To say that I'm really looking forward the next part would be one hell on an understatement
by Warduke » Wed Aug 29, 2001 1:39 pm
To say that I'm really looking forward the next part would be one hell on an understatement
by geekgod » Thu Aug 30, 2001 11:15 am
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"i don't get wild, wild on me equals 'spaz'"
"i worship beelzebub! i do his bidding. do you see any goats around? no! because i sacrificed them! all bow before SATAN!
by Katharyn » Thu Aug 30, 2001 11:19 am
K
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Realisations and Decisions. (Currently Part 13)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Absolutely. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited Spoilers for anything up to and including “Goodbye Iowa.”
Summary: One night shortly after the story “Morning” but also after the events of “Goodbye Iowa” and the Willow PoV fiction “A Fig and A Date.” Willow thinks about herself and Tara. This was not an issue that was really explored within Season 4 as it was shown onscreen. It took time sure, but we were never aware of Willow agonising or doubting herself at all. And she was never afraid of her decision or it’s implications – which is a wonderful positive portrayal… but I couldn’t help feeling that the doubts must have existed. They certainly did for me. At least for a little while. So…decision time Finally. Lots and lots of question marks… and “…”’s…
Disclaimer: This may shock you but I don’t own any aspect of BTVS, or the characters herein. All rights reside with the copyright and trademark owners, writers and producers of the show. Nor am I making any profit out of this story or others in the cycle. In fact I am not making much profit out of anything!
Rating: PG13
Couples: Yup, by the end W/T. Yup. About time huh?
Notes: The timing is a little awkward for this. Clearly in “Goodbye Iowa” Willow is still concerned about Tara believing she just comes over for spells. But by “This Years Girl” and “Who Are You” Willow has made a decision and accepts Tara’s affection without reservation. The needs of earlier parts of this story have messed with the timing a little, but I hope that doesn’t spoil anyone’s enjoyment. I have dealt with that though by allowing Willow’s actual decision to fall after “Goodbye Iowa” and using the “just spells” discussion in that episode to serve as a reminder of the fact that Willow doesn’t, even if she were to choose not to let herself love Tara, regard Tara as anything less than a good friend.
This story retreads ground covered in “A Fig and A Date” to some extent since that fic was written long after this one and slotted into the cycle. Apologies if I missed cleaning up any inconsistencies and I hope you won’t be bored.
Thanks To: It’s been a while since I specifically laid thanks at Alyson and Amber’s doors. Where would we be without ‘em? And to L – she’s my past, present and future.
The Beginning Cycle
Realisations and Decisions
By
Katharyn Rosser
02.47
What can I offer to Tara?
02.49
Where was a good apocalypse when you needed one? Damn stupid idea to promise that to Tara.
02.51
I mean you go for months without one and then they all come along together. It was worse than buses.
02.53
We’ve been on just one date… well a “fig” and here I am trying to decide if I can come to love her. To see if we really can do this thing. Wonderful as today had been, and it had been today when she had started turning this over in her mind, one “date” did not a relationship make and she was forcing herself to try and be unaffected by the day spent with the woman she wanted to love. If she could. She was trying to harsh with herself – to avoid making a mistake that they would both come to regret.
If it was a mistake. And even if it would they necessarily regret it?
02.55
Willow was as far from sleep as she was when she has lain down at a little after eleven, her essay plan prepared. All her reading done and back ahead of herself. Several games of solitaire played. Anything to keep her mind clear. Solitaire though – that was the option wasn’t it? Part of it at least. It was in her power to keep two people lonely and unhappy. Or… to do otherwise. She’d been trying to postpone the decision that needed to be made until her promise to Tara. And even tonight she had delayed and delayed since leaving Tara at her dorm, contented but perhaps a little fearful. Having promised it she would have to give that decision to Tara and crush, or confirm, those fears.
But there was no decision yet. She had given her word. She had promised Tara that she would return to her once more…inside seventeen hours now. Every time they had met since that special night she had to assure the other woman that although she had not made up her mind – that she would. That she would return no matter what. Unless the world was ending, which was a “what” that would excuse her. Which it wasn’t – ending that is. Hence the ‘not-here’-ness of Buffy. Though actually they wouldn’t have been here if there was one…and apocalypses are not the best times for quiet chats with your best friend. Not the issue. Should that be apocali? Where else in the world did you need to worry about the plural of apocalypse?
And could she even talk to Buffy about this? No – I think not. Big no, no on that one.
Oh Buffy, she thought to herself how the conversation would go, I’m thinking of dating again. ‘Good for you Willow,’ Buffy would say adding ‘It’s good that your getting back on that horse again. Who is he? Do I know him?’ Oh no you don’t know them, she would reply – but he’s a she. ‘Get back off that horse Willow. Everyone lock up your daughters and don’t go into the showers with the gay girl.’ No. No. No. Bad conversation plan. Buffy couldn’t know because she didn’t herself. Oh.
Because I won’t let myself discover the needed truth. It wasn’t that she had doubts so much as she didn’t want to consider it yet – or make a decision that would dominate another life – not just her own. Because once she knew then the next time she saw Tara she would have to tell her. She couldn’t hide the result not for a minute. One way would, she hoped, delight the other woman. The other… that was what she didn’t want to face. The possibility that she might have to reject Tara – and what that might do to both of them. But it was to protect Tara even more than herself that she was being so cautious. Though she realised Tara was far, far stronger than she appeared to be – she did not want to test the hypothesis. And what made it harder was that she couldn’t let that influence her. The decision had to be right, not based on fear of upsetting Tara – and herself. And so she had avoided even thinking about whether she would.
It was all so confusing.
She liked Tara, she really did and she loved to spend time with the Wicca. Is that it? Is it because she is a Wicca, that we share that? Do I just want to do spells? No, just rehashing long buried stuff there - they had dealt with that right at the start. Willow had treated Tara badly back then – turning up just to do spells and Tara had taken her to task. Rightly, she thought, I was being selfish. She’d felt compelled to make sure once more when they had tried to conjure Thespia a few days ago. To make sure that Tara knew that it wasn’t the magic. That it wouldn’t be even if they… didn’t. But it had come out all wrong.
It had been awkward. Going there to ask for something and unable to give what Tara wanted in return. It sounded like all I wanted was to be friends. Or worse just to do spells. But she hadn’t made that choice. She’d tried to tell her that but it came out…bad.
Rather I think I might want to be more than friends. But do I? She asked herself the question for the thousandth time that night. They were friends and were coming to be good friends. It had still been only a few months – a few months in which her friendship with Buffy and Xander had become strained – more strained really. When all she had known in her life for the last few years seemed to be falling apart at the seams.
In which Oz had left her to commune with the inner wolf. Left her alone.
And Tara had been there. Tara alone had listened to her talking about all that was wrong with her friends…and even Oz. She listened to me babble on, obsessed as I was… am… was. And all that time she had felt for me. Maybe not loved me. But felt for me in a special way that no one else did. Willow could appreciate how hard that had been. She had been there herself…listening to Xander whine about Buffy and Cordelia. Whine? Oh miaow. It hurt though to do that. But Tara had never given her a hint. Not till recently. She had listened to all that, suffering it and had given Willow the advice she had often needed to get over her problems.
Why didn’t she give me a hint? I deserved a hint! What does a person have to do round here to get a hint? How dare she just drop it on me… by the way I’m gay and I find you attractive. And had she listened just because she was attracted to me? Is that all it was? A gameplan?
No. Tara didn’t have agendas.
And she hadn’t. Tara hadn’t done that, hadn’t dropped that anvil. She knew that her thoughts were unfair towards her fellow Wicca. The “G” word had never been spoken – she had no idea even whether Tara considered that the word applied to her. Really Tara had let her come to her own realisations. Realisation that something was growing between them that was beyond just friendship. After all it was Willow who had asked if she could stay just a few nights ago knowing herself what her reasoning was. It was she who had asked the other woman to hold her. Just to hold her. No. That was some other Willow. A Willow who was missing right now. A Willow who was not taking responsibility for the consequences of her actions. A Willow who was starting to have gooey feelings for Tara. Bad Willow. No not bad at all…
And there it was. The other woman. That was the crux of it all. She couldn’t pretend that she had not had a purely “friendly” motive for wanting to be held like that. She and Buffy had shared a bed when danger threatened or when one of them was upset had been held by the other. Comfort.
But this wasn’t about comfort. This had been something more and it terrified Willow, in the harsh light of…well night. It was not being alone anymore. And not being alone meant what? Being together. In the harsh darkness of night, she might have…led Tara on with that request. She was afraid that she might have committed herself already to more than she was willing to give. To another woman. And maybe not even willing – it was more a question of being able to give, or not. She was willing – the fact that she was thinking like this proved that. But able?
It was something that she had never really considered. Not in herself at least. Oh sure she had occasionally thought, over the years, about what it might be like but only as a comparison. An unfavourable comparison, at the time, against the feelings she had had for Xander and later for Oz. When that evil, skanky and… kinda gay… vampire version of herself had been brought here she admitted that she had thought more of it then. What might make that Willow lean that way. It wasn’t just a vampire thing – she had heard Angel that night. She knew, that in his opinion at least, the vampire didn’t change personality. The demon just set up shop with what was there already. Alternate universe it might be…but Anya assured her that all that had changed was Buffy’s presence in Sunnydale. The rest was the same. Maybe the lack of inhibition was to blame…Being a bloodsucking fiend. Living forever – strong hunter instead of weak victim. What was there to be afraid of? Afraid…
Anyway blame? No not blame. The reason. Maybe she was… like that. Maybe the vamp version of herself just let that come out and play and wasn’t afraid of it as she was now…maybe. Could she do the same? Did she even want to? And if it was a question of fear and that evil twin not having any then should she be ruled by fear? Should she allow herself to be led by that fear? Should she allow fear to keep her alone? Back to the 64 Million Dollar Question…
Until Tara there had never been…never - with any same sex person - been any sparkage, let alone this raging fire that threatened to consume her whole. Until Tara. The last night that they had stayed together was not a matter of convenience or safety. There had been some pretty major sparkage. And not crude lusts…lusts weren’t a factor here. Just a need. To find company. Security. And kindness. A kindred spirit. In Tara’s arms. Her bed. And had that been too much? Was that fair on Tara? To ask for that and not to offer anything more. Not, not more in the naked sense. More in the spiritual sense. Yes just that. Spiritual. And where was love? A need for security….buy a dog. A need for kindness… buy a bunny. Company? Buy a talking parrot. Get a menagerie. Love was the key. If those were her motives – without love or at least the possibility of love - they could not be enough. Not for what Tara needed from her. It was a two way street. It had to be.
She just didn’t know if she could offer more. But she had never felt quite like she had that last night she had spent with Tara. Tara had asked her, in the morning if she was alright. And she had been – when she had got over the awkwardness – she had been alright during that night at least. More than alright. She had been happy in that embrace. Waking in the night and feeling herself held, safely and gently, by Tara was a level of mutual trust and caring that she had never felt before. Not even with Oz. It was a different kind of thing that was building between them. Not better or worse. Just different. Starting in a different place. For different reasons – and not because they were of the same sex. It was a different kind of relationship. Funny, but it was perhaps closer to what she might have had with Xander if they had got together in the way that she had always dreamed they would as a teenage girl. Friends becoming…more than friends. Lovers in the truest and purest sense of the word. And in her own bed in the nights since then she had felt so bereft, so alone.
What can I offer to Tara?
That wasn’t the real question though was it? Tara had made her feelings clear. Tara knew what she thought Willow could offer her. What she would like to be offered. And to offer in return. The real question was what am I willing to offer to Tara? How far will I go to find happiness? To make Tara as happy as she deserves to be? And even that wasn’t perhaps the most basic question. What was she willing to offer Tara…maybe everything. But what am I able to offer Tara?
And what were the possible answers? Support. They could do that as friends. Friends was good. Friends was right where they were now… but could they continue as just friends now they both knew. She had been promising Tara for days now that she would return once more and maybe next time with a decision. Each time assuring the woman who would be her love that her declaration of affection would not change what they already had. But it already had. Willow was laying here wishing for an apocalypse to postpone her decision. For whilst Tara had not pressed her to actually reach a decision Willow knew she had to since she had made that promise. She had to decide. Tonight. Because if she went back there to Tara again without being able to say yes…or no… She couldn’t lie to Tara, or prevaricate anymore. Not to Tara. Never to her. She deserved so much more than lies or prevarication. And she knew that she needed to know for herself too. I deserve to be happy too. Whether that was with Tara though? Her heart screamed that it was. Her brain told her to be careful, to remember her the heart being ripped out. And other, less worthy, concerns.
So she was able to offer her support, her friendship. Could she become intimate with Tara? With another woman at all. It was a crude question that her brain asked of herself. Not what she should be thinking about… but psychologically a major hurdle because though perhaps it should not matter, and would not initially, the fact was that eventually intimacy would be a part of whatever they might have together. It would have to be because if she could do this…then she had to be able to do it all. For Tara and for herself. To fall at the hurdle of intimacy…how would that make either of them feel? For her to find that she could love Tara, but not love her. To accept Tara’s love…but not her loving. The inevitable assumption of distaste or worse even disgust, that would never be true, but it would eventually break them apart, and after they had invested so much emotion in each other that it would hurt. A lot. She knew that if she were to say a word of that to Tara, or Tara to her – both would say how it didn’t matter at all. That it was in the future, that there was more to accomplish together first. But it would. It would have to. She wanted it to… she realised that she really did. But that wasn’t the point.
Could she do that? With another woman? That also wasn’t the question at all. No other woman, no other person, interested her. Could she do that with Tara?
And if she could offer Tara intimacy and rejoice in it herself… could she actually love the other woman? Really love her…full on wacky, sparks flying, can’t eat, can’t sleep love? Well I’ve got can’t sleep down real good she thought.
She was laying here, thinking of just why she couldn’t give Tara what she needed…but until that moment she hadn’t stopped to consider just what it was she was being offered. Not that Tara had told her. Not really laid it out….but what else could it be? Tara was offering her love. Her heart, her mind, her soul. She knew enough of the quiet young woman to realise what Tara had committed to this already. How hard it must have been for her to say a word about her feelings – even after that meaningful night. How hard Tara must feel that attraction to her. Tara was not impulsive and didn’t talk enough about her feelings until they boiled over. Sometimes she was so shy and withdrawn – especially when she was nervous – that Willow just wanted to shake her. Then hold her…
I do want to hold her.
Every circumstance that she could think of involving Tara. Tara celebrating….she wanted to hold and share that. Tara sad or upset…she wanted to hold her and help take the pain away. Tara lying in bed, she wanted to be there with her. Everything she could think of…she wanted to hold Tara to her… and I want to be held too. She wanted Tara to share her own successes. Her failures. Her ups and her downs. I want her in my life.
She wanted to take walks in the woods and have more picnics. She wanted to relax on the beach. She wanted them to develop as Wicca….together. She wanted so much….and yes she was willing to give. But how much?
Sleep was as far away as ever. It was not going to get any closer. Not like this. Not alone. I want to be held…. tonight she realised at last. And knew what that meant – that to go there now, at this hour, would be a more than tacit acceptance. It would be affirmation. It would be a commitment of sorts…. a commitment at least to try this thing with Tara. To be willing to try and to expect success. To work for it. Tara would take it as all of those things.
And it was… and so much more.
Dressing and moving quickly across campus the dark was no longer threatening. It was a tunnel through the turmoil leading in only one direction. Wherever she stepped – other than backwards to her room – was a step closer to Tara and all that meant. Might mean.
Intimacy could wait but that was no longer even an issue to her. It had just been another excuse raised by her over-cautious brain to deny her heart. They could work that out…if they needed to. When they needed to. She still had doubts…she did not know if she loved Tara with the crushing intensity that she wanted to. Now. Yet. But she knew that she could love her. She could allow herself to love Tara and she could allow herself to be loved in return. And more important she wanted both. And that was a place to start. Tonight was a place to start. Knocking on this door she already faced would allow Tara to love her. The other woman would allow herself to do that and hold nothing back. That filled Willow with joy. Nothing more or less than that. And maybe one day I will fill her with the joy of my love. She could only hope for that and didn’t doubt that it would be too long coming.
What can I offer to Tara? What am I willing to offer? She asked herself once more as the door opened and a Tara looked at her visitor. Wide awake too….not a sign of sleepiness. Willow smiled and knew that Tara interpreted that smile correctly as she returned it and held out her hand to Willow, palm outstretched. And as their fingers touched – light as a feather - the doubts faded and Tara led her into her loving embrace with a grace that had never seemed to be there before. No longer shy and awkward. Now the woman I might love, Willow thought. The woman I want to love.
What can I offer to Tara? What am I willing to offer?
Just myself and all that I am. It was the only answer that made sense.
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Endnote:
Some of you may be disappointed that Willow is not actually "in love" with Tara at this point. Or apparently not. I was aiming for a "one step at a time" effect here. But in my own mind she already knows. She just hasn't let here heart tell her brain yet... as will be apparent in future parts.
Katharyn
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She's my always
IP: Logged
I was just about to leave work, and saw you'd posted an update, and had to stay and read it. I think I've missed my bus, but it was definitely worth it.
Thanks!
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
IP: Logged
Willow is not 'in love'? True, in the classic romantic sense. Here Willow's broken and wandering thoughts indicate to me a very deep love. A bit on the platonic side I will admit, but deep nevertheless.
I think that is why the Willow/Tara relationship is such a solid one. Instead of starting out 'in love' and getting into lots of sex and finally breaking up because they had no foundation for a relationship, they developed a deep, solid friendship first. This provided a rock solid foundation for the romantic love that developed later.
Love is like a flower. The ones that bloom overnight also disappear overnight, while the ones that unfold in gentle stages are tho ones that last and last.
Saepe creat molles aspera spina rosas.
(Often the prickly thorn produces tender roses.)
IP: Logged
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
IP: Logged
It makes sense that Willow was taking it slow, she just had her heart broken by Oz and she wanted to make sure this is exactly what she wanted before jumping right in and possibly having her heart broken again and even worse, breaking Tara's heart in the process.
IP: Logged
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I am really enjoying this story and can't wait for the next part ...
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"I got so lost."
"I found you. I will always find you."
IP: Logged
I was just about to leave work, and saw you'd posted an update, and had to stay and read it. I think I've missed my bus, but it was definitely worth it.
Thanks!
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
IP: Logged
posted August 30, 2001 14:34 Brilliant!I was just about to leave work, and saw you'd posted an update, and had to stay and read it. I think I've missed my bus, but it was definitely worth it.
Thanks!
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
Willow is not 'in love'? True, in the classic romantic sense. Here Willow's broken and wandering thoughts indicate to me a very deep love. A bit on the platonic side I will admit, but deep nevertheless.
I think that is why the Willow/Tara relationship is such a solid one. Instead of starting out 'in love' and getting into lots of sex and finally breaking up because they had no foundation for a relationship, they developed a deep, solid friendship first. This provided a rock solid foundation for the romantic love that developed later.
Love is like a flower. The ones that bloom overnight also disappear overnight, while the ones that unfold in gentle stages are tho ones that last and last.
Saepe creat molles aspera spina rosas.
(Often the prickly thorn produces tender roses.)
IP: Logged
posted August 30, 2001 14:47 Why is it that we use our brains to agonise and reason out, what our hearts already know on a deeper, more intuitive level?Willow is not 'in love'? True, in the classic romantic sense. Here Willow's broken and wandering thoughts indicate to me a very deep love. A bit on the platonic side I will admit, but deep nevertheless.
I think that is why the Willow/Tara relationship is such a solid one. Instead of starting out 'in love' and getting into lots of sex and finally breaking up because they had no foundation for a relationship, they developed a deep, solid friendship first. This provided a rock solid foundation for the romantic love that developed later.
Love is like a flower. The ones that bloom overnight also disappear overnight, while the ones that unfold in gentle stages are tho ones that last and last.
Saepe creat molles aspera spina rosas.
(Often the prickly thorn produces tender roses.)
IP: Logged
posted August 30, 2001 15:35 This journey to the inside of w/t state of mind and emotions is impressive in it's depth and realistic feeling.The internal dialogues are amazing and riveting.Katharyn I salute you, this is wonderful writing.IP: LoggedtommoLesbian Gay Type Lover ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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posted August 30, 2001 16:13 There's no reason why Willow should be in love with Tara straight away. For her, I think it was a much slower process than it was for Tara. You seem to get inside Willow's head really well, especially the cadences and stylised speech patterns.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
It makes sense that Willow was taking it slow, she just had her heart broken by Oz and she wanted to make sure this is exactly what she wanted before jumping right in and possibly having her heart broken again and even worse, breaking Tara's heart in the process.
IP: Logged
posted August 30, 2001 16:35 Another great part Katharyn.It makes sense that Willow was taking it slow, she just had her heart broken by Oz and she wanted to make sure this is exactly what she wanted before jumping right in and possibly having her heart broken again and even worse, breaking Tara's heart in the process.
IP: LoggedxitaMs. Moderator IP: Logged
posted August 31, 2001 13:32 Well finally a couple I personally think Willow didn't have problems finding the desire for Tara... but then again I am in the sex before NMR camp.. so there you go.IP: Loggedcatliz16Blessed Wannabe I am really enjoying this story and can't wait for the next part ...
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"I got so lost."
"I found you. I will always find you."
IP: Logged
posted August 31, 2001 13:55 I agree Xita ... I am in the sex before New Moon Rising camp too.I am really enjoying this story and can't wait for the next part ...
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"I got so lost."
"I found you. I will always find you."
by mollyig » Thu Aug 30, 2001 11:34 am
I was just about to leave work, and saw you'd posted an update, and had to stay and read it. I think I've missed my bus, but it was definitely worth it.
Thanks!
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"The hardest to learn is the least complicated" - Emily Saliers (Indigo Girls)
by Forrister » Thu Aug 30, 2001 11:47 am
Willow is not 'in love'? True, in the classic romantic sense. Here Willow's broken and wandering thoughts indicate to me a very deep love. A bit on the platonic side I will admit, but deep nevertheless.
I think that is why the Willow/Tara relationship is such a solid one. Instead of starting out 'in love' and getting into lots of sex and finally breaking up because they had no foundation for a relationship, they developed a deep, solid friendship first. This provided a rock solid foundation for the romantic love that developed later.
Love is like a flower. The ones that bloom overnight also disappear overnight, while the ones that unfold in gentle stages are tho ones that last and last.
Saepe creat molles aspera spina rosas.
(Often the prickly thorn produces tender roses.)
by nika » Thu Aug 30, 2001 12:35 pm
by tommo » Thu Aug 30, 2001 1:13 pm
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
by Warduke » Thu Aug 30, 2001 1:35 pm
It makes sense that Willow was taking it slow, she just had her heart broken by Oz and she wanted to make sure this is exactly what she wanted before jumping right in and possibly having her heart broken again and even worse, breaking Tara's heart in the process.
by xita » Fri Aug 31, 2001 10:32 am
by catliz16 » Fri Aug 31, 2001 10:55 am
I am really enjoying this story and can't wait for the next part ...
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"I got so lost."
"I found you. I will always find you."
by Katharyn » Fri Aug 31, 2001 11:27 am
Well that breaks 100 posts on this thread... not bad even if about 30 of them are mine! Thanks to all those who took the time to make their views known. Best guess for part 15 is Saturday night GMT/Sunday morning... I'm all alone this weekend *SIGH* so mucho writing I hope, just have to try and restrain myself from spending it all on (what I think) is a nifty summer story when I have work to do to finish off S4!
We are getting to the point where I need a moderator to reassure me that I can post the *ahem* "full" version of the NMR "pay-off" fic. It is, I will say, intimate. I think it is sweetly done but definitely NC-17 (18 rating over here in Britland), but others may disagree. If not then I have a version that fades out before things get too far (or far enough). I am quite happy to post the shorter version and e-mail the full version to anyone who wants it. I know that most kitties will probably want the full version but it is the mod's verdict that counts as nothing appears in FAQ... perhaps people don't frequently ask!
Katharyn
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She's my always
by Puff » Fri Aug 31, 2001 12:19 pm
I'm sure a mod can back me up here.
by xita » Fri Aug 31, 2001 12:30 pm
by Katharyn » Fri Aug 31, 2001 12:38 pm
Will post with appropriate warnings and the reverse to my earlier suggestion will be true, anyone who wants the tame version is welcome to request that by e-mail if they would rather not get into the full one. But not until I am ready to post the main one! 3 parts to post prior to NMR mini-cycle and one part of that before the pay off is an issue.
Thanks for the confirmation I thought it would be ok, but didn't want to build up expectations without certainty!
Katharyn
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She's my always
by tommo » Fri Aug 31, 2001 4:27 pm
But don't worry; we're all aware of how sensitive an issue it is when posting on the board, so just go for it.
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
by Katharyn » Sat Sep 01, 2001 6:42 am
K
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Your Witch. (Currently Part 15)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Absolutely it’s an addiction. Feed it. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited Spoilers for anything up to and including “Who are You?” Limited as things are just mentioned in passing with details only specific where they relate to W/T directly. Most of the spoilers are actually in the summary below.
Summary: Following “This Years Girl” and “Who Are You” Willow and Tara together in the night (again – what can I say I like late night/early morning scenes.) This time following Tara’s declaration that she is Willow’s and (what as I see as) the abortive attempt to introduce Tara to the Scoobies (though possibly not as Willow’s girlfriend at that point.) Of other significance is that Tara has been the one who discovered the switch, who knew how to prove it and how to do the Katra spell that restores Buffy and Faith to their bodies and has been – overall - helpful to the gang. And of course the aftermath of Faith (as Buffy) savaging her verbally – even if Tara did see through it will still have left scars. This is of course prior to “New Moon Rising” but by that point Willow and Tara are already seriously involved…hence the conflict for Willow in that episode.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: Readers of earlier parts of this story will have noticed that I have brought Tara and Willow to being closely involved even before this episode’s “I am yours etc.” I choose to interpret that as Tara’s reiteration of serious intent to Willow, rather than any revelation of attraction itself. You may, of course take another view, but Willow isn’t shocked. She is pleased and clearly already made the necessary choices in her life to accept that. There is a micro credit due in this for the Beatles for a stolen line…
Thanks To: All the kittens, especially the patient moderators and all those who de-lurk to give feedback. L – as always I still am, hers that is.
The Beginnings Cycle
Your Witch
By
Katharyn Rosser
‘Well that was an intense couple of days.’ Willow observed, as she made her way to the bed that she had shared with Tara more and more recently – out of convenience initially, the last few nights fear of the rogue slayer, Faith but more than either of those recently… affection.
‘I had f-fun.’ Tara replied.
‘Fun? That was your idea of fun? Remind me not to be available for your 21st Birthday party! That might be more fun than I can stand.’ Willow joked in reply.
‘Absolutely yes, it was fun. I mean I didn’t come face to face with a evil slayer who wants to kill you – well not directly – so that counted as a big plus point. We hung out here in ritual hiding, which was actually a lot like being here together – with an added fear factor that the door could be kicked in at any time. But I just like being with you. I met your friends. Finally. And we helped save the day. Fun.’ Tara was proud of having been able to help and knew that Willow could see that. Tara was not exactly a Scooby fan but she was glad to have helped Willow’s friends.
‘I guess when you put it that way…’ Willow considered this, uncertain of the definition. ‘Nope, still not what I would consider fun. Fear, terror, walking around campus not knowing when psycho slut was going to leap out at me… or you.’ That had bothered her more than anything else. That Faith, unlikely as it seemed, would start to play psychological games and try to get at me through Tara. But no, Faith was nothing if not direct. ‘Your not a closet adrenaline junkie are you?’
‘No, I have nothing in my closet but clothes.’ Well just one secret. And not a little one. It must be a big walk-in closet. ‘Well ok, maybe it was not “fun” exactly. But I feel like we did good. Me and you. Together. You and me. We did good, and…’ Tara went back and picked up on what Willow had said earlier. ‘Were you?’
‘Was I what?’ Willow asked, making use of a little of that closet space to hang up her clothes. She got to leave her stuff over here. To make it easier to be with Tara and not have to go back to her own room so early in the morning. She had closet space!
And a bit of a shelf.
‘Planning on being around for my 21st birthday…I mean it is more than a year away…a lot more….w-we might-’ We might never get together properly. This might all be a mistake we might try hard to forget long before then – or at least you might. And if we do then it might all go horribly wrong. Things do, go wrong. And anyway by the time I reach my next birthday I will most likely be gone anyway. When it emerges and snatches my ability to be with Willow, but not my love for her.
None of which Tara said, just kept to herself.
‘Yes. I am.’ Willow said quietly, smiling, ‘I hadn’t realised what I was saying…but yes and more after that.’ It was a momentous decision she had just revealed, that had not been lightly made but had not intended to declare to Tara just yet. If Tara hadn’t picked up on that round-about way of telling her - still avoiding saying, if not thinking, the L word – then she thought that she might have kept the decision to herself for longer. But... ‘Of course,’ Willow carried on, ‘everyone believes that everything is forever at the start, it’s part of the human condition, but…’ She saw the feelings, the fears sweep across Tara’s expressive face and knew that the other had thought about that too ‘…I think this might be. We might be.’
Tara beamed, all the more so as Willow got beneath the covers beside her, snuggling into the offered curve of her arm and placing her cheek on the blondes shoulder then scooting down lower to rest her cheek on Tara’s upper chest. Tara absently, instinctively now, moved her hand to stoke the red hair presented to her ministrations. Willow seemed to love that. It had become almost a ritual and something she missed terribly when Willow couldn’t stay.
‘And,’ Willow continued, ‘Talking of sneaking out declarations, you said…you said you were mine. Did you mean that? Really?’ It seemed obviously true really. But so much had gone unspoken between them. She knew that Tara was far more certain of them than she had been and she had guessed that the other woman was bottling some of that up so that she didn’t get scared off. But she wasn’t going to be scared by Tara. And she had been filled with happy thoughts since the moment Tara had confirmed that belonging. Not even Faith had been able to ruin the images, sensations and feelings that had constantly sprung, unbidden, to the forefront of her mind with and since that announcement. But even after she had chosen to let herself become involved with Tara. Even after Tara had said the words… it might just have been words. People did that. Said things. It was one thing to love someone, another thing to belong to them with all that implied.
‘Always.’ Tara replied…hoping for a similar declaration from Willow now – not because she doubted the sincerity of Willow’s choices but just for the rush of hearing it. I’m a pure pleasure seeker, Tara admitted to herself – at least where this woman is concerned. Her mere presence in my life is enough to make me happy…and this – lying together just stroking her hair. That is surely bliss what more could a girl want?
‘Mmmn,’ Willow chose to respond instead to Tara stoking her hair back from her ear and teasing the lobe. She knew she had not responded, felt the slight hesitancy of the finger that was playing with her ear lobe in the aftermath of that failure but was not yet ready to say the words. It was strange. She had declared her intention to be with Tara in over a year’s time – but could not tell her that she belonged to this blond haired woman who had stolen her heart and given her own in return. To do so, to admit it would be to sever a final link to her past. One that did not absolutely have to be severed just yet – not as long as she avoided the L word – though she should, she knew that – if only to be fair to Tara and also herself. But it was hard to go that far. To be that fair. To make that final commitment. Yet. Whilst she knew Tara was her future – there were still things in her past that she was not ready to deal with. Her reluctance was perhaps a symptom of that. Or maybe it was just fear. I don’t, she admitted, want to get hurt again. Or to hurt anyone else.
Disappointed in spite of herself Tara said nothing to the lack of a real response. These things can’t be rushed she thought. Willow will discover how she feels and then tell me…and she has already said that she intends to be around for years. That was enough – more than enough. Just because she won’t say the specific words that I long to hear doesn’t mean that she doesn’t mean that. That she doesn’t feel it. If anyone knew how hard it was to say things it was Tara. It was, anyway, more than she had dared hope for so soon if not as much as she had dreamed of. ‘I like your friends,’ she said instead of challenging Willow. Avoiding being greedy.
‘You didn’t meet them at their best,’ Willow observed wryly.
‘No, but they are good people I can see why you like them,’ Tara followed up.
‘Were you disappointed that I didn’t introduce you as more than just a powerful witch or a friend? Did it bother you?’ Willow herself was bothered by the omission even in those circumstances. ‘I mean did you want to be all girlfriendy from the outset?’
Oh my, around for years and now a girlfriend. ‘No it didn’t bother me – and I’m not that powerful you know. You shouldn’t tell people that I am. But,’ Tara smiled, unseen by Willow who was looking down their covered bodies at Tara wiggling her toes out the end of the covers. ‘I’m no more prepared to publicly be anything other than I am now than you are. If you understand what I mean,’ Tara knew that she wasn’t being clear but her feelings for Willow tied her in knots. But the head laying on her chest dipped, moved back. A nod. ‘I’m almost as new to this as you are Willow. Leave it for now. They will figure it out or we’ll have to tell them when were ready for it. Well you will. Besides I could tell how proud of me you were when you told them I was a witch. It’s been a long time since anyone was really proud of me. Even if you did exaggerate.’
‘I didn’t exaggerate it. You figured it all out. Just you. And without you we couldn’t have proved it. We couldn’t have brought Buffy back. But I thought you might mind, that’s all…hiding it. Hiding us.’ Willow was still concerned despite Tara’s reassurance and wrapped her arm around Tara’s torso under the covers seeking comfort.
Tara could not deny her that comfort, though every word she spoke was the truth. ‘I think you have me confused with someone whose openly – well - gay.’ It was the first time that Tara could remember saying such a word to Willow. A title for what she was. ‘I don’t really think of myself that way. I am out, that’s true, if I am asked by anyone who has any business knowing I’m not attracted to men…. but it’s been along time since I was attracted to a woman either. I just want you. I don’t think all the labels are very helpful, to me at least. They just put me in a convenient box that people recognise. I’m not interested in being in that box right now. I just want to be Tara.’ It was something Tara had thought about a lot more since she had realised what Willow meant to her. ‘I just want to be your Tara.’ Yes there had been someone else in the past. And yes it had been a she. But it hadn’t been nearly as serious as this was. Or as successful. ‘It’s not like I am likely to head down to the Lesbian Alliance anytime soon or out myself in the mall. Or you.’ Was that what was bothering Willow? Being out? That she might ask it of Willow before she was ready – or just do it to her? Maybe that was what was hanging Willow up a little.
‘Do you think they have bake sales too? The Lesbian Alliance I mean.’ Willow joked, referring to their meeting place…. at least that Wicca group achieved one thing special and magical. ‘And what do you mean I have to tell them? What happened to we, us? Together?’ Willow backtracked to what she finally realised Tara had said about telling the others.
‘Well they are your friends’ Tara pointed out smiling at the indignation.
‘They will be yours too. Then you can do your bit and tell them about us so I don’t have to get all worked up and dread it for days. I get very nervous – even about little things. Never mind biggies.’ Just thinking of standing in Giles front room and revealing this truth made Willow uncomfortable. ‘Far better,’ she said, ‘to stay quiet and maybe they will just catch on themselves.’ People are smart that way…aren’t they?
‘Maybe they will. That doesn’t matter though. They were your friends first. First come first to announce.’ Tara maintained the argument, knowing that when it did come to the time it would be Willow’s choice – could not be anything else, what she thought was irrelevant. It was Willow’s life that would be changed far more than her own when the truth was revealed to her friends.
‘Doesn’t matter? That they are your friends too? Of course it matters. They have to like you – because I have wonderful taste.’ Willow truly felt that. She had said it as a joke, and wouldn’t have chosen to express her feelings seriously that way, but she couldn’t imagine a more perfect choice in her life than that which was Tara. Not the choice to love a woman. Not the choice to accept the labels that would inevitably go with that. The choice to be with Tara. The person that she was. That had been the only choice that had mattered.
‘Yes you do and no it doesn’t matter. I have you…’ Tara tailed off, raising her own head to lean forward and kiss Willow’s hair.
‘And you deserve more,’ Willow said gently stroking Tara’s side through the pyjamas.
‘True.’
Willow punched Tara’s arm gently. ‘Don’t go getting all complacent on me now. Just because you have me, doesn’t mean you can take me for granted.’
‘Well I don’t need anything more than you, really I don’t. And I never thought I would get you’ Tara admitted to the woman who was her love. The love of her life. Though it didn’t take anywhere near what Willow provided to reach that level. And I have her!
‘Well your going to get it anyway… with bells on!’
‘Oooh k-kinky,’ Tara shot back without a moments thought.
Willow had the decency to blush then. ‘You know you are evil sometimes. You come over all shy and nervous but you know exactly what you want don’t you? And how to get it.’
‘Just you.’ Tara kissed the top of her head once more and Willow shifted in the bed, wrapping her body around Tara’s side.
‘And I think that for once you are enjoying the fact that you had so few friends here. That you are lonely.’ Willow pointed out.
‘Was lonely.’ Tara corrected but nodded. ‘Well it is kind of easier to deal with all this. But Willow, you shouldn’t worry about telling them, or them finding out. As I said they are good people. They will love you whatever happens. Just like me.’
Willow almost purred at that reassurance as the other woman continued to stroke her hair.
‘Of course,’ Tara carried on, ‘They might see me as the corrupting b-bitch queen from hell.’
Willow sat up with a start, resting on her arm. She looked at Tara, saw that she was joking but still it wasn’t something that Willow had enjoyed hearing – even in jest. Willow placed a finger on Tara’s lips, silencing her. ‘Don’t ever say that.’ Tara kissed that raised finger.
‘That I am a bitch queen from h-hell?’ Tara asked. Closer to the truth than you know my love. But that was a worry for another time.
‘No - that you like, corrupted me. I know you didn’t mean it that way, that you were just joking, but you should never feel that you brought me down this wonderful road we are on. Never doubt that I came this way myself.’ Willow was determined that Tara should never have to doubt why she was here with her. ‘Infact I could probably have done with a little more corrupting all in all. And besides I see you more as a beautiful princess than a evil queen.’ Willow leaned in and kissed Tara’s nose.
‘Mmmmn I like that.’ Tara smiled at the description and Willow returned her head to resting on her friends collar bone, where the hand again found her to cradle her head, stroke that red hair as Willow hugged herself to Tara’s body.
‘You know, you make me feel safe’ Willow commented, seemingly out of nowhere. ‘I wasn’t scared these last two nights. A deranged slayer baying for my blood and I wasn’t scared. I don’t think I have ever felt so safe as I do here.’
‘It’s my room. It’s a dimensional portal,’ Tara said deadpan. There was an awkward pause as Willow considered this possibility. ‘Not really’ Tara reassured her.
‘Good. I’m not great with dimensional portals. They seem to make a mess of the carpet…or summon freaky doppelgangers.’ Willow shuddered, more at the portal that had taken her to an opportunity to replace Anya as a vengeance demon than that which had allowed her to meet herself – which despite it all had been kind of interesting. And after all vampire Willow hadn’t been so different then… just insane and evil. ‘Besides it isn’t the room. It’s any place that you are. With me. Together.’
‘Together’ Tara repeated, shifting her body, rolling onto her side and encouraging Willow to shift to face her, holding each other there, eyes level and deep within the other’s.
‘It’s still early’ Willow commented, despite it being way past midnight. ‘Can we…snuggle?’ All things were relative after all and even if it had been hours later she would still have asked, such was the stage of the relationship.
Tara smiled, momentarily tightening her grip on Willow, pulling her closer before relaxing in that new, closer position, maintaining only enough distance to talk. ‘I thought we were.’ Caressing Willow’s skin as well as her hair and face.
‘I know we are,’ Willow admitted. ‘But a little more. Just a little…’ There was still a hurdle for them there, that she was not yet ready to jump. But she knew she could hop a little. Enjoy a little more snuggling.
Tara smiled, knowing that Willow wasn’t ready for much more than they were already doing and also knowing that she wasn’t either. Willow seemed to think that she was some kind of expert at this relationship thing and it’s many facets. But she wasn’t. However she nodded, then as a thought sprung to her mind asked ‘Faith?’
Wow, thought Willow, where did that come from? ‘Three would definitely be a crowd. Absolutely more snuggling than I am ready for.’
Tara smiled again. ‘Do you think she is really gone? I mean she knows who I am now…knows more than Buffy or any of the others.’
‘She’s gone….and if she comes near you I’ll…I’ll turn her into a….well I don’t know, but it will be small and will go squish when I step on her and grind her under the sole of my shoe.’ Willow was so fierce in her promise that Tara could not doubt what she said, that protecting Tara could cause her to go to such lengths. It was a testimony of sorts to the growing bond between them. It was also a little worrying though. Someone as powerful – or at least as potentially powerful - as Willow could really do some real damage if she was forced to protect the one she loved.
Loves… she loves me yeah, yeah, yeah. The words of the song started to swirl through Tara’s mind in a glorious dance.
‘Do you not think it was strange though? That Faith could see that we are…together. She was crude…but she was right – about us.’ Tara had not mentioned what Faith had said about Oz. It was obviously just an attempt to hurt her and Willow, but what if that had been true as well?
‘I guess so. I never saw Faith as being great at observation and emotions, but…I guess she had hidden depths. Or perhaps we were just really obvious. Do we have to talk about her? I mean she is gone…’ Willow wanted to bring an end to the entire episode and concentrate on her new love….there, she thought, I thought the word love again. Must be serious. So why can’t I say it to her? Because I am too cautious for my own good.
‘I don’t think I w-will ever turn down a snuggle.’ Tara said, ‘With you at least.’
‘Witch.’
‘Your witch.’ Tara pulled Willow into her close embrace from which they did not emerge until the sun had risen high in the morning sky.
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Endnote: Now isn;t that just the sappiest last sentence imaginable? Sounds like a bad romance novel... course I wouldn't change it.
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 01, 2001).]
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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I love how this story is playing out, like a scenic tour. It takes much longer to get where you're going but the journey is what makes the trip worthwhile!
Vivamus, mea Lesbia, atque amemus!
(Let us live, my Lesbia, and let us love!)
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i really like this - jolly good read! (oh dear... i sound like my grandad).
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Katharyn
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She's my always
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Give me more.. a nice kiss or two.. geez.. oh god.. how many more till nmr I am loving this.. i may need to reread before nmr.
And how much did i love this:
Was I what?’ Willow asked, making use of a little of that closet space to hang up her clothes. She got to leave her stuff over here. To make it easier to be with Tara and not have to go back to her own room so early in the morning. She had closet space!
And a bit of a shelf.
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Part 16 - Reality Check - Superstar based Angst
Part 17 - Reactions - Where the Wild things are based, not too much angst but basically a setup for NMR
Part 18 - The Dimming Flame - Tara PoV in NMR from Oz walking into Gile's to when she goes to Willow's room and finds him there. Angst
Part 19 - The Flickering Flame - Willow PoV from being told Tara has come over to when she goes to see Tara and is told she must do what makes her happy (in progress but angst)
Part 20 - Burning Bright - The Extra Flamey moment onwards....intimate
Part 21 - First Light - the morning after.
And then it can continue from there but I think it will be hard to build it up again...
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 01, 2001).]
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Lonewolf
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I currently find myself in redraft hell, aside from writing "The Flickering Flame" I keep getting caught up in redrafting Burning Bright... For some reason I can't leave it alone...
You will have to excuse me kittens, as I warned last week the posting rate is going to slow down for the next few weeks as I have work committments that are unavoidable. It is not a question of actually posting, just the writing and redrafting time being less available. But I will keep going... so here you go, Reality Check...
Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Reality Check. (Currently Part 16)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Superstar”
Summary: Tara is injured by the “evil monster” that is feeding Jonathan’s powerful illusion and ends up in a cupboard all night. This story is after she is found in there and prior to Buffy’s arrival as shown in the episode.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: Would it surprise you to know, given the circumstances, that this is another angst story? No… thought not. The story is told from Willow’s PoV which seems to be becoming a mini-trend, totally unintentional as I have just slotted 2 stories written recently around another existing one... all three W PoV. It should be remembered of course that Jonathan’s magic is still at work here, so there where there are some references to him and events in the episode, they are mainly there for continuity purposes though I have tried to limit them as he is not really the point. Though the episode established that people were starting to forget Jonathan’s reality after it had been dispelled I wanted to get into Tara and Willow’s feeling during that time since the injury and terror itself was very real.
Thanks To: This one is for Kerry (Forrister) who has been staunch in her support of this cycle when I have expressed doubts in these notes, go read her fic and ask her to write more. But I get in trouble if I don’t credit my significant other too so L, here you go…consider yourself thanked.
The Beginnings Cycle
Reality Check
By Katharyn Rosser
It’s my fault, Willow told herself, concerned in spite of the reassurances of the doctor.
Tara was lying there on the bed. Huddled and curled up just as the janitor said that he had found her in his closet. How long had she been there? Tara couldn’t say. She hadn’t said much at all since Willow had arrived. When she had got here some of Tara’s well-meaning dorm-mates had been with her, the campus doctor was just departing. The doctor had filled her in and then she had shooed those dorm-mates out of there.
They were not Tara’s friends – but it was nice to see that they were concerned for “the quiet girl.” That was what they called her, and with reason Willow supposed though it did annoy her to have Tara dismissed as just that. She was the “quiet girl’s friend.” Which she didn’t mind so much.
She couldn’t deny their naming.
How long had Tara been there? Hurt, alone and frightened?
It must have been for hours, the door wedged shut with cleaning signs, buckets and broom handles. Tara huddled in a corner under the janitors jacket. Protected by cleaning utensils against some thing that had hurt her and she had barely escaped from. The thing that Jonathan had assured them would not come out of the woods. The thing that was not a threat. After all Jonathan said so. Must be true. Except it hadn’t been true for Tara.
It was my fault.
Protected by cleaning stuff, Tara’s life resting on the strength of a broom handle? Where was Jonathan during all that?
Where was I? That was part of the deal… when you were in love. You protected the person you loved as best you could. When you could. And she could have. But she hadn’t. Not by a long shot.
Looking down at Tara, huddled there the scared woman was an almost pitiful sight. She was still shivering. She hadn’t stopped apparently since the janitor had dismantled the closet door to get in there and find out what the students had done to his stuff this time. Though the room was warm and Tara was fully clothed she was still shivering. She was still scared. Hearing the door being taken slowly off it’s hinges not knowing what was going on, how scary must that have been after sitting all night wondering if some thing was going to come back for her. If it had ever gone away. What would it be like to survive with a demon at the door? Willow wasn’t sure that she would have fared any better.
Even here with me now she is scared. Even after all we have been through she still gets scared. I guess we all do, Willow admitted. Probably because she had been alone. Before their problems had always been handled between them. Tara had never had to deal with any of Sunnydale’s terrors absolutely alone before. It was how they had really found each other afterall.
I should have been with her. Alone Tara had barely got away with her life. Her clothes reeked, and Willow guessed she had pulled off a clouding spell to try and escape. The sulphur stench was not a pleasant after effect to share a tiny closet with. But Tara had managed that, to use her skills in a moment of terror to escape and Willow was proud of for that – and for staying alive. To be with me. Together they might have held it off until someone could have got Jonathan to deal with that monster. Together they were so much stronger.
And why wasn’t I there?
Because I was afraid and not of what I should have been. Not of the monsters. I was afraid of people knowing about me, and this wonderful woman who I got hurt. I knew that Tara wanted me to find a way last night, a way for me to come back with her. Not because she was afraid. Just because she wanted me to be there. With her. But Buffy was there and I couldn’t take that step. I didn’t even have to say anything, or explain. I just had to go with her for whatever reason. Even as far as the others are concerned we are friends. We are Wicca’s who do spells together – at night sometimes. It could have been that. It didn’t have to be the truth or the whole truth. It wasn’t like Buffy couldn’t make it home ok without her. Next to Jonathan Buffy was the most capable of getting home alone person Willow had ever met.
But Tara didn’t. Get home ok.
And I even wanted to go with her. They had shared a look back then. Tara had looked at her and she had looked back. In that moment they had shared a desire to be together. But Tara had also seen that she couldn’t, not with Buffy there. She accepted it and I accepted it and our acceptance nearly got her killed.
I knew the monster was out there and I trusted Jonathan’s word so much that I didn’t even insist that we accompany her to the dorm, Willow thought. I mean ok, he’s Jonathan with all that meant for the safety and entertainment of the world, but this…this is Tara. And that was worth more than even Jonathan’s assurances. That meant that you made sure. She should have made sure.
This is the woman I love and no matter what you don’t take chances with that person. It hadn’t seemed like a chance at that moment, but in Sunnydale it always was. Always.
Willow gently tended to Tara’s few scrapes and bruises, first the sting of antiseptic that brought more tears to Tara’s eyes and then gentle cleaning of less serious wounds. She leaned in close and whispered to the woman she loved as she worked. The kind of gentle words that she would want to hear in this circumstance. The comforts, the assurances that it was all alright, that she would make it alright.
Not Buffy, not even Jonathan. She would make it alright with Tara at least, if not dealing with the monster. But with Tara… just me. She’s mine. Willow’s protective instincts were aroused – but far too late to be of any use to this woman who was already suffering the consequences.
And Tara didn’t respond in the slightest to her whispers.
Did Tara blame her? As much as Willow blamed herself for this? Was that why she was remaining silent, huddled facing away from her on the bed? Willow sat closer behind Tara on the edge of the bed, her hand touching Tara’s back and the other woman jumped. Literally – as if she hadn’t known that Willow was even there. She was so scared and right now, wherever Tara was mentally, she was still so alone. Willow left her hand in Tara’s back and gently stroking there as she whispered her comforts to Tara.
But why don’t I tell what I really feel? Would that not be a bigger comfort? Willow asked herself wanting to tell Tara now, to try and make it all better. No it wouldn’t Tara was physically and mentally bruised, this wasn’t the time for sneaking out declarations of love just to make her feel better… or to assuage my own guilt. There wouldn’t be any doubt about why Willow would say such a thing – it was a blatant truth after all - but to do that now... like this, it would cheapen something that was so precious. Almost as precious as Tara herself. Not quite, but almost.
The touch of her hand on Tara’s back provoked another, delayed, reaction, a low moan from the huddled young woman, and Willow realised that her back was hurt and gently started to take a look, asking Tara to assist her by moving to allow her to lift the clothing. And this time she did respond. And lifting that Tara’s back was exposed. Black and blue along some of the ridges formed by her spine. Had she fallen to the floor, had the monster hit her? Poor baby. Willow didn’t know but that at least explained why Tara was reluctant to lie on her back and Willow abandoned her plan to lie there, holding Tara, to help her feel safe. That would have been just great to hurt her again.
And in spite of the circumstances her mind betrayed her, again. Celebrated that as the reason for Tara not being able to look at her, to face her. Rather than it being my fault. At least in her mind. In my own heart… guilty as charged. She carefully replaced the clothing in anticipation of Buffy’s arrival and allowed Tara to maintain her furled up position.
And she hated herself for even thinking that. That it was nothing, apparently, more than that. It was a selfish thought but having been the cause of those bruises, that pain she didn’t want to be blamed by Tara for it… even if she deserve to be punished. Willow could figuratively flog herself, but she couldn’t bear Tara to do it.
Blame though had probably never occurred to Tara. The woman was non-judgemental to the point of virtuosity. Maybe because one way or another she had herself been judged far too much in her own life and she knew the problems such judgement caused. For both parties and fortunately for everyone Tara did not seem to be a person who would inflict on the world what the world inflicted on her.
But I deserve to be judged.
I deserve to be seen as the bad, bad person I am. Too often she had felt that she had been bad around Tara. To her. That had to change, and it already was. To be forced into an act of contrition. But she wasn’t going to get that demand from Tara. She knew that and it was part of what she loved about this beautiful woman. Again though, she could say that to herself that she loved Tara – but why couldn’t she say it to Tara? Or anyone else. It would have avoided all this pain. Just telling Buffy… dealing with that. She had been avoiding it and look where it got Tara. Consequences…
Willow stood and rounded the bed, kneeling this time in front of Tara and leaned in till their foreheads were touching, their breath’s intermingling. ‘I’m sorry.’ Willow whispered so gently that Tara might of missed it in the drawing of a breath. She didn’t though, her eyes flicked back from whatever blank point they had been fixated on staring straight through the space Willow now occupied and met Willow’s. And then she gave Willow a tiny smile, or tried to. But whether it succeeded or not it was enough for Willow.
It said everything that Willow needed it to. She understood in that twitch of Tara’s lips that Tara didn’t blame her as she blamed herself. She understood that Tara still loved her. She had known for some time that it was love. And she had known that the reciprocal was also true. But just couldn’t say it. Couldn’t make that final jump. Until now… now she was ready, but she couldn’t - not like this. She wouldn’t. Not so that Tara could hear her anyway. That would wait for another, better, time. A time that would be remembered as special – not for pain and anguish.
But the smile in the midst of the pain. Even then Tara was trying to comfort her, to make it easier for her. The smile that had been one of the first things she had noticed about Tara.
Oh…
Willow leaned in again and placed a tender kiss on Tara’s forehead, to which when she pulled back, Tara replied with tear filled eyes, this time nothing to do with the sting of antiseptic. ‘Rest now honey. It’s all right. I’ll take care of you. I always will’ Willow affirmed and Tara shuddered with relief as Willow stroked her cheek and leaned in to place the slighest of touches against her lips with her own. Then she started, jumping almost bodily from the bed as there was a knock at the door disrupting their quiet.
‘I always will,’ Willow repeated stroking her hair. Before whispering, for the first time out loud, as she went to the door ‘I love you Tara.’
The other woman couldn’t have heard her - so softly was it spoken. But that wasn’t the point.
And Tara knew.
------------
Edited - as you use antisecptic on cuts, not disinfectant!!
And edited again because Xita was right about the kiss.
------------------
She's my always
Dic mihi paulum quod sentis!
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 02, 2001).]
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I am currently writing "The Flickering Flame" see the post above for what that includes - as I felt that it was too big a jump to go from the scooby meeting aftermath to Extra Flamey in one go. I now find myself wondering if I need to do an immediate prequel to the Extra Flamey "Burning Bright." If I did it would essentially be the scene in the van from Willow's PoV and a totally depressed Tara PoV. Any thoughts and opinions? As everyone knows exactly where this is going then it is not critical...
Course that will delay posting of Burning Bright which seems to be where people want to be... and always assumes I can find time to write another new fic from scratch
Katharyn
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She's my always
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Well done!
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
(A sure friend is discovered in an unsure situation).
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
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As for the extra part... I will give it a go, if it works then fine, if not we are still on track.
Best guess for next part is Tuesday night. Sorry Kittens but work is intruding...so unless I get a free bit of time...
Katharyn
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She's my always
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thanks so much k! michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 03, 2001).]
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posted September 01, 2001 13:01 Thump-thump,Thump-thump: Happy heart sounds and big googy smile reading this part.IP: LoggedtommoLesbian Gay Type Lover ------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
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posted September 01, 2001 13:33 It's true romance Katharyn, so sappy is like, the order of the day. I love scenes like this with Willow and Tara. Sometimes I forget how wonderful they are together. And you've captured it perfectly here.------------------
"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
I love how this story is playing out, like a scenic tour. It takes much longer to get where you're going but the journey is what makes the trip worthwhile!
Vivamus, mea Lesbia, atque amemus!
(Let us live, my Lesbia, and let us love!)
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posted September 01, 2001 14:27 Ah! The delicate dance of love! You may make a romantic out of me yet.I love how this story is playing out, like a scenic tour. It takes much longer to get where you're going but the journey is what makes the trip worthwhile!
Vivamus, mea Lesbia, atque amemus!
(Let us live, my Lesbia, and let us love!)
i really like this - jolly good read! (oh dear... i sound like my grandad).
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posted September 01, 2001 14:30 this is so romantic! it's so sweet!i really like this - jolly good read! (oh dear... i sound like my grandad).
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted September 01, 2001 14:36 That seemed to go down pretty well, I thought it was a little to OTT sappy but what do I know, I am too close. Dare I say back to angst next part... sorry, but Tara getting hurt in Superstar... Posting on Sunday night or Monday morning.Katharyn
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She's my always
Give me more.. a nice kiss or two.. geez.. oh god.. how many more till nmr I am loving this.. i may need to reread before nmr.
And how much did i love this:
Was I what?’ Willow asked, making use of a little of that closet space to hang up her clothes. She got to leave her stuff over here. To make it easier to be with Tara and not have to go back to her own room so early in the morning. She had closet space!
And a bit of a shelf.
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posted September 01, 2001 15:06 Oh I love sap. love it. love it.Give me more.. a nice kiss or two.. geez.. oh god.. how many more till nmr I am loving this.. i may need to reread before nmr.
And how much did i love this:
Was I what?’ Willow asked, making use of a little of that closet space to hang up her clothes. She got to leave her stuff over here. To make it easier to be with Tara and not have to go back to her own room so early in the morning. She had closet space!
And a bit of a shelf.
Part 16 - Reality Check - Superstar based Angst
Part 17 - Reactions - Where the Wild things are based, not too much angst but basically a setup for NMR
Part 18 - The Dimming Flame - Tara PoV in NMR from Oz walking into Gile's to when she goes to Willow's room and finds him there. Angst
Part 19 - The Flickering Flame - Willow PoV from being told Tara has come over to when she goes to see Tara and is told she must do what makes her happy (in progress but angst)
Part 20 - Burning Bright - The Extra Flamey moment onwards....intimate
Part 21 - First Light - the morning after.
And then it can continue from there but I think it will be hard to build it up again...
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 01, 2001).]
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posted September 01, 2001 15:23 Since Xita has picked that line out and I didn't even recognise it for a few seconds(!) I guess I will put her out of her misery and give you a run down of the path to NMR.Part 16 - Reality Check - Superstar based Angst
Part 17 - Reactions - Where the Wild things are based, not too much angst but basically a setup for NMR
Part 18 - The Dimming Flame - Tara PoV in NMR from Oz walking into Gile's to when she goes to Willow's room and finds him there. Angst
Part 19 - The Flickering Flame - Willow PoV from being told Tara has come over to when she goes to see Tara and is told she must do what makes her happy (in progress but angst)
Part 20 - Burning Bright - The Extra Flamey moment onwards....intimate
Part 21 - First Light - the morning after.
And then it can continue from there but I think it will be hard to build it up again...
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 01, 2001).]
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posted September 01, 2001 19:42 Slowly but surely NMR is approaching!! The build up is absolutely fantastic - the way you analyse each and every moment is wonderful. This story justs gets better and better. I'm am sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for more....please! IP: LoggedLonewolfDoll's eye crystal Lonewolf
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posted September 02, 2001 02:33 Katharyn: I think I can speak for everybody here when I say that we can't wait for all the parts, especially the extra flamey scene in NMR.Lonewolf
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs I currently find myself in redraft hell, aside from writing "The Flickering Flame" I keep getting caught up in redrafting Burning Bright... For some reason I can't leave it alone...
You will have to excuse me kittens, as I warned last week the posting rate is going to slow down for the next few weeks as I have work committments that are unavoidable. It is not a question of actually posting, just the writing and redrafting time being less available. But I will keep going... so here you go, Reality Check...
Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Reality Check. (Currently Part 16)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Superstar”
Summary: Tara is injured by the “evil monster” that is feeding Jonathan’s powerful illusion and ends up in a cupboard all night. This story is after she is found in there and prior to Buffy’s arrival as shown in the episode.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: Would it surprise you to know, given the circumstances, that this is another angst story? No… thought not. The story is told from Willow’s PoV which seems to be becoming a mini-trend, totally unintentional as I have just slotted 2 stories written recently around another existing one... all three W PoV. It should be remembered of course that Jonathan’s magic is still at work here, so there where there are some references to him and events in the episode, they are mainly there for continuity purposes though I have tried to limit them as he is not really the point. Though the episode established that people were starting to forget Jonathan’s reality after it had been dispelled I wanted to get into Tara and Willow’s feeling during that time since the injury and terror itself was very real.
Thanks To: This one is for Kerry (Forrister) who has been staunch in her support of this cycle when I have expressed doubts in these notes, go read her fic and ask her to write more. But I get in trouble if I don’t credit my significant other too so L, here you go…consider yourself thanked.
The Beginnings Cycle
Reality Check
By Katharyn Rosser
It’s my fault, Willow told herself, concerned in spite of the reassurances of the doctor.
Tara was lying there on the bed. Huddled and curled up just as the janitor said that he had found her in his closet. How long had she been there? Tara couldn’t say. She hadn’t said much at all since Willow had arrived. When she had got here some of Tara’s well-meaning dorm-mates had been with her, the campus doctor was just departing. The doctor had filled her in and then she had shooed those dorm-mates out of there.
They were not Tara’s friends – but it was nice to see that they were concerned for “the quiet girl.” That was what they called her, and with reason Willow supposed though it did annoy her to have Tara dismissed as just that. She was the “quiet girl’s friend.” Which she didn’t mind so much.
She couldn’t deny their naming.
How long had Tara been there? Hurt, alone and frightened?
It must have been for hours, the door wedged shut with cleaning signs, buckets and broom handles. Tara huddled in a corner under the janitors jacket. Protected by cleaning utensils against some thing that had hurt her and she had barely escaped from. The thing that Jonathan had assured them would not come out of the woods. The thing that was not a threat. After all Jonathan said so. Must be true. Except it hadn’t been true for Tara.
It was my fault.
Protected by cleaning stuff, Tara’s life resting on the strength of a broom handle? Where was Jonathan during all that?
Where was I? That was part of the deal… when you were in love. You protected the person you loved as best you could. When you could. And she could have. But she hadn’t. Not by a long shot.
Looking down at Tara, huddled there the scared woman was an almost pitiful sight. She was still shivering. She hadn’t stopped apparently since the janitor had dismantled the closet door to get in there and find out what the students had done to his stuff this time. Though the room was warm and Tara was fully clothed she was still shivering. She was still scared. Hearing the door being taken slowly off it’s hinges not knowing what was going on, how scary must that have been after sitting all night wondering if some thing was going to come back for her. If it had ever gone away. What would it be like to survive with a demon at the door? Willow wasn’t sure that she would have fared any better.
Even here with me now she is scared. Even after all we have been through she still gets scared. I guess we all do, Willow admitted. Probably because she had been alone. Before their problems had always been handled between them. Tara had never had to deal with any of Sunnydale’s terrors absolutely alone before. It was how they had really found each other afterall.
I should have been with her. Alone Tara had barely got away with her life. Her clothes reeked, and Willow guessed she had pulled off a clouding spell to try and escape. The sulphur stench was not a pleasant after effect to share a tiny closet with. But Tara had managed that, to use her skills in a moment of terror to escape and Willow was proud of for that – and for staying alive. To be with me. Together they might have held it off until someone could have got Jonathan to deal with that monster. Together they were so much stronger.
And why wasn’t I there?
Because I was afraid and not of what I should have been. Not of the monsters. I was afraid of people knowing about me, and this wonderful woman who I got hurt. I knew that Tara wanted me to find a way last night, a way for me to come back with her. Not because she was afraid. Just because she wanted me to be there. With her. But Buffy was there and I couldn’t take that step. I didn’t even have to say anything, or explain. I just had to go with her for whatever reason. Even as far as the others are concerned we are friends. We are Wicca’s who do spells together – at night sometimes. It could have been that. It didn’t have to be the truth or the whole truth. It wasn’t like Buffy couldn’t make it home ok without her. Next to Jonathan Buffy was the most capable of getting home alone person Willow had ever met.
But Tara didn’t. Get home ok.
And I even wanted to go with her. They had shared a look back then. Tara had looked at her and she had looked back. In that moment they had shared a desire to be together. But Tara had also seen that she couldn’t, not with Buffy there. She accepted it and I accepted it and our acceptance nearly got her killed.
I knew the monster was out there and I trusted Jonathan’s word so much that I didn’t even insist that we accompany her to the dorm, Willow thought. I mean ok, he’s Jonathan with all that meant for the safety and entertainment of the world, but this…this is Tara. And that was worth more than even Jonathan’s assurances. That meant that you made sure. She should have made sure.
This is the woman I love and no matter what you don’t take chances with that person. It hadn’t seemed like a chance at that moment, but in Sunnydale it always was. Always.
Willow gently tended to Tara’s few scrapes and bruises, first the sting of antiseptic that brought more tears to Tara’s eyes and then gentle cleaning of less serious wounds. She leaned in close and whispered to the woman she loved as she worked. The kind of gentle words that she would want to hear in this circumstance. The comforts, the assurances that it was all alright, that she would make it alright.
Not Buffy, not even Jonathan. She would make it alright with Tara at least, if not dealing with the monster. But with Tara… just me. She’s mine. Willow’s protective instincts were aroused – but far too late to be of any use to this woman who was already suffering the consequences.
And Tara didn’t respond in the slightest to her whispers.
Did Tara blame her? As much as Willow blamed herself for this? Was that why she was remaining silent, huddled facing away from her on the bed? Willow sat closer behind Tara on the edge of the bed, her hand touching Tara’s back and the other woman jumped. Literally – as if she hadn’t known that Willow was even there. She was so scared and right now, wherever Tara was mentally, she was still so alone. Willow left her hand in Tara’s back and gently stroking there as she whispered her comforts to Tara.
But why don’t I tell what I really feel? Would that not be a bigger comfort? Willow asked herself wanting to tell Tara now, to try and make it all better. No it wouldn’t Tara was physically and mentally bruised, this wasn’t the time for sneaking out declarations of love just to make her feel better… or to assuage my own guilt. There wouldn’t be any doubt about why Willow would say such a thing – it was a blatant truth after all - but to do that now... like this, it would cheapen something that was so precious. Almost as precious as Tara herself. Not quite, but almost.
The touch of her hand on Tara’s back provoked another, delayed, reaction, a low moan from the huddled young woman, and Willow realised that her back was hurt and gently started to take a look, asking Tara to assist her by moving to allow her to lift the clothing. And this time she did respond. And lifting that Tara’s back was exposed. Black and blue along some of the ridges formed by her spine. Had she fallen to the floor, had the monster hit her? Poor baby. Willow didn’t know but that at least explained why Tara was reluctant to lie on her back and Willow abandoned her plan to lie there, holding Tara, to help her feel safe. That would have been just great to hurt her again.
And in spite of the circumstances her mind betrayed her, again. Celebrated that as the reason for Tara not being able to look at her, to face her. Rather than it being my fault. At least in her mind. In my own heart… guilty as charged. She carefully replaced the clothing in anticipation of Buffy’s arrival and allowed Tara to maintain her furled up position.
And she hated herself for even thinking that. That it was nothing, apparently, more than that. It was a selfish thought but having been the cause of those bruises, that pain she didn’t want to be blamed by Tara for it… even if she deserve to be punished. Willow could figuratively flog herself, but she couldn’t bear Tara to do it.
Blame though had probably never occurred to Tara. The woman was non-judgemental to the point of virtuosity. Maybe because one way or another she had herself been judged far too much in her own life and she knew the problems such judgement caused. For both parties and fortunately for everyone Tara did not seem to be a person who would inflict on the world what the world inflicted on her.
But I deserve to be judged.
I deserve to be seen as the bad, bad person I am. Too often she had felt that she had been bad around Tara. To her. That had to change, and it already was. To be forced into an act of contrition. But she wasn’t going to get that demand from Tara. She knew that and it was part of what she loved about this beautiful woman. Again though, she could say that to herself that she loved Tara – but why couldn’t she say it to Tara? Or anyone else. It would have avoided all this pain. Just telling Buffy… dealing with that. She had been avoiding it and look where it got Tara. Consequences…
Willow stood and rounded the bed, kneeling this time in front of Tara and leaned in till their foreheads were touching, their breath’s intermingling. ‘I’m sorry.’ Willow whispered so gently that Tara might of missed it in the drawing of a breath. She didn’t though, her eyes flicked back from whatever blank point they had been fixated on staring straight through the space Willow now occupied and met Willow’s. And then she gave Willow a tiny smile, or tried to. But whether it succeeded or not it was enough for Willow.
It said everything that Willow needed it to. She understood in that twitch of Tara’s lips that Tara didn’t blame her as she blamed herself. She understood that Tara still loved her. She had known for some time that it was love. And she had known that the reciprocal was also true. But just couldn’t say it. Couldn’t make that final jump. Until now… now she was ready, but she couldn’t - not like this. She wouldn’t. Not so that Tara could hear her anyway. That would wait for another, better, time. A time that would be remembered as special – not for pain and anguish.
But the smile in the midst of the pain. Even then Tara was trying to comfort her, to make it easier for her. The smile that had been one of the first things she had noticed about Tara.
Oh…
Willow leaned in again and placed a tender kiss on Tara’s forehead, to which when she pulled back, Tara replied with tear filled eyes, this time nothing to do with the sting of antiseptic. ‘Rest now honey. It’s all right. I’ll take care of you. I always will’ Willow affirmed and Tara shuddered with relief as Willow stroked her cheek and leaned in to place the slighest of touches against her lips with her own. Then she started, jumping almost bodily from the bed as there was a knock at the door disrupting their quiet.
‘I always will,’ Willow repeated stroking her hair. Before whispering, for the first time out loud, as she went to the door ‘I love you Tara.’
The other woman couldn’t have heard her - so softly was it spoken. But that wasn’t the point.
And Tara knew.
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Edited - as you use antisecptic on cuts, not disinfectant!!
And edited again because Xita was right about the kiss.
------------------
She's my always
Dic mihi paulum quod sentis!
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 02, 2001).]
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I am currently writing "The Flickering Flame" see the post above for what that includes - as I felt that it was too big a jump to go from the scooby meeting aftermath to Extra Flamey in one go. I now find myself wondering if I need to do an immediate prequel to the Extra Flamey "Burning Bright." If I did it would essentially be the scene in the van from Willow's PoV and a totally depressed Tara PoV. Any thoughts and opinions? As everyone knows exactly where this is going then it is not critical...
Course that will delay posting of Burning Bright which seems to be where people want to be... and always assumes I can find time to write another new fic from scratch
Katharyn
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She's my always
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Well done!
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
(A sure friend is discovered in an unsure situation).
IP: Logged
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
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As for the extra part... I will give it a go, if it works then fine, if not we are still on track.
Best guess for next part is Tuesday night. Sorry Kittens but work is intruding...so unless I get a free bit of time...
Katharyn
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She's my always
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thanks so much k! michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 03, 2001).]
IP: Logged
I currently find myself in redraft hell, aside from writing "The Flickering Flame" I keep getting caught up in redrafting Burning Bright... For some reason I can't leave it alone...
You will have to excuse me kittens, as I warned last week the posting rate is going to slow down for the next few weeks as I have work committments that are unavoidable. It is not a question of actually posting, just the writing and redrafting time being less available. But I will keep going... so here you go, Reality Check...
Katharyn.
--------------
Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Reality Check. (Currently Part 16)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Superstar”
Summary: Tara is injured by the “evil monster” that is feeding Jonathan’s powerful illusion and ends up in a cupboard all night. This story is after she is found in there and prior to Buffy’s arrival as shown in the episode.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: Would it surprise you to know, given the circumstances, that this is another angst story? No… thought not. The story is told from Willow’s PoV which seems to be becoming a mini-trend, totally unintentional as I have just slotted 2 stories written recently around another existing one... all three W PoV. It should be remembered of course that Jonathan’s magic is still at work here, so there where there are some references to him and events in the episode, they are mainly there for continuity purposes though I have tried to limit them as he is not really the point. Though the episode established that people were starting to forget Jonathan’s reality after it had been dispelled I wanted to get into Tara and Willow’s feeling during that time since the injury and terror itself was very real.
Thanks To: This one is for Kerry (Forrister) who has been staunch in her support of this cycle when I have expressed doubts in these notes, go read her fic and ask her to write more. But I get in trouble if I don’t credit my significant other too so L, here you go…consider yourself thanked.
The Beginnings Cycle
Reality Check
By Katharyn Rosser
It’s my fault, Willow told herself, concerned in spite of the reassurances of the doctor.
Tara was lying there on the bed. Huddled and curled up just as the janitor said that he had found her in his closet. How long had she been there? Tara couldn’t say. She hadn’t said much at all since Willow had arrived. When she had got here some of Tara’s well-meaning dorm-mates had been with her, the campus doctor was just departing. The doctor had filled her in and then she had shooed those dorm-mates out of there.
They were not Tara’s friends – but it was nice to see that they were concerned for “the quiet girl.” That was what they called her, and with reason Willow supposed though it did annoy her to have Tara dismissed as just that. She was the “quiet girl’s friend.” Which she didn’t mind so much.
She couldn’t deny their naming.
How long had Tara been there? Hurt, alone and frightened?
It must have been for hours, the door wedged shut with cleaning signs, buckets and broom handles. Tara huddled in a corner under the janitors jacket. Protected by cleaning utensils against some thing that had hurt her and she had barely escaped from. The thing that Jonathan had assured them would not come out of the woods. The thing that was not a threat. After all Jonathan said so. Must be true. Except it hadn’t been true for Tara.
It was my fault.
Protected by cleaning stuff, Tara’s life resting on the strength of a broom handle? Where was Jonathan during all that?
Where was I? That was part of the deal… when you were in love. You protected the person you loved as best you could. When you could. And she could have. But she hadn’t. Not by a long shot.
Looking down at Tara, huddled there the scared woman was an almost pitiful sight. She was still shivering. She hadn’t stopped apparently since the janitor had dismantled the closet door to get in there and find out what the students had done to his stuff this time. Though the room was warm and Tara was fully clothed she was still shivering. She was still scared. Hearing the door being taken slowly off it’s hinges not knowing what was going on, how scary must that have been after sitting all night wondering if some thing was going to come back for her. If it had ever gone away. What would it be like to survive with a demon at the door? Willow wasn’t sure that she would have fared any better.
Even here with me now she is scared. Even after all we have been through she still gets scared. I guess we all do, Willow admitted. Probably because she had been alone. Before their problems had always been handled between them. Tara had never had to deal with any of Sunnydale’s terrors absolutely alone before. It was how they had really found each other afterall.
I should have been with her. Alone Tara had barely got away with her life. Her clothes reeked, and Willow guessed she had pulled off a clouding spell to try and escape. The sulphur stench was not a pleasant after effect to share a tiny closet with. But Tara had managed that, to use her skills in a moment of terror to escape and Willow was proud of for that – and for staying alive. To be with me. Together they might have held it off until someone could have got Jonathan to deal with that monster. Together they were so much stronger.
And why wasn’t I there?
Because I was afraid and not of what I should have been. Not of the monsters. I was afraid of people knowing about me, and this wonderful woman who I got hurt. I knew that Tara wanted me to find a way last night, a way for me to come back with her. Not because she was afraid. Just because she wanted me to be there. With her. But Buffy was there and I couldn’t take that step. I didn’t even have to say anything, or explain. I just had to go with her for whatever reason. Even as far as the others are concerned we are friends. We are Wicca’s who do spells together – at night sometimes. It could have been that. It didn’t have to be the truth or the whole truth. It wasn’t like Buffy couldn’t make it home ok without her. Next to Jonathan Buffy was the most capable of getting home alone person Willow had ever met.
But Tara didn’t. Get home ok.
And I even wanted to go with her. They had shared a look back then. Tara had looked at her and she had looked back. In that moment they had shared a desire to be together. But Tara had also seen that she couldn’t, not with Buffy there. She accepted it and I accepted it and our acceptance nearly got her killed.
I knew the monster was out there and I trusted Jonathan’s word so much that I didn’t even insist that we accompany her to the dorm, Willow thought. I mean ok, he’s Jonathan with all that meant for the safety and entertainment of the world, but this…this is Tara. And that was worth more than even Jonathan’s assurances. That meant that you made sure. She should have made sure.
This is the woman I love and no matter what you don’t take chances with that person. It hadn’t seemed like a chance at that moment, but in Sunnydale it always was. Always.
Willow gently tended to Tara’s few scrapes and bruises, first the sting of antiseptic that brought more tears to Tara’s eyes and then gentle cleaning of less serious wounds. She leaned in close and whispered to the woman she loved as she worked. The kind of gentle words that she would want to hear in this circumstance. The comforts, the assurances that it was all alright, that she would make it alright.
Not Buffy, not even Jonathan. She would make it alright with Tara at least, if not dealing with the monster. But with Tara… just me. She’s mine. Willow’s protective instincts were aroused – but far too late to be of any use to this woman who was already suffering the consequences.
And Tara didn’t respond in the slightest to her whispers.
Did Tara blame her? As much as Willow blamed herself for this? Was that why she was remaining silent, huddled facing away from her on the bed? Willow sat closer behind Tara on the edge of the bed, her hand touching Tara’s back and the other woman jumped. Literally – as if she hadn’t known that Willow was even there. She was so scared and right now, wherever Tara was mentally, she was still so alone. Willow left her hand in Tara’s back and gently stroking there as she whispered her comforts to Tara.
But why don’t I tell what I really feel? Would that not be a bigger comfort? Willow asked herself wanting to tell Tara now, to try and make it all better. No it wouldn’t Tara was physically and mentally bruised, this wasn’t the time for sneaking out declarations of love just to make her feel better… or to assuage my own guilt. There wouldn’t be any doubt about why Willow would say such a thing – it was a blatant truth after all - but to do that now... like this, it would cheapen something that was so precious. Almost as precious as Tara herself. Not quite, but almost.
The touch of her hand on Tara’s back provoked another, delayed, reaction, a low moan from the huddled young woman, and Willow realised that her back was hurt and gently started to take a look, asking Tara to assist her by moving to allow her to lift the clothing. And this time she did respond. And lifting that Tara’s back was exposed. Black and blue along some of the ridges formed by her spine. Had she fallen to the floor, had the monster hit her? Poor baby. Willow didn’t know but that at least explained why Tara was reluctant to lie on her back and Willow abandoned her plan to lie there, holding Tara, to help her feel safe. That would have been just great to hurt her again.
And in spite of the circumstances her mind betrayed her, again. Celebrated that as the reason for Tara not being able to look at her, to face her. Rather than it being my fault. At least in her mind. In my own heart… guilty as charged. She carefully replaced the clothing in anticipation of Buffy’s arrival and allowed Tara to maintain her furled up position.
And she hated herself for even thinking that. That it was nothing, apparently, more than that. It was a selfish thought but having been the cause of those bruises, that pain she didn’t want to be blamed by Tara for it… even if she deserve to be punished. Willow could figuratively flog herself, but she couldn’t bear Tara to do it.
Blame though had probably never occurred to Tara. The woman was non-judgemental to the point of virtuosity. Maybe because one way or another she had herself been judged far too much in her own life and she knew the problems such judgement caused. For both parties and fortunately for everyone Tara did not seem to be a person who would inflict on the world what the world inflicted on her.
But I deserve to be judged.
I deserve to be seen as the bad, bad person I am. Too often she had felt that she had been bad around Tara. To her. That had to change, and it already was. To be forced into an act of contrition. But she wasn’t going to get that demand from Tara. She knew that and it was part of what she loved about this beautiful woman. Again though, she could say that to herself that she loved Tara – but why couldn’t she say it to Tara? Or anyone else. It would have avoided all this pain. Just telling Buffy… dealing with that. She had been avoiding it and look where it got Tara. Consequences…
Willow stood and rounded the bed, kneeling this time in front of Tara and leaned in till their foreheads were touching, their breath’s intermingling. ‘I’m sorry.’ Willow whispered so gently that Tara might of missed it in the drawing of a breath. She didn’t though, her eyes flicked back from whatever blank point they had been fixated on staring straight through the space Willow now occupied and met Willow’s. And then she gave Willow a tiny smile, or tried to. But whether it succeeded or not it was enough for Willow.
It said everything that Willow needed it to. She understood in that twitch of Tara’s lips that Tara didn’t blame her as she blamed herself. She understood that Tara still loved her. She had known for some time that it was love. And she had known that the reciprocal was also true. But just couldn’t say it. Couldn’t make that final jump. Until now… now she was ready, but she couldn’t - not like this. She wouldn’t. Not so that Tara could hear her anyway. That would wait for another, better, time. A time that would be remembered as special – not for pain and anguish.
But the smile in the midst of the pain. Even then Tara was trying to comfort her, to make it easier for her. The smile that had been one of the first things she had noticed about Tara.
Oh…
Willow leaned in again and placed a tender kiss on Tara’s forehead, to which when she pulled back, Tara replied with tear filled eyes, this time nothing to do with the sting of antiseptic. ‘Rest now honey. It’s all right. I’ll take care of you. I always will’ Willow affirmed and Tara shuddered with relief as Willow stroked her cheek and leaned in to place the slighest of touches against her lips with her own. Then she started, jumping almost bodily from the bed as there was a knock at the door disrupting their quiet.
‘I always will,’ Willow repeated stroking her hair. Before whispering, for the first time out loud, as she went to the door ‘I love you Tara.’
The other woman couldn’t have heard her - so softly was it spoken. But that wasn’t the point.
And Tara knew.
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Edited - as you use antisecptic on cuts, not disinfectant!!
And edited again because Xita was right about the kiss.
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She's my always
Dic mihi paulum quod sentis!
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 02, 2001).]
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I am currently writing "The Flickering Flame" see the post above for what that includes - as I felt that it was too big a jump to go from the scooby meeting aftermath to Extra Flamey in one go. I now find myself wondering if I need to do an immediate prequel to the Extra Flamey "Burning Bright." If I did it would essentially be the scene in the van from Willow's PoV and a totally depressed Tara PoV. Any thoughts and opinions? As everyone knows exactly where this is going then it is not critical...
Course that will delay posting of Burning Bright which seems to be where people want to be... and always assumes I can find time to write another new fic from scratch
Katharyn
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She's my always
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Well done!
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
(A sure friend is discovered in an unsure situation).
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
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As for the extra part... I will give it a go, if it works then fine, if not we are still on track.
Best guess for next part is Tuesday night. Sorry Kittens but work is intruding...so unless I get a free bit of time...
Katharyn
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She's my always
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thanks so much k! michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 03, 2001).]
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posted September 02, 2001 12:40 this is really cool! very well written - can't wait for the next part!IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs I am currently writing "The Flickering Flame" see the post above for what that includes - as I felt that it was too big a jump to go from the scooby meeting aftermath to Extra Flamey in one go. I now find myself wondering if I need to do an immediate prequel to the Extra Flamey "Burning Bright." If I did it would essentially be the scene in the van from Willow's PoV and a totally depressed Tara PoV. Any thoughts and opinions? As everyone knows exactly where this is going then it is not critical...
Course that will delay posting of Burning Bright which seems to be where people want to be... and always assumes I can find time to write another new fic from scratch
Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted September 02, 2001 14:45 A question for the readers.I am currently writing "The Flickering Flame" see the post above for what that includes - as I felt that it was too big a jump to go from the scooby meeting aftermath to Extra Flamey in one go. I now find myself wondering if I need to do an immediate prequel to the Extra Flamey "Burning Bright." If I did it would essentially be the scene in the van from Willow's PoV and a totally depressed Tara PoV. Any thoughts and opinions? As everyone knows exactly where this is going then it is not critical...
Course that will delay posting of Burning Bright which seems to be where people want to be... and always assumes I can find time to write another new fic from scratch
Katharyn
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She's my always
Well done!
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
(A sure friend is discovered in an unsure situation).
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posted September 02, 2001 14:56 Ah! I often wondered who managed to find Tara in that closet, and how they managed to pry her out of it. I think that this part has captured Willow's feelings really well. Love, regret, anger, guilt, love (that one deserves mentioning twice!) they're all there wrapped up neatly in Willow-speak.Well done!
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
(A sure friend is discovered in an unsure situation).
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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posted September 02, 2001 17:14 Really loving the fic Katharyn ... and if you feel another part will help the transition to Burning Bright ... go for it! I will read all parts eagerly!! Just keep posting (I am cracking a whip -- hee hee!!!)------------------
"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
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posted September 02, 2001 18:08 Katherine.. nice and sweet, though Willow should have kissed Tara's lips then, she really should have.IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs As for the extra part... I will give it a go, if it works then fine, if not we are still on track.
Best guess for next part is Tuesday night. Sorry Kittens but work is intruding...so unless I get a free bit of time...
Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted September 02, 2001 18:18 You know Xita you are so right...edited accordingly...not worth reading it all again but it is there now! How could I miss that...?As for the extra part... I will give it a go, if it works then fine, if not we are still on track.
Best guess for next part is Tuesday night. Sorry Kittens but work is intruding...so unless I get a free bit of time...
Katharyn
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She's my always
thanks so much k! michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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posted September 02, 2001 19:35 wow you know, i am loving this story and the more parts in between this and the smoochie pay off the better! aniticipation is so wonderful.thanks so much k! michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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posted September 02, 2001 20:24 I love the suspense. It's going to be so great when they get around to the smoochies.IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 03, 2001).]
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posted September 03, 2001 13:09 A *ahem* touch more than smoochies Nika... and with that back to the writing.Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 03, 2001).]
by nika » Sat Sep 01, 2001 10:01 am
by tommo » Sat Sep 01, 2001 10:33 am
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"She looked across at Willow, whose face was filled with light. She had never felt so calm and happy, and strong..." ~ Unseen: Door To Alternity
by Forrister » Sat Sep 01, 2001 11:27 am
I love how this story is playing out, like a scenic tour. It takes much longer to get where you're going but the journey is what makes the trip worthwhile!
Vivamus, mea Lesbia, atque amemus!
(Let us live, my Lesbia, and let us love!)
by WiccanBex » Sat Sep 01, 2001 11:30 am
i really like this - jolly good read! (oh dear... i sound like my grandad).
by Katharyn » Sat Sep 01, 2001 11:36 am
Katharyn
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She's my always
by xita » Sat Sep 01, 2001 12:06 pm
Give me more.. a nice kiss or two.. geez.. oh god.. how many more till nmr I am loving this.. i may need to reread before nmr.
And how much did i love this:
Was I what?’ Willow asked, making use of a little of that closet space to hang up her clothes. She got to leave her stuff over here. To make it easier to be with Tara and not have to go back to her own room so early in the morning. She had closet space!
And a bit of a shelf.
by Katharyn » Sat Sep 01, 2001 12:23 pm
Part 16 - Reality Check - Superstar based Angst
Part 17 - Reactions - Where the Wild things are based, not too much angst but basically a setup for NMR
Part 18 - The Dimming Flame - Tara PoV in NMR from Oz walking into Gile's to when she goes to Willow's room and finds him there. Angst
Part 19 - The Flickering Flame - Willow PoV from being told Tara has come over to when she goes to see Tara and is told she must do what makes her happy (in progress but angst)
Part 20 - Burning Bright - The Extra Flamey moment onwards....intimate
Part 21 - First Light - the morning after.
And then it can continue from there but I think it will be hard to build it up again...
Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 01, 2001).]
by legend » Sat Sep 01, 2001 4:42 pm
by Lonewolf » Sat Sep 01, 2001 11:33 pm
Lonewolf
by Katharyn » Sun Sep 02, 2001 9:34 am
I currently find myself in redraft hell, aside from writing "The Flickering Flame" I keep getting caught up in redrafting Burning Bright... For some reason I can't leave it alone...
You will have to excuse me kittens, as I warned last week the posting rate is going to slow down for the next few weeks as I have work committments that are unavoidable. It is not a question of actually posting, just the writing and redrafting time being less available. But I will keep going... so here you go, Reality Check...
Katharyn.
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Title: The Beginnings Cycle – Reality Check. (Currently Part 16)
Author: Katharyn Rosser
Feedback: Feed me, feed me. katharynrosser@hotmail.com
Spoiler Warning: Limited spoilers for events up to and including “Superstar”
Summary: Tara is injured by the “evil monster” that is feeding Jonathan’s powerful illusion and ends up in a cupboard all night. This story is after she is found in there and prior to Buffy’s arrival as shown in the episode.
Disclaimer: I still don’t own any of the copyrights or anything else associated with BTVS. All rights lie with the production company, writers etc, etc. I am making zilch from this series of stories.
Rating: PG13
Couples: W/T
Notes: Would it surprise you to know, given the circumstances, that this is another angst story? No… thought not. The story is told from Willow’s PoV which seems to be becoming a mini-trend, totally unintentional as I have just slotted 2 stories written recently around another existing one... all three W PoV. It should be remembered of course that Jonathan’s magic is still at work here, so there where there are some references to him and events in the episode, they are mainly there for continuity purposes though I have tried to limit them as he is not really the point. Though the episode established that people were starting to forget Jonathan’s reality after it had been dispelled I wanted to get into Tara and Willow’s feeling during that time since the injury and terror itself was very real.
Thanks To: This one is for Kerry (Forrister) who has been staunch in her support of this cycle when I have expressed doubts in these notes, go read her fic and ask her to write more. But I get in trouble if I don’t credit my significant other too so L, here you go…consider yourself thanked.
The Beginnings Cycle
Reality Check
By Katharyn Rosser
It’s my fault, Willow told herself, concerned in spite of the reassurances of the doctor.
Tara was lying there on the bed. Huddled and curled up just as the janitor said that he had found her in his closet. How long had she been there? Tara couldn’t say. She hadn’t said much at all since Willow had arrived. When she had got here some of Tara’s well-meaning dorm-mates had been with her, the campus doctor was just departing. The doctor had filled her in and then she had shooed those dorm-mates out of there.
They were not Tara’s friends – but it was nice to see that they were concerned for “the quiet girl.” That was what they called her, and with reason Willow supposed though it did annoy her to have Tara dismissed as just that. She was the “quiet girl’s friend.” Which she didn’t mind so much.
She couldn’t deny their naming.
How long had Tara been there? Hurt, alone and frightened?
It must have been for hours, the door wedged shut with cleaning signs, buckets and broom handles. Tara huddled in a corner under the janitors jacket. Protected by cleaning utensils against some thing that had hurt her and she had barely escaped from. The thing that Jonathan had assured them would not come out of the woods. The thing that was not a threat. After all Jonathan said so. Must be true. Except it hadn’t been true for Tara.
It was my fault.
Protected by cleaning stuff, Tara’s life resting on the strength of a broom handle? Where was Jonathan during all that?
Where was I? That was part of the deal… when you were in love. You protected the person you loved as best you could. When you could. And she could have. But she hadn’t. Not by a long shot.
Looking down at Tara, huddled there the scared woman was an almost pitiful sight. She was still shivering. She hadn’t stopped apparently since the janitor had dismantled the closet door to get in there and find out what the students had done to his stuff this time. Though the room was warm and Tara was fully clothed she was still shivering. She was still scared. Hearing the door being taken slowly off it’s hinges not knowing what was going on, how scary must that have been after sitting all night wondering if some thing was going to come back for her. If it had ever gone away. What would it be like to survive with a demon at the door? Willow wasn’t sure that she would have fared any better.
Even here with me now she is scared. Even after all we have been through she still gets scared. I guess we all do, Willow admitted. Probably because she had been alone. Before their problems had always been handled between them. Tara had never had to deal with any of Sunnydale’s terrors absolutely alone before. It was how they had really found each other afterall.
I should have been with her. Alone Tara had barely got away with her life. Her clothes reeked, and Willow guessed she had pulled off a clouding spell to try and escape. The sulphur stench was not a pleasant after effect to share a tiny closet with. But Tara had managed that, to use her skills in a moment of terror to escape and Willow was proud of for that – and for staying alive. To be with me. Together they might have held it off until someone could have got Jonathan to deal with that monster. Together they were so much stronger.
And why wasn’t I there?
Because I was afraid and not of what I should have been. Not of the monsters. I was afraid of people knowing about me, and this wonderful woman who I got hurt. I knew that Tara wanted me to find a way last night, a way for me to come back with her. Not because she was afraid. Just because she wanted me to be there. With her. But Buffy was there and I couldn’t take that step. I didn’t even have to say anything, or explain. I just had to go with her for whatever reason. Even as far as the others are concerned we are friends. We are Wicca’s who do spells together – at night sometimes. It could have been that. It didn’t have to be the truth or the whole truth. It wasn’t like Buffy couldn’t make it home ok without her. Next to Jonathan Buffy was the most capable of getting home alone person Willow had ever met.
But Tara didn’t. Get home ok.
And I even wanted to go with her. They had shared a look back then. Tara had looked at her and she had looked back. In that moment they had shared a desire to be together. But Tara had also seen that she couldn’t, not with Buffy there. She accepted it and I accepted it and our acceptance nearly got her killed.
I knew the monster was out there and I trusted Jonathan’s word so much that I didn’t even insist that we accompany her to the dorm, Willow thought. I mean ok, he’s Jonathan with all that meant for the safety and entertainment of the world, but this…this is Tara. And that was worth more than even Jonathan’s assurances. That meant that you made sure. She should have made sure.
This is the woman I love and no matter what you don’t take chances with that person. It hadn’t seemed like a chance at that moment, but in Sunnydale it always was. Always.
Willow gently tended to Tara’s few scrapes and bruises, first the sting of antiseptic that brought more tears to Tara’s eyes and then gentle cleaning of less serious wounds. She leaned in close and whispered to the woman she loved as she worked. The kind of gentle words that she would want to hear in this circumstance. The comforts, the assurances that it was all alright, that she would make it alright.
Not Buffy, not even Jonathan. She would make it alright with Tara at least, if not dealing with the monster. But with Tara… just me. She’s mine. Willow’s protective instincts were aroused – but far too late to be of any use to this woman who was already suffering the consequences.
And Tara didn’t respond in the slightest to her whispers.
Did Tara blame her? As much as Willow blamed herself for this? Was that why she was remaining silent, huddled facing away from her on the bed? Willow sat closer behind Tara on the edge of the bed, her hand touching Tara’s back and the other woman jumped. Literally – as if she hadn’t known that Willow was even there. She was so scared and right now, wherever Tara was mentally, she was still so alone. Willow left her hand in Tara’s back and gently stroking there as she whispered her comforts to Tara.
But why don’t I tell what I really feel? Would that not be a bigger comfort? Willow asked herself wanting to tell Tara now, to try and make it all better. No it wouldn’t Tara was physically and mentally bruised, this wasn’t the time for sneaking out declarations of love just to make her feel better… or to assuage my own guilt. There wouldn’t be any doubt about why Willow would say such a thing – it was a blatant truth after all - but to do that now... like this, it would cheapen something that was so precious. Almost as precious as Tara herself. Not quite, but almost.
The touch of her hand on Tara’s back provoked another, delayed, reaction, a low moan from the huddled young woman, and Willow realised that her back was hurt and gently started to take a look, asking Tara to assist her by moving to allow her to lift the clothing. And this time she did respond. And lifting that Tara’s back was exposed. Black and blue along some of the ridges formed by her spine. Had she fallen to the floor, had the monster hit her? Poor baby. Willow didn’t know but that at least explained why Tara was reluctant to lie on her back and Willow abandoned her plan to lie there, holding Tara, to help her feel safe. That would have been just great to hurt her again.
And in spite of the circumstances her mind betrayed her, again. Celebrated that as the reason for Tara not being able to look at her, to face her. Rather than it being my fault. At least in her mind. In my own heart… guilty as charged. She carefully replaced the clothing in anticipation of Buffy’s arrival and allowed Tara to maintain her furled up position.
And she hated herself for even thinking that. That it was nothing, apparently, more than that. It was a selfish thought but having been the cause of those bruises, that pain she didn’t want to be blamed by Tara for it… even if she deserve to be punished. Willow could figuratively flog herself, but she couldn’t bear Tara to do it.
Blame though had probably never occurred to Tara. The woman was non-judgemental to the point of virtuosity. Maybe because one way or another she had herself been judged far too much in her own life and she knew the problems such judgement caused. For both parties and fortunately for everyone Tara did not seem to be a person who would inflict on the world what the world inflicted on her.
But I deserve to be judged.
I deserve to be seen as the bad, bad person I am. Too often she had felt that she had been bad around Tara. To her. That had to change, and it already was. To be forced into an act of contrition. But she wasn’t going to get that demand from Tara. She knew that and it was part of what she loved about this beautiful woman. Again though, she could say that to herself that she loved Tara – but why couldn’t she say it to Tara? Or anyone else. It would have avoided all this pain. Just telling Buffy… dealing with that. She had been avoiding it and look where it got Tara. Consequences…
Willow stood and rounded the bed, kneeling this time in front of Tara and leaned in till their foreheads were touching, their breath’s intermingling. ‘I’m sorry.’ Willow whispered so gently that Tara might of missed it in the drawing of a breath. She didn’t though, her eyes flicked back from whatever blank point they had been fixated on staring straight through the space Willow now occupied and met Willow’s. And then she gave Willow a tiny smile, or tried to. But whether it succeeded or not it was enough for Willow.
It said everything that Willow needed it to. She understood in that twitch of Tara’s lips that Tara didn’t blame her as she blamed herself. She understood that Tara still loved her. She had known for some time that it was love. And she had known that the reciprocal was also true. But just couldn’t say it. Couldn’t make that final jump. Until now… now she was ready, but she couldn’t - not like this. She wouldn’t. Not so that Tara could hear her anyway. That would wait for another, better, time. A time that would be remembered as special – not for pain and anguish.
But the smile in the midst of the pain. Even then Tara was trying to comfort her, to make it easier for her. The smile that had been one of the first things she had noticed about Tara.
Oh…
Willow leaned in again and placed a tender kiss on Tara’s forehead, to which when she pulled back, Tara replied with tear filled eyes, this time nothing to do with the sting of antiseptic. ‘Rest now honey. It’s all right. I’ll take care of you. I always will’ Willow affirmed and Tara shuddered with relief as Willow stroked her cheek and leaned in to place the slighest of touches against her lips with her own. Then she started, jumping almost bodily from the bed as there was a knock at the door disrupting their quiet.
‘I always will,’ Willow repeated stroking her hair. Before whispering, for the first time out loud, as she went to the door ‘I love you Tara.’
The other woman couldn’t have heard her - so softly was it spoken. But that wasn’t the point.
And Tara knew.
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Edited - as you use antisecptic on cuts, not disinfectant!!
And edited again because Xita was right about the kiss.
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She's my always
Dic mihi paulum quod sentis!
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 02, 2001).]
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I am currently writing "The Flickering Flame" see the post above for what that includes - as I felt that it was too big a jump to go from the scooby meeting aftermath to Extra Flamey in one go. I now find myself wondering if I need to do an immediate prequel to the Extra Flamey "Burning Bright." If I did it would essentially be the scene in the van from Willow's PoV and a totally depressed Tara PoV. Any thoughts and opinions? As everyone knows exactly where this is going then it is not critical...
Course that will delay posting of Burning Bright which seems to be where people want to be... and always assumes I can find time to write another new fic from scratch
Katharyn
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She's my always
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Well done!
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
(A sure friend is discovered in an unsure situation).
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
IP: Logged
As for the extra part... I will give it a go, if it works then fine, if not we are still on track.
Best guess for next part is Tuesday night. Sorry Kittens but work is intruding...so unless I get a free bit of time...
Katharyn
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She's my always
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thanks so much k! michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 03, 2001).]
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posted September 02, 2001 12:40 this is really cool! very well written - can't wait for the next part!IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs I am currently writing "The Flickering Flame" see the post above for what that includes - as I felt that it was too big a jump to go from the scooby meeting aftermath to Extra Flamey in one go. I now find myself wondering if I need to do an immediate prequel to the Extra Flamey "Burning Bright." If I did it would essentially be the scene in the van from Willow's PoV and a totally depressed Tara PoV. Any thoughts and opinions? As everyone knows exactly where this is going then it is not critical...
Course that will delay posting of Burning Bright which seems to be where people want to be... and always assumes I can find time to write another new fic from scratch
Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted September 02, 2001 14:45 A question for the readers.I am currently writing "The Flickering Flame" see the post above for what that includes - as I felt that it was too big a jump to go from the scooby meeting aftermath to Extra Flamey in one go. I now find myself wondering if I need to do an immediate prequel to the Extra Flamey "Burning Bright." If I did it would essentially be the scene in the van from Willow's PoV and a totally depressed Tara PoV. Any thoughts and opinions? As everyone knows exactly where this is going then it is not critical...
Course that will delay posting of Burning Bright which seems to be where people want to be... and always assumes I can find time to write another new fic from scratch
Katharyn
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She's my always
Well done!
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
(A sure friend is discovered in an unsure situation).
IP: Logged
posted September 02, 2001 14:56 Ah! I often wondered who managed to find Tara in that closet, and how they managed to pry her out of it. I think that this part has captured Willow's feelings really well. Love, regret, anger, guilt, love (that one deserves mentioning twice!) they're all there wrapped up neatly in Willow-speak.Well done!
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
(A sure friend is discovered in an unsure situation).
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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posted September 02, 2001 17:14 Really loving the fic Katharyn ... and if you feel another part will help the transition to Burning Bright ... go for it! I will read all parts eagerly!! Just keep posting (I am cracking a whip -- hee hee!!!)------------------
"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
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posted September 02, 2001 18:08 Katherine.. nice and sweet, though Willow should have kissed Tara's lips then, she really should have.IF you feel like you need to do a chapter just before the extra flamey one. Then you do it. It's your fic and we can wait
IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs As for the extra part... I will give it a go, if it works then fine, if not we are still on track.
Best guess for next part is Tuesday night. Sorry Kittens but work is intruding...so unless I get a free bit of time...
Katharyn
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She's my always
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posted September 02, 2001 18:18 You know Xita you are so right...edited accordingly...not worth reading it all again but it is there now! How could I miss that...?As for the extra part... I will give it a go, if it works then fine, if not we are still on track.
Best guess for next part is Tuesday night. Sorry Kittens but work is intruding...so unless I get a free bit of time...
Katharyn
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She's my always
thanks so much k! michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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posted September 02, 2001 19:35 wow you know, i am loving this story and the more parts in between this and the smoochie pay off the better! aniticipation is so wonderful.thanks so much k! michele
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As far as I can tell, they don't even bother to take their clothes off -- it's just two women sitting around Utopia, being gay.
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posted September 02, 2001 20:24 I love the suspense. It's going to be so great when they get around to the smoochies.IP: LoggedKatharynSassy Eggs Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 03, 2001).]
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posted September 03, 2001 13:09 A *ahem* touch more than smoochies Nika... and with that back to the writing.Katharyn
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She's my always
[This message has been edited by Katharyn (edited September 03, 2001).]
by WiccanBex » Sun Sep 02, 2001 9:40 am
by Katharyn » Sun Sep 02, 2001 11:45 am
I am currently writing "The Flickering Flame" see the post above for what that includes - as I felt that it was too big a jump to go from the scooby meeting aftermath to Extra Flamey in one go. I now find myself wondering if I need to do an immediate prequel to the Extra Flamey "Burning Bright." If I did it would essentially be the scene in the van from Willow's PoV and a totally depressed Tara PoV. Any thoughts and opinions? As everyone knows exactly where this is going then it is not critical...
Course that will delay posting of Burning Bright which seems to be where people want to be... and always assumes I can find time to write another new fic from scratch
Katharyn
------------------
She's my always
by Forrister » Sun Sep 02, 2001 11:56 am
Well done!
Amicus certus in re incerta cernitur.
(A sure friend is discovered in an unsure situation).
by catliz16 » Sun Sep 02, 2001 2:14 pm
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"After one take," remembers Hannigan," Joss did say, 'Can we have one that's less like you're going to sleep together in about five minutes?'"
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