The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)

[CrazyTaraWitch]

The first few days of my trip were completely incredible, and now I let girl problems get in the way and now... I wish I weren't even going to San Francisco tomorrow. I wish I were just going home, to wallow in bed and see my family and not feel obligated to go out and try to have fun. I hate that I got my hopes up so much, and that now I can't even enjoy my trip. Why didn't I just have the date and let the rest go, not ask questions I couldn't handle the answers to? Why couldn't I leave it all until after my trip so I could enjoy it all? I hate feeling this way, feeling crushed. I wasn't supposed to invest this much, I wasn't supposed to move fast and fall for her; I was supposed to take it slow and learn to date and be her friend more than anything. I started to cry over her earlier, and I made myself stop, because I'm on holiday and it's supposed to be fun and happy, and because I'm not supposed to care this much. I don't want to fall for someone who's scared of catching me.

[JustSkipIt]

This is so far beyond Crappy Feelings. This is profound sadness. Rachel called me a few hours ago. One of our friends/homeschooling families lost a child today. They have 4 children and he is 2nd oldest - 10 or 11. He was sick but not that sick and then got better and then worse so the mom took the kids to the hospital. An hour later he was dead. I don't even know... It's incomprehensible to me. The youngest child turned 4 today. This is her 4th birthday and her brother is dead.

I don't even know what else to say.

[Finey_McFine]

My Mom passed away today. My feelings are well beyond crappy.

[Grimm]

My Mom passed away today. My feelings are well beyond crappy.

I am so sorry, Shelby.

[JustSkipIt]

Shel - I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Kajun]

Shelby, I'm so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.

[BeMyDeputy]

Shelby, I'm so sorry. Many hugs.

[Finey_McFine]

Thanks everyone, it's been a rough week, but I'm managing.

[JustSkipIt]

I went to a child's funeral today. Last night was the visitation and today the Mass and then burial. It was all quite nice and I'm glad I went. That said, I hope I never need to go to another child's funeral. This was enough.

[JustSkipIt]

I'm in a funk and I know it. The other day my wife was in a rotten mood and then we had a fight in the evening because I said something stupid but I never even found out why she was mad at me in the morning. The next day we talked about it (fought about it) and she has no idea why she was mad at me in the morning but she does know why she was mad at me in the evening. Per most arguments this one is 100% my fault (her belief) and 0% her fault. I hate arguing but particularly with her because she's really good at arguing and I'm very bad at it and she always generalizes so that I know that I always suck and she is always great and suffering through my suckitude. And (probably obviously) I'm PMSing so I just can't get out of this funk. I feel like crying and I've tried to pray and be grateful for life but I just feel pissy. Oh, and I did something right before she left for work that she will be pissed at me for like the next 12 hours over as well. So there's that. Did I mention PMS?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

A friend of mine, Joe, passed away. It was 2 weeks ago tomorrow, but though I saw a hint of it a few days back I didn't want to believe, and didn't know for sure until yesterday. It feels very strange, because I hadn't talked to him in a couple months. He had fallen out of my life; the reasons no longer seem to matter, not that I even really knew what they were. I'm not sure how to grieve over this. The real crappy feelings, though, aren't for me, or even mostly for him.

He was young, just 41 or 42 I think, but he'd been sick a few months and... I think for himself he was mostly okay with going. But he wouldn't have wanted to leave people behind. He had a 15 year old son, whose mum died just last December; he's an orphan now. Joe didn't even have any family other than his kid, except me and another friend, cause he claimed each of us as his little sisters, but we were neither of us lucky enough to meet him in person, much less be part of his son's life. I don't know if the kid's mum had any family or not; I hope so because it kills me to think he'd be alone. No one should have to go through losing both parents within three months, let alone at the age of 15; I hope to hell he has people to be there for him. I feel so sad for him, and for Joe's other adopted sister and a good friend of his who are hurting so much and missing him like crazy right now.

I feel like such an idiot for never asking him what happened between us, for just letting it go and accepting that he was out of my life. Now that he's gone, I regret so much that I was too proud to ask why or try to fix it. I'll admit I had some misgivings, which is part of why I let it go, but now I just hate that we weren't in each other's lives while we had the chance. And I hate that he's gone, and I hate that good people, whom I care about even though I hardly know them, are hurting so much right now.

Death sucks.

[Finey_McFine]

Tomorrow is my Mom's birthday, she would have been 68. I'm dealing with it by working all day, it's better that sitting around crying...I guess.

[JustSkipIt]

Sometimes I am just astounded by how complicated life can be. My wife and I have these conversations where we both believe we have communicated clearly and been understood and then I move forward with what I understood and it's like a truck comes out of an alley and blindsides me. So now I've done something that she's just horrified about and I'm upset and also I'm PMSing and she's upset that she believes I heard and understood her but just ignored her. Arggghhh.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Sometimes it sucks to have no one I'm close to except my mom within a 500 mile radius. It sucks even more that my mom is moving hundreds of miles away sometime within the next 3 days, at which point there will be no one.

[Foomatic]

That moment where your partner hates your haircut SO MUCH that she goes so far as to tell you that everyone who says they like it and that I look good? They really hate it but just won't say it to my face. Then she has the gall to ask me why I'm upset, since I said that all that mattered was that I liked my hair. And I do like my new hair. I love it even. But how can you not be upset when someone says that to you? I could live with her hating it. She didn't have to be a bitch and tell me that no matter what people say, they really don't like it. She's voiced her dislike over my choice of hairstyle, so that's not a shocker to me, but the meanness and ugliness of her statements really cut me, and because she's just being "honest," she doesn't understand why I'm upset. Now I am constantly going to be doubting any positive reaction to my new do. And I know it shouldnt matter because I love the haircut, but it does. It really, really does, and I hate that.

I feel like dyking out completely and getting it cut shorter with a faux hawk just to piss her off even more. Put on a shirt and tie with a sweater vest and Chuck Taylor's to round out the outfit, and stroll into Easter mass tomorrow afternoon wih a smug expression on my face.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My best friend is in a very shitty place. Another friend is in a shitty place. Now, in large part thanks to trying to help them both, *I* am in a shitty place. I would never for a second take back trying to help (though I don't think I did much good), but it sucks that because the stuff bothering them both is similar to stuff that frequently bothers me, it brought up my issues and now I'm upset too. And I hate that I still don't know how to help either of them. I can't... fix it, and I hate the feeling that there's nothing I can do. My best friend said last night that she felt worse than she had since her mental breakdown 3 years ago, which is a rather terrifying thought, especially since there's no one where she lives to help her through it if things get that bad again. She's much stronger than she was then, but she hasn't gone to therapy in months and she recently went off her meds, and the few friends she made last semester she mostly hasn't seen since December, and I'm worried. I want to help.

I also found out yesterday that the very first friend I ever made outside my family has cancer. I don't know any details, I haven't even seen her in probably 8 years or talked to her in even longer, but I feel bad for her and her family, and it just feels extremely surreal. I have no idea how serious it is, maybe it's just thyroid cancer and a simple surgery will fix it no problem, but it could be something much worse, and it just doesn't seem possible that my best friend from ages 2-6 may be fight for her life, may even be dying.

Then there's my own more selfish emotional crap with my crush, except I think it's time I stop thinking of her that way. It's just one thing after another, and on the whole the non-relationship just doesn't make me feel *good* anymore. And it used to feel wonderful, and there are still some parts that are perfect, and I don't want to give it up, but I think it's more pain than it's worth now and that sucks because she really seems like someone I could be with. But I think I have to accept that (at least right now) she's not, and that is very crappy.

[JustSkipIt]

That moment where your partner hates your haircut SO MUCH that she goes so far as to tell you that everyone who says they like it and that I look good? They really hate it but just won't say it to my face. Then she has the gall to ask me why I'm upset, since I said that all that mattered was that I liked my hair. And I do like my new hair. I love it even. But how can you not be upset when someone says that to you? I could live with her hating it. She didn't have to be a bitch and tell me that no matter what people say, they really don't like it. She's voiced her dislike over my choice of hairstyle, so that's not a shocker to me, but the meanness and ugliness of her statements really cut me, and because she's just being "honest," she doesn't understand why I'm upset. Now I am constantly going to be doubting any positive reaction to my new do. And I know it shouldnt matter because I love the haircut, but it does. It really, really does, and I hate that.

First, I like your hair.
Second, sorry that she was birtchy about it.
Third, I had a similar experience but not with the hair on my head. I posted some of this in the moment of truth and some in the crappy feelings but with some vagueness. Last week I got a Brazilian wax. I've never had one. Never had anything waxed... But I'm having a lot of ingrown hairs and chafing when running. Rachel and I discussed it just generally years ago and she was very outspoken about how sick/perverted it is for anyone to get waxed... Then last month we discussed regarding my running, etc. And she relented. Said that she thinks it is ok as long as there is some hair left at all. Or so I thought. I booked an appointment and got it done. I came home and she was all excited, wanted to see and literally gasped. She was pissed and we fought the rest of the day about the fact that she feels like we have these conversations where one of us says one thing and the other things they understand and they don't etc. And it's not like I can instantly grow back my hair.

No shit... the next day she is like "maybe it's ok..." and she remembers that she has some wax strips and tries to give herself a bikini wax.

And now she's all "it's your body" and "it's fine" and "it's sexy"... etc.

Anyway, I'm not feeling crappy currently but I was amused about both our wives being upset about our hair cuts/waxes but not the same hair...

[LikeAnAmazon]

My best friend told me ten days ago that another friend of hers had been raped and was now pregnant. She was, understandably, incredibly distraught over this, freaking out about it and worrying obsessively about how to support and be there for this friend of hers. It kept her constantly on edge for over a week, and then guess what happens. I get a call from her Tuesday night and she is outright sobbing. Her friend LIED to her about the ENTIRE thing. Every bit of it. She was never raped, she was never pregnant, nothing. All lies.

That is such an absolutely HORRIBLE thing to do. How the hell can someone, in good conscience, LIE about being RAPED? And to friends they've had since they were in 3rd grade?! Not only is that a horrible thing to lie about and honestly an insult to the people out there who actually have had to experience that, but I cannot think of a more obscene abuse of trust than what she did.

The friend she did this to is, in my experience, the most kind, selfless, caring person I've ever met. This isn't the first time this friend has lied to her, and she's ALWAYS put up with it, ALWAYS stuck by her. She didn't deserve this. My friend FINALLY did what she should have done a long time ago and broke the friendship off, but I can tell how much it hurt her to do it. She's still upset over it, and I am worried for her emotional well-being. And I can't forgive the person who put her through this. I can't, and I won't. She doesn't deserve it, nor does she deserve my friend's heartache.

My friend and I walked by the person in the hallway today and, purely instinctively and by no conscious decision of my own, moved to block her from my friend. And for a second there was...rage. I get so protective and so angry when people hurt my friends. There is nothing this girl can do to redeem herself to me. I don't hate many people, but if there was ever anyone I would use that word for, it would be her.

[vazy]

The words of the email I just sent my Chemistry teacher sum up how I feel;

'I have no idea how to do the stupid reaction mechanisms on this stupid little sheet. After the better part of my evening, much throwing of Chemistry items and various stationary, as well as for a short while believing that I may as well just quit Chemistry, and life in general, now and go live in a hole, I just give up. Please explain how the heck you do these things to me at some point before I break more pencils. Thanks.'

I just cannot do Chemistry and thanks to me being a complete idiot, I may as well just sit back and watch my university offer fly right out the window becuase I'm to fucking stupid to even acheive the D, or even E, I need.

[Laragh]

I'm bipolar and I've been rapid cycling for the past week (swooping between mania and depression) and hit a pretty bad low this afternoon. Then I just found out I apparently really upset someone about something a while ago and didn't know. I want to make it right but I don't even know how. It's just been a really shitty Saturday.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I have a new job that's requiring me to do a lot of paperwork (even though I think I'll only be keeping it for a few weeks). I have to give them copies of my high school diploma and social security card, both of which I've lost, and I have to renew my CPR/First Aid training and give copies of my certifications. Last week I told my new boss that I'd get her my diploma and SS card the next time I worked, thinking it would be Thursday and I'd hopefully have time to get new copies of at least one of them and hopefully both, but then she asked me to work Monday afternoon and I said yes without really thinking about it. Then I was a lazy bum all weekend and didn't really take care of anything, except for getting the form I need to apply for a new card, so now I'm kind of screwed if I go in tomorrow without my shit (cause my boss seemed to be getting annoyed that I hadn't brought my diploma yet). Then there's the fact I forgot to tell my other boss that I needed to get off at 12:30 tomorrow so I can get to my second job on time-- it's the time I'm scheduled to get off Mondays, but she frequently comes home late without telling me beforehand-- and the fact that the easiest time for me to take the CPR class I need would be tomorrow evening, except I don't know for sure that it's a location I can get to because you have to call to get the exact address and they weren't open today so I won't know until the morning. I want to just call my new job and tell them I can't work tomorrow after all, but I've waited so last minute now I hate to cancel on them, plus the CPR class is the only thing that could be a legitimate excuse and I won't be sure until the morning if I can take it and I really don't want to wait that long if I am going to cancel and UGH. If I don't cancel, I may be way late cause of forgetting to talk to my other boss, and I'll have to go without having my diploma and social security card *again*.

Either way it's going to suck, and the worst part is knowing I got myself into this mess and have absolutely nothing and no one to blame but myself.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

It really worries/frightens me sometimes how quickly I can go from really really high to pretty damn low. Granted my lows are not nearly as bad as my lows of a couple years ago, but even so... How little it can take for my mood to sink bothers me, a lot. If I hadn't had psychological testing done when I was 15 (and I think again when I was 17, though I don't remember for sure), I would honestly be worried that I might be bipolar. Even knowing that it's very very unlikely given my testing showed no sings of it, I still wonder on nights like this, where I go from hyper and super happy and proud of myself to bummed and lonely and apathetic almost at the drop of the hat. I guess I'm just moody, but god I hate it...

[Laragh]

I suck at education.

[BeMyDeputy]

Today I feel inadequate: as a friend, as a partner, as a lover.

As a writer--even for the novice that I am.

As a person.


Today I want to hide from myself. To hide from the sickening mix of fear and guilt and anger that has settled in my stomach.


Today I am afraid of lashing out. Afraid that I will attack the people around me even though they have done nothing wrong.


Today I know that nothing unusual happened. That what is different is my reaction to events, not the events themselves.


Today I am afraid I'm slipping into a depressive episode.


Today sucks.

[vazy]

I am so sick of my fucking bitch of a Media teacher / Form tutor. She hates me. Like honest to god hates. No matter how hard I try she treats me like I'm an idiot and everything is my fault. I admit I do act silly and childlike, but I'd rather do that and make myself feel better then act how I feel sometimes. But because of it and some of the jokes I make she assumes I am as thick as several planks of wood and a brick wall. I mean I know I'm not that smart, but half the things I come out with are jokes. She spends the lesson standing next to my desk lecturing me if I even pause in my writing to think, and then there are other who sit in the class doing jack all and its me she picks on. At least once a week she tells me I'm going to fail this subject and most others, then when I ask for help she just tells me its my own problem. She even told me I'm too stupid for University, because I was struggling to read an article and keep up.

Apparently I'm a shit friend too, because jumping to hug them isn't 'socially acceptable' and make jokes about stupid stuff we do together, otherwise I'm the bad guy. Yet my friends are allowed to laugh about when I fell down the stairs, hell she even joins in laughing at me.

She's also destroyed one of my grades and possibly the whole class's because of a faulty disk. I had a three day exam and handed the disk in before asking her to check it worked because I wasn't sure it would. She didn't. Then she had the gall to tell me this and blame me, saying she left a message on my home answering machine telling me it didn't work. I've never had an answering machine. Ever. She claims it was the number the school had for me, they have never not contacted me or tried to leave a message! I nearly burst into tears because, what the hell happens if I've fucked this up for my whole class? I've gone and fucked up 8 others futures?

[JustSkipIt]

I am feeling so uneasy and anxious. Like I have a tight feeling in my chest.

1. Yesterday found out why my wife is pissed at me (has been for 2 weeks, says she only has been for a day, same reason as ever).
2. The dog is sick and had to go to the vet.
3. Did a testing session with users on my new system. One of the testors is that department manager and used to be my manager and is very ... unpleasant. About 2/3 of the items on the issues list are really systems requirements items that are carried forward directly from the system that I'm having to convert AND that they've already approved the systems requirements. But it was like... "why does it do this?" (because you wanted it to!). And then I had to leave 1/2 through the testing session to meet the family at the vet.

All I can do: I realized that I was drinking tea and had been most of the day so I switched to water. Taking deep breaths. Reminding myself that this was the first day of testing and I will/can fix these issues.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I've been in a fantastic mood for days, until about 15 minutes ago, and now I'm grumpy as hell for no good reason. Yes they were a few little frustrations throughout the day, but they hadn't bothered me at all (well the back and neck pain did, but only physically; it didn't make me a grump like it often does), until I got home and one not-so-big thing was wrong and suddenly I'm in a really foul mood. Yeah it sucks that I have to wait until tomorrow night to make my candies, which means waiting until Saturday to ship them instead of sending them tomorrow as I'd hoped, but it's really not a huge deal. That's what I'm trying to tell myself, but it feels like something huge, even though I know it isn't. I hate that even when my life is going amazingly well (and honestly, things have felt so *wonderful* lately) a bad mood can hit me almost out of nowhere, and it's so hard to pull myself out except with work or sleep. Right now I feel so pissed off I don't even want to get dinner, though I'm starving; I don't want to watch Doctor Who, though I haven't seen any all day; I don't want to read or take a bath or call a friend. I want to want to do those things, to just get over this minor inconvenience, but right now the grumpiness is too strong and I don't know how to fight it.

[JustSkipIt]

I had to put one of our dogs to sleep today.

...

[maudlin]

Oh my gosh, that's rotten. I'm so sorry for your lost JustSkipIt :(

~~
A close friend of my mother's is dying. But I still hate her. & it's beginning to make me feel like I am the bad person in the situation, & not her. I feel as though I am expected to forgive her b/c she is dying, & I don't see why I should have to.
Also we keep having earthquakes & it makes me feel extremely nervous.

[Finey_McFine]

Deb...So sorry to hear that:(