The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My computer has been having numerous problems for a couple weeks now that I couldn't figure out a way to fix, so my brother, who's decently knowledgeable about technology whereas I am a complete dolt, suggested reformatting. I *finally* got all my files backed up on an external hard drive today, but then when I searched my computer for info about reformatting I couldn't find anything remotely useful, so I asked my brother for help. He poked around and found where there was a button to format, except the button was greyed out so that it couldn't actually be pushed. He suggested I search online for info and promised to help more if I still couldn't figure it out, but after hours I am still completely confused and he was busy so I'm still stuck and really want to having my computer working right again :(
I find technology very frustrating.

[nightmask]

;.; I'm sick and stuck in the car waiting for my mom and grandma to finish shopping at fairway. I got up today at 7 because my throat kept bothering me, I've tried everything to help it too! I've been drinking tea and gargling salt water and had literally a whole entire bag of cough drops and I still feel like shit :/
To top it off the next two weeks are regents review so I can't miss class or I'm screwed -.-
Im also having trouble focusing so I can't write during my free time this sucks D:

[SJ]

Try Manuka Honey 10+ from Health Food Stores.

[JujuDeRoussie]

So there is no driver to download to install my printer because it's supposed to be found through Windows Update... But somehow my 6 years old printer still has no driver. So I've pent the last half hour roaming the internet in search of an actual driver for my printer on windows 7 32 bits... ()% of the websites tell me that Windows Update will find it.
Why the hell should I change my printer? It still works fine when it manages to be installed. Thing is, it used to work. Damn it.

So in short my crappy is: Windows Update sucks donkey balls. I should be able to do things manually if I want to.

[Zooeys_Bridge]

Feeling an aching loneliness tonight

[gorn]

I'm so goddamn sleepy, it's Inventory Day today, and I missed posting in the "It's Just Thursday, MKF!" thread yesterday. A trifecta of suck.

Perhaps a litttle coffee will help.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I "met" a very pretty woman last night and was way too much of a chicken to talk to her, or most of the other people I met last night. She was almost certainly straight and 10000% out of my league, but she was gorgeous and seemed nice and while shaking her head I *think* I said hi (though I couldn't swear to it) and then I didn't say another word to her, even though we were more or less in the same group of people. Sometimes I really hating being so shy, but I honestly don't know how to break of my shell :(
It would be nice to make friends...

[Rachel]

I *hate* being sick. I feel like every single thing is put on hold because all I want/need to do is sleep. I feel crappy and aggravated, my head's all stuffed up and I can't hear a thing. I can't get any work done and I can't even go walk. I'm stuck in my bed for almost a week just wanting to be better. Hopefully, I'll have the energy to do a weeks worth of work when I finally feel 100%.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

A couple weeks ago my 17-year-old sister, who has more experience but less maturity than her years might suggest, moved in with her boyfriend, right on the heels of getting her GED (which was very sudden, and came as a surprise since she was scheduled to finish high school within the next 2 or 3 months) and the first job that she's stuck with for more than a couple of days and not long after stopping taking all her bipolar meds all at once without consulting a doctor. This worried me from the start, though with her boyfriend's parents being the ones paying for the apartment there's at least not much chance of her getting in trouble financially; however moving out before you're ready and especially moving in with a significant other when the relationship is still fairly new and you're both that young can have plenty of difficulties aside from money, and knowing my sister even if the situation gets bad (and she has a trackrecord for relationships that end up getting bad, including her first major boyfriend when she was 12 who became physically and sexually abusive) she's not likely to move back in with our parents cause to her that would be giving up.
I'm sure living with a significant other is always an adjustment and often a difficult one, but hearing her talk today... I don't think she's happy and I don't think she made the right choice. I know she loves her boyfriend, but she's blaming him for everything, giving him a really bad rap and taking no responsibility for any difficulties in the situation. I know my sister, and she is a slob. I love her dearly, but she makes me look neat and that is saying a lot. But she blames every bit of the mess, and anything else that has gone wrong, on him, and though I have no proof I feel confident not everything has been his fault, cause I've seen way too much of her not taking responsibility for her messes over the years to believe she's suddenly become perfect.

I know this is a mistake she has to make for herself and there's absolutely nothing I can do, but god it's hard not to say something. She's just not ready for this; everyone seems to know it but her. I'm all for people living their own lives and I kind of hate that I think I know what's best right now, but I just don't want to see her get hurt.
Her life has been too rough already and I just wish I could protect her :(

[vazy]

I'm just so annoyed and sad. I was meant to meet up with my best friends to hang out for my birthday, so we finally got round to it. I love my best friends to bits and I've known them both since we were about 8. So we met up and they immediately dragged me to buy alcohol with themv. I hate alcohol and they know that but they were already slightly hammered when I saw them anyway. All in all I spent the night listening to them babble on and on about sex and their boyfriends and stuff I don't like. The worst part of it all was they forget about me most of the time and what I like.

I spent the night sitting in silence with my two best friends having a riot. And I just don't fit any more and I don't know what to do without them but they seem just fine without me.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm having one of my random nights where no matter how much I eat I feel starving. Usually I attribute that feeling to a lack of proper nutrition, but I've actually been good today. I even ate spinach leaves, granted not a lot of them but sense I never eat vegetables anything at all is huge for me. I had fruit, both in the form of juice and olives; I got protein from 2 servings of beans; I had cheese and even a little milk for dairy; I had 4 biscuits, 2 servings of mashed potatoes, 1-2 servings of rice, 4 or 5 tostada shells, and a bunch of crackers for grains. And despite all that my stomach feelings like a black hole.
I hate hate hate this feeling :(

[CrazyTaraWitch]

This turned out to be a longer rant than intended, so I apologize.

I am completely at a loss at the moment. My feelings aren't exactly crappy so much as... confused and disconcerted, but as those are sucky feelings I guess it still qualifies.
I just got the strangest text of my life, and I really really really hope it was a mistake/sent to me by accident.

See, a few weeks ago I became friends with this guy, which is basically a first for me; I had 3 or 4 guys, most of them gay, I was friendly with in school, but none that I ever socialized with outside of a school. I don't generally get a long with guys, especially straight ones. I have nothing against males, I just usually find it difficult to relate to them and am much more comfortable with females. Anyway, I met this guy, J, at a big group gathering with absolutely no one I knew, and after that we started hanging out every Saturday to watch our favorite tv show together, sometimes with other people and sometimes just the two of us. At his suggestion we also hung out once outside of our Doctor Who nights, and parts of the evening were fun but I know he was bothered by my anti-social behaviour (I am very introverted and horrible at meeting people) when we were with his friends, and he gave me the impression that he had little desire to hang out with me again outside of our weekly tv watching, which was fine with me cause though I had a pretty good time going to dinner and to bars and hanging out with people I don't know isn't my thing. That was almost 2 weeks ago and we've hung both Saturdays since, but this past Saturday was the mid-season-finale and there won't be any new episodes until September, so when he brought me home he suggested that maybe we'd hang out on the occasional Saturday or maybe we'd just see each other in the fall when Doctor Who returned. We left things up in the air like, neither of us seeming particularly concerned about if or when we'd see each other.

This guy knows I'm gay; we've talked extensively about hot girls, and even a little about relationships and such. There's definitely no question in his mind. Once after I told him that I went to school barefoot once he jokingly said something like "That's hot, why can't you be straight", but I was certain at the time that he was just kidding. He is a very outgoing guy, about the opposite of me; he loves to drink while I have yet to find a drink I even like; he considers himself conservative while I am very liberal; he is a huge carnivore while I don't eat meat. I honestly do not believe I am in any way his type, and he's never given me the impression that he was in any way attracted to me.

So why the hell did I just get a text from him saying he "adored" me and asking if I wanted to go out with him??

If he hadn't said he "adored" me I would think he was just proposing that we hang out as friends like we did before, but adoration seems to imply something very different. I'm not sure if it was meant as a joke (he has a rather odd since of humor and likes to make people's lives exciting), or if he meant he adored me like I'm adorable (cause sometimes he treats me a bit like a kid, even though he's only a couple years older than me) and it was completely platonic, or if he meant to send the text to someone else, or if he was actually asking me out on a date. All I know is this frustrating and confusing and I'm going to ignore it, cause I don't want to turn him down for a date if he wasn't actually asking me on a date... Ugggh I don't know what to do here. I want to just ignore this, it feels like the sensible thing to do, yet I'm worried he'll be offended if he doesn't hear from me.

Maybe the feelings are crappy afterall...

[CrazyTaraWitch]

This turned out to be a longer rant than intended, so I apologize.

I am completely at a loss at the moment. My feelings aren't exactly crappy so much as... confused and disconcerted, but as those are sucky feelings I guess it still qualifies.
I just got the strangest text of my life, and I really really really hope it was a mistake/sent to me by accident.

See, a few weeks ago I became friends with this guy, which is basically a first for me; I had 3 or 4 guys, most of them gay, I was friendly with in school, but none that I ever socialized with outside of a school. I don't generally get a long with guys, especially straight ones. I have nothing against males, I just usually find it difficult to relate to them and am much more comfortable with females. Anyway, I met this guy, J, at a big group gathering with absolutely no one I knew, and after that we started hanging out every Saturday to watch our favorite tv show together, sometimes with other people and sometimes just the two of us. At his suggestion we also hung out once outside of our Doctor Who nights, and parts of the evening were fun but I know he was bothered by my anti-social behaviour (I am very introverted and horrible at meeting people) when we were with his friends, and he gave me the impression that he had little desire to hang out with me again outside of our weekly tv watching, which was fine with me cause though I had a pretty good time going to dinner and to bars and hanging out with people I don't know isn't my thing. That was almost 2 weeks ago and we've hung both Saturdays since, but this past Saturday was the mid-season-finale and there won't be any new episodes until September, so when he brought me home he suggested that maybe we'd hang out on the occasional Saturday or maybe we'd just see each other in the fall when Doctor Who returned. We left things up in the air like, neither of us seeming particularly concerned about if or when we'd see each other.

This guy knows I'm gay; we've talked extensively about hot girls, and even a little about relationships and such. There's definitely no question in his mind. Once after I told him that I went to school barefoot once he jokingly said something like "That's hot, why can't you be straight", but I was certain at the time that he was just kidding. He is a very outgoing guy, about the opposite of me; he loves to drink while I have yet to find a drink I even like; he considers himself conservative while I am very liberal; he is a huge carnivore while I don't eat meat. I honestly do not believe I am in any way his type, and he's never given me the impression that he was in any way attracted to me.

So why the hell did I just get a text from him saying he "adored" me and asking if I wanted to go out with him??

If he hadn't said he "adored" me I would think he was just proposing that we hang out as friends like we did before, but adoration seems to imply something very different. I'm not sure if it was meant as a joke (he has a rather odd since of humor and likes to make people's lives exciting), or if he meant he adored me like I'm adorable (cause sometimes he treats me a bit like a kid, even though he's only a couple years older than me) and it was completely platonic, or if he meant to send the text to someone else, or if he was actually asking me out on a date. All I know is this frustrating and confusing and I'm going to ignore it, cause I don't want to turn him down for a date if he wasn't actually asking me on a date... Ugggh I don't know what to do here. I want to just ignore this, it feels like the sensible thing to do, yet I'm worried he'll be offended if he doesn't hear from me.

Maybe the feelings are crappy afterall...

[Finey_McFine]

So, I've been working on cleaning out my closet for the last 3 days and today I realized why I've been dragging it out. It's because it holds a lot of memories...lot's of old pictures and letters. With email and Facebook, you delete or digitally file things away, but these I came across are tangible items; things that have meaning.

Yesterday I came across a picture from the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios California from 1997. As I looked at it I thought, 'this should be a happy memory,' and it was, but it's tinged with sadness. It was taken on a work trip with the best group of people I've ever had the pleasure of working with. When I looked at it I realized that it was one of the only pictures I have of my friend Kevin; he was one of the sweetest, funniest people on the planet and I miss him dearly.

Kevin had juvenile Diabetes and passed away 5 years ago 2 weeks before his 40th birthday. In 1998, at 32 yrs old, he had a minor stroke, a heart attack and underwent triple bypass surgery. He was never the same after that and it was sad, but he was alive. He seemed to be fine, but then out of the blue he had a major heart attack and this time his body just gave out.

I saw his picture and it made me smile because I remembered how much fun we all had on that trip. Then today, I came across the shirt he bought for me when he went to Hawaii in 1995 and I just burst out crying. I had forgotten all about the shirt, but as soon as I saw it...every memory of him just came flooding back.

It's so hard growing older and losing those closest to you. During my closet cleaning, I also realized that, in the last 10 years I've lost 10 people: 2 suicides and the rest "natural causes." Boy do I wish that I could turn back the clock sometimes.

[vazy]

My best friend just texted me, she gets severely depressed often. It hasn't happened in awhile but I'm so worried that its happening again. I got her through last time but not without a lot of bad stuff happening to my mind set. I don't know if I can do this again.

[KiWy]

Getting delayed a bit on when i finish this scholar year, although it's just two days, so it'll be alright...

[Rachel]

I don't like when good things change. I also don't like when you hear a song that reminds you of something from the past that was happy and now just makes you sad.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Today I started fun-planning a trip to England for later this summer. It started out as a joke, but the more I thought about it and the more I talked to my friend brit pea, who I would be staying with, the more it seemed like a great idea. I knew I shouldn't really spend the money, but I also knew I *could*, and the timing would be perfect cause I'm gonna have almost 2 weeks between when my classes end and when I go back to working full time, plus I could see two actors I love in a Shakespeare play which would be amazing. I got really really excited about it all and had tons of fun planning, and then my mom stopped by.
I love my mom, but she does have a knack for ruining my hyper moods. Sometimes I want to have *fun*, be a little impulsive, and she always acts like I'm so immature and irresponsible for even considering it. She makes me feel guilty for not just wanting to put every dime toward savings and moving out again. I have over $4000 in the bank that I saved entirely on my own, I've paid for my own tuition and textbooks since my second semester of college, I lent my mom $2000 last year that she's still in the process of paying me back, I've lived independently of my parents, I clean up my own messes, and I've traveled on my own. I'm pretty damn mature and responsible for my age. So why can my mom make me feel like complete shit in no time flat?

[Gaga01]

Today was supposed to be my graduating day from college. My best friend from college was alone on the school stairs today for her pics, and I should've been there too. I don't regret my decision of cancelling two classes last year and lift my school load by taking 4 courses instead of 5 because if I hadn't I would have end up dropping altogether, but still. It hurts. It upsets me. I feel like crying. I knew this day would come and no matter how much I told myself I'd probably feel like that, I didn't think I'd be that upset over it. :(

[JustSkipIt]

It's not actually that I'm feeling crappy. Just fucking exhausted. 1. My period is due any moment which always makes me exhausted and starving. 2. It's been non-stop - farm trip, work, Rachel going to a wake out of town, and now her niece staying with us for a week. And we have to take her home Sunday. Ash is in morning camp. And Rachel is all kinds of emotional and shit. And every evening this week I've come home to at least an hour of kitchen mess to clean and dinner to make. Literally - an hour at least. I didn't run this morning because I'm just so fucking tired. And work ... much of it... hard... long...

Tired.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I don't live in New York, but what's going on with their attempts to get gay marriage passed is very distressing all the same. Since the NY senate currently appears to be split down the middle or whether or not to pass the bill, it looks like the governor will be making concessions to the conservatives, giving away huge rights same-sex couples currently have in NY if married out of state for the sake of marriages within NY. I am (obviously) a big supporter of marriage equality, but that would not be equality. It saddens me greatly to think of how much the potential changes to the bill could damage the rights of the people it's intended to protect. Marriage isn't worth it if it legalizes discrimination, especially since in a year, or 5, or 10, this bill as it currently stands, uncompromised, could likely be passed, whereas if this bill passes now with concessions to the religious right it could stay on the books for far longer.

Sometimes the state of the world just pisses me off. I also really hate the governor here, but that's a whole nother rant I'm too exhausted for...

[brave-little-toaster]

I'm at college orientation, waiting for my temporary roomid to arrive, realizing I am probably the least preppy girl I've seen since arriving, and seeing that the GSA seems to have been taken off the list of clubs to be offered this year. Well crap.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm finding it very hard to stay focused today. I realized yesterday that I had an assignment due last weekend (I knew the due date was coming, but thought the teacher would send out a reminder since she usually keeps us very informed) and I've been trying to finish it up but I have no focus and very little drive. I also have a test that I had planned to take today until I realized about the late assignment, so now I'm having to push it to tomorrow, which means I will probably have to put off seeing an adviser (which I really need to do to talk about my major and receiving my financial aid) until either Tuesday, after I go observe at a daycare, or Wednesday before class. I know I don't really have that much to do since I'm barely working right now, but I've been enjoying actually getting to hang out with friends lately and now this week is looking very full so I probably won't get to socialize at all. What feels like the worst part about it at the moment is the knowledge that I could probably get enough done today that I *could* potentially have time later in the week for hanging but feeling so unfocused and distracted and demotivated and borderline-out-of-it that I know I won't get enough done to enjoy myself later.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I found out last night that my brother's girlfriend, K, and their two cats are moving to Montana, where K's from, in a couple of weeks, and my brother is planning to follow in a couple of months once K has gotten enough "space". I've been renting my mom's house since January, and my brother, J, and K and their cats moved in around the start of April. I had been dreading their move, as I liked having the house to myself and my brother had been a very poor roommate in the past, plus I'd never met K, but almost as soon as they got here I found that I was quite happy to have them around. It changed a bit when my grandfather moved in a few weeks later, but I still enjoyed K's company, and had the occasional pleasant conversation with J, and I fell in love with watching their kitten play with my grandfather's chihuahua. Now K and the kitties are leaving which breaking my brother's heart, and even though I don't spend any real time with K I'm going to miss her, and I will very much miss the kitten. I was surprised at how sad I was over the thought I've my brother leaving as well. J and I have never been close, and were quite antagonistic towards each other for a lot of years, but we've established a somewhat-awkward friendship over the last couple of years, and most importantly we've learned to respect each other. I think what I'm really going to miss is music. Right before my brother moved off to Oregon, where he met K, last July, our family made a cd of all of us playing and singing together. When J returned, we immediately started making plans for a second recording, and just our usual kitchen-music-get-togethers. He's been back nearly 3 months and we haven't had the whole famdamnly together for music once. And now he's getting ready to move away again, as soon as K feels stable enough to resume a relationship full-time. January-March I was back in Austin while my brother was still away, and the family gathered for music once in that time, but everybody agreed it just felt *wrong* without J; our songs don't sound the same without a fiddle and a second male voice. If he and K last, I think J will be gone for good this time. Which means random Sundays sitting around playing music, eating food, and shooting the shit will be gone for good too; I know he'll come visit, but it will never be the same again. With my nephew about to arrive I'm not even sure we'll get a family gathering like that before my brother's gone.

It's probably silly, but I feel like something very special is about to be lost.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Looks like I probably won't be able to meet my nephew until this weekend :(

[JustSkipIt]

Sometimes I just can't believe my job. I mean... I used to be so good at my job. I am a good programmer. I know how to write code and how to write test plans and ... I don't know. A few months ago my (then) boss went off on me about a piece of software. She hadn't been involved in the design of it but this year she needs to use it and she wanted it all changed. I made the changes. Then she wouldn't respond about putting them in production. Finally it was crucial that it go to production. We pushed it the day before my vacation. Before leaving for vacation I told my team members and help desk, hey, I'm taking my computer. Call if you need anything.

I got back yesterday and had like 40 e-mails about the app and one of my co-workers says he spent the entire week fixing stuff. Well he "fixed" 3 things. One was user error and user ignorance and didn't need fixed. One he fixed wrong. One was legitimate. And one was user error but he didn't know the backstory on it. He didn't call me. No one called me. Then this afternoon my new boss asked to speak to me right before I left to say stuff went wrong on this. Let's not put stuff in production right before vacation. Lets make sure that someone else knows everything to know about it. I said that I said to call me. He says "by e-mail"? Holy fuck. By e-mail? No, I said it personally. It's not like I work with 900 people. I told 4 people. Then he says that in the future he wants me to tell him right away when something like this comes up so he's not caught off guard.

Ok. That's all reasonable. But when did I become this person? This employee? I mean... I'm a good worker. I do good work. So how come shit keeps going wrong and I feel like I'm on the verge of getting in trouble all the time? How do I do better? Evaluations are coming up soon and I'll be interested so see if I get a bad one. I've never had a bad one but shit... I just don't know. I can't tell what expectations are any more. I mean maybe this stuff is like blips but I just can't judge anymore. Or maybe I'm really in trouble. I keep telling myself that usually before they fire someone, they first do a bunch of probation and counseling but fuck if I know.

Shit.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Had to start my morning cleaning cat poo off the bathroom floor. Not a pleasant way to being my day; 3 hours later I'm still a bit grumpy about it.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My best friend is spending a few weeks in Texas, but Sunday morning-Friday evening she's working at a camp a couple of hours away, so she's only in town about a day and a half each week; however, before she started last Sunday she was in town for a few days and we hung out twice and had a great time. She told me she was most likely spending this weekend in San Antonio, but I told her to let me know if that changed and she said she would. I heard from her a couple times this week and she never mentioned a change in her plans, but just now I found out that she's in town. A part of me wants to call to see if she wants to hang out, because I know sometimes she just forgets things and I'd love to see (since most of the year she's a couple thousand miles away), but a big part of me thinks she didn't tell me she was in town cause she just didn't want to see me. We've got plans to camp next weekend and I know likes time to herself and has other people to see besides so I would have completely understood if she told me she was in town but was busy or didn't feel like seeing anyone or whatever, but the fact she didn't tell me when she said she would bothers me. It hurts my feelings and makes me grumpy, and I don't want to be grumpy with her cause I'm sure she wasn't trying to be rude, so I know I won't call which bums me out more cause it means I'm missing out on whatever possibility there would be that we maybe *could* hang out.

ETA: She called me, which is nice cause it made me feel like she did want to see me, but we spent half and hour making plans for tonight, then we hung up, and literally 30 seconds later she called back to cancel. I know she doesn't do it on purpose, but it's so fucking frustrating when she cancels last minute

[Boschi]

It's hot, hot, hot here, with heat warnings in effect through the end of the week. Trying to work outside is an exercise in brutal stupidity; after 10 minutes you are drowning in sweat, after 30 minutes your brain doesn't work so well. I'm drinking about a quart and half of water an hour and I never need to pee - I just sweat it all out. Gross, no?

The plants are getting wilty, despite irrigation and I have three seeded beds that didn't germinate at all because the soil was just to hot. The plants that do germinate sometimes "cook", and just shrivel up and die. It is fucking insane.

I can handle three or 4 days of this, but this bullshit started early last week and won't let up for another 4 days. I am brain-cooked, cranky, exhausted and losing money because customers aren't coming to market.

Grump.

[Finey_McFine]

It's hot, hot, hot here, with heat warnings in effect through the end of the week. Trying to work outside is an exercise in brutal stupidity; after 10 minutes you are drowning in sweat, after 30 minutes your brain doesn't work so well. I'm drinking about a quart and half of water an hour and I never need to pee - I just sweat it all out. Gross, no?

The plants are getting wilty, despite irrigation and I have three seeded beds that didn't germinate at all because the soil was just to hot. The plants that do germinate sometimes "cook", and just shrivel up and die. It is fucking insane.

I can handle three or 4 days of this, but this bullshit started early last week and won't let up for another 4 days. I am brain-cooked, cranky, exhausted and losing money because customers aren't coming to market.

Grump.

Are you in Texas? Cuz that's just a normal summer day for us, lol. It's been like that here since May:(