A Moment of Truth

[EasierSaid]

I have way too many emotions bottled up right now, and I swear half of them don't even belong to me.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I have a crush on a nice, friendly, fun girl I very badly do not want to have a crush on. I want to get to know her, but at the same time I feel sort of guilty trying to become her friend when I'm attracted to her. I don't think she likes girls, and even if she did and somehow liked me I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who's super religious. Yet any moment I interact with her becomes the highlight of my day and I find myself perversely hoping our eyes will meet in choir. I think about her way too much and get way to happy when I see her smile. The feelings are kind of nice, but I wish they would go away.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I don't know if it's my humanity, my compassion or the fact that I am my mother's only daughter. I've been emotional these last few months due to many challenges I have faced. I've come to the realization of many things and it's been hitting me hard. My mother hasn't always been the best person. Growing up she hurt me so much that I found myself crying most of the time. Now that I'm older it means she's older. She hurts me and makes me cry for different reasons now. It's ironic. My compassion and humanity is at an all time high because of her. I see her struggling physically and it hurts. I am doing whatever I can to help her. I realized last night that when my mother is longer here it means my only connection to a bloodline will be over. I don't have any other family it will end with her.

[Finey_McFine]

We took a right brain / left brain test and my wife, who is a self proclaimed analytical left brain, scored 70% on the right. She was so irritated that she took it again and again and again.... We all got a good laugh and I'm gonna get soooooo much mileage out of this.

[Dennio]

Book organizing his dangerous to both your wrist and bottom.

And apparently when I am in pain because of a fall or a bruise I laugh???? I couldn't stop laughing. I am really weird....

[EasierSaid]

Cried a bit this morning because I'm so, so homesick. This video didn't help. (Or did it?)

[JustSkipIt]

My wife has planned a busy day for the day before a regular work/school week. I think it's a mistake.

[EasierSaid]

I don't think I'll ever delete his contact info off of my phone, even if it sometimes sneaks up on me and surprises me with overwhelming sadness. I'd rather have that reminder than nothing.

[JustSkipIt]

Heather - I have that exact thing with my work e-mail. My mom's e-mail address is in there and I don't want to delete it but then I see it and it's like cold water or something.

[Finey_McFine]

I still have a voicemail from my mom on my phone...

[writerfreak]

I still keep my grandmothers phone number in my phone under her name rather than my cousin who actually has the phone number now. I got her name tattooed on my arm.

writerfreak

[EasierSaid]

/hugs guys

MoT: I cannot spell Sheila correctly on the first try to save my life. ("Shelia")

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I've been a better student this semester than I ever have before, but I'm still becoming way underproductive now that it's the end of term. I only studied 2 hours for my Physiology test today, which may have cost me an A in the course, and with a major paper due tomorrow at 5 I'm watching Doctor Who and playing around online instead of working. I'm getting into the zone of feeling bad about myself for procrastinating so much, which then just makes me want to distance myself even more from what's making me feel bad, which in this case is studying and writing my paper, so then I put them off even more. This is why I always feel like I'm a bad student who won't succeed in college...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Even after all these years, sometimes I wonder why I pretend they're my sisters. I wonder if it would hurt less if I stopped pretending...
In September I made a pillow for my sister K's birthday at the beginning of October. It wasn't perfect, but I worked really hard on it and mailed it out so it should have gotten it in time. She never said thank you. My birthday rolled around, I didn't hear from her-- no text or phonecall, no facebook message, no card in the mail. The only two times I've heard from her since August were a response to the happy birthday text I sent her and a comment on a facebook status.
In June, I made birthday presents for my sister R and my nephew A, my sister S's son, and mailed them off. R and S didn't say thank you or even tell me they got the presents until I saw them in August. When I saw them, R talked about how she missed me and we needed to talk more, proposed we have weekly coffee phone dates. She picked the day and time, and a week and a half later I called her and left a message. An hour later I called again. She's never called back. I wrote S a few weeks ago offering to babysit A while I'm in town over the holidays, and she never wrote back.
Out of 3 sisters S is the only one who even told me happy birthday. And here I am knitting scarves for them for Christmas, wondering if they'll like them and if I should make something more personal instead-- when every year R gets me nothing and K claims to have a present for me at home that she forgot to bring but I somehow never get in the end, and S only sometimes gives me something usually impersonal. Why the hell do I bother? Why do I care so damn much? Why do I even try, even pretend? The three of them are sisters, and a decade in I'm still the stepsister, no matter what we call me. I'll never be A's real Aunt, never be somehow he really knows and loves, never be someone he'd turn to. I'll never be someone R looks to for support or chooses to spend time with; I had my one Big Sister moment in her life years ago and I guess that's all I get. K and S will never protect me or look out for me like they do R, will never be there for me like they are for her.

My big crazy family where we all love each other regardless of blood is a lie. I am the stepsister, the black sheep, the one who is never going to fit no matter how much time passes. They love me when we're face to face and forget I exist the rest of the time. Maybe it's time I work on forgetting them too.

[JustSkipIt]

So Marriage Equality has come to New Mexico (sort of - not by vote but by court). And we want to get married. I want to get married. I want to be married. And we've talked about getting married on our 15th anniversary (this Fall).

But realistically it will cost us about $6000-$6500 PER YEAR in federal taxes to be married and we still won't get any benefits in Texas. I mean. That's a lot of money. That's like buy a car or go on vacation or the entire kids' college savings or get our heat fixed money.

But I still wish it was different. I with Marriage Equality meant Marriage Equality.

[JustSkipIt]

The kids have both been sick in the last week (Rachel too). Stuffy noses, fevers, sore throat. Blech all that shitty stuff. I've been well so far. And every mother hates for her kids to be sick or hurt. It comes with the territory.

But...

February of 2012 one of our friends (the whole family are friends) - the 10 year old was sick with cold or flu or whatever. And he was sick for a few days or a week and then he seemed better and his mom ran an errand. And she got home and he was feverish and delirious and she took him and the other 3 kids to the ER. In the ER his fever came down and she said she was so sorry he was alone and sick and he said it was ok and he loved her so much. And then he died. And the doctors cracked his chest and tried to restart his heart for over an hour. 2/22/2012. He was 10 and he died and no one knows why. No one knows the cause of death. And his birthday was yesterday.

And the truth is that every time my kids are sick I am fucking terrified. It's such a freak and random thing and what if it happens again?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I wish I could give up on my family. I never will because I love them, but sometimes I really wish I could, because it hurts. It hurts to love them and I wish I could stop caring. But I know I never will as long as I wish even more that they'd love and respect me the way I want them too. I want to give up because I know my stepmum will never stop being a fuckup who loves me one day and treats me like shit the next, who voices support then turns around and acts like I'll never do anything right. I want to give up because I know my 'sisters' will never invite me to their Sister Days or Sister Christmas, will never call me up just because or celebrate a birthday with me, will never invite me to come stay or to babysit. I want to give up because I will never have things to say to my father, because he will never see me the way I am or how far I've come, because he will never put faith in me the way he does his favourite stepdaughter. I want to give up because I will never fit in this family --even if I smoked and drank like they do, even if I worked my ass off to be 1/10 the musician my brother is, I'd still be the stepsister, the stepdaughter, the one who will never really be theirs. The one they'll never treat like they treat each other.

[wayland]

Home for Christmas isn't a phrase that usually resonates with me, but when your pilot sounds shaken on landing and then says he's never encountered such weather conditions in over 30 years of flying, I can honestly say I'm grateful to be home tonight.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I wish I could skip the holidays. I'm getting so pissed about it all I'm reaching the put of wishing I hadn't even come home.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes, I really don't give my dad enough credit for being a good guy. Today I got some bad news about my financial aid, and my dad offered to pay the difference, even though he's newly retired and can't really afford it. Because he's proud of me. I'm not close to him and really don't... show my gratitude well, with him, but it means a lot. I think some times I let our not-great relationship and my negative feelings from more than a decade ago get in the way of remembering that he really loves me.

[SickSadGirl]

I know I get myself into these situations. And being mature is all about confronting them head-on. I need to be able to assertively tell people how I feel and what I'm thinking. I know all of that. But I still don't want to do it. The only way I'll do it is if I can hold onto the thought that it will get worse if I don't. I wish I wasn't so afraid.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I realized tonight, definitively for the first time, that I can't do this again. I can't come home again, not like this. I'm in college, and I know I'm old for it, but I still face the same problems as a regular college student; dorms close, and I'm forced to pay money to stay alone on a deserted campus with nothing to do, or stay with my parents. And staying with my dad and stepmum is no longer an option. It wasn't an angry realization; there was no fight that came with it. But this doesn't work for any of us. I don't pull my weight when I'm here; I only clean a handful of dishes now and then rather than really doing my share, because I'm not comfortable here and though I'm not a guest I don't live here either and I don't know how to act. I don't buy my own food, cause my dad acts like he doesn't want me to, but then he seems faintly grieved when I ask for something from the store and I'm so hesitant to ask for anything that I eat the same food over and over and there's really enough to make a balanced meal. I don't know what my role is in this house, and I feel in the way. But more than anything, my stepmum believes it's inappropriate for me to come stay here for my whole breaks. She tells me she's proud of what I'm doing, going back to school and trying to finally achieve the career I've wanted for so long, but then doesn't want to do the one thing she can to support me, by letting me stay here when my dorms close. I do understand, mostly, but it still hurts. The truth is this isn't home, and I can't keep coming here. I don't know what the hell I'm going to do from now on, but I know I can't do this again.

[Finey_McFine]

My house was cleaner and I was much more productive...before I got an iPad.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I want someone, but I feel guilty about it because I don't only want someone for the sake of love and romance and all the other wonderful things that come with a relationship but also because I want children so desperately and it would be easier with a partner. Wanting a second mum for my kid(s) is only part of why I want someone, but it is a big part, and it feels sort of selfish, like I want someone for the convenience rather than for love.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I must be the most gullible person in the whole damn universe. Twice now someone I loved whom I thought cared for me, someone I thought I knew and could trust, has tricked and betrayed me, convinced me they cared then convinced me they died. Nearly two years I've grieved for a man I called brother, and it turns out it was all a lie. He's alive and chose to abandon the 3 of us, the people he supposedly loved; chances are nothing he ever told us was true. The fact that I let this happen again, believing someone who pretended to care and letting them get close, believing they died and truly grieving... I thought I'd learned my lesson the first time, but clearly I didn't. I don't know what to think or feel, but the fact the man I knew and loved was never really real changes so so much and I honestly cannot wrap my head around it. I feel like an idiot for letting this happen a second time, for being devastated once again over the fake death of someone who never existed as I thought. And I feel betrayed, not just by him but by the world.

[JustSkipIt]

I think my wife is slipping back into one of her deep depressions. Slipping. Jumping. Walking. Running. Falling.

And I hate it because I can't do anything to help her and because she doesn't want help and because I feel guilty. I feel like I should feel more compassion. But the horrible truth is that it's been years and she's not trying and I'm tired of it.

[wayland]

The Irish national broadcaster, RTE, just paid out substantial damages (taxpayers' money) to some fundamentalist Catholics because Panti, a drag artist and gay rights activist, described them on air as 'homophobic' for their opposition to legalising same sex marriages.

This is Panti's response:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WXayhUzWnl0



In a recent poll 76% of Irish people said they support gay marriage.


http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfre ... es-victims

[Laragh]

The Irish national broadcaster, RTE, just paid out substantial damages (taxpayers' money) to some fundamentalist Catholics because Panti, a drag artist and gay rights activist, described them on air as 'homophobic' for their opposition to legalising same sex marriages.

Although it should be noted, the payout was not court-ordered (so go away money as opposed to actual damages) and the the 'christians' that got their panties in a bunch refused a donation to a charity instead opting for the payout (about $105,000). They also censored the supposed 'defamation', which you can watch here.

Some quotes from the people who objected greatly to being called homophobes:

'This is really a kind of satire on marriage which is being conducted by the gay lobby,' Waters said. ‘It’s not that they want to get married; they want to destroy the institution of marriage because they’re envious of it;

‘This is really an attempt to discredit an institution, the nominative institution on which society and human civilization is founded. If you do that there will be consequences, and one of them is that marriage will become a nothing;

‘It is a deliberate sabotage of the culture and the relishing of the destruction as a result. Gay marriage is a satire…. But sometimes you have to allow things to happen for the consequences to become obvious...'

'Equality (for gay people) must take second place to the common good'

Even without all this context, the video wayland posted of Panti doing her thing is well worth a watch as a lesson in what homophobia really is.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

One of my dear friends just had her living situation fall apart; she's been living with 3 good friends for several months, and now that it's time to renew the lease they want her out. For no reason other than the one who shares a room with her wants the bedroom to herself-- not because she did anything wrong, or had any falling out with her friends, or is in any way a bad roommate (aside from not being extraverted enough to suit them). And I feel bad for her I really do... But I also feel happy because now in a couple months we can get a place together. She's like a little sister to me and she's the only friend I have here; the fact that she lived here was one of the reasons I picked this school, because I wanted to go somewhere I had someone I knew, but I really don't get to see her much cause we're both busy with school and she lives a few miles away and neither of us have cars. And now I have a pretty likely chance of living with her and actually getting to see her-- getting to have a social life that's more than the biweekly drama club meetings that keep getting canceled and hanging out with her once or twice a month. And I could not have to live in the dorms any more.

I have too many conflicting emotions, because I know she feels betrayed right now and that makes me sad for her, but then I feel happy for us living together, and then I feel guilty for feeling happy about something that makes her so sad. She says she wants to live with me and that it makes her feel a lot better about this shit with her roommates, but I know it hurts her (and I suspect she'd prefer to keep living with them given her choice) and I shouldn't feel happy about something that's causing her pain. But I can't help thinking about how nice it could be, to have a place that's not a dormroom and eat food I get to pick, and to come home to a friend instead of a girl I never speak to beyond "do you care if I turn out the light?" or "gesundheit" after a sneeze. She kept talking about how we could share books and and have tv marathons, and even if it's selfish I want that.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

When I find the girl who will run and dance with me in the rain, I'll have found the girl to marry.