Relinquished Symmetry

[kisstheviolets]

just found this fic tonight and am hooked. willow's bitterness and detachment are so much more understandable now. she's had to deal not only with being left by the one person she loved, but had to live thinking that that person was purposefully taking her power from her?? nothing like being kicked while you're down right? poor, poor willow. i trust you'll get things all straightened out for our girls, with plenty of angsty (and hopefully smoochie) goodness in the meantime.



oh, and i loved that you named willows computer system "cerulean" (like tara's eye's i am assuming?). that little detail made me ache. this is such a great story, can't wait to read more soon



brandy

"i'm not like the girls that you've known but i believe i'm worth coming home to." tori amos, sleeps with butterflies

[hermitfish]

Some replies...



Grimlock72: Hi Grimmy...

Quote:

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can't Tara attempt to stop herself from actually taking that power??

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That is one of the right questions to ask. And while it isn't the worst idea for Tara to get away, they really need to communicate to each other more at the moment. Heehee...I can safely say that Tara is not intentionally evil in this story and not screw up the plot. Thanks.



tarawhipped: Hey Cam...yay...I'm all warm and snuggly now.

Quote:

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It's so painful to think of Willow convincing herself that Tara basically used her, but it makes sense from her history, self-doubt, and abandonment issues.

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Indeed...Willow's past experience aids to this but I'm at a loss how she could think Tara didn't use her in this situation. There is some physical pain associated with this imbalance/draining deal but I would say she's more constantly exhausted rather than actually emaciated or anything...but still not good. Willow's actions do show a depth to her caring about Tara...they definitely need to talk soon. Thanks, good to hear from you.



Nellinoz: Hi Nell...happiness is in the works..thanks for stopping by.



kisstheviolets: Hi Brandy...welcome to the show...glad to see you're hooked. I don't think anyone mentioned the whole blue eyes/computer system reference thing up until now but yes that was named with Tara in mind. Thanks for the trust...I'll will get them to a good place.







I'll be repeato girl here (if you read my other thread Fragments) and say I haven't decided which story to work on next...but I will start something by the weekend I imagine.



~Cyd

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When I'm sitting here with you, I don't even think about the slime people.

~The very romantic lead in The Slime People (1962)



Altered Shadows

[kisstheviolets]

ooh, i was the first to catch the computer bit?? i should win some kind of prize. i wonder, what would be an appropriate reward for such an astute observation? hmm. maybe something along the lines of... i don't know, an update perhaps??

"i'm not like the girls that you've known but i believe i'm worth coming home to." tori amos, sleeps with butterflies

[hermitfish]

One quickie before the update...

kisstheviolets:
Hi Brandy..very astute indeed.You want an update prize?Your wish is my command...

Hi, folks...today I offer you a bit of my tradition.You see today is the birthday of this little fish and on my birthday I like to give a small gift to a few special people- call it a balancing of gift karma.So to honor my 25th I bring you updates on both RS and Fragments...and a short story.Best wishes to you all.

~Cyd

Relinquished Symmetry


Disclaimer: Many rich people own BTVS and its characters…I am not one of them.
Rating: R
Author’s Notes: This storyline takes everything up to halfway through New Moon Rising as the gospel.I have made a BIG change that may make some kittens ‘thwack’ me with a shovel…or, more appropriately, a sledgehammer.Also, some of the dynamics of Angel have been altered to suit me.This is an angsty piece.
Addt’l note: A few pieces of dialogue come from the show (This Year’s Girl, NMR, Fear Itself, etc.).
Feedback: Of any sorts…sure.On the board is fine.No posting elsewhere without my consent.

PART 13

HOURS EARLIER


“Wes? Hey it’s me,” Tara whispered into the phone before moving into the bathroom but not closing the door.

Isabella sat sipping coffee as she watched the blonde pace back and forth, passing by the doorway at regular intervals. She was no doubt telling the Scoobies about her findings.


Good
, the Italian mused, looking over her boss’s slack form.
Maybe she’ll get the help she needs…finally.


The brunette could never get on board with Willow’s line of reasoning for shutting them out. She understood that the slayer was naturally attracted to danger…and vice versa. It seemed that every bad thing that blew through town gravitated towards her eventually. But that didn’t mean Willow had to be on the front line of every battle. She could be the researcher, the planner. She could do exactly what she does now, even from within the safety of these confines, and still let them in. It was very possible.

Then again, Isabella knew that the redhead had a deep fear of being poison. She seemed to think that everything she could touch would get infected and wither away sooner or later. That was what kept her so far away…she quarantined herself so she wouldn’t contaminate others.


Except myself, of course
, she thought with a shrug. Her life had been pretty low at that time…she convinced her boss hand over fist that whatever brand of poison she was spreading couldn’t sink the brunette any lower. That and a hell of a lot of persistence.

Tara hung up the phone,staring at her haggard image in the large mirror above the sink. There wasn't really an effective way to reveal ‘Guess what? I’m the big evil' over the phone.

Wes took it in nonjudgmental stride; randomly naming off volumes that could be of assistance. He was going to take it upon himself to break it to the rest of them and get the research reguided in this new direction. She was thankful for that. Telling him had been difficult. Telling Willow’s friends and family would require an in person inquisition…and she wasn’t leaving Willow just yet.

She noticed a large crack running down the mirror and traced her finger over the break absently. “Ouch,” she hissed, sucking on her index finger when it formed a drop of blood.

“You okay?” Isabella asked from the doorway.

“Fine,” the blonde answered back, running her other hand through her hair.

“Willow’s probably not waking for a while. Would you like to go to the library?”

------------------------------------

Tara gaped as the large wooden double doors opened. This was beyond a personal library…beyond that of a few books scattered on a couple of bookshelves. This was the ground zero of mystical knowledge. It was just as big as her apartment but filled with books. As she investigated closer, she noticed they were filed by some sort of strange Willow classification system. She gave a little grin… it was probably better than the Dewey and Library of Congress ones combined. There were more than just demon texts and mystical tomes as she moved through the shelves. The scope went to science, classical literature, archeology, linguistics, and art, all of them aligned in row upon row.

It was easy to see that this was her pride and joy. And knowing Willow like she did, it was no surprise to discover.

“How do I find…well anything?” the blonde asked as she took in the surroundings.

Isabella pointed at the laptop on the desk, showing her both the search feature and the directory before backing out of them room and, presumably, heading back upstairs. Tara browsed through the listings for a good portion of time before realizing that there was a section of books that was quite large. And quite familiar.

Tara fished out her phone and hit redial. She didn’t bother with a greeting and said only one line, “Ayala and nether realm spells.” She hung up the phone and scanned the stacks for this collection.


She’s researched this. She has the answer, doesn’t she? How long has she known it…how long did she search for a way to change this? How long did she search for me?

How many ways did I fail her?


She decided it would do little good to run through these books now. There were simply too many…and she was in no shape to digest this much.

Tara returned to the third floor and found it empty save for a heavily sleeping Willow. Tara took a seat and watched her carefully. She felt herself start to drift as the lack of sleep began to catch up with her. Finally her head lolled back and went to sleep.

------------------------------------

Blue eyes opened hours later to see Willow standing over her with her hands tightly tucked into her pockets.

“Willow?” Tara whispered, feeling the blurry haze between sleep and cognizance wash away.

“You should go,” Willow replied, calmly. Resolutely. She had sheltered her ambivalent traitors once more.

“When did this start?” Tara asked, shrugging away the suggestion.

“What?” Willow asked.

“The draining…you…to me.” It hurt to form the words; it was a battle to fit them together.

“You should know,” Willow responded indifferently, taking a seat on the sofa.

“But I don’t. You know I would never…”

Willow cut her off. “We don’t know each other.” Green eyes rose from her lap and met blue. “I don’t know you. I never…” The redhead bit back the rest of acrid response that wanted to form and turned to the window.

Tara fought the part of her that wanted to collapse.
I am a demon…I must be…look at how I can destroy.


But there were practical questions to be asked. Her mamma taught her to never leave things unfinished. To always clean up a mess and amend mistakes. It was all she could hope for now.

“How do we fix this?”

Willow stared at her pensively, a curious doubt tickling the corner of her mind.
Is she tricking me or was this…?


“It was the nether realm spell, wasn’t it? You had a lot of books on it, like maybe you had studied it extensively.”

“How did you…”

“Isabella let me go there.”

“Of course,” Willow nodded distractedly.
Bela trusts her? Why? She knows…


“Just tell me how to stop this and I promise I’ll never hurt you again. I promise I’ll get far away from your life. I know I owe you that much.” and more…Tara thought sadly.


Could this really just be a mistake?
Willow would have laughed if it didn’t burn so deep within her. She folded her arms into herself, clutching at the fabric on her sides.

She stared at Tara and saw a soul that, at that moment, appeared just as damaged as hers.
Will my world ever cease to shake?


When Willow’s mouth opened next, the makings of the life she had become poured from her mouth. A tale branded across her heart made it to words for the first time.



I am the water to meet your sandy side
I am the water to wash the dirt aside
~TJF


Altered Shadows

[hidden watson]

Happy Birthday Cyd! Hope you have a great day and if you happen to have the day off, enjoy it. In any event have a glass of bubbly (or juice) on me.



Back to the story. Oh good. Finally they realize the power draining is not purposely done. Baby steps. But the distrust and hurt is there in droves. This hurts

Quote:

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We don’t know each other ... I don’t know you.

---

And can I say, Isabella, thank you for taking care of Willow over the years, you have to help Tara get through to her now.

------

quiet thoughts

[stillrunning]

So I went from preparing to hate Isabella to rooting for her and being grateful. There's a 180 for you.



This update was so sad. It makes sense that the draining started with the nether realms spell, because of the whole Tara anchoring Willow thing, and how connected they were. Now if only Willow would let Tara try to help and fix it.

Quote:

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We don’t know each other ... I don’t know you.

---

That just broke my poor Kitten heart But hopefully things will clear up and get fixed, or as much as they can be.



Aaaaaand....HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

"Heaven's not a place that you go when you die...it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive"

[MissKittys Ball O Yarn]

Cyd,



First let me just say...Happy birthday! Oooo 25? you've got a whole year on me. So without further ado... here's a gift for you... Ooops! that wasn't right...way too much responsibility... lets see... *digs around in backpack* Aww.. here we go hehe...a dancing banana... and look he's dancing the dance of the brave little toaster...(no wait)...he's dancing the dance of the brave little toaster to the tune of happy birthday... (Yes..that's right. )





okay...now let me move on to updatey praise and...um... the constructive discussion part of the feedback.



So, considering that in this story line Tara left town before NMR ... I guess it makes sense that Willow would feel like she didn't really know Tara all that well...seeing as how they'd never gotten a chance to fully develop their relationship...even knowing all that...it still left me a little concerned when Willow was being all accusey in regards to the whole magic sucking problem....But at least she was able to judge from the way Tara reacted ,that maybe she didn't know what had been going on this whole time.



I hope Tara will help her figure things out and that they can start to get to know each-other again.



brilliant update sweetie.



xoxo

Emms

Edited by: MissKittys Ball O Yarn at: 3/7/05 2:54 pm

[Grimlock72]

Well I suppose to some degree the "I don't know you" is true. Tara left Willow after NMR remember, coupled with the fact in envidence about a certain draining of power... yeah I can see where that comes from.



I can imagine Willow not wanting to 'infect' others with her magical decease.. but what gave her the idea that (a) it was decease and (b) it could be transferred so easily? Besides if it could be transferred so easily, Tara might have infected her by accident as well... I sense a shortcut between the thought of Tara leaving her and her becoming ill. I suppose it makes sense if you view 'falling in love' as a descease.. I suspect Willow wants to isolate herself from that one as well.



I like Tara's approach, like this:

Quote:

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"Just tell me how to stop this and I promise I'll never hurt you again. I promise I'll get far away from your life. I know I owe you that much."

---

It's the best way to approach the situation, it avoids the entire love-brings-pain linkage. No matter how/what is going to work out between Willow and Tara, Tara will most definitly try her hardest to help Willow get better. Anything after that is really secondary (besides which, you need a healthy Willow for such things:-).



I was thinking about how the Big-O Spell wasn't that close to NMR, so what delayed the troublesome effect? Appearantly energy doesn't flow back, so it can't have been that Tara was close ??



Speaking of spells going wrong, did Willow ever notice how Tara sabotaged her demon-locator spell ?? Wouldn't exactly be trust inspiring.



This line is mayor ouchie by the way: "How many ways did I fail her?".



I do wonder why Tara referred to herself as the Big Bad, she can't be referring to anything happening in LA now can she? I would be verrry carefull how and when to tell the scoobies what. Some of them don't know much about magics but are protective of Willow which would be a bad combination at the time of the telling. (think "Tara hurting Willow magically, must help Willow" ala Cave!Buffy )



Interesting storyline for sure, compliments on coming up with it, even when only 24 years



Happy birthday, have fun!



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

[tarawhipped]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CYD!



I do hope your birthday was a whole lot less depressing than this update! There's gonna be some happy time eventually...right? I mean, how much more can you tear them down before you start on the rebuilding??? (and seriously, Cyd, the answer I'm looking for here is: none). One interesting little tidbit you snuck in here was Tara's discovery that WIllow has been researching this for a while, and it almost seems as though she might have already discovered how to break the connection. If that's true (me assuming things is often bad) then the reason she hasn't must be either that she needs the other half of the connection there, or a part of her didn't WANT to sever the link to Tara, as painful as it was.



Hopefully their continued talking will be a good thing, and by the time they both have to face the Scooby Firing Squad, they'll each have an ally in the other. Another excellent update!



-Cam

---

What should I be but just what I am? - Edna St.Vincent Millay

Edited by: tarawhipped at: 3/7/05 4:07 pm

[Safuega]

Hermitfish:



I've been reading stories in the Board for about a couple of years now, but this is the first time I feel compelled to abandon my anonymity.



The stories you are telling are great and your ability to convey emotions is amazing and wrenching, as it should be in stories like these.



Thank you for this wonderful gift. It's quite a bounty.



Happy 25th Birthday!



Safuega

[tarasgirl2]

Hey, hey, hermitfish, I can't remember if I've written feedback for this one before but if I haven't *smacking my wrist* shame on me.

Cos I loves it, yes, yes I do!

I love how well you write the characters, especially Willow in her tortured existence.



As for the latest update, I have a question:

Quote:

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Could this really just be a mistake?

---

Quote:

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Will my world ever cease to shake?

---

Are these two lines from a song lyric? They just sound so perfect together and I was wondering if it was simply a happy coincidence in your writing, or if indeed it was quite deliberate. Either way, I like 'em!



Do please keep writing, I love this story.



Michaela

"No dancing naked, huh? Sigh. It just won't be the same." - Willow

"That's all right, we can save it for later." - Tara

(Wilderness Part 1 by Amber Benson & Christopher Golden)

[kisstheviolets]

happy belated birthday cyd from a fellow piscean (my birthday is the 11th)! you know, they say we're dreamy creative types - it's apparent you got all of the pisces genes that i'm sorely lacking! thanks so much for sharing your talents with us.



i'm so relieved that willow is finally getting that tara had no idea about the power draining. i just wish she'd stop being so tough. when she told tara that they didn't know each other i about died. they've got to get to the bottom of this stuff and fix it soon, my heart can't take much more. and it's all about me, in case you didn't get the memo. i jest.



again, happy birthday and keep the updates coming



brandy

"i'm not like the girls that you've known but i believe i'm worth coming home to." tori amos, sleeps with butterflies

[hermitfish]

Wow...was there a lot of comment about this line so I will address it first.

Quote:

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We don’t know each other ... I don’t know you.

---

This is indeed an extremely bitter line spoken by a very heartbroken woman. This is less about a timeline issue (how long they knew each other) and really about the total loss of trust and how that deception made Willow question everything she thought she knew about Tara (i.e. someone in love with me wouldn't do this...maybe everything she said was a lie type thing). Keep in mind this statement was made before Willow began to suspect that this could be accidental. Hopefully the sentiment will not veer quite so dark again. I do one day hope to stop with the anguish and torture and progress to something more...like right around now.



On to individuals....



hidden watson: Hi-ya Watson...there was no day off but a good time was had. Willow is beginning to realize that this was accidental but the hurt is still there in droves, as you said. Thanks for dropping in.



stillrunning: Well the draining and the flaming O spell are related, but not necessarily directly. And gee, vague much? Anyway...Willow letting Tara in is a big obstacle to overcome indeed.



Grimlock72: I think the 'poison' thing is more metaphorical fear than anything literal or relating to the magick. I didn't mean it in a communicable disease transfer sort of way. Willow just seems to think she is the destroyer...in her relationships, life, etc...she thought it was best to box herself away.



Tara is looking at this very practically...she's not expecting Willow to love her or ever love her again. She's boiled it down to 'fix Willow and then move on with my life'.

Quote:

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I was thinking about how the Big-O Spell wasn't that close to NMR, so what delayed the troublesome effect? Apparently energy doesn't flow back, so it can't have been that Tara was close ??

---

Once again...you ask good questions...we'll have to wait and see.



Since I didn't actually give that Wes/Tara convo (maybe I should have), I think that 'Big Bad' comment was more Tara's own guilt at herself...not the way she or Wes would phrase it to the Scoobies. (Though I do now have images CaveBuffy running around trying to protect Willow with a club...so thanks for that )



Glad I'm keeping you hooked on the storyline. Yeah, I'm young in years but old in soul.



MissKittys Ball O Yarn: Emms...are you trying to give me a preemptive heart attack with the baby emoticon? Now, dancing fruit is much of the good. Both parties are realizing that this is very much an accident...now onto the repair work. Thanks.



tarawhipped: Cameron, sweetie, I'll say it for you: None.



Safuega: Hi, and wow, I've lulled you out of the lurkiness. With all the wonderful writers that grace us with their pen around here, you given me a great gift...truly I'm honored.



tarasgirl2: Hi, Michaela. Thanks so much for the comments. Heh...those are not song lyrics (to my knowledge)...I'd like to say it was some well thought out poetic license but it was just accidental rhyming thought. Um, scratch that...it was totally planned. I have full reign of terror over all my writings



kisstheviolets: Brandy...happy birthday today



Hope all is well, including your heart, which I unintentionally tried to bruise in your chest with all the anx. There will be a swing in the emotions of Willow...especially now as she learns the truth.

Quote:

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it's all about me, in case you didn't get the memo.

---

Ya' know I had no idea...damn fax machine always loses the paper work.





Well Fragments will get my attention this weekend first, then a short story, then this...so expect a wait on part 14. There is no way I can complete all three...hmm, I hope I didn't spoil you kittens by doing that last week.



~Cyd

---

I am the water to meet your sandy side

I am the water to wash the dirt aside

~TJF



Altered Shadows

[Irishgrl3]

Again Happy Belated Birthday! Dancing elephants for you.



Bela seems to trust Tara, so hopefully Willow will come around. She still seems mighty bitter. I am very interested to see what she has to say in the next chapter. Great update!

-anna

[cperrins78]

You must update the story. I just finished reading all the chapters this evening. I found this story after reading Fragments of Perception. I loved that story so much I had to read your other stories. I hope you update soon.

[GayNow]

I...there's just....um....what....the part where....how did....and then the....and with Willow.....but Tara was....and all the.....



So, yeah. I've been left speechless. I am lacking a feedback novella. Perhaps I'm still processing. I dunno. But, please, I beg of you, update.



Carleen

‘Well hello you big old monster you, I fart in your general direction!’ --Willow "WtVS: Episode One: Hellmouth High



"I support your lifestyle choice. You go gay girl." -- Anya "A Hot and Heavy Halloween"

[hermitfish]

Irishgrl3: Oh, Anna...I'm so sorry I missed your feedback...with b-day wishes to boot...I'm such a clod. Thanks for the elephant...I shall dub it Pinky. Pinky's dancing is soothing...hmm did you put a hypnotic suggestion that says 'work on update' in there? I think it's may be trancing me into writing on this again...finally.



perrins78: Welcome Christina...I'm glad you story hopped with me and found this one to be interesting as well.



GayNow: Hi Carleen....welcome. Process at your own rate...this story is not anywhere near finish and you've got plenty of time to pull your thoughts together. I do always love hearing what you have to say...novella or not.







Here are the words several Kittens have been waiting quite patiently to hear: I have returned. I shall begin the update today.



~Cyd

---

And I recall in spring

The perfume that the air would bring

to the indolent town ~Decemberists



Altered Shadows

[hermitfish]

PART 14


“An open spell and a binding.” Willow said simply, as if that explained everything.


Open spell?
Tara’s mind echoed. “Like an unfinished spell?” she clarified.

Off the redhead’s nod, Tara contemplated more before looking up blankly.
The nether realm spell was a completed one. Right?


“Synchronicity,” Willow supplied.

“The rose? But that wasn’t open. It was a failed spell because of the interference from that other sorcerer.” Tara reasoned.

“That’s what I thought at first” Willow stood and disappeared into her bedroom, returning with a plain leather bound book. She sat it in front of the blonde before retaking her seat. Tara turned to the page marked by a medium sized notepad of an English translation in Willow’s handwriting.

Detailed on the page, in methodically clean print, was the entire progression of the ritual, including a closure that featured a chant and a pouring of a second mixture of sand and salts to separate each caster’s energies.

“We didn’t do any of this…”

“Hence the not being finished part. I sorta mistranslated it then…I was more concerned with…” Willow gave a futile and frustrated sigh.
I was trying to impress you.


Even with her reluctance to say, Tara could see the answer. She wanted to reach out and pull this woman into her arms. Tell her she never stopped loving her…but that was impossible. They had damaged each other so much that they couldn’t even touch. Plus, it was unlikely that the woman across from her, shelled by an icy exterior that covered deeply inflamed anger and pain, would ever want her any closer than they currently were, if that. The best she could settle for was this mostly civil conversation filled with brutal realizations.

So the blonde continued on. “Our energies stayed merged without the completion of the spell. What did the nether realm spell do?”

“You anchored my energies, bound them to you…it didn’t release and return when you brought me back from the netherworld. Quite the side effect.” The quip had no bite.

“Wouldn’t we have noticed that you couldn’t do spells then?” Tara asked, trying to get her head around each piece.

“Not until we stopped casting together. The conjuring of the Katra, the séance at the dorm…we did them together. It wasn’t until I tried to do a spell alone that I noticed I couldn’t. The rift got larger as more spells were done separately.”

“But there’s a way to fix this…rebalance our power?” Tara stared deep into green eyes, begging for a way to mend some of the damage.

“It’s not necessary.” Willow stated, throwing Tara for yet another loop.

A pair of keys dropped in the kitchen and Isabella muttered under her breath. The two women turned their heads simultaneously. “I didn’t mean to intrude…I just needed the key ring I left here earlier.”

“You didn’t intrude…I have things to attend to anyway.” Willow departed, as if the whole conversation hadn’t happened, and went to her bedroom.

Tara rose to follow her. “Willow wait…” The door shut without a pause. Tara absently stepped backwards as if physically struck. A tap on her shoulder brought her back.

“Maybe you should go,” Isabella gently suggested, not even trying to pretend she hadn’t heard the whole conversation. “She’s not gonna be real talkative or cooperative right now.”

The witch agreed, logically it was probably true, but it hurt that someone else knew what was best for Willow. That she didn’t understand her anymore. Before they were so in tune…they got each other’s quirky jokes and unique perspectives on all topics great and small. Now, someone else had to figure her love out…comfort her…because the blonde witch couldn’t.

Tara left the building, lost and dejected. She found Wes sitting on the hood of his rental car thumbing through a text. How long he had been there was unclear, although his face was a little red from sun exposure.

“You turned off your cell and we have big trouble tonight…” he trailed off as he saw her worn expression. She kept walking straight into his arms, putting her head on his shoulder and not saying a word.

He didn’t know what to do so he just kept holding on.

------------------------------------------------



It was an accident.


Willow sat on the foot of the bed, staring at the fibers of the area rug. The thought was settling into place…slowly. For three years she thought she had been the hapless one conspired against. That Tara had realized their powers were merged. That she had then chose a spell that anchored Willow’s power to her own, even if it was in the name of saving Buffy. Then she had left, knowing that when they stopped casting together the power would primarily be hers.

Willow began laughing…loud and uncontrollably. It was stupid and farfetched to believe anyone would think that much about her. She had built this self-centered scheme revolving around Tara stealing her life away. Like the redhead was some mythical sorceress with power that could destroy the world. In truth…she was nothing.

Her cackling stopped and she wiped away the tears that had squeezed out of the corner of her eyes. She scooted back onto the bed and leaned into the mountain of pillows.


I'm so utterly nothing that Tara just up and left without a word. Everything else…well, it was just a mistake.


Tears of a different sort fell from her eyes suddenly. She batted them away as the door drew open and Isabella walked in, her arms crossed over her chest tightly.

“What the hell are you doing?” she spat, withholding a slew of Italian obscenities that would have made her father send her to back to Catholic school.

“This isn’t your concern.” Willow replied bluntly as she stood and straighten her clothes.

“So…I’m just supposed to sit back and watch you destroy yourself…and take that woman right along with you?”

“Why do you care?” Willow shot back.

Isabella felt her stomach turn. “Because you’re my friend…”

“I’m nothing but your boss, Bela.”

“You really think I’m just here for the money?”

The redhead didn’t respond.

“Damnit, you may be able to chase Tara off by saying hurtful things, but you’re not even halfway to my melting point yet. So don’t try that crap with me. I know you have a way to fix this…I want you better, she wants you better…why don’t you want to be better?”

Willow said something so faintly that the older woman missed it.

“What?”

Willow sat heavily on the end of the bed. “Cause then I won’t be able to feel her anymore. She’ll leave and she’ll be gone forever this time.”

“Um…” Isabella said confused.

“When she casts, I can still feel it, even though it doesn’t hurt me anymore. She’s so strong…and to know she’s been fighting the darkness all this time. And when she casts…” Willow paused. “When she casts, I know she’s safe…that she’s protecting herself. I can’t take that away…even though my power must be nearly inconsequential to her. After all, she couldn’t even tell she had it.”

“Maybe you’re devaluing yourself,” the Italian said softly, finding the bouncing emotions of her boss to be something totally new. She took a seat next to the redhead.

“It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to take it away from her…she deserves it all.”

Isabella took her hand. “Don’t you see that she doesn’t want it all…not if the price is hurting you, whether it be physically, mentally, or emotionally. Even I can tell that and I’ve only just met her.”

“But what do I do?” the redhead leaned onto her shoulder.

“You go where she’s staying and do whatever it is you have to do to make this right.”

“Then she’ll leave. Everyone always leaves.”

“Well, that’s her decision…and you have to let her make it.” The olive skinned woman patted Willow’s small, pale hands. “You do know that not everyone leaves you, right? I mean I’m still here and I haven’t got a raise in six months.”

An empty, halfhearted chuckle was her response. She lifted her head and kissed Isabella’s cheek. “I guess she staying at Buffy’s.”

“So go find her.”




Where I go, you go with me
Though the miles keep us apart
~Garnet Rogers


Altered Shadows

[MissKittys Ball O Yarn]

Oh Man! Cyd! That was incredibly great!! I mean...it started off kinda depressing what with, willow being so matter-of-fact and then leaving Tara and shutting the door in her face. And the whole part about Tara leaving after Willow shut the door in her face, and Willow thinking that Tara left so quickly because she doesn't feel anything for Willow anymore...That was so sad! And I was gonna cry then...all over my bowl of cereal (it was fortunate for me that I kept on reading) Cause then...then Willow disclosed to Bela the real reason she didn't want to take her power back from Tara.....I thought I was gonna cry that whole time... Cause we finally got to know the real reason, behind Willow's behavior... and I so didn't want the update to be over...but then it was and I was like NOOOOOOO!!! *deep breath* But the best part...the best part is that Willow is going to go to Tara at Buffy's house! But now I'm all scared that Tara isn't going to be there when Willow gets there and that that will only reinforce the whole "people always leave me" issue Willow's obsessing over. OH GOD I hope Tara is there when she gets there! Please Cyd...let Tara be there.... * breath* *breath* *breath*



okay.... I think I need medication..... hehe... NO Wait! I just need another update to this wonderfully wonderful, incredibly awesome, great, good, grand, beyond words story!



xoxo

Emms (Henny, Rhi, and Cyds #1 still not stalkery, but getting close to it, Fan )



Edited, because I had more stuff to say, and only realized it after I posted. *scurries off laughing insanely*

To the smut! ~ Me

Edited by: MissKittys Ball O Yarn  at: 4/21/05 10:14 am

[GayNow]

Cyd~



I've retained a significant amount of the speechlessness I displayed in my earlier reply. However, I think I've found a few words somewhere in the whirlwind that is my brain after reading (and rereading) this update.

Quote:

---

She wanted to reach out and pull this woman into her arms. Tell her she never stopped loving her…but that was impossible. They had damaged each other so much that they couldn’t even touch. Plus, it was unlikely that the woman across from her, shelled by an icy exterior that covered deeply inflamed anger and pain, would ever want her any closer than they currently were, if that. The best she could settle for was this mostly civil conversation filled with brutal realizations.

---

Quote:

---

Willow began laughing…loud and uncontrollably. It was stupid and farfetched to believe anyone would think that much about her. She had built this self-centered scheme revolving around Tara stealing her life away. Like the redhead was some mythical sorceress with power that could destroy the world. In truth…she was nothing.

---

These two sections just shook me. The palpability of their pain--and their inability to share and comfort each other--is heartbreaking.



What I find interesting is the apparent role reversal. At least, that's how I perceive it. We've become so accustomed to viewing Willow as the stronger, more confident person in their early relationship, whereas Tara is in a more submissive "I'll do anything, even hurt myself, to know that you're okay" role. But here, those roles are switched. How this is going to play out should be interesting. Of course, and it wouldn't be the first time, I could be reading this all wrong.



Anyway, I'm entirely engrossed in this beautifully crafted tale. I'm looking forward to a future (near future, hopefully) update.



Thank you for sharing, Cyd.



Carleen

---

‘Well hello you big old monster you, I fart in your general direction!’ --Willow WtVS: Episode One: Hellmouth High



"I support your lifestyle choice. You go gay girl." -- Anya A Hot and Heavy Halloween



"Please feel free to enjoy your lesbianism." -- Anya Art Appreciation

[Irishgrl3]

Yay, it's an update, I'm doing the snoopy dance... good thing I'm in my office alone cause it isn't pretty.

The more I read the more I like Bela, I know I've said that before but she really has great advice. Time to follow that advice and fix this so the girls can move on - together I mean. Great chapter!

-anna

[Grimlock72]

Painfull update, as is to be expected with this story... we'll get to the happy part yet... just taking the long route I suppose



I don't understand how Willow so quickly reached the conclusion that Tara had stolen her power on purpose and ran away with them. It's a good thing she can sort of laugh about thinking that now, but I'm left wondering what triggered her into thinking of Tara as evil all of a sudden (they were sort of in-love before that, right?).



It's nice of Willow that she wants Tara to keep her power, however Tara should make that choice (even though T's answer is predictable ). Isabella is a good mediator, used to bitchy Willow and not so much impressed by her .



Having Tara keeping Willow's magick power wont work either way. Now that Tara knows where the power comes from she will refrain from doing any magic in fear of harming Willow.



I'm a bit suspicious about Wesley's mentioning troubles... will that mean Tara has to back to LA? That would be rather disasterous timing on his part, if Willow comes to Buffy's house (Willow actually leaving her house at all is a near miracle) and finds Tara has gone back to LA... not a pretty thought.



Willow is fairly smart, given that she has all this knowledge about what happened year's ago with those spells... and has had the knowledge for years to think about... How come Willow is still surprised to actually hear from Tara it was all an accident, why cling to grand "victim" setup ??



She does indeed devalue herself, as Isabella noted, not sure why she thinks that is nessecary. Even without Tara Willow is still a smart young woman, capable of lots of things non-magick related... she'll realize that eventually I hope.



Sad update, indeed... I feel sooooo sorry for Willow and Tara



Grimmy

--
"You hurt Tara," Willow said too calmly. "The last one who tried that was a god. I made her regret it." -- Unexpected Consequences by Lisa of Nine

Edited by: Grimlock72 at: 4/21/05 1:26 pm

[cperrins78]

So glad that there was an update. I hope Tara is at home when Willow goes looking for her. Can't wait for the next update.





Christina

[Safuega]

Cyd, Cyd, you make my heart hurt every single time you update this story! I have to applaud again your ability to cause such visceral and raw physical reactions to such a somber tale. Well done.



As for finding out that the draining of Willow's power was just a mistake, well, I just feel like it was nothing more than the first painful removal of something that has many, many layers. At the root of Willow's grief lies the fact of having never understood why Tara left in the first place. Having the theft theory debunked only leaves Willow more devastated because she finally has an answer of sorts. If Tara did not leave because of the magic theft, then the only other explanation that Willow can come up with is that she herself is lacking in some way.



Also, having the theory debunked helps to support Willow's belief that she and Tara may have never known each other. In a very real way that is true because had they been together a little longer then perhaps Tara would have learned to trust Willow's love, and Willow would have picked up on Tara's fears. As it is, we have two damaged women who are still turning away from each other and seeking comfort from other people.



Oh man, I'm not even a fan of Cher but this story makes me want to break into my own rendition of "If We Could Turn Back Time."



Thanks for sharing this wonderfully sad story.



Safuega

[Viximon]

I just can say

Love love love the story.



(I don't have any time to leave review so I have to make it quikly, sorry about that)



Ps: Loooooove looove the fic. Update soon

[Naeryn]

Okay, all the bloody cliffhangers pissed me off. And I only had to scroll down to get to the next part!



It's brilliantly written. You seem to make the characters so real. I think if I could I'd jump into the story myself, smack both Willow and Tara upside the head and say "Make it better, dammit!"



*is totally relating to the Turn Back Time thing - and actually could because she knows all the words* If we could turn back time, if we could find a way, I'd take back those words that hurt you, and you'd stay...



Please update very soon. If I go into cardiac arrest now, I blame you! Which, by the way, is probably the highest compliment I can give... go figure that one.

[hidden watson]

The methodical way the discussed how Willow's power transferred to Tara was almost clinical, and it broke my heart. When Willow shut the door in Tara's face my poor heart suffered another blow. I don't cry often when I read stories, but the beginning of this chapter certainly made me tear up a little. You sure are playing with my fragile heart-strings, but in a good way.



Willow's eternal self-doubt, that Tara will see she is nothing, and leave her, that's so typical Willow, and so typically wrong. There's still a lot to talk about, and trust to build, and love to re-discover. I just hope Tara is actually at Buffy's.

------

quiet thoughts

[kisstheviolets]

Quote:

---

She wanted to reach out and pull this woman into her arms. Tell her she never stopped loving her…but that was impossible.

---

impossible imshmossible. tell her, tara! tell her!



oh cyd, the things you do to my frail little heart. the masochist in me absolutely loves it!



i'm surprised at how easily willow took bela's suggestion to go to tara. given the way she's been behaving i would not have expected her to be so open to anything. particularly that. not that i'm not glad she's having some kind of breakthrough that could lead to w/t smoochies



me...breath... bated...waiting,



brandy

"i'm not like the girls that you've known but i believe i'm worth coming home to." tori amos, sleeps with butterflies

[hermitfish]

Wow...what a quick turn around on feedback...thanks of course...you will be rewarded with another update.





MissKittys Ball O Yarn: Emms...I'm not sure I've ever said this as well as I should have but - I LOVE YOUR FEEDBACK. It never fails that I'm laughing myself silly by the end of it.



I know the first part of that update was a little tough to take but there was a glimmer of hope at the end...Willow leaving her safety to find Tara is indeed a big deal.



I don't want you medicated...I like you this way. Of course that means I better supply an update...hmm, is one day fast enough?



GayNow: Hi Carleen...

Quote:

---

What I find interesting is the apparent role reversal. At least, that's how I perceive it. We've become so accustomed to viewing Willow as the stronger, more confident person in their early relationship, whereas Tara is in a more submissive "I'll do anything, even hurt myself, to know that you're okay" role. But here, those roles are switched.

---

There is a role reversal here...based mostly on what they took away from their initial relationship. Tara has become more confident, stronger. She found a way to live without Willow (not that she wanted to...mind you) and yet still belong somewhere. Willow's deep-seated insecurities have overtaken her...she feels inconsequential, useless (which, of course, is unsubstantiated). She never really learned to live without Tara...she just put on a tough front and isolated herself with the pain. It makes for some issues to address. I'm glad you're enjoying.



Irishgrl3: Well, I didn't expect Bela to have such a large role initially but Willow is just not in a good place...and somebody has to help pull her out. While it would be great if it was Tara, they simply don't have the trust yet. Following decent advice is the place to start...heaven knows Willow is a wreck and needs to start somewhere. Thanks so much.



Grimlock72: I don't think Willow has been thinking too clearly in matters concerning Tara. The biggest question in her mind all this time is why did Tara leave her? I think it just seemed too convenient to Willow that Tara and her magick were gone at the same time. Yes, Willow was in love with her...but she can't be sure what Tara felt/feels for her because it still revolves around that question. Willow's line of thinking is - If she loved me, she wouldn't have run away.



I think it really revolves around her insecurities and what they have manifested into in her self-imposed isolation. It was easier for her to believe she was the victim because it gave her a reason to need to be protected from the world around her. She can't see what an amazing smart and accomplished woman she is...she can only see the damage and the fear. It's a lot to work through...give me time on this long road. Thanks, Grimmy.



cperrins78: Hi-ya Christina...thanks so much.



Safuega: Can I applaud you on your ability to summate my points...cause I am.

Quote:

---

At the root of Willow's grief lies the fact of having never understood why Tara left in the first place. Having the theft theory debunked only leaves Willow more devastated because she finally has an answer of sorts. If Tara did not leave because of the magic theft, then the only other explanation that Willow can come up with is that she herself is lacking in some way.

---

Indeed...having mentioned this in above comment, not understanding why Tara left is certainly the root of her many problems. The only other answer Willow can see is that there was something wrong with her...and until she gets Tara's perspective it will be an issue.

Quote:

---

As it is, we have two damaged women who are still turning away from each other and seeking comfort from other people.

---

Yes, to this as well. What trust they had has deteriorated and it must be built again before any good can come of this. Thanks so much.



Viximon: Oh, no worries on not leaving a long review...I appreciate hearing that you're enjoying the story in any form.



Naeryn: Yeah, imagine if you had to wait with some of those cliffhangers...I'm kinda evil.



I think there's a long line of people wanting to jump in and play knockabout. There's a lot to sort through and I promise I'm working on it. Please, don't go into cardiac arrest...that sort of guilts me into wanting to update faster...hey! you're kinda evil too.



hidden watson: I know Willow was really methodical in the detailing of events and I know it is hard to see her in this state, but just the fact that she revealed anything is actually an improvement from how she has been closing herself off and bottling her emotions up. Not much of an improvement, mind you...but this isn't a Band-Aid sized wound so the repair work will be extensive. Thanks so much Watson.



kisstheviolets: Hi Brandy...

Quote:

---

i'm surprised at how easily willow took bela's suggestion to go to tara. given the way she's been behaving i would not have expected her to be so open to anything. particularly that.

---

Willow trusts Bela and she's not exactly rational about this...and I think she's starting to recognize that in herself. Also, it's killing her to keep continuously pushing Tara away.







As I hinted before...update coming up shortly.



~Cyd

---

Where I go, you go with me

Though the miles keep us apart

~Garnet Rogers



Altered Shadows

[hermitfish]

Relinquished Symmetry
Disclaimer: Many rich people own BTVS and its characters…I am not one of them.
Rating: R
Author’s Notes: This storyline takes everything up to halfway through New Moon Rising as the gospel.I have made a BIG change that may make some kittens ‘thwack’ me with a shovel…or, more appropriately, a sledgehammer.Also, some of the dynamics of Angel have been altered to suit me.This is an angsty piece.
Addt’l note: A few pieces of dialogue come from the show (This Year’s Girl, NMR, Fear Itself, etc.).
Feedback: Of any sorts…sure.On the board is fine.No posting elsewhere without my consent.


PART 15


Willow honestly didn’t know why she was walking the streets of Sunnydale hours after her talk with Isabella. She knew where she was supposed to be going and whom she was going to see, but still she wandered in neighborhoods she hadn’t seen in years. A faint voice in her head told her it was after dark in a town full of scary monsters and she had no weapon. She was ignoring that rational voice…since Tara blew back into town two nights ago, the scientist had pretty much not paid it much heed at all.

Instead she was running on underused and, now, erratic emotions. Tara was taking the brunt of her wrath. It seemed like every time she was in a room with the blonde either she either struck out at her or clammed up tight. It felt wrong. It felt unnatural. But still it happened.

Her footfalls finally turned an instinctive right as her eyes caught the green road sign proclaiming Revello Drive. She stopped and sighed, lifting the clutched book at her side and eyeing its antiquity. She hadn’t told Isabella what it would actually take to ‘heal herself’ as her assistant had so simply put it. She wasn’t even sure that it was possible or that it was safe. It was a risk…an uncalculated one. Willow didn’t take risks these days…with anything. Why would she want to take one now with the two things that had hurt her most in her life – magick and Tara?


It isn’t just your decision to make.


That was what made her feet move forward again, knuckles tightening white over the spine once more. The least she could do was show her what it would take and convince her it was too dangerous. After that, her obligation to this matter would be over and she could stop hurting both of them with the horrible things that kept falling from her mouth.

With a resolute nod, she shifted into a faster walking pace and crossed the road to reach the Summers’ home. When she got within a certain close distance, she began hearing shouts and the indelible sounds of a numerous instances of property damage.

As she got within sight distance, she saw the unfolding carnage.

Windows were breaking, demons were snarling, and everyone had a weapon in tow.

Saturday night was hardly the loneliest night of the week for a slayer and her friends in Sunnydale.

There were eight vampires and two larger creatures with red shimming scales and sickle clawlike hands and tiny horns on its brow. Make that seven vampires as Buffy tossed one onto the picket fence, impaling it on the ornamental wooden post cap causing a four-foot section of the structure to collapse. A few of the vampires and one of the red demons ganged up on her as she completed her move, as these things usually do, in fights with the slayer.

“Aww…Buffy I just remodeled that,” Xander complained from underneath a headlock, before Anya moved behind them and drove a stake through the back of its chest. The carpenter squirmed out of the way just in time to miss his own impaling.

Wes was swinging a broadsword valiantly but finding that the tough skin of the other red demon was hard to penetrate. “Sssst,” he hissed as a claw grazed the back of his forearm. Apparently those sickle protrusions were as sharp as they appeared. Xander and Anya joined in trying to take careful swats at the creature.

Dawn, Oz, and Tara were behind a makeshift barrier of a overturned outdoor table equipped with three crossbows. Arrows were in short supply between the three of them and Oz was the only one that had snagged a vamp. Tara finally struck an undead heart, having to lose the protection of the barrier and move to the end of the front porch to get a better angle. She didn’t see the other fanged crawler that had snuck up behind her…but Willow did.

“Tara look out!” she screamed, momentarily surprising a number of the combatants of both good and evil with her cry.

The blonde turned and found herself engaged another fight…and while hand to hand wasn’t her preferred method of engagement she was skilled enough to strike and run. That she did as she struck it with the brunt of the crossbow and leapt over the railing of the porch to the open ground. She landed in an even low crouch and turned back towards the vampire. Her hands shot up to cast but she stopped suddenly and tried to backpedal further. The hesitation was all the creature needed to jump off the railing and hit her squarely, knocking the wind out of her with one large whoosh. She wheezed as she tried to hold the former man at arms length and get a breath in edgewise.

“Use a spell, Tara,” Willow half yelled, half begged as she ran towards the pair from the side of the Jeep and sloppily tackled it off of her. She had seen Tara’s hesitation…knew what it meant and it resulted in her automatically flinging herself into action. She landed hard and awkwardly in the dew-covered grass, staying face down on impact.

Tara jumped up, fueled by a second wind and a fierce motivation to keep the vampire off of Willow. She reached down to her boot and pulled out a stake where her normal mystical daggers would be. Still not calling on her magick, she threw her shoulder into a tackle of her own and slid the wooden implement through the unbeating organ of the monster. She shuffled to her knees as it turned to dust on her follow through.

A loud set of clicking noises emenated from one of the red beasts and they simultaneously pulled away and ran down the street with one remaining vampire that Buffy hadn’t taken care of in her barrage. Suddenly the front lawn was filled with semiconfused monster fighters and the remains of battle wreckage that causes Home Depot to be their most frequent shipping trip.

“Wes,” the blonde witch cried, gesturing at the redhead still lying on the ground. He rushed over to help, but pulled up prematurely as Willow turned over slowly with a grown. As she began to sit up, Tara ran her eyes over her checking her for injuries. Other than a muddy, grass stained top and a small cut near her temple she appeared to be okay.

“Willow!” Dawn exuberantly said as she ran over and helped her up with a crushing hug that nearly knocked her back down. “You’re here!”

Willow nodded slightly as she pulled back, still a little shaky but intact.

“Just another day at the office for you guys,” she said quietly. She took in the stares that were firmly planted on her. Dawn, of course, looked ecstatic. Xander, Anya, and Wes were surprised, but not looking at her all that harshly. Oz had that deep thought crinkle she remembered he used to get sometimes. Buffy looked like she was staring at a ghost.

The only person not looking at her was Tara. She was staring at her hands, as if she too just realized what she had done. Or not done.

The danger of this life came back to Willow in one fail swoop. Tara did this every night, just the two of them…different towns, different monsters. A chill settled at the base of her spine…she needed to do whatever it took to make sure this magick reluctance never happened to Tara again.

That was far more important than her pettyiness or her broken, abandoned heart. Tara’s life…her safety outshined them both.

Willow walked over to the Jeep and retrieved the book she had discarded. She returned in front of the blonde and placed it in her open hands, careful not to graze her skin.

“I need to apologize.”




Where I go, you go with me
Though the miles keep us apart
~Garnet Rogers


Altered Shadows