[FIC] Tired Eyes

[SeanGaffney]

This is a fic I started with much enthusiasm and high hopes after Tabula Rasa... and then stopped with a crunch after seeing Smashed and Wrecked go in a very different direction. The dangers of writing too slowly. However, I think it can be salvaged, and I can always do the old fallback "This takes place after x and ignores y" thing. ^_^ It's about halfway finished, and I'll be working on it more this weekend, but I wanted to post what I have to get Kitty opinions and see what needs to be rewritten.

Thanks! Hope this works, I've never posted fic here before...

Tired Eyes

by Sean Gaffney

Buffy the Vampire Slayer (C) 2001 by all the people who own it. They own everyone in this. This takes place after the episode Tabula Rasa. Smashed and Wrecked didn't happen here.

Willow stumbled across the park, not bothering to see where she was going. She had to go, had to get away, had to find... no, she couldn't find Tara, couldn't go near Tara, can't go near her friends.

Her mind was racing so fast she couldn't keep up with it, going over everything she'd done these past four months since the breakup and screaming at her. Stupid! Idiot! Suddenly everything she'd done seemed the height of arrogance and selfishness.

All her actions since then... restoring Amy to humanity, then the two of them going on a wild magic bender, slowly driving away all her friends. It had finally ended tonight, ended with a spell that both of them could cast but neither could control. And now Amy was dead, and Willow was fleeing in terror.

She'd neutralized the spell... she knew she had. She just reached out her hand, and it was gine with a flicker. But now she couldn't stop... she felt the magic roiling within her, begging her to use it, saying that she had to get rid of it, had to get it out of her body, had to CAST A SPELL...

She threw herself down on the ground, back against a tree. Her palms face down, she was already muttering against her will, not even sure what she was casting anymore.

For a few moments there was just a white light in front of her eyes, and then it faded. Her eyes widened as she took in the ravaged landscape. The ground for 50 feet around her was blackened and charred. She fell backwards, the hollowed out shell of a tree crumbling into ash against her back.

She began to cry, and tried to curl up into a ball, but her body wasn't listening to her any more. Instead she fell onto her side, hands curled slightly against her chest. Her breath was coming in great heaving gasps, but she knew that another spell was just waiting for her to catch her breath...

And then someone was holding her, and whispering something in her ear, and she *knew* that voice, and even though it tore her up inside to be near her, she relaxed almost instantly. She knew she was safe.

"Tara..." she whispered, her voice raspy and hoarse.

"I'm here."

"Tara... I need help."

"I know. We'll help you. I promise."

Willow was babbling by now, couldn't stop herself. "I tried to run, but there was nowhere to run to, and Amy is dead, and there's nowhere for me to go, the magic is eating me up, and I had to get away from Sunnydale, I had to get away..."

And there was a hand on her forehead, moving to touch her eyes and her lips.

"Don't you remember, Willow? I will always find you."

And then Willow felt darkness descend upon her. For the first time in weeks, she fell into a dreamless sleep.

***

When Tara stumbled into the Magic Box, Willow a dead weight over her shoulder, the others were already there. She'd called them as soon as she'd felt what was happening. Not the constant influx of magical energies there had been during the past four months, as Willow and Amy broke more and more rules and boundaries. No, this was a sharp and almost painful burst of magic, one that sent a shiver of fear through her heart.

Buffy gasped when Tara walked in. "Oh my God!" she cried, and walked over to take Willow from Tara's exhausted form. "What happened?"

Tara slumped into a chair. "There was a spell that went wrong, she said. I think Amy is dead. That might be what caused her to start doing this to herself."

"What's the matter with her? And why are we helping her now when we didn't before?" Anya asked.

"An!" Xander yelled.

"What? It's a legitimate question. We were avoiding her, and now we care again?"

Tara held up a hand. "We're helping her because her life is in danger. And also because she asked for help. She never said that before, not even to me."

Buffy hopped from one foot to the other awkwardly. Seeing Tara take charge like this made her feel a little jumpy, even if she was likely the one who knew Willow better than any of them, especially Willow the Witch. "So what happens now?"

Tara pushed a few strands of hair back from her head. "I put a mild spell on her to make her sleep soundly... it's something I couldn't have done without her permission, so I think it will be OK." She felt a quick tinge of anger, remembering a spell that Willow had done to her without permission, but shoved that aside. This wasn't the time.

"I need to call Mr. Giles... there's a containment spell that's used for certain types of magic users that I think I can cast. After that it's just a matter of waiting. The spell should ensure that she'll be cut off from using magic. But she'll still want to. We have to sit there and talk to her, keep her company, until she recovers."

"Sounds like drug withdrawal," Xander said.

"It's similar. Magic isn't a drug... but magic users sometimes treat it like it was, and Willow has been using it almost constantly the past few days."

Anya was looking at Willow nervously. She and Willow had never been the best of friends, and Willow behavior lately had made the ex-demon even more cautious. "So we watch over her while she goes through the Wiccan DTs, then she won't do magic anymore?"

Tara sighed. "I don't know if that's possible. Willow has a lot of magic power in her. Getting rid of it would drain her so much she might not even survive. This isn't like giving up drinking. We need to teach Willow how to use her powers again."

Buffy was hitting the punching bag now, trying to work off some excess frustration. "Willow and magic are what caused this entire problem!"

"No, it was *how* Willow learned magic. Look, I grew up with the knowledge that I'd be a witch one day. My mother taught me for years before she died, when my father and brother were out of the house. And I was always taught to respect my limits, and the limits of those I called upon for power. It was drilled into me again and again. But Willow is almost totally self-taught. She got some things from Amy and Miss Calendar, but by the time I met her... she was already a lot more powerful than anyone with her experience had a right to be. She's learned about power, but hasn't learned about the traditions. And when it comes to magic, knowing tradition is what can stand between..." Tara almost stopped, but decided to finish her sentence. "Good and evil."

The others stared at her. No one knew what to say to that. Tara looked down after a moment, uncomfortable with the stares.

"Buffy, can you watch her for a few minutes while I call Mr. Giles? Then hopefully I can perform the ritual, and I'll take the first shift while you go out on patrol."

Buffy nodded. "Of course. Oh, can you call Dawn too? Might be running a little late."

Tara looked slightly flustered. "Um... I dunno, I haven't talked to Dawn in a while..."

Buffy smiled at her. "It's OK. She feels bad about the way she acted when you left. She told me. Call her, it'll make her happy."

Tara allowed herself a small smile. "OK."

Xander and Anya glanced back at Willow. "Um... we're going to go get an early night..." Xander glanced at his watch, "a *really* early night, and then come back and take over the watch?"

"We're what?" Anya protested, but Xander was already manuevering her out the door. "Wait a minute, I can't just leave them here! The shop needs to be locked up, and I never put away those artifacts from..." And then they were out of range.

Tara stared after them for a bit, then turned back to Buffy. "I'd better make those calls."

Buffy nodded. "We'll be here." Tara nodded and walked back into the store.

Buffy looked down at Willow, who looked almost peaceful. She remembered feeling this way once before, with Faith. A feeling that there was something she could have done, something she could have said that would have fixed everything, but at the crucial moment, she'd failed.

She'd thought that growing up might give her some clue as to how to handle this. No, it only seemed to bring bigger problems.

"Willow, I hope this works," she whispered. "I miss you."

***

Tara felt even more weary after getting off the phone. She'd had a lengthy conversation with Giles, where the two of them had taken turns blaming themselves for everything that had happened. He had reassured her that she should be able to contain Willow for at least a few days, and that would hopefully be enough. If not... well, if not, Tara wasn't sure what would happen.

Her conversation with Dawn was shorter but much sweeter, mostly consisting of Dawn apologizing and asking what Tara had been doing. Tara understood why Dawn had been upset... her mother had died, Buffy had died and still hadn't been herself on her return, and Giles was leaving. Tara leaving on top of that had just made Dawn a big emotional mess. Still, that didn't mean that Tara's heart didn't feel much lighter as she realized that Dawn no longer blamed her for anything.

She walked back into the back room, where Buffy sat on a stack of mats staring at Willow. Tara wondered what she was thinking. Buffy had known Willow longer than she had, and in some ways was closer to Willow than Tara was. Tara hoped that that friendship would survive everything that had happened.

"I talked with Mr. Giles... he thinks that we can do a containment spell that can last for five days, if we use a couple of ingredients from the shop." Tara reached into a pocket and put some money on the counter. "After that, it's mostly up to Willow what happens next."

Buffy sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "Well, let's hope everything works out." She hopped up. "Do you need anyone else? I can go get Anya... she's the one who knows where everything is now."

Tara shook her head. "Let her and Xander rest... everyones going to need all the sleep they can get for a while. And Anya always has everything laid out very logically... I can find it. I'm OK here Buffy, really. You should go patrol. I'll cast the spell and watch over her, then call Xander about midnight. You go sleep, and come back in the morning."

Buffy nodded, but didn't look ready to leave. "Tara... I, um..."

"What is it?"

Buffy sighed. "I wanted to apologize. After you and Willow broke up, we didn't talk to you or anything... didn't stay connected. I mean, here I was telling you that you were one of the Scoobies, and then I never even called you."

Tara shook her head. "Everyone had their own problems. It... I didn't really leave all that pleasantly. Besides, Anya's been keeping me updated."

Buffy blinked. "Anya? Really? Xander didn't say anything."

"It's just been Anya calling, actually... she called me up as soon as I got a temporary room back at the university." Tara smiled a bit. "She said Xander had told her something about how friends get divided up after a breakup, like a divorce. She thought that was really stupid, and so gave me a call. It's been nice... Anya's really a nice person once you get used to her."

Tara winced as Buffy looked even more guilty. "I should have called. I have a problem with moral support... it doesn't come easy to me."

Tara reached out and took her hand. "It's OK. Buffy, you already protect everyone in this town every night. Don't try and be a superwoman... well, anymore than you already are."

Buffy's lips twitched. "Everyone keeps saying that, but somehow it never seems good enough. Anyway, we did miss you, Tara. We'll talk more in the morning." And with that she quickly left the store, not looking back.

Tara sighed. A lot had changed sine she'd left the Summers house, but Buffy still didn't appear to be entirely 'back to normal'. They'd probably simply have to give up and redefine normal... it's possible Buffy would never go back to the way she was.

Tara looked back at Willow, and checked her lids. Still asleep, she thought. She quickly moved over to one of the drawers, looking for a root she needed. Best to get started, that way it would be sooner when Willow would recover.

And then what?, a rebellious part of her mind thought. Tara shoved the thought away and grabbed a cylindrical stone.

***

Willow's return to consciousness came slowly. Her body hadn't rested in so long it was reluctant to even let her eyelids peel open. And there was something missing, something that she desperately needed. What was it? She reached out to try and see if she could scry... and came up against a brick wall.

Her powers were gone. No magic.

Her eyes snapped open and she got to her feet. Unfortunately, this was all she could manage, and her head spun as the room swam crazily about her. She stumbled to the side and started to fall, but was stopped by a pair of arms around her. She'd felt those arms only hours before, and would recognize them anywhere.

"Tara, my magic's gone," she breathed.

"Willow, it's OK. It's not gone forever."

Willow's hands were shaking. "No, you don't understand, Tara, I need it. I mean, I won't hurt anyone, I promise, but I can't be without it at all, it's just been too long, it's doing things to me--"

"No," Tara's voice said, but Willow wasn't listening. She looked around the room.

"There's a spell here. You're taking my magic from me. Tara, why are you doing that? You know about magic, you know what it means to me, why are you taking it away from me?"

Willow paused, staring in disbelief at Tara. There was a look on her face that Willow had seen more and more of as their relationship had deteriorated. It was that strong look. The look that Tara had when she was doing something necessary.

"Willow, the magic isn't doing anything *to* you. You're doing this to yourself. Your mind is telling you that you need the magic, and it's--"

"Why are you doing this to me? Is this some sort of sick revenge? Oh God, that's it. This is all because of what I did, and now you're trying to get even."

Tara's face crumpled. "No, Willow, I promise that's not it at all."

But Willow had turned away. "Please go away, please go away, oh god please go away, you're taking it all away from me, it hurts, Tara, why does it hurt so much?" She fell onto the ground again and began to cry.

She could hear Tara crying as well, but this time there were no comforting arms. At that moment the loss of her magic only became a secondary pain. She knew she was feeling the loss of her love, and that hurt much, much worse.

***

Tara emerged from the back room about two hours later. She was still crying. There had been more words exchanged in there, more hurt feelings. All of the mistrust and anger from their last fight about magic had come back, and the scars were still fresh. This was just as difficult as she'd imagined.

She wiped her eyes and remembered how much she loved Willow. Still loved Willow. This was why she was doing this. And all the hurt, angry words that Willow had said in there didn't change the fact that she knew Willow still loved her. They had both been through a lot to keep their love. More than most couples should bear. This was the worst, but it wouldn't break them.

She looked up as there was a knock on the door. She moved towards it, grabbing a stake from behind the counter in case it was someone she didn't exect. But it was only Xander standing there, hands in his pockets and looking much the same. In a world that could turn upside down in a second, it was reassuring to see Xander remain his affable self, even in the worst times.

"Hey," he said. "How is she?"

"She's... well, she's upset. But that's to be expected. This is necessary, and she knows that deep down. I think she wants to do this, it just hurts a lot. She might say things in there she doesn't mean, Xander. Don't listen to the words, listen to what's in between the words."

He grinned. "Deep. But don't worry, Tara. Willow and I have kown each other since we were born. There's not a lot we haven't said to each other. I'll be fine."

He scratched the back of his neck. "By the way... it's a long way back to the dorms, and you look dead on your feet. Why not go back to our place? Anya's put out the couch bed, and you'll be closer in case anything goes wrong, not that anything will go wrong."

Tara smiled. "That's sweet of you, thank you. Probably a good idea... I was actually considering just sleeping up on the railings..."

It looked as if Xander wanted to say more. "Um... while you're over there... Anya's not really all that wild about the watching over Willow thing. Can you maybe talk to her some more about how safe this is?"

"Xander, she doesn't have to do this if she doesn't want to. This isn't a ritual, we don't need aeveryone to contribute."

He shook his head. "This is something Willow needs. I don't care if it's not a ritual, we all need to be there. Hell, I'd even get Spike if I thought it'd do some good. The last thing we need is Willow being paranoid because someone doesn't come to see her and watch."

Tara realized that Xander was right. That would be exactly what Willow thought. She and Anya had never been very good friends, but that didn't matter, they still were Scoobies, and they still needed closure. "I'll go talk to her, then."

She opened the door, then turned back. "Xander... thank you."

"We'd do this for you too, Tara, you know that. For any of us."

"I know, but that's not it," she answered. "Thank you... for realizing that this isn't just about magic. And reminding me."

He grinned. "Anytime." And then he turned to the back room, squared his shoulders, and walked inside. There was a slight crackle as he went through the door.

Tara smiled, feeling a little bit more optimistic about everything. Then she headed out to Xander and Anya's apartment, locking the door behind her.

***

Xander was prepared for anything as he entered the back room. He had grown up with alcoholic parents, and had grown to learn all of their little tricks. He was ready for anything that Willow would do.

But she was just sitting slumped against a wall, staring at him. "Xander."

"Hey, Will," he said gently. "What's new?"

"Oh, not much," she responded. Her voice sounded very subdued. He wondered if arguing with Tara had drained all the fight from her. "The usual, alienating my friends, betraying my lover, getting people killed, everything you've come to expect."

He sat down next to her. "C'mon, Will, you know that's not true. We tried to help you all through this. But you weren't ready to listen to us."

She turned to him, and Xander tried not to wince at the raw pain coming from her face. "Xander, what do I do? There's no way back... I've done so much. I got Amy killed, Buffy won't come near me anymore, I bet Anya's terrified of me, and Tara... God, Xander, I was saying such horrible things. And what I did.. I used her. There's no going back from that. No way."

He put an arm around her, ignoring the shivering that developed. "Will, that just isn't true. All this time, while you've been away from us, I worried about you. We never stopped being friends. And it's the same with Buffy, just ask her."

Willow was shaking her head. "But Tara..."

"Will, Tara is doing all this for you. That's not the sort of thing that you do to someone you don't love anymore. You can see it in her eyes, Will. She adores you, and hates what you're doing to yourself."

For a few minutes, they simply sat there, leaning up against each other. It reminded Xander a bit of when they were kids, and would sit against a tree and watch the stars come out. For a moment, he wished he were that young and innocent again.

"Maybe I can try something to make sure I don't do this. I can cast a binding spell, make sure that I couldn't hurt anyone with magic." Willow was looking up, her eyes shining. "I'd need a little bit of hair from everyone... it's not that hard a spell, I could do it!" She turned to look at Xander. "Xander, please! Help me do this! It'd solve everything! Then I wouldn't be able to hurt anyone again!"

He stared at her for a few moments. "Willow, are you listening to yourself? You honestly expect yourself to stop doing dangerous magic by using a magic spell? What are we saying here!"

"No, no, you don't understand, Xander, it could work! I mean, I've got it all figured out! It's for everyone, not just me! You understand... don't you?" The last was said hesitantly. His face must be showing what he felt.

He smiled once more, and shook his head. Her face fell, and she slumped back against the wall and started to cry.

"It's OK, Willow..." he said. After that, though, there was no more conversation.

***

Anya was rudely woken by her alarm at 3:30 in the morning, a good five hours too early in her opinion. Sleep was something that was too be cherished, perhaps not as much as sex, but still a wonderful thing.

She briefly considered simply rolling over and going back to sleep. She and Willow had never been close, and weren't even what you'd consider friends. Still, she was Xander's friend, and was incredibly important to him, something that had been drilled into Anya every single day she'd been with him.

And besides, Xander had asked her to do it. As a favor to him.

She grumbled and got up. Being in love sucked sometimes.

As she walked into the main room, she saw Tara lying on the couch, staring at the ceiling. Anya blinked, she was surprised considering how exhausted she must be. "Still can't sleep?" Anya said.

Tara jolted, and stared at Anya. "Sorry, you startled me. I can't sleep... I tried for a while, but finally gave up. I was meditating, which usually helps me get a little bit of energy back. Is it time for you to go?"

Anya folded her arms. "Yes."

"Anya, it's OK. She can't do magic, so you're totally safe. And she's exhausted, so she's not going to physically attack you."

Anya waved a hand. "Oh, I'm not worried about that... well, much." She turned to face Tara, her face uncharacteristically serious. "What am I supposed to *say* to her? I mean, Xander is her best friend, and you're her lover, but the two of us only talk because Xander connects us. We don't fight like we used to... well, at least we didn't until she stopped coming around... but I mean, am I supposed to go over there and tell her to cheer up and get better? She'd think I was possessed."

Tara smiled. "Willow doesn't need to be lectured, Anya. She just needs to be watched. You don't have to say anything if you don't want to. Or you could talk about whatever you like. This isn't Magic Anonymous, you don't have to share anything."

"But I thought we were all going there to tell Willow to get better."

"Willow needs to do that herself. We're just there to show her that we haven't abandoned her. She knows you aren't her best friend, Anya... but I think just being there will mean a lot to her." Tara smiled, though she could feel the fatigue settling back in.

Anya frowned, but nodded. "Well, OK. But I reserve the right to be in a bad mood later on." She walked out the door, and Tara breathed easier.

"I hope Buffy and Dawn will be that easy," she murmured before settling back down and clearing her mind once more.

***

Willow lay back and stared at the wall. She didn't feel angry anymore, or sad. She didn't feel anything, except a giant hole in her soul where her life used to be. Everything she'd ever loved or cared about she'd ended up driving away. What was the point in caring about anything?

Xander had left a couple of minutes ago, so there'd be someone new to make sure she didn't try to escape or go crazy. She hoped it wasn't Buffy... she wasn't ready to face Buffy. On the other hand, she wasn't nearly ready to face Tara again, not after what happened last time. Maybe Xander was just using the bathroom or something, and he'd be back. He was safe.

She wished she had her magic. Just a simple spell to make everything better.

She closed her eyes, and remonstrated herself for approximately the twentieth time that day.

"Ah, you're asleep! What luck! This will be a lot easier than I thought."

Willow groaned inwardly, and opened her eyes. "I'm not asleep." Anya stood in front of her, still looking as smug and tactless as Willow remembered her.

"Oh," Anya replied, sounding disappointed. "Well then, welcome back! For the next four hours of your life, I will be staying with you, talking things out, and convincing you that life is good." She smiled and sat down next to Willow, on the opposite side from where Xander had been.

Willow merely turned and stared at the wall some more. It was a nice, reassuring wall. She didn't have to worry about conversation with the wall. The wall never judged her. She needed to spend more time with it when this was all over.

"So, you have to be curious about what's been going on while you've been out of touch. I'll fill you in. We should start with Tara, since you're probably most interested in her. Did you know she went to England for a while? Apparently she was going there to get away from things for a bit, and she ran into Giles! They ended up having quite a time, let me tell you, laced with all sorts of intrigue and adventure! She just got back a couple of weeks ago, I was quite pleased. She brought me a gift."

She wasn't going to shut up, Willow realized. Anya would quite cheerfully talk for four straight hours. God, this was sheer torture.

"Buffy's had her hands full, of course. There's her weird we're not in love, we just occasionally kiss each other passionately thing with Spike, which has helped her get in touch with her emotions again if nothing else. And she and Dawn have been fighting a lot lately. I think Dawn keeps trying to stop being treated like a child, but every time she does anything independent she gets menaced by a force of darkness and Buffy has to go rescue her. It can be rather depressing, I'd imagine."

I'm not actually here, Willow thought. I don't need magic, if I simply concentrate hard enough, I can teleport myself out of here by sheer force of God-I-Can't-Possibly-Listen-To-Any-More-Of-This will.

"And Xander and I are still utterly happy and in love, of course. We've been trying new things lately. After all, we don't want all the passion to die out of our relationship just because we're getting married. He's learned to do this thing with his tongue where he--"

"Anya?"

Anya stopped. "Yes?"

"Please don't tell me what Xander can do with his tongue."

Willow turned, and was startled to see a sly grin on Anya's face. "I knew that would get a reaction."

Willow stared for a moment, then turned back to the wall. She could hear Anya sigh and get up.

"Anyway, things haven't been all wonderful," she went on, despite seeing Willow wince. "Quite frankly, not a day goes by without someone turning to ask your opinion and realizing you aren't there. There's just this big ol' Wollowy hole where you just aren't anymore. And Xander is more short-tempered, and Buffy's quieter... it's just generally unpleasant. We move on, because you know, time flows forward and all, but quite frankly you picked a really really bad time to suddenly become a magic junkie."

Willow wanted to gape open-mouthed at Anya, but she wouldn't give her that satisfaction. Well, what did she expect? If anyone was going to come in here and be honest with her, Anya would be the one.

Anya sat down again, in front of her this time. It annoyed Willow, as Anya was now effectively blocking the wall. "So you should get better, right? Stop trying to draw powers from the spirits every ten seconds, because quite frankly I can assure you it just pisses a few of them off. Then you can be a nice, powerful yet responsible witch, and we can all forgive you and everything can go back to the way it was! Well, except for the park looking like a small tac nuke hit it. And that other girl being dead. But hey, you can't have everything..."

Anya was starting to look a little desperate, and Willow realized that she was babbling like this to avoid having Willow talk to her. She held up a hand. "Anya, it's OK. You don't have to talk to fill the empty space."

Anya nodded. "That's fine. I was told to talk and cheer you up, but Tara also said I could simply stare at you for a while, and that would work just as well. I'm here as a comforting presence, to let you know we care!" She smiled again.

Oddly enough, this whole experience did make Willow feel better. "Thanks."

"Here to help," Anya replied, and lay back against the wall next to Willow again.

The wall was back, Willow noted happily.

***

To be continued...

--SG

[mollyig]

I like it so far. Got angst and humour, the two essential ingredients for BTVS fanfics!

Especially liked the Anya bits. Anya frowned, but nodded. "Well, OK. But I reserve the right to be in a bad mood later on."

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Anya: You think it's sensible for me to go down into that pit of
cotton-top hell, and let them hippity-hop all over my vulnerable flesh?

[nika]

I love the way you're writing Anya. Good start for this fic, plus the Xander understanding willow's tricks because of his parents was very moving.

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"Eat lot's of applesauce, preferably fed to you by attractive young lesbians." Amber Benson

[legend]

WOW! What a wonderful opening chapter! You portray all the characters (especially Anya) perfectly!

Anxiously awaiting the next installment

[the_slayers_girl]

I love this story so far More please...

[emily 'first']

Yep..All of the above,plus my plea for more as well...Really good so far.

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vive,valeque.

[SeanGaffney]

Here's the next section. I even actually spellchecked it this time. I apologize profusely for all the typoes in the above part. ^^;;

You know, when I started writing this, my idea was, "You know, they're using Willow's magic addiction as a subtle drug metaphor. What if I made it less subtle?" Little did I know where Smashed and Wrecked were going... ah well.

***

When Tara entered the Magic Box, she noticed how full it was for 7:45 in the morning. Xander was sitting half-asleep in a chair, apparently having decided to stay on alert in case something happened with Anya. Buffy was pacing back and forth between the shelves, hands twitching occasionally into clenched fists. And Dawn was sitting with her arms curled up around her legs, staring at the back room as if expecting Willow to fly out of there with her body wreathed in green fire.

This changed when she saw Tara enter the shop. "Tara!" she shrieked happily, and ran over to catch her in a virtual flying tackle.

"Ooof!" Tara said, wrapping her arms around the young girl. "Hey, Dawn. How's it going?"

"I missed you so much! I'm sorry about everything we--"

Tara cut her off quickly. "Hey, we went over all of this yesterday, remember? You don't need to keep saying it." She smiled, ruffling Dawn's hair, and turned over towards Xander. "How's it going?"

He shrugged. "Lots of silence. Not entirely unexpected, I guess."

As if to underscore his statement, Anya walked out of the room. Well, perhaps flounced would be a better word, Tara thought. She did not look like a happy camper.

No one spoke for a moment until Anya broke the silence. "C'mon, talk to me. Believe me, I've gotten my fill of silence."

"How is she?" It was the first thing Buffy had said since Tara walked in. She didn't stop her frenetic pacing, however.

"Well, we talked for approximately three minutes, during which I caused her to visibly react once. And then we spent the next three hours and fifty-seven minutes admiring the wall." She sat down in a chair frowning, and for a moment looked as worn as the rest of them. "It was incredibly frustrating. I'd almost have preferred her to try to attack me."

Xander leaned over and hugged her. "You did a great job, An. But this just isn't going to be 'we all go in there and talk to her, and suddenly she's better'."

Tara nodded. "This is going to take a long time. Months. And we need to be there for her. We need to support her when she's doing the right thing... and if she slips, we need to yell. We all tried to ignore what she was doing the first time... especially me." She looked down at her shoes. "I should have said something earlier... when we were doing so many spells together, I should have seen--"

She was cut off by a hand on her shoulder. It was Dawn.

"Didn't we go over all this earlier?" she said, tilting her head slightly as she echoed Tara's previous words. Tara looked at her and smiled. There were times when Dawn showed how much she was growing up before their eyes.

Anya chimed in. "So who's up next? I really wouldn't leave her in there alone too long."

Buffy came to a decision, and stopped her pacing by jumping to a halt. "I'll go next," she said. She moved over to the door, and then stopped. Her fists were still clenching and unclenching. "Here I go," she said softly. She still didn't move.

Tara came over to her. "Buffy..."

Buffy held up a hand. "It's okay. I'm having no problems here. Just going to walk in there and watch over Willow. Talking not necessary, you said. Right, Anya?"

"Right!" Anya said cheerily, her mood improving now that she was no longer trapped with her unresponsive companion.

There was another pause. Nobody moved. Especially Buffy.

"Why am I not moving?" she whispered. Tara was the only one who heard her.

Dawn stood up and marched past Buffy. There was an odd set to her jaw, and a fire in her eyes that worried Tara. "I'll go next," she said quickly, and was in the back room with another crackle of magical energies before anyone else could speak.

Buffy was still staring at the door. "Dawn, get out of there," she whispered, but it was barely audible. Her fists were still clenching and unclenching spasmodically. Xander got up quickly, grabbing Buffy's left arm as Tara grabbed her right.

"Buffy, c'mon, come sit over here for a second." Xander was startled to find Buffy trembling slightly.

"I can't go in there. Why can't I go in there? What's wrong with me?" Buffy's voice was still whispering, still sounding as if she was a million miles away.

Tara and Xander looked at each other for a moment, then contented themselves with simply being there for Buffy as she continued to shiver.

***

It was getting harder for Willow to concentrate. The wall just wasn't cutting it anymore, she needed more. She needed magic. She was standing now, running her ands along the edge of the room. She needed to try to feel out the spell, find a way to get around it. It helped that she was intimately familiar with the spellcaster. Tara's magical presence was embedded within it.

Willow stopped as she got towards the door, and threw herself to the ground.

"Oh God, what am I doing?" she cried.

"I was wondering the same thing."

The voice came from the door, and Willow turned in horror to see Dawn standing in front of her, arms folded in front of her. "No... no, Dawnie, no, you can't see me, no, please..." She back-pedalled on her hands and knees, faster and faster until she slammed her head against the wall hard. She gasped, having bitten her tongue.

She whimpered and held her hands to her face. She didn't want Dawn here. Dawnie wasn't supposed to see her like this, wasn't supposed to know this could happen. Why had they let her in? Wasn't Willow supposed to be a danger to herself and others? Buffy of all people should have known better.

She heard Dawn come closer, stopping about two feet away. She still didn't dare look up.

"My god, I can't even believe my eyes anymore," Dawn said, her voice filled with anger and disgust. Willow winced, and felt herself starting to cry. She jumped when Dawn came over and grabbed both of her arms.

"Don't you *dare*! Don't you even think about crying now! You think you're in pain? You think you're suffering? What about when Tara found out what you did to her? What about when you abandoned all of us, abandoned Buffy just when she needed you? Was it worth it, Willow? Was it worth all of the power that you felt?"

Willow couldn't move, couldn't look away. This was her worst nightmare come to life. She'd expected this from everyone, from Tara and Xander and Anya. But it hadn't happened. They'd all been caring, and considerate... even Anya had been nice. But Dawn, sweet little Dawnie... she hated Willow.

The words kept coming. "You ran away, Willow. We wanted to help you, but you ran off with Amy and now everything's coming apart. I thought you were the most important one, Willow. You were the leader when my sister died. Why did you abandon her once she was alive?"

Willow started to shake her head wildly. "No, no, that wasn't it at all!"

Dawn let go of Willow abruptly, and she collapsed to the floor. Willow thought she might be running off, but she immediately knelt down to continue to stare into Willow's eyes.

"Do you know how much I looked up to you, Willow? Ever since we got to Sunnydale, you were my hero. It's not as if I could try to be like my sister. She's the one with all the Slayer strength and healing, not me. But you... you helped her out, even though you could die every night. And you kept getting better and better at things. You made me want to grow up, Willow. I had a crush on Xander, but I wanted to be like you."

Dawn took a breath, but immediately continued. "You were so happy, Willow. You were a great student, you were a great witch, and you had your true love. The perfect life. Every time I felt like a geek, or a little kid, or..." she looked away for a moment, "imaginary... you were the one who I thought of. You were so cool..."

Willow was starting to sob now. Dawn's sadness was much, much worse than Dawn's anger. The guilt she felt now was overwhelming. She got to her feet unsteadily, moving over to the pile of training mats in the opposite corner.

Dawn lashed out and grabbed her by the arm. "Why, Willow? Why in God's name did you do it? Was it just some big power trip? Did you get off feeling like God, bringing back my sister?"

"That wasn't it at all!" Willow shrieked. Dawn was startled, but didn't drop back.

"I was only trying to help everyone," Willow continued, unable to stop the words from tumbling out. "I... I wasn't able to help Buffy enough, the hacking wasn't really doing much, and I couldn't stand to see her going out there every night and nearly getting killed! I mean, there had to be something I could do! So I started studying Wicca, and it was like all of a sudden I had a place! And when Tara met me... I could actually do things with my powers! I could kill vamps with balls of sunshine, and I knew I could do something to just get rid of the demons for good! And then Buffy died, and everything fell apart, and everyone was unhappy, and I just couldn't stand it, not after everything we'd been through, and I couldn't stand the thought of her suffering forever, like Angel was, and I just wanted everyone to be happy! Everything was perfect, why couldn't things go back to that? And no matter how much I tried, it kept getting worse and worse, and I kept using more and more power, but it wasn't helping, and Tara left, and Amy died, and now I can't stop, I can't stop using it, I can feel it inside me, telling me how to fix things, and you hate me, and Tara hates me, and why can't I figure out what to do, Dawnie? I can't go back, I can't be the girl I was, even you didn't like her, you just said, you liked me when I got stronger and more powerful and was able to help Buffy, but I can't do that anymore, she doesn't want me near her, I can't do anything and the magic doesn't help and why can't I make it better, I just want to make everything better..."

The last few words were barely coherent, Willow was sobbing so hard, and now Dawn was hugging her, and Willow was crying against her shoulder, still shaking her head from side to side.

"Oh, Dawnie," she breathed after a few minutes, "you need to go. You shouldn't be near me, you should go back to the others. I'm so evil and disgusting... I've done so many horrible things... Tara hates me, you hate me, I want you to be safe, Dawnie, you can't be safe with me here--"

At this point Dawn reached out and took Willow's chin in one hand. "WILLOW," she said forcefully. It was even forceful enough to get Willow to stop for a moment. She was startled to see that Dawn was crying as well.

"Willow, look at what everyone did. Even though you turned away from us, here we are trying to save you. Xander, Anya, Buffy, Tara... we would never do this if we hate you. We just want you to stop. You can't make the world perfect. It's never going to happen. But this is all we can do. All we can do is just talk to you. You have to choose to stop doing magic all the time. You need to use it only when necessary."

"I can't," Willow mumbled, but her voice sounded unconvincing.

"You can, Willow. We're here for you. All of us."

Willow stared at Dawn. She hadn't realised how mature she looked now. When did that happen? The last time they'd talked, Dawn had seemed like such a little kid. Dawn had grown up so much and she'd missed it.

Willow pulled Dawn into another hug, less desperate this time. "I feel so horrible... I can't be your hero anymore."

Dawn sniffled. "No, but we can be friends again. Willow, please never do this again. Please."

Willow bit her lip. "I promise, Dawnie, I promise."

And for the first time in months, she felt like she could keep that promise.

***

To be continued...

--SG

[emily 'first']

Wow!
This is totally amazin'...What a great read.
Keep going.

------------------
vive,valeque.

[aladdin]

Great Willow-Dawn interaction!

Looking forward to the next chapter...take your time. Within the next two hours would be OK for me.

[delany]

oh i'm really liking this one! keep it going!

[miss_spangles]

This is great stuff! I'm going to join in the pleas for more! You've done
really fantastic characterisations, I'm loving the way you're writing Anya and Willow especially but all are fantastic

[mollyig]

Wonderful stuff Sean!

And you've given us hope that Willow can get through this!

------------------
Anya: You think it's sensible for me to go down into that pit of
cotton-top hell, and let them hippity-hop all over my vulnerable flesh?

[willow420]

A definate two thumbs up. I love this even if it doesn't folow along exactly with the show. It makes it more surprising that way.

[xita]

I like what you are doing with this fic. That conversation with Dawn was really tough to read. Great job!

[Hemlock]

You've really captured the spirit of the characters in this fic. Love what your doing, especially your characterisation of Dawn. Please write more!

[SeanGaffney]

Here's the next few scenes. BTW, note that while this does ignore Smashed/Wrecked in terms of Willow continuity, it does assume that the Spike/Buffy stuff happened. I tried really, really hard to write S/B in this, just to show that I could. But I can't. Faith was inside my head, pulling at my ears and screaming "SHE'S MINE!" So no long-term S/B, apologies. ^^;;

***

Xander, Tara and Anya were over in the rear stacks, staring at Buffy with some concern. She was still sitting at a table, eyes not really focusing on anything but wandering the room at random. Anya had managed to get her to move to one out of the way of the customers, but that was the only concession Buffy was making to reality at the moment.

Xander whispered quietly to the other two. "This is really starting to go beyond disturbing into frightening. Is anyone else getting flashbacks to when Glory kidnapped Dawn?"

"Perhaps we should get Spike," Anya interjected. "He seems to be the only one these days who can get a reaction from Buffy."

Xander winced. "An, honey, do you really want that kind of reaction in the store? Forget I said that, just pretend the phrase never left my lips," he added quickly, seeing Anya's eyes glint.

Tara wasn't saying anything, just watching Buffy. She hadn't seen much of the slayer since she and Willow had broken up, but it was clear that Buffy was a far cry from the energetic, vibrant young woman she had been. When she'd returned - or more accurately been yanked back - from the peace of her death, she had been fairly muted, but this was beyond that. Buffy was absolutely terrified. Terrified of Willow. And her mind found this fact so completely irreconcilable that it was simply freezing up.

"At least it's been quiet in the back, Anya said, interrupting Tara's train of thought. "I was expecting Dawn to use a variety of colourful interjections in her talk with Willow."

"It's soundproof," Tara said. "That's one of the extras I added on to it thank to Mr. Giles' advice. I mean, we can't just close the shop down while we deal with Willow... so I wanted to keep things peaceful."

"Darn right we can't!" Anya was quick to agree. "It's bad enough that Buffy is sitting there twitching. She's scaring away potential customers!"

"Well, Dawn's time is nearly done," Xander put in, before Anya could go into another of her capitalism rants. "If we still can't get Buffy, I'll go back in there. Willow's most comfortable with me, so..."

Tara was shaking her head. "If Buffy doesn't go in there, I'm going in. Willow's figured out what we're doing, and she knows Buffy's likely to be next. If not, Willow's going to be very upset. I'm the best one to deal with a very upset Willow."

Xander wanted to object, but nodded. It still amazed him at times to look at the confident young woman Tara had become and compare her to the shy, stuttering college girl Willow had fallen in love with. "All right, but don't be afraid to come get us. If Willow... if she ends up being dangerous again, then we all have to deal with that. Not just you."

Tara tried to smile, but it just crumpled on her face. "I know. And thank you. I hope it won't come to that."

They stood there for a few more moments, contemplating dark thoughts, and then Dawn returned from the back room, looking far more composed then when she had gone in. Tara started to walk over, but Dawn's objective was Buffy. She walked over and yanked her sister out of the chair, causing Buffy to stumble.

Buffy snapped out of her trance, focusing on Dawn. "Dawn, are you OK?"

Dawn didn't say anything, just dragged the protesting Buffy towards the back room. With a strength that was all the more surprising considering that she was competing with a Slayer, Dawn snapped her arm around and almost tossed Buffy into the room, standing in front of the door for a few moments to make sure she didn't emerge.

She then turned, seeing the others staring at her with open mouths. "Well... it's not as if she ever *listens* to me," Dawn offered as an explanation.

She walked over to Tara, looking serious, and pulled her into a hug.

"We talked a lot," Dawn whispered in her ear, "and I yelled a lot too. I think it may be okay, Tara. I really do."

Tara didn't respond verbally. She just hugged Dawn tighter, and felt her heart jump around in her ribcage.

*It may be OK,* Tara repeated in her head. *And what do you do if it is? How do you rebuild something this broken?*

***

Buffy's mind had been revolving around and around in various circles of denial and disbelief for so long that Dawn tossing her into the room almost made her fall over. She caught herself and spun around, trying to see where Willow would be.

Willow was, in fact, sitting perfectly naturally on the stack of mats, her hands folded in her lap. She looked drawn and worn, and her eyes were puffy and red, but there was no other sign of anything other than simple, normal Willow.

Buffy came a little closer, her body not willing to relinquish its tension just yet. She still felt like one big pulsing nerve. Willow looked up at Buffy for the first time, and she could see that, although her eyes were quite bloodshot, they weren't black or pulsing with dark energy.

She walked closer, waiting for any sign that Willow would try to escape, or attack, or otherwise betray Buffy and the others once more. But Willow just kept looking at Buffy, a sad smile on her features.

Buffy had not felt the same ever since her resurrection. Violent outbursts of emotion were harder for her to come by, and she spent more and more time simply drawing away from everyone, even Dawn. But seeing that smile, something that was just so Willow that it could never belong to anyone else... Buffy ran towards Willow and scooped her up, pulling her into a backbreaking hug. Willow didn't object, wrapping her arms around her friend as she was spun around the room three times before finally crashing back onto the mats.

She looked up, and saw a wide grin on Buffy's face, something that she hadn't seen in many, many months, even before Willow had left them all. It made her feel so utterly filled with happiness she almost forgot how everything had been left between them.

Almost. Buffy moved out of the hug, and took Willow's shoulders in both hands. "Don't you *ever*, *ever* do *anything* like this ever again!" she said.

Willow nodded, her eyes filling with tears once more. She didn't even know she had any more. "I promise."

Buffy nodded. "Promise me again. To make up for the last promise."

Willow was having trouble speaking now, but she steeled herself. "I promise I will die before I ever do anything like this to any of you again."

And suddenly she was in Buffy's arms again, and this hug amazingly enough felt even better than the last one. "Don't die," Buffy whispered in her ear. "Don't die. Just don't do it."

"I won't," Willow whispered again.

Buffy pulled back a little, and they leaned into each other, still keeping one arm around each other. "God, Willow, you scared me to death, you know that? I didn't know how to deal with it... Dawn was in here before because I literally couldn't walk in that door."

Willow smiled again. "I guess it's kinda good that you could still be worried about me."

Buffy shook her head. "That wasn't it."

"Huh?"

Buffy's hand moved away from Willow, though she stayed leaning against her shoulder. "I wasn't scared for you, Willow. Well, I was, but that wasn't what made me freeze." Her voice dropped, becoming a whisper. "I was scared of you."

Willow's eyes widened, and she felt her stomach flip over. Nightmares passed through her mind, the nightmares she'd been having the past month. Of her friends running from her, screaming in terror, as she gleefully slaughtered them with her magic.

Buffy had always been the last one. The final scream.

She had fooled herself into thinking the hard part was over with Dawn. But no, deep down she knew better. Buffy was harder. And Buffy was scared of her. She wanted to curl into a little ball.

Buffy continued to speak. "My brain wasn't even processing it. Willow was a friend, my best friend, why should I be scared of Willow. But the reports started coming in, reports of weird things happening and two women on the scene, and we just didn't know what to do. This wasn't happening. It couldn't be you. But it was you. I was terrified of my best friend, and the power she could wield."

"Oh god, Buffy," Willow murmured, her voice cracking.

"Do you realise how horrible that felt? It was guilt, and self-hatred, and sheer primal terror all rolled into one big "she could crush you like a bug and you didn't do anything to stop her" reality. I felt so useless..."

Buffy had pulled her feet up onto the mats, and was now sitting there with her arms around her knees, just rocking back and forth. "You were my rock, Willow. My last resort. I always knew I could count on you to come up with something, some last line of defence. And you were the one I could talk to when Angel left, or when Riley and I fell apart. Why did you do this? Why did you need to?"

And suddenly it was Willow reaching out, Willow that was hugging her tightly. Buffy felt a piece of her heart she hadn't even known was locked away come out into the sunlight.

"To protect you," Willow whispered. "To help you. To make you happy." The answers seemed hollow now. But they were the truth.

Buffy sighed, getting herself back under control. "I'll be okay, Will. Hey, I'm the Slayer, remember? And right now, I think I you to be here for me as a friend more."

Willow pulled back, and this time her smile looked almost happy. "Okay... friend."

***

For the next hour, Buffy and Willow sat next to each other and simply talked. Talked about what had been happening while Willow was gone, what Giles had been up to, Dawn's latest problems with school and friends, Xander and Anya's off-again now seemingly on-again wedding. As time went on, the pauses grew longer, and the subjects more serious.

"Everything's so different," Willow was saying. "Dawn's grown up so much... and Xander - when did he get to be the most mature of all of us? I keep waiting for you to drop some new bombshell on me."

"I've been sleeping with Spike."

"Right, exactly, like that ther--wha?!?!" Willow gaped at her friend.

"I don't mean to! I mean, it's not like I go over there and think 'time for the lovin' or anything. But we just start hitting each other, and throwing each other into posts, and then suddenly we're just naked." Buffy's face was turning red.

Willow's mind was reeling. She had to take this carefully. "What do the others think about this?"

Buffy sighed. "Xander's been yelling at me. But everyone just thinks it's been kissing. I haven't told anyone else about the... y'know, hot sweaty animal part of it."

"Well," Willow tried to find words. "Well... I mean, Spike's been pretty good lately... and he has his chip... I mean, if you need us to be supportive of you..." She hated every single word she was saying.

Looking up, however, she saw Buffy was shaking her head. "I don't need that, Willow. I mean... I've been thinking about this a lot. About what's been happening to me, to the way I feel since you brought me back. And don't say you're sorry," she added as Willow winced and had begun to stammer an apology. "We've been over this before."

Willow shut her mouth, but apologies continued to radiate outward in her body language. Buffy went on.

"It's been harder for me to feel things... strong emotions. You remember what I sang that night. Spike gets me angry. Really angry. And that anger feels so good, Willow. It feels like my body is finally waking up. And when I'm like that, I just have to have more and more. So of course I drive him on."

"He loves you," Willow pointed out.

"I know," Buffy smiled sadly. "And I know he's probably as close as he's ever going to get to being a reformed vampire without a soul. I think he's done everything he can to be with me." She shook her head. "But I don't love him. Not like Angel."

"Well then, maybe you should tell him that. Cause y'know, if you're just using him, it's not fair to Spike, and I can't believe I just said that."

Buffy reached out and squeezed Willow's hand. "No, you're right. It isn't fair to Spike. And I'm going to tell him."

"Want me to come with? I mean, just to make sure he doesn't start getting you mad deliberately?"

Buffy didn't speak for a few moments, and Willow began to remember why they were actually there. "I'm sorry," she said haltingly. "I'm assuming too much--"

"It's not that," Buffy said. She was silent again for a moment. "There's something else I didn't mention... I was worried you'd overreact. Or maybe it's not even an overreaction."

Willow's mind raced. "Oh my God! But... but isn't Spike dead? That's the ultimate low sperm count, right?"

Buffy turned to stare at Willow. "Okay, *ew*."

"Not that?"

"I told you Spike and I have been beating each other up."

"Right," Willow responded, still confused.

"Think about that. I've been hitting Spike, and he's been hitting me."

Willow's eyes widened. "His chip doesn't work anymore?"

Buffy shook her head. "It works. He can't harm humans."

Suddenly Willow got it. "Oh god, no..."

"Willow, it's okay."

Willow was standing now. "Oh god, what did I do..."

"WILLOW." Buffy got up quickly and grabbed Willow's shoulders. "It's all right. It doesn't really matter to me."

"But... if you aren't..."

"But I am," Buffy said. "I have my sister, and my friends. I protect this town. I still get cut, still bleed. There's nothing different about me, nothing besides Spike. And that's something I can fix. Willow, I've had months to think about this. And it's alright."

Willow was still shaking her head. "But I ripped you away from... from heaven."

"And one day, I'll be back there again," Buffy said.

Willow suddenly pulled Buffy into another hug. After months of being apart, suddenly they were best friends again and the hugs just wouldn't stop coming. Not that either of them was complaining.

Buffy was the first to speak. "So it's a deal then. I'll talk to Spike, and you can come with me to make sure nothing goes horribly wrong."

Willow pulled back. "Wait... maybe that's not such a good idea."

"Why?"

"Well... Spike might try to get you mad... what if he attacks you? And then I get mad, and I decide to do something about it, and I use magic, and then it all goes back to the way it does before? I'm not all better, Buffy."

Buffy didn't want to admit it, but Willow was right. And she could easily see Spike tempting her into doing something. "Well, Tara can come along as well. After all, the more people there, the less chances of damage."

Willow pulled back as if she had been struck. "No... no, I can't. Tara won't want to be near me. I did too much... there's no going back. Buffy, I can't ever make up for what I did to her."

"Do you love her, Willow? Still?" Buffy's voice was gentle and soothing.

"Oh God, Buffy, I love her so much. Sometimes I can't even feel anything else inside me. But I screwed up, Buffy. So badly."

"Then Willow, I think you need to try to make things better. Cause when you love someone that much, you can overcome anything. And I think she still loves you. She did all this for you, even when you could have hurt her."

"I did hurt her," Willow said, a catch in her voice. "When I first woke up here... I said so many mean, nasty things to her. I was so horrible."

Buffy thought for a moment. "Then maybe you two should have a talk."

Willow looked downcast. "But we still have an hour..."

"I don't think we need it. You already promised me you'd never do anything like this again, right?"

"Of course," Willow said. "And I promised Dawn."

"And Dawn believed you," said Buffy simply. "And so do I. I'll get Tara to cancel the spell. Then we'll see how things go."

"It's impossible, Buffy." Willow's eye were starting to hurt from so many tears.

"Then it's probably good that you happen to be in love in Sunnydale. The impossible happens here every day." And then she was out the door, leaving Willow to prepare herself for something she'd never be ready for.

***

To be continued (grr... arg...)

--SG

[mollyig]

Ah Sean, that was great work indeed. The dialogue between Willow & Buffy was so fluid and real.

And you perfectly captured the love with this sentence:

I love her so much. Sometimes I can't even feel anything else inside me

Beautiful!

------------------
Anya: You think it's sensible for me to go down into that pit of
cotton-top hell, and let them hippity-hop all over my vulnerable flesh?

[Rane]

yup, yup, mollyig. i love that line.

i like this line too. "Then it's probably good that you happen to be in love in Sunnydale. The impossible happens here every day."

[nika]

I loved that last line too. These dialogues are amazing, my heart is going pitter-patter all over the place.

[legend]

WOW! That was a tremendous update! I'm getting all tingly waiting for the next part - with the tara/willow talk *crosses fingers*

[ScOoOoBiE]

I want more... please =)

[SeanGaffney]

Well, here's the ending. Bigger than I had planned. Let me know if the epilogue introduces too many random elements, or if I'm too soppy and mawkish (a constant bad habit of mine). Any and all comments are welcome. Thanks for reading!

***

Tara looked around the shop. Everything seemed to be in limbo while they waited for Buffy. Anya was at the front counter, and was being her usual perky self to the few customers walking in. Xander and Dawn were sitting at the table, silently staring into space. And Tara stood about ten feet in front of the door to the back room, simply staring at it with her arms folded.

She jumped slightly as Buffy walked through it. "You're early," she said, then simply stopped and stared.

Buffy was smiling. Not just the normal Buffy smile they'd come to expect these past few months. This was a smile they hadn't seen on Buffy since Glory. This was the Buffy Summers of old.

Xander and Dawn came walking over. "Buffy...?" Xander said, looking a bit incredulous.

Buffy continued to smile. "Willow and I talked. For a long time, about lots of things. She's not all better... she probably still needs to be watched," and here she turned to Tara, "but I think we can dispell the room and let her come out."

Anya overheard this from her position at the counter. "OK, customers, I apologise, but we need to close for lunch now! Please come back later in the afternoon and spend the money you had planned on spending!" She quickly herded out the two people who had been glancing at the shelves, locked the door and went over to the group. "This seems rather sudden," she said simply.

"It is very sudden, and I know that once she's out the temptation is there, but I think we've reached the limit of things we can do for her while she's locked in. She needs to see everyone, apologise, and show she can move on."

Tara stood mutely while Buffy was saying this, trying to think of what she should do. It certainly sounded as if Buffy and Dawn had helped Willow; in fact, it looked as if Willow might have helped Buffy a little as well. And they certainly couldn't keep her locked in the back room out of harm's way forever.

On the other hand, if Willow was released, she and Tara would have to talk. And Tara wasn't ready for that, didn't feel she ever would be. The feelings that she felt... the betrayal, the distrust, the love, the pain... all of them were still just as chaotic as they had been when she'd first left Willow. She wanted this to happen... in fact, she'd dreamed almost nightly of various scenarios where she and Willow would reconcile and return to each other's arms... but the cold, hard reality of it terrified her.

Willow still scared her. What if it goes wrong? What if she hurts me again? What if she doesn't love me anymore? What if she only loved me because of the magic?

"Tara? Tara?"

Tara blinked, and realised Buffy had been talking to her. "All right. I'll do it."

"And will you talk to her, too?"

Trust Buffy to know exactly what she was thinking. "Yes. I'll talk to her."

Tara walked over to the corner of the door, and carefully moved some herbs and chalk dust. The air crackled, and then was still again. "Done," she said quietly.

Buffy nodded, and poked her head into the room. "Will? Come on out."

Tara moved along the back wall, putting herself into a corner. It was a habit born from years of growing up with her repressive family. She could move into the background at will. It was also a crutch, as she always used to simply hide rather than be forced to endure human contact. Willow had drawn her out, had taught her better ways of dealing with the world. Now it was Willow that was driving her back into the corner.

Tara bit her lip, but stayed where she was. Inside, she was screaming at herself. Idiot. Coward. When Willow is a dangerously unstable magic user that has to be stopped, you come over all cool and self-reliant, but the moment you have to relate to her as your former lover, you can't take it. How pathetic is that?

Willow was coming out of the room now. Even when she's been crying, she still looks utterly beautiful, Tara thought. Her face had that crumpled look that Tara once thought so adorable. Dawn was hugging her, and Xander. Buffy was waving her hand in the air and asking about magic, and Willow was concentrating, then nodding her head and trying to smile.

She could leave. They all looked so happy together. Willow was with her two best friends, and Dawn. Tara could simply sneak out, and go on with her life. It would hurt... but was probably for the best.

Tara shuddered, then turned... and promptly stumbled over a conveniently placed leg and fell into the room, catching herself before she hit the floor. The others stopped and stared.

"Look who I found skulking around in the shadows," Anya said, blithely following Tara out as if nothing had happened. "Why, it's Tara! And I just know she was waiting for the right time to emerge so that she and Willow could talk. You know, since they're in love and soulmates and all of that."

Tara turned slowly. "Anya..."

Anya was pretending not to hear. "So I thought that maybe this would be an excellent time for me to show the rest of you the new coffeemaker I got for the store. Not for customers, as you already know my views on combining purchasing with caffeine. But certainly we sit around here so much reading dusty old tomes that there will be opportunities for us to have a quick pick me up. Willow, when you've finished grovelling, you and Tara can come have some coffee too," she added, grinning.

Dawn laughed and walked over to the counter, with Xander following. He grabbed Anya around the waist as he passed. "I don't tell you enough how much I love you, you know?"

"No, you don't. Tell me again some more."

Buffy chuckled, and shoved Willow the remaining distance towards Tara. "Talk. A lot," she said, then went to join the others a discreet distance away.

And now Willow was in front of her, looking just about ready to bolt. Tara thought she probably looked the same. "Hi," she said quietly.

"Hey," Willow responded. She shifted around uncomfortably. "My skin feels all tingly. Like there's something just beneath the surface."

"It's psychosomatic," Tara said quickly.

"I know," Willow nodded. "All in my head." She took a deep breath. "My head hasn't exactly been a great place to be lately, you know? Keeps doing all sorts of stupid things."

Tara didn't say anything. She still had no idea how to talk with Willow. It had been easier in the dreams.

"Tara... I can't even say I'm sorry anymore. I mean, I keep saying it over and over again, and it's just lost its meaning. I don't know what I can do. If there's anything I can do. I mean, lately everything I've done has been wrong. How can I trust myself? How do I know I won't hurt people again?"

Willow was starting to cry again, and Tara just moved without thinking. She gathered Willow in her arms and let her sob for a while.

Funny how it came to her so easily. Willow was in pain, so Tara was comforting her. No fear of what Willow would do to her, or worry about feelings being returned. Willow hurt, she had to try to stop it.

Finally Tara pulled away and began to speak, though she still held on to Willow's shoulders. "You've just got to take it one minute at a time. No magic for a while, and I will be watching very closely. We'll try just simple things at first. Situations where normally you used to use magic without thinking. And we'll go through those, and you'll just do it without magic. It's going to be really annoying."

Willow's eyes were still wet, but she was starting to smile again. "I can handle it. I know I can." She looked down. "You'll really be watching me closely?"

Tara knew what was behind that question. "Willow... when we first met we didn't know quite what we had. But we immediately trusted each other. And gradually, we fell in love."

"I remember," Willow said.

"But now... we need to get that trust back. It's not fair to either of us to try and get back together without that... that's a relationship for all the wrong kinds of reasons. I'll come over to Buffy's first thing in the morning, and stay with you all day... but I'm still going home at night."

"Can I come over to your place for the day sometimes? I never really got to see it," Willow said.

"Of course," Tara replied. "It's very... well, it's very magic-y, though."

"Well, naturally. I mean, that's you, Tara. You grew up with it. I wouldn't expect anything less." Willow frowned again. "I don't know if I can do it again, Tara. Magic, I mean. I mean, I'm okay now, but what if I start feeling that craving again? Wanting more power..."

"Magic shouldn't be about power, though. Magic is about the synchronization of your body with primal forces. And respecting limits, only taking what you need. If Dawn was in danger, and you could only save her through magic, would you?"

"Of course!" Willow's response was immediate.

"Even if it meant you might lose yourself again?"

The response was less quick this time, as Willow's brow furrowed. "Yes. Because... because I would still be doing it to save Dawnie. And that's worth any price."

Tara smiled, and felt her heart lighten. "The price of magic will always be less when used to help others, rather than yourself."

"That sounds like a quote," Willow said.

"My mother."

They stood silent for a moment. "Tara, all those things I said in there... I was out of my mind. I didn't mean any of them."

"I know," Tara said softly.

"Will we ever be able to get back together, baby? Should I even hope for it?" Willow's voice was very small.

"You'd better. I'm hoping just as hard," Tara managed, a lump forming in her throat.

"I love you so much, Tara."

"I love you too."

They hugged again. Not a comfort hug, this time, but a genuine, solid loving hug. A hug that held promise for the future.

"Now what?"

"Well, now we go over to talk to the others and you get verbally abused some more. Then I think you should probably go back to Buffy's and rest. You've been up for a long time."

Willow got her worried look. "But--"

"It's okay," Tara held up a hand. "The room is still there, and I think Buffy and Dawn want you to have it. And I'll be over there first thing in the morning, okay?"

Willow took a deep breath, then nodded. "Okay. Small steps?"

"Small steps."

***

Five months later...

The crowd was still amazingly packed considering the reception had been going on for an hour. Anya was sitting at one end of the room talking to Dawn and several of her classmates, looking for all the world as if she'd just been crowned rather than simply gotten married. Xander remained by her side, nervously talking to Giles. Giles had one hand behind his back, desperately trying to hide the bouquet that he'd accidentally caught and Anya would simply not allow him to give to anyone else.

Tara and Willow had found a small corner, and were busy eating hors d'oeuvres and gossiping about the various guests. Willow pointed over to Xander's left. "I see Buffy is still trying to do the whole lurk thing."

"She's just run out of people to talk to. It happens. We need more guests."

Willow looked around the densely packed reception hall. "Right."

"Ask and you shall receive," said a voice behind them.

"Cordy," Willow cried. "I didn't think you guys were coming!"

Cordelia rolled her eyes, looking very aggrieved. "Pff. Only Xander would be enough of an idiot to send an invitation to a vampire, then hold the wedding at 3pm."

Tara and Willow glanced at each other, then over at Angel, who had suddenly appeared over Cordelia's shoulder. "Um... oops?" Tara offered.

Angel seemed unperturbed. "I'm sure it wasn't deliberate," he said, smiling.

"Ha!" Cordelia interjected. "It was his last little bit of revenge. He knew I wouldn't come without bringing everyone."

Willow looked around, and noticed Wesley giving awkward greetings to Giles and Xander, and Fred congratulating Anya. "Wow, the gang's all here."

"Except for Gunn. Believe me, we tried everything. 'There's problems with the gang', he said. 'I need to be there'. If you ask me, he just doesn't want to go to something that requires standing around looking formal." Cordelia smiled and twirled slightly. "Whereas I, of course, revel in it."

"You should go over and talk to Buffy," Tara said after a minute or two. "She looks like she needs some cheering up."

Cordelia shook her head. "That'll be solved in just a second. We brought along the newest member of the team."

Willow looked puzzled. "What do you m--Aaaah!" she screamed, getting it.

Cordelia grabbed her arm. "It's okay. We extracted a promise from her not to fight. So if the place gets trashed, it'll be Buffy's fault."

"Cordelia," Angel murmured.

"Yes?"

"You're enjoying things too much again."

She just stuck her tongue out at him in reply. "Ah, there she is. I was going to go drag her ass out of the car in a minute or two if she didn't come in."

Sure enough, Faith seemed to have found Buffy, and was quietly talking to her. Buffy was staring out at the crowd, sipping champagne, and pretending not to listen. This didn't seem to matter to Faith, who just continued to speak.

The four of them watched the conversation fascinated, even though they couldn't hear anything. A few minutes later, Faith seemed to grind to a halt, and turned to walk away. Buffy reached out and grabbed Faith's wrist, then began speaking herself.

"Victory," Cordelia grinned. "And look, unopened champagne!" She grabbed the bottle from the table. "Willow, can you open this?"

"I think the corkscrew wandered off," Willow said, looking around.

"Well, just use a little magic to get it out," Cordelia responded. Tara tensed a little bit.

Willow shook her head. "Why use magic on something that you can do yourself? You came with a big, strapping man. Have him get the cork out."

"Good point," Cordelia agreed cheerfully. She turned to Angel. "Oh big strapping man?"

Angel tried to scowl. "Surely I am not the only person in range that can operate a corkscrew?"

"No, but I can't bully Willow and Tara the way I can you. Come on, let's go find one, I'm thirsty." She dragged Angel off towards the kitchen, ignoring his occasional protest.

Willow smiled. "Still subtle as a truck."

"You noticed that too? I thought it might just be me..."

Willow shook her head. "Not just you. I was being tested by Cordelia to ensure I am once again good and pure."

"It's odd that Cordelia and Anya are so similar..."

"Xander has a secret submissive streak in him," Willow said with a grin. "Good thing I found out in time."

Tara glanced over at the food tables, seeing Cordelia trying to get a spot off of Angel's tux. "And Angel?"

Willow's eyebrows raised. "Definitely not even going there."

They fell silent for a minute or two, momentarily at a loss for words. Tara glanced around at all their friends, noting the laughter and happiness. Anya had grabbed Xander and was showing him off to Fred, with Xander going along in mostly good cheer. Giles and Wesley were deep in conversation. So were Buffy and Faith, and Buffy wasn't scowling anymore.

There had been no demonic attacks during the wedding, no pack of vampires or soul-killing plagues. It had been an utterly abnormal day on the Hellmouth... nothing supernatural had happened. The wedding had gone off perfectly, the reception was lovely...

It would be a shame to waste a wonderful day like this, Tara decided.

"Willow?"

"Hmm?" Willow said.

"I love you."

Willow's face lit up, and she leaned in to hug Tara with one arm. "I love you too."

"Tonight... if you like... you could stay over at my place."

Willow suddenly froze, and her eyes looked over at Tara with a mixture of hope and panic. "Really?"

"Unless you don't want to," Tara added, feeling equally panicky.

Willow swallowed. "Oh, I think I can manage it. Only been dreaming about this day for months, y'know." She was trying not to cry.

"It's not very big, of course." Tara said casually.

"Oh, I know. But cozy." Willow was equally casual.

"There's only the one bed."

"Well, you know, you need to save money. And it's a big bed."

Tara nodded. "I like room to move around."

Willow smoothed out her dress, and turned to look seriously at Tara. "Are you sure about this?"

Tara smiled back at her. "Very sure."

"I can't believe I'm all nervous about this," she said. "I mean, it's like we've never done anything before. And I won't be able to levitate you anymore..."

Tara grinned. "Well, I think we'll somehow manage to overcome it."

Willow was also grinning. "Right. I'll just have to be more creative. Use that famous brainpower of mine."

She took Tara's hand. "It all feels so new and shiny again... being with you. Like magic."

Tara leaned over and kissed Willow briefly. "Like love. Something magic just can't compete with."

END

--SG

[Rane]

you introduce thoughts of snugglies and dont follow thorugh with it, sean! just kidding.

edited to add my favorite line: "I know," Willow nodded. "All in my head." She took a deep breath. "My head hasn't exactly been a great place to be lately, you know? Keeps doing all sorts of stupid things."

sooooo willow! perfect.

i really like the idea of the wedding and everyone coming together, especially faith. there's a parallel between faith and buffy like there is with willow and tara in the trust/redemption line. i know i wouldn't mind seeing that on the telly.

and cordy, cordy, cordy! i wish i could write cordy.

i loved this! thanks, sean

[This message has been edited by Rane (edited December 08, 2001).]

[xita]

sigh, they worked it out ... so sweet. That was great. It would take time for Tara to trust again and yes the re-definition there at the end, like love. So sweet. Thanks!

[Enigmatic]

A very nice fic. and the ending was just great, you sure know how to write W/T.

Hope there's more to come

[wiltar]

Oh gosh!!! I loved this fic sooooooo much! Thanks for writing it, I feel like I can levitate myself right now

Patricia

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"What are they looking at?"
"The hotness of you, doofus!"

[emily 'first']

Oooh...We're so glad everything worked out ok...
Good story what you wrote...

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vive,valeque.