I'm going to take the plunge and trot out this piece in the hope that I can get it all out of my system before I have to concentrate on work stuff. I'll post it in bits as I finish them but I'm warning you now, I'm no super-fast writer.
Little Miss Nobody
by Forrister
Email address: forrister@hotmail.com
Feedback: Please – I really appreciate some constructive feedback. (Not necessarily positive feedback, but definitely constructive.)
Distribution: Please don’t distribute or archive my story without asking me.
Rating: PG –13 (some violence, some bad language.)
Disclaimer: I know Joss owns them all. I know I don’t. (A little knowledge can be so damn frustrating.)
Summary: Life goes on, but the business of living is never an easy one. Particularly in Sunnydale!
Note: Post “The Gift”. Sequel to “The Day after the End of the World.” but you don't really need to read that to get this. (Set about five weeks after ‘The Gift’)
Chapter 1
It had been a wonderful night for stargazing. The lights of Sunnydale blazed below like a million candles. The moon was nowhere to be seen and the ‘Big Pineapple’ shone benevolently down upon them as they held hands.
“I wonder if she’s looking down on us from up there somewhere?” mused Willow sadly.
“Buffy’s in the Summerland and I’m sure she watches over us.”
“I just wish she was still here.” mourned Willow, in a small voice.
Tara held her close and they stood there for a while remembering. Eventually Tara slipped her had into her lover’s hand and they started back home.
They had been living at the Summers’ house for a month now. Buffy had left legal papers designating Giles and Willow as executors of her estate and Dawn’s legal guardians. Willow was somewhat startled to learn that when Joyce and Hank Summers had gotten divorced, he hadn’t contested custody and had gladly signed away all parental rights to both girls. Buffy had never mentioned this but then again she might not have known herself until after Joyce’s death.
Giles continued his role as father figure but remained in his own home. At first Giles wanted Dawn to move in with him, away from the memories, but she had flatly refused any suggestions of moving out of the only home she knew, so Willow and Tara had moved in to provide live in care and support. Spike had moved himself into the basement, and Xander had fixed him up with his own private exit. It looked very much as if the arrangement would become permanent.
“I wish there were something more we could do for Dawnie” sighed Willow wistfully. “She hardly speaks, she rarely smiles, she just spends time in her room reading or cleaning around the house.”
“Giles thinks she’s trying to cope with the loss of her identity, her mother, her sister, and her innocence, all in a few short months.”
“It’s not fair,” growled Willow. “She is less than a year old in real time with the memories of a fourteen year old and experiences an old woman shouldn’t have to deal with.”
“We can love her and be there for her.” stated Tara firmly. “She won’t be alone, she’ll be with family.”
Dawn herself was very quiet these days. Luckily it was summer so she didn’t have to face going back to school just yet. Giles was worried that she may not be emotionally up to it even then. He’d checked out the requirements for home schooling and was pleased to discover that, if necessary, he had more than sufficient qualifications to teach her himself. Her obsessive neatness was beginning to wane and he was confident that eventually she would go back to being something like a normal teenager.
Tara and Willow crossed Revello Drive and walked into the house. Spike was sprawled on the couch with a cup of blood, gawking at some international beauty pageant on TV.
“Cor. Look at the knockers on that one!” he exclaimed, to no one in particular.
“Ah. Hmm.” Willow cleared her throat. “We’re home!”
“I noticed.” said Spike, taking another sip from his cup. “I can hear you breathing. That’s a nasty throat you’ve got there. You should take something for that.”
He turned his attention back to the TV.
“Hey! Check out that lanky blonde in the split skirt, ladies! She’s got legs that go all the way up to her arse and then get cheeky.”
“Spike, how can you sit there and be so disgusting?” The wry grin on Tara’s face gave her away.
Spike returned the grin. “It’s easy m’ little lovelies, it just takes practice… Lots of practice.”
Willow began to grin too. It was strange, sharing a home with Spike. She was a bit wary of the idea at first but Tara convinced her to give it a try. The first few days were disastrous. Spike had no idea about the little things that made communal living bearable. There were bits of rubbish and food left in odd places, the stink of cigarettes, and cups dirty with old blood. It got so bad that Tara was ready to hose him down and Willow was going to scrub him with a wire brush if he didn’t shower at least once a night. Faced with this threat of imminent witchy retribution Spike sulked for a bit and threatened to go back to his crypt. From that time on he managed to confine his most of his messes to the basement and his smoking to the back porch. The beer in the refrigerator was still under negotiation.
Funnily enough it was Miss Kitty who finally settled the matter by taking an unaccountable liking to him. She sat on his lap, slept (and shed) on his clothes, sneaked licks of pig’s blood from his cup whenever he left it unattended, and groomed the gel out of his hair as he slept. She even took to bringing him little offerings of dead mice and insects which were invariably left on his chest or on his pillow as he slept. Spike protested loud and long to anyone who would listen about ‘that bloody cat!’ but when he thought no one was looking he would cuddle her and feed her tidbits. Willow was worried at first by what she dubbed ‘The corruption of Miss Kitty,’ but Tara simply smiled and made mystical comments about the wise judgements of feline kind.
“Spike, have you seen Miss Kitty recently? It’s dark and she should be inside.”
Spike shook his head. “Last time I saw the mini-menace she was upstairs with Dawn. She isn’t bothering me and I don’t plan on bothering her.”
Willow frowned. Dawn was still spending too much time alone in her room. She decided to go check on her.
A minute later Willow came racing downstairs with Miss Kitty in her arms.
“Dawn’s gone!”
**********
Dawn moved carefully through the cemetery. She’d read about how dangerous the place could be but she had been ‘patrolling’ for nearly an hour now and nothing was stirring. She somehow found herself in that corner where her mother and Buffy lay beneath the earth. This was the first time she had visited their graves alone. All the other times Willow or Tara, and once even Spike, had been with her. This time she stood there alone. She didn’t cry. She felt that she had no more tears to shed. The tears were in her heart where they tore at her in the night.
She touched her mother’s headstone. “I still miss you – so much. Why did you have to go and leave me?”
She turned to Buffy’s grave and looked down. “Why didn’t you let me go? It was my fault that you died. It was my death that you took. I was ready.”
Dawn slumped to her knees, pillowing her head on the memorial stone. “That’s what I was made for. I wasn’t born - I was the key. It was my purpose to close the portal.”
She began to sob.
“I know you wanted me to live. But I don’t know how! None of my life was real before, and I don’t know how to make it real now!”
Dawn felt like her heart could shatter into a million pieces and still ache with a pain that was almost unbearable. She closed her eyes and let the tears come.
“So. What’s this we got here, boys?”
Dawn looked up to see three vampires who were obviously sizing her up for their next meal. She grabbed a stake from her pack and stood as she had seen her sister stand many times before.
The lead vamp just grinned. “This one fancies herself. This is going to be fun!” He began to move toward her.
As his feet touched the ground surrounding the grave there was a flash of brilliant white light and he disintegrated into dust.
“Whoa. This must be that place they told us about.” The two remaining vampires began to back away in fear. “The place none of us can touch.”
Dawn’s eyes were still partially blinded by the flash but she could see the silhouette of a third figure behind the other two. It quickly staked the vampires and then moved forward. She felt a gentle touch on her cheek and smelled a soft fragrance. As she blinked and strained to adjust her eyes once more to the darkness, the figure walked away and was gone.
**********
It was Spike who finally found her. He used the mobile phone Tara had given him to call Willow and let her know he was bringing Dawn home. Then they walked the streets back to the Summers house in silence. They stopped across the street as Spike took her gently by the hand and turned her towards him.
“Why, darlin’?”
Dawn hung her head as tears ran down her cheeks. “I – I had to … had to go. My life .. it doesn’t m-mean anything. It should have been me.” She half collapsed into Spike’s arms.
He wrapped her in all the love his undead heart had to give, a bit surprised at how much he felt for this girl. When her sobbing slowed he picked her up in his arms and carried her inside.
It was about fifteen minutes later when Willow and Tara burst in the door.
“Where is she? Is she alright? What happened? Where did she go? Why didn’t she tell us?”
“Slow down Red. Breathe a bit.” Spike stood at the foot of the stairs. “She’s fine. I just put her to bed.”
Willow didn’t wait for anything more. She tossed her coat to Tara and took the stairs two at a time as she ran to check on Dawn. Tara slowly hung their coats in the closet and went to join Spike who was sitting on the couch with his head in his hands.
“Where did you find her?” she asked.
Spike ran his fingers through his hair. “She was at the grave. She had that with her.” He indicated the small backpack she had been carrying.
Tara unloaded the pack on the table. There were a couple of stakes, a cross, and a bottle of what she presumed was holy water. She shook her head and sat down, staring at the items on the coffee table.
“Did she tell you anything?” Tara finally asked.
Spike shook his head. “Not much. Something about how her life didn’t mean anything and how it should have been her.”
Tara closed her eyes and a single tear trickled down her cheek. She knew that feeling. She’d felt it when her mother died, leaving her alone and friendless to deal with the rest of her family. At that time the only thing that made life worth living was the promise she’d made to somehow get away from her father and brother to where she could make a new start for herself.
Giles burst in the door with Xander and Anya in tow.
“Is she alright?”
“Will is upstairs with her now.” replied Tara. “She hasn’t been harmed.”
Xander spotted the collection on the table. “Is somebody planning on a bit of slayage?” He picked up a stake and attempted to twirl it in his hand. It flew into Spike’s lap. Spike stood up and grabbed Xander by the collar. Giles rushed to separate the two but Spike simply gave Xander a look that conveyed his utter contempt for all lower life forms, shoved him aside and disappeared into his basement.
“What did I say?” bleated Xander.
“Nothing at all.” asserted Anya, wrapping her arms around him.
“I think we’re all a bit upset.” added Giles as he picked up the stake from the floor and put it back on the table. “I take it Dawn was carrying these?”
Tara nodded.
Giles began to pace. “I was afraid that something like this might happen. She’s been too quiet, too introspective.”
Xander looked puzzled. “Did I come in late or am I missing something here.”
Tara spoke softly. “I think what Giles means is that Dawn is trying to make up somehow for Buffy’s dying.”
“By taking Buffy’s place and getting herself killed?” Xander shook his head. “Patrolling alone is plain crazy. We all know that.”
“That’s the point.” interrupted Giles from across the room. “We know it. We’ve all done it before, but we’ve mostly kept Dawn out of it. We’d come back and tell a few stories about how bad the nasties were and how we destroyed them and then finish it off with a few jokes.”
“You never told Dawn how bad it really was or how often you were an inch away from dying.” added Tara.
“I’ve always noticed that people never dwell on how close death is to them all the time.” mused Anya. She turned to Xander. “Don’t you ever go dying on me. I couldn’t bear it.”
Xander put on his ‘hero’ face. “I plan to live forever or die trying!” he announced solemnly.
Anya threw her arms around him and kissed him passionately, then frowned as she caught the implications of what he had just said.
“In the midst of life, there is Death and from Death comes new life.” quoted Giles.
They all were silent as they contemplated the mysteries of life and death.
Willow walked slowly down the stairs and sat on the lowest step. Her face was pale and drawn. Dawn had refused to speak to her, turning her face away and pulling up the covers. This had hurt Willow more than the argument she was expecting ever could. Yelling she could have dealt with, but the silence was almost unbearable. The others were still talking in the living room and she didn’t feel up to joining them.
“Tara. I’m kinda beat. I think I’ll call it a night.” she called out.
Tara came in as she was slowly climbing the stairs. “Sweetie, is everything OK?”
Willow shook her head. “I need to get some sleep, love.”
“And Dawn?”
“She’s not talking, not sleeping either.” Willow paused on the top step. “We’ll talk in the morning.”
“I’ll be straight up.”
“No, you stay and see the others off. Say sorry for me. Please.” Willow turned and went to bed.
Tara waited until she was out of sight before returning to the living room. “Willow is tired so she’s gone to bed. She said to say ‘sorry’.”
“I understand.” said Giles. “We all should be heading home. It’s getting rather late and we’ve had a busy night. Come around to the shop in the morning and we’ll talk about this.”
“I’m not sure Dawn will be up to talking in the morning.” observed Tara. “But Willow and I will come by tomorrow sometime.”
“Yes, well. Something will have to be done. We can’t have any more of this type of behaviour.”
Giles sounded stern but inside he was deeply worried. Dawn’s state of mind was getting worse, not better. A professional therapist couldn’t possibly understand and couldn’t ever be told the truth. He decided to spend a few hours researching possible options when he got home.
Anya took Xander’s hand and dragged him to the door.
“We should go. You know, laundry to do, and stuff.” Xander tried to explain as he was pulled bodily out the door.
“Ah… Stuff. “ echoed Giles as he gave a brief wave. “That boy must have the stamina of Priapus.”
Tara blushed.
“Sorry.” mumbled Giles.
Anya and Xander could still be heard as they got into their car.
“I thought we were going back to have more sex?”
“I thought I told you not to say that so loud!?”
“I forgot. You do still love me, don’t you?”
“Forever!”
The car doors slammed and they sped off.
“I’d better be off as well.” Giles put a hand on Tara’s shoulder. “Will you be alright?”
“I’ll be fine. See you tomorrow.” Tara kissed his cheek and watched until he disappeared around the corner. She went back inside, locked the doors and switched off the lights.
**********
Tara was on her way to Willow when she heard the low sobs coming from Dawn’s room. She quietly opened the door. Dawn was under the covers crying softly into her pillow. Tara went over to her, lay on the covers beside her and held her close until the crying was eventually replaced by the deep, rhythmic breathing of sleep.
**********
Willow’s tears sank into her pillow without a sound. Tonight she felt old, old and indescribably weary. As she descended into sleep she wondered if Joyce or Buffy had ever felt this way.
- She was standing on glowing sea. The waves rose and fell, yet she seemed to be on perfectly steady. She could hear Dawn’s voice calling. She watched the green dolphin jump in and out of the waves. As she followed it she could hear the voice more clearly now, but it wasn’t her name the girl was crying out. It was Buffy’s. She turned and there was Dawn, standing in a doorway, crying and screaming “Buffy!”. She ran towards the girl, wanting to help her so badly. When she got to the door, Dawn looked at her, said “You don’t know how!” and slammed it shut in her face. She sank to the ground as the doorway disappeared.
A large white owl swept down from the sky on snowy wings and landed on her shoulder. “If you open the door and wait, she’ll come to you.”
She touched the owl’s feathers. It was so soft, like Tara’s hair. She wrapped her arms around the owl and cried into its feathery chest. -
**********
Willow woke to the bright mid-morning sun shining in the window. She rolled over and realised that she was alone in the bed. Sitting up she saw Tara sitting on the floor in one of her meditation rituals. Willow sat in silence watching the living centre of her existence. She reminded her of one of those alabaster statues, pale and classically beautiful. Only the slow rise and fall of her breast gave Willow an indication that this was a flesh and blood woman and not some Greek goddess.
Tara became aware of her lover’s scrutiny and finished her meditation with a silent prayer to the great Goddess. She slowly stretched and stood and went to give Willow a good morning cuddle.
“You weren’t here when I went to sleep and you weren’t here when I woke up. “ Willow gave a mock-pout. “I missed you.”
“I was never far away.” smiled Tara, laying a soft finger on Willow’s lips to wipe the pout away. “And you’ve slept half the morning away, my sleepy-headed sweetie.”
“Last night really took it out of me. Is Dawn up yet?”
“No, I checked on her about half an hour ago. She was still sleeping.”
Willow snuggled closer. “I really don’t know what to do. Last night I was so angry and scared and hurt… She wouldn’t even look at me. It’s like she doesn’t love me any more and I can’t get through to her.”
Tara kissed her hair. “It’s not you, love. It just that she’s so lost and she doesn’t have the words to explain.”
“I guess it’s my job to punish her now. I suppose grounding is traditional or cutting her pocket money or something?”
“She barely goes out of the house as it is and she rarely spends the money she gets now.”
Willow’s brow furrowed in anguish.
“What sort of guardian am I? I don’t know what to do – I just don’t understand what’s happening.”
“You’re the best sort of guardian. You love her. It’s not easy, suddenly becoming the substitute parent of a fourteen year old. Besides, I think you understand her better than you know.”
“How so?”
“Well, you know how you feel about Buffy, and about Joyce. You feel that hole in your life where they used to be. She feels it too, but she feels it far more.”
Willow frowned as she took this in.
“We’ve talked before about how guilty you felt because you couldn’t save Buffy.” Tara continued.
Willow began to hang her head as Tara gave her a stern look and took Willow’s hand.
“We’ve gone over it again and again and short of knowing in advance precisely what was going to happen you couldn’t have changed a thing. None of us could.”
Willow nodded.
“Dawn feels that too Will, can’t you see? She feels guilty because she didn’t close the portal – Buffy did. I’m sure that Dawn was ready to do it. Buffy just never would have let her.”
“I knew she was feeling pretty guilty before that.” Willow added, feeling not a little guilty herself. “With her being the key it was like she felt Glory was her fault somehow.”
“Yeah. Dawn’s been a mess for a long while now, but we were so busy dealing with Glory and everything else that we didn’t stop to do anything about it.”
“And this is supposed make me feel better?”
“No. This is the ‘think about the problem before doing anything silly’ part.” Tara lay on her back with her head in Willow’s lap.
“Well, Dawn has lost her family and now she has us. It’s not the same and not as good but it’s the best we can do.” Willow’s brow furrowed in concentration. “We need to give her a role in the family. I mean one that involves more than us taking care of her and her being taken care of – if you get my drift.”
“We should get her involved in some scooby activities.” Tara suggested. “I don’t just mean the video nights or the round-table pizza sessions, I mean the real stuff.”
“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. Being a scooby is a dangerous business.”
“Sure, and being the key wasn’t?” Tara looked up into Willow’s face. “I haven’t had a proper chance to tell you yet but we found slaying gear, you know – stakes and such, in her backpack last night.”
Willow would have jumped to her feet if it wasn’t for Tara’s head in her lap.
“WHAT!!!!”
“Shhh. You’ll wake Dawn.”
“Do you mean to tell me that she was out there alone looking for vamps to slay?”
“Yep. She pulled a ‘Buffy’” Tara began to be concerned at the look of horror on Willows’s face. She sat up and hugged the red-head tight. “Calm down. Breathe!”
“A little less tight please!” Willow managed to say.
“Oh. Sorry. OK now?”
Willow took a deep breath, then another. “OK.”
“Well, that’s why I thought we could teach her stuff. It’d be good for her know she’s doing something useful and it’d help us keep an eye on her while she does it.”
Willow took a few more deep breaths and thought about it. “It may not be so bad. She could help with the research stuff – I did that when I was not much older than her.”
Tara decided that she may as well be hung for a sheep as for a lamb and blurted out the other part of her idea. “I think we should start teaching her spells. You know – give her a grounding in the basics.”
“Wha…” Willow’s exclamation was cut off by Tara putting a hand over her lips.
“Shh. Dawn, asleep, don’t want to wake her. Remember?”
“Sorry.” whispered Willow. “Its just that Buffy never seemed too keen on us getting Dawn involved in magick.”
“Dawn’s very interested in our spells and she has the gift for magick. I know she’s been reading about it and I think she may have tried a few things. I’d rather she learned with our help than experimented on her own.”
Willow was reminded of a few of her spells and the numerous, messy ways they had gone ‘kablooey!’. This wasn’t such a bad idea after all. But there was still one problem. “Giles isn’t going to like this one little bit!”
“Well then,” smiled Tara. “We’ll just have to change his mind. Won’t we?”
- To be continued.
Well, there it is. Hope it isn't too bad. (Please confine all throwing to blunt objects only)
I'll put up part 2 as soon as it is done.
Forrister
Cogito ergo sum doleo (I think, therefore I am depressed)
