Willowhand
Posts: 389
Registered: Sep 2000 posted May 01, 2001 12:47
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this is no where near done, but i figured we all could use a little bit of laughing during these stressful-nonwildfeed times. well, you'll laugh if you find this fic funny at all.
~season 5 -
~no spoliers, teeny references to family and triangle.
~cupids and all that... i know the names are off but i'll research that asap. if you know their names then please let me know!
~there are lots of mistakes, i'm sure, so feedback and comments much appreciated. either email me or post it for the whole world to see i guess.
REMEMBER! This is NOT a final draft! hope you enjoy!
*********************************************
For the last five minutes, Tara had been quietly watching Miss Kitty play on the floor with one of her velvet scrunchies. The blonde smiled every time the young feline would attack the inanimate object, sit up on her hind legs, and raise the scrunchy heavenwards with her two front paws. Every single time the scrunchy would fall on the floor, Miss Kitty would simply jump on it again and repeat the whole process.
Tara thought back to how, once in a while, Miss Kitty would simply sit up on her hind legs, like a prairie dog, and scan around her. Sometimes she’d be trying to glance out the window but more often than not she’d sneak a peak at the two witches when they were in bed, together. Tara knew Amy was a human trapped inside the rat form (which is why the black blanket cover came handy) but she never stopped wondering if Miss Kitty was a guy deep down inside. Kinda like that silly cat on Sabrina.
As she giggled at Miss Kitty’s bundles she couldn’t help but realize that Willow was late. She glanced over to the wall clock and it confirmed her sentiment. Willow was 25 minutes tardy. Willow was never late, and if she was, she always called. They had made plans. It wasn’t like Willow to simply be late. Tara thought about calling Buffy but she didn’t want to rub it in her face that they were going on a double date with Xander and Anya and that Buffy didn’t have a significant other at the moment. Tara sighed loudly. Who the hell came up with that brilliant idea? A double date with Mr. and Mrs. Orgasms. What would they even talk about? Anya never spoke of anything except sex and all Xander did was try to get her to quiet up.
Tara sometimes wished she could be more open with others about such things, especially with Willow. But, being who she was, she could never finish processing a thought about sex without blushing heavily and pretending to be a speck on the wall. Even when it was just her and Willow in their most secret and intimate moments. But Willow was a different story. She had enough interesting thoughts for both of them. Not only was vampy Willow kinda gay but it was alluded she enjoyed kinky sex as well. Something in common Tara was beginning to learn about her sweet, innocent looking girlfriend. They’d never actually done anything that would be considered kinky but sometimes Willow would get this twinkle in her eye and Tara would blush all over just imagining what it was that she was thinking.
But right now Tara was getting hot and bothered just contemplating about Willow and sighed again. She looked at the clock and it was official: thirty minutes late. She thought of some quirky way to chastise her when she arrived but she began to laugh out loud at the absurd, non kinky mental picture she dreamt up of. At that moment Willow came running through the door.
“Willow!” the blonde exhaled.
Without even a hello the redhead jumped on her girlfriend and began to kiss her. Kissed her she did, everywhere but the mouth.
“Umm… Lips, please.” Tara pleaded.
Willow pop kissed her ruby lips. “Let’s go!” she demanded as she got up and began to walk towards the door.
Tara reached out and grabbed her arm holding Willow back.
Willow turned around and frowned. “What? They’re waiting. We’re already late.”
Tara didn’t say a word. She simply let Willow go and leaned over to grab her boots. She couldn’t believe Willow hadn’t even given her an excuse for being late. And she didn’t even want to get into what that teeny pop kiss on the lips was all about.
As she put on her shoes Tara felt a soft hand run across her back and slip under her shirt. She closed her eyes in ecstasy. Willow’s touch always had that effect on her but she was a bit torn between the Willow who was now touching her lower back so lovingly and the Willow that jumped her bones a few minutes earlier. And just as suddenly as the hand had caressed her, it was retracted.
Miss Kitty quickly ran and attacked Tara’s shoelaces as she blonde witch tied her boots. Tara remembered they needed to declaw Miss Kitty soon or she’s destroy all of the dorm room furniture. She recalled a special lace blanket that was shredded by the little kitten already.
She slowly stood up and turned over to where Willow was. The redhead was simply standing there with her arms folded over her chest. If Tara didn’t know any better she would have said Willow looked cross. Or bored. Tara couldn’t believe it. She looked both cross and bored.
“What’s wrong?” she asked her girlfriend.
“Nothing. We’re late and you’d rather take your time playing with the cat and stuff.”
Tara was shocked. “Playing with the cat?! I was tying my shoes!” It wasn’t for another week that Willow would start PMS-ing. And even if it was PMS, Willow was a great period trouper. She’d never acted like this before. Plus, it was she that was late to begin with.
Tara didn’t feel like arguing, as always. “Let’s just go,” she sighed as she walked by the redhead. ‘What a fine start to what is certainly to be a disastrous double date’ she thought to herself.
***************************************
9:31 pm
“So, Tara, you’re the femme right?” Anya asked between sips of her water.
Xander wasn’t the only one to shout, “ANYA!” Willow helped with the chorus.
Anya nodded. “Right, I keep forgetting it’s ‘bottom’.”
Xander gasped. “ANYA!”
Willow folded her arms. “What are you insinuating?!”
“Me? Nothing… Well, you hair did keep getting shorter.”
A young man walked over to their table. “Umm, hi.” His eyes truthfully gazed only at Tara.
The blonde didn’t know what to say, “Hi?”
Everyone at the table now stared at him.
“I know this is weird to ask since you are hanging out with your friends and all but - would you like to go on a date? With me?”
Willow was stunned. “Excuse me?”
Tara was bewildered by the invitation. “Umm…” She had no sentences formulating in her brain.
“Beat it buster.” Xander spoke up. “She doesn’t… Oh my god, you are a vampire!” Xander quickly stood up and held him by the collar of his shirt.
The vampire didn’t seem fazed at all. “No man, chill. I’m not like that. I’m not going to hurt anybody. I’m a good guy.”
Willow turned over to Tara where they began their own conversation. “Tara?”
But she was still in a daze and was staring at her water. “What?”
Anya was talking to the vampire. “Really? How can we be sure you’re a good guy?”
“Angel.” The undead said. “I know Angel.”
“So?” Anya chortled, “He goes crazy once in a while.”
The vamp shook his head. “I’m not cursed! I swear! Look. I’m not even using my strength against him.”
“You’re not?” Xander asked using all his strength to keep the vamp at bay.
Willow didn’t know what to say to Tara. “Do you know him?”
Tara looked at her. “No! He’s a vampire. I’ve never seen him before in my life.”
The vampire heard this and talked to Tara over Xander’s shoulder. “Yes, you have. Two years ago. We were freshmen then.”
Willow looked over to the vampire. “What?”
“Do you mind?” The vampire asked Xander.
Xander let him go. “Sorry man. Just, you know. Sunnydale and all.” Still, he remained on high alert.
“May I sit?” The vampire asked reaching over for a chair from another table.
Anya was amused. “Sure.”
“No!” Willow shouted.
But the vampire didn’t move. He stared at Tara and waited for her answer. She simply shrugged her shoulders and looked back down to the tablecloth. “Thank you.” He said as he took his seat.
Willow nudged Tara and whispered, “Tara!” Tara gave her a ‘what?!’ look and Willow exhaled loudly, folding her arms again.
Needless to say the vamp felt a little odd. “Look. I don’t want to cause any trouble here.”
“Then why are you here?” Anya quickly asked.
Xander added, “Well, besides asking Tara out. Which by the way is a big fat no way.”
“Why don’t you let the lady answer for herself?” The vamp retorted.
Willow couldn’t believe what was going on. “Lady? Who do you think you are-Bogie? Tara’s a woman and she’s- taken.”
Tara got a good look at the vamp and finally said something. “Leo?” she asked a bit confused.
Leo smiled. “Right! You remembered.”
“You do know him!” Willow voiced completely shocked.
Tara nodded. “Sort of. Didn’t you- You dropped out.”
Leo shook his head. “Not really. Sunday turned me and I ran around with her for a while but I got tired of it. I never liked the killing part so I have an account with the butcher on Main. Come to think of it, I don’t really like the blood part either.”
“And you expect us to believe this?” Xander said.
“You sound like you’re still human. Like you still have a soul or something.” Anya stated. “I remember that fight. I let go pretty easily.”
“I still haven’t.” the young vampire replied.
“What?” Xander was confused.
“Well, your soul is stripped away when you turn into a demon but you still have remnants of human awareness in your body. But once your body fully dies everything humane dies with it. For vampires it takes a little longer for their awareness to die because it takes longer for their body to fully die since they drink blood and continue the whole half living thing.” Anya smiled at her answer even though it was a bit confusing to her boyfriend.
“But don’t they rise overnight?” Xander asked.
“If they let go their soul is taken overnight. But their body continues to function like a human being because of the blood they drink. If they stopped drinking blood entirely then they’d really be undead and fully vampiric. Little details they don’t teach you at Giles’ school of slayerism.”
“So there are different levels of vampires?”
“Yes.” Leo replied. “Some remain human-like. That’s why some vampires can fall in love…” His eyes darted away from Tara. “But, um, there are a couple of us that don’t kill at all.”
“Cause they have chips in their heads.” Willow said dryly thinking of some sort of spell she could use to get this vampires eyes off Tara.
“Yeah, like Spike. But, I don’t need the chip to stop me. The kill isn’t necessary.” Leo added.
“You were in my intro class.” Tara said out of the blue when she pieced together where she knew Leo from.
Leo’s smile lit up his whole face. “Yup. You wore glasses then.”
“Stop smiling at her!” Willow shouted.
Anya rubbed her hands together. “I feel jealousy. Good for vengeance. I wonder if I can do vengeance on ex-girlfriends.”
Xander turned to his girlfriend. “Anya!”
She shrugged it off. “Hypothetically. If I had my powers.”
“Ok, certainly odd vibes are being thrown here. I’m going to go.” He stood up. “But , please think about it.” He said to Tara.
Willow stood up, ready to confront the vampire. “Look, buddy-“
Tara grabbed Willow’s hand and forcefully sat her back down. “I- Leo, thank you for the invitation but…” Willow was staring at Tara with her mouth open. “I cant. I’m dating someone. S-she holds my heart- and I am hopelessly in love with her. So… Sorry.”
Now Xander’s mouth was open as he stared at Tara, slowly absorbing what it was that she had said about Willow. Anya reached for his hand under the table and lovingly squeezed it.
“I guess understand.” Leo looked at all in the table as he parted. “You’re a lucky girl.” He told Willow. “Bye.” He nodded to Tara. “See you around.”
No one said a word as they watched the vampire named Leo leave.
Well, except for Anya of course. “Tara has an admirer.” The ex-demon chuckled. “A boy vamp to boot. Could Sunnydale get wierder?”
*********************************
A young man watched the two couples chatting from afar. That Leo sure was an interestingly touchy addition to the mix. He mentally reminded himself that he needed to talk to Himeros about that. Eros quickly gulped when he remembered what happened the last time Himeros, the god of desire, had tried to spice up a relationship involving Willow Rosenberg. Veruca was meant to have brought out certain emotions in the young redhead that she had never experienced before, something he had thought was necessary in her amorous evolution. No one expected what happened to have happened, and even though he had nothing to do with it Eros was the most upset by it.
He had experienced the redhead witch before. She was Willow Rosenberg: nerdy, geek girl with a heart the size of the still expanding Universe. He remembered her unrequited love for Alexander Harris who was currently sitting across from her with his current girlfriend, the former demon Anyanka. Eros had had no control over that heart wrenching crush, and since it had been Willow’s free will that had made her fall in love with Xander in the first place. Eros wasn’t able interfere with free will, but his younger brother, Anteros, made sure to punish the young boy for not returning her love. He was the one that had set up Xander with Cordelia Chase.
Eros thought about free will again and his thoughts led him to Oz. He had to admit he did interfere with the redhead’s free will when he sent Daniel Osborne after her. He wanted to see Willow happy and he knew the werewolf, of all beings, would love her completely. But when Oz left her, something none of the Cupids had authored, the young man never thought he would be able to find Willow Rosenberg another match.
Eros looked over to the couples again and took pride in knowing that two of his matches were still happily together, no matter how unconventional both relationships were. Even though he deliberated on having Anya fall in love with Xander Harris, Eros knew she was a good woman for him. That is why she came back for him. He’d hesitated a bit on the second couple knowing that since the day their eyes met that they were meant for each other. He knew Tara Maclay’s soul was destined to be with Willow and that Willow was now ready for that truth. It’s just he’d been fond of Oz as he knew Willow had been.
Eros didn’t understand why he could never keep a certain Buffy Summers matched with anyone. “Angel was perfect for her,” he thought as the waitress brought another glass of beer to him, “It’s not my frickin’ fault that he was cursed.” He didn’t want to start processing Riley. “I didn’t pick him. No siree, not me. There goes that damn free will again!”
It was so rare that mortals ever lasted too long in relationships they picked themselves. He knew most of the time humans wrote out their own love stories and it wasn’t like he could overlook all six billion of them. He couldn’t do much except sit back and watch it implode or explode. He could only hope that he’d be around when the soul mate crossed paths and he matched them. Otherwise they needed to wait until the next time they ran into each other, even if it was in another life.
He took another sip from his beer and spoke, “Damn, I’m bloody drunk!”
He realized he’d said it out loud and blushed, hoping no one would pay any attention to him. He glanced around the room and realized nobody was. He felt a bit sad about that fact at the same time. He remembered when people would make sacrifices to him and his brothers, now no one even took Valentine’s Day seriously.
“Oh, tomorrow will be such a boring day. Why is Valentines Day so boring?!” he thought.
“Is it?” another young man wordlessly spoke to him as he sat down across from the lad.
“Phobus, my beautiful brother! What brings you here to Sunnydale?” he spoke without words.
“Just passing through. You?”
“I’m not sure. Woke up here this morning. Would you like a beer? Some wine perhaps?”
“No, thank you.” Phobus leaned into the table as he whispered. “So you think Valentines Day is boring, huh? Wanna play?”
Eros sat up. “What are you thinking?”
“I’m thinking we can make Valentines Day a little less boring.”
Eros smiled his gorgeous smile. “Do tell.”
Instantly the two brothers were in one of Sunnydale cemeteries.
“I’ll pick the couple.”
“It’d be much funner if we did the whole town don’t you think?”
“Oh you are quite a crazy one. You know how chaotic that would be?”
“Well, dad does enjoy chaos.”
“In a war kinda way. Ok, I’m in! Let’s do it.”
Phobus smiled. “Done!”
“I’m going to sleep for a bit now ok? Wake me up at midnight! I do not want to miss a beat this Valentine’s Day!” With that Eros passed out in front of a tombstone and quickly began to snore.
“Aw, man!” Phobus picked up his younger brother and carried him to a more private location.
*********************************
10:30 pm
“Hippity Bipitee Bop.”
“Giles! Stop singing! It’s creepy.” The slayer made a face after addressing her former watcher.
“Loosen up, Buffy. You are such a drag.” Her little sister commented.
“Drag is what men who dress up as women and sing Judy Garland tunes do.” She quickly looked over to Giles. “Please tell me you don’t know any Judy Garland songs… Please.”
“Erm, no.” Giles replied. “But I do know ‘The Wizard of Oz’ by heart.”
“Oh god.” The Slayer rolled her eyes.
Joyce Summers walked into the family room with a bowl of freshly popped popcorn. “Popcorn!” she announced.
“Yes!” Dawn shouted as she reached over for the bowl and quickly scarfed some down.
“Piglet.” Buffy told her as she herself reached for a handful of popcorn.
“Thank you very much, Joyce.” Giles said as she sat down next to him on the couch.
“Oh, anytime.” She smiled at him coyly.
Buffy and Dawn looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.
**********************************************
11:00 pm
“I can’t believe you let him sit down with us.” Willow said for the fourth time in five minutes during their walk home.
Tara finally responded, “Willow… I knew him.”
“Really?! How well did you know him?”
“What are you saying?”
Willow sighed. “Nothing.... I can’t believe he asked you out.”
The shy witch crossed her arms over her chest. “W-why? You don’t think boys like me?”
Willow turned to her lover. “Tara, what?! Of course I think boys like you, and women like you too. And that’s what scares me.”
“I don’t like boys. I mean, I like Xander- “ she saw Willow’s eyes open wide, “Not like you. I mean, not like that.”
“What did that mean? Not like me.”
“The bond you two have. It’s hard sometimes, you know? ‘Cause you’re so close.”
Willow touched her cheek. “Tara… You’re the one that I want.” Willow suddenly giggled and began to sing. “Ooh, ooh, ooh honey.” Tara was also laughing at Willow’s sudden Grease moment. “Sorry… But, I don’t want to lose you. And I’m so afraid of that.”
“Oh, Willow…” she kissed her girlfriend. “You aren’t going to lose me. Ever.”
Willow smiled as she took her hand and placed a sweet kiss on the palm of it. “So… What you told him… It was true? That you’re hopelessly in love with me?”
“Totally.” She smiled.
Willow’s body warmed. “And that heart part… Is that true too?”
“Yes.”
“Tara…” Willow didn’t know what else to say.
Tara broke the silence. “What, umm- Why…”
“Huh?” Willow didn’t understand.
“Earlier tonight…”
“Oh, I feel horrible about that. I’m sorry. I was s big jerk with the capital J.”
Tara looked over to her. Her eyes were ready to tear. “What happened?”
Willow’s composure was crumbling. “Oh, honey… I was being stupid… I don’t know. I’m so retarded sometimes.”
“No, you aren’t. Just… If something is wrong then I’d like for you to be able to tell me. That’s all.”
Willow quickly wiped the tears of her girlfriend and kissed her cheeks. “Of course I would tell you. But it’s not you, it’s me. I…”
“What?”
“I-I tired to incantate a spell but it didn’t work.”
“What did you try to do?”
“It doesn’t matter. It was from one of your books and I was just pissed off that I wasn’t able to do it. I know you’d be able to do it easily. And that made me a little mad. Ok, a lot mad.”
“What? We’re not competing in this, Will. You know that.”
“I know but it’s just…”
“Do you see me get mad or frustrated when ever you take simple spells to the next level? Levels I would never think of? Even when you aren’t ready for them? No, I don’t because… I don’t know why I don’t, I just don’t.”
“Not ready for them? What do you mean?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, you’re right. I do. But it’s not my fault!”
“Yes it is. You need to be careful, Willow. I don’t want you to get hurt in any way. Look at what happened with the troll.”
“You were there! I mean, you weren’t there- there when he came out of the crystal all, but you were there cheering me on about the whole ball of sunshine thingy. And it was all Anya’s fault. She pissed me off.”
“You are a witch. Your emotions shouldn’t interfere.”
“Easy for you to say.”
“What?! What does that mean?” Willow had only heard Tara use that tone once.
“Nothing.”
“No, tell me. What are you saying?”
“It’s easy for you to hide your emotions. That’s all. I’m not like that.”
“Really?! What kind of emotions are we talking about here cause I think I’ve been very up front with you about all my emotions.”
“You have not. You didn’t tell me about your family and what they were doing to you. You don’t always tell me how you feel, Tara. When you thought you would lose me to Oz what did you do? You waited for me to come to you. You didn’t come for me.”
“I so came for you! I just didn’t expect to find him in your room. So sorry if I stayed away after that.”
“No… Tara, why are we fighting?” Willow reached out for her girlfriends hand.
Tara shook her head as she stared at the pavement. “Look, just cause I’m quiet doesn’t mean I hide my emotions.”
Willow placed her arm around her waist. “I know. I’m sorry. Everything I’ve said and done tonight has come out all wrong. Let’s just go home. This has been such a bizarre evening.”
*******************************************************
NEXT DAY, 10:37 am
“Willow? Why are we simply lying here and not having sex?” Tara asked.
The redhead shrugged. “I want to hold you in my arms.”
“Yeah, I know, but I’d like to have sex now.”
“Now?! We just did it three times, Tara.”
“I know. But I’d like some more.”
Willow looked over to her girlfriend. “We have a Scooby meeting.”
“Scooby, schmoobies. I want your boobies.” She laughed silly at her own joke.
With that, and a huge smile, Willow’s lips returned to her lover’s body.
*********************************************
11:47 am
Buffy checked her watch again. “What is taking Willow and Tara so long? They are never late to a meeting.”
“Yeah, it is pretty odd.” Xander said from the couch. Anya was sitting quietly next to him.
“Are you sure you told them it was at 11:30?” Giles asked from the chair as he sipped his tea.
“Yes, I told them. And Willow is supposed to bring some book for us to discuss a spell we may be able to use on Glory.”
As if on cue the two witches opened Buffy’s front door and came rushing in. Both were out of breath and quite stressed.
Buffy stood up quickly. “Are you two ok?”
“Are we late?” the redhead asked. “We’re late. I’m sorry we’re late.”
“We were busy having sex.” The usually shy blonde blurted out quite happily.
Everyone including Willow was shocked by the revelation.
Giles cleared his throat while trying to maintain a straight face. “B-book. Weren’t you supposed to bring a book?”
“Oh, we forgot it. Sorry.” Willow spoke as she mentally searched for a spell to stop her cheeks from blushing. She quickly sat by Xander.
“Yes, we left it by the glorious bed.” Tara said nonchalantly as she sat down on the other empty chair. Her eyes connected with Anya’s for a second and the ex-demon quickly lowered her gaze. Tara simply shrugged her shoulders.
Buffy was still in shock. “It’s… Ok. Forget the book.”
Tara stood up. ‘Then the meeting’s over, right? We can leave?”
“Umm-“ was all Buffy could think of saying.
“No, actually… We need to discuss a few things.” Giles continued.
“Oh phooey.” Tara sat back down and sulked.
“Uh…” Buffy still couldn’t say anything.
Xander spoke. “What is going on with Glory? Anyone have any ideas? Comments? Something?”
“She can sure whoop Buffy’s ass.” Willow’s girlfriend stated.
“Tara!” Willow glanced at her.
“What?” she asked quite innocently.
“Yes, Tara, thank you for that vote of confidence.” Buffy looked at her in disbelief. ‘What is wrong with her’ she wondered.
“T-Tara, quiet time.” Willow timidly suggested.
The blonde witch rolled her eyes and said, “Fine. Whatever. Just let me know when you’d like to go. We still have a couple positions left from the Kama Sutra book I’m looking forward to.”
Xander choked on a bagel and the rest of the gang stared at her with their mouths open.
*********************************************
As soon as Buffy closed the door behind Willow she turned to Giles. “Ok Giles can you please tell me what the hell is happening here? Tara’s, like, taken over Anya’s personality or something. And Anya is all quiet now and… Did you notice how Xander and Anya weren’t even holding hands? They were sitting inches apart. No sickly lovey dovey stuff. They weren’t being themselves.”
“Obviously neither was Tara.”
“What happened? I know it’s Valentine’s Day and all but I don’t want to hear about her and Willow orgasms.” She saw the Watcher blush. “It’s not cause they are lesbians or anything. I mean, really, I’m like them in the receiving pleasure department and all. It’s not that different and- sorry. I just don’t want to heat about any orgasms. Well, unless they were my orgasms but… Oh. Sorry…”
Giles was nervously cleaning his glasses. “It’s quite strange indeed.”
“What is going on?”
“I don’t know.”
“And that Leo vamp that hit on Tara. That was strange.”
“Why? Simply because a young man hit on her? She’s beautiful.” Giles realized what he said. “I mean… I can see why. That’s all.”
“Oh, Rupert.” Joyce said as she entered the family room with the house mail. “It’s so nice to see you again.”
“Yeah since it’s been less than 24 hours since the last time you saw him, mom.”
“Hello, Joyce. Let me help you there.” Giles walked over to Buffy’s mother and extended his hand.
Joyce smiled sweetly. “It’s only a couple of letters. Thank you. However, I have a box from the gallery in the trunk. Could you please fetch that for me?”
“Certainly.” He said like a love struck schoolboy.
“What is going on?!” Buffy shouted as she ran up to her room.
**********************************************
“Knock, knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Me.”
“Me who?”
“Me.”
“Me who?”
“Just open up, Willow.”
“No.”
“What?! Why not?”
“There’s a quota and it’s been filled.”
Tara laughed. “Impossible.”
“Please come back tomorrow.” The redhead giggled.
“Oh, come one, Willow. Please…”
“No.”
Tara sighed and slid up her lover’s body carefully kissing certain erogenous zones. “I’ve never hear of a quota.” She finally said as she rested on top of her.
“It’s imposed in times of affliction.” She replied as she kissed Tara’s nose.
“Affliction?! What affliction?”
“Too much energy spent affliction.”
“Energy? What is energy if not to be used up?”
“See, that is the exact argument those anti environmental blockheads that want to drill on national forest land have. I say save it! Save the trees and the earthly possessions! Save the world for future generations.”
“What are you talking about, Willow?”
The petite witch sighed. “I hardly have enough energy to put my arms around you, sweetie. I don’t like it. I want to squeeze you tight but I cant. I want to pleasure you as much as you pleasure me but I don’t have the strength to even move.”
Tara quickly slid off her. “Oh baby, I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I didn’t mean to-“
“Come back! Come back!” Willow childishly screamed at her. “Get on me! Hold me again.”
Tara smiled radiantly but this time laid down sideways on her bed, her right arm and leg draped over her lover. Her cheek rested comfortably on Willow’s chest. “I love you, Willow,” she said as she gently traced her breasts.
“I love you too.”
*********************************************
“What is going on downstairs?” Dawn asked as she entered Buffy’s room without knocking. “Giles and mom are all giggling and gross and it’s really, really weird.”
Buffy didn’t bother to look up at her sister. “Go away.”
“No. You’re the Slayer. You deal with weird things. Go deal.”
Buffy wiped her tears as she sat up. “I don’t know what is going on. Everyone is having sex but me.”
Dawn’s mouth dropped. “Is that what they are doing?! GROSS! Make then stop, Buffy!”
“Xander and Anya have orgasms. Willow and Tara are apparently having lots and lots of orgasms. Now my mother and father are having orgasms.”
“Wait! What?!”
“Watcher. I meant watcher.” Buffy began to cry again. “I don’t understand what is going on.” She fell back onto her bed and sniffled and snorted on her pillow.
“Eww. Buffy! Use a Kleenex!”
***********************************
“What are you doing?”
“I’m thinking if I place this fixture here the room will get more light.” Xander said as he carefully moved the beam a little to the left.
“Oh, that is much better.” Anya smiled peacefully at her boyfriend.
He looked down to her from the ladder. “Thanks,” he smiled back at her.
They lovingly looked at each other and then went on about their business.
***********************************
8:32 pm
“And so I told him to- Buffy?” Anya’s eyes had wandered.
The Slayer quickly wiped her tears away. “Xander?! Anya… What are you two doing out?”
Xander walked up to her and reached his hand our to embrace her. “Are you ok? What are you doing?”
Buffy didn’t expect such tenderness from him. “Patrolling.”
“Right.” He nodded.
“What is going on?” she asked.
“We’re talking a walk.”
“It’s Valentine’s Day, and it’s a full moon. Isn’t it just beautiful?” Anya added as her gaze lifted upwards.
“No. I mean, the moon is gorgeous and all that but what’s wrong with you two? You never go for walks. Why aren’t you two at home having lots of orgasms?”
“Buffy!” Xander shouted at her as Anya’s eyes fell to the pavement.
Buffy would have sworn she was blushing. “What is going on? Why are you two acting like Willow and Tara?”
“What does Willow have to do with this?”
“I don’t know but if she does I’m going to get really… pissed.”
“Drinking won’t solve your problems, Buffy.” Anya quickly voiced.
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Mad, Anya. I’m going to get mad.” She began to walk off. “You would think with Tara by her side she wouldn’t be messing up spells anymore…”
Xander turned to his girlfriend, a glimmer in his eyes. “So… You wanna go do spells and stuff?”
***********************************************
“Willow!” Buffy was knocking on her best friends dorm room. “Willow!”
“Coming!” she heard from inside. Then, Buffy heard a big thump. Someone had fallen on the ground whilst someone else was giggling it off. She kept on knocking.
“Christ in crutches, woman! What is your problem?” was the first thing she heard when the door was opened. Shockingly, Tara had been the one to say that.
“Hon, don’t use their powers name in vain. It’s not polite.” Willow said as she walked up pulling on her drawstring pants. “Ow…” she childishly frowned at Buffy. “I hurt my elbow.”
Buffy walked in.
“Sure. Come on in. Her casa, tu casa.” Tara said sarcastically, closing the door.
Buffy spun around. “I want no more lip from you, Tara, or I will…” She stared at Willow’s girlfriends determined face. “Oh, just you try it.”
Tara rolled her eyes and sat down on the rumpled bed.
Buffy looked around the once pristine room. “Ugh, I don’t even want to know why your bed sheet is rolled up like that.”
Willow finally settled her clothes on her body. “What’s wrong, Buffy? Monsters?”
“That shirt is not only backwards, it’s inside out.” She commented.
“What?” Willow looked down to her shirt. “Oh… Sorry.”
“Well, she’s not supposed to be wearing it anyhow.” Tara said as she reclined on her wrists.
“What is up with you?!” Buffy shouted at her.
“Hey!” Willow shouted back.
“Cant you see it?! She’s possessed by Anya!”
Willow couldn’t believe it. “What?!”
“Oh, please” the blonde witch said.
Buffy began to look all over the room for majick accessories. “We need some sort of exorcism here, Willow. This is driving me insane.” She picked up an odd looking piece of machinery. “Oh god. Please let this be some sort of messed up blender.”
“It’s a vibrator,” Tara simply said. Buffy’s eyes widened. “For massages. Willow’s lower back? She’s got back problems…” Tara reminded Buffy of that fact.
The Slayer exhaled. “Right. Good.”
“Wait?” The redhead asked as soon as she had finished properly re-arranging her clothes. “What are you talking about?”
Buffy pointed at Tara. “She and Anya have switched bodies!”
“What?!” Willow cried.
Tara did the same.
“Yes, you two! Ever since this morning you two have been all weird. Anya is the one now with the shy looks and quiet moments while you’ve turned into this- this impossible person. Oh my god, no! Xander!”
“What about Xander? Is he ok?” The redhead asked quite concerned.
“No. I mean- yes. But he’s… He must be acting like you. He hugged me in front of Anya! Oh god.”
“What?! That is impossible, Buffy. If that were so I’d be acting like Xander and I don’t act like Xander at all.”
“Well you have been a little strange, Willow.” Her girlfriend finally joined in this part of the conversation.
“What do you mean? How?”
“You never liked carrot, banana and peanut butter sandwiches before.”
Buffy repressed her urge to barf.
“That doesn’t mean anything, Tara. I could just have had some odd craving today.”
“And mom and Giles… What the hell is going on, Willow?”
“What?! Why me?”
“Cause you did that spell once remember?’
“Oh, please, I’m much better at my spells now. I can’t believe you would think such a thing. That’s for your support, Buffy.”
“Well what else can it be? This has Willow hibby jibby vibes all over it.”
“Getting’ jiggy with it. La, la, la,-” Tara sang and began to laugh. “Sorry.” She quickly mouthed when she realized both were staring at her.
Willow sat on the bed and folded her arms. “I love the way you are treating me right now. Maybe I am Xander.”
“What? What are you talking about?” the Slayer asked. “I’m not treating you like anyone. I’m treating you how this situation deserves to be treated.”
“No, you are treating me very much like Xander.”
“How so?”
Tara suddenly stood up and pointed her finger at Willow. “It is you!”
Buffy saw Willow’s mouth open. “What?”
“You did that spell last night.”
“I did no such thing.” The redhead defended herself.
“Yes, you did. That one spell you talked to me about that you tried to do but it didn’t work. What did you try to do?” Tara asked quite curious.
“Oh.” Was all she said. Buffy rolled her eyes at Willow. “Oh, come on. It didn’t work. That’s why I was so poopy about it.”
Buffy sighed, “Will, what did you try to do?”
“Umm… it had nothing to do with changing personalities or anything.”
“What did you do?” both Buffy and Tara asked at the same time.
Defeated, Willow began to explain. “I don’t know what I did. I was reading out loud and I reached over for the Tungis Tail to add it to the mix but when I continued on with the incantation I realized I was reading another spell. There were two different spells on the same page. I got confused which one was which.”
“What were you reading?” the slayer asked.
“I don’t know. It was in Aramaic.”
Tara’s eye widened. “From my Book of Shadow’s? Willow, that’s private! How could you!”
“Tara, I’m sorry.” The redhead tried to reach out for her girlfriend who simply shook her head.
“How could you do a spell you don’t understand, Willow?!” Buffy asked.
“Well, the description was in English.”
“Willow!” the blonde witch stood up. “I- That is my book. Mine! For me only. I don’t mind sharing everything else with you, orgasms especially, but my book…” She quickly put on her sweater and began to walk away.
“Tara, don’t. Where are you going?”
“Out.” Tara replied as she slammed the door behind her.
Willow quickly spun around to a shocked Buffy. “See what you did!?”
“Me?!” The Slayer asked as she sat down on Willow’s bed.
****************************
Tara had circled the campus twice already and it hadn’t helped. A man’s voice calling out her name distracted her from her thoughts.
“Leo?” she asked looking around.
“Hey you!” he said as he approached Tara. “What are you doing out alone?”
“Um, walking.”
“Do you mind if I walk with you?”
Even though Tara wasn’t frightened by him she said, “I have a charmed circle around me.”
“I don’t plan on biting you.” He smiled. “We’ll walk together, yet apart. Ok?”
“Sure.” Tara grinned back.
“I can protect you, you know? Super human strength and all. Maybe if I’d had this in high school I’d done a lot better with the chicks, eh? So why are you walking? Exercise? Not that you need any of course ‘cause you are absolutely – uh, healthy looking.” He paused for a moment feeling completely ridiculous. “Um, yeah. So…”
“Is this going to be a walk were we need to talk? I really don’t feel like talking right now.”
Leo was a bit caught off guard by Tara’s straightforwardness. “Sure. Ok. No more talking. After I finish talking this one time and all. Ok, I’ll be quiet. Quiet as a mouse-“
“Leo!”
“I’ll be quiet. I-” was the last word to come out of the vampire. He was quickly struck in the head by a bat held by another demon and collapsed on the floor.
Tara was horrified. She was quickly surrounded by a group of vampires.
“Hey! Lay off my friend!” she heard Buffy’s voice coming from behind her as she charged at the group of vampires.
“Buffy, no!” Tara shouted. “Nixo el circulo.” She dropped the circle so she could reach out to Buffy and stop her. She quickly felt a pair of strong arms grab her and throw her on the floor. The last thing Tara saw before darkness consumed her was a vampire smiling at her.
The fight finished quickly. It wasn’t that the two vampires Buffy dusted where the only ones from the attack but the others eerily scampered as soon as the second vampire was poofed.
“Are you ok, Tara?” she asked spinning around to where she thought the blonde witch was. “Tara?” she asked looking at the empty lawn.
Well, empty except for the vampire Leo who was slowly coming to. “What the hell?” He asked, pain-racked.
Buffy rapidly held up her stake as she walked over to him.
“Buffy!” She heard Willow screamed as she ran over to where they were. Buffy turned to her. “They took Tara! I saw them. I saw it all!” Willow was crying hysterically. “Buffy…”
“Which way?” the Slayer asked as she held Willow in her arms.
“Christ. What the hell just happened?” Leo asked as he tried to stand on both feet. He kept leaning to the left and quickly fell on the floor.
“Hold on a sec, Will. I gotta dust this dumb ass.” Buffy let go of her.
“That’s Leo.” Willow said in between tears. “He’s ok. We need to get Tara. They took her.”
“What?! This is Leo? What are you doing here?” Buffy asked him in her Slayer tone.
“Nothing.” He held the back of his head. “Oww… I was walking with Tara and then I woke up on the floor. Can you check my wound? Am I bleeding?” he turned around so Buffy could see the back of his head.
“Are you kidding me? You’re a vampire. Why are you acting so human?”
“He still has a soul.” The redhead said.
Buffy spun to her best friend when those words processed. “What!?”
“Tara. We need to get Tara!”
“Right.”
*******************************************
Spike was pacing back and forth. “Not that blonde, you boink.”
“Hey you said a blonde that hangs out with a redhead. Those where your exact words. This is the blonde I’ve seen hanging out with a redhead.” replied Marty.
Spike pointed his finger at a passed out Tara over his casket. “I also said svelte. Does that look svelte to you?”
“You’re British. I don’t understand half of anything you say.”
Spike rolled his eyes. “Svelte means petite. This blonde is not petite.”
“She looks petite to me. I’d say she’s about 5’4.”
“SKINNY, you wanker! God! You’re worse than Harm.”
Marty shook his head. “She is skinny. She’s just got curves. I like my women voluptuous.” He smiled.
“Well you can’t have her.”
“Why not?”
“She’s with Red. That’s why bloody not.”
“What do you mean.”
“That they- They are special friends.”
“They’re retarded? She doesn’t look retarded.”
“No you… Ahh! I can’t think of anything to insult you with!” Spike smacked Marty besides the head. “That blonde is Red’s raspberry swirl if you catch my drift.”
Marty looked at him dumbfounded. “No, I don’t.”
“She’s of the tribe of Xena…” Off Marty’s blank stare Spike got fed up. “You know what? Forget it. I’m going to stake you myself.”
Marty ran across the crypt. “Wait man. Give me another shot.”
“Ok, then I’ll kill you.”
“Bunny are you in here?” Harmony called out as she entered the lair.
“Bunny?” Marty laughed.
“Shut up.” Spike told him. “What do you want?” he asked Harmony as she walked up with a bunch of shopping bags.
“I was-“ Harmony saw Tara. “Why is Willow’s girlfriend here?
Marty turned to Harmony. “Now what exactly do you mean by girlfriend?”
Spike held his hands up in the air. “What I’ve been trying to tell you for five minutes!”
“Why didn’t you just say that? You didn’t have to be all metaphorical about it.”
“I was not being metaphorical. I was being subtle.”
Harmony laughed. “Spike here thinks he’s a poet. Can we eat her?”
“Are you insane? Do you know how many times Betty and Red would kill us?”
“Who’s Betty?” Marty asked.
“ARGH!” Fed up, Spike quickly poofed Marty.
“She’s a witch too, isn’t she. Can’t we, like, get her powers or something?” Harmony asked as she walked closer to Tara.
“No we can’t, like, get her powers or something.” He imitated her speech. “We need to give her back before she wakes up.”
“But she’s so fresh.” Harmony longingly looked at her neck.
“And you’ll be dust. Let me think.”
“S-Spike?” Tara said coming to.
Spike quickly began to act concerned. “Hey there, Tara. How are you feeling? And all that?”
The blonde witch held her head. “What? Where am I?”
“You were attacked - by vampires - and - I saved you. Yeah, I saved you. Thank me much.”
“What?” Tara couldn’t really remember what had happened.
Harmony smiled at her. “Relax. You’re our guest. Welcome to our humble abode. Do you mind if I share some fashion advice with you? Because-“
“Harm, shut up.”
******************************************
“Are you sure it was this way, Will?”
“Yeah.” Willow could hardly see in front of her due to the tears swelling in her eyes.
“Hey don’t worry, Willow. I’m sure Tara is all right.”
“And how would you know?” she dryly asked him.
“Look, I’m just trying to think positively here. That’s all.”
Buffy noticed Willow was ready to say something very un-Willowy and so she quickly spoke. “We’re headed to Spike’s cemetery. Maybe he knows something.”
“He kinda hates you, Buffy. Really, really hates you. Why would he help us?”
“Easy. I’ll just slay him.”
*******
“Would you like something to drink? I’ve only got beer. Well, I have blood but I don’t think-“
Buffy burst the door open.
“Hey! That is the second time this week, you wench!”
“Spike, have you seen- Tara. Are you ok?”
Willow quickly ran to her girlfriend. “Tara!”
The blonde witch smiled. “Willow!”
“Oh, baby. I’m so sorry for everything. I didn’t-“
“Just kiss me.” Was all she needed to tell her. And that Willow did.
“What the hell is going on?” Buffy asked Spike, stake in hand.
“I rescued her you silly nit.”
Buffy noticed Harmony trying to cover herself as the mannequin. “Harmony?”
Defeated Harmony edged out from behind the doll. “Look, I’m really sorry about kidnapping your sister and all that. Please don’t slay me. I was only trying to empower myself. As a woman you should be able to understand.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. Her retort was cut off by a moan coming from either Willow or Tara as they kissed. Maybe it was coming from the both of them at the same time. Buffy eyes widened.
“Bloody hell, get a room!” Spike screamed at them.
***************************
11:45
As soon as they were outside of Spike’s crypt the two witches quickly said goodnight and headed off, leaving Buffy alone with Leo. Buffy noticed his sad demeanor, and especially on this night, she felt sorry for him.
“Leo?”
“Yeah?” He asked still looking down at the grass as they walked through the cemetery.
“I-I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry?”
“What for?” he asked, looking at her.
“That you’re a vampire.”
His eyes widened. “You’re not going to slay me, are you?”
“Oh god no! Hello, did I not, not slay Harmony even after she kidnapped my sister and broke my mother’s window?”
“But you know her. You don’t know me from Adam.”
Buffy eyed him. “Let’s just not use that name, ok?”
“Oh yeah! My bad. I had nothing to do with that whole demonic war thing.”
Buffy grinned then frowned. “How come you still have a soul?”
“I don’t know. I liked being human. I only asked Sunday to turn me because I was afraid of dying. And the irony is I’m still dead.” Buffy laughed and Leo smiled at this. “So what is a pretty Slayer like you doing all alone on this horrible holiday? And please don’t take offense to anything I say this evening. Remember I was whacked over the head earlier.”
“Boyfriend left me for a luscious topical country.”
“He what? Is he insane?”
“Yes. No. I don’t know.”
***
“You must be kidding.” Phobus commented to his half brother as they watched Buffy and Leo walk across the cemetery.
Eros smiled. “Well, Angel was a vampire with a soul.”
“But, Leo has a half soul. He’ll lose it soon enough.”
“Why would you say that?”
“His heart is broken. What is the point of living if the one you love doesn’t love you back? Even if he isn’t living anymore cause he is a vampire and-”
“Phobus! Shut up. You know very well the seven soul mates rule. He can love again.”
“Yeah, but what if Tara was his One this life?”
“You said it already, he’s dead.”
Phobus understood what he meant. “So, different lifeline different mate?”
“What’cha think now?” Eros asked as his eyes signaled Phobus back to Buffy and Leo.
Phobus mouth dropped as he saw the vampire and vampire slayer kissing.
***
Leo was softly caressing Buffy’s face as their lips touched. Buffy’s arms were wrapped around his waist.
Off at a distance a church bell rang midnight.
Poof!
The spell was broken.
“Ah?” Leo asked as soon as he let go of her face and jumped back.
“What?” Buffy couldn’t believe what had just happened. She’d kissed Leo! She just met the guy too! “I- uh-“ I’m a slut, she thought.
“I gotta go.” Leo began to walk away. “I’m sorry.”
“Wait!” she called after him but he was already sprinting off. “Bye.” She whispered aloud.
***
there is some more, kinda an epilogue but I’m not done with it yet. What’cha all think?
Halcyon
Cool Monster Fighter
Posts: 173
Registered: Apr 2001 posted May 01, 2001 13:36
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hey, thanks for the read. the switcheroo was really funny *g* It sounded like a dream come true, if only that was onscreen *sigh*
oh and I really like the part where W/T fought/argued/whatevered. I like conflict.I like angst. heehee
Tim the UNSPOILED
Willowhand
Posts: 463
Registered: Oct 2000 posted May 01, 2001 13:39
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Otter Princess done good here now which ever way I am the liiiiight good done good.
And I hope that's clear.
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"...I just came down the stairs."
"Down the STAIRS???From URSA MINOR???Hey,you must be unbelievably fit."
The Hitch-Hiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Kalita
Cool Monster Fighter
Posts: 236
Registered: Jan 2001 posted May 01, 2001 15:51
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Xander turned to his girlfriend, a glimmer in his eyes. “So… You wanna go do spells and stuff?”
Absolutely high-LARIOUS! This was way too cool.
Get going on that epilogue! This should be finished up and posted somewhere proiminent for the online hordes to enjoy!
Kal
Warduke
Big Pineapple
Posts: 724
Registered: Nov 2000 posted May 01, 2001 16:30
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Great fic Rane, I loved it
Scooby, schmoobies. I want your boobies LMAO
ambers.toy
Doll's eye crystal
Posts: 81
Registered: Mar 2001 posted May 01, 2001 16:54
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Rane, I bow down before you and grovel at your feet!
That was excellent, very, very funny, it should definitely be turned into and eppie!
I can just see Tara saying those shameful things LOL!!!
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"You two are the two who are the two, I'm the other one" Willow, The Yoko Factor
NO/NAME
unregistered posted May 01, 2001 16:58
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i absolutely loved tara's "crist in cruches woman! what is your problem?"
i was laughing for at least 5 straight minutes, and a chuckle every time i think of it!
Rane
Willowhand
Posts: 389
Registered: Sep 2000 posted May 02, 2001 11:39
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awesome to hear such kind words after such an emotional episode. i'm still in shock from last nights ep. dont know if i'll recover soon... i really really need to read funny fics. any suggestions?
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WILLOW- (under her breath)I didn't create the troll... I didn't date the troll... (starting to have fun) In fact I hate the troll. I helped deflate the troll- (off Xander's look) All done.
FrenchRose
Doll's eye crystal
Posts: 89
Registered: Feb 2001 posted May 02, 2001 12:16
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Ok, just how weird am I ? This fic is packed with killer-lines, some of the funniest dialogue I've read in a long time and all - and you know what makes me laugh the most ? A visual joke, so to say, in fact it's Harmony trying to cover herself as the mannequin. That just cracks me up, I can *so* picture Harmony doing that.... Anyway, great fic Rane. Btw, when will we get the next installment in the Velvet Web Series ?
Rose, who'd pay a lot of money to see parts of this fic on screen...
Rane
Willowhand
Posts: 389
Registered: Sep 2000 posted May 03, 2001 00:57
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thanks Rose! that harmony scene is one of my favorites. glad others found it funny.
as for velvet, who knows. email me if you're interested in reading some other stuff.
edited to say: i keep forgetting this bumps up. sorry!
[This message has been edited by Rane (edited May 03, 2001).]
IP:
You are an inspiration to us all. 
