A Moment of Truth

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I feel horribly selfish for wanting to come out to my grandmother. I try to tell myself that it's not fair to be dishonest with her, but I think I just use that as an excuse. I'm doing it for me. And some days I hate myself for it, because I know it's going to hurt her. She won't understand and she will be so sad, and sometimes I feel like a horrible person that I'm going to inflict this pain on someone I love.

[sweet satin lover]

I feel very under-appreciated right now, generally. I am a good person, I try to make everyone happy.

[Kessari]

Talked to some friends from my Aion days yesterday, while I watched the football match. They were actually watching it as well and we had a blast. Can't believe how much I missed them.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes I have moments where I just feel like I suck. I don't even necessarily feel that upset about it; at times it's just a feeling of, "Oh, there I go failing again. Same old story." I have a bad habit that I can't seem to get rid of (which I guess isn't that surprising since I've had it nearly half my lifetime now), and sometimes I'll start to get better, and then I slip back, and it just gives me a feeling of, "Yup, that's what happens. You knew it wouldn't really work." I forget to run errands, I leave dirty dishes too long, I never clean my room, I put off studying, and it's always, "Yeah that's me, a cock up. Whatever." It's the near-apathy that worries me really; the acceptance that I'm like this, and using it as an excuse-- cause if I know I'm always procrastinating on everything and lacking self-discipline, there's no pressure to do things differently. I don't want to be like that.

[JustSkipIt]

I find that I truly reset my brother-in-law's money and the way he spends it. A few years ago at Xmas he wanted a new IBook so he bought himself one and the rest of the family a family computer and an Ipod each. Last year he wanted a boat so he bought himself one and one for the family. That shouldn't all matter to me. I mean my only really valid concern is that we try to give our kids one good Christmas present like a bike or perhaps this year they will get nanos or used Ipods. So it's hard to give our kids a dollhouse and go to their house for Xmas and have their kids open like $900 worth of gifts. But still that shouldn't matter to me. It's his money and he's not taking anything away from me.

Anyway, our niece is staying with us and she's a great kid. She is sort of constantly texting on her phone or Ipod Touch but hell, I do the same. At the dinner the topic of Ipods came up and she said this is her new Touch and she had 2 before but one broke and she's had a shuffle and a few Nanos. Wow. Anyway, so then my wife wanted the niece to tell me about their new 3D! 55 inch TV.

Sometimes I just don't want to hear about how much shit that family has when we just bought our first TV in 20+ years.

And I know I shouldn't feel this way. These feelings are beneath me. I should be more gracious. More happy for their abundance.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I really like where I work, and the people I work with, but sometimes it makes me extremely uncomfortable that I'm so friendly and personal with co-workers. I've always had lines before, lines I didn't cross with colleagues, and I always felt like I needed them; now I have no lines, or almost none, but a lot of the time I still feel like I need them. I really enjoy my coworkers and nearly all the time I enjoy being friendly with them, but I still have my lifelong fear of being so weird they can't take me seriously; in my personal life I'm as weird as I want to be, cause I don't give a fuck what people think, but in my work life I want to be viewed as a professional and an adult, and I worry that can't happen if I keep letting myself relax so much.

[Finey_McFine]

My daughter is growing up, fast and it makes me sad. She's a wonderful young lady, with a good head on her shoulders, but I can't help but miss the little girl. She'll be 13 next month and while it doesn't seem 'old,' I just keep thinking our next major milestone isn't something sweet and innocent like lost teeth or learning to ride a bike. It's going on dates, learning to drive and going off to college. I'm happy for her to experience all this things, it's just...the letting go is a tough process.

Anyway, today she is flying alone to Florida to spend ten days with my best friend and their family. My bf,K, has been here for the last week and J is going back 'with' them. Except we couldn't get her on the same flight or the same airline or the same airport, lol. Thus the flying alone. She's flown alone before, but it was a quick 40 min flight. This is a 3 hour flight and her plane gets in an hour or so before my bf's. We arranged for K's sister to meet her at baggage so she won't be waiting alone, but still. Ugh, I don't even know why I'm worried. The kid is amazingly confident, independent and extremely trustworthy, but she's flying ALONE!

[Kessari]

I'm sitting in the dark, listening to the same song over and over, trying not to get upset too much. I looked at my phone for probably the first time in two days and have about a hundred missed calls from my best friend. At least someone cares.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes, I think one of the biggest reasons I want to move far away is so there can be an excuse for why I'm so distant from my family, so that maybe it won't hurt so much. I love my sisters, I really do, but it's not easy being the one who's not a "real" sister; they say it doesn't matter to them, that I am their sister and they think of me that way, but they treat me totally differently. I haven't seen my eldest sister, or her beautiful baby son, in close to two months, nor did I get any response when I wrote to her saying to give my nephew a hug on his birthday; it's been at least two months since I've seen my other big sister, and we haven't communicated at all in that time; it's been well over two months since I saw my little sister, and nearly that long since we talked except for her thanking me for wishing her a happy birthday. And you know what? I live in the same town as two of them, only an hour or so from the third. We live in the same place and I never see them. We all have computers and phones, but I never hear from them. I don't mean to say it's all on them, not by a long shot, it's just that I know they're so much closer to each other than to me. The all talk every couple of days, and usually see each other more often too. I'm... the sister who's not really a sister, but we're not allowed to say that because our family is supposed to be beyond mattering whether we're related to each other or not.
I've given up on trying to be closer to them; now I just want to be physically far away so that maybe I won't notice the emotional distance so much.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I feel like I'm falling apart. I let her in, only her, and she doesn't even seem to care. Again. I know all the reasons, all the excuses, for seeming distant, but right now it doesn't feel good enough. I'm falling apart and she's not here for me; she ignored it all, again. I thought she was the one person who actually understood what moving to the UK means to me, the one person who would understand my terror that it might not be possible. And she fucking brushed passed it. Her promises to try harder to connect, open up, respond, still seem to mean nothing. At some point, the reasons and excuses, the promises to try harder, aren't going to be good enough; each time they seem to matter less and less, and the simple fact that she can't or won't give me what I need matters more and more.
The first time we met, she joked about smuggling me into the UK when she moves there. She's mentioned since that "we'll find a way" to get me there if my plan doesn't work. Today she didn't suggest that we would find a way together, or that we can get married before she moves so I can go with her, like she has before. Today, when I was freaking out and I needed my person, she suggested I get a work visa, then when I explained that I can't she made no response at all. I needed her. I needed her to tell me it would be okay, that we'd figure it out, that we would have our life together no matter what; at the very least, I needed her to tell me that *I* would find a way, that I could get through school here if I had to, that I would get there someday. But there were no reassurances, no placations, no votes of confidence. Nothing to help me feel less scared inside, and nothing to let me know I wouldn't be alone trying to figure it all out. That's how I feel right now, alone and a little bit abandoned.

[Finey_McFine]

I have a SERIOUS crush on Francis McDormand.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I honestly can't separate my desire to be closer to my girlfriend from my other reasons for wanting to move to San Francisco. I want to know how much of my desire to move there is about the place and the school, and how much is just about her. It feels important that I figure it out, because I need it to not be all about her, but I don't know how, because everytime I come up with a "logical" reason for moving, I wonder if it's just an excuse, and if it's all tainted by wanting to live just a few hours away from her.

[Laragh]

I've been about 400% more productive over two days of not using any social networking.

[T.G.I.F.]

Yes, once again another Golden Olympic medal on the 100 meters freestyle swimming since 2000. Congrats Ranomi Kromowidjojo!!

[Finey_McFine]

One of my conservative "friends" has been waging war on Facebook against the Gay community in support of Chick Fil A. It's upsetting and disturbing how much hate has flowed out of her the last few weeks and I have considered, more times than not, unfriending her. Then it hit, I remembered a conversation we had last year me and I realized exactly why she's so upset.

One day she called me out of the blue and asked how and when I knew I was gay and how could you tell if someone was gay. When I asked why, she said, "I think my son might be gay. He likes to dress in his sister's clothes and said he likes boys and not girls." Then of course she finished with the standard, "Not that theres anything wrong with that," line. So of course that's why she's been posting hateful thoughts, because she's scared to death! God, I hope that kid really is gay. I hope he prances around in his underwear, in 4" heels and a pink feather boa. I hope he wears makeup, takes dance and sings Donna Summer karaoke at the top of his lungs all day and night. Ahhhh, sweet revenge, LOL.

[JustSkipIt]

Shelby - I feel sort of sorry for your friend but more so for her son. How in denial would you have to be for the boy to tell you he likes boys not girls and you think he MIGHT be gay? And now if she is spewing such hatred he is being exposed to that. Poor kid.

[RainbowNerdette]

^My thoughts exactly :(

On topic: My head is just too dang full and I think way too much.

[Kessari]

There are no words to describe how much I enjoy the Olympics... Every time...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I refuse to think of going back to life without my girl. She can brighten up my whole universe with just a few words... Sometimes I wish she were more expressive, but every time she shows her affection I know she means it 100%, and it's worth so much. Every little anything fills my heart and makes me all warm and gooey inside. I never ever ever want to give up this feeling. I never ever ever want to give up this girl! I know there's still a hell of a lot standing in our way, our own issues not the least of it, but I believe we'll get through things together, that we'll find our way to be together, because the alternative is unacceptable.

[JustSkipIt]

Sometimes I am simply tired of my wife being depressed. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do and it just goes on and on. Sometimes it gets better for a month or two and lulls me into believing it will be better and then it's back and it just sucks. I'm sure it sucks more for her but I'm really tired of it.

[T.G.I.F.]

I really love my best friend, even though we have our difficulties. But I was stressing out a bit about a crush that I have. She just came over and dragged me to the tanning salon, to relax a little bit. That was like the sweetest thing someone could do at that moment.

[little.hesperides]

I'm really really excited about seeing the Spice Girls reunite for the closing Olympic ceremonies.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes, my family hurts. Sometimes, I wish I could walk away and not look back. But I never will.

[RainbowNerdette]

The Spice Girls were bloody FLAWLESS!
It was like '97 all over again!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I am really going to miss my friend that's moving away in a few days. I hardly see her, but I always like knowing she 's here, cause she's happy and bubbly and crazy and weird and fun, and I like having someone like that around, even when we go too long without getting together. We talked tonight about me visiting someday, and made all sorts of random plans (ranging from Antarctica to my wedding to our kids), but deep down I doubt we'll stay close enough for those things; I'm sure we'll keep in touch a bit, but even that will fade with time. I wish it would be different, and certainly I will try to stay real friends with her, but I think the distance will make it too hard because we're not close enough emotionally for the miles not to matter.

[Kessari]

I think in everyone's life there is a point, where you either cry, scream or laugh about it all...
Well, I chose to laugh so hard I had to cry... Made me want to scream. Life can be a bitch!

[JustSkipIt]

I really think my nephew is probably gay. Or will be. He has seemed gay since he was young and when I saw him last night, especially. I really hope his dad can be accepting and loving toward him. He is very theoretically ok and fine with us but I wonder if it is different when it is your only son.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes lately, I think my life is too good to be true. There's a part of me waiting for the bottom to fall out, because somewhere inside I don't think I get to be this happy. I've gotten over thinking I don't *deserve* to be happy, but I've not gotten to the point where I can quite believe it's real. I found a relationship that feels practically perfect, a person that seems to fit with me better than I could have imagined, and there's this little piece of me, a piece that I absolutely *hate*, that can't quite trust this love because it feels too good.

[Laragh]

I have a friend who I really think we've run the course on our friendship. Nothing in particular happened, but I just find myself being annoyed by her and we're just grating on each other. It's kinda sad that I'm not even mourning this friendship, I just want it to be over.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm going to try to go to school where my girl lives, and I honestly don't know whether it's a good idea or not. I'm both excited and terrified. When we started talking about it, she said she'd like to have proper dates and spend hours in bookstores; I had honestly never thought about that stage. I think about the way things are now, with us far apart, and I think about our visits to each other and rips together while we're living apart, and I think about a few years down the road when we live together and build our life together, but I had honestly never thought about... an inbetween stage, of us living less than an hour apart, dating and spending time together but not sharing our whole lives. I don't know how I feel about an in between stage, because it had just never occurred to me; I'd always thought, once we lived in the same place *of course* we'd live together, because we'd want as much us as we could get. In the next 3 years, living together won't be an option, but I'd just never thought... We already know we want to spend the rest of our lives together, so isn't dating going backwards in a way?