by Artemis » Sat Aug 26, 2006 9:19 pm
A: First, check the parts list on the instruction manual that was included in your birth. If you cannot find your instruction manual, ask your mother what happened to it.
You will need: one (1) size three wrench, one (1) qualified anaesthetist, three (3) Swiss Army Knives, an indeterminate number ('x' where x = indeterminate) of minor miracles in order to survive, and one (1) poster of Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft. The last isn't strictly necessary, but it's nice to have pretty scenery.
Step one: remove your chest. Open the latches down either side of your body, starting from the bottom of the ribcage and moving upwards. If you can't find the latches, consult your manual. Once you have removed the front of yourself, make sure you remember where you put it. All those people you see wandering around with cling-wrap holding their lungs in? They forgot where they put their chests. Try not to bleed everywhere.
Step two: take anaesthetic. In all honesty this probably should have been step one, but let's not quibble over details.
Step three: locate biological clock. It's just behind your heart, next to your brain. What, your brain's not there? It's in your head? Jeez... okay, wait a minute... oh, right, you're the Homo Sapiens model. Sorry. Never mind, it's basically the same. Lift up your heart and get someone to hold it to keep it from flopping about while you're trying to work. Lungs too, come to think of it. Damn, it's crowded in there. Who designed this thing, hadn't they ever heard of the serenity of open spaces?
Step four: once you've found your biological clock, you need to remove it. Start by cutting the red wire. No, wait, the blue wire. Red. Blue. No, blue, I'm sure. Okay, cut it. That should have stopped the timer. It didn't? Oh. The timer's running faster? Oh.
Step five: Remove biological clock. Get the cat. Run.
Step six: once you're out of the blast radius, stuff your organs back in, all that running probably jostled them around a bit. Don't worry, the order they go in doesn't matter, they're all multi-functional. I know, modern medical science hasn't worked that out yet - every time some surgeons accidentally stick a gall bladder where a heart should be they all panic and take it out again before anyone can notice that it's working. Make sure you get all your organs, it's embarrassing if you close yourself up and then find you've got bits left over.
Step seven: reattach your chest. You did grab it when you had to run, right? Okay, that should've been in step five. Never mind, let's assume you did - it's better than assuming you didn't. Warning: attempting to attach someone else's chest to yourself, in an effort to gain bigger boobs and/or more defined pecs will void your warranty.
Congratulations, you no longer have a biological clock.
Warning: side-effects may include a tendency to oversleep, forget what time it is, occasionally go through days backwards instead of forwards, and a sudden craving for smoked salmon. We suggest buying an alarm clock and wristwatch, wearing glasses with little side mirrors so you don't hit anything if you suddenly start walking backwards, and finding the location of the nearest good seafood restaurant.
Q: Why is it always that the same Thai restaurant has had an ad in front of the movie at the cinemas for the past ten years? Is it really worth the cost anymore?
. *hands u a glass of water*.
you dont eeeeven want to know...
