The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)

[Zooeys_Bridge]

Owl, I know exactly how you feel. Just came back from visiting my alma mater, and it felt really really weird to be there and have no purpose. Purposeless is hard. And the transition stinks, but soon you'll find new purpose and it will all be okay. Hug.

[Taralover]

My Realplayer has, in thwe short term anyway, effed up.

[Ariel]

A lot of what has been said, hits home for me.

Willowtree252:
I wish I could give you more help. I struggle with stress, too. Here are the things I try (and often don't try enough or fail on, but at least try!):
-Taking a walk, looking at things outside that are bigger than me and my problems (exercise also helps).
-trying to realize that everything is not up to me and ask for help (hard!)
-Doing the recovery "attitude of gratitude" thing - really counting (sometimes listing) my blessings
-Asking myself when I screw up or feel embarrassed, "will this matter in one month? one year?" etc.

What I still work on is sharing my feelings with my partner. Kate really loves me and is there for me when I give her the chance. As a kid, I withdrew from tough stuff into books and fantasy. I deal in the real world but it's hard to share the vulnerability sometimes. Reach out and absolutely know that you are not alone. *Hug*

JujuDeRoussie:
I had to drop out of school, too. I worked in a tomato cannery in the summer trying to make enough money and during school I had 3 part-time jobs in addition to selling my plasma twice a week. It was hard, but I made it. You will, too, but wading through this river of crap is hard. I'm sending the good thoughts, hang in!

Owl:
It was a shock leaving school, too. It gave a structure and it was a meritocracy where I felt successful and happy. I remember skating to class and sometimes (literally) singing because I felt so glad to be going to UC Santa Barabara on a beautiful day. The transition isn't easy at all. It's a whole new world, but you can do it.

Taralover:
Don't even get me started on tech-disastors! I make Tara look like a computer geek! You may need to seek supernatural aid!

My thing is that I took on too much and I'm scared that I won't be able to get it all done well. I'm teaching improvisation for three weekends, writing two shows from scratch, helping with one more, and directing/performing in one of them which involves choreographing a swordfight (foils only!) I have never piled on so much and it gives me the big stomach knot, plus we're opening third week of November. Part of this is my own fault, part of it is the producer roping me in and me being too wimpy to say no. Send me the good vibes, I can probably pull it off if I focus on doing it instead of worrying about it.

Thanks for this community and the chance to listen and reach out!

Ariel

[Owl]

Thanks to Rachel and Ariel for the commiserations, it always helps to hear from others who have already grappled with these big, life crisis-y type things. I know for sure I'll be returning to study at some point, but definitely not as soon as I'd like to be so yeah, very much with the purposelessness right now. I'm sure there are plenty of awesome things to distract me from that though, like jobs and responsibilities and traffic jams and being unable to use 'but I'm still in school!' as a valid argument for why the doctor should give still you a lollipop after a jab. Woot.

My newest crappy feeling is that I'm ending what has been a beautiful long weekend with sunburn and a sore throat, all of which is mostly on account of me being a dummy.

[Nue]

Headache, hellish work... I don´t think I can go through this anymore...

[KiWy]

My little sister has a boyfriend. He's one of my friends, so no problem, i trust him. He's 3 years older than her. My parents accept it, even if they're not fully supportive.
I am wondering what they'd do about me. Bisexual me. Would they kick me out ? Yes, probably. Probably do worse, too. The "It gets better" campain gives hope, though sometimes i have none. Right now i'm feeling down.

Tomorrow will be better

[truck_driving_magic_mama]

This may be silly, but I just saw that "Impulse" was removed from pens, and it makes me really sad. I can't believe we're not gonna see its ending. *whining like a 5 year old*

[writerfreak]

I hate being sick and in pain...

writerfreak: flower

[Nue]

mother had her first chemotherapy session... since she couldn´t breath due a Pleural effusion, the doctors had to drain some fluid...

she´s better now, but she´s in a lot of pain...

[waitnsee]

This may be silly, but I just saw that "Impulse" was removed from pens, and it makes me really sad. I can't believe we're not gonna see its ending. *whining like a 5 year old*

Me too...
And what makes me so sad, is not only will it not be finished, but now we can't even enjoy what was written. I really identified with this story, and now I'm feeling a little lost, or something.

And possibly a little overly dramatic, as well...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I know what I want to do with my life, but not how to get started, and I really think that's going to be the hardest part for me. My life's a mess right now and has been for a long time and I'm still pretty much at a loss for how to put it right. I thought I would be starting to take classes again in a month, but it looks like I've screwed that up, and it was going to be the one semester I'd have to take classes for free. College is majorly expensive and I'm looking at several years of it and I'm scared of the college itself cause I've never been good at applying myself, but I'm more scared of the money, and I'm also overwhelmed by the idea of picking a school for next fall. There are so many choices, and I'm struggling to force myself not to look at tuition costs as the only factor.

[BeMyDeputy]

@KiWy: Parents sometimes surprise. Sometimes they don't. Hang in there. I normally don't endorse bi people trying to "pass" as straight (as it makes full blown gay folk angry at us), but if you think you're actually in danger of being kicked out of the house or cut off financially, that's exactly what you should do until you can stand on your own two feet. Then, if they react poorly, you can get along until they come around. They almost always do.

--

My fiance has a blog about video games. It's really well done, and has had video game developers tell him how good it is. He's been published in a big gaming magazine. But since we can't afford to advertise for his blog, few people read it, as it can really only spread by word of mouth. None of the people who do read it leave comments: usually because he's said what there is to say.

Today I was all excited because someone bumped my story asking for the next update (I'm working on it, really! Holidays+finals+it looks like this chapter might be 5000 words=lag time). I told him how flatteredI was that someone would bother.

Since people positively comment on my work (at a community site) and no one comments on his work (on a standalone site), he's bummed that I'm more 'successful' than he is, and asked me not to talk about me doing well. So now I feel crappy that he feels bad that I'm good at something.

*headdesk*

[SJ]

Does your fiance have a FB page? Cause maybe he can post a link on there to his blog.
I'm a gamer and like reading about video games so I would read it and leave feedback and I'm sure other gamers would too.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

When my little sister was about 10 or 11 she started having horrible migraines. The frequency increased over the next year or so, and by the time she was 12 she spent more time with migraines than without, and it stayed this way until about the time she turned 16, when they started to lessen about though they have by no means gone away in the last year and a half.
When one of my older sisters was 12 or 13, she started very suddenly having awful migraines accaompanied with fever. She was taken to the ER and various specialists, had MRIs and other tests, but they never figured out what was wrong, and since there are no effective migraine meds for kids there was essentially nothing they could do. The fever part went away and the migraines lessened, though she still had them a lot until she was about 15.
When my little sis's migraines started, my stepmom assumed it was the same as with my big sister. She never went to doctors or had MRIs. Now she's 17 and we just found out she has a huge brain cyst, and I can't help thinking about how much sooner we could have known if my stepmom had tried as hard to help her as she did with my older sister.
Logically I know it probably wouldn't have made a difference, since the doctors think the cyst either isn't growing or doing so very very slowly, and there's a good chance all it would have meant is we started worrying 6 years earlier, but at least we would have known. I know I shouldn't in any way resent or blame my stepmom with all this happening, I know she's always done the best she could for her girls and my brother and me and I'm sure she's as scared as anyone, but I can't help feeling like she should have done more back then.

I don't want to be scared for my sis, and I don't want these negative feelings toward my family :(

[Nue]

Jas, I know how are you feeling... and it´s sucks.. cause we want to think just good things and send them positive energies, but we can´t help to wonder about bad things... it´s the same way with me, about my mother...

if you need to talk, just let me know, ok? ^^



my turn: mother is home again, after 10 days at the hospital... tthey pulled the drain of one of her lungs and the other one isn´t yet visible due Pleural Effusion. one of my aunts is going there this Sunday to shave her head because her hair is falling. I'm with my head so freakinsh full and I have like hundreds of problems to resolve, but the damn Brazilian bureaucracy keeps slaping my face...

Worse, my stepmom´s mother passed away yesterday ... she was a sweet old lady and I gonna miss her... but I don´t know how to comfort my stepmom...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Thanks, Clarisse, as always. I'm sorry about your mom, and your stepmom. Sounds like life's really sucky for you right now, so sending lots of hugs your way.

My crappy: I kept getting sent home early this week, which means I lost over $20 in pay, and with both Christmas and New Years coming up I'll be about 8 hours short the next two weeks. I'm barely getting by without taking money from my (ever dwindling) savings as it is, I so can't afford this... *sigh* A woman I work with had said she might want to hire me sometime as a babysitter, but today she took that back so I won't even get that extra $30 :(

[Sandman78]

This Christmas bites. It's no fun being broke during the holidays. Bum humbug.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I just realized that I won't get to see my sister pregnant and it makes me indescribably sad. There's a good chance I'll be moving back to where I'm from, or at least near there, not long after my niece or nephew is born, but there's no way I'll have the money to visit in the next 7 months. It pretty much breaks my heart to think of completely missing that part of my sister and her baby's lives.

[willowtarabuffyfaith]

I really miss seeing my Dad every weekend...I feel more comfortable with him then I do at home with my mum and sister...So coming home today after spending the weekend having fun and just being father and daughter and running in the snow I started crying...For no apparent reason either.

I feel like there's this hole in my chest and I have no idea how to make it stop...At this moment in time I don't feel like I fit in anywhere not at home or with my friends.

It's sometimes really hard because I get into these dark moods where I just want to curl up and cry...For no reason and I shouldn't feel this way. These moods happen a lot...I just want to be able to take a comment from someone and not want to break down crying or started berating myself over something stupid...

Sorry for being all rambley I had to get this off my chest...I feel better now that i've done that

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I hate for feeling like a terrible person for putting myself first for once. I wish moving back home didn't have to tear my roommates' lives upside down, but I can't keep putting their needs before my own. Having to move back is stressful enough without the added guilt over throwing their lives out of whack and essentially leaving them homeless.
I know I'm making the right choice for me, but I also know two very dear friends will probably hate me for it. We were finally starting to feel like friends again, and now I'm going to loose them maybe for good...

[Nue]

My dear aunt passed away today... she had a stroke a few days ago and yesterday, my dad told me she was better, ready to go back home...

I can´t even describe how broken I am right now...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sending you lots of hugs Clarisse, I'm so sorry for your loss.

My crappy is that my chest and throat hurt like hell :(

[W&T]

I've been 20 years old for 13 minutes and I've already fallen back on bad habits. 'Happy Birthday Granddaughter' and 'Niece' cards are not what I needed.
It's also been more than a year of my mother ignoring my coming out and continuing to call me by my birthname instead of Samuel.

:(

[CrazyTaraWitch]

The dog we had since I was 7 died last night. It was her time to go and I believe she's at peace now, but it's still hard. I think what I'm saddest about is that I wasn't around to say goodbye.

[tetyline]

I can't take all the drama... is driving me crazy!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My (soon to be ex) roommates made me grumpy again. I was planning to offer a divide of the Buffy stuff we bought together, but instead they just took the half they wanted and told me after the fact. Now they did put in an equal share towards the things we bought, but considering that they owe me tons of money, I find it pretty shitty of them to take their share without even asking how I wanted to divide it. But then I'm getting very used to shitty things from them.
*sigh* At least I'll be gone in a few days and never have to have anything to do with them again. It's hard to believe they used to be two of my best friends, much less people I actually respected.

[Finey_McFine]

Feeling a little crappy today. I dreamt about my cousin again last night. He committed suicide 8 years ago, he was 36 and left 3 small boys behind. He was my best friend and I loved him more than anything.

It's the same reoccurring dream that I've had since he died. It's always the same, I go back, I try to stop him and I fail every time. He just smiles at me and walks away.

I miss him dearly. I was the last person he talked to before he did it and logically I know it's not my fault, but deep down I still feel like I should have done more.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm sending you lots of hugs Finey_McFine, that sounds like such a terrible thing to go through.

My crappy isn't exactly a crappy, it's more just a kicking-myself feeling. I just found out my brother-in-laws will be at our family 'Christmas' today, which is kinda nice cause I really like one of them and haven't seen him in a long time, but I never know what to get them so I don't have presents for them. I barely figured out Christmas presents for my parents and sisters, and now I've got two people I don't have presents for and it makes me kinda feel like a dummy.

[willowtarabuffyfaith]

I was walking my dog today and she got attacked by two other dogs. They were large labrador type dogs and she's a jack russell...one had her back in its mouth and was dragging her away. I've never been so scared or terrified in my life.
The owner of the dogs was trying to get them off, even hitting her dog in the head repeatedly. I was so scared they were going tear her apart.
When i got home i was nearly hysterical and shaking and sobbing. I have small rope burns on my hands from her lead when i was trying to pull her away.
I don't feel safe enough to walk her on my own any more. I'm crying now just writing this.
Today has been the most terrifying day of my life so far...I really thought I was going to lose my dog.

[BeMyDeputy]

@willowtarabuffyfaith
Eek! Poor you! Poor puppy!
Internet hugs!