Coming Out Thread

[bear]

At the age of 16 I told my brother in law's 18 y.o brother that I was bisexual, he then let it slip to his parent's
The next thing I knew they were on the phone to my sister & her husband demanding they never again leave me alone with my young neice and nephew
I was told that I should go to a psychiatrist & get him to fix me
It was bad enough thinking, how can I like men? when I like car's, action movie's, I watch rugby and why do I still fancey women?
Without this extra grief from my family as well
So I made out it was all some stupid teenage joke

I finally told my mum that I was bisexual when I was 18, and she was great about it
Mum stood up to the rest of my family for me and she helped me to feel comfortable with my feeling's for both men & women!
The only problem was her "I wish you would find yourself a nice girl, settle down, have kid's and be happy" line then carried the addition "or a nice young man it dosn't matter which"

Becoz of this I am very careful who I tell & only a few of my more open minded friend's know about my sexuality

[taraslove]

I'm in the middle of it now. I've come out to everyone that I knew would be accepting and supportive (about five people, total). Those people were so great, I just can't even say. I'm so happy that I can truly be myself around a few people. It feels good. (I also have several extremely good friends that I've made here who've been so wonderful to help and give advice and support and friendship. I'm so thankful for that.)

Everyone else in my life is going to over-react and try to "save" me. I live in the bible belt, and most of my friends and family are extremely against homosexuality. I'm predicting that I'm going to lose about 75% of the people in my life over the next year. (I think my parents have always known and have tried to keep me from it, but they're still going to flip when I talk to them about it. They're incredibly fearful, close-minded Republicans who would rather ostracize than try to understand. It's actually going to be a why-are-you-doing-this-to-us conversation. So, buckle up, me!)

I'm mostly looking for a way to build a support network of accepting friends right now - which, let me tell you, is incredibly difficult in the SE. I live alone, feel pretty isolated most of the time, and have consequently been moved to post here. It's slow going, but I'm at the point in my life where I'm finally ready to pursue my own happiness. It's scary - but such a good place to be.

[Zooeys_Bridge]

Re: taraslove

It's slow going, but I'm at the point in my life where I'm finally ready to pursue my own happiness. It's scary - but such a good place to be.

*beams*

You'll win the race, one day, I promise. Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a poodle in my eye.

*hug*

[taraslove]

Stick a poodle in your eye? Are you *asking* me to stick a poodle in your eye?


Here's an update on the coming out sitch. I was walking through the lobby at work today and was thinking about my life. And I couldn't help it: I had to smile this huge smile. I thought, "I'm a lesbian," and just grinned ear to ear with the thrill of it all.

I'm proud of the person I am and am so excited to live my life. I know things will be hard but I'm looking forward to the challenge.

I've seen things in myself these past few months that I've hated, and I've been able to examine them and work on changing them. And that's such a fantastic place to be.

Don't know, just felt like sharing. Anyone who's struggling with coming out... hang in there. Concentrate on being a person that you can look in the mirror and say, "Golly. I sure am happy to be myself." The hard parts about coming out will take care of themselves, and you'll be able to look back one day and see how strong you were. How much you had in you that you didn't know you had.

It's fucking exciting!

[willntarra4eva]

Very true!

In the end all you can really do is stick in there and see where things take you. I know that over time being a lesbian has brought so much to my life and Ive never been happier. Accepting who you are and embracing it is the best feeling and once your there you will never want to look back.

[JustSkipIt]

I'm proud of the person I am and am so excited to live my life. I know things will be hard but I'm looking forward to the challenge.

That's really beautiful. I know that you're probably right about losing your relationship with people in your life. At the same time, you may get some awesome surprises. My grandparents were devoutly religious people. My grandfather was what would be analogous to the highest deacon in a church at his temple and literally was at Temple every day at 6:00 for many many years. From the time I was 11 or 12 he was my most frequent correspondent and we wrote letters at least once a week. When I was about 21, one day he started his letter:

"Dear Debra and Jan (I assume her to be your partner so I've decided to address my letters to both of you)..." He was right and I was shocked. We actually stayed at my grandparents's house for our honeymoon a year later.

My point is: some people will surprise you in a good way and some in a bad way and you will still be the wonderful person you are and that will be worth every surprise and then some.

[Dorothy]

My experience is that the people who surprise you in a bad way aren't even worth being bothered about. If they are, the'll turn around after the initial being-freaked-out-ishness.

can still be hard to shrug off though, specially if you used to think they meant something.

[Casey]

So, I've pretty much known I was a lesbian since I was 12 or 13. That was the first time that I was attracted to anyone...and it just happened to be a female someone. I'm 17 now and I told my best friend a couple of months ago and she was freaked out at first, but eventually got over it and now things are good again. But in the time that things were still weird between us I was really upset and my mom wouldn't leave me alone until I told her what was wrong. I told her the truth and despite the fact that she always said that she wouldn't care if I was gay and all that she accused me of only coming out for attention and said that it was just a phase and whatnot. Well, it's been a while and I still haven't said anything to anyone else...I'm afraid of what they'll say if my own mother couldn't even take me seriously. And what if I meet a guy that I really like and realize that maybe I'm not gay (...I really doubt that but you never know...) and then my mom will probably never let go of the fact that I said that I think I'm gay.

[Tara the Phoenix]

I came out to my parents on Friday night.

I had been wanting to do it for ages, but thought the timing was wrong. I left my husband of six years in February because I realized that I was gay. I was doing both of us a disservice. I told him that he would be happier without me, and I knew I could no longer live in a lie. Our divorce will take a year to be final - so I was going to wait until February before coming out to anyone. I didn't want it muddying up the already murky waters.

But in August I came out to my best friend. I should have known I couldn't keep anything from her. Her love and support at that time meant the world to me.

I needed it. I still wasn't brave. It was coming, but not yet. The strength inside me had been building all this time, a little ball of incandescent truth growing inside me. Even though everything in my life changed at once, no husband, new town, new job, new home, everything was uprooted except for the one fact that kept me going: I was gay, and it's okay.

I'm a Mormon. I used to think I couldn't be gay and Mormon at the same time. I almost expected God to smite me, turn His back on me, wash His hands of me forever.

Instead I was blessed with work, with coworkers who genuinely care for me, with friends who support me, with better health than in ten years, with money and travel and creativity overflowing.

God never abandoned me. I am blessed.

I was on the east coast all this week, on business. In Boston, at MIT for a few days, then two days vacation in Maine, then two more days in Ottawa for another conference. A series of epiphanies, one after the other, illuminating my future.

At the administrative professionals conference in Ottawa, I was blessed to hear an amazing speaker named Ann Max. From her I learned that we have to forget about what others think, and be prepared to give up relationships in the pursuit of happiness. We have to stop trying to please others and give permission to please ourselves. We have to face our fears, because what is the worst that can happen?

So I contemplated the worst. It would be my family throwing me out, and choosing never to associate with me again. I looked at it, and decided I could live with it. The truth would sustain me.

I've never kissed a girl. I've never had a girlfriend. There is no way I can know for certain I am gay, except for this quiet, pulsing truth in my heart.

I was reminded of the movie V for Vendetta. Our integrity sells for so little, but it is the very last inch of us. Life can take everything except that inch. "For three years I had roses, and apologized to no one."

I arrived home from my flight at nearly 11 in the evening on Friday night. I was staying at my parents house for the night, because they lived near the airport. There was no way I could wait any longer, so I finally told them the truth. I left my husband, my temple marriage, and my old life because a year and a half ago I realized I was gay.

They were quiet for a moment, and then my dad said he was not very surprised. We didn't speak overly much of it, and went to bed on cordial terms. In the morning we had breakfast and we didn't speak of it again.

I feel a great weight lifted from me.

I have come out to eight people so far, and all of them have accepted it. They all still love me.

I am blessed.

I know it's not the same for everyone, how could it be? The brave may not live forever, but the timid do not live at all.

I'm nearly thirty two years old. I could get mad at myself, wonder why it took me so long to figure things out. What matters is here and now. My future has never looked so bright.

My name is Jen Hill, and I am gay.

And it's okay.

[jasmydae]

That's so beautiful. *teardrop*

[Zooeys_Bridge]

Wow, you weren't kidding when you said "now's the time".

You did an astounding thing, you turned yourself inside out. It's a nauseating experience because who knows? Who can truly know how it will be received? It's a gamble, a risk of the highest order, one that costs us nothing less than a few yards of the fabric of our family-our past, and it's tenuous relationship with the future.

But more than that, there is ourselves. And sometimes it bursts with shining truth despite anything. There is no choice but ourselves. And it is beautiful.

You are beautiful. You did it. You know. And you live.

Now, Phoenix, you are truly reborn. Welcome to the world you wonderful creature, you.

[taraslove]

Now I'm all teary.

And cheering wildly for you!

YAY, JEN!!!!!!!!

I'm so super proud of you. So so soooooo happy for you. It's not an easy thing, and you did it!

The brave may not live forever, but the timid do not live at all.

I LOVE that. Wow. So incredibly beautiful.

Thank you for sharing, Jen.

[Knock yourself out]

Wow - that was beautiful.

Your nickname does seem very appropriate at this moment.

[Zampsa1975]

Wow! Big yay for you Jen the Phoenix!

[masterjendu]

From the ashes, indeed! Welcome to your new life, Jen! I'm so proud of you! The added dimension of religion and the fear of disappointing your God is a struggle I could not even imagine (and was sad I couldn't really help you with). Did I mention how proud I am of you? It has truly been a pleasure to witness this transformation in you. Not that you've changed all that much, but have just become a purer, unfettered version of yourself. Robed in truth, shall we say! Your future is bright, indeed.

Time to hit the lesbian bar just down the street from your new apartment, yeah? ;D


___
Incidentally, because you know how much I love themes and symbolism, I am loving the connection you've made between Guy Fawkes (the emulated 'hero' of V for Vendetta) and the Phoenix (Dumbledore's Phoenix is named Fawkes)! You rock, my friend!

[Willowtree252]

I have a large lump and cant speak I am so very happy for you Jen I am proud of you also your out look on life is deeply felt and pure we can all learn alot from your lead.

[JustSkipIt]

Jen,
Well, first off congratulations on your discovery and your revelation of it. It's a really incredible experience to be able to share your truth with those who are important to you and feel love and acceptance for it. It would seem that you have found that or close to it from the first 8 people you've come out to (and obviously that doesn't include the Kittens who, something tells me have been unilaterally accepting).

You said a lot of really awesome stuff here but the one that really resonates for me was this:

I'm nearly thirty two years old. I could get mad at myself, wonder why it took me so long to figure things out. What matters is here and now. My future has never looked so bright.

My mother was over 50 when she came out. She had been through a series of real losers in boyfriends with my father being probably the best of that bunch and that's saying something. She died just before her 64th birthday and I don't ever remember hearing her regret her path. At the end she had the love and devotion of a wonderful woman and once she had found her, time really didn't matter. I was proud to hold my mother's hand along with her partner that whole night and I can't imagine a couple that could love each other more.

I feel like I'm off topic but my point is that you can't regret time because you'll arrive where you're supposed to. It's like catching a flight somewhere. You can get up early and show up at the airport really early but you'll just be sitting in a hard plastic chair as you wait hours for your flight. You have a purpose in life and always have. Your path takes you the right place and the right time always.

Congratulations to a true Phoenix.

[Gatito Grande]

Heh: I'm almost 47, and still coming out!

And on that front: right after the election (in the context of my bitterness over the passage of Prop H8), I came out to an old friend of mine. A former roommate, in fact (though I wasn't out to myself at the time we lived together).

We've known each other for over 25 years, yet I honestly didn't know how she would feel (she's sent me mixed signals re gay issues, over the years).

But anyway, I came out.

And we're cool.

GG Plus, I found out she voted AGAINST Prop H8! Out

[Willowtree252]

My Father is in town from Mississippi ,,,,,,,,,,,Him, Megan and Robbie are coming for dessert and coffee who would have of ever thought....on the other hand how could they not like Sandi? With out a doubt they all see how damn happy she makes me so yay for us and for them opening there closed minds. I truly do have a family.

[nicola]

Today I emailed a couple of close friends who I am already out to and have been for 5 years, yet I still feel unable to talk about my sexuality in any way. Today I mentioned in a throw away comment that I watched The Mummy last night and thought that Rachel Weiz was exactly the kind of girl I want to marry. I feel ridiculously proud! It sounds so silly, but I never speak about myself in this way. I act asexual even with friends who know I'm bi, who I know don't give two hoots who I fancy as long as I'm happy. Something stops me from speaking freely. I want this to change. I'm hoping the more I start to talk about myself with the people who already know, the more comfortable I'll feel talking about myself with people that don't know. The more comfortable I'll feel full stop.

Tara the Pheonix-your post was so beautiful! This whole business is so hard when religion comes into it. That is so wonderful how things have worked out for you!

For myself, I was really surprised by my Nana over the summer. She died in September of cancer, but before that we as a family got to spend some time at her bedside in the hospital. My Nana was born and bred in the Welsh Brethren-a narrow fundamentalist, Christian sect and fully involved till her death. I've never been out to her, I don't know if word ever got to her from other family or friends. She's also a smart lady and not as unworldly wise as she often appeared. The second to last time I saw her, she couldn't speak properly, so she was slowly writing bits on paper. It was all v funny (if sad) trying to figure out the conversation. I'd just moved to Brighton for a job and she was asking who I was living with. she wrote on the paper '2 girls?' then she smiled at me. I said no, as I live in a large mixed house. but that she asked me (and I am very aware that I am taking a huge leap and probably adding 2+2 to make 5!) but I took her to be asking if I was living with another girl and in her roundabout way she was giving me her blessing. I know, it was probably not what she was thinking at all, but hey, it gives me a boost to think that is what she was trying to tell me!

Right, I might share the Rachel Weisz fantasy with a couple other friend now-am on a roll!

[taraslove]

Are there any groups (either physical or internet) that help the older-than-college crowd with coming out issues? Everything I've been able to find has been for college age or younger. Or even just, I don't know, finding places that aren't quite so - how do I put this - uptight?

You guys have any resources like that? I desperately need to start building some real friendships and getting out of this funk.

(ETClarify: Real friendships, meaning people who accept people for who they are. Didn't mean to imply that my friendships *here* weren't real. Bad form.)

I'm in the Southeast, so... maybe in the Atlanta, Columbia, Asheville areas...

[Dorothy]

who wants to help me out on this one:

I've got a friend that's not dropping hints about being lesbian or bisexual, she's more like, dropping anvilswith big red letters "I'm a dyke" on them... Yet she never says anything about it, just implies that she's hetrosexual and/or not interested in a love-relation of any kind.

I'm not in love with her, so that's not the issue here. My problem is that she is aiming most of those dropped anvils directly at me, I seriously don't know what she wants me to do with them. I wasn't planning on going into old-fashioned metal construction or cartoon-y-ways to get rid of my mother, so I've got no use for anvils

But seriously, my own comming out was more like "hey, I love women, I like it that way, live with it" so I've never experienced anything like dropping hints for someone (I'm more the kind that just says "I'm gay" when I want people to know that) I did have a few friends who came out to me first, but they just told me to my face/in a letter/a text/over the phone...

I don't know what to do with this because when I ask her she'll reply (as always) "just not one for relationships" or "haven't found mister right yet"

Has any of you got an idea on what I'm expected to do now... 'cause I've clearly missed anvil-catching 101 here...

[jasmydae]

* Step One: Create a plush anvil, with "I am gay." stitched on it in bold, red letters.

* Step Two: At next occurrence, present friend with anvil.

* Step Three: "Excuse me, Miss--I think you dropped this."

[Dorothy]

LoL would be a great one if we had a saying like that too, but I'm afraid she won't get the joke.

Also I'm not completely sure she's gay... But ones when she was drunk she asked me "do you do things with bisexuals too" at a moment and tone that implied more than just a curious question... and now she keeps bringing up gay topics (for example prop 8, before I even said anything about it to her) she keeps on making sure I notice that she likes the L-word, saying it on msn a couple of times this week and posting youtube vids of it in places she knows I will see them...

And I've actually never seen an episode of the L-word but she kinda made me buy all the DVDs and wants to borrow them.

That's dropping anvils right?

unsure about this, she might think I love her and ruin the friendship.
Which I'm not by the way, got my eye on someone else

[JustSkipIt]

Are there any groups (either physical or internet) that help the older-than-college crowd with coming out issues? Everything I've been able to find has been for college age or younger. Or even just, I don't know, finding places that aren't quite so - how do I put this - uptight?

TL - Well, what if you contact the college-aged groups and ask them about groups or even get-togethers for older crowds? I don't know because living in Austin it's like, uh, well everywhere?

[arwen276]

Hey all,

I've been on this board ever since I started questioning myself. I've read your stories, fears and successes, sometimes wishing the same thing would happen to me.

I come from the middle-east, born in a christian but non religious family in the midst of a multi-sectarian country where religion and conservatism are everything. My first girlfriend was muslim and we discovered our "forbidden" attraction but society's pressures managed to destroy us. It wasn't love really, mostly two people sheltering each other from a storm, we were to each other, a safe way of exploration.

Eversince I left highschool I wanted to escape, go and be free and anonymous somewhere. Because where I come from, everyone is in everyone's business and being gay is kind of repressed by law, but that's mostly for the guys. Alas that wasn't to happen so I went to university, dreaming of a way out.

5 years later, I found a way. It involved getting a second major in Europe after a very long previous degree... but I did it. I also met my current partner. We have long term plans, and I intend to move and be with her (she had to relocate).

I know I need to come out, mostly for my sake, because repressing something that's such a fundamental part of my being is the hardest thing I ever had to do, but also because I refuse to hide my lover, and the potential family that we're about to build.

However I also know that it means I will lose my family. There is no way they will ever accept me. Even though they're what we call "progressive" in their society, it still doesn't mean it's okay. There's been quite a few "close calls" and I've been confronted but I lied to avoid the cataclysm.

Later on, I wished and even now, that they'll just realize it, by the fact that I never had a boyfriend, even though I'm outgoing and have many guy friends.

So now I feel stuck in purgatory waiting, to join my absent lover, to finish my degree and start really working (I'm an intern), to move (I need to immigrate), to tell my parents, and being all alone in this is overwhelming.

I once asked my mum, what she wishes for us (my siblings and I), and she said " I want you all to be happy in your lives".

Do you think that will still hold when I tell her?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

arwen276, I can't pretend to know what you're going through, because it sounds like your family and culture is very different from mine, but I would like to offer my sympathy. It sounds unlikely that there's going to be a big happy ending where everything will work out wonderfully and your family and society will embrace you. I hope that your mother, even if she can't bring herself to be part of your life, can at least be happy for you... but I think the important thing is that you find your happiness regardless of her. I'm sure it hurts, to feel like your family is turning away from you, but you have to live for yourself, not them.
At least, that's my two cents. Hope it helps a bit. Good luck

[Willowtree252]

I just talked to my cousin that helped me get the job. She told me that the whole place knows I am gay and married to Sandi god its nice to work in a place that I can relax and be open and mainly myself. This has made me very happy.

[arwen276]

arwen276, I can't pretend to know what you're going through, because it sounds like your family and culture is very different from mine, but I would like to offer my sympathy....
... but you have to live for yourself, not them.
At least, that's my two cents. Hope it helps a bit. Good luck

In theory and reason, it is true that I have to live for myself and not a past that I'm barely a part of. They lived/are living their life and I have to live mine. I kind of took a few pre-emptive steps by moving away, becoming independent, building a new network of friends /pseudo-family, but yeah it hurts, and it's very hard to explain that I'm going to spend Christmas with my partner instead of them...

thanks for your words CTW, being on this board and reading all the stories kind of boosts me and tells me I'm not alone.

So you guys rock!

[Dorothy]

On the coming out part I really can't help a bit, it's so accepted in my family that my mother told me it's ok to be gay when I was 8... But the family part... I found out it's easier to let go of your family when you have people that are there for you, real family, as I like to call them.