Quote:
Originally posted by jamboree
I don’t know if this is right place to ask, but how we definite a person is lesbian or straight or bi, it depends on her past or future or both? If a girl been with men before but then want to be with women and no plan go back to boystown, is this making her straight to lesbian or straight to bi since she had experiences with both men and women? Also how if she doesn’t care back to boystown but it never happened, will that the same? Thanks.
Kitten wisdom says that "we" don't define a person as lesbian or straight or bi but rather the person defines herself (or himself).
As for how people decide for themselves what their sexuality is (which is the "Questioning" part of this thread) and how past experience is factored in, that is also really up to the individual.Having been with someone of the same sex or opposite sex in the past does not necessarily have to apply to how you see yourself now, and I think the question of sexuality is more about what you feel that you want now and in the future rather than who you've had experience with in the past. In the example you give, the girl in question might consider herself to be "gay" because she has (hypothetically) decided she is only interested in being with women. Or she might consider herself "bi" because (hypothetically) while not interested in seeking out relationships with men she doesn't exclude them. It's a matter of degree and what considerations are important to her sexual self-identity.
She might or might not consider herself to have been "straight" or "bi" in the past and to have changed, but there is also no rule that says she has to put a label on her past at all. As an academic exercise she might consider how she felt about those past experiences before, during, and after the fact, and based on such introspection she might realize what her preference had been (perhaps the same as now, or perhaps has changed), but not everyone finds it meaningful to put a label on her (or his) past. Even then the interpretation is very personal and individual, and no one else can really make the determination for her, just as no one else can declare for her how she felt.
Of course, for some people it helps to talk with other understanding people who might help a person figure out what questions to ask herself (or himself), or just to have someone to share with. Sometimes it can be a close friend or family member; sometimes it can be a trusted teacher or other mentor; sometimes it can be a professional psychologist; and of course sometimes it can be a welcoming and supportive group like the Kitten board. Often it is hard to talk about such things with those who "know" you because it's sort of like coming out before you even know yourself, and not everyone in the world is accepting of the possibilities. So a supportive group you know in advance won't judge you for questioning or for what you decide like the Kitten board is an important resource for those who need such help or someone to share with.
Quote:
Originally posted by neta
she felt that I lied to all my friends and she felt betrayed specifically because when I realized I was gay I didn't tell anyone right away. I continued to remain in the closet...deep in the closet but eventually told everyone and at first it seemed they accepted it. I explained to them all why I didn't come out till I did and everyone seemed ok with it. This same friend was the first friend I did tell and she helped me tell everyone one else. Now a significant time has passed...a year and a half to two years and now she says that she has these personal issues with me and she is influencing my other friends...my support group. I once again talked to her about my reasons...some being fear of losing one of my jobs, friends, family and the threat of violence against myself. To which she denied that non of that would ever happen.
It's a difficult situation when you finally feel comfortable telling your friends and they hold it against you that you didn't tell them sooner. But it's important to realize that you didn't do anything wrong by not telling them sooner. It's unreasonable for your friend to put you in the position of being frozen out of the group after you told them and for the reason that you weren't comfortable telling her right away! The way she is treating you is exactly one sort of concern that makes people reluctant to come out, and by apparently trying to ruin your friendships she is proving your concerns were appropriate.
Even if everyone ended up completely accepting about it that would not make the concern beforehand any less reasonable. You can't know how they will really respond until they do know and respond, and that's too late to help you decide about telling them. You have to decide without them before they can help you; that's just how it works. You ultimately told them, trusting that they would not make you regret it, and she is showing that trust was partly misplaced. That's not the way a friend should behave when trust is placed in them. A real friend would try to understand your concerns and why you wouldn't tell them right when you yourself just figured it out, or would simply accept it as obvious that you weren't comfortable telling them until you did and that it's entirely your decision to make not theirs to expect of you.
This strongly reminds me of an episode of Smallville where Clark ended up having to tell his friend Pete about his powers and (what he knew about) his origins. Pete was upset that he hadn't been told sooner. The similarity to coming out issues makes that such an important episode, and in the end Pete came around. But I'm very disappointed that the show never addressed what was wrong with Pete's reaction in the first place; they just took it for granted that he should react that way and hold it against Clark that he wasn't told sooner, and it didn't give any help to those going through the obvious parallel to resolve their own problem in a positive way. Pete mostly came to understand on his own, which not everyone has the wisdom to achieve. Hopefully the show itself shows people what it's like to live with a huge secret that you can't tell even your close friends about (though Clark's parents knew, so he wasn't completely alone with it), but those who don't have such secrets in their lives might not form the same kind of understanding, and I think they dropped the ball on an important opportunity.
Did these friends not watch Buffy in season 4? Willow had been developing a relationship with Tara for a while before introducing (or even mentioning) her to her other friends. And when she did finally tell Buffy the way she felt towards Tara, Buffy didn't get all huffy about not being told sooner (it wasn't even considered in the slightest that Willow should have told her sooner). She was a little thrown because her understanding of Willow had to suddenly change, but that would have been no different had she been told any sooner. In fact, waiting until after they had met Tara as Willow's "friend" probably made it easier to learn they're actually a romantic couple than if she had suddenly shown up and said, "Hey, meet Tara, my girlfriend; we're in love!"
I mean, what does your friend expect you to have done? ...call her up all excited and say, "Hey, I just realized that I'm gay! I just wanted you to know right away this deeply personal thing about me which I only just realized this very day, because even though it's all about me and has nothing to do with you, you still have a fundamental right to know everything about me in complete detail."? Sheesh!
Well, maybe you can extract something helpful from somewhere in that rant.
), so it got me thinking a little more: "2 big crushes, 2 women - could there be theme here?". It took me half a year of examining small crushes, reaction to certain movie scenes and other stuff to come to the conclusion that I'm probably gay. And since it still isn't exactly a non-issue, I wouldn't have talked to anyone before that, simply bcause I didn't want to be labelled gay yet.
at: 5/21/03 12:44:10 am
Don't your parents know how likely these young marriages are to fail? (And that's assuming you're marrying w/in your sexual orientation, and not against it)
Out 
