Author: Jeanny
Feedback: Please. jeannygrrl@hotmail.com
Distribution: I don't mind, just credit me and let me know where it's going.
Rating: G
Pairing: W/T
Spoilers: Season 6 Through Gone.
Disclaimer: I own no one and nothing, especially the characters in this story. I'm merely borrowing them for the pure pleasure of messing with their lives.
Summary: Immediately after Gone, Willow asks Buffy for a big favor.
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"So..." Buffy drawled, and Willow looked up from staring at the invisibility ray that she'd kept from their brief run-in with Warren, Jonathan and Tucker's brother. Buffy was struck by how pale her friend looked, how tired, how very much older...and not for the first time she quickly set aside the flash of satisfaction she had at that thought. She loved her friend too much to take any real pleasure in her suffering.
"So..." Willow repeated blankly, and Buffy struggled to stir herself to action. Now that she was visible again, all the pressures she'd briefly been able to escape were on her anew. It was just a matter of readjusting to the crushing weight. Or so she told herself.
"We should get home. Got to show Dawn I'm no longer all disappeary..." Buffy paused as she noticed Willow's attention had wandered back to the invisibility ray again. She knew her friend well enough to know that she was contemplating some plan, "...except now you're doing a mental vanishing act. What gives?" Willow looked up quickly, self-reproach all over her face.
"Nothing. Well, something. An idea. A bad idea, which I'm not even going to mention..." Buffy shook her head. She didn't want to admit it, but a secret-keeping Willow was too frightening right now. Whatever her friend was thinking couldn't possibly be worse than the thoughts that had briefly entered her mind. Thoughts of Willow and magic and Dawn and a car...
"Spill, Will," Buffy said firmly. The redhead took a deep breath and unloaded her thoughts rapidly, her expression a strange combination of guilt and a near desperate hope. When Willow was finally done talking, Buffy sighed. It certainly wasn't what she had been expecting, and it wasn't the worst possible thing, but still... "You're right. It's a bad idea. I don't think we really want to mess with this, do we? I mean, lots of things could go wrong. It seems really risky."
"You're right. Let's go home, check on Dawnie. I'm beat anyway," Willow said despondently. Buffy considered her for a moment and smiled just a bit.
"It'd only be for a minute, right?" she asked. Willow perked up keenly, and for a moment she looked younger and more innocent to Buffy, much more like the girl she had met so many years ago. It made Buffy feel infinitesimally better.
"Oh. Yes! Just a minute. Sixty brief seconds," Willow babbled.
"When I say go, we go," Buffy warned.
"You'll really do this for me? After everything I..." Willow seemed stunned, and Buffy put a quick arm around her friend's shoulders.
"You saved my life tonight, Will. Warren almost killed me...and how pathetic is that! I mean, I go from a hellgoddess to...but that's beside the point. What I'm trying to say is, before you...you needed me and I wasn't there for you. And that's not going to happening again."
"I don't know what to say. I love you, Buffy. You know that, right?" Willow said, blinking back sudden tears.
"Yeah, Will." Buffy stood and offered her friend a hand. "If we're gonna do this, we should hurry up before I come to my senses."
Not too much later Buffy found herself knocking on an unfamiliar door nervously, waiting for a familiar face to open it. The door finally swung open, and Tara blinked in surprise.
"Buffy? Hi...is something wrong?" Tara's eyes widened and then narrowed slightly. Buffy looked a bit more jumpy than normal, but then she hadn't been quite normal for a while.
"Hi, Tara. No, nothing's wrong, nothing...new anyway...I just was around, you know, campus, and I thought...I should have called. Are you busy?" Tara only hesitated for a moment.
"No, I was just...not doing much of anything...Do you want to..." Tara stood back from the door and opened it a bit wider, but Buffy made no move to enter. Tara frowned. "I can't invite you, you know," she said with just a touch of nervous suspicion, and Buffy shook her head.
"Oh, sorry, just me spacing...I'm coming in now..." Buffy stepped over the threshold and Tara visibly relaxed for a moment, and then stiffened again.
"Did you feel that?" she asked.
"Feel what?" Buffy queried innocently.
"I don't know, like something blew...it felt kinda...forget it." Turning her back on her friend for a second, she missed Buffy's relieved expression. Buffy demurred when Tara offered her refreshments, and the two friends sat facing each other on the bed.
"So, Tara, how are you doing? Really?" Buffy asked after a bit more stale small talk. Tara hugged her knees to her chest, nodding to herself.
"I'm okay. I mean it's hard. And I miss Will. A lot...I just couldn't..." Buffy placed an understanding hand on her arm.
"I know. And she knows too, now. After what happened with Dawn..." Buffy trailed off as she saw Tara's eyes flash angrily. After a faltering second she rallied. "She's trying now, for real. Willow's stopped using magic all together. It's been hard, but she's doing it."
"How's Dawn?" Tara asked, eyes downcast. Buffy sighed.
"Not very happy with either one of us, but physically she's healing."
"That's good," Tara said. "Healing...that's what we all need, isn't it?"
"Yeah. It just takes time. And sometimes it takes...can I ask you something, Tara? Something kinda personal?" At her friend's puzzled nod, Buffy continued, "Willow not using magic anymore, that's not...I mean you wouldn't...feel any differently about her, right? You wouldn't not love her just because she..." Tara sat upright, her eyes stunned and hurt.
"What? God, no! Buffy how could you even think-"
"Not me. Me not think," Buffy cut her off hastily. "Will thinks...she thinks she's not special without the magic. She's worried that the magic is what you fell in love with, and now that it's gone..."
"The magic that I fell in love with will never be gone. It's got nothing to do with spells at all...did you hear that?" Tara slid off the bed gracefully and went to the window, adjusting the curtains that had fallen slightly open. When Buffy didn't answer, she looked around curiously. "Buffy?"
"Hear? What? No. Didn't hear a thing. Just you. What did you hear?"
"Nothing I guess...still not used to the different noises around here..." Tara picked up a crystal off the bedside table and began playing with it distractedly as she sat back on the bed. She looked back at Buffy, who laughed a bit breathlessly.
"Know the feeling...so what were you saying about Willow a-and magic?"
"Did Willow ever tell you I see auras?" When Buffy looked uncertain, Tara continued dreamily, "I see them all the time...probably my main gift, magically-speaking. When Faith took over your body that time, it was your aura that told me what was wrong...and it was Willow's aura that told me how special she was. I just knew. She never had to do a single spell, her aura wouldn't have changed...in fact sometimes I wish..." Tara trailed off, her dreamy look telling Buffy she was lost in some memory. She reached out tentatively and touched her friend's hand, bringing her back.
"Tell me," Buffy said softly.
"I wish I could go back there and do things differently. I fell in love with Will that first moment, you know? Sitting there in the Wicca group with those stupid girls...and all I knew about her was that she was special and that she wanted to do magic. Magic was the only connection I had, and I was so shy...but I had to be near her. I just had to...and doing spells with Willow was so wonderful, I can't even describe...you probably don't want me to describe..." she put in softly, seeing Buffy's growing blush. "The thing is, I ignored all the times I knew she was going too fast, changing spells, dangerous things...I knew that she wasn't really...respecting what we were doing, but I said nothing. And I got my brain sucked, and she made me better. Her magic made me... but you died..." Tara hung her head guiltily at Buffy's sudden lack of expression. "I'm sorry, Buffy."
"It's okay. Go on," Buffy mumbled. Tara grabbed her hand reassuringly, and Buffy didn't try to pull away. She found herself appreciating the warmth, the contact.
"What I'm trying to say is, things were really bad when you died, and we all let everything sit on Willow's shoulders. I mean, we all pitched in with Dawn and the slaying, but Willow was in charge. She had to keep the Buffybot going, and she had to use a lot of spells just to keep us all alive. So I knew Willow was getting deeper and deeper into things that were bad for her. And she was determined to bring you back, because she thought you were...and then she started using magic all the time, for little daily things, and I was so worried but I didn't say anything. Not until it was too late. She was too far gone to listen then."
"So you left," Buffy said softly. Tara's face contorted, then she started to softly weep.
"I couldn't stay. I wasn't strong enough to watch her self-destruct...but I've never stopped loving her, Buffy. It's not possible...she's...she's Willow..." Buffy brushed at her shoulder in surprise, and then stood up suddenly. She walked over to Tara and hugged her, letting the girl cry on her shoulder for a moment. Buffy pulled away to meet her friend's eyes guiltily.
"I'm sorry...I didn't mean to..." Buffy started.
"It's okay...this is hard on everyone..." Tara hiccupped, her eyes looking over Buffy's shoulder. Buffy cleared her throat and they snapped back to her face.
"Do you think you and Willow can work it out? Now that she's stopped? With the magic?"
"I don't know," Tara whispered, and Buffy saw the honesty and pain in her eyes. "I hope so...without her I'm kinda lost, you know?"
"I know...she feels the same way..." Buffy murmured.
"It's just gonna take some time. But I still love Willow, Buffy. As much as ever." Tara looked Buffy in the eyes solemnly. "You should tell her that, if...if you think it'll help."
"I know it'll help. Do you think you could...see her?" Buffy asked. Tara gave her a pained smile.
"Not yet...but soon. Just need some time."
"Right. Good. Okay," Buffy said lamely, then on a sudden impulse added, "No matter what happens, you know you're still a Scooby, right?" Tara seemed surprised. Buffy knew it was the right thing to say when she saw her friend's eyes light up.
"Oh...so you'll let me know when there's unspeakable evil?" she asked.
"Gotcha on speed dial." Tara gave a funny expression, half-smile, half-grimace that made Buffy chuckle.
"I'm honored," she smirked. Buffy sighed, looking at her watch and standing reluctantly.
"I'm afraid I've got to get going...Dawn..."
"Of course. Thanks, Buffy. For stopping by," Tara said, accepting a good-bye hug. "And for...for the talk."
"Anytime," Buffy said fervently as Tara walked her the short distance to the door. "You should come by and see Dawn. Things have been...I know she misses you a lot."
"I will," Tara said as she opened the door. "Soon. I promise."
Buffy glanced at the open doorway and gave Tara one more hug goodbye, lingering just a bit longer than normal.
"Take care," Buffy said finally. She could feel Tara watching her and forced herself not to rush her exit, but as soon as she'd rounded the corner she broke into a light run, hearing the slight puffing sound behind her. She removed the invisibility ray from its hiding place and held it out, watching the dials seem to move by themselves. Her purse held aloft gave her something to aim at. Buffy took a deep breath as she squeezed the trigger, gasping, gasping as it unexpectedly sparked. She nearly fainted in relief when Willow reappeared, none the worse for wear.
"Gah! I think I busted it," she said, hastily shoving it into Willow's arms. The redhead examined it lovingly.
"It's okay, just shorted out. I can fix it," she breathed in relief. A moment later her expression clouded, and Buffy touched her arm.
"You okay?" she asked, and Willow shrugged.
"Yeah...I guess I...I never knew that was how Tara saw me, you know? She said I was...it just doesn't sound like me."
"What? Special?" Buffy scoffed. "It totally sounds like you, Will. That's what I've been trying to tell you. And what Xander's been trying to tell you. And Tara. You don't need the spells to be amazing. You just need to be Willow."
"But I don't even know what 'being Willow' means anymore," Willow cried, and Buffy put her arm around her shoulder, starting them both on the long journey home.
"I know...but you're gonna find out. And we're all gonna help. And then one day, you'll look in the mirror and you'll see, Will. You'll see."
*****
Tara had smiled as she watched Buffy leave. But the smile wasn't for Buffy alone.
*Goodbye, Willow,* she added in her head. She had been aware of her lover's presence in the room. She had seen her aura straightaway when she had opened the door; she couldn't help but see auras, as she had gently reminded them both. However Willow had managed it, there wasn't any magic involved; Tara had subtly done a spell to detect it and found nothing. And it felt so good to be near her again, Tara would have gladly pretended not to know for hours. Willow's aura had given her hope. It still had the taints of dark magic about it, but it was definitely cleaner and brighter than the last time she had seen it. Her smile widened as she thought about actually seeing the girl within the aura again. It wouldn't be easy, but as long as there was a chance, a reason to hope, Tara could feel happy again.
"See you soon," she murmured as she shut the door.
******
Feedback is always appreciated. 
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Tara: "No, I...I understand. You have to be with the person you love."
Willow: "I am."
- New Moon Rising