by CrazyTaraWitch » Sat Feb 20, 2010 3:57 pm
I don't know if our life has ever felt farther away than it does right now...
I had the idea to look at Au Pair jobs in Germany, just as a possibility for the future to get me to Germany a little sooner, and it looked like a really cool possibility, but I would need a visa so I went to the German Embassy websute to get more information about visas, primarily if having a work visa would mean that I was required to leave the country at the end of the visa or if it could be replaced with some sort of residence visa if I had gotten or was about to get married to a citizen... All of this was done more for curiosity and to pass the time than because I thought it was terribly likely I would actually get a nanny job for a German family (since I still know very very little German), but I thought I'd check it out, so I looked around the Embassy website and ended up at their FAQ section. I read through all the questions and some of the answers, and the things I read... they terrify me.
We thought we'd have to get married in Germany, but I have to have a US marriage document to apply for my visa. Well f***. This got me crying, panicking, freaking out, and borderline hysterical. Will a same-sex marriage count since it won't be recognized by the whole United States? I'm terrified it won't. Even if it did there would be the issue of going to one of the states that has same-sex marriage (another expense we won't have the money for), plus I have no idea how to get a marriage license when only one person is a citizen. Will INS be involved even though she won't be moving here? All I'm sure of is it's going to be a hell of a lot more complicated than I thought.
When I finally calmed down I kept reading and the last question on the page was "how long does it take to get a visa?", and at first I thought it was good news cause it said usually 2-10 days...then I read the rest. If applying for a long-term residence permit, which is what I will someday need, it takes up to several months. Which means even *after* we get married (which won't be for quite a while, as we're not even engaged, we just talk about being married almost every single day, and of course we'll have to figure out getting married in the US) and I apply for residence, it will be up to several months before I can actually get the visa, and then I'll have to give notice at whatever job I have, get out of the lease wherever I'm living since I'm sure I won't be able to stay here as long as all of this is going to take, pack, and get anything else organized, all before I can finally move there.
We've talked about January, as our goal for me coming home to stay. Even that, 11 months, seems so horribly far away. We've known it might easily be longer, but now... I don't know what to do. It's too much. I-I can't be away from her for years, it just hurts too damn much. It hurts so much every single day to be apart. I can't remember the last time I went a waking hour without thinking about her, missing her. Even when we talk I miss her because I'm not there, I can't touch her, we can't snuggle or kiss or hold hands, we can't cook dinner or hang up laundry or play cards or watch movies or eat popsicles... I don't know how I long I can live like this... and yet I know I could never in a million years give her up. I know she's worth the wait, our life is worth the wait, whether it's two years or five or fifty, but I feel like I'll break with the waiting, with the pain of being apart. I'll never give up, but even if it sounds dramatic and/or crazy, I feel like I won't survive if it takes years for us to be together. I feel like something inside me is going to break, maybe beyond repair. It hurts so damn much all the time... The only thing that hurts worse is thinking of not having her at all... I know that will never be an option, not for me.
I'm terrified and freaking out and she left hours ago because she's mad at me and... I need her to be here to keep me from falling apart, but I was an idiot (again) and she's mad (again) and I can't text or call her freaking out and begging her to be here for me when she's mad and has every right to be mad. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to stay sane right now.
"To days to come."
"All my love to long ago.
I hope, we'll have more happy ever after
I hope, we can all live more fearlessly...
~Jas
