The Lesbian Jokes Thread

[littlecrazy80]

*lil´c*

"I am S-E-X-Y" Amber at the FedCon



Sweet Amber ~~~ Amber Board ~~~ Danielle Benson ~~~ Danielle Benson France ~~~ Danielle Board

[Jennpurr]

Jen

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Phoebe: Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting demons. ~ Charmed: Season 2, "P3 H20"
Quia ego cognosco cogitationes meas, quas ego cogito super vos, dicit Jehova, cogitationes pacis, et non in malum; ut dem vobis finem et expectationem. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

[3peanuts]

"I like Amber Benson 'cause she's a proletarian" Sarabiga

Keynes was right

[EffieBlue]

Q: How many premenstrual women does it take to change a light bulb?



A: HOW THE FUCKING HELL WOULD I KNOW??? STOP ASKING ME SUCH STUPID QUESTIONS AND FIX THE FUCKING LIGHT!!!

Edited by: EffieBlue at: 8/5/04 4:15 am

[some dark thing]

This was posted by evil eric on the shoujoai board, but it's too good to pass up. (Credit goes to eric. )



Homer Simpson walks into this bar called the She-She Club, and he's looking around. He says, "Wait a minutes...something's wrong...I know! This cheap lesbian bar doesn't have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap, ladies!" And as he leaves this chick says, "Sheesh, what was her problem?"





And just something I liked when I saw "Boys On The Side"

(and for those that don't know, Jane is played by Whoopi Goldberg :-))



male LAWYER: You are, however, one of these gay women that we read about, or do you prefer lesbian?

JANE: Do I prefer them to you?





And www.craigslist.org/about/...33344.html

How many lesbians does it take...to retrieve an earring from the drain in a bathroom sink?

Edited by: some dark thing at: 1/15/05 9:32 am

[WhiteSkyFire]

Just had to add this one..



Q: What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?

A: Well hung



-Sky-

[BreatheNoMore]

OMG, I died laughing like 10 times while reading those...

HILARIOUS!

_________________

Who Can Decide What They Dream, And Dream I Do?

-Evanescence, Taking Over Me

Edited by: BreatheNoMore at: 1/17/05 7:39 am

[Trom DeGrey]

Went to a local comedy club last weekend and heard a great one. The comedian (bad me, forgotten his name already) was talking about Jerry Fallwell and how that idiot has said that AIDS is God's punishment for gay men.

"So, I thought about that for a little bit and then I realized that AIDS doesn't just hit gay men. So I sat down and wrote out everyone affected by AIDS. Straight men, straight women, bisexuals... And then it hit me!

God's chosen people are lesbians!!!!!"

Our table went wild and he pointed to us and said, "Look! We're blessed with some of God's chosen tonight!"

[FloatingRose]

"Look! We're blessed with some of God's chosen tonight!"

*snort* omg... that's awesome! I sooo gotta tell that one.

[slaphappy]

Q. What's the difference between a Triscuit and a Lesbian?

A. Well one is snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

[Jennpurr]

[Always410]

*laughs* Good jokes! Must say, some I found disturbing...ones about fish I still dont understand (but that could be because of my naiiveness...) annnd I've seen the "Missing Gravy Ladle" one before but it was with a straight couple. Thought it was funny then, but somehow? Its better this way

Hope someone finds more soon!

Jen

[sarejester]

Oh my Goddess, I laughed so hard at the How many lesbians does it take...to retrieve an earring from the drain in a bathroom sink? story, my flatmates think im on some kind of crack, all they could hear for about five minites was me laughing my arse of in my bedroom,

ok ok ......composure where are you?

my flatmate told me these yeasterday and if there allready on here I will go back to my corner and hide

whats better then eating a manerin?
....eating amanda-out.... (ba dam dam chhh (drum roll...then eye roll)

how do you confuse three blind lesbians,
set them at three different locations in a fish market and ask them to find each other with out talking....

....and back to hiding for me,

[DarkChild]

These are hilarious

I wish I had some of my own to share, but sadly, I don't.

[Anne860]

I work at a call center and this was actually told to me by a customer (my apologies if this has been posted before):

What do you call a bunch of lesbians standing in a wardrobe?

A lick-her cabinet.


Anne

[carmen_sutra]

Hey everyone, here's my joke and appologise if it's already been posted!


two lesbians were out playing golf. They tee off, one drive goes to the right, and one drive goes to the left.
One of them finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process, she hacks the hell out of the buttercups,
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her, and says:
“I’m Mother Nature, and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”
The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.
Shaken, the woman calls out to her partner, "Hey, where's your ball?"
"It's over here in the pussy willows."
She screams back, "WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T HIT THE BALL! DON'T HIT THE BALL!"

[Ben Varkentine]

I stumbled across a blog entry where somebody's put together a collection of lesbian/bi quotes, many of them quite funny, that I thought Kittens would apreciate. I'll post a few of my favorites here, but there's much more.

The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals, and three-hundredand sixty two admonishments to heterosexuals. This doesn't meanthat God loves heterosexuals any less,it's just that they needmore supervision."~Lynne Lavner "

"I don't think of them a lesbian supervisors, I think of them as county supervisors who happen to be lesbians. A lesbian supervisor would have a very different job: 'Hey you, cut those nails before you hurt somebody!'"~~~Marga Gomez (Lesbian Comic)

"Some women can't say the word lesbian....even when their mouth is full of one."~~~Kate Clinton (Lesbian Comic)

Here's the link:

http://marinewife2006.blogspot.com/2005 ... these.html

[behindhereyes]

Thank you Kittens


behindhereyes
Kim

[Guppy]

Great jokes!

[GayNow]

http://www.lesbianation.com/article.cfm?section=5&id=7779

Why Being a Lesbian is Better than Being a Gay Man
11.29.05

By L. A. Vess

As long as it is all in the spirit of fun, making light of the stereotypes of gays & lesbians can be more than just entertaining - it can be empowering as well. Laughter can be a celebration of both the similarities and the differences between us. So this week, we bring you ten reasons why being a lesbian is better than being a gay man.

As GLBT persons, we are drowned in stereotypes from both within and without our queer world. Just like in the straight world, certain aspects of our personality and appearance are grafted onto us by society at large - whether they are true or not. However, this isn't neccesarily always a bad thing. Gay men are universally considered to be 'caring, loving, gentle' sorts of people. Dykes are 'able to change a tire in a single bound' and have a gifted knowledge of power tools. Of course, not every gay guy is a sweetheart, and not every lesbian can identify the business end of a tire iron.

All in all though, certain stereotypes of queer folk can give us a kind of power. Many gay men are sought out by their friends, gay & straight alike, as confidents and advice givers because of their 'caring' reputation. A proud butch dyke walking into a mechanic won't neccesarily be considered easy, automotively-uneducated prey just because she's female. Though stereotypes can hurt us, they can also sometimes give us a kind of foot in the door in a some situations.

And, as long as it is all in the spirit of fun, making light of the stereotypes of gays & lesbians can be more than just entertaining - it can be empowering as well. Laughter can be a celebration of both the similarities and the differences between us. So this week, we bring you ten reasons why being a lesbian is better than being a gay man!

1. Lesbians can get away with wearing pretty much any damn thing they want. A man in a dress is either in drag or in transition, but a dyke in a dress is still just a chick!

2. Gay men think they know how to party - but lesbians know the best party is the one you actually remember the next day!

3. We may not have live-in pool boys, but our lovers know everything there is to know about getting wet!

4. Lesbians are the undeniable masters of all power tools, and that means ALL power tools.

5. Gay men may have the corner on decorating style, but we lesbians know that furniture only has to fulfil three important requirements. Stable, feels good against naked skin and can accommodate two bodies in motion - repeatedly.

6. It isn't that lesbians can't just go to a bar and pick up the first willing stranger to take home. It's just that we have better taste.

7. Lesbians generally are either best friends with their ex's or they hate them - but either way it is generally over and done with. Gay men, on the other hand, refuse to categorize their ex's - because it's hard to sleep with either your best friend or hated enemy again, and again, and again. . .

8. After ending a relationship, a lesbian doesn't have to sleep with at least ten people before moving on to their next LTR.

9. 'Butch' and 'femme' in lesbian relationships does not neccesarily correlate to 'top' and 'bottom'. In fact, most lesbians are well-versed in the benefits of switch-hitting!

10. And the very best reason it is better to be a lesbian than a gay man - women!

© 2005 Laura Vess, All Rights Reserved

[DaddyCatALSO]

Okay, I know the rules of humor include that, unless you discriminate in the first place, you're not allowed to tell a joke in which the humor depends on in-group stereotypes or only on the charcaters status, unless you're member of the "tribe." For example, don't say ajoke involving the n-word unless you're black or you're in the KKK and talking to other KKKers.
Howver, I tend to think there are borderline cases which aren't off-limits to non-members and I came across a classic (in the sense of quite old) in a book I was reading last month so if it's okay to post:

It was a June evening in 1931 and a newlywed couple had just checked into the honeymoon suite. The bride sat down on the edge of the bed, and the groom joined her with a big smile on his face. He took her hands in his and said:
"Darling, tonight I'm the happiest man alive. And I want to promise you, I'm not like some men, I meant every word I said this afternoon. there will never be anyone else for me but you. Well, this will never happen, but I do want to be totally honest with you. If I ever have the chance to make love with Greta Garbo, I will yield to the temptation."
The bride thought about it for half a second, then shrugged her shoulders and said, "Ah, that's okay. I would too."

[Brianna]

good!! they so good!!!!!!

[amberholic]

hey there ....
you know all how to clean ur house..the fish tank once in a while....but do u know how to clean ur monitor ??????
http://mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cursor/ciagnijcycka.swf




Any more joke? let me hear a yes ...

[Willow Watcher]

This isn't really a joke but it's so funny...my daughter was holding her kitten and she was acting like she was licking his head. I told her, "I dare you to do it for real." I should have known better. She did and then up and told me "See, I told you I would be like you one day. I just licked my first pussy!"

[amberholic]

yes right it aint really a joke ...but i thought it was funny to see it ... any way here are some jokes ....

A stranger was seated next to Little Jane on the plane when the
stranger turned to the Little Jane and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Jane, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger. "What would you like to discuss?" "Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Jane. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Jane, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

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Q: What do you tell a lesbian that's terrible at singing?

A: Stick with eating pussy.

Q: What do you tell a lesbian terrible at eating pussy?

A: Learn how to sing.

Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time?
Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face

What do you call a lesbian with long fingers?
Well Hung

What do you call lesbian twins?
Lick-a-likes


Two lovers fall on hard times and decided to rob a bank together.

The first lover plans the robbery and goes over the plan with the second lover in great detail.

The robbery begins.

The first lover drives up in front of the bank, stops the car and says to the other lover, "I want to make absolutely sure you understand the plan. You are supposed to be in and out of the bank in no more than three minutes with the cash. Do you understand the plan?"

"Perfectly," he said.

He goes in the bank while the other waits in the getaway car.

One minute passes, two minutes pass...seven minutes pass - and the first lover is really stressing out.

Finally, the bank doors burst open and out he comes. He's got a safe wrapped up in rope and is dragging it to the car.

About the time he gets the safe in the trunk of the car, the bank doors burst open again with the security guard coming out.

The guard's pants and underwear are down around his ankles while he is firing his weapon.

As the guys are getting away, the first lover says "I thought you understood the plan!"

The second lover said, "I did! I did exactly what you said!"

"No, you idiot," he replied. "You got it all mixed up. I said tie up the GUARD and blow the SAFE!"


This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good."

The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink."

The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?"

The first lady says, "We're lesbians."

The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies."

The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

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What do lesbians need to get married?
A Licker license


What do lesbians cook for dinner?
They don't cook, they just eat out!

What do lesbians do after they have an argument?
They go home and lick each others wounds!

What's the new politically correct name for a lesbian?
A Vagitarian!

In order to save on holiday costs, two secretaries are rooming together. On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder and says, "There is something I have been meaning to tell you about myself. I will be frank. I am a lesbian."
"That's OK," replied the other girl, "I will be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too!"



What's the Latin name for a lesbian?
Strapadictomy!

What do you call a fight between two Chinese lesbians?
A Tong war!

How many screws are there in a lesbians coffin?
None, Its all tongue and groove!

What do you call a Pakistani lesbian?
Fadjeeta!


What do Polish lesbians use for a lubricant?
Tartar sauce!



Okay Okay I'll zip it now...........

[GoodWitch]

Q: What do you call a lesbian one-night -stand?

A: A Lickety-split!

Here is an older version of one that has already been told.

Q: Did you hear that Billie Jean King died?

A: Yeah, they found her face down in Veronica Lake.

It's OK because she had to quit playing tennis, anyway... She had licked all her opponents.

[GoodWitch]

Here's another one... I personally thought it was only marginally funny but here you go.

Q: What do lesbians call the first day of Spring?
A: The Vaginal Equinox

[Willow Watcher]

Here's one that I hope no one has posted yet...
Q: What does Kentucky Fried Chicken and Women have in common?
A: They're both finger lickin' good.