How should I tell my parents I'm gay?

[Ellen Tracy]

Hey, can anybody help me with this?



I wanna tell my parents but I'm worried they'll hate me because my dad he's so anti everyone except for himself. He's sexist and I don't even know what he thinks of gay people but he's always being rude about famous gays (Graham Norton is one) and he's always shouting Puff when he watches TV. And I have absolutely no idea wot my mom will say.



Has anybody else here told there mum and dad? How did you do it and what was their response (if ya don't mind me asking)



Hey people come on please help me here. I really need some advice pretty bad cause I'm worried in case they find out without me telling them you know?



So can any of ya kittens out there please help me with this?



Well I'm 17 and the people who I've told are my brother, and my best mate, my mate, possibly my brother's girlfriend and my connexions advisor Lynne.



Omg, I told my mum!! And she was totally cool about it! Well almost. She thought i was too young to know this is what I want but I just know it's the right thing. Anyways she says it's cool but we haven't told my dad yet because he's been ranting on about gay people as usual. But cool now my mum knows. And her mate Debbie. And Paula. Wow, I guess that is a lot of people if you think about it. ^_^ Oh, yeah and two girls from my class at college

Edited by: Ellen Tracy at: 4/22/05 4:08 pm

[charmedwitchtara]

I was gonna start a topic like this to cause I to havent told my mum yet either. she really doesnt approve of gay people or bisexuals. so im rather stuck, just wonderin how old are you and also have you come out to anyone else.

[munchkin flavoured jellyb]

hey,



I told my parents...my father was all cool about it even supportive...my mother flipped out and didn't talk to me for a week...now she just pretends it was a dream or something. I cant tell you to tell your parents. No one can. You have to figure out on your own when to tell them. If you're not ready, or if you don't think they're ready, then don't tell them. Make sure they're having a good day, and make sure you have a back up plan in case they don't take it well. Im sure that when you tell them that it'll go just fine though. I went in expecting the worst from my mother, and i came out with the better. I don't know if that works for everyone, but you could try it like that. Make sure that YOU are ready to tell them, and not what others say when to tell them. I don't know if this is helping, but i hope it all goes well. Good luck.



-Heather



P.S. one last question and comment. Does anyone else know about you? And when you tell them...no matter what happens don't run away from it. If it goes good then YAY! if it goes bad, work it out. Though im sure it'll go well. Again I say, Good luck luvs.

[Briefy]

hey, just thought I'd add in mine

I'm 23 and I told my mum about a month ago. it was weird, cos I always said I'd tell my mum when I had a girlfriend....so I got a girlfriend, told my mum, and then my girlfriend dumped me 2 days later (that's a long story actually). My friends have known for about a year....no wait, about 3 years now, anyway my mum took it ok, she was like "um, I don't know what to say or what to ask, i've never done this before" and I said "that's ok neither have I", although I reckon she thinks it's a phase cos when I told her that me and my girl broke up she started on about the single local football players....I've kind of left it at that and we haven't discussed it since. But i thought she'd freak and she didn't.



good luck guys!!

Ali

Edited by: Warduke at: 4/18/05 7:36 pm

[Soluna89]

I have no clue how to tell my folks I'm bi. Funnily enough, all my friends know, through one way or another, and not a single one minds. They're all cool with it.



As for how my parents feel on the subject itself, it's hard to tell. I'm afraid to ask them, because they might find out before I'm ready to tell them, but they NEVER voice their opinions on it.



They're in the US for a couple of weeks, and I'm hoping I'll have worked up the courage to tell them by then. A friend said it was good I realized this early in my life, which didn't help much. (I'm 15) Any suggestions?

"I don't date vampires I kill them. Most of the time. Okay, some of the time. ...Oh, f**k." -Anita Blake

[charmedwitchtara]

Well you're one up on me cause at least all your friends know, I'm out to about 5 people and none of them minded ( although i dont see two of them a lot). One of my friends i told even came out to me. Um I think my other friends are getting suspicious cause i keep having to make up stuff to cover it. Um but when i told two of my friends who i see everyday they it made me feel way better. I think i'll wait till i'm older to tell my mum cause that way she cant kick me out of the house which is something she would so do.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I don't know how you parents will be, becasue everyone's different, but mine were just fine. I couldn't bring myself to actually tell my mom outloud (i'd come out to my friends via-e-mail and hadn't then said it to anyone but myself), and so showed dher a poem i'd written a couple months before stating i was gay. then i let it all sink in for awhile before actually talking to her about it, but she's been very supportive of me, and is trying very hard to understand, tho i'm not always sure that she gets it.

my dad i had assumed for awhile knew (i asked my mom not to tell him cause i wanted to do itwhen i was ready, but didn't exactly hide it from my dad), but then right before valentine's day asked me if i had a 'special boy', and i told him that i never would, but might have a special girl someday. he got a funny look on his fface, said he hadn't known that, and fell silent. A few minutes later he got up and left, hardly saying a word to me the rest of the night. since then he hasn't actually talked to me about it, but has acknowledged my sexuality indirectly.

anyway, my point is that it can be very difficult, but i think it's really worth it--but, then, it turned out fine for me, so who am i to say?

if i were u, i basically just wait till the point where i felt comfortable enough to where i'd be okay with them reacting badly. if u think that your parents won't be okay with it, you may first want to practice telling others you lknow that you think may not like it, to see if you think that u could handle ur parents' rejection.

anyway, i hope i was helpful, and i guess if not, i got a chance to vent some of my own stuff!

good luck coming out

grosses bisses

~jas

[Darcy]

I'll second the suggestion that you have a backup plan. Line up some supportive friends you can turn to if things go badly - or can celebrate with if they go well!



You should find a lot of good resources at http://www.pflag.org (Parents, Families, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays), although it may be a little U.S.-centric.



Remember that you probably know a LOT more about sexual orientation than your parents do. What they've been exposed to probably didn't stick, since they didn't realize it had any relevance to them at the time. If you can, pick up some pamphlets or books to have ready if/when they have questions. Some titles: Now That You Know (Fairchild & Hayward); "Mom, Dad - I'm Gay": How Families Negotiate Coming Out (Savin-Williams); Always My Child: A Parent's Guide to Understanding Your Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgendered, or Questioning Son or Daughter (Jennnings).



I decided to come out to my mother first, because my father had always been very conservative. I didn't want to wait until I had a girlfriend, for fear that any negative reaction would be focused on her. My mother was upset, but mostly because the only gay people she knew were two guys who worked at a florist with her and spent all their time complaining about how miserable they were. (This was around 1980.) Over time she got to know my friends and became more at ease about my prospects. My wife of 20+ years and I will be attending her wedding in a couple of weeks.



And my conservative father? He and my stepmother, a born-again Baptist from Oklahoma, became active in PFLAG, briefly heading their own chapter. Her oldest son is a gay man in San Francisco; they took to joking about having "six kids, two of each." In the 20+ years since they "came out" to me, they have been nothing but supportive. When my father died this past January, the memorial service was conducted by a lesbian minister at the Metropolitan Community Church.



So even if things don't go well at first, don't give up on them. They may surprise you down the road!

*****************
I don't care if it is an orgy of death, there's still such a thing as a napkin! - Willow in "Superstar"

[Soluna89]

I think the poem idea might be the best approach for me, since my parents know I love poetry, and I express myself better that way.



And luckily my friends already said I could come to them at any time if things go badly... now I just need my parents to come back. That would be the only glitch in my plan.



Anyway, let's hope afterwards my I'll be like this: and not like this:

"I don't date vampires I kill them. Most of the time. Okay, some of the time. ...Oh, f**k." -Anita Blake

[bjgdal]

Hi all. I'm new here on this board though I've been reading a lot of the fan fic for awhile. I just wanted to add my 2 cents here because I am a 50 year old lesbian who has been in a 23 year relationship. I had a 7 year relationship prior to that with my first lover. I came out to my parents in my mid 20's because my first lover went home to visit her family in Pakistan and I was sure she would never come back. I needed the emotional support of my family which had always been very close.



My family is quite conservative. My folks didn't really understand why I was so upset about her being away but eventually I told them. Via telephone. My Mom's first response was "what did we do wrong"? Now she just accepts that I have a psychological problem and we don't discuss it much. (No, I don't thinks it's a psychological problem, that's just how SHE deals with it) And we are still pretty close, she would never disown me, I know that now. She even tells me to give her love to my partner when we talk on the phone. So it's ok. My dad was much more supportive. He didn't really understand but I'm his daughter and that's all that mattered. I was always closer to my Dad. He is now deceased. My sister (10 years older than me) is also ok with it now but she has difficulty actively acknowledging it. She and my partner get along quite well though.



I tell you all this because I think it's important for young gays to have hope. Hope that there is a happy future for you and NOT necessarily the awful social prejudice that your families may fear. That is what my parents had the most problem with. They were afraid that my life would be riddled with angry, fearful and dangerous people who didn't understand. thier minister helped them deal with a lot of it and provided them resouces, books etc. They talked to pflag members. Had I thought about it at the time I would have talked to someone at pflag prior to coming out to my family to get them prepared and to help me with how to do it. I eventually realized it wasn't that my parents didn't want me to be me, they were just afraid of what it would mean for my future.



I have been really lucky that I have been out at work since my first real job (I was in the Army when I met my first lover so I was not out at that time). I currently work at a place where everyone I work with (about 25 people) know and are fine with it. I won't say they are all totally comfortable but I have never suffered any active abuse due to my lifestyle. I have found the best way to deal with it is to let people get to know me FIRST and then tell them who I really am! Once they like me it's usually not hard for them to hear I am gay, they don't see it as a big deal. I have several straight friends in all age groups who are very cool about it. In fact all of my friends now are straight, I don't hang out in the gay community anymore. Not because I don't want to just because I am settled and "not looking" anymore and my life revolves around my partner, work and my hobbies. My lover's brother and I check out cute chicks on TV together. He like's Aly too though he's not obsessed like I am!



Anyway, I won't babble anymore but I'm really happy to be here on the board with all of you because I hope that maybe I can offer an older lesbians view of things and some emotional support. I sure wish I had had an older gay person to talk to when I first came out. It would have helped. It's not an easy lifestyle to live at times but I honestly haven't found it to be nearly as bad as my parents feared it would be. Of course I am not very flamboyant, I think THAT might tend to turn my friends off. People might have more of a problem with that.



Finally, I will say I'm glad I didn't have to deal with coming out before I was legal age. I think that adds a whole set of issues that make it harder. Dependancy on your parents and all for your financial needs. I don't know how to advise you young ladies but I can only say that in the end (unless there are other family issues going on) your family loves you no matter what and there will probably be many more relationships (I know you think THIS is the ONE) but there is only one family. Try to work it out. Best of Luck to all of you, Betty