Things that make you go hmmm? The general humor thread.

[Jennpurr]

Crotch Lizard







Jen

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Phoebe: Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting demons. ~ Charmed: Season 2, "P3 H20"
Quia ego cognosco cogitationes meas, quas ego cogito super vos, dicit Jehova, cogitationes pacis, et non in malum; ut dem vobis finem et expectationem. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

[Tempest Duer]

...

It's insulting to the whole gender[sic] of rap.



~Eminem

[tkheaven]

Horoscopes For People Under the Influence



Aries: Have you ever tasted food so good? Man, everything sure tastes good today! You never really noticed before, but you can actually taste the textures! Why haven’t you noticed this about macaroni and cheese before? You can really taste the cheesy goodness baked right in.



Taurus: Did you hear that? Wait…shhhhh! Listen…how long has that car been parked across the street? No way man, YOU go take a look and see if it’s them. No way, already got probation. WAIT!!! What was that? What do you mean you don’t hear it? WAIT! Shhhhhh!



Gemini: Re-evaluate your relationships today. Is that bitch just using you to score rock?

You and some luck Scorpio will go on a journey together. Just make sure you keep your Benjamin’s in your sock, in case they try to shank you. You ain’t no punk assed beeyatch. Eat solid food today.



Cancer: Time for a new look today, so why not take a damn shower. Your mom and dad are very concerned about you…don’t trust them. Take the stash out of the sock drawer, carve out the center of a book, and stick it in there.Tell them you’re in your room all day playing video games and studying. Tell the shrink they send you to that you’re messed up from them fighting all the time. Shift the spotlight off yourself.



Leo: Heal yourself today, only you know how to pamper you. Why not spend the extra dollar and step up from that stuff that makes you shit funny all the time? And why waste time sobering up while you sleep? Combine that 4am pee trip with a quick shot of Jack Daniels. You are your own best friend.



Virgo: Virjgo, it’s alwayz gotta be about yous, doesn’t itz? Always about you. Look at me evvvrybodee, I’m Mr. bigshot here with my jobbbbbbb and my clean soks and my car wit the wheels.and paint an all. IT’S ALWAY ABOUT YOUS, YOU BASTARD, LOOKING DWN YR NOZE AT ME! STOP LOOKING AT ME!!!!!!!!!!



Libra: The emphasis today is on your personal education. You know that red wine goes with red meat and white wine with chicken or fish. But what type? Do you really know the subtleties of a merlot, or the liveliness of a sauvignon? Or is it the other way around? Ah fuck it, buy some Mad Dog and go pick up a hooker.



Scorpio:manyouhavenevergottensomuchdoneinoneday,Timwasrightthisstuffcanreallyhelp

youfurtheryourcareerandshootrighttothetopI’mtalkingZINGupyougopastyourbossandthe vicepresidentALLTHEWAYTOTHETOPDAMNIFYOUDON’TFEELGREATWHATDIDHE

CALLTHISSTUFFAGAIN, YOURGONNANEEDSOMEMORe,

andit’sonly8:30amSHIT!!



!Sagittarius: The windows of perception have been opened up to you man, it’s like having, you know, a third eye or something that let’s you see meaning and thoughts and…stuff. Man, if only you had like a tape recorder. One that you could just record your thoughts without saying them, cause, you know, your deep and all. And where are those little crackers, with the cheese stuff baked on them? Mmmmmm.



Capricorn: Curse at strangers today, while stumbling around only catching yourself from

falling with a violent jerk at the end of your step. Pretend you are an animal in the jungle, hissing at passers by. Break into song if it moves you. Make a bowel movement if you hear any songs. Invest in some pork rinds.



Aquarius: Things are not always what they seem. Especially after some amyl-nitrate and yellow jackets. Getting jacked makes you feel alive. It’s too bad you have to go to court today, it really cuts into your "flying" time. Maybe you could just feign a seizure or something to get it postponed. What the fuck, they can’t do anything. Your a Supreme Court justice, and appointed for life!



Pisces: There is nothing like the fresh smell of trees first thing in the morning.

Unless it’s 2 in the morning, and that tree has your car wrapped around it like a cocktail weenie. The good new is that the chick you picked up seems to be unhurt. The bad news is, she looked like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down BEFORE the accident.



TODAY’S BIRTHDAY: Take it easy, you don’t want to wake up in your own puke tomorrow like last year. It goes: beer before liquor, never sicker-liquor before beer, never fear! Or why not try some kind bud and do some whippets? The unemployment rate is at an all time low—why upset the delicate balance by trying to get a job?

You’re only 31 once! Live it up!

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"...Crazy? Crazy?? I do not talk to myself...it's called thinking aloud...

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Tara ate her, devoured her from beneath. -The Edge of Silence giving new meaning to season seven's catch phrase.

bulldog: (gesturing to tk)"Can she get a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall?" female bartender: (laughing)"Honey, you're living in a fantasy world."

[Warduke]

Scott shared this in chat



PPTP Protocol

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Firefox: One Browser To Rule Them All.

[WitchChick]

I shall have you know I just emailed that to about 40 people. Meh. This is my first actual post. I feel lame a wee bit nervous.

[cattwoman98111]

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."



The cow said, "That's a pretty tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."



And God agreed.



On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years."



The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."



So God agreed.



On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. The dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"



And God agreed again (sigh).



On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy. I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty the cow gave back, and the ten the dog gave back and the ten the monkey gave back. That makes eighty.



"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."



And that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.



Life has now been explained.

The test of courage comes when we are in the minority. The test of tolerance comes when we are in the majority.

[FloatingRose]

haha....I like that..this stuff is hilarious! I was lmao at the new names and stuff before...I was almost crying, I need the laugh..thanks.

Sarah



"Some people like rhapsody in blue, but me I prefer my rhapsody in red." - The Dictionary Affairs

[Tempest Duer]

That is so true... *sigh*



Yes, Jen dear, I'm fine.

It's insulting to the whole gender[sic] of rap.



~Eminem

[dekalog]

I was torn as to put this here or in the 80's thready thingy - this was easier



www.molvania.com/video_medium_2.html



A music video to make you glad we aren't still in the 80's

[tkheaven]

*chuckle*



DICTIONARY FOR PERSONALS ADS:



40-ish.............................................49

Adventurous................. Slept with everyone

Athletic...................................... No tits

Average looking.................... Ugly

Very Good Looking............... Pathological liar

Contagious Smile.................. Does a lot of pills

Emotionally Secure...................... On medication

Free spirit.................................... Junkie

Friendship first.......................... Former slut

Fun.......................................... Annoying

New-Age............ Body hair in the wrong places

Old-fashioned............................. No BJs

Open-minded................................. Desperate

Outgoing...................... Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate............................... Sloppy drunk

Professional.................................... Bitch

Voluptuous................................... Very Fat

Large frame................................. Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate............................... Stalker



Woman's ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want..

5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = You're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = You better not

8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?



MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

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And THIS was hilarious!! Men vs. Women

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"...Crazy? Crazy?? I do not talk to myself...it's called thinking aloud...

---

Tara ate her, devoured her from beneath. -The Edge of Silence giving new meaning to season seven's catch phrase.

bulldog: (gesturing to tk)"Can she get a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall?" female bartender: (laughing)"Honey, you're living in a fantasy world."

[littlecrazy80]

That´s hilarious.



*lil´c*

"I am S-E-X-Y" Amber at the FedCon



SweetAmber ~~~ Amber Board

[tkheaven]

Trix are for Kids





A little rabbit is running happily through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint.



The rabbit looks at the giraffe and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come. Run with me through the forest! You'll feel so much better!"



The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke.



So the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come. Run with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!"



The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and coke, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up.



"Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come. Run with us through the beautiful forest and you'll feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and mauls the rabbit.



The giraffe and elephant watch in horror and look at him and ask, "Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help you."



The lion answers, "That little bastard! He makes me run around the forest like an idiot every time he's on ecstasy!"

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"...Crazy? Crazy?? I do not talk to myself...it's called thinking aloud...

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Tara ate her, devoured her from beneath. -The Edge of Silence giving new meaning to season seven's catch phrase.

bulldog: (gesturing to tk)"Can she get a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall?" female bartender: (laughing)"Honey, you're living in a fantasy world."

[Tempest Duer]

Now that's a children's story that I just might write.

It's insulting to the whole gender[sic] of rap.



~Eminem

[pocket gnome]

Hahahahaha. Those are great!

[Alexandra4sm]

lol tht story is well good

[littlecrazy80]

Nice little story.



*lil´c*

"I am S-E-X-Y" Amber at the FedCon



SweetAmber ~~~ Amber Board ~~~ Fred the Elephant

[Jennpurr]

Hee... this one could either go in a general cuteness thread or it could go here. I chuckled when I saw it.



Cute baby!



Jen

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Phoebe: Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting demons. ~ Charmed: Season 2, "P3 H20"
Quia ego cognosco cogitationes meas, quas ego cogito super vos, dicit Jehova, cogitationes pacis, et non in malum; ut dem vobis finem et expectationem. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

[Tempest Duer]

That's kind of funny as well as... sort of cute, Jen.



Now this is funny.

It's insulting to the whole gender[sic] of rap.



~Eminem

[maudmac]

...I'm old.



how to tell if you are old



sigh

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i wasn't sniffing your spicy brains

[tkheaven]

HEH.. Jenn, that was cute...







A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work.

WIthout her knowing, her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her

husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's lover

are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove.

Let's go outside and toss the baseball."

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to

church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest, and makes the little

boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again"

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"...Crazy? Crazy?? I do not talk to myself...it's called thinking aloud...

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Tara ate her, devoured her from beneath. -The Edge of Silence giving new meaning to season seven's catch phrase.

bulldog: (gesturing to tk)"Can she get a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall?" female bartender: (laughing)"Honey, you're living in a fantasy world."

[Nenyath]

That last one was pretty good! Actually I've had quite some laughs in here over a whole night! Oh yeah, my real name is actually Snotty Toilet Chunks! Thats really nice to know!



Found this... Something for us "Bush lovers" www.thefunnypage.com/bush/index.htm do notice the last one! And the picture really reminds me of this poster I saw once, 10 or so photos of a monkey and bush. They where matched up in pairs, and whatever face the monkey pulled of, Bush did too... I just loved that one!



Hope you enjoy as much as I did!

[Warduke]

Speaking of Dubya...



www.kaicurryservices.com/peacecandy/gwbush/dishonestdubya/



The 'choke on pretzel!' button

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Firefox: One Browser To Rule Them All.

[urnofosiris]

That must have been the first time I could stand listening to and looking at that

Cartman: Mom--Kitty is being a dildo.

Mrs. Cartman: Well, I know a little kitty who is sleeping with Mommy tonight.

[xita]

prezel

- - - - - - - - - - -
"Trust is a risk masquerading as a promise."

[dekalog]

For all you Americans looking forward to your election in November I give you:



www.workingforchange.com/...emid=17250



this guy always has good clips I recommend looking at most of them.

[skittles]

I needed to post something in the current events thread, but you might enjoy it, too...



especially, if you know anything about me...



The Current Events Thread

skittles



"You are a child of the universe,

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here." Desiderata, Max Erhmann

[Jennpurr]

That hillarious, Skittles.







Jen

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Phoebe: Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting demons. ~ Charmed: Season 2, "P3 H20"
Quia ego cognosco cogitationes meas, quas ego cogito super vos, dicit Jehova, cogitationes pacis, et non in malum; ut dem vobis finem et expectationem. ~ Jeremiah 29:11

[Tempest Duer]

Oh, dear Lord.



It made me laugh, but it also made me sad.

It's insulting to the whole gender[sic] of rap.



~Eminem

[Willowlicious]

Here is some election humor (with a cause) at the expense of Dubya. It stars Wil Ferrell and is produced by the good folks at ACT. Just click on your connection speed once there to see the video.



whitehousewest.com/

[Warduke]

Just when you thought you had seen everything.



From Yahoo...

Quote:

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Ex-wife's dog bites man in wallet



TORONTO (AFP) - A Canadian man got off the leash by divorcing from his wife, but was ordered by a judge to pay 200 dollars a month in doggie-alimony.       



Four-year-old St Bernard, Crunchy, is munching his way through a monthly bill of 200 dollars (150 US) in food, health bills and general care giving, the National Post newspaper reported.



Pampering the pooch is truck driver Kenneth Duncan, of western Alberta province, in what is thought to be the first court order of its kind in Canada.



The 200 dollar assessment is about a third of what Duncan would be required to pay his ex-wife Barbara Boschee had there been a child involved -- but the ruling doesn't involve any visitation rights.

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