Things that make you go hmmm? The general humor thread.

[tybee317]

This is a true story. This girlfriend and I were riding down the road, headed to a cabin on Smith Lake, Alabama. In front of a small church was one of those portable light signs that said "a sharp tongue can get you into a tight place". I still giggle and chuckle every time I think of that sign.

___________________



On a cellular level, I'm really quite busy!

[tkheaven]

Here's a link to a seller's feedback. His replies are hilarious!!



mizzelphug's eBay feedback

Tk's new and improved "GrrArgg"...Crazy? Crazy?? I do not talk to myself...it's called thinking aloud...

---

Tara ate her, devoured her from beneath. -The Edge of Silence giving new meaning to season seven's catch phrase.

bulldog: (gesturing to tk)"Can she get a Sloe Comfortable Screw Against the Wall?" female bartender: (laughing)"Honey, you're living in a fantasy world."

[justin]

Quote:

---

Okay this is seriously the funniest thing I have ever seen. I think it used to be a British kids show (if you read the thing on the page it explains)

---

OMG I used to watch that program. Scores of childhood memories have been ruined.



OTOH I was with laughter

--

Homer Simpson: When will people learn, democracy just doesn't work.

[oneyedchicklet]

Everyone I've showed this to has told me to post it on this thread. Enjoy!!



The Dildo Song



Just click through the commercial.



Love to All,

Barb

Now serving Bitter, party of one. Your table is ready.

[Warduke]

Stereoscopic



Have fun!

---

Firefox: One Browser To Rule Them All.

[amazonaa]

Here is a joke my friend told me. And me being kinda slow sometimes... I didn't quite get it at first.



Here it is.



A guy walks into a bar and says, "Ouch!". lol. I'm such a loser.





brittney





~Good friends help you move. Real friends help you move the body.~

Edited by: amazonaa at: 2/27/05 8:10 pm

[BFR from Paris]

www.angryalien.com/

[skittles]

I think this is old, but I only just found it....

Quote:

---

Making Some People Happy



The President, The First Lady & Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.



George looks at Laura chuckles & says, "you know I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now & make somebody very happy."



Laura shrugs her shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window & make 10 people very happy."



Cheney says, "Of course then, I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window & make a hundred people very happy."



The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them & says to his co-pilot, "Such big shots back there.... hell, I could throw all of them out the window & make 56 million people very happy."

---

skittles



"The problem with political jokes is how often they get elected."



"Closed minds always seem to be connected to open mouths"

[penguin of death]

BFR from Paris is right....



i'm not sure how often they're shown on the starz channel (we don't have the channel in the UK) but all of the shorts are hilarious.



titanic



don't fear the title... it is 30 seconds of brilliance.

[TaraBaby77]

I don't know how funny this could be, but I was pretty darn amused when I went to this site... very interesting... =)



www.zug.com/pranks/credit_card/

Aaron

'Tarababy77'

---

"Don't buy into all the media crap. Love yourself for who you are, not what others THINK you should look like. It's DEFINITELY more important in this life to love each other despite our imperfections." - Amber Benson

---

[Ben Varkentine]

That my mother, the homosexual, drives a Subaru. Of course, as it happens, do do I, the straight boy. But...



suburbanguerrilla.blogspo...blend.html

Ben



"We are strong now/Put down the ammunition/For what we know is right/Is gonna breakdown this division"

--Erasure, "It Doesn't Have To Be"

[skittles]

apparently this happened at the beginning of the month, but I didn't see anything about it... but I wish that I had!!



I got the article at CNN.com and you can see a picture of Pat (salad dressing'ed) with the article!!

Quote:

---

Pat Buchanan doused with salad dressing



Friday, April 1, 2005 Posted: 9:48 AM EST (1448 GMT)



KALAMAZOO, Michigan (AP) -- Commentator and former presidential candidate Pat Buchanan cut short an appearance after an opponent of his conservative views doused him with salad dressing.



"Stop the bigotry!" the demonstrator shouted as he hurled the liquid Thursday night during the program at Western Michigan University. The incident came just two days after another noted conservative, William Kristol, was struck by a pie during an appearance at a college in Indiana.



After he was hit, Buchanan cut short his question-and-answer session with the audience, saying, "Thank you all for coming, but I'm going to have to get my hair washed."



The demonstrator, identified by authorities as a 24-year-old student at Kalamazoo Valley Community College, was arrested and faces a misdemeanor charge of disturbing the peace. He was released on a $100 cash bond, pending his April 14 arraignment.



"He could have faced a felony assault charge, but Pat Buchanan decided to not press that charge," university spokesman Matt Kurz said.



Buchanan's visit had evoked controversy on campus because it fell on the birthday of the late Mexican-American labor leader Cesar Chavez. Buchanan favors tighter controls on immigration.



Kristol, editor of the influential conservative magazine The Weekly Standard and former chief of staff to Vice President Quayle, was splattered by a student during a speech Tuesday at Earlham College in Richmond, Indiana.



Members of the audience at the Quaker college jeered the student, then applauded as Kristol wiped the pie from his face and said, "Just let me finish this point." Kristol then completed his speech and took questions from the audience.



The student, who was not immediately identified, was suspended and could face expulsion following a disciplinary review, Earlham Provost Len Clark said Wednesday.



Clark also issued a written apology complimenting Kristol for his "graciousness."

---

skittles



"The problem with political jokes is how often they get elected."



"Closed minds always seem to be connected to open mouths"

[amber 4 prez]

This is something I thought was amusing, an animation by Don Hertzfeldt



gorillamask.net/billysballoon.shtml

[TaraBaby77]

LOL!!! Here is something for all of you that have had to call tech support for some computer issue... It takes a little time to load but definitely funny!!! Enjoy and take care. =)



www.bordergatewayprotocol.net/jon/humor/web_animations/india_tech_support.swf

Aaron

'Tarababy77'

---

"Don't buy into all the media crap. Love yourself for who you are, not what others THINK you should look like. It's DEFINITELY more important in this life to love each other despite our imperfections." - Amber Benson

---

[WebWarlock]

Hey all,



I was reading another board and this link was posted about the new World of Darkness RPG.



That got me remembering about the old Chick track "Dark Dungeons".



Well, much to my surprise, my old buddy Cole at PlanetAdnD.com put back up my old "MST3k: Dark Dungeons" parody!



Click and enjoy before old Chick threatens to sue me again!



Other Links:



www.planetadnd.com/humor/DD-MST3K/?file=dd-mst3k.php

www.rpglibrary.org/inspiration/darkdungeons/

www.fecundity.com/darkdung/

members.shaw.ca/mosiondz/mst3k-dd/

www.apostate.com/mst3k-dd/



Enjoy!



Warlock

Web Warlock, web.warlock@comcast.net, The Other Side.

Liber Mysterium: The D20 Netbook of Witches & The Dragon and the Phoenix: New Adventures of Willow and Tara

"Thats some powerful goodness." - Frozone, Mr. Incredible and Pals

Edited by: WebWarlock at: 4/18/05 11:11 am

[justin]

that was too funny



This line really resonated with me,

Quote:

---

Mike: Plus the women out number the men.

---

Since when I played D&D at school there was exactly 0 women in the group.



Then again, I used to play D&D and now I'm a Wiccan. So Maybe he had a point

--

Homer Simpson: When will people learn, democracy just doesn't work.



www.writingcircle.co.uk

[Tempest Duer]

You'd figure that religious folk would approve of the clear delineations of good and evil in a D&D game, and would only really disapprove of playing evil characters. But since when do religious fanatics make sense?

I got bitten by a drunk lesbian! Does that mean I'll turn into one?



~my friend Mary

[eirnlove]

http://www.newgrounds.com

especially britney spears section.

[Ben Varkentine]

http://www.theagitator.com/archives/DMN04-26-05.jpg

N-uh-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

[Ben Varkentine]

http://www.theagitator.com/archives/DMN04-26-05.jpg

N-uh-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...

[justin]

It seems that Darth Vader has his very own weblog. So if you want to know what it's like to be a dark lord of sith, you can find out here

http://darthside.blogspot.com/2005_04_01_darthside_archive.html

[skittles]

I just found this & it made me laugh!!!

Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that the women customarily walked 5 paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. From Ms. Walters vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even FURTHER back behind their husbands and are happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?"

The women looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes and without hesitation, said "Land mines."

Moral of the story: Behind every man is a smart woman!

[FloatingRose]

http://www.newgrounds.com

especially britney spears section.

I found this while looking in that section... let it be known that I wish no actual violence on the pepsi girl, I thought the commercials were funny...

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view.php?id=14361

[Shinnen]

What happened to the Chickens who crossed the road?

http://news.yahoo.com/news?tmpl=story&u=/ap/20050509/ap_on_fe_st/chicken_ticketed

[xita]

hee a little fun at the expense of arrogant scientology freak

http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoon ... holmes.asp

[Warduke]

[Naeryn]

These are absolutely hilarious! I've actually done some of them, and let me tell you, you'll get some WEIRD looks!

101 THINGS TO DO IN WAL-MART

1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

4. Start playing Football; see how many people you can get to join in.

5. Run up to an employee (preferrebly a male) while squeezing your legs together and practically yell at him "I need some tampons!!"

6. Try on bras in the sewing/fabric department.

7. Try on bras over top of your clothes.

8. Make a trail of orange juice on the ground, leading to the restrooms

9. While walking around the store, sing in your loudest voice possible "sex and candy"

10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".

12. Play with the automatic doors.

13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this shit, anyway?"

15. Repeat #14 in the jewelry department.

16. Try putting different pairs of women's panties on your head and walk around the store casually.

17. Leave small sacrifices or gifts in the hands of the mannequins.

18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

20. Put M&M's on layaway.

21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.

23. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.

24. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

26. TP as much of the store as possible.

27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

31. Look right into the security camera, and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

33. Take bets on the battle described above.

34. Set up another battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. G.I. Janes. (Red lipstick might give an interesting effect!!!)

35. While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.

36. While no one's watching quickly switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the rest room.

37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

40. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

41. Fill your cart with boxes of condoms, and watch everyone's jaws drop when you attempt to buy them.

42. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

43. Two words: "Marco Polo."

44. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,etc.

45. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

46. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

47. Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "the fat man walks alone," and scare them into believing that the clothes are talking to them

48. While walking around alone, pretend someone is with you and get into a very serious conversation. Exp: The person is breaking up with you and you begin crying "How could you do this to me? I thought you loved me! I knew there was another girl, but I thought I had won. You kissed ME darling." Then act as though you are being beaten and fall onto the ground screaming and having convulsions.

49. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

50. Go to an empty checkout stand and try to check people out.

51. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

52. Get a stuffed animal and go to the front of the store and begin stroking it lovingly, saying "Good girl, good bessie."

53. Go over to the shoe department and try on every pair of shoes, not putiing one pair back. Take the paper from the boxes and throw it in various aisles.

54. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something,quickly make off with it without saying a word.

55. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

56. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

57. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

58. In the makeup department, spray yourself with every perfume there is, then walk up to a boy who is with another girl and start flirting with him in that annoying, ditsy way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign?(giggle)." When the boy shows no interest, start hitting on the girl the exact same way. "hi!!!! (giggle) What's your sign? (giggle)."

59. Hold indoor shopping cart races.

60. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.

61. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

62. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

63. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

64. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

65. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

66. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

67. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

68. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.

69. Get boxes of Condoms and randomly put them in peoples carts when they don't realize it.

70. Get an empty book, and say it's a guest book. Get people to sign.

71. Play a game of indoor freeze tag

72. Drive around the entrances screaming out the window "the British are coming"

73. Have a team race with your friends- one person sits in the cart, the other pushes

74. Go to the checkout and buy a bar of candy. Repeat, going to the same cash register, until the clerk notices

75. Fill your cart up as much as possible, and then try to use the express lane

76. Use a bullhorn and occasionally say that there is free candy in aisle X (aisle X being the condom aisle)

77. Run into a pyramid of cans, heroically saing "I'm gonna save us from that bomb!"

78. Use a conveyer belt as a treadmill and lose some weight

79. Grab heavy but not too heavy objects, and see who can throw them the most aisles over.

80. When people aren't looking, put tampons in their carts if they are a guy, or if they are a gal, put in a jock strap.

81. Randomly direct people to the deodorant section

82. Tell someone that you will sue for false advertising, since they do not sell walls.

83. Take your boyfriend or girlfriend to the food section and have an expensive dinner.

84. Try to push your cart through a checkout without paying. When the clerk tries to stop you, kick in his balls (dont try it on a chick, it wont work), run, but leave the cart. See what happens.

85. If people arent looking at their cart, steal it.

86. Go to the gun section, saying "Can I buy a gun? I'm tired of that stupid smily face!"

87. Buy expensive stuff, go home and use wite-out and a pen to change the price to something much lower, and the total much higher, then return and demand a refund.

88. See how much stuff you can break before you get caught

89. Take a leak in the dressing rooms.

90. Repeadeately say "The clowns are not eating me."

91. Use fake checks, but sign them using your neighbors name.

92. Rearrange items as you see fit.

93. Take a full set of guy's clothes and a full set of gal's clothes, then leave them lying somewhere.

94. Put pokemon stuff in a cart that is full of stuff like KoRn and Limp Bizkit CDs

95. Grab condoms and stick them in everyone's face (only the opposite sex)

96. Do #95 but with the same sex (not recomended)

97. Grab stickers that say "radioactive" and put them randomly on food items.

98. Follow someone until they notice

99. Puoll out pins, like that guy form the 7up commercial

100. Loiter. When asked to leave, tell them you live here.

101. Record yourself while having sex, then have it play over and over gain in the middle of a clothes rack.





MENTAL HEALTH HOTLINE

Hello! Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline!

If you are Obsessive-Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly, being certain totouch the table and counting to 10 between each press.

If you are Co-Dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are Delusional, press 7, and your call will be transferred to the Mother Ship.

If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are Manic-Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one's going to answer anyway.

If you are Dyslexic, press 69696969696969. (This makes me laugh extra hard)

If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line.

If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number,date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.

If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911.

If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have Short-Term Memory Loss, please try your call again later.

If you have Low Self Esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are too busy to help worthless people like you.

And thank you for calling the Mental Health Hotline!




Also, check out this link: http://www.co.jyu.fi/~np/gameofsatan/

[Diebrock]

This is for all you coffee lovers out there.

1. Put the coin in the vending machine
2. Choose your drink
3. Click on the cup when it's ready
4. Click on "apri"

Don't forget Step 4!!!

http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf

[meretricious]

i was stuck for about 15 blocks the other day behind a chrysler town and country minivan driving slowly in the left lane. as if i weren't already tempted enough to run into his back bumper to speed him up, the car was covered in pro bush stickers. directly above his "boycott france" sticker where the chrysler logo was, someone had blackened out the h, s, and l so that what was left spelled "c ry er". subtle, but made me laugh, almost made it worth being stuck behind him.

[aceivan]

I couldn't resist posting this:

http://politicalhumor.about.com/library/jokes/bljokeindependence.htm

From John Cleese:

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Utah, which she does not fancy.) Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary".

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.

11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.

12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon - get used to it).

14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

16. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as in "clear" NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.


Len