchen." Dawn complied and followed her sister into the house leaving the two wiccans alone.
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They stared at one another for some time, although it felt like an eternity for both of them. Finally Tara broke the silence.
"Ha-Happy B-Birthday Willow." Tara cringed inside hating that her stutter was making an appearence. Willow cringed inside too hating that she herself was the source of the stuttering.
"Hi....thanks for coming...I know it's.....well...thanks."
"Of course...it's a big day for you." Tara smiled and thought that if the conversation didn't take a significant turn they wouldn't have anything left to say.
"I'm sorry Tara. I know this is really high on the awkward scale. I just don't know what to say...well I do...I've actually been practising it for a couple of day now. But it just seems." Tara understood the problem and offered a solution.
"M-Maybe we could sit on the porch...it's a little more quiet out there....or not...I don't really know the answers either...I-I've never.." Willow jumped in.
"No that would be perfect. Let's go."
The girls worked their way to the front of the house, raising some eyebrows and causing some stares from the surrounding audience. As they got to the front they decided to sit on the stoop. The swinging bench had too many initmate past moments in their history together to sit on. Their was awkward silence again then Willow spoke up.
"Look Tara I'm just gonna say this real quick. I know that whatever happens tonight...it is still only one night, and you can't do alot in a couple of hours. But I can tell you something that you deserve to hear. Something I couldn't tell before because I didn't understand it myself. I guess I had to go through what I've gone through. Well obviously I had to go through what I've gone through otherwise it would just be something I already knew, and by that logic if it was something I already then I couldn't exactly re-learn it. Actually I could if I forgot it beacause....." Willow was interupted by the sound of light giggles. When she realized that she had gone into babble mode she apologized.
"Oh sorry...babbling..got off track."
"No, it's okay...it's just been a while."
"Yeah, I guess it has. Let me try this again."
"Take your time Willow...I don't have anywhere to be just now." Tara smiled and Willow melted. She melted and was finally ready because that smile reminded her that it was okay. This was Tara. She could do this.
"Okay...I guess I could tell you everything that I think you already know, like... that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything that happened, and I never meant for it to happen. I was doing too much magic and I should have listened to you. I betrayed you, and manipulated you, and I take full responsibility. I could tell you all that but I wanted to tell you something else first. Something that you may not know.
"I realized something while I was alone. I realized that I'm a whole person without you and I was a whole person before I met you. I can get up in the morning, brush my teeth, take a shower put on my clothes and go about my day. You left me but I'm still alive and kicking. But you wanna know the truth. I'm alive but I'm not really living. I'm just existing...surviving. Everything is in slow motion, the colors are gone. I know that sounds so cliche' but it's true.
"At night I have the worst nightmares. They are dreams filled with visons of you, your smile, the way that your hair sometimes falls down and covers half of your face. It's filled with sounds of your voice, your laugh, your beautiful, lyrical laugh. These dreams are so beautiful, but then I wake up and realize that they were only dreams. That's when they become nightmares. I wake up in a cold bed, to go live in a cold world.
"I have this heart inside my chest, and it beats on a steady rhythm. But that is all it does Tara. My heart used to sing, my heart used to sing when you were in my life.
"I also realized something else. I realized that I don't deserve you. Your love for me was honest and pure, and I spat on it. I guess the noble thing to do would be to walk away from you. To let you live you life and find someone that won't betray you. But I can't. I won't walk away.
"I've made so many mistakes and have so many regrets but the best thing I ever did in this world was love you. You are the reason that I believe, after all the hell and evil and pain that I seen living on this hellmouth, you are reason I still believe in what is good. You are the reason I believe that there is good to be found in this harsh world, and I won't give up on that.
"I gave up on that once, I won't stand here and give up on it again. I love you. I think I love you more than I ever did, if that's even possible...because I have seen what it is to hurt you, to be without you in my life. I know darkness now, and knowing it makes the light so much brighter.
"If you can look me in the eyes now and say that there is no room in your life for me, then I will try to be noble and walk away. But if you can't say that to me, then I'm gonna fight for you, I'm gonna fight like I should have fought before. I won't give up this time. I love you Tara."
Willow exhaled. She hadn't expected to say that much. But six months is a long time and love is a complicated thing. She looked into Tara's eyes not wanting to pressure her but also waiting anxiously for a response.
"Tara...." Tara looked up and opened her mouth to respond.
"I c-can't..." Willow heard those words and her heart shattered. But then Tara continued her sentance that she was struggling to get out.
"I can't look you in the eyes and say there is no room Willow...I want...I just." Willow was so elated by Tara's confession that she didn't want her love to say anything else. She knew she had just gone through a long speech and didn't want Tara to feel pressured to respond to all of it.
"No...shhush..it's okay. That's all I needed to know. I won't ask anything else of you tonight. I said a lot. Well, actually I need to ask you one more thing." Tara had tears in her eyes, and her body was suddenly feeling very heavy. But she looked Willow in the eye and said
"Okay." Willow took a breathe then asked,
"Can I see you again, after tonight?. The two of us. No labeling or pressuring. Just to talk some more after we recover from tonight "
"I c-can't make you any promises Willow. I not ready...there's so much...I still hurt."
"I know, I just mean so we can talk. Tonight is a little awkward. I know you have a lot you need to say to me...the atmosphere isn't very conducive though." Tara thought about this. It was true, she had a lot she needed to say. But this whole night left her drained and she wasn't sure she was up for an intense conversation right now. At least if they met again the ice is already broken, the card are out so it won't be as nerve racking.
"Okay." Willow felt her heart leap into her throat. She wanted to make sure she heard right.
"Okay?!! Really!"
"Yes, it's probably best." Willow wanted to grab Tara in her arms but she knew that wouldn't be appropriate right now. So she settled for a really big grin streching from ear to ear.
"Okay...Um how about Tuesday around 3 or so. I could meet you at your place since it's near campus." Tara nodded. Her heart was beating a mile a minute but she was trying no to show it. The smile on Willow's face was infectous and she couldn't help but return it.
"That would be fine. I guess Dawn told you where I lived then." Willow winced.
"Oh yeah, sorry. I kinda pulled it out of her. I' m sorry. I don't mean to be creepy ex-lover Lifetime move of the week character."
"No it's okay. I understand." And she did. How could she not. Tara recalled many nights staring at her ceiling wondering what Willow was doing. Now they were at an awkward part again neither knowing what they should say. Tara spoke first.
"You should get back to your party. They're probably all wondering where I took you."
"Let them wonder." Willow really couldn't concern herself with anyone but the woman in fron of her right now.
"I should go anyway...It's getting late.."
"I understand. Let me get Giles to give you a ride home, he probably wants a chance to say hi to you anyway."
"Oh, I forgot Mr. Giles was here." Willow stood on the step and in instinctual move offered her hand to Tara to help her up. Tara automatically reached for the support. The minute their palms met they both felt an electric pulse course through their bodies. They stood there not letting go of the hold. Then Willow saw a tear run down Tara's face.
"Tara, what's wrong?" Tara looked Willow in the eye and gave Willow her tradmark half smile.
"Nothing, it's just...Willowhand." Willow understood. As they separated and walked on back to the party both had the same though pass through their brains.
'Just breathe. This is only the beginning.'
Okay kitties so I busted this out during my finals weeks,so be good....Also if you liked a particular part of the story, why don't you let me know. It's really nice when a reader gives you descriptive reason why they like your story (hint! hint!) God I'm getting like a crack whore with my need for feedback. Are there 12 step groups for this kind of thing?
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[This message has been edited by Tempest819 (edited December 18, 2001).]
