by umgaynow » Sun Dec 17, 2006 6:14 pm
A: Well, the first thing you need to do is locate either a cheese slicer, a small chain saw or a particularly sharp piece of paper...magazine pages generally work well...then grasping said object in the hand opposite the elbow you wish to use...slowly or quickly, whichever you prefer, really...sever the arm in question...there is going to be a lot of blood so you might want to do this in the bathtub or at least put down a dropcloth or something...You will also want to have an iron on hand, the kind used for pressing clothing or a waffle iron if you want to get creative...heat the iron to its highest temperature and press it to the end of the bloody stump that is now where your arm once was and is now gushing great fountains of blood...you'll want to do this part as quickly as possible or you may pass out from blood loss before you can accomplish it...the iron will cauterize the gaping wound and staunch the flow of your lifesblood to a slow trickle...as you might imagine this is going to hurt like a mutha so make sure that there are no small children around to hear you swearing...once you have awakened from your pain induced bout of unconsciousness, cauterize the end of the severed limb as well...this will not hurt, but the sickening smell of charring flesh may make you want to have another look at your lunch, as you will not have the pain to distract you from it this time, so have a bucket handy...unless of course you have chosen the bathtub option, in which case you can just open the lid of the toilet...once you have finished vomiting, carefully clean the severed arm of all blood as if you get blood in your ear, it will dry there and only make the itching worse...if you are worried about this happening you may swath the arm in Saran Wrap (or cling film, depending upon which continent you are currently residing) Now, leaning against the nearest wall to steady yourself (with only one arm and all that blood loss there's bound to be balance issues) take the severed arm and bend it at the elbow joint...if you are lucky it will still be pliable enough at this point to accomplish said flexion...it's all relative, depending on how long you were unconscious after the ironing bit...we're almost done, aren't you excited?
Now, place the elbow against the itchy ear in question and wiggle it all about until the itching stops...although 9 times out of 10 (or at least 7) the itching will be due to allergies and therefore too deep in the ear canal for the elbow to have any effect...
All in all you are best off just writing off the "never put anything in your ear but your elbow" thing as an old wives tale/advertising slogan and scratching it gently with a cotton swab or one of your fingers if they are small enough and your nails are not of the long lacquered claw variety...in any event be very careful with this whole "itchy ear" area of endeavor...Vincent Van Gogh once spent far too long pondering this very question and look how that turned out...
A: If you have one of those ugly ass Christmas trees made of tinsel, should you drape it with more tinsel or would something else be more appropriate?
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EEEEEEEEEEEEEW!!
(I don't know why that was the first thing that came into my mind...)
