A Moment of Truth

[JustSkipIt]

I do not care in the least about the kardashians. I would not know them if they walked in the room right now. If one got married for publicity so what.that stilll does not effect me.

[Finey_McFine]

I do not care in the least about the kardashians. I would not know them if they walked in the room right now.

Amen to that!

[BeMyDeputy]

I have no idea what you're taking about, but it sounds like I'm happier tha way.

[sweet satin lover]

totally loving these silky satin sheets I received for my birthday, so comfy and nice on my skin I could sleep naked if it wasnt for winter, I think my nipples would fall off. lol

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I don't think I am better then anyone. I would never think such a thing. Although I do love some of my peeps, I may be out growing some of them. I am from the barrio so I can be ghetto at times. Even I have my limits though. With those limits means I am rational, logical, compassionate and understanding. I try to be all these things consistantly. Sometimes I know some of my friends can't come to me because I will lecture them. Simply cos I want what is best for them. I want them to be reasonable. The ghetto attitude and acting like you in fucken prison shit isn't cute at all. Come on really? I had to break it down to my girl Nic that she is 28 years old, act like it. I'm ready to kick that bitches ass is a stupid attitude to have. I am not for fighting. Believe me though if I throw down it's going to be for a better reason then some hina mad dogging me. Really? Tupiiiid! I am ghetto fo fun, but more real and reasonable on daily bases.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I feel like I have major feelings for this girl, but I honestly can't tell if it's real. It's not the first time I've felt unable to figure out my own heart, but it never fails to terrify me. I hate feeling like I can't even trust myself. I don't know what the hell to do, how to make sense of myself. I feel like I'm in love with her, but she's a stranger so how can I be? What would I do if I did have faith in my feelings, given all the circumstances that make a relationship extremely implausible? Given that I don't trust my heart, what do I do? What the hell can I do to figure out if it's real this time? All I know is I think about her, practically all the time, and she loves a lot of the things I do, and she's passionate and she loves great quotes and she can be hugely obsessive and I think she's kind of amazing; but what if my feelings for her are just filling a hole in my life? What is I just need something to cling to? It's happened to me before, inventing an attachment because I'm lonely and I don't know how to connect to people. Granted I don't think any of my crushes like that have ever lasted this long, at least not so intensely, but there's no reason it couldn't be that way now. What worries me the most is knowing that if I could choose, I would choose to love her; I doubt she's even aware of me as more than someone who posts a lot, I doubt she remembers any of the little interactions that meant so much to my heart, and she's too young and lives top far away, and I would still choose to love her just because it's been so long since I loved anyone, so long since I've let any feelings take me over completely. I had that I feel the need to be in love, and knowing that I do is the biggest reason I don't trust the love I feel. At the same time... I dreamed about her last night. I only remember a handful of dreams a year, and I think my best friend (who I was in love with for 3 years) and my ex were the only people I had feelings for that I ever dreamt about before her. But like with everything else, I'm not sure it was really about her; am in love with her, or with what she represents? Is it really possible that I even know her well enough to love her? I hate all this uncertainty. And as selfish as it is when I can't even trust my feelings, I hate that she doesn't love me.

[sweet satin lover]

I am officially a hot doofus I don't care about the Doofus part I am just glad I'm hot

[CrazyTaraWitch]

The other day I was at a store I frequent and had to show my ID card. The woman checking me out, who I've seen several times before, said the picture looked nothing like me cause I'm always smiling. It was one of the nicest things anyone had said to me in a long time, and it made me realize something huge about myself: much as I may complain, much as I may dislike huge aspects of my life, I'm actually a pretty happy person. I do smile most of the time. I do enjoy my moment-to-moment life most of the time. It's so very different from how I used to be, and I love it. I think I can genuinely say I am depression-free. It may not last forever, but I'm sure as hell gonna enjoy it for now.

[BeMyDeputy]

I'm not the person I want to be, but don't want to take the steps I would have to to be her.

[little.hesperides]

You know what? I'm not a dancer. I don't enjoy going out to clubs and dancing. I reject the notion that I have to partake in this activity in order to meet and date other women. But why, oh why, does every girl I meet like to go dancing? (sigh) This is never going to work.

On the other hand, if I could find some place to dance a waltz or polka or even a rumba, I'd be perfectly fine with that. Give me structure, and I can work with it. But just hurl me out on the dance floor and tell me to shake it? Dear lord help us all.

*I'm only worried about this because I am going out for drinks with a friend tomorrow night along with a girl he's setting me up with. I know there will be dancing afterward and I know she likes dancing. I should be excited about a date....not dreading it.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I have an absurd amount of homework to do in the next 9 days (4 hours of community fieldwork, 6 hours of observation, 11 lab reports, and 1 take-home test plus studying for finals) and I really can't seem to care. I know I have so much to do I can't possibly get it done if I leave it much longer, but I still keep putting it all off. Which means I will likely end up with a very poor grade in one of my classes-- and I've never made less than a strong A in any of my Child Development classes. This time, though, I honestly might not even pass. I logically know that, but the last minute scramble/panic hasn't set in yet so I'm not even working on things. Even though I know it will majorly screw me over.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I miss you very much. More then words can say. Please don't think that I've stopped caring about you in any way. I've always tried telling you that not all was lost, but you never understood what I was trying to say. I hope now you can reflect on everything on a much deeper level. I will always think highly of you. You hold a special place in my heart.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Truth #1: I've had 11 or 12 hours sleep in the last 3 nights, and though I'm a bit tired and have to leave for work in less than 7 hours I don't want to go to bed. I always used to love sleep, but the last few months I seem to avoid it like the plague, and I honestly don't know why. There's no conscious reason for it. I still hate getting up in the morning, I still like the feel of lying in bed (when my back doesn't hurt too much anyway), but I never want to sleep. It's like I think I'm going to miss something by being in bed, even though nothing ever really happens when I'm awake... I don't know why I'm like this. I don't know why most of the time I really don't give a fuck that I'm like this.

Truth #2: I have a new friend online who became very dear to me very quickly, but I'm not sure I completely trust him. I'm starting to see a pattern quite like one I experienced before, with an online friend who turned out to not be what she said. He seems like a sweet, kind guy, and he always likes to hear about my day, and he's interesting and smart, and he values my opinions. He seems like a really good person. And yet... There's this part of me that can't help thinking "danger! danger!", because like my ex-friend he claims an amazing amount of education, says he has money (and would help me pay for things like a trip to a con we both want to go to), and has started having a lot of drama in his life, even including medical problems. It's all so familiar, yet I have no reason to distrust him. I feel like it's not fair to him that I do, not fair that I've "adopted" him as my brother yet still have this reservation. Most of the time it's very small, but it's always there. I always remember how it all went down before. Yet he's always so supportive, and he just seems... real. But there was a time I thought my old friend was really too. I don't know, maybe I'm just gullible. One thing I do know, if I find out he is lying, there won't be second chances; not this time.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

It's New Year's Eve, and I can't help looking back on the last couple years and going, what the hell? 2 years ago, right at this time, I was with the woman I loved, having a very relaxed celebration at home. 1 year ago, I think at this time I think I had just gotten home from Kentucky, and was celebrating my return with my mum, calmly rejoicing in the fact a very hellish chapter of my life was over, just in time to start 2011. This year... I'm sitting in my room alone, feeling horribly anxious without a clear reason why. I'm sick of my job, I don't know if I want to be in school (even though I somehow managed good grades last semester), I had considered in an attempt to alleviate baggage before the new year ended telling my crush about my feelings for her but now am starting to doubt those feelings, I'm somewhat regretting a friendship I've recently embarked on but I don't know why, and I'm bummed because my best friend has been in town for two weeks and is completely miserable from being around her family and I'm partly happy for her that she's going home soon cause I realize how good it is for her to live far away but I'm also really sad because I want being here to feel good cause it makes me so happy when she's around but it doesn't make me happy if she's miserable yet when she's happy it means I don't get to see her and that makes me sad. There are probably more factors that I'm not even aware of contributing to my funk. It hit yesterday and got a little bit better while I hung out with my best friend, but today it's been back and even though I've been enjoying things underneath it the funk's still there. I'm worried that the funk is going to turn into depression, which I've been blissfully free of for quite some time now, but I guess it was silly to think the absence would last forever. I honestly don't know what I feel so... bleh. But despite an awesome roommate, a good apartment, a best friend who I've gotten to spend loads of time with recently, increasing skill in knitting, and an absurd amount of Doctor Who, I'm not loving my life right now. I wish I could figure out what's wrong so I could try to work on it.

[JustSkipIt]

Here's my confession: today I changed my grrr arrrgggh notification on my cell phone for the first 12 seconds of the Doctor Who theme. The BtVS theme is still my ringtone but grrr arggghh is out. I feel a little like I'm cheating on Buffy.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I can't help feeling sad about Lis Sladen's death. It so strange, because I'm not used to caring about any actors except Amber Benson, but she was a truly wonderful woman and though it's been 9 months I'm still very sad she's gone. I'm not sure if reading her autobiography is making it better or worse, but in the words of her character Sarah Jane, "There are some things worth getting your heart broken for." For me, silly though it is with her being an actress all never meet, an actress I did even fall in love with till shortly before her passing, Elisabeth Sladen is one of those things. Sometimes the loss of her actually hurts, and I can't help judging myself a little for that, but she's become one of my heroes and Sarah Jane Smith even more so, and I hate that she's not part of the world anymore.

[Finey_McFine]

My sister in law never stops talking. Good lord woman...SHUT UP!!!! You're interrupting the football game!

[Ariel]

Things do not put themselves away, even if you wait a long, long time . . .

Ariel
How I Met Your Mother

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Things do not put themselves away, even if you wait a long, long time . . .

Damn. There go all my hopes and dreams...

[Finey_McFine]

I just had to explain what an orgasm is to my 12 yr old daughter! Aggghhhhh!!!!!!! Why is my wife NEVER around for these conversations?

[BeMyDeputy]

I just had to explain what an orgasm is to my 12 yr old daughter! Aggghhhhh!!!!!!! Why is my wife NEVER around for these conversations?

At least she had someone explain it to her.

[JustSkipIt]

I just had to explain what an orgasm is to my 12 yr old daughter! Aggghhhhh!!!!!!! Why is my wife NEVER around for these conversations?

First, I agree with Kate about having someone to explain it to her but also... I simply must know how that came up.

[Finey_McFine]

First, I agree with Kate about having someone to explain it to her but also... I simply must know how that came up.

It was mentioned in a TV show were watching. I don't mind explaining, it's just surreal. I mean, I used to field questions like, "Why does the sun shine?" Obviously, we've graduated to bigger and 'better' things, lol. After I explained it she got up and said, "I'm going to get a glass of water, because I think I may throw up."

[CrazyTaraWitch]

#1: I see absolutely nothing wrong in occasionally eating thin mints for breakfast and cheez-its for dinner.

#2: The decrease in my attention span over the last couple of years scares me sometimes.

[Ariel]

The person most involved in making my life happy and successful is me.

So (to myself) get with it, girlfriend!

Ariel
How I Met Your Mother

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I realized something last night: I'm going to be okay. It's okay to worry, it's good to be careful sometimes, but I'm going to be okay. If I want a decent phone, if I want to be able to have internet whenever and wherever I am, I'll find a way to afford those things. If I want to go on a trip once or twice a year, I'll afford that two. These things won't keep me from my college or my Midwifery program; they won't keep me from my dreams. I will be okay. Life will never be exactly what I think it's going to be, I won't get everything I want, but I will be okay. I'm good at getting jobs, I have savings, and in most ways I live very cheaply. It's alright to let myself have a couple nice things. Because I will be okay. My life is going to be okay. I don't need to save every penny, or feel guilty about the rare box of girl scout cookies. I will be okay.

It feels really good to finally know that.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I am not a confused person. I am not living not knowing what I want and how I want it. I just feel bad that I don't want certain things bad enough to make them my own. Let me rephrase that...I don't want certain people bad enough to make them my own. I say what I feel and mean it always. I just don't understand myself and seem to complicate things some how. That is very wrong of me. I am not at all a bad person, that's what makes the situations more fucked up. It doesn't make it any easier cos I am a good person. I don't want a friends with benefits type of relationship, but I also don't want to be in a serious relationship with anyone right now. I like the whole romance and easy going thing, but I know there has to be more. I have to be willing to give more of what the other person wants. That is a problem for me. I seem to be willing to surrender myself completely to people who don't want me and yet the people who do want me I won't surrender to. WTF is up with that? I am an idiot, but an honest one. Someone like me needs to stay away from the whole love romance thing. Not cos I don't deserve it, I just don't know what to do with it. I know at this rate I will end up alone, but that thought doesn't scare me cos I am alone. It's not anything new to me. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I realize there are many women who would make a great girlfriend, sadly I am not one them.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I think I'm actually an adult now. Obviously I still have a lot of growth left for my life, we're all constantly growing, but I think I've actually grown up. I'm not a kid anymore. And I'm mostly glad for that.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I want to be with someone. I want it all the time and I don't know how to find it. I want love. Getting close to what I want and then having it all fall away makes it so much harder... I don't want to be alone. Everyday I wish I had someone. Every day. And I'm tired. I'm tired of constantly wanting.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I get inordinately attached to objects with very little value, and most of the time I don't know why. Today I lost my favourite pin, which cost about $1.50, and I nearly cried. It was a little thing, most days I didn't even notice it, but seeing it was gone made me very sad. I then I got sadder realizing I couldn't share the loss with the one person who would probably get it. I guess she's another thing I'm inordinately attached too...