Letters From Willow (Challenge)

[TrueXena]

!!WARNING!! SPOILERS POSSIBLE FOR ENTIRE SERIES !!WARNING!!

With all the angst over the Willow and Tara situation, I started thinking about how Willow would go about trying to get Tara back -- after she stopped with the magic, I mean. And what I came up with was Willow writing letter after letter, until finally Tara could bring herself to sit down and read them.

I decided to write the scene, but since I'm not a writer, I asked a friend to help me out. This is Shadow *points at Shadow* and she helped me write this.

*Shadow waves and shrugs* It's only fair -- you wrote my note on the intro thread.

*TX nods* Ahem. Yes. Well, anyway, we wrote the scene, and then realized.... we didn't have a clue as to what the letters would say. So, we thought, why not ask the Kittens?

And here we are!

So, we are presenting our scene to you... along with a challenge. We'd like you each to give us a letter -- what do you think Willow would say? How would she try to get Tara back? Think carefully, and pay attention to our scene, because we decided that it was after this issue with magic had been resolved... and all that's left is to get them together again.

Are you ready? Are your fingers poised? Good!
Our scene begins......

Tara closed the door behind her and locked it. With a sigh, she dropped her book bag near her desk, and headed for the mini fridge to put away her small amount of groceries. Grabbing a bottle of juice, she slid into the seat in front of her desk to sort through the mail she'd picked up a little earlier. It was mostly junk, a few bills, and a flyer from the wicca group on campus. She rolled her eyes at that one, but set it aside any way.

Finally, she came to a colorful envelope, with familiar handwriting. She slumped further in her chair as she she ran a finger over the ink. Her eyes closed, and she felt the pinprick of tears behind them. How long has it been since I saw her? Two months? How many has she sent now?

It had been two months since the night she left Willow, and hurt Dawn in the process. Tara had heard from both Buffy and Xander that Willow had agreed not to use magic -- and after a few rough weeks, had actually been able to stick to the agreement. Buffy had even met Tara for lunch and told her that it was like having the real Wills back -- the bright, excitable young woman that she had been best friends with in high school. Tara was happy for her ex-girlfriend, and glad that things had worked out.

But she couldn't quite get over the feelings of betrayal. Willow had cast a spell on her, and it had driven a wedge between them that the blonde just wasn't sure she'd ever forgive. She sighed.

I miss her.

With that thought, Tara stood and walked over to her bed, pulling the stack of Willow's letters out from their hiding place. She flipped through them, wondering what each of them said.

Goddess, I want her back.

And with that, she knew what she had to do. She curled up on her bed, with her feet tucked under her. Deliberately, she spread the letters from Willow all around her, making a pattern on the bed. Then she chose one at random and opened it.

Leaning back, she began to read......

------------------
Later dayz,
TrueXena

"I'm so evil, and skanky...and I think I'm kinda gay."

[This message has been edited by TrueXena (edited November 19, 2001).]

[Wiccagrrl]

Gods, Tara, I hope you read this. I've written so many already, and, well, I just have to keep hoping that someday you'll be willing to read them. That you'll want to hear what I have to say.

I just need you to know I get it. I don't expect your forgiveness right now. Maybe not ever. But I want you to understand that I know what I've done. I know how much I've hurt you, and I'm so, so sorry baby. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. I mean that.

I hope you're doing ok. I miss you. And I love you.

Always,

Willow

[miss_spangles]

Hey great topic and great response wiccagrrl

[Chance]

My Always,

I'm sitting in our room. It still is our room in every way, nothing has changed. Well, at least not the way it looks. I find it hard to be in here normally, I tend to just come in when I can't keep my eyes open anymore, and leave as soon as I wake. The bed still smells like you. The room seems emptier without your things in it. I haven't put anything in their places, because I keep hoping one day your stuff will sit where it once did. The closet seems empty without your clothes. Every morning I get a bit of a shock as I stare into it. It's half full, but it seems so depressingly empty. I feel like the closet.

You left your sweater here in your haste to pack, and I'm glad for it. I wear it to bed at night, and it's soft and warm, much like you are. It keeps me from going crazy I think. I'll send it through Buffy if you want it back... Though I'm hoping you'll let me keep at least that memory of you.

I'm trying to quit, baby. I am. I realize now, now that I'm trying to stop, just how much magic I was doing. And I'm so sorry for it. Now, whenever my mind automatically jumps to a spell, all I have to do is think about the look on your face. The look on your face when you walked away from me. I never thought I'd have to see that much pain on your face, particularly not pain that I caused. But I did. And I'm trying to live with that. It's hard. But I haven't done a spell in a few weeks, and it feels good. It feels good to know that I can just live. Things were too easy, but only seemingly so. I didn't realize how complicated I had made it. I didn't realize how hard it must have been for you to watch me like that.

You haven't answered any of my letters, which I understand. But I want you to know that all I can do is think of you. Everything reminds me of you. Even just the simpleness of being a Scooby reminds me of you. Of how you were with them. Dawn blames me for you leaving, and won't really look me in the eyes anymore. But at least she's speaking to me. I don't blame her. She misses you, I think, as much as I do. Differently, but as much. Buffy and Xander sometimes look at me in pity, and I hate it. There are just moments when my own actions overwhelm me and I break. Buffy hugs and comforts me, but she blames me too. Anya misses you. She complains daily. In the beginning, I hated her for the reminder, now I feel as though I deserve the abuse.

It's so hard to write to you, but when I'm done, it feels at least a little better. There isn't a thing about you that isn't etched into my mind, and it all comes to me as I try and say what's on my mind. The way your hair looked spread across your pillow in the morning, that sexy half smile that lights your face when you're being a vixen. Your scent, which I swear even though I know better, is still all over the house. Sometimes the memories are what overwhelm. Walking past the couch in the living room -- you remember don't you? I pause, the chill of your arms not around me, and try and remember everything about that night. The way we talked for hours, face against face. Your lips as they touched my ear and neck, your hand as it played with my hair.

Tara, I love you. More than anything else in this world, more than myself. If I never do magic again, it wouldn't bother me. Not now. I know that's hard for you to believe, but you have to let me try to prove it to you. There is no one else in the world for me. I can't even think of anyone else. No one matters to me like you do. I need you so desperately to give me a chance. You're my always. And I'm begging you to find me now like you have so many times before. I'm begging you to give this another shot because we both know that our love is worth it. I may not be. But the love that we share... no one can touch it.

I know we both have changed. I've certainly changed, and I can only imagine what you've been going through. I know none of this has been easy for you. I even realize how hard it must have been for you to leave. That took strength and courage, and I'm so proud of you. You've helped me see something that was destroying me. Even in leaving you were taking care of me. I understand.

Please, Tara. At least see me. At least give us the chance we deserve.

I miss you.

Your Willow.

[legend]

WOW! Chance and Wiccagrrl - those letters were so powerful! Wonderful, just wonderful!

[Ressick]

Damnit... *sniffles* this is not how I wanted to start my morning... but I'm so glad I did.

Those are absolutely fantastic. Thank you both for sharing.

Chance, so so wonderful. *hugs* That's my girl.

Res, sniffling at the computer...

[Shaniezak]

Bump bump bump.

C'mon, y'all, a little something here? Even postcard-length? Rane? Forrister? Kirk? Ruth? xita? Sass? We've got a ton of writers on this board . . . and a lot of people who need something in the way of therapy after "Tabula Rasa." This could help!

I'm workin' on one myself, and this juggling act, I tell ya . . . well, I'm workin' on it.

[Wiccagrrl]

Yeah, c'mon guys. This is a great challenge, I mean even I came up with one Plus, very theraputic. Oh, and Chance, loved yours. Made me sniffle.

[magrat]

Tara

Sorry really doesn't seem enough,sorry I hurt you,sorry I betrayed you,sorry I violated your mind,soory I let an addiction get in the way of the best,most precious thing I had in my life.

I feel all these things and worse,I've stopped doing magic know,I don't know if you'll believe that but I am begging you baby please come back even to be just friends.I just miss you so much I feel I've lost part of me that I can never replace.I say again I'll do anything to have you back

Yours Always
Willow

[ULookSoPrecious]

Ooookkkk, so I just wrote this in like five minutes and its the first thing I've ever wrote. Hope ya like it even just a little itty bitty bit. Here goes:

Tara,
I cant believe you're really gone. Its been two weeks and I still wake up every night and reach for you, but you're never there. Alone, I hug your pillow to me and bury my face in it to stiffle my sobs so I dont wake Buffy and Dawn. Dawn...she wont even look at me anymore, not that I blame her, Im not too thrilled with looking at me either. I never knew I could hurt this bad without dying. Everything is so different now. I eat only because Buffy makes me, food has no taste anymore. I breathe only because I hope to catch your scent in the air. I truly think I understand how Buffy feels now. You were my heaven and now youre gone. I suppose this is poetic justice. I took her heaven away, so mine is gone too. Karma has come back to get me. I havent done magic since you left. I realize now how out of control I was. Hopefully one day you will be able to forgive me, although I will never be able to forgive myself. I miss you more than you could ever know. I love you further than forever.
Eternaly Yours,
Willow

[RomanceJunky]

Okie,dokie...here's a go at it.

Tara,
Hey Baby. I know I'm suppose to be giving you a little space right now,(and I have stayed totally away from you for a week now) but I just had to write you and let you know how much I'm missing you. Not a miniute goes by that your not somehow in my thoughts. As I walk to class, I find myself unconsiously looking for you in the crowd. It's really hard to convince myself that we're not meeting for lunch or mochas between classes. I miss helping you with dinner, (which, by the way, has been pretty bad around here lately as, lets face it, niether Buffy, Dawn nor I am worth much in the kitchen!) fighting over the remote control, and listening to you help Dawn with her homework. But most of all, I miss our quite times. Those last few moments of the day when we're alone in our room and the madness of the day just fades away before the reality of our love for one another. Tara, baby, I know you're hurt, and I can't begin to tell you how very sorry I am. But, please believe me when I tell you that I love you! I love you so much baby, and I know you love me too! This is all just a horrible misunderstanding and I know that together, we can get past this. So, when you've had enough time to work it out in your thoughts and in your heart, know that I'll still be here waiting for you. You are my always.

You were wrong, you know--it's me that's under your spell.

All My Love,
Your Willow

[This message has been edited by RomanceJunky (edited November 21, 2001).]

[Dix]

*thrown out from lurkdom, another 5 minute work*

Oh Tara,

How ever did you put up with me for as long as you did? I was horrible to you, to everybody, to myself. I never believed that I could hurt you and not die from the pain in your eyes. But I did hurt you, and then I hurt you again, and again still. As long as I live I’ll never forgive myself for that. I’ll never forgive me for it and I don’t expect you to either. I hope and pray everyday to every God and Goddess that you might forgive me … but I would understand if you never did.

As much guilt and remorse and even pain that I feel about everything … I know it doesn’t even touch the hurt that you’ve suffered through. That you’re still suffering through. I guess these letters are like daily reminders and probably don’t help, but I can’t bring myself to stop writing them. I think it helps me in some way but I’m not really sure how. I guess that maybe they help me to feel like I still have at least a part of you with me. That we’re still connected in some way.

It’s weird because I know that you wrote letters to your mom after… And Dawn sometimes writes letters to Joyce. They’re letters to people that you’ve lost. Tara, baby, I know I hurt you but please don’t be lost to me. You can’t be… I’m supposed to always find you.

Please let me find you again, Tara. I love you. I won’t ask for another chance … I don’t know that I would even deserve one. But, Tara please, at least be a part of my life.

Please think about it.

I love you and miss you,
Willow

[Sassette]

I've been meaning to post on this, but I've been writing other stuff - so TX, Shaniezak... call off the darn lynch mob, okay? 'Cuz here goes:

Tara.

I've started and re-started this letter about a million times. How does one go about writing a letter like this? They never went over that in English Class. 'Dear Tara'? 'Beautiful Tara'? 'Smarter-Than-Me Tara'? 'Best Damn Thing To Ever Happen to Me Tara'? I tried all those and more, you know? I'm sitting here in the middle of the bed surrounded by little crumpled pieces of paper - all the failed starts I had thought of before realizing that just 'Tara' says all those things to me.

If you're still reading this, I think you've got that soft little half smile on your face - if I close my eyes, I can see it.

But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing to tell you that you were right. You were right to leave me, you were right that I have a problem, and you've been right to stay away. If you had stayed, I would have continued using magick as a 'quick fix,' but you've made me see that sometimes there is no quick fix. And sometimes there is a quick fix, but the consequences of using it - they're not worth it.

It's been three days now. It seems like so much longer. I haven't used any magick in three days, and it's so damn hard. I'll be going about my day, and I'll start to cast, not even realizing that I'm doing it - just subconsciously feeling like I need to... like I can just wave my hand and make whatever problem I'm facing go away. And sometimes the urge is so strong, I start shaking, knowing that it would be so easy to just give in. It's hard, but I'm trying... taking one day at a time.

But I've realized that that's not who I want to be. I don't want to be that person who hurt you so easily. I don't want to be someone who is controlled by magick. I don't want to be someone who's so doggedly sure that the ends justify any means.

I want that for me. Even as things stand, with you out of my life, I want - no, I need - to be a better person. I want to be the girl you fell in love with. I want to be someone who's a good enough person to deserve your love, even if I never have it again.

I miss you. I miss you so damn much. And sometimes, something specific will remind me of you, and I can't breathe. I'll just stop and feel this emptiness in my chest. It's hard and it hurts, but I don't blame you, Baby. God, how could I?

Three days ago, I almost cast a spell. It hurt so bad I thought... I couldn't take it, Love. I came so close to casting a spell on myself so I would Forget - forget I knew you, forget I loved you. Forget I had been loved by you.

I couldn't do it. I had everything laid out and ready to go - I was so close to making the pain stop that I felt this overwhelming relief. But I couldn't do it. In that moment, I realized that you're the best part of me, and I couldn't lose that.

I'm sorry, Baby. I know that those simple words will never be enough. I know that what I did was unforgivable, but I had to tell you. I had to say it in hope that one day, maybe, you'd be able to look back on Us and smile at the good times, instead of hurting about how it was - how I was - at the end.

And I needed you to know that I love you. I will always love you.

I don't expect you to ever come back, but I'm hoping for it. I just want you to know that there's a place here in my heart that's all yours, if you ever want it - if you ever want me.

Always,
Willow

[Rane]

shanie dollface, i SUCK at letters. honestly.

my letter would be something like:

Tara,

I love you.

Always,

Willow

i can never find the way to say what i want to say. all the letters written so far capture exactly what i'd write yet dont have the words.

As for those that have posted: great job, kitties!

[legend]

These letters are true masterpieces! Totally perfect, yet totally heartbreaking! YOU GUYS ROCK! WELL DONE

[Spell Gal]

Hmm, okay, some of what I came up with has been covered a bit, but here it goes anyway...

My beloved Tara,

I know that this comes to late, I only hope that you will read this. You tried to warn me, but I wouldn't listen. I was seduced, when your sweet voice should have been my only seduction. You tried to pull me back, you tried to love me, and I wouldn't let you. I drove you away. For that I will always be sorry. Nothing makes sense without you. You are my heart, my soul, my life. You are the only magic I need. I love you my Tara. I am yours - always.

Your Willow

------------------
And how long have you known that your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?

[Shaniezak]

I never expected the letter to take this angle when I set out to write it, but it did . . . and I think it worked. At least, I hope so.

(TX, Shadow, Sass, Junky . . . find my little inside-joke nod to you! )

Tara,

Do you remember the song you sang to me that day in the park, when the dancing zoot suit demon came to town? I do. I remember it really well. I sorta can't help it, you've got such a beautiful voice, you know?

You sang for me a few times before then, but that one last time was different from anything else. I guess that's because you're so shy and you don't think you can sing most of the time, but you're wrong about that. I've never heard anyone who sings like you do — when I hear your voice it's like I can see this golden light wrapping around me. I can breathe it in and it's sweeter and headier than any incense, and I can feel it warm me better than the fluffiest blanket. That sounded kinda silly, didn't it? I can't help it. Thinking about you makes me feel like the biggest goof in the world. Or maybe I just am the biggest goof in the world.

But oh god, Tara, that one time . . . when you sang to me in the park, I felt it in every nerve of my body. All you had to do that day was open your mouth and the music poured out of you like it never did before. Can a caress be made of pure sound? I didn't think it could, but when I heard you sing, I was under your spell, the exact same spell you cast on me every time you touch me. When I heard you sing, I knew how much you loved me, even more surely than I knew from the way you couldn't stop touching me in the shop just a little while before that. When I heard you sing, I wanted you more than I ever thought I could, and all we were doing was holding hands. I couldn't help it — your voice, and your beautiful eyes, and the smile on your lips . . . they just did something to me.

All of those feelings burned into my heart and my soul, and now your song just keeps playing in my head like it's on an endless loop. Every time I hear it, it makes more sense to me, and I understand more and more.

Do you really feel that way, baby? Do you really think that the only reason you're as wonderful as you are is because I love you? Every time I realize the meaning behind your words, it makes me cry. 'Cause you're so much more than just the girl that Willow Rosenberg loves with all her heart.

How could I have fallen in love with nothing? Everything you are that makes you special, that makes you the woman I had a million silly affectionate names for, all of that — it was all part of the Tara Maclay whom I still love, way before the very first time we met in that dumb Wicca group.

Because Tara, there is so much to love about you, and anyone who can't see that is just damn stupid. There's the way you take care of people because you hate to see anyone in pain. There's how smart you are, and how much you love to read and learn things that most people wouldn't even bother to know, and how you figure out ways to apply them to your life. There's the way you can find beauty in the most ordinary things, like a weedy kind of plant growing up through the sidewalk, or the sky on a cloudy day, or a geeky little nobody like me. And I never really understood what it is that you saw in me, but I learned to just trust in the fact that you loved me, so there must have been something there, right?

But now you're gone, and I don't know if anybody will ever bother to look for those things in me again. And I kind of hope no one does. It's like those things are a secret, a special secret I only want you to know. Like a sacred treasure. Even then, I really wish . . . well, I don't know what I wish. Except for one thing.

I wish you'd realize how special you are. Not just because I love you (even though I do, with all my soul) but because you really are. Special, I mean. Just for being you. If you weren't, I think everybody here would be a lot happier right now.

You're not here, and we all miss you, baby. Dawn and me especially, but we all do. Buffy and Xander don't really say it, but they both seem kinda gloomy. Anya misses you and makes sure everybody knows it. Even Spike looks disappointed when he shows up and realizes you're not there. Ever since you left it's like somebody got happy with a pin and poked all of our balloons, and now they're all sorta leaky.

And it's not like they all miss you only because you were my girlfriend, either, and now that you're not there's this big empty space beside me all the time. (Even though there is.) Every time some new demony badness starts a-brewin' and Xander spazzes, you can hear Anya complaining from halfway across town that if you were here, we might get more done 'cause without Giles around you're the most levelheaded Scooby in the Gang. (Can you hear her from halfway across town, or wherever you are?) Oh yeah, and she says she misses having someone around to talk to who doesn't spend half the time trying to take the wind out of her sails. (You know, when she gets going on some long ramble?) And then Xander gets all embarrassed, but then he agrees. Dawn misses you a lot, too. Nobody else knows how to deal with her as well as you do, and she seems really mopey.

See what I mean? They all miss you for being you. Not the way I miss you, of course, but they do. Without you here, the Scooby Gang is a really weird thing. It's not at all like it was before I met you, because now that everybody has gotten to know you and care about you, they don't know how to deal with you being gone. I don't know how to deal with you being gone.

Am I making any sense? I don't feel like I am. It's getting a little bit hard to see what I'm writing through all the tears. I haven't cried like this in weeks since you left, but now I feel like a big gigantic tropical storm. Tropical Storm Willow. And it feels good, I guess. In a weird kinda way.

I love you, Tara. I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you . . . but I don't know how to make things better any more. I thought I knew, but I don't. What am I supposed to do without you?

This is the point where someone's supposed to tell me that I'll learn to move on. But I don't want to move on. I don't want to imagine a future without you, so now I'm living just for the present. Kind of like when Buffy went through that whole mummy hand time loop thing. If the next hour I live doesn't have you in it, I don't want it to arrive.

So I don't know where I'm going from here. And I just won't give up hope that someday we can have that future together, again. But no matter what happens, Tara, I want you to know that you are the most exquisite person I've ever known: the warmest heart, the most sensual lover, the brightest light in this world. I'm starting to think that you were right, and that what I'm doing isn't so good. Sometimes I think I see that, and I'm starting to believe it. And I don't know if I'll ever be worthy enough for you to take me back. How could you, after what I did?

But whether or not you do . . . I just hope that you finally see how very special you are. And no matter what happens, I will always love you for that. Always.

Forever,
Willow

[This message has been edited by Shaniezak (edited November 22, 2001).]

[xita]

Lovely letters, shanie I am glad you finished it, seeing as I saw you writing a bit of it. I decided to head here after seeing Shanie write hers.. so here's my try, I am deviating a little from your premise but I guess I have my own issues to deal with about this.

My dearest Tara,

I know I shouldn’t bother you with my writing, but I have to do this. It’s part of the path I am on... to try to make up for the things I’ve done. You are the person I have hurt the most and this fills my nights and days with pain.

I am sorry.

I don’t need your forgiveness, but I need you to know that I was wrong. I feel such shame and disgust at the things I have done. When I remember that you saw me like... that, at my absolute worst, it’s hard to go on. But I do it for you, for others, my friends; I do it to prove that your love for me wasn’t in vain. I am getting better and I live because when my life was at stake, the hope of seeing your face again made me live. I wanted to see you once more and tell you how sorry I was. Sorry for what I put you through, sorry for letting you see me like that.

I am trying to get better. It isn’t easy but if I ever have any chance of redemption, it starts with you. I want to look in your eyes and not see disgust. Let me show you I can be a better person. I am a good person. And I am starting to feel it Tara. I look inside and I like what I see. I have never felt that in my whole life. I have always wanted to be someone else, something better. It’s so good to get up in the morning and feel comfortable with who I am.

And I won’t lie to you. I love you. I don’t want to put any pressure on you. And I am not suggesting we even get back together. But I do love you. I always have and I always will. I never stopped loving you. I want to have another chance with you. I do, more than anything, I want that. But I understand that there’s a lot of things between us now. One day I will come back to you and I will be me, Willow the one you always knew. I think you knew her better than I did. You could always see through me. Well, I am getting to know her too and she’s kind of cool. I am not going to give up... not till you tell me to go away. I will write to you till you tell me to stop, till you tell me you don’t ever want to see me. I would understand Tara. I would not blame you for that. But if you do... if you want to give me a chance, then just read these letters... that’s all you have to do. I will tell you about my life and you can decide if you ever want more with me. I’ll be here waiting. When your life is slipping from your grasp things become quite clear. I love you Tara.

Sorry does not begin to cover how I feel, but it’s a start.

your Willow

[legend]

Shanie, Xita - dear God, what have you done to me! Turned me into a mumbling, sobbing mess at my computer. Those were touching words, and really tugged at the heart strings. Thank you!

[Puff]

To all the people who have submitted letters so far, THANK YOU so very much. It has been really amazing too read what you have written and has affected me to the point of tears.

Thanks also to TX and Shadow for putting the idea into the hearts of the writers.

[nika]

Chance,shanie,xita and sassette *sob* *sniffle* clap-clap-clap (nika humbly bows,while wiping her nose)

------------------
"Eat lot's of applesauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians." Amber Benson

[nika]

Ok here's my take on things though sassete, chance, shanie, and xita's were much much better (I lay my pen at your feet).

Tara

I never thought it would come to this me here alone writing to you what I can't speak because you're there, elsewhere not with me.
I couldn't - wouldn't see what was right in front of me, you tried, I know you tried to reach me, but I was too far away to hear, too far gone to even care. You knew before anybody that I had a problem, you knew what it would do to me, to us and I was too blind and deft to understand. You see, I just assumed you would always be there.
I didn't stop to think how I was hurting you and by trying to keep you bound to me outside of your will I lost you. You were right, how could I violate your mind like that?
I'm sure you've heard all of the terrible mistakes I've made, but I understand now what went wrong. I wasn't in control of the power, the power was controlling me, I came to think it was all I needed, that if I could harvest it and make it grow everything would be fine again, I would show everyone how useful all that power could be. I convinced myself I was making a sacrifice for the good of the world. I even believed that if I waited enough you would see you were wrong and you would come back to me, isn't that funny in a non-funny sort of way?
I'm not used to being so wrong about so many things all at once. I know there isn't an apology big enough in this world that could make up for the things I said and did to you, but I have to start somewhere, so I'll begin with this I'm sorry , I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I know you need time and space away from me, heck I wish I could take a time out from me, I just want to able to look you in eyes again someday without feeling ashamed of myself. I'm trying to make things right, trying to become that person that you fell in love with in the beginning, that girl that you thought was special. I haven't done a spell in two weeks, it seems like longer though, I won't lie to you it hasn't been easy and some days are harder than others, but I'm trying, really I am. I know you probably don't want to see me and I want to see you only when I'm certain that you won't be dissapointed by what you see, did that make any sense?
That's just one of the millions of things I miss about you, you're the only one who's ever really understood my babbling brook of words. I want a chance to make things right between us, so I can get back all those millions of things that I miss. I know I have a long way to go before I even deserve that chance, but I want to try.
I understand now that love without trust can't survive and if I have to spend the rest of my life rebuilding that trust I will.
Tara I love you more than any words I could ever express, I need you more than sunshine or magic. I get it now you are my magic and I let you go. Please accept my apologies for all I've put you through and think about giving us another chance. I'll wait how ever long it takes. I know I broke the last promise I ever made to you but I swear on everything that's holy that I won't break this one : I promise you that from this forward I'll live to show you how much I love you and how much I care, I vow to erase your pain with my kisses and embrace, no more lies, only the love I know I can give you.
Please if there's one speck of hope don't say no, think about it baby.
I know our love is real and I hope it's not too late to pick the pieces that I shattered, give me the chance to make this right. It's so hard to breathe without you, forgive my foolish pride, let me come back to you. I want to find my way home.

I love you. Yours always, Willow.

[Sassette]

These are truly fabulous, guys... I finally had time to read them all, and they're great - every last one of them.

Can I just say I love this board?

Thanks for writing these, and a big Thank You to TX and Shadow for introducing the topic.

-Sassette

[Wiccagrrl]

Oh, these are so wonderful. Loving reading them. Needing my tissues handy though.

------------------
Tracy

Hear that Baby? You're my always.

[RomanceJunky]

Hi Shanie Baby! I caught it!!! Thanks for the nod to a really GOOD author...who says kitties and puppies can't play nice together???

The Junky...these letters have been great...does anyone have a tissue???

------------------
"Next year...shits gonna go down...her relationship with Tara will continue---but the course of True Love is never easy."
Joss Whedon-"OUT" magazine, August 2001

[Kirk B]

You know, I was really excited to give this a shot...until I read Xita's and I realized I could never do anything to even begin to compare to that.

But as much in awe as I am of all you guys, I figure it's safe to throw my hat into the mix as well.

So, here goes:

Tara--

I love you.

I just wanted to start with that right off the bat, just in case it wasn't clear from all my other letters.

I love you more than I thought it was possible to love anyone. You are a part of my heart and my soul, and I feel so empty inside knowing that not only are you gone, but I'm the one who drove you away.

I thought giving up on my magick would be hard, and it is, but not nearly as hard as waking up every morning and not having you there beside me. I miss you so much, I don't even have the words to describe it.

I always thought it was important that I be the best at whatever I do. Computers, the magick. But that's not what's important. Not really. In the long run, the only thing in my life I really want to excel at, from this day forward, is proving to you that I am, or one day will be again, worthy of basking in your wonderful light.

Dawn's angry with me. Buffy's pretty mad too. Anya's...well, Anya, and I've never seen so much disappointment in Xander's face as I'm seeing now. Even Spike acts like he's better than me right now, and I'm not really sure he's wrong either.

I'm not asking you to come back, because I know I don't deserve you. But baby, I just can't imagine living the rest of my life not seeing you. Even if it is just as a friend, even in passing, I can't go through this by myself. I need you. I know I have no right to ask this, to say this, but goddess Tara, I need you so much it hurts.

Almost as much as being without you. Almost.

Yours forever,

Willow

------------------
Kirk B

"A Willow is a tree that weeps, but Tara is firmer and will hold.”

Hear that baby? You're my always.

I got so lost.
I found you. I will always find you.

[This message has been edited by Kirk B (edited November 23, 2001).]

[Shadowriter]

*points at Rhi and TX* It's all their fault.
hope you like it -- Shadow
---------

Tara,

I'm writing this letter while everyone else is asleep in bed. It's past three in the morning, and despite the hour and being exhausted, I can't sleep. I can hear Buffy snoring in her bedroom, and when I checked on Dawn she was completely out. But, every time I close my eyes, I just see -- you.

It's been a long day, after a very long night, and an awful battle. Buffy was hurt, and so was Anya. We almost lost Xander.

We almost lost everything.

The plan was for Xander and Anya to draw the demon out. Dawn and I were to wait in the reserves while Buffy and Spike took him down. But... it didn't happen that way.

I should have stayed put. I should have just stuck with Dawn. Anya told me that my magic couldn't hurt this demon. But -- I wanted to try.

I kept throwing everything I had at the bad guy, but nothing was working. Finally, I was standing there, with him just a few feet in front of me, and Dawn directly behind me. There was nothing left -- I couldn't even conjure a fireball. Dawn grabbed my arm and pulled me away. Together, we headed into the trees.

We could hear Buffy and Spike fighting behind us, and then Anya screamed. I think Xander joined the battle, and when he went down, Anya came forward and that's when she got hit. She's okay, it's just a flesh wound, but it bled a lot. And Xander sprained his wrist.

Buffy has a giant gash across one shoulder. But she'll heal.

Anyway.... I was in the woods with Dawn. We got lost -- nothing new in that, is there. It seemed a lot like the night we brought Buffy back. I was just as exhausted, if not more so, and I passed out on Dawn at least twice. She was freaking -- even after we got back she was freaking. I don't blame her. I really screwed up, and almost got us all killed.

I fainted in the woods. Dawn stayed with me, calling for Buffy every few minutes. She was holding my hand and was really scared. You know what I told her? I told her, "Don't worry. Tara always knows how to find me."

I still believe that. I have to.

So, anyway, then Spike found us, and he and Xander got us home. Buffy was wrapping a bandage around Anya's arm when we walked in. It was pretty quiet for a few minutes, until Spike left, and Dawn crawled into bed. And then.....

Anya yelled. Xander was his wonderful sarcastic self. And Buffy was ....Buffy was furious. I've never seen her so mad. While Xander and Anya yelled, she just waited. And when they left, I knew I was in for it. She never even looked at me. She just closed the door and started walking up the stairs. She stopped half way up, and said, "Willow? There will be no more magic in this house. Get it under control, or..."

She didn't say anything else, but I knew what the next words were.

It's been over 24 hours now, and I haven't left the house, or cast a spell since then.

Buffy actually spoke to me today, and Dawn came to my room -- our room -- yours and mine -- before she went to bed. She asked if I was okay, and said there was ice cream if I wanted any. I told her I was okay, and I might have some later. Small steps, right?

Xander called to let us know Anya's fine. I apologized to him, and he said it was okay, but that Anya probably wouldn't talk to me for a while. I said I understood.

And the good thing -- or at least I think it's a good thing -- the good thing is that I do, finally understand I mean. I understand why they're angry, and what I've been doing -- and most of all I understand why you left.

I sat there in the kitchen after Buffy went to bed. And I realized that I really did miss the magic. I needed the magic. I craved the magic.

What I'd forgotten was that the magic wasn't in casting spells or having this power -- it was in our love. It was the way I felt when you looked at me, and the way your eyes lit up when you smiled at me. It was you. You were the magic in my life. And I want that back.

When things began to go bad, no matter what it was, I tried to use this other magic to make it right. When you left, I tried to fill myself with this power so I'd feel better. But it wasn't enough. It became something I couldn't control, something that almost controlled me in the end. And it wasn't even what I wanted.

What I want is you. What I want is our love back, and to wake up in the middle of the night and know you're there. Know I'm not alone anymore. I was never alone when I was with you -- that was part of the magic of
you.

So, I'm quitting. No more casting. No more spells, no more fake magic, no more charms, or potions or anything. If I never ever cast another spell, I wouldn't care. Because the only magic that's real, and that I care about, is the magic that you and I make together.

I pray I'll get a second chance at it. I pray to everything good in this world that I'll feel your magic once again. Your love. I do so love you.

I know you won't want to see me for a while yet. And I understand that, too. I think it's a good idea, actually. I know that the next little while is going to be difficult. Even a day without casting, and I feel... twitchy. So, I know it's not going to be just a walk in the park.

But, I will do it. I will kick this -- habit -- I've developed. I promise you that.

And when you're ready -- I'll be waiting for you to find me. I'll be waiting for you to return. Waiting for my magic to come back.

I love you. Don't ever doubt that.

You are the only magic I will ever need.

Willow

[TrueXena]

Ok, since everyone has been so kind as to post a letter to this challenge, I'll do the same. Thanks to everyone who is helping me with my therapy, its really working well I think. (reminder, I'm NOT a writer, so this might totally suck, but here goes....)
---------

Tara,

You are my everything, and I've lost you. How do I go on now? I wake up each morning from the nightmare of you walking out of my life, only to find it is fact, and you're really gone. So starts the waking nightmare that is my life. When I think of the love that we shared, and how special it was that we found each other, I cry. Not for me, I cry for you. For I know I'm the reason it is lost. I've hurt you so much, and I can still see the pain in your eyes, your face, your soul, that I caused, and the nightmare continues.

No words I could ever say will take the knowledge of hurting you so badly away. I wont even ask you to forgive me. I cant, I know my pain is so much less than yours, and I deserve every bit of it. You didn't deserve the pain that I caused you. I know I have to pay for that, for the rest of my life. I will, I know that, its just how things have to be. My debt will never be repaid for the pain I heaped onto you. I'm so sorry, to be the cause of that pain.

I can remember the times when I looked into your eyes, and saw only love. I could feel your love for me, your love for life, I felt it with every breath I took, and with every part of my soul. With just one look from you, I knew everything in my world was right. I want to see that love shine in your eyes again. Someday maybe, I'll be able to see that again, and I'll be able to breath again.

I saw you on campus yesterday, actually I felt you, before I saw you. I was sitting in the library researching a paper, and I could feel you. The warmth that is only you was there. I could almost smell you. I thought for sure I'd gone insane. Only to look up and there you were. I thought my world was crashing down around me. I wanted to run to you, take you into my arms and kiss you right there. I wanted to plead with you, to take me back and forgive me. My heart stopped beating and my chest threatened to collapse. You looked happy, and knowing you were happy put a smile on my face. The band around my heart just got tighter. 'Cuz I know now, that you can and will be happy, even if your not in my life, and that knowledge hurt. I watched you check out some books and left. I wanted so much to follow you, and just maybe talk to you. To know that you really were ok. But my feet wouldn't work, and by the time my body started to work again, you were gone.

Dawn tries not to mention the days she spends with you, when I'm in the room. I think she wants to spare me or something. So I usually leave so she can tell Buffy all about it. But I stay close enough to hear it. It hurts to hear about the fun you two share, but I need to hear it. Dawn really enjoys the time you spend with her, I can hear it in her voice as she relates the days events with Buffy. I think Dawn is hoping we will get back together. I cant say I don't hope for the same thing, but I'm becoming "Reality" girl. I know that that day might never come, and my love will forever be lost.

Words will never explain the sorrow I feel for having caused you pain. For doing such wrong things to you. I'll never forgive myself, I don't expect you to forgive me. I just want you to know, I love you. I will always love you. I love you. You will always be my everything. I love you. I miss you. I love you. I want you. I love you. I need you. I love you. I'm sorry.

Forever yours,
Willow

------------------
Later dayz,
TrueXena

"I'm so evil, and skanky...and I think I'm kinda gay."

[TrueXena]

I LOVE YOUR LETTER SHADOW!!! YOU ROCK!!!

Love you too. Miss you too, cant wait for March!

------------------
Later dayz,
TrueXena

"I'm so evil, and skanky...and I think I'm kinda gay."

[miss_spangles]

Wow, everyone's so talented! I'm really loving this thread!