New Fic: "Only Hope"

[The Next Tara Maclay]

Title:"Only Hope".
Author: The Next Tara Maclay.
Dislamer: U know the drill.
Feedback: Pwease!
Rating: Parental Guidince...

The cold breeze blew through the window that was opened in Willow's room, Her hands lighlty playing with a pen of hers as if she had nothing else to do, There was no point to her now that her lover had left her, After she had hurt Dawn, She couldn't stand being around the people she had hurt so much.. Her red curls where behind her ears, Her green eyes where dim, they were not as bright as they usually where.

Xander sat downstairs in Buffys house with Dawn as they where watching cartoons, His dark brown hair a bit messy and his dark brown eyes where glued to the screen as he made a strange remark out of the blue.

"You know, Anya doesn't like Bugs Bunny."

Dawn silently smirked a bit as her brown eyes looked over at Xander, Pulling some hair away from her face she nodded in agreement as she looked up to where the steps where.

"I know, D-do you think s-shes okay?" Dawn asked half heartedly.

"I don't know Dawn Mister. Do you want to go check on her?" Xander asked as he smiled a bit, Even though he was angry at Willow for doing what she did to Dawn.

Dawn shrugged a bit as she stood up and looked at Xander as if she where afraid to go up and talk to Willow alone she asked a bit childishly.

"Come up with me?" Dawn asked.

"Sure Dawnie!" Xander said he was trying to be all happy so that Dawn thought he was not mad at Willow.

Dawn slightly raised an eyebrow as she knew that Xander was upset with Willow as she slowly walked up the steps, Her feet making quiet steps as she walked to Willows room and slowly knocked on the door.

"W-W-W-Willow?" Dawn said, As it nearly choked out of her as if she could not say it.

"Come..in..." Willow said a bit out in space.

Xander and Dawn stepped in the room as they both looked at Willow, Who was just sittin there carrying a pen and twirling it now with her hands.

"Will, Are you okay?" Xander asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine.."Willow said quietly.

"No your not! Stop lying! You need us Willow you can't just block everyone out!! You aren't miss super hero witch strong lady like Buffy!" Dawn yelled angerly as she turned around and stomped out of Willows room and slammed her door shut as she sat down on her bed playing with her teddy bear.

"Willow needs help and she refuses!" Dawn said to herself as she looked at the Phone that she had left in her room. "Maybe I Should talk to Tara."

Xander looked at the leaving Dawn as he sighed a little and looked at Willow who now looked even more solen and upset.

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There was ringing at Taras dorm room as she picked up her phone.

"H-hello?" Tara said.

"Hi Tara, Its me Dawn."

"Oh Hi Dawnie! How are you?" Tara asked happily.

"Oh I'm fine, And you?" Dawn asked.

"Um...Umm I-i..a-am..doing better." Tara said as if she had accomplished a little..

"You miss her?" Dawn asked.

"Y-yes.." Tara said quietly.

"You know Tara You're her only hope." Dawn said quietly.

--Part 2 later. --

[WiccansIllusion]

Great start! you should definetly continue, it's an interesting theroy.

Some friendly critisim though and this is something that I'm privy too myself, the talking head syndrom as my Beta reader ( the gods that they are) put it.

Basiclly, it means too much talk and not enough drisciption. The scene's with Dawn and Xander are good, but what was Tara doing while Dawn was calling her? Where was she sitting, etc. That type of thing. All in all I'm interested in seeing where you are planning on going with this.

W.I
ps. Watch where your putting your comma's and periods. Grammer check is a wonderful invention.

[Garner]

You have an ok start to a story here, but you definitely need to work on some rough spots. For example:

< There was no point to her now that her lover had left her,> Too many “her’s in the sentence. Try “There was no point to her life now that her lover had left her,” Cut the “of her’s” in the previous sentence. It doesn’t matter whose pen she is playing with and it is assumed to be her’s.
Try “Her red curls lay behind her ears” You are also using “where” instead of “were” twice. (were dim & were behind also were watching in next para)

Dawnmeister, not mister.

< Dawn shrugged a bit as she stood up and looked at Xander as if she where afraid to go up and talk to Willow alone she asked
a bit childishly.

"Come up with me?" Dawn asked.> Drop the Dawn asked, you already have that in the last sentence. You should go with: “…Willow alone.” New para She asked a bit childishly, “Come up with me?”
Next sentence drop the “he was” so it reads Xander said, trying to be… The next sentence is also a bit of a mess. Put a period after “Willow” Then you have two “walked’s” and two “as she’s” If you then put: “She slowly walked up the steps on quiet feet as she went to Willow’s room…” That would make things a bit smoother.

I won’t go into any more right now, unless you want me to. You have Dawn’s attitude down well. Willow’s outlook is also there as well. You need to try reading your writing outloud to yourself and listen to the flow and sound of it. That may help with the awkward parts. You should keep on going, but remember to always read through your stuff once or twice and try and catch run sentences or repeated words or phrases.

Garner
PS don't be scared by rough parts or grammer problems, those are the easiest to fix. As long as you do a good job with the characters and plot, the rest will fall into place. keep it up.

[Jessie]

I think you have a strong foundation here for a good story ... keep posting!

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"And how long have you known your girlfriend's Tinkerbell?"