Gaydar Discussion Thread

[slowontheuptake]

The gay earing thing is for the right ear. I remember when my brother was going through his pubescent mullet wearing (I kid you not) phase he decided to get an earing. My dad used the maxim " Left is right and right is wrong" to advise him on the correct lobe. Lovely. It's also strange that I still remember that. It's possible my little ten year old gay heart was hurt and offended.

[aimbly]

well i've gotta say i never put mine into practice very often, but i did immediately believe this new girl in my tutorial was gay, or bi at least. I have no idea why, just subconcious feelings i got. When we'd gotten to know each other a bit more i asked if she knew i was gay- she basically laughed in my face and said i wasnt at all suprised! so there you go! I guess sometimes you can just tell!



on this field trip a girl spotted i was gay after i requested the bar man put buffy on the tv for me and i sat swooning over will and tara! I got this tap on my shoulder and: "OMG aimee are you gay?!" mehehe



when i came out (well strictly speaking i was brought out by my mum asking if karen was my g/f - she'd seen us cuddling on my bed! hehe) anyway....my sister told me she'd known i was since i was about 7! eek! just wished she''d of let me in on this knowledge sooner!

[agave tequilana]

I have lots of problems with my gaydar.. Mine's like an 'everythingsgaydar' So I really need a straightdar more than a gaydar, or I just need to tone my gaydar down like a bazillion notches.



With the signs though.. A recent one would be eyebrow piercings. I've heard that if you have it in the right eyebrow, you're gay, but if it's in the left you're not.. But then I've heard that it only applies to men that way and that chicks straight brow is the right one. I'm all confoozled and such.. I have two in the right, and one in the left, so I don't know what the hell's going on with how I look. I'm sending mixed signals and everything.. no wonder I'm single.



Gay chicks think I'm straight for some reason, and everyone else thinks I'm gay.. and I'm far too shy to say "Oh, no I'm really gay!! REALLY!" to the chicks, but when it comes to denying my gayness to the others, I'm all about the "NOPE! Not me!" crap. It just comes out before I can help it. Grr.



Ahem, anyways. Back to the gaydar discussion. Just thought I'd put my 2 cents in, but it somehow turned into like 50 cents, so I'll just be shutting up.

[missspangles]

Hmmmm. So the right ear is it? It's weird that people think that only applies to gay men? Why not gay women I wonder? But thanks everyone, I'm so ignorant of these things sometimes!

[Hanki]

the tatoo suggestion sounded good... something like "Gay Now!" across my forehead would probably be the safest bet right?

~ Han ~
"...cuz i shove a hanki down my trousers..." ~ Rachael Stirling

[twink]

i've been following this for a bit and thought i'd actually drop a note in here.



i think the same "ruling" applies for women as it does men for the earring thing (for what i've heard)...i've definately heard the "left is right, and rt is wrong." i had to explain that to my dad once. he still can't figure it out. half the time he doesn't even know which hand is his right and which is his left...that dislexic thing strikes again, so i don't think it really matters.



as a side note to readers...the pinky ring thing...there are specific engineering schools that have a ring ceremony before you graduate and you get a stainless steel pinky ring. (or some other type of metal, depending upon the school) this goes on the hand that you write with. (typically right, sorry to all those south paws!) the thing is when you shake hands you'll hear the rings hit and realize it's another engineer. or so the theory goes. like engineers need a ring to find each other? all you gotta do is tell a nerdy joke and see who laughs/ and or disputes it!



so there's some more food for thought so to speak.



so i'm debating if i've got the gaydar thing going on or not. i mean i get what feels like all the hairs on the back of my neck stand up tingle-y feeling when i run in to particular chicks. it's really weird. about half of them i know are either gay or bi. so i'm thinking that's just how i "feel" it. i'm so dam shy i'd never say anything. i was confonted by one of them...suprisingly enough i didn't deny that little crush i had at all. (nothing came about b/c of it to my dismay) if anybody else asks...i've got the standard issue..."surely you jest" ready. b/c i'm thinkin perhaps i haven't met the right guy...i find beauty in both of the human forms. so i'm pretty much open to someone (m or f) that'll love me for me--ya know?



looks like i'm rambling here...i better go sniff around the other parts of the kitten.

"You know what's weird?"-- Willow
"Japanese commercials are weird."--Tara

[Arafel the Witch]

That's really strange to me. My best friend Sue, the woman who was my maid of honor, and I say "I love you" to each other a lot, but we really mean it. I don't say it to someone unless I mean it; if you do, it cheapens the words. Sue and I are extremely close and we talk on the phone at least once a week, even though we live 2000 miles apart now; I miss her terribly and wish I could see her more often. I have a few other friends I say "I love you" to, but it always means something.

[stillflygrlop]

Well, the reason why I make it sound so casual is that in the context of our conversations, it's meant to be taken lightly. Of course, we are very good friends, but lately I've become confused about her. First of all, she's a very flirtatious person, and "hits" on both guys and girls (although since all the girls are her close friends, no one thinks much about it). She's had boyfriends, so her sexuality isn't exactly questioned either.



The thing that started to make me wonder was one of our conversations. I don't remember the whole thing, but basically she was making racy remarks about me and, as usual, I played along and humoured her. Sometime in the middle, though, she sighed and asked me why I put up with her, to which I responded, "cause I know you're just joking." But then she asked me what I would do if she wasn't, and I said I didn't know since I've never been in that sort of position (where a girl hit on me).



I mean, I don't know if she was trying to tell me something or not. It seems like she was, but based on her personality, it was more like curiosity. In all honesty, I was about to say something revealing when she asked what I'd do if another girl hit on me, but I bailed at the last minute.



So...does anyone think she's bi? Or is this another one of those nonexistent signs that I keep wanting to interpret?

[daddykat]

I've never worried about picking up on anyone's sexual vibes. I'm a straight guy so I'm not looking for other men and I've never been approached anyway. As for women, when I was single and looking, straight women were more often not interestded than they were, so being turned down is something I'm used to, not an embarrassment, so I don't worry about approaching the "wrong" woman, I figure she can say "no" like anyone else.

But it's a weird thing; I'd say, 4 out of 5 times when I'm TOLD someone I already know is gay, it doesn't surprise me. Usually, insofar as I thought about it at all (and it's just not a thing I bother thinking about much) he or she had struck me that way already. The oddest part, my estranged wife, who's known a lot more gay people personally than I have, is surprised to find out more than half the time.

"Summer Gold and Autumn Red Forever !"

[xita]

daddykat said,

Quote:

---

so I don't worry about approaching the "wrong" woman, I figure she can say "no" like anyone else.

---

daddykat, that's the thing about straight privilege, you can afford to do that. For gay people it could mean their lives or a good beating.

-------------------------------

Buffy?

Let's change it, the Discovery channel has koala bears.

Edited by: xita  at: 11/7/02 10:11:59 pm

[missspangles]

It's so sad but true. This is a little off-topic but I personally never had any problems with being gay as a teenager of whatever...I never thought it was wrong or anything...my only worry was how other people would treat me/perceive me...And it's so sad that there even has to be such a thing as gaydar, in that we can't just go up to someone we think is cool and interesting and ask them out because yeah, they might turn on us because we "dare" to think they could be gay...So i guess gaydar can be funny but it's also really important...wish it wasn't the case though..

[Cipher]

Quote:

---

Originally posted by slowontheuptake

The gay earing thing is for the right ear. I remember when my brother was going through his pubescent mullet wearing (I kid you not) phase he decided to get an earing. My dad used the maxim " Left is right and right is wrong" to advise him on the correct lobe. Lovely. It's also strange that I still remember that. It's possible my little ten year old gay heart was hurt and offended.

---

The most definitive explanation I've heard about all this is that the "gay earring" thing is really a mis-interpretation of a top/bottom (dominant/submissive) signal convention (possibly originating in gay sex clubs, though most signals were not specifically gay at all): the left side for top/dominant and the right side for bottom/submissive. Since macho straight culture considers a submissive guy to be "gay" the mistaken assumption is that a right-earring on a guy means he's gay while a left-earring is just a "cool, macho" thing. Because of homophobia and other macho crap about gender roles, most straight guys wouldn't have a right-earring and risk being mis-identified as "gay"--even if they don't believe in that crap themselves they'd still be harassed by people who do. So a right-earring on a straight guy is a lot less common, though I'm sure there are some.



It's less of an issue for girls because they typically pierce both ears. Presumably an "extra" piercing on just one side would be taken as the same kind of signal, except that straight women would be expected to be submissive while "gay" women would be sterotypically butch and therefore agressive and dominant, so perhaps the sides would be reversed in the general mis-interpretation (except there'd be a confusion because some people might think right = "gay", further complicating things).



I think this was related to the "bandana code" where different colored bandanas worn in different places indicated different interests and left/right meant giving/receiving, top/bottom, dominant/submissive, etc as a way for people to find others with compatible interests. I once heard many of the details, but the left/right rule is the only detail I remember. I'm not sure if there were any signals for gender interest in general (ie. straight/gay/bi) or whether it was implied by the location (eg. a gay club vs. a straight club). This may have been the origin of the left/right convention for single earrings, too.

[twink]

never heard anything about bandanas other than the relationship to gangs. color coding & folding patterns for specific gang affiliations.

"You know what's weird?"-- Willow
"Japanese commercials are weird."--Tara

[missspangles]

Hey Cipher, thanks so much for posting that! I love gay and lesbian history, wish i could take a course in it! Maybe my university will add a course in the future.. Anyway, I do actually know a girl who's got an extra piercing in her right ear (ie. both her ears are pierced with single studs and she's got an extra one in the right ear) but who knows what that means...maybe I should just ask!

[daddykat]

yeah; as a certain Frenchman once said, hell is other people. And as long as so many seem dead set upon proving that on the faces and bodies of others, we've all got a ways to go.

[La]

well, RE the whole women with multiple piercings thing. The majority of women I've seen with more piercings in one ear than the other have more in the left ear. i do (7 in the left, 4 in the right), but I don't know if it means anything or if it's just sort of common that way. i just like being asymmetrical.

~La



Our bodies are on loan from chaos; the integrity of our selves is but a fleeting moment between womb and tomb.

~David Gordon White

[aimbly]

Bandana wearing. umm, well ive not heard of that one, however it does make MUCH more sense than the Bananna code which i read it as!!



hehe, personally i tend to wear a yellow bannana to the left. lol

[Manda WT]

delurking...



Hi All!



I'm going to discribe someone, let me know if this person would tip your gaydar...



Shortish dark hair, never longer than shoulder length, think Ellen's only a little longer. Work dress: plain shirts, pants, comfortable shoes, Aerosoles, Easy Spirit. Reg dress: jeans, loose fit, reg t-shirt or sweat shirt, sneakers. Athletic, plays on work softball team and volleyball team. Outdoors-y, was a camp director, very much the tom-boy, no make-up.



I don't mean to steretype at all, I'm just asking if you saw this person, what would be your initial reaction?



After I get some answers, if I do, I tell you the things about her that confuse me, tip my gaydar the other way, only a few things, but they are there.



Manda

"Can't you just be kissing me now?" Tara

[slayer747]

manda,



i'd say girljock... we really can't say. however,most girljock's are bi... just like many girls.



i have developed a motto: DON'T ASSUME ANYTHING.

it works wonders.

part of forever is better than none

[elessar007]

I was just reading through some old posts and found this thread to be very interesting. My gaydar has never been that reliable. In the long run, it has been a benefit. It has forced me to approach other people with fewer preconceptions. I strongly believe that this lack of preconceived notions has enabled me to form friendships that are better rooted in honesty and trust. When interacting with someone, I couldn't fall back on assumptions that were made because my 'gaydar' went off.

On an intellectual or theoretical level, I can understand some of the benefits you could derive from a well-functioning gaydar but I'm happy mine doesn't work. I guess that's my way of making lemonade out of lemons.

Hey, Will. This is me. It doesn't all have to be 'good' and 'fine.' This is the room where you don't have to be brave and I still love you.

---

My website: elessar's Willow & Tara Wallpaper

Name my website: Click for details

[xita]

Yeah the gaydar thing is really helpful for some of us who are gay and are looking for friends and lovers of the same inclination. I think I have mentioned it before in this thread, if you approach the wrong person they can kill you. And we can't always meet at the gay bar.

-----------------------------------

En un mundo de ilusión yo estaba desahuciado, yo estaba abandonado.

Vivía sin sentido, pero llegaste tú. -
Mana

[urnofosiris]

Quote:

---

I strongly believe that this lack of preconceived notions has enabled me to form friendships that are better rooted in honesty and trust. When interacting with someone, I couldn't fall back on assumptions that were made because my 'gaydar' went off.

---

I'm not sure I quite understand this, do you think having a gaydar could hinder others in forming trusting and honest relationships, whether they be of a romantic nature or platonic, or would perceiving a person's sexual orientation just hinder you in this regard?



Anyway, like Xita said having a well tuned gaydar is rather important when you are gay (or bi) instead of heterosexual. The chances of encountering a homophobe (in varying degrees of severity) are probably greater than the chances of encountering a homosexual, with possible devastating consequences. Of course I haven't made a scientific study to confirm this, it's just an assumption, I could be wrong, but that hasn't been determined either as far as I know. Unfortunately scientific studies into the nature of homophobia don't seem to be as popular as the studies into homosexuality. Odd considering that homosexuality wouldn't be a 'problem' if not for homophobia.



Very very bad typing day. Bleh.

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Coffee, Food, Kisses and Gay Love........Get it while you are hot

Edited by: DrG at: 3/5/03 9:20:20 am

[concrete]

I don’t know how to highlight specific quotes but I’m referring to the non-studies of homophobia. An interesting subject, so thanks for bringing that up, G.! A little googling brought me to this site and after I read it, I had trouble stifling a little snigger Well, well, who’da thunk? As for my own gaydar; yeah, I definitely have a fine functioning one and this can work to one’s advantage! As for having encounters with the ‘wrong’ people, my personal opinion is that that would be primarily a danger for gay men, I mean, in general, women (straight women as well as lesbians) are not so easily prone to physical violence and are more often than not even flattered when approached (but that could also be because I’m simply irresistible )

Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Even though the sound of it is something quite atrocious. ...

[urnofosiris]

I'm willing to testify that you are dear.

As for that study, I've read that report before. It is sorta amusing, but when you look at it another way it sort of isn't. You could say it suggests that homophobes are latent homosexuals, sort of like you only have yourself to blame. (yeah I'm stretching it, I'm sure they didn't intend anything negative by this, but that is what it feels like, like nice straight people wouldn't be homophobes). Even if the other explanation for these results such as anxiety or anger are ruled out, it still doesn't answer why some people fear or hate or are angry towards gay people, and no answer as to why those feelings are perpetuated and encouraged by others. I'm not sure if those questions can ever be answered really, but I think they warrant more resources than finding the 'cause' for gayness has gotten. Did you find any other studies? I am too lazy to look now. It's bedtime for me, heh.

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Coffee, Food, Kisses and Gay Love........Get it while you are hot

Edited by: DrG at: 3/5/03 12:56:57 pm

[elessar007]

I'm glad you saw exactly where I was coming from, Xita. I said that I understood the benefits of gaydar on an intellectual or theoretical level because I haven't had to face the problems you cited. It wasn't hard to find straight friends or potential lovers. I didn't have to worry that someone may kill me simply because I approached them. As terrible as it sounds, I know you are right. I wasn't denying gaydar's usefulness. I was trying to find a silver lining to the cloud that is my lack of gaydar.



I'm sorry DrG if I wasn't clear. I wasn't making any generalizations. I was talking about my personal experience with gaydar. I was trying to find the good in my lack of a well-functioning gaydar. I was looking for the upside in one of my deficiencies. I don't know if having a gaydar would hinder other people in forming trusting and honest relationships. I can only speak about my own experiences. I'll never know how things would have turned out if gaydar worked for me. I can only say that it could have been a hindrance to forming trusting and honest relationships, both platonic and romantic. Not necessarily so, but it could have been a hindrance for me. But like I said, I'll never know.

Hey, Will. This is me. It doesn't all have to be 'good' and 'fine.' This is the room where you don't have to be brave and I still love you.

---

My website: elessar's Willow & Tara Wallpaper

Name my website: Click for details

[Twisted Minstrel]

I'm utterly new to this topic, so please don't hurt me.



In my 15 or so shaky years of personal sexual conflict, now in my very early thirties, comfortable with my bisexual nature in a way I never was in my 20s, I must ask - is this gaydar thing a genetic trait or a learned trait? If so, I have neither. Only if someone is holding up a sign that says *GAY* written all over it, have I ever been able to locate another gay person (without actuallly visiting the local HappyFeet Saloon), by looks alone.



I realize there are stereotypes out there. I realize there are those who fall in between the cracks; there are those you never know about. Hearing tales of 'signals' and body decorations as gay insignia or some form of ID branding is almost hysterical. Here I thought it was about fashion and following the crowd. I don't know how many potential partners or friends I've passed up over the years simply because I dislike excessive body armor and buzz haircuts.



There something in me that just wants to rattle the cage a little and say NO F***ING LABELS! But that's not the world we live in. People do get hurt, they are physically attacked and their families torn apart. I don't know what it is that changes people's minds and hearts from one set of ideas to another. Constant visibility in numbers has been the historical standard. If you stand out enough, long enough, pretty soon, you become the norm.



How many gay icons have become the norm in 'straight' society? Are we getting through? Is it about 'blending in?' Or simply tearing down the norms to rebuild them in our image? And what is that, exactly?



I'm only asking questions, and exploring, like anyone else and I find the whole thing fascinating. Are we perpetuating our own stereotypes or passing into some other phase? Personally, I never wanted to fit in and I like fumbling around in the dark - never know what you're going to find. I'll take my chances, too, but I wouldn't ask anyone else to do the same. I'm wondering how many straight girls experience a rape in their lifetime they never report to anyone? The murder of Matthew Shephard made international headlines. What does this say about us? Wrong is wrong, but the prediliction toward the sensational, the grotesque and the unknown is the obsession of the worst stereotype of all: ignorance. I don't need a gaydar to hone in on that one.

[Paigeosity]

I have no gaydar at all.



My trick is to subtly bring up lesbian things and see if they take. I mean if there totally grossed out either there in extreme denial or actually think gay is gross. I don't advise this unless you at least kinda know the person. Also pay attention to whether they talk about boys all the time or just enough to seem straight (I do this boy talk thing and it keeps my family and friends out of my hair). I have tried it a couple of times but it was inconclusive (I just used a 'Willow' word). I always get crushes on my friends and it becomes 'wishful thinking' over actual gay vibes. So I'm pretty sure it exists I just need to borrow some.



Listening help the girls in my school are pretty open when there not closeted. They just kinda say it. Sadley I am not friends with any of them. ( They were hot too ) So just be observant.

[Penrose Orleans]

Sadly enough, I don't trust my sense of 'gaydar' to be anything more than 65% wishful thinking, either... it's always easier at college, which makes me very happy to be where I am, but I'm also scared that I won;t learn what I need to know for a future of gayness in the real world (imagine that-- college not preparing you for life! ). Thanks to everyone who's contributed in this thread-- it's good to know I'm not the only one who's gaydar-blind! --Nora

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BRAIN: "I must undo the damage I've done and repair your broken spirit."

PINKY: "Will it involve power tools?"

[slayer747]

i agree. in college it's quite easier to try to figure out who's gay or not.



anyway, i think it is 70% for me though. i usually check out how she walks or looks at other women. that's my initial clue, so to speak.

part of forever is better than none

[Willster]

If I have a gaydar, I think it's broken...!!



Everytime i suspect someone, something happen to make me change my mind... Confusing!!



Is it possible that intuitive people have stronger gaydar?