Tara
Tara was surprised when Dr. Holt came to get her out of class again the next morning. When she had woken up that morning, one of the positive things she had commented to herself was that at least it was an off therapy day. It took so much energy to keep all of her secrets in check, that having to be in the presences of someone who was actively trying to get her to disclose them was very stressful. Well, at least she didn’t get me out of English this time, but she is interfering with my math with Willow. I feel like it is one of the only times I don’t feel awkward with the girl.
The two were walking down the hallway, and Dr. Holt said, “I know you don’t want to miss school, Tara, but I am going to be out of the office for the next few days and felt that it was important to touch base with you before I left. I know that you are going to be put on the hot seat soon to explain why you are here, and I wanted to see if I could help you formulate your answer, also your first community meeting is coming up the day I come back, so I wanted to get a better feel for your father before I meet him”
“Whatever,” replied Tara with a much more flippant adolescent attitude than she usually presented to adults. shit, my father is going to be here.
“I sense that you are not so happy that I came to get you. Why not, other than the reasons I just stated.”
“Do you honestly want to know?”
“Yes, I would.”
The two entered the therapy room and they both sat down in their familiar spots.
“Well, one I look forward to math and working with Willow. It is one of the only times I don’t feel really intimidated by her brilliance. Two, in my head I wasn’t planning on having therapy, and sometimes I don’t deal too well with my internal schedule being disrupted. Three, I am NOT looking forward to talking about myself in front of the group. I don’t like talking about it one on one, why would I want to tell a bunch of strangers about my problems and four, I didn’t know my father was going to be coming to my meetings.”
“Wow, I think that that was the most you have ever said so far.”
“Well, don’t get accustomed to it.”
“You are sounding really angry.”
“I guess” shut the fuck up Maclay. Not supposed to talk to her remember.
“So let’s take these problems one at a time… Math. Why do you feel like Willow is more brilliant than you? You are both really bright.”
“Come on Doc, you and I both know that Willow is a freaking genius. The teachers keep making snide comments about it.”
“According to your teachers, you are no slouch either. I think that it is just known that Willow is a genius because she has been tested. You've never been tested, so we don't know your IQ. Would it help if I referred you for testing?" Dr, Holt paused, "You guys room together, does she intimidate you in your room too.”
“N…n…no, we get along fine. She is really nice, Don't tell her that you really like her, it will end up making them move her. "'I…I…never mind.”
“What were you going to say?”
“I wouldn’t have said never mind if I wanted to tell you,” snipped Tara.
“Ok, let’s just move on. Tell me about why you don’t like to have your internal schedule changed.”
“I don’t know. I just don’t. “
“What has happened when you didn’t know what was scheduled?”
Tara realized she was feeling really irritable and decided that the best way to get the stupid session over with was to just get the lady to focus on planning for the meetings.
“Listen, Doc. You said that you’re real reason for getting me was to plan for the two meetings. How ‘bout we start with planning for my dad. First, I didn’t think that he was going to be coming to these meetings. When they took custody of me, he said clearly that I was their problem now.”
“Your dad sees you as a problem? What do you do to cause problems for your dad?”
“Live.”
“What?”
“Never mind, pass.”
“Tara, we’ve got to talk about this stuff eventually, unless you want to stay here forever.”
“It’s not that bad here.”
“So what was so bad about being at home?”
“Nothing”
“So why would you want to stay here?”
“I don’t.”
“I thought you just said you did.”
“No I didn’t, if you listened, you would have heard me say that it isn’t that bad.”
“You don’t feel like I am listening to you?”
“No… I know you are listening to me, and you are just trying to do your job. But you just don't understand...has anyone told you what to expect from my dad?”
“No, I don’t think anyone has met him. Tell me about him.”
“Well, he’s about 6’4” I guess weighs about 250. He’s got grey eyes and hair. He is a manual laborer but is also the pastor of our church. He is what people call a “God fearing man.”
“You say that like it is something bad.”
“No…it is just that he takes some parts of the Bible really seriously, but others he seems to gloss right over, I think that he’s sometimes a hypocrite.”
“About what in particular?”
“Nothing, it is not important.”
“Going to shut down again ,Tara?”
Tara looked at the therapist and realized that this woman was able to read her too well.
“You know I can’t protect you from him if you don’t tell me what he did.”
“I don't need any protection....He didn’t do anything.”
“I have a real hard time believing that. Kids don’t just decide to start cutting themselves for no good reason.”
“Well, I did. None of it is his fault. I am just a good for nothing.”
“Where did you get that message?”
“I don’t know. It’s always been that way. I’m a girl. Girls are descendents of Eve, they are evil. “
“Evil?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Do you believe that?”
“No. My Mama was the opposite of Evil, she was so good, and nice and caring.” Tara felt that she was starting to tear up.
“It’s hard to talk about your mom?”
“Yes… no…I don’t know.”
“Well, we need to talk about your Mom and her death too in therapy, you know. So what do you think that you dad is going to say at the meeting?”
“He won’t say much, but his non verbal messages will speak strongly. I hope there are some men in the room, ‘cause he has absolutely no respect for women. He might quote some Bible verses, and he will most likely try to convince you that I don’t belong here, that you should just send me home with him.”
“We couldn’t do that, he doesn’t have custody of you.”
“Thank the Goddess.”
“Goddess?”
Shit, shit, shit, shit “I mean God.”
“You said Goddess.”
“Ok, one of the things that caused my parents problems was that Mama was sort of a Pagan and she was teaching me some of her beliefs. She thought daddy didn't know, but after she died I discovered that he was very aware.”
“A pagan and a preacher?”
“Not the best thing. Daddy wasn’t always so into religion. He got hooked into it when Mama first got sick. It was supposed to help him deal. It didn’t work if you ask me.”
“We need to talk about this a lot more when I get back. But we need to end for today. One thing I can promise is that I won’t let him take you out right now. Ok?”
“Ok.”
Dr. Holt walked Tara back to the school wing. When Tara got back to her desk she saw that Willow wasn’t there. A few minutes later, she returned looking rather downcast.
Tara tried to make eye contact with her roommate, but was unsucessful. She figured that she could find out what was wrong with her roommate at lunch. She was surprised to see a staff member take Willow out of class just before lunch, but pleased to find when she got to their table, that Willow was already there. The girl was looking at her plate which had half a sandwich, an apple, and a cookie on it. There was also a carton of milk. Sitting next to her was a staff member who was clearly observing Willow’s every movement. Tara knew that this woman was one of Willow's least favorite staff members, so she felt sorry for the girl.
‘What’s up?” asked Tara trying to just ignore the staff member.
“Miss Rosenberg can’t talk to you until after she has eaten her lunch.”
Tara tried to catch Willow’s eyes, but she quickly sensed the humiliation and anger emanating from the girl, and chose to just focus on her own meal.
That night when they were getting ready for bed, Tara decided to broach the subject becauset it felt like a lead weight between the two.
“So what is with the food police?”
“I lost weight, “replied Willow. “Just a few pounds, it really wasn’t that bad…”
“So for how long do you have to have them staring at you?”
“’till I gain some weight, you guys don’t need to sit with me anymore, I am sure it is a drag to have to have a staff at the table.”
“Well, I can’t speak for Buffy, but I’m not going to let you be tortured alone.”
Tara smiled at Willow, and it seemed that Willow couldn’t help but smile back. she has the most beautiful eyes. Stop staring, she’ll get bugged out. They both blushed.
“Tara…”
“Yes, Willow. “
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Other than that one?”
“Yes silly.” Willow moved closer to Tara who was sitting on the floor with her back against her bed.
Oh, my Goddess, she is sitting just a few inches from me. How come?, “What?”
“After you returned from therapy today, you looked…um…different, like sorta upset, did anything happen?, not that it is any of my business. I just thought that maybe…um…you might…I don’t know…wanna talk.”
Tara looked at the girl who was obviously feeling really awkward in her attempt to reach out to her. It almost seems like she cares, but that can’t be, why would she care about you?
“Um…it was just an unexpected appointment. I usually don’t have therapy on Wednesdays. So I felt sort of frustrated, and then she was pushing me to talk about stuff and I didn’t want to, and on top of that she told me my dad was coming to my community meeting. “
“Why is that a bad thing?”
“My Dad is really pissed that DSS took custody of me, is embarrassed that my “little” problem was found out; and is frustrated that he and my brother have to fend for themselves. One of those makes for a bad thing with my Dad, three things together and it could get ugly.”
“What are you afraid will happen?”
“Nothing.”
“You sure?”
“Ok, Well first, I am afraid that he will embarrass me in front of the staff. But mostly afraid that my Dad will somehow convince everyone to just discharge me, and I’ll be back in the same situation I left. I actually kinda want to work on my problems. I won’t if I’m at home, plus the longer I am here, the more I can learn. My dad is going to insist that I drop out of school as soon as I turn 16. He thinks education is wasted on girls.”
“That sucks, and you are good at school. What are the chances that him convincing them to discharge you will happen?”
“I don’t think too good. Dr. Holt says that it won't but she doesn't know my dad and his powers of persuasion. It just scares me.”
“Well, I hope it doesn’t happen. I don’t want another roommate. " she paused, " I’m sorry, that didn’t come out right, I really like being roommates with you, and I like you.”
SHE LIKES ME Tara looked down and hid behind her hair, calm down Maclay, she doesn’t ‘like’ like you, she just likes you as a roommate I like you too.
“Cool.”
Tara looked up and saw that Willow was still looking at her. She smiled shyly.
Just then, staff came and knocked on the door and told them that it was lights out time. They both stood up and got into their beds.
A few minutes later, Willow quietly said, “Can I ask you another question?”
“Sure.”
“I might have asked you this before, so if I did already, sorry.”
“ok.”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
“Um, no I am here?”
“No, I mean outside of here?”
"No, why do you ask?"
"Have you ever had one?"
"Um...no... my d..d..dad didn't believe in girls and boys spending time together. He a..a..aways said that it caused impure thoughts." Not that it kept those thoughts away..."You?"
“No way.”
that was pretty emphatic W..w..why do you ask?”
“Just wondering.”
“Ok.” why does she want to know that. She can’t be…No way. Go to sleep Maclay.
The next day after group was Tara’s day of reckoning, in the early morning meeting, Tara was told that she was expected to share some of her reasons for being at the Maple at the afternoon group. It was hard for her to keep her focus on her studies, but once she and Willow began to work on their math, she was able to get into the problems and almost forgot about the upcoming meeting. At the end of math, she felt a small piece of paper pressed into her hand. She put it in her pocket. She waited until she went to the restroom to open it.
Good luck today, I’m rooting and supporting you.
Willow
Tara smiled, and felt that she could survive this experience.
!
* evil lil bastard' you'll never get your dirty hands on Tara even over my grave! *gets protectivy*
