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[center]See Chapter One for disclaimers. Thanks always to starcomed for the beta.[/center]
Chapter Seven - Nervousness
Things are better, we’re talking, had dinner… and morning sickness.
A forsaken magick book lay open on her bed, while Willow paced her dorm room. She had a shower, got cleaned up and was now waiting for ‘later’. Her schoolwork barely held her attention and she had finished it without any of her usual eagerness. The room was tidied and cleaned, twice. Napping was impossible, even if she was tired, her brain would tick over and stick on thoughts of Tara. She needed a distraction; magick was the wrong choice. It made her feel worse. There was still something lacking in it. So she treaded the floor in a figure eight.
What’s ‘later’? ‘Later’ can be any time. I mean, ‘now’ is ‘later’ than ‘then’ isn’t it? It’s ‘later’ than ‘then’ that was ‘earlier’. She looked at the clock. But ‘later’ probably doesn’t mean 2 hours, ‘later’ probably means at least 3 or 4 or 5 hours. Stupid Saturday, can’t even go to class. What did I usually do on Saturdays? She flopped down on her bed and closed her eyes.
Spend them with Tara… sweet, kind, pretty… no, beautiful, se-....
Willow sat up, swung her legs over the side of the bed, stood up, and made her way to the phone. She picked up the receiver and started to dial, then put it down. Then she picked it up again and slowly put it down once more.
No, I’m the call-ee, not the caller. Tara’s going to call me… later.
She started pacing again.
I’m obsessed. Well, of course I am! Made friend pregnant, friend having baby. My baby.
I’ll clean and reformat my laptop. That’ll keep me busy. She walked over to her desk, opened her laptop and booted up.
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Tara came home. She spent a few hours going over all the information she had, then made a few important phone calls. There was so much to look at, it left her feeling more informed, and a little terrified. She would be caring, solely, for this brand new person.
When she finally settled in for her nap she tried not to think about Willow. The ‘how’s’ and the ‘why’s’. No, it didn’t matter; but she couldn’t help thinking about them. It was futile, so she concentrated on the baby until she drifted off. When she awoke, she lay on her side tucked safely in the warmth of a comforter. The nap was definitely needed and now she was so comfortable that she didn’t even want to stretch.
I could lie here all day.…
“Ummm.” She stretched her arms and legs, so they jutted out the top of the blanket and her feet escaped out the bottom. The air felt chilly on her extremities and she quickly curled back under, pulling the blanket over her to seal out the draft. She laughed good-naturedly at herself and closed her eyes once more.
Just a little longer.
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Willow finished formatting her laptop after backing up crucial data. She finished re-loading the last of her programs and files.
Now it is time to download new updates. And there you go! She tried to keep her eyes on the download bar but they kept flitting upward to that little spot up in the upper right hand corner of the screen. The computer’s clock.
4:17, we saw each other at 1:14. That’s technically over 3 hours, 3 hours and 3 minutes… that’s ‘later’ isn’t it?
The download bar finished and an install program automatically launched. She crossed her legs, waving her raised foot fitfully.
I need to go to the bathroom, but what if she call’s while I’m out? It’s not like I don’t have an answering machine. But, I want to make sure to talk to her, in person; I don’t want her to get the answering machine. She looked at the clock, 4:25.
Every passing minute tortured her; she had crossed her legs the other way. She glanced anxiously at the digital numbers taunting her, 4:47. Finally the pressure on her bladder was stronger than her will power. Biting her lip, she stood up, hesitated, and did a little kind of dance at the phone before running for the bathroom.
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Although staying in bed all day was enticing, Tara didn’t dally for too long. She stayed in bed just 15 minutes more, then threw the comforter off to spur her out of bed. The cool air on her warm body got her up quickly and she stretched fully. “Ummmm!”
“Oh.” She stood up feeling a little light headed.
I should have a snack, then a walk. It doesn’t really get dark for another couple of hours.
Tara walked over to her fridge, a bowl of fruit beaconed to her and she took an apple. She looked at her phone.
I should call her. Maybe invite her for a walk? A walk is… safe.
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Willow ran back to her room, straight for the phone and answering machine. No messages. She pouted and looked at the clock, 4:59. The laptop had shut down and re-booted, finishing its update.
Huffing, she sat glumly on her bed and shut the magick book sitting next to her.
- - ring, ring - -
Willow looked up quickly and smiled.
Tara!
- - ring, ring - -
She hopped up, making her way to the phone. Her hands instantly became flushed and twitchy as she picked up the receiver.
“Hello.” Willow spoke brightly.
“Hi, Willow. I, um…” Tara was still a little wary.
Things are still so unclear and tentative, but Willow is trying.
“Tara… so it’s later.” Willow could sense Tara’s trepidation.
“Yes it is. Um, I’m going for a walk, so if you want to join me….”
“A walk? Walking is good, stretching out the old leg muscles, a bit of the cardiovascular. I’d like that!” Willow answered, a little too enthusiastically.
“O-kay. Why don’t we meet in 10 minutes in front of the cafeteria? Or, do you need more time?” Tara suggested.
Definitely eager.
“Nope, 10 minutes.”
“Ok… um, bye.”
“Bye Tara.” Willow hung up and grabbed a jacket, a stake, checked herself in the mirror and swiftly departed.
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So, just a walk and if it feels ok I’ll invite Willow up… to talk. Not that we ever did anything else before. Other than leaning up against each other exhausted after spell casting; or the little touches on the arm or knee…then there’s the accidental cuddling when she stayed the night. For some reason, it felt different inviting Willow up now.
She slipped on what was once a loose sweater and looked at herself critically in the mirror.
I definitely need some new clothes! Tara had been consciously wearing looser clothing; subtly hiding the steady gaining weight, but it was getting harder to find anything in her closet to wear that didn’t accentuate her figure.
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After initial greetings the walk had, so far, been quiet.
“Tara, are you cold?” Willow peered sideways at Tara as they walked along. Tara had been walking with her arms folded over her chest.
“N-no.” It was a partial leftover from childhood; a defensive posture that manifested itself when she felt ill at ease. It was also because her breasts had really grown over the past month! Tara unfolded her arms and tried to relax as they reached the park.
It’s just Willow… and that’s the problem.
The silence made Willow nervous as she clasped her own hands together, stretching her arms out and swinging them as she walked on. Not so long ago she would’ve just reached over and taken Tara by the arm, but not now. “So… this is nice.”
“Mmm.” Tara nodded, smiling just a little. It was nice. The winter and early spring rains had stopped giving way to warmer mild temperatures. The early evening sky was light blue, marked with thin streaked clouds. The grass was bright green with new growth. Clutches of freshly blooming wildflowers dotted the landscape. The birds had returned from their winter retreat. It was nice… romantic in fact, if circumstances were different. Tara sighed and wandered forward, stooping down to finger a small nest of yellow flowers.
Willow watched Tara’s graceful form and smiled appreciatively. What was it about Tara? Now more than ever, in spite of the strain in their friendship, Willow felt somehow attached to her. Did she just miss her, or was it more? Whatever it was, Willow wanted to do something for her, so she bent down next to Tara to retrieve a flower for her.
“No… don’t.” Tara spoke softly, and put her hand on Willow’s to stop her, but she pulled away. She turned her head towards Willow. “It’s beautiful just as it is.”
“Beautiful… uh-huh.” Willow replied blankly, her mind was wandering. Tara’s hand on hers felt good, but it was all too fleeting. She watched Tara rise and stood up to follow.
There is something… something different about her?
Tara peeked over at Willow.
I’ll invite her over. So far everything’s going ok. I need to get her family history and all.
It seemed that whatever it was about Tara that Willow had noticed; she wasn’t the only one. They were walking towards a guy, who seemed eager to catch Tara’s attention with a big grin. His eyes fixated on Tara’s upper frontal region and Willow immediately stiffened.
Hey! She examined Tara again and her eyes widened a bit.
Ok, well yea, but HEY!
“Hel-lo.”
Tara was in her own head and barely registered the greeting. She looked at wherever the voice had come from and automatically replied. “Hi?” She smiled a little confusedly as they passed each other.
Weird.
“Do you know him?” Willow whispered, as they continued on.
“Hmm, no.” Tara shrugged.
Willow furrowed her brow and looked over her shoulder. As if to further her exasperation he had turned around to stare at Tara’s backside.
Hey! Mr. Blonde tall guy what are you staring at?! Ok well, I know what you were, and hey, are staring at. “Grrrr.” She scowled at him.
But that’s not just it, is it? There’s something ‘more’ about Tara. She peeked at Tara’s figure again too.
Tara tilted her head.
What is up with her? Did she just growl? “Willow? Um, do you maybe… w-want to c-come up?”
“Yea, that’d be great! Um, if you’re sure you don’t mind.” Willow beamed.
Ha! Stupid tall guy, blonde dude, staring at pregnant gay women. Gay, ah-ha! Phooey on you Mr. Man! Hey, it’s almost dinnertime and pregnant people should eat, even I know that. Her stomach grumbled to agree. “But maybe we should get something to eat? We could stop at the cafeteria?”
Tara nodded. She didn’t want to mention being hungry, even though she had already had a snack. It was enjoyable just walking, without the tension of the pregnancy issue and all it’s symptoms. “I am hungry.”
I’m always hungry.
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Dinner was easy, in the midst of the cafeteria, all conversation turned to school and classes. Willow, as of late, to combat all her anxieties and pass the time, literally consumed her homework, everything and anything. And now with Tara here with her, she felt the terrible need to regurgitate it all back up. It was an attempt to fill the awkward and empty space, with something other than silence.
On the way back to Tara’s, Willow blathered on about the impact of new information and communication technologies on socio-economic and educational development. But, in the back of her mind she kept thinking about Tara.
School, how’s Tara going to keep going to school? Or will she drop out? Maybe Tara has this all worked out?
Tara unlocked the door and walked in, turning on the fairy lights and the small colored lamp by her bed. It was soothing, the soft lights, instead of the harsh overhead that always felt like a spotlight.
Willow was happy to notice the futon was still folded down. It seemed silly, but it was the one right thing she had done so far. She sidled over to it, bent down slightly, and patted it with the very tips of her fingers.
Tara took a seat on the futon. “Do you want some tea or something?”
Willow shook her head and sat down on the edge of the bed. She still felt like an intruder in Tara’s space, not quite comfortable where she was. It was disconcerting because it used to be so easy being in Tara’s room, in her presence.
“Tara?” “Willow.” They both peered at each other curiously, having both called out each other’s name at the same time.
“Sorry, you go first.” Willow smiled.
Tara shook her head she became nervous.
Maybe this is it, she’s being so nice, and now she’s going to tell me she doesn’t want to be friends anymore. Or worse, maybe she’ll want to suggest ‘fixing’ this again. “You go.”
Willow wasn’t sure where to start.
Don’t just blurt something stupid out. She pondered her options briefly and launched into what she thought was the easiest question. “Ok, soooo… what are your plans? School?”
Tara sighed in relief.
Not what I was expecting. On one hand, it was saddening because they used to be so easily in sync. Now Tara didn’t seem to know what Willow was thinking. On the other hand, she was glad that Willow wasn’t thinking what she just had.
Willow waited; willing herself to remain composed and muted. Her foot was tapping out a fragmented rhythm at racehorse speed, while continuously balling up a piece of lint she had pulled off her sweater, between her thumb and index fingers.
“Well, I’m definitely finishing out the semester.” Tara paused. “I really won’t start showing until my second trimester, mid-April. Maybe not even until early May. Most of my pregnancy will be during the summer while we’re on break.” Tara examined Willow’s reactions carefully as she spoke, trying to gauge her reactions.
She seems to be handling it ok for the most part.
Showing? As in protruding belly? April, but that’s now. Now is April, mid-April, a week a way! Willow tried to remain calm, but her eyes were as big as saucers. She blinked slowly and nodded.
This is not going to be a secret for long. She wisely kept her mouth shut, trying to get a handle on everything.
Tara looked into Willow’s wide eyes.
Ok, she’s a little freaked again. Speechless. At least she’s not running away.
Willow’s mind took off.
And a doctor! Has Tara seen doctor? “What about a doctor, have you seen one?”
Tara assessed Willow again. “I went to the Women’s Health Clinic. I saw a Doctor Pfeiffer; she’s nice. I had a preliminary exam to determine if I really was pregnant. Which I am.” She stopped to make sure Willow really understood her. “So far everything checks out fine.”
“Really? Good, that’s great.” Willow smiled nervously.
Now I know, right? I wanted to know what Tara was going to do and now I know. She’s pregnant and keeping the baby, not just any baby. My baby. That’s right, I’m ‘daddy’. So now what? Now, I find out what Tara’s gonna do and I help. “Then what, are you coming back next year?”
She wants to know what my future plans are? Just curious, as always. Tara straightened up; she had plans. Ones that didn’t necessarily include Willow, for many reasons. She didn’t expect anything from the other woman, and she didn’t want to. Given how she felt, it might be too easy to pin false hopes on the well intentioned, but seemingly unprepared redhead. Willow wasn’t ready to be a parent. No, it was too risky and presumptuous to assume anything else. “I’ve made plans.”
“What plans?” Willow stared at Tara, wondering how she was going to manage. “I mean, how are you going to live, and what about school?”
Tara wanted to stay in school. She was afraid that if she quit or took time off she’d loose her momentum. If she stayed in school, ultimately it would be best for her and the baby. A degree, a better paying job of some kind, evidence to show her child that she was a success no matter what. “Next semester I’ll go part-time. It will take longer for me to graduate, but I will. I reserved a spot with the on-campus childcare for the Fall semester.”
“UCS has on-campus childcare?” Willow had a stunned expression on her face.
‘Longer to graduate’.
“Yes. Surprising that UC Sunnydale has a very liberal pregnancy policy… but not really, if you think about it. You know, constant dwindling population and all. They probably just want to keep as much of the student body around as possible, pregnant or not.” Tara shifted her weight a little.
“Right, right. Makes sense in a weird ‘only on a Hellmouth’ kind of way,” Willow nodded.
“I still qualify for financial aid… actually once the baby’s born I’ll qualify more easily. But, I’ll lose my scholarship because I won’t be a fulltime student anymore. There’s a part-time scholarship I can apply for.” Tara ran her hand over her stomach. “I think I’ll be able to take a month or maybe two off of school for the birth and initial care. I need to check with my advisor, but the university does allow for it.”
She’s going to lose her scholarship? Part-time? Of course, who else is going to take care of the baby? Willow frowned a bit.
‘Maybe’ two months that’s all? Shouldn’t she get more? That’s not enough time.
Tara wondered why Willow was frowning. It made her anxious, part of her was so ready for Willow to react badly again.
“Few months; totally unfair.” Willow muttered under her breath, then abruptly snapped out of it. “And, what about money, costs, expenses?….Tara?”
Tara couldn’t make out what Willow had initially mumbled. But she definitely heard the last part and she lowered her head. “The pregnancy is covered, I qualify for free insurance. And, since I am a low-income single parent, I qualify for financial assistance and WIC.” She didn’t like the idea of being dependant on welfare, but basically she would be once the baby was born.
“What kind of financial assistance? WIC?”
“W-welfare and ‘Women, Infant, Care’.” Tara spoke softly. She couldn’t help feeling self-conscious about needing financial assistance. There was nothing wrong with her situation, minus the magickal part. But like it or not, there seemed to be a stigma attached to being on welfare. What made it worse was that she hated that she felt that way about it. Lots of people needed and depended on it. It wasn’t a perfect system, but what was?
Low-income, single mother… as in by herself. Well, it’s not like I’ve been all supportive or anything. You need to help her. “Oh. Well, I can help… um, financially.”
Does she just want to give me money, like that will make everything better? Part of Tara was too proud to take it, but really it would be in the best interests of the baby. Still, she resisted, and her mouth drew into a taunt line. “How are you going to manage that?”
“I can manage, but more importantly I can help you manage.” The simple truth was money had never been an issue for Willow. She never really had to think about it. What her parents lacked for in time and presence they made up for monetarily. Parental guilt money. Suddenly she grimaced, noting the look on Tara’s face. It was a terrible realization to know that she had just offered the same thing. She didn’t like that one bit. “I’m sorry Tara, I don’t know half of what I’m trying to say.” Willow paused. “But… I’d like to do more than just that, more than just the money thing.”
Tara looked at her slightly perplexed.
Willow took a deep breath. “I want to be a part of your life… and the baby’s.” Her eyes widened a bit.
Hey, I said 'baby' out loud! She had said it before, but it had more meaning saying it in front of Tara. “Um, if you want?”
It didn’t seem wise or prudent, given how Tara felt. She tried to think of a safe and neutral response. Something that would protect her and the baby, something to give Willow some kind of way out, something that would give them both an answer for their predicament. She didn’t have one, so she remained quiet.
Willow didn’t like Tara’s silence. She wrinkled her brow. “Tara, I really want to help.”
“Why?” Tara spoke softly as she examined Willow curiously.
“Why? You know why!”
“But is that the only reason you want to help? Because you feel like you’re to blame and this is what you should do?” Tara knew Willow’s good intentions were to try and fulfill her obligations. But she didn’t like it; it made her feel like a simple charity case. And, was it fair to just saddle Willow with a responsibility she didn’t necessarily want? Tara knew that could turn into resentment towards her and the baby.
Willow shifted uncomfortably in her seat. It was true, at least partially. She was definitely to blame and it was the right thing to do. “Yeah, but… but, you’re… I care about what happens to you… and the baby.”
‘Baby’ I said it again, easier this time.
Tara closed her eyes momentarily and she wrapped her arms around her stomach. An odd sensation left her speechless and light-headed, a whooshing feeling in her abdomen. Not really a kick, but kind of a light fluttering. It didn’t hurt, but it was surprising and she was still adjusting to her changing body.
Oh my goddess! Isn’t this too soon, this feeling? But, every pregnancy is different?
Willow noticed. She reacted instantly, despite the tension between them. She moved quickly to Tara’s side and put an arm around her shoulders.
Something’s happening! “Tara? Are you ok? Do you need something? Is there anything I can do for you? Maybe you should lie down? Or, maybe you should stand up?”
I have no idea what to do? I don’t know anything about being pregnant? How can I help if I don’t know anything?
“I’m ok.” Tara rested her head against Willow’s shoulder. The little movement in her stomach was hard to describe, maybe it was just nerves. It was exciting and a bit frightening. Was it coincidental that it was happening now with Willow here?
“Is that normal? Should you go to the doctor? I can call one or take you or….” Willow became agitated and nervous.
I need to know what to do….
“No, Willow, calm down. It’s normal.”
Right? Tara sat up and pulled away. She still needed to ask Willow a question. “Willow, um, if you can, I need the health history of your family. It’s for the baby.”
‘Our baby’, but I can’t even say that.
“Oh well, nothing major. No illnesses or diseases, that I know of. Maybe a touch of spazola, but that’s all me.” Willow smiled wearily.
Tara stood up and approached her desk. She opened the folder and pulled out the form Lee had given her. “Here. If you could fill this out, um, I don’t need you to fill out your n-name or a-anything….” Tara wanted to make this as easy as possible for Willow.
Willow took the sheet of paper and nodded.
She doesn’t want my name on here. Why would she? It’s not like we’re… I mean, I am technically the ‘father’, but that would be hard to explain. “Alright.”
“I’ll need it for my prenatal visit, in a week. So there’s no rush.”
She’s going back to the doctor alone. She’s going to try and do this all this alone? Not anymore… I’ve gotta support her somehow. Willow looked up at Tara and set her jaw tight. Then she stood up straight and spoke firmly. “I’m going with you.”
“E-excuse me?” Tara looked at her dubiously.
“Tara, I’m going to go with you.” Willow stated a bit too sternly.
This was more than Tara had expected.
Careful Tara. It made her happy and apprehensive at the same time.
Willow softened her voice. “Or… I’d like to accompany you, if you’d let me?”
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Hey starcomed, you renegade cowboy... can't wait for what's next huh?
by DarkWiccan » Wed Mar 01, 2006 1:47 pm 
I loooooove this story!
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I'm glad Willow's finally getting a clue and that the two of them are actually communicating. I have a feeling that when the 
finally happens it's going to be fabulous.
still luv me? 
