Just a personal note for this day ...

I always believed that I lived in a closeted community with its lacunas which prevented it from seeing but today I realise that the closet in which I am in is in fact one I created myself owing to my fears pertaining to lack of love. I do not know yet when I shall feel humble enough to acknowledge the love that my heart feels that would enable me to come out in this dangerous context I live in currently. But I have high hopes that the day I come out shall also be the day when I shall have finally been able to encompass my family's feelings with compassion rather than self grievances and hurt.

Cheers,

Vi'

Taraholic - Well, I always figure everyone on earth doesn't have to know. I mean if your grandma can't handle it, then she can't. You're honest with yourself and your parents and that's what's important.

Jas - Really? In Austin? I mean I rarely encounter anyone who's not just totally ok with it. Hmmm.

nimloth - What a beautiful realization.

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Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

Hear Hear.

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Lotus

Well, the fact that she's from Pakistan might have something to do with it, I'm guessing her culture is less accepting.

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"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.

I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas

True, the concept of being gay is very much alien to the core of oriental culture as understood and developed by its people. Coming from a multicultural country, I face a higher level of resistance from friends of a muslim culture as opposed to friends of Indian culture or from occidental/Chinese/African backgrounds Unless the person coming from a muslim background is a really close friend of mine, I risk immediate cutting of ties.

There is no integration of real acceptance though. People might be pro-gay activists but it is still against religious teachings so it is with compassion that support is received in the hope that the Lord knows what He is doing and can undo harm done to society.

But I'm speaking solely from the vantage point of the new generation birthed in oriental culture, a generation that is becoming more and more warm and understanding. The more the generational gap widens though, the lesser the capacity to integrate and be open. Moving into sub cultural contexts such as settling into an occidental background then does not have that strong an impact on the traditional values received since childhood.

No wonder then, we have classes at University and case conferences on the burgeoning issue of lesbianism in schools and what may be done at a societal level to cure this - all conducted by well meaning and well educated people in the social field.

Heartfelt cheers Jas,

Vi'

A really nice but paradoxical form of acceptance that I receive from one of my best friends made me wish to post here again .

Aisha is of muslim culture and the day I came out to her, she patted my back and told me that her religion was against homosexuality and that she was incapable of understanding the dynamics behind a different sexual orientation but that she offered her full support.

She's always smiling and in her 'cool' dude mode when she asks questions though ... questions that all begin like this: ''So yo dude, you still the same or is there any change-change?'' ... and that is what I find really interesting. The questions that follow are never meant to be directive or provocative. They are really sweet, so sweet that there is mutual respect and understanding from both sides in that though it might be totally against her beliefs, her attitude is non-judgemental and instead of making me feel vulnerable and misunderstood, it has a most positive effect on my feelings.

I'm enjoying this safe step-by-step coming out process with her where both parties are able to explore their feelings at their own pace.

Vi, I'm so glad this happened to you, to receive support is of utmost importance during such a long and stressful process. Congratulations to your friend but most importantly- to you! May everyone continue to have such good responses

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Lotus

Vi, I'm glad you can have such a supportive friend, ecspecially when their religion can, at times, conflict with their thoughts. It's a wonderful thing, really, and you can only come across it a couple of times.
My coming out was very anti-climactic. I was finally realizing I was gay between last August - last December because of a crush I had on a girl in one of my classes. It was also around the time one of my best friends realized she was bi, so we helped each other through it. Now, most of my friends know, my school knows, and my mother knows.
As for my family, I think I'm gonna wait a few years, my mother still doesn't believe me and thinks it's a phase. Once gay, always gay. It's a part of you. Also, I think there will be complications with my cousin. She's 4 years younger than me, but she's like my little sister, mostly because we're both only children. She's REALLY into her religion, in a religious academy, and EVERYTHING.
Religion wasn't a really big deal for me, I grew up atheist, and still am. I've never had problems against homosexuality, in fact, I've always supported it and looked down upon people who liked to gay-bash. I still wonder why some people have a problem against it. It's not like we're planning to take over the world. (I still laugh at those suggestions some people make.)
I've kissed both genders, twice each, and the female one just completely took me away. Since then I've had crushes on a number of celebrity women, and girls my age, even through the denial I've been in. I'm still working through this, but I know I've made the right life style choice.

We're not?

Damn!

Better cancel those plans for world domination and just party then

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People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. This is how character is built. Eleanor Roosevelt

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO That was hilarious! Even if we did try to take over the world, I think bunnies would get there before us. So, yeah, we might as well party 'til we're force fer carrots for every day of the remainder of our lives. (I don't think gay bunnies count, btw.)

We're not planning to take over the world...hmmm...I must have missed that memo.

If memory serves bunnies (according to Anya) can be quite scary...so I think they could plan quite the attack as well.

Darn it...so much for commandeering the worlds supply of toaster ovens

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"Dad, I'm Gay."
"But I've only been gone 2 hours?!" -- I Can't Think Straight

I'm suck a poor excuse for a lesbian that I had to BUY my own toasteroven... and as I went to the counter to pay, they REMOVED the discount notice AND made me pay the full price for it!
So much for building a straightpeople assimilator out of toasteroven parts, this way it'd become WAY too expensive LoL

Blah there seem to be some gay haters in my new class and I'm not out yet
well, I haven't SAID it yet, all the pride bracelets and rainbow prints on my bags, wallets, shirts and so on are kinda obvious... wondering what the best approach is, blunt, subtle, shout-of-the-roof-y... I've never been closeted, not even slightly and NOT planning to start now, just wondering how to be out :s blah I suck[hr][/u][/spoiler][/i]

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Manchmal in der Nacht hab ich phantastische Träume. Aber wenn ish aufwach, quält mich die Angst.
Manchmal in der Nacht bin ich so hilflos und wünsch mir, es käm einer, der mich führt und beschützt.
(__/)
(O.o )
(> < ) This Is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world domination. (it must be bunnieeees!)

well, I know what you mean... I´m totally out at my work... I mean, I don´t have anything to hide and if I´m out to my family (they know all about my quirky sexuality XD) why I can´t be out at work? Ok, people don´t have to accepted this, but if I can listen to their 'straight issues' why can they listen when I have 'girl issues'?

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- Proud Warrant Officer of the Kitten Army - Semper WillTarus!! -

My Heart Draws a Dream
True Colors of Love
A Crazy Little Thing Called Mutation

Dorothy and Nue, I'm responding to both of your opinions

As a person of a lesbian sexual orientation, one does not necessarily need to be out and proud unless it is through personal choice. There is a difference I feel between being out and just being the real you without emphasising from which group you come from. Tagging oneself as out and proud is paradoxically as assertive as one-sided behaviour coming from people who are of the belief that being gay is against the laws of nature or religion. So my belief is that if you choose to lay emphasis on your sexual orientation instead of who you are as a person, you automatically attract people into seeing you in a box.

Thank you,

Vi'

Well, I just don´t think it´s fair... but I know life isn´t fair, I already got some evil, totally mean kids at school when I was a teenager... I don´t think I should be hiding... This is me, you know? I´m bisexual, I like girls and boys... Ok, I know people are stupid, but still...

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- Proud Warrant Officer of the Kitten Army - Semper WillTarus!! -

My Heart Draws a Dream
True Colors of Love
A Crazy Little Thing Called Mutation

I'm always out and proud... For example my pride bracelets never come off xcept sometimes for cosplay and my wallet and purse are covered in rainbows.
Just not sure yet if I wannabe out and loud this year, need to graduate, can't let anxiety over bullies ruin it cause it'd cost me oodles of money... but I also feel like an ass for not being vocal (enough)... dilemma dilemma...

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Manchmal in der Nacht hab ich phantastische Träume. Aber wenn ish aufwach, quält mich die Angst.
Manchmal in der Nacht bin ich so hilflos und wünsch mir, es käm einer, der mich führt und beschützt.
(__/)
(O.o )
(> < ) This Is Bunny. Copy Bunny into your signature to help him on his way to world domination. (it must be bunnieeees!)

Dorothy, In relation to your guilt-like feelings over not being 'out and proud' enough, I don't know, I always see my sexuality as just a fluid part of my being. If it comes into discussion then it comes into discussion, if someone has an overt problem with it then I shoot them down and they get over it or leave me alone lol. Goodluck with the bullies, asswipes that they are


Objectively, I see it as a bit of a problem in some circles, I mean some groups come down on people for not projecting their sexuality in obvious ways, isn't the whole point of a forward, free-thinking society not CARING about any of that crap and just letting people be who they want to be? Thinking about it, the whole concept seems kind of regressive. I mean, I feel bad for people when they actually worry and stress that they aren't 'out enough', like we don't have enough worries and stressors in our lives!

I mean, if the person is feeling repressed and it's causing them spiritual harm then by all means they should address the issue, but they shouldn't feel pressured to shout their sexuality from the roof tops just to prove some kind of point.

It seems like the people that I meet in my day to day life that do that tend to become nothing but their sexuality and when I delve behind that they're really quite empty people which I find very sad. Has anyone else experienced that or am I just crazy? .


Bell

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let me live forever.. in the space between our lips...

I feel really guilty about not being out more, I also feel ashamed for feeling ashamed of who I am and being scared/hestiant to reveal my sexuality. I have got so used to being this asexual being that I don't even know how to talk about myself. And as am single and have a v small scattering of LGBT friends there is nothing really for me to say.

I know from experience that people will generally react ok with me when they know I'm gay, even if it takes time. If they like me they like me and will generally get over any initial weirdness. Yet I feel like I just don't want to deal with that initial wierdness at all-I feel v childish-its not f**king fair that I have to!

I hate the feeling of being gossip of the moment, hate that people make assumptions about who I am based on a label. Yet I do understand this it is normal reaction and something even I do about other people. (thats something I feel guilty, that sometimes I feel uncomfortable around other gay people or in gay spaces) But then I feel guilty for being a wimp and not being 'proud' and I feel rubbish, cause I feel like I'm lying to people and I feel uncomfortable, because I just want to be who I am without any stresses and worries. I'm naturally shy and private as it is, talking about myself period is difficult, let alone my sexuality!

When I had a girlfirend it was easy to be out, I just talked about her normally like anyone else would talk about their partners. since been single (waaay too many years now!) I have no easy way for it to drop into discussion and it is so easy not to bring things up in a relaxed way without screaming 'I'M A LEZZA!!!!!. or even just saying 'I'm gay' calmly and simply, my discussions never seem to allow that opportunity.

I might mention I went to Pride, but that dosen't mean people assume that means I'm gay. I might go to a gay pub, gay comedy night, gay clubbing, again same thing. I watch L Word/Hollyoaks-lots of my straight friends do too and also have girl crushes on some of the characters and talk about it in discussion. I look straight. it is assumed I am straight best friend. Or I am so shy and closeted they don't want to make me feel uncomfy by asking personal questions. or I'm religious. or just strange asexual celibate nun type creature.

I've been trying to meet lesbian friends in my new city and slowly have made a few contacts which feels brilliant. I am not alone-yey! But then this carries more stresses. I feel bad that am not out enough or don't look 'gay' enough or don't have enough experience or aren't comfortable enough-worry worry worry.

Why are we so hard on ourselves!!!!!

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“The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.” Eleanor Roosevelt

"It's a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life...for me...and I'm feeling good" Nina Simone

Hi nicola,

If I were to go straight to the point, we feel like the way you do owing to the fact that we are surrounded by significant others.

The most interesting facet of having significant people in your life is that these people will push you to grow up with the notion that you owe them something in return for all these years of caring. But that is an illusion based on the idea that the care provider is not responsible for her/his actions. Parents who decide to have a child go through the upbringing process based on responsibility that finds its source in choice.

As soon as you make a choice, you are responsible for that choice. But responsibility does not entail condoning acts that are against moral judgement. Being responsible means being free and unconditionally accepting of oneself.

If it is vital for you at the moment to identify firstly with your sexual orientation, then it's time to go in depth and find out what exactly in your interactional roots make you uncomfortable. Stressing over whether you are out or not acts as a perfect buffer for the overriding issue of whether you are worthy or not. And that is completely illusory because you are definitely special in your unique way. And the best thing about it is that you do not need someone else to make you feel that way. You can choose to make other people realise how special you are by treating your own self extra specially. The rest is as easy as the gentle flow of a river.

I wish you much luck.

Vi'

Vi, thank you so much for your reply. What you wrote makes perfect sense and it has really helped me. I especially love the phrase:

"Being responsible means being free and unconditionally accepting of oneself."

I have always tried to take responsibility for myself and my actions, I always believe that my life is what I make it and if I am unhappy then that is my own fault. If I am not out, proud with a lovely girlfriend and instead riddled with shame then I only have myself to blame. But you are so right, this an illusion. I dont accept myself, I don't feel worthy.

(and to paraphrase Rupaul-if you can't love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love someone else or someone else love you)

I love how you phrased the concept of taking responsibility as accepting yourself. this is so true. Ultimatly this is my responsibility, this is within my control. If I accept myself, then others will too and if they don't, then this doesn't damage my self-concept. I am strong and not validated by others approval. their disproval/discomfort will not break me.

It was spooky what you wrote! I have been surrounded by and brought up by significant people who I feel responsible for in return for the care that they have given me. I feel that I am responsible for their happiness/anxieties and I owe it to them to take on this responsibility. Even though I am aware it is not mine to take or theirs to give, I still take it on. Their insecurities, their anxieties, their troubles. To do this I censor myself, I adapt myself like a chamelon, I role-reverse parent/counselor, and when I cannot live up to the responsibility or lose sight of myself in the charade I feel ashamed, depressed, anxious and angry.

I am responsible only for myself and my responsibility is to accept myself the way I am, right here, right now-scared, messed up, attracted to women, funny, clumsy, lonely... Even writing those words I feel stronger!

I have started reading this book: 'Outing yourself' by Michelangelo Signorile. Its a step by step guide and the first step is identyfying and accepting yourself as gay/lesbian/bi etc. feeling secure in yourself before coming out to others. then researching gay history, then making gay friends and creating a support network, THEN coming out to the straight people in your life. All the while going at your own pace and feeling safe in what you were doing.

I skipped all of this. I came out to my parents (accidentally) before I accepted myself, before I had any gay support network, before even my straight friends knew. My parents overt support, but clear discomfort, confusion and sense of loss has coloured my attitude and behaviour around my sexuality ever since.

Am going back to basics, going to treat myself special, accept myself. Hand back (metephorically) the responsibility that was never mine to take. and allow myself to be happy!

Thanks Vi again, I apprieciated your answer very much!
xx

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“The purpose of life, after all, is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experiences.” Eleanor Roosevelt

"It's a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life...for me...and I'm feeling good" Nina Simone

My gentle thanks to you as well nicola since your honest input was quite an inspiration.

Self esteem in this world is directly tied to self image which actually places you, on an unconscious level, in direct contact with others' opinions of you. The trick is simply to be aware of it and switch to an internal frame of reference: the real you. The real you is of course deserving of love, brilliantly beautiful women and everything you choose as the real you is in opposition to what the world teaches you.

The world places people in compartments and then sits back and offers judgements dictating whether you are worthy/unworthy of living in it. But you are neither above nor below anyone. Your heart knows that perfectly. So go out and show to the world who you really are ^^

Love.

I just more or less came out to my mum after about a year of thinking about it and 3 days of actually trying to do it. She was really supportive and stuff. Still, the 'assume crash positions' part of me is imagining her somewhere now cursing the fates for giving her such an awkward nuisance for a daughter. I'm fairly certain however that this is just my brain doing its usual spazoid thing. I hope. Also, is this what unimaginable relief feels like? I think maybe it is.

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Blogness

I was always out in high school, maybe not loud about it but always out. I found myself unable to be out at work. I don't know why but I just can't bring myself to say anything. The words are on the tip of my tongue and they won't come out and I don't know why. For years I never cared what virtually anyone thought about my sexuality, and now I find that I do. I'm proud to be gay, to be in love with a woman, and I would never lie about it, but I just can't bring myself to say it at work even when the opportunity presents itself. Last week I was asked if I had a boyfriend and I simply said no, even though a part of me was screaming to say 'I have a girlfriend'. Today I told a couple women I work with, who to my great suprise I'm starting to become almost friend-like with, about the trip I'm taking, and when they suggested that I might meet a guy and have a romance, I didn't say anything. I feel like such a coward. I'm not even sure what I'm afraid of. I mentioned to my boss and my lead teacher ages ago that I had been to the Pride Festival, so it's not like I'm completely hiding, but I just can't bring myself to say "I'm gay" or "I have a girlfriend" or "no guys for me", and it never used to bother me and... I feel so pathetic for not being able to say it.

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"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.

I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas

So, I finally told someone that I was bisexual. We were in the car after a party and she was talking about her boyfriend and asked me what kind of guys I was interested in and I realized that I finally had the opportunity to tell someone the truth. She is a very open person and I could tell that she wouldn't think it was a big deal. So I told her I was bisexual since I'm interested in women but not completely disinterested in men, that it's more the person that matters. She was completely cool with it and even offered to introduce me to some of her friends who were gay. I was really nervous about saying it out loud, but I felt excited and relieved after. It's strange, because I really wanted to tell her anyway and when she happened to give me an opportunity I knew I would hate myself if I didn't say anything. I guess it's good to tell people who you know will be okay with it and then move up to the harder people.

Congratulations stringsrock, telling even one person is a big step. It can be a scary and hard thing to talk about, even with people you logically know will be okay with it, and you should be proud of yourself.

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"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.

I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas

I got an awesome e-mail today. It was actually forwarded from by my brother from a cousin. She has my e-mail but apparently was in a hurry because she just told him to pass it on. Anyway, it was a coming out announcement for her daughter (she's about 20 or 21). And it was the most awesome thing. Seriously, the e-mail could not have been more excited and loving and supportive if she had won an award. I wish everyone's family always reacted like that!

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Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

Oh my coming out story is a little sad, but I've never written it down before so I guess there's a first time for everything. I have a horrible memory too so this maybe a tad bit different then what actually happened.
I figured I was gay halfway through 8th grade. I'm pretty sure then I became immediately depressed because I couldn't tell anyone. I had a lot of punker/emo friends at the time and so I thought that cutting myself was an okay option. I did that until my parents noticed and they took me to a therapist. During this, my best guy friend, Eric, came out to me. I was the first person he had ever come out too and I came out to him too. The next day, Eric came out to all our friends and so I came out to them too. At the time I felt like it was peer pressure, but in the end, it was a total blessing.
Anyway, so my therapist was really understanding and encouraged me to come out to my parents. And so I did. It came as a shock (Mom told me that no parent really expects their kid to be gay) but they supported me, and they still do.
I might also mention that I have a gay older brother, who is like, 10 years older than me, so my parents already went through this song and dance before. That certainly helped a lot.

So there ya go. Right now, I don't feel 100% lesbian (more like 80%), but I think that's just who I am. I never really accepted all the black and white definitions of sexuality so I never closed myself off from thinking that some guys can be just as cute as girls. I don't think I could ever bring myself to date a guy but whatever happens, happens.

Courtney - I'm glad to hear that you've found support from your family and community. That's really important. I also hope that you've found some alternatives to cutting. You didn't mention the current status of that. I hope you're doing well and welcome to the KB and thanks for posting.

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Menorah Tales | Working It Out | Random Bits

My dad is pressuring me to come out to my grandmother and tell her about my relationship. I feel like I should and on some level I want to, but I'm scared. I've never really had a bad reaction to my coming out, certainly some more pleasant than others but none really bad, and I know she would be the first bad one. I don't know quite how she'll react, I just know it won't be pretty; my dad knows too, but he's still trying to guilt me into it. I don't like hiding or telling half-truths, but I've never talked to her about anything personal in my life and I don't know how to start, and I don't want to hurt her which I know I will, and I though it's immature I don't want to deal with the bad reaction I know is coming.
Most of all though, I just hate being pressured about it. Though I do think it's good to be open, I don't believe anyone should be guilted into coming out. It's a personal decision and no one should be forced.

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"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.

I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...

~Jas