The Relationship Issues Thread

[Gatito Grande]

Wow, Yvonne: that's a powerful story. I don't know what to tell you, other than to give you kudos for your remarkable self-awareness (particularly striking, for someone who doesn't communicate---or even feel?---emotion very strongly).



You really are at a crossroads. You sort of sound like someone who's almost waiting for permission to take a chance (particularly when you have some---JMO---rather arbitrary personal rules like "I don't think I could get involved with someone whose first 'real' relationship lasted eight years"). At the same time, "severely unstable and suicidal in the past" is a Real Danger Zone, no doubt about it (how much in the past?).



Still and all, what you say next, "I'm not staying with her out of pity, but because I want to," sounds like a bottomline: if you want to be w/ her, then why worry so much about how to express it, or what her expectations are (or aren't)? Those things will all work themselves out in time . . . *IF* you want to be w/ her, and she w/ you. That "IF" is what you need to ponder, come to grips w/ (one way or another) and---particularly in light of that "leaving after graduation" thang (how soon is that?)---upon which you need to make a decision.



GG Only you can answer the questions arising from that "IF". Good luck! Out

[onyxsundrops]

Thanks GG, and you may be right about several things you've said. Especially- "You sort of sound like someone who's almost waiting for permission to take a chance." If it's not that, than I'm waiting for a reason not to.



As far as the Danger Zone, it wasn't that far in the past. She's better now and says that I've helped her with that, which is great, but at the same time makes me wonder what she'll do if it doesn't work out. I'm more than aware that I shouldn't plan/live my life around someone elses instability, but it's something I can't help but think about.



"If you want to be w/ her, then why worry so much about how to express it, or what her expectations are (or aren't)?" Very true, and I do want to be with her. However, I'm the sort of person who thinks a lot about the outcome/future before getting into things (majority of the time). I know I should just let it play out as it should (will) but the worry is always playing on my brain.



Yvonne

[Repost Moderator]

Originally posted by ApplesauceHorsies

---

Hiya, Kittens...



I apologize in advance if this isn't the right place to post this...mods, please redirect me if this is the case. I'm feeling really confused right now, and I just felt like this was the most reasonable place to ask for advice. I'd really appreciate your thoughts on this, ladies.



My girlfriend and I have known each other for over a year and became a couple around four months ago. She really is the best thing that's ever happened to me and I can't imagine my life without her.



My only problem with our relationship is this:

I feel that she's scared of intimacy. I know the reasons behind certain parts of it, all perfectly justifiable. Still, all we've done since the first kiss is kiss each other once before one of us leaves the other's place. With the exception of one (underneath mistletoe in a restaurant !), they're always in private when we're at the door. They're good, don't get me wrong, but I find myself wanting more. We've done the backrub thing many times (which is amazing in itself), but nothing other than that. We didn't have our first kiss until about a month-and-a-half after we started seeing each other (at 20, that was my first, and incredibly INCREDIBLY meaningful), but now I'm feeling like we've hit an impasse.



Also, I think that I should mention that this is both of ours' first lesbian relationships. I've *known* I was a lesbian for years, but have never had a relationship until now. My girlfriend has had relationships with men and never felt 'right'--she just came out to herself fairly recently. She told me (when we were just friends) that I was her inspiration for her to be who she knew she was.



I *know* that she loves me, but I can't seem to shake this feeling of "what if?". I know that she isn't very emotional to begin with; I'm the 'romantic' one in the relationship, so to speak, so I try and keep that in mind, but is there any way that I can help her to open up around me and help her see that intimacy isn't that scary?



Sorry for the length, but I'd *really* appreciate your thoughts on this.



-Monica

J'ai découvert en elle...mes racines et mes ailes.

Dans son rire et ses yeux, l'essentiel....

[maudmac]

Hey there, Monica.



So...you know where at least some of her intimacy issues are coming from. I assume you've talked about it, then? Does she think there's a problem, that there's something she needs to address and try to resolve? Or does she think everything's fine the way it is?



Seems to me that if she agrees that this is something that needs to be worked on, you're a long way toward resolving it. But if she doesn't agree that it's a problem, well, that's a problem, right?



As for helping her open up and trust that she's safe being intimate with you, that might be something that's going to be a long process, a journey you'll both make in baby steps. And it might be very frustrating for you, and difficult to not take it personally. On the one hand, you want to maybe nudge her down that path, and you trust yourself that you are safe for her. But you can't push her too hard, because that could confirm her feeling that nowhere is safe. I guess it depends on how serious her intimacy issues are, on how much she resists intimacy and why exactly.



It's tricky. It's good that you recognize that things cannot continue as they are now (or, at least, you don't want them to), so something has to happen. Have you told her how you feel? If so, what did she say? If not, what do you think would happen if you did?



How much of it do you think is just the newness of being with a woman, or the newness of being in a relationship that does feel "right"? Maybe she just doesn't quite know what to do, you know? And she is perhaps a little bit reluctant to take the risks necessary to find out how it all works. She's vulnerable and that's scary. You're good to be so patient with her, but you can only be so patient for so long, right?



Heh, I don't know if any of this would help you one bit. I do hope that things will work out for the best for you both, however that will be.

---

make some room now dig what you see

[Rhiannon9891]

Hey applesaucehorsies(where'd that name come from?) anyway I'm with maudmac,,,,don't push, but if you feel it's taking too long, tell her so...you can only be in a relationship that you both feel comfortable with, she may not be willing to admit to herself what she feels and wants at the present moment, but you will inevitably be a source of her coming to terms with what she wants one way or another...and thats a good thing...as long as you don't get hurt in the process..



Rhiannon



P.S. I've been there with my GF/Wife of 13 years...

[CyberVixen]

Hey guys. I'm a little confused. See, I'm still in high school, and I've never even been on a date before. I'm not even sure I even know what a real crush feels like. I've been into school mainly from the beginning, and this is the first time I've had more than one friend that I hang out with everyday. Problem is, I think I may have a crush on this girl I hang out with. We met a few years ago when I was an eighth grade and she was in seventh. We were in an extracurricular group for science. Well, not to bore with the details, but the group ended shortly after and I didn't see her again until this year when I took part in another program. She ended up being there.



Long story short, we started hanging out during and after school. We share some explicit inside jokes and I never get tired of talking to her. Sometimes she'll grab my hand to haul me off somewhere (Library for fan fiction. Minds out of the gutter people! lol) and I'll get this tingling sensation up my shoulder blades. It's probably nothing, but I can't shake the feeling that I might have a crush on her. Plus, it doesn't help that she's most likely straight.



Also, since I still haven't had any dating experience, I'm not sure if I am gay or bi or any of it. I do know, however, that if I was sure that I was, that I'd tell her first. We've talked about the gay marriage thing and how we both think it should be allowed. She's just really open with me. I've spent the night at her house twice, and each time, I just get more comfortable around her.



I don't know. Do you guys see my problem? Any advice would be helpful cause I'm lost.

Later...

[Lil Miss Kitten]

CyberVixen you are not alone!

Alls I can say is BEEN THERE DONE THAT!



About 3 years ago my story was exactly the same. I had funny little crushes on guys, but mainly I was into that unobtainable movie-star-looks mr popularity...the type that would NEVER date me anyway! All the guys that asked me out or showed any interest were swiftly rejected...I thought they were all losers. Then half a year outta high school I meet a girl at my soccer club. We become friends, we chat, we hung out. Everything clicked. "Best buddies forever" type thing. One day I start to think "Hey, this girl is so awesome, I could almost date her.........if she was a guy of course" Because at this stage as far as i know Im a young hotblooded heterosexual kinda gal......sure....one that doesnt actually date anyone and only attracts losers...but as far as Im aware, STRAIGHT!



I start thinking more and more about whether this is just an idol-worship type thing (ya know-sorta like wanting to know everything about your favourite movie star and putting their poster on the wall) or whether I could possibly have some small inkling of a crush on her. The more I thought about it, the more I confused myself. And just like you mentioned, whenever we made contact (we played soccer together so there was a fair bit of that ) I would get tingles or shivers. So, just like you, I absolutely wracked my brain for weeks over it. I didnt know whether I just thought she was really awesome and the perfect friend, or really awesome and my potential soulmate...but everytime we touched (whether by accident or on purpose) I knew that these crazy tingly kooky happy feelings were fueled by more than just friendship.



So what did I do???



I would love to be able to say that I had the hugest giant balls to come right out and say to her "Hey, I think I could have a crush on you but Im not sure..what do you think about me?" but I wasn't quite in that kamikaze frame of mind. So I thought of a way to SORT-OF-KINDA let her know that I SORTA-KINDA-COULD-POSSIBLY-MAYBE have some interest in her in a more than friendly way. I didnt pre-meditate it or anything, it just popped into my mind and I said it.



We were on the phone talking about something random. And she said "I really love such-and-such" (I cant even remember what it was). I replied with the usual "HEY! ME TOO!....." but added "You know, if you were a guy, Id totally be into you!" And we both laughed like crazy. It was a joke. But it musta sparked something in her mind because from then on things changed quite quickly. She texted me later...something along the lines of "I was thinking about that a while ago too.....and its a darn shame your not a guy! Or just a pity that we're not lesbians!" I replied with the usual "Lol ". We were joking around. It was all just a laugh...we started taking it further and further over the next few days though. The text messages got a little dodgier.....a little bit dirty even "So...if I WAS a guy, what would you do with me?"



But then whenever we would see eachother in person and hang out, we would both get embarrased and totally beat around the bush or pretend none of the things we had texted had ever existed! Eventually...maybe over a month or so...we cut out the crap. We were sitting in her car and she said "Its really pissing me off that we dont talk about the things we chat about on the phone or text to eachother in person. Im pretty sure we both know exactly how we feel. So what are we gonna do about it?"



To cut an even longer story short...so it's only medium-long...we ended up together. It was a long, laboured process. Neither of us was particularly well versed in the language of dating (we'd dated but never been out more than once with any one particualar loser/guy,and never progressed beyond second base) so it was awkward and weird at first to be going through all these monumental "firsts" WITH A GIRL . But 3 years(and one month tomorrow) later...we are still together...in the whole "couple" sense.



I guess you didnt really need to hear the whole story...but I felt like you should know that someone else out there knows EXACTLY how you feel, and EXACTLY what you're going through. And I don't know whether you want or appreciate my advice...but here it is anyway....



If you have even the slightest teeniest tiniest inkling of an idea that you might have a crush on this girl...whatever you do...DO NOT just ignore it or write it off.



Find a way to tell her. Maybe not balls-out and up-front of course! Hey...go ahead and steal my line if you want!Do not wait for her to show interest in you first...it might never happen! That doesnt mean that she doesnt have any interest in you....it could be that she feels the same as you but doesnt know what to do about it, or doesnt know how to tell you. Then again she might not like you that way at all...maybe she just thinks of you as a good friend. At least let her know or have at least some teeny tiny clue that you could possibly have a romantic interest in her. That way she can entertain that thought in her mind..."Does she? Or doesnt she?" And she might even think "Do I?"



If you've got the courage, by all means bring up the topic. If not, you might never know what might've been. How cliche does that sound???? But seriously. According to my gf...if I had never had the guts to play around and send those dodgy messages back and forth, she wouldn't have stepped up to say "hey I like you wanna get together?"....and neither would I....so we'd both still be 2 gorgeous, funny, unique chicks, sitting at home watching Survivor........ALL ALONE!



But heres the whole "disclosure" part: If she doesn't like you as more than a friend...or you realise that you really don't have a crush on her and you were just over-reacting....or she freaks out and you lose your friendship with her (which, I think would be a worst-case-yet-slim-chance-to-none-scenario)....please be informed that I only gave my advice based on my own personal experience. Which means things may not turn the fairytale way they did for me....so dont blame me if they dont! But by all means, give me big props if they do!



Good luck. Dont stress. Dont force things to happen between you. But then again...dont just sit around and ponder all day. Let us know how things turn out.





Actually, I did forget to mention one thing! If you're not sure if you're gay or bi or whatever....it might be an idea to try to keep all the questionable banter between you and your friend. I would strongly advise against telling any other friends, or people that you know. In the process of coming grips with my feelings for my gf I told a couple of "friends". These girls were supposed to be life-long buddies...the type that you spend every spare moment with and who practically become sisters. Lets just say that they werent real friends in the end, and we no longer talk. If you need someone to talk to, use the KittenBoard. If you start questioning your feelings with other friends, no matter how trustworthy they are, pretty soon the whole school will be talking about it. Its that whole "Ive gotta dirty secret, if i tell you, you cant tell anyone, but of course your just going to go and tell ONE person arent you, and then they tell one person, then they tell one person, etc etc, hey whadya know, its on the school bulletin board!"



Ive been there done that as well! So for now...just keep it on the down low and find away to get to her IN PRIVATE



Sorry...paranoia made me add this.

Edited by: Warduke at: 1/10/05 8:37 am

[CyberVixen]

Lol. Sometimes paranoia can be very helpful.

Anyway, the funny story is the that other person I would tell is a guy that I have known since kindergarten that lives across the street. He's my best friend and I have had hour long discussions with him on almost every topic imaginable. (funny part) He already called me on the being bi thing. We were on the bus and he joked that I had more than friendly feelings for my friend. Problem is that he used his sarcastic voice, so I'm not sure what to think. He may have been serious or just jerking my chain. Gargh!!! Why is this stuff so complicated?!!



Anyway, thanks for the advice. I think I'll slip in subtle little hints like you said. Thanks a lot.