Anyway, an idea for a fic popped into my head and I thought I'd send it out to you guys knowing you'd be honest and fair about it. This is my first Willow/Tara Fic and my first fic in over a year. This is the first part, please tell me if it's worth my (and your) time to continue.
"I Don't Know if I Can"
By Mjovi1
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Please don't sue.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Up to "As you Were"
Summary: Tara writes a letter.
Part 1?
So, I'm getting phone calls from her now. Which is good, right? I mean, I want her to call me. So what if along with the joy and giddyness that I feel when I hear her voice, there is also a ting of hurt and betrayal? She did hurt me, Oh God, she hurt me. But she's doing better and I have to believe that one of the reasons she is doing better is because of me. Not because I did a spell or anything like that, because that would be horrible and slightly hypocritical, but because she wants to be with me. I have to believe that I'm that important to her. That one of the reasons why she's gone more than a month without doing magicks is because she wants me back. I hope I somehow factor into that equation.
I don't think I can decribe how much it hurt to leave her. I can try to decribe it by saying that it was something akin to having someone reach into the very core of me and pull out my essence, my soul, my very reason for being, but even then the analogy doesn't come close to the pain I felt. You have to understand that she was my everything. Before her, well, you know how I was before her, shy, akward, unsure, in short, a wreck. She gave me confidence. I know that doesn't seem to be that big of a thing to you, but to me, that was something phenominal. Confidence. Wow. Because of her, because of the love she had for me, I felt capable of doing anything. Like an angel getting his wings, a bird soaring in the sky...all of that lovey-dovey stuff. She gave it to me. And oh, how I soared. I was doing things I never before imagined that I could do, making friends, voicing my opinions, telling jokes, walking into a room without hiding behind my hair. Now THAT was something extraordinary.
Everytime I used to walk into a room I would get butterflies in my stomach. I KNEW that inside that room, there would be strangers ready and willing to judge, mock, and ridicule me. Ready to, with just a glance at the awkward being that was me, point their fingers and laugh at my inadaquecy. Everytime I walked into a room, I was terrified. My hair was my only defense. Somehow, by not allowing the strangers full view of my face, I could, at least partially, block their venom. Oh, I was a mess.
But then she came into my life and everything changed. I didn't start spouting poetry in her name or spontaneously sing her love songs, well once, but that was mostly because of a spell. But I had that all in me. I was giddy with love. It poured out of every cell in my being. And I'll stop now. I think you get the gist. I loved her.
So you see why her betrayal was so hurtful to me. She gave me the world, then she took it away from me. She played God. And a part of me almost hates her for it. You'd tell me that it isn't healthy to hate, that the only person I'm hurting is myself. And I'd say you're right. I'm hurting, I'm hurting all over.
She saw the error of her ways, however. She realizes that magick isn't good for her. She hurt Dawnie, she cried for help. So while I wasn't the reason she stopped, maybe I'll be a motivation for her not to continue?
Will that be good enough for me?
I'm sca-
Oh the phone is ringing, it's her, I know it is.
Momma, she wants me back, I can see it in her eyes, the way she pleads with them without meaning too...should I forgive her?
Okay guys, that's it. What do you think? Forgive me if there are any spelling or grammar errors.