A Moment of Truth

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes, I honestly wonder what I'm doing with my life, how and why I made the choices that led me to where I am. It's not even about being unhappy; even though I complain a lot, I don't hate my life. There are things I wish were different, but there's a lot of good stuff too, my mum and a couple of great friends and genuine enjoyment of who I am (which is worth so much after years of self-hatred). Questioning my life isn't about looking at the bad stuff in, it's about looking at what I'm working towards and at what I've given up for the sake of it.

I've wanted to be in healthcare since I was 15, and specifically a Nurse since I was 18. I'm 24 now and finally a Nursing student. It's supposed to be my dream coming true... So why do I feel this huge gaping hole inside me every time I think about the fact I'll never be a teacher again?
It's not that I don't want to be a Nurse; I think I'll be good at it and I know it will give me the stable income I need to be able to start a family which is what I've wanted for so long, and I sincerely hope that I will find the passion for the work that I long had for the dream of it. But the truth is, with the possible exceptions of the two women I truly loved and my closest family and friends, nothing has ever meant more to me than my work with children. The thought that I'll never again have a class of babies happy to see me when I come in each morning makes me want to cry.

I know I can get through Nursing school, but it's hard and it's not fun, and I'm worried when I get to the other side I'll still be wishing I was back in the land of hugs and laughter and naps and circle time and singing and dancing and loving. And then I'll be stuck choosing between the career I always wanted and will have worked so hard for and can actually make me a decent living, and the career I adore but could barely get by on even without the loans I'll have from Uni.

I'm finally working towards what I've always wanted and I can't stop, but this really big part of me that I can't bring myself to share with anyone wishes I had never started down this path and just stayed with the work I loved and was good at.

[writerfreak]

I have family going through a very rough time. Something I understand so incredibly deep but I'm just now feeling it from this side of the field. He's an addict of the worst sort, and most days he can't even get his vision to clear. He says his world is hazy all the time. It honestly hurts me to know that because while pills were never my own addiction.....hating myself was. I've done a lot of shit things, more than anyone could ever know and yes I'm truly sorry for them but I also know I can't change what I did. I can't even begin to make up for it....but I got through it. I look at myself in the mirror now, the comparisons to who I used to be and some of them are drastically similar. I still love softball almost more than anything, books are still my escape when things get too much....but I've also stopped projecting who I thought I should be, who I so desperately wanted to be and am not onto the world. I stopped being so angry at me, and therefore the world all the time. Seeing him this way, I realize the similarities of addiction. It doesn't matter the type of addiction, after so long you get used to the way you do things and you lose sight of who you really are and what you really want. Its all about needing a certain crutch to survive and I hated myself that being angry was my crutch. When I was angry nothing hurt, I could do things and pretend I had no conscience. And thats what he is doing, he's drowning everything that made him a great father, a great husband because something in him hurts and like me he wants not to feel and have a conscience. These days it isn't easy to do the right thing in this world, to feel the things you've done wrong and apologize for them. Most of all to forgive yourself for doing them and struggle everyday not to fall back into familiar routine. I've had a couple of years to put my pieces back together. I waited over a year to get involved with the woman now my wife and I'm glad I did. It gave me time to think and gather some clarity. Find out who I am again. I really wish and hope and even pray that he has the chance to get clear of it. To find himself. Because in the end its worth it to be able to look in the mirror and say yeah....I'm good now. I might be a little geeky and have put on a little weight along with the muscle but I'm still the good parts of me I was, and mixed with something better. Quirks and all. Never lose sight of who and what you are, and what you want out of life. The only thing you really 'need' to do is be happy.

If everyone I ever hurt could read find this website I would like to say I'm sorry, truly. And if you hurt me as well then I hope you know I forgave you years ago. I won't ask forgiveness of anyone though, because you forgiving me doesn't really matter. As long as I forgive me I'm going to be okay. Perhaps I should give people the link to this post so they know it.

writerfreak

[LouCy]

So why do I feel this huge gaping hole inside me every time I think about the fact I'll never be a teacher again?

I'm finally working towards what I've always wanted and I can't stop, but this really big part of me that I can't bring myself to share with anyone wishes I had never started down this path and just stayed with the work I loved and was good at.

Why will you never be a teacher again?
That's not even true, you can be a teacher throughout your whole life. I don't think being a teacher is only a profession, it's a personality, and if that is who you are then it can never truly be taken away from you.

Maybe you should think about what you're saying, you say [being a nurse] is what you've always wanted, but is it really? It sounds like what you want is to teach...
You deserve to be happy in your life, you deserve to do what makes you happy, not what you feel like you have to...

Being a nurse and being a teacher don't need to be exclusive, you can be both, you teach yourself, your children, your patients, your trainee nurses.

And if you love children, could you work as a Pediatric Nurse?

Just think hard about what you really love and what makes you want to get up in the morning, and what makes your heart sing...

I don't mean to make things difficult if you are struggling to commit to your decision but your heart will never be quiet and no matter how hard you try to stop it, it will always remind you what it really wants.
Please be happy, otherwise what's the point?
You want your children to do what they love, so why can't you?

-LouCy x

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Why will you never be a teacher again?
That's not even true, you can be a teacher throughout your whole life. I don't think being a teacher is only a profession, it's a personality, and if that is who you are then it can never truly be taken away from you.

Maybe you should think about what you're saying, you say [being a nurse] is what you've always wanted, but is it really? It sounds like what you want is to teach...
You deserve to be happy in your life, you deserve to do what makes you happy, not what you feel like you have to...

Being a nurse and being a teacher don't need to be exclusive, you can be both, you teach yourself, your children, your patients, your trainee nurses.

And if you love children, could you work as a Pediatric Nurse?

Just think hard about what you really love and what makes you want to get up in the morning, and what makes your heart sing...

I don't mean to make things difficult if you are struggling to commit to your decision but your heart will never be quiet and no matter how hard you try to stop it, it will always remind you what it really wants.
Please be happy, otherwise what's the point?
You want your children to do what they love, so why can't you?

-LouCy x

Thanks for you kind thoughts and suggestions LouCy. I guess I should clarify, it's not the act of teaching that I miss but the profession. Yes I can (and intend to) continue to teach, but it's very different from being a teacher. I miss having a classroom I go to every day, where I teach my kiddos and play with them and have all the wonderful things that really only come with early childhood education. My hope is to be a Neonatal Nurse, which I think I will like and be good at and will of course bring babies back into my life, but it's far far different from the career I left, and it's that work I miss.
What I mean by Nursing being what I've always wanted is that I fell in love with the idea at 15, and at 18 I started working towards it; but then I fell in love with working with kids, and for a while I thought that was all I ever wanted to do, but Nursing was still in the back of my mind as "the dream". I was happy with what I was doing so I put the dream to the back of my mind, but it never really went away, and at various points over the last 5 years it's come to the forefront of my mind again. This is the first time I've been properly on the path and I'm having doubts, but that doesn't change the fact it's what I've wanted for 9 years. There are only two things in the world I can imagine myself doing (as in, forever and happy with it), teaching and Nursing. There's nothing else I'd want to do, but I wonder if between the two I made the choice that's more logical rather than the one I love most. I hope that I will love Nursing like I once loved teaching; I always believed I would, but the pessimistic side of me thinks there can't possibly be two things out there I'm good at and love that much, and because teaching is what I already *know* I adore, it's very hard to be without it in this scary land of working towards something that might not make me nearly as happy.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I might get kicked out of my Nursing programme tomorrow. I've passed all my Masteries, most of them with 100%, and I have a 90 in my course--if I can get a 90 on the final I'll make an A, which is rare in Nursing. But there are two stupid technical issues that could keep me from officially entering the programme. I thought I was on top of things; I got my physical and my proof of immunization almost two months ago, but it was while I was home in Texas and on the trip back I lost the forms. I thought it didn't matter, but it turns out my school will only accept the original; I don't have it, and I've been hoping that I can get them to accept a copy mailed by my doctor's office that I might be able to convince them is an original. If not... well that's the first thing that could get me kicked out. The second is the fact that apparently I never noticed my doctor didn't mark that I was immunized for Hep B, even though he told me the titer I received would prove my immunization to everything on the form; I believe it was only an error that he didn't mark it, but it might not matter. I had a copy of the form faxed to the admin a week ago, but she didn't tell me until this afternoon that the Hep B was missing--and I didn't find the email until 11:30pm, which gives me exactly 0 time to do anything about it.
Two tiny errors that could ruin everything. And the most terrifying part is a tiny part of me wants it to happen. I could go back to Austin; I don't know where I'd live in the short-term, but I could be home and work with babies again and just... go back to the things I love. If my best friend finds a job in the area like she wants to, chances are I could live with her again. I shouldn't want that, moving back to the city I always try to move away from, going back to the career I loved but left. Most of me doesn't, because I still think Nursing will be the right move in the long run and because all the horrible uncertainty and sense of failure would be devastating, but there is part of me that wants the things I love and miss--home, my best friend, my family, and my work.

ETA: Looks like things are okay; still don't have everything fixed, but working on it. Despite my somewhat conflicted feelings, it's a huge relief!

[Objection]

The other day I exploded at my mother in law, not really yelling but definitely giving her a piece of my mind. I let out all the crap things she has been or is doing to her daughter.

I don't care what she says about me, I know she hates me, I know her "religion" tells her to hate me but what she says to and about her daughter made me blow up. I walked outside to cool down and when my fiancee came out to see me, she told me that her mom was in there crying and apologizing. I think I did it, I think I actually gave her that wake up slap that she needed.

And it felt good

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm generally not a very sexual person, but god I want sex. I don't do sex outside of relationships, and I seem incapable of even making friends much less anything more. Stupid fanfic making me horny.

[Pavlov'sBell]

My emotional scale is a freaking roller-coaster.

[writerfreak]

You're never told how difficult it is to be in a marriage where your spouse is away a lot. I never want to get in the way of her work, and wouldn't even if I could because it makes her happy but its hard sometimes. Knowing she's so far away and living her dreams and I'm here living mine. The day will come when she stops this particular aspect and we're always together, but it isn't now. Phone calls, text messages, Skype, Vent...they're forced to be enough for now but its not the warmth of the bed next to you being warm and waking up to that face you want to see everyday. The funniest part is....I'm not unhappy with it. I don't like it but I'm still happy. I'm happy for her, happy for us and all the love that we have. Happy because I know its me she's coming home to no matter where she goes. Its still just hard, though. I can't be there when she's had a bad day, or sick, or hurting. I've never really been a religious person before but she makes me believe in something more. I wouldn't trade any of this for the world. Possibly the universe. And honestly, its about time someone kicked my ass into gear about making all of my dreams come true rather than being afraid of them. She makes me want to be a better person. I hope she knows that with her, I am everything I thought I could be.

writerfreak

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I shouldn't miss her anymore, but I do. Not so often now, but it still hurts when I do. Watching the show she made me fall in love with, reaching the last couple of episodes I saw before we split up and I stopped watching, remembering how it felt each of those last 3 weeks when I hoped she would want to watch together but never did, it hurts. All my good memories with my first serious girlfriend have become just that-- good memories; I'm glad it happened even though it ended, and though I don't think about those times often they make me happy when I do. But with E... most of the time it still hurts to remember, because it still hurts that it's over. And I know it's mostly because I'm lonely, because I want someone who is to me what she was more than because I want her or exactly what we had, but it still hurts, not just because it hurts but because I hate that it's now been longer than the time we were together and I'm still not 100% over her. I know I was sad for a long time after my first ex, but I don't remember it hurting this much for this long. I want to be able to look back on what E and I had happily, like I do my memories with K, and just be happy that it happened and nothing more. I believe I will get there someday, but I wish it could be now...

[writerfreak]

I really really really want it to be the end of May. My wife will get to be in Ohio for the majority of the time rather than away so much even if its only for a few months until the school season returns. I just put her on a plane again because the weather is getting bad and she had to leave a day early. I love my life don't get me wrong, I honestly think that no matter what I lead a rather charmed one, but I miss her. I miss getting to make dinner together or sitting on the couch by the fire and ending up falling asleep, stuff like that. A lot of my friends think its boring that when she's home we don't go out much but its not. Its us. Neither of us are party types and while we do occasionally join them at a nightclub or for a dinner out its not really something we feel the need to do often. She's away so much that we just like the time to ourselves. I count the days until she's back home. Our bed seems too big, the house too silent. When she's here its always loud with music and dancing and laughter. Silence has never seemed so deafening. I still wouldn't trade it for anything though, the way our life has turned out. Its amazing.

writerfreak

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I don't know what to make of you right now. All I know is that I can't believe you're back in my life. You meant everything to me since day one. So much time has passed and you never stopped meaning something to me. I am happy to finally be able to create something with you. Eres lo máximo para mi y siempre lo serás.

[writerfreak]

My wife is so excited because the 100th episode of her favorite show is on and her favorite couple won the Peoples Choice poll. I love when she gets that look on her face. I have a feeling I'll be hearing about it for a while, because she's talking nonstop and I'd hear it more if she were away and I didn't watch. I don't even care though I really don't. She's home and we get to have this together. And even though she has to leave again in a few days she'll still be back next Monday and be here again. Her time away gets closer and closer to minimal, at least for the summer. She gets to spend more and more time home and we get to do all these wonderful things....I love it. I love my life. I sometimes honestly think it cannot possibly get any better. Normally by now I'd be knocking on wood hoping things don't go wrong but I don't even need to. I know without any doubts or fears that she loves me and we will spend the rest of our lives together. No matter how much she travels and no matter how much my job keeps me stationary...we are perfect. I honestly think having so much time away and then all the things we get to do when she's home is a good thing. It gives us a chance to miss each other but she's also home enough that she's reminded why she loves me too. We make that commitment every morning to make this marriage everything it is. Its the biggest blessing I have ever been given. This truly incredible life I lead, I wouldn't have it any other way and sometimes even though a lot of the past was all insane....it led me here. I might hate things I've done, I might regret a lot but it makes me who I am and she loves me....so its worth it. Every second. Having her....its the best thing in the world, bar none.

writerfreak

[Finey_McFine]

Here's the very moment when you realize you are not as young as you feel like you are in your head:

About a month ago one of my best friends in the entire world moved here. It's the first time since 1994 that he and I have lived in the same city. Back then we were in our mid 20's and a Saturday night out was leave for the club at 11pm and breakfast at 4am. We lived in Vegas, all nighters were frequent. So, what did we do last night? We grocery shopped. That's right, G-R-O-C-E-R-Y shopped.

Here's how our epic night went down:

G: What r u doing?
S: Getting ready to go to Sprouts for some veggies.
G: Really?!?!?! I'll be there in 10!!!!

When he got here I helped him change a headlight, then we shopped and were both tired so he headed home right after...AT 10:30pm!!! At that moment I think we both realized we're not 25 anymore.

[JustSkipIt]

I have two friends who i have wanted to set up for years. Right now. As of last week they are both single at the same time for the first time since I met the one I have known less long.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I have been extremely unmotivated school-wise the last week or so and I have no idea why. I'm never exactly a well-disciplined student, despite my good marks, but the last few days have been ridiculous. I can't seem to make myself care. I have a test in the morning, and if I do well it will be a miracle--and yet I still half-expect I will do well, because I never study enough and I always do well, but of course my not studying enough this time has been way more extreme than usual. I know I need to spend these last two hours of my night buckling down, and yet here I am. Because right in this moment I don't care. And I *need* to care; I have 5 weeks left in my current class, and 13 months left in my program. And I need to continue making A's as much as possible so I can get into a good Bachelor's programme after I graduate next year. So I need to get my arse in gear, but here I sit.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I just ran into the girl I've had labeled in my head for the last 6 or 7 months as 'my crush,' and we talked for nearly an hour and it was wonderful--but I never once felt the butterflies I used to get every time I saw her. It was fantastic to be able to just interact with her as friends (since I've known most of the time I've liked her that she's straight), to discover I'm over her. Much less fantastic is knowing that part of the reason why is I now get those fluttery feelings for someone else equally unattainable--maybe more so considering I 'know' her only online and she most likely lives far away.

I'd think after all the times I've fallen in love online I'd know better by now. Falling for a friend you know online is one thing, but I fell for someone I didn't know through the things she wrote once before and it was disastrous. Here I am again, and I don't even know which I want more, for this girl to like me back or for these feelings to just STOP. Because as much as I want to fall in love and have someone, I really do not want to love someone who doesn't love me back. (Not saying what I feel is anywhere near love, but I know myself and I fall hard and fast no matter how much I try to logic myself to slow down.) And I don't need to be falling for someone I don't actually know, falling for words on a computer screen that weren't even written for me.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I've come to the realization that when I get overwhelmed/stressed everything goes in a downward spiral. I start out with feeling overwhelmed which leads to the stress, the stress leads to me needing more downtime and/or sleep to feel functional, but spending more time sleeping and/or relaxing leaves me with even less time to get down everything I need to which of course increases my stress. It's a vicious cycle and I don't know how to stop it. I feel like there's a weight on my chest, and all I want to do is run away from it-- hide in fanfic or TV or a nap or a comfort book. I know it won't solve anything and I'm trying to resist, but when I tried to study I couldn't concentrate cause I just feel so anxious.

The worst part is, I felt fine an hour; overwhelmed and knowing it was going to be a stressful two weeks, but handling it and feeling like it was going to be okay. Then one thing (admittedly a potentially big one, but still only one) got added to my plate and now I feel like I can't handle any of this.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

Never before has a woman had all of me. What I mean is just that. Not that certain people didn't receive parts of me, but never the whole me. Finally now after so long am I able to give a woman who owns my mind, heart, body and soul. No one person has ever owned any such thing all at once. Not one person has ever had all of me this way. It was never going to happen with anyone who wasn't you. I have never been a half waiting to be made whole, but you complete me.

[writerfreak]

@BeneathMyWillowTree Yeah. Amazing isn't it? That feeling.

OT: Work is picking up for the summer and its exhausting. I get up before 6 am now and don't get home til like 5 pm. Ugh I'm so tired.

writerfreak

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My weekend was incredibly awesome (despite being half-sick by the end), but it made me really realize how much I miss living with my old roommates. Going on a trip with them was wonderful, but I miss having them in my regular life, and I feel more at home with them than with pretty much anyone--probably my mum and my best friend are the only people I'm more truly comfortable around. They *get me*. And they're fun and I love them and though I know it was far from perfect I miss my life when I lived with them.

I miss that year of my life when I lived with them, had a girl I loved--even if far away and complicated--, had a job I loved, and was reasonably happy with my life. I know I'm working towards something now that I've wanted for a long time, but I'm not happy with my life. I miss being happy, and my roommates were a huge part of why life was pretty darn good back then.

[JustSkipIt]

I am meeting my ex for lunch tomorrow and I'm pretty freaked out about it. I mean... initiated our becoming friends on Facebook and having this lunch but still. I haven't seen her in probably 17 years. We were together for 3.5 years until I married her, cheated on her, and left her within a year of the wedding. Like a schmuck.

So... anxious...

[writerfreak]

Sometimes I get sad about my life even though its amazing. Sad in a way that really seems trivial to me because in my head I know I have it all. Everything I wanted and dreamed of. In my heart, I wish I could shout it from every single rooftop. I see people getting married all the time and most of them don't even know that I'm a part of that group. I got married. My lovely wife, with the high profile job that keeps her rather closeted not for her own protection or fear, but for mine. Our marriage is not advertised not because of her, but because of what it could do to me. I love that people realize that I don't want a spotlight, I don't want a public eye, but sometimes I still wish I didn't have to be vague about who I am married to. I wish I could update my last name on certain things. A friend, someone I once considered to be family did that today. Got married, posted pictures, publicly claimed who she is proud to be now. I'm not saying I want to take out billboards or go on public television and jump on a couch or anything, but when someone asks why I am certain places I am sometimes....I want to point at her and say because that's my wife. Maybe, someday.

writerfreak

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I miss feeling like... I belong. Even when I had nowhere else in my life that felt right, I always had here; and okay, there were times when I left for personal reasons, but it was always about the board feeling painful. Only recently has it felt... empty. And yeah, I still post way too much, mostly because I like to vent and it feels more private than facebook where friends and family and classmates can see. But it's sad to realize the board doesn't *mean* anything to me anymore. It's been quite a while since I've felt like I had a place here, but it's only recently started to sink in. And I know I should probably leave while my wonderful memories of this place are still what I remember, but I've never been good at letting go.

It's been nearly half my life that I've had this place. At 13 it meant more than I can ever say. I guess I just miss that, what it meant to me back then and how safe and cared about it made me feel.

[T.G.I.F.]

A moment. Just a small moment in which a mistake is made. A mistake that cost more than 200 lives. Lives of people who were excited to finally go on their holiday after a year of hard work. People who were going to visit family members they hadn't seen in years. People who went to work like everyday to make sure the passengers had everything they needed, or get the plane to his destination. People who were ripped out of the sky in a single moment.

Never leave home without a kiss, a hug or saying what you thought could wait. Because in a moment, everything might change, and you're not coming home...

We mourn, and we remember. Passengers of flight MH17. Mothers, fathers, children, families but most of all persons. Each one with their own life, their own past, but without a future. We will never forget you.

[T.G.I.F.]

*double post*

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I have done things that I've regretted. What I realize I regretted them in that moment, but not for life. So in truth it's not real regret. It doesn't mean I don't care. It just means that the purpose behind certain decisions I've made throughout my life lead to this moment. To where I find myself today. When I sit and think about it I only regret two things in my life. In a life I've lived for 31 years soon to be 32. Those two things are real and hold significance because it has to do with my person. Although I've grown up since then and know better now. I just wish I would have known sooner so I would be on top today. It's never too late unless you truly believe it. If you don't then fight. Fight until you either have no fight left in you. Or where you can face yourself in the mirror and sleep at night.

[Finey_McFine]

That moment you realize that someone you considered one of your best friends for many, many years turns out to be a self entered, narcissistic, back stabbing son of a bitch.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

For nearly a decade I've known I wanted to be a mother, more surely than I've known much of anything about what I want. At first it was an I-want-someday, then it was an I-want-someday-in-not-too-many-years. Then it became an I-need. At any point in the last 6 and a half years, if you'd asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up I might have told you an early childhood educator or a nurse or a midwife, but the truest answer in all that time has been a mother. There are other things I want, but they are secondary, always.

But the truth is, I have a lot of fears about having kids. And I know it's normal to be afraid of parenthood, but one of my biggest fears is that it won't be enough. What if it's not enough to make me feel whole and driven and happy? What if it doesn't help me find purpose and belonging? Beyond anything else, I have it built up in my head that once I have my own child I'll stop aching for what I once thought might be, that I'll stop missing what I lost, but I'm scared I won't, scared that I'll still feel broken in ways I shouldn't.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

Is YOU! I knew it from the moment I met you. Like I knew it when we parted ways for so long. I know it now that I have you.