The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)

[SJ]

So sorry for your loss.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My stepmum said some really hurtful things yesterday, and I don't know how to forgive her. Part of me doesn't want to. I felt horribly betrayed, and I walked out of my parents' house, which of course made her pissed. I didn't leave because I was angry, I left because I was hurt and I needed time to feel calmer, plus I didn't want to having a crying-fight around my baby nephew. She made a big deal of it, basically told me that my leaving was a shitty thing to do, and that by walking away I was making things worse and giving as good as I got. I honestly believe I did what was right for me in that moment, but because I was trying to take care of my needs I'm the bad guy. I still feel hurt and betrayed at what she said, plus angry with her for not wanting to give me the time I needed to calm down, and a part of me simply does not want to forgive her, but another part of me feels guilty for walking away and wants to make it okay because she is my family and my own hurt shouldn't be more important than that.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I fucked up the semester already. Apparently my speech class had a mandatory orientation last night that I didn't know about (cause I'm a dumbass and haven't been paying enough attention to classes), so my teacher dropped me. Because the semester had already started, I only get a partial refund, and now it means I'm only taking 1 class this summer which is just not enough. I really really needed to take this class, and I fucked it up and now I'm mad at myself.

[vazy]

Crappy week for dogs, ours had to be put to sleep too. Really not sure what to do, we've had her since I was four. Sorry for your loss too Deb.

[Laragh]

It was the first anniversary of my uncle's death yesterday and I was doing okay during the day but then my night was just blah.

vazy - serious hugs. So sorry.

[JustSkipIt]

Vazy - I am so sorry to hear that. It is one of the hardest things I've done to be without Lucy so I can imagine how hard it is for you too.

Laragh - So sorry. It is hard on those milestones dates. In Judiasm we call that a Yartzeit (technically it would be the anniversary according to the Jewish calendar but we use the American calendar). We light a candle that burns 24 hours (sunset to sunset) and tell a story of the person we lost and what was awesome of them and keep them especially in our hearts.

Thank you again for your donation to my run this year. I know it is in your uncle's memory and I carried him especially on my training run this morning.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

I've been a solid rock since knowing about the death of my ex girlfriend's father. I cared for him deeply and had a profound spiritual connection to him. I didn't allow myself to get emotional because I wanted to be strong for her. I've known her for 10 years now and have never seen or heard so much pain from her. It hurt my heart deeply. I remained strong though seeing she was in pain and those surrounded by her were also in pain. It finally caught up to me today though. I pulled her aside at the funeral and lost it finally. I'm still losing it now. I know you can't go around grief you can only go through it. Grief never ends it only takes breaks. I held a white dove and kissed it's head and released it in honor of him. I have been there for her but also giving her space since I know she's been surrounded by family. Once things settle a bit it'll be me that will be there. I am always there. She is one of the most important people in my life. She expressed the same sentiment to me.

On top of this I have a good friend recovering from surgery right now after having cancer removed from his neck and cheek. His surgery was 2 weeks ago, but am still keeping tabs with him. The last 2 weeks have been hard all around. I am exhausted from lack of sleep and trying to be there as best I can for everyone else. I honestly haven't been able to sleep because my mind is constantly thinking. My heart is heavy with all kinds of emotions right now.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

A man I called Brother would have been 41 today. We'd grown apart by the time he died, but I still miss him sometimes. His ex-wife died a few months before him, which meant their teenage son was orphaned when he passed. He left behind another honourary Sister and a dead friend both of whom miss him very much. I've never quite known how to feel about his death, but the first birthday without him is a sad day. I really hope his son is okay...

[sova]

Since I'm too chicken to admit it even to myself, I'm admiting here that I do some things to myself that are wrong and dangerous. I have to stop. But then again, how could I? It's been 4 years, give or take, but now it's even worse.. I think I'm too dependant. I don't even know how it's possible that I had so much self-control to keep it unnoticed, and to not do it now, cause now... I need it so much. It's my fault though. I need to stop, but I'm not sure I can.. I think I'm gonna just burst from emotions if I stop. I'm trying to do it less frequently and safely. That helps. But now the whole point... having control, I think, is gone, for once again there's something controling me and I NEED to stop. But God, how I'm afraid I won't be able to!

[JustSkipIt]

I have a yeast infection. Very bad. Very painful. I bought medicine today and can put it in when I go to bed. Also, Chiara and Rachel have some stomach bug. Rachel's gone to work but Chiara is just laying on the couch watching cartoons with a fever.

All around crummy.

[Kessari]

My mother is seriously losing the plot. It's getting to a point, where I either want to slap her or just sit in a dark corner of my flat and cry my eyes out. I also get the feeling, that my Dad is feeling the exact same way. Don't get me wrong. I love her. She can be difficult and infuriating, but she's still my mother and I love her. This is just so damn hurtful. The things she says without even realising the meaning behind all of it, the pain she causes my Dad and I.
She just doesn't seem to understand that it's not a competition about who is or ever was in more pain, who had to be in hospital the longest, who has the most/ugliest scars, who took the strongest painkillers, who was back on their feet the fastest or whatever else damn it.
Two weeks ago, when she was still in hospital after receiving a very, very small surface replacement of her knee joint, the competition she made this all out to be, my Dad almost snapped. He is one of the most patient people I've ever met, but she said so many hurtful things that day that we just looked at each other at one point and obviously had the same expression. "We got to get out of here before we do something we'll regret later." Today was one of those days again and I don't know how many more I can take. I want to be supportive and all, but I don't know if I can much longer.

[JustSkipIt]

I put a new system/replacing an old system in production on Saturday. It was supposed to take 2 hours and took about 6 because of 2 issues that popped up. Then today we were supposed to send out these new e-mails telling people about the system and their new passwords. I did that about 9:00 and it turned out that the urls in the e-mails were wrong. Now the best thing is that the person who I sent the urls to originally found my e-mail and I had them right. Then she changed them or her boss did. Then it was proofed/edited by the proofreader and the boss and the big boss of the agency and none of them noticed and then I just copied and pasted their text so that I didn't make any mistakes mistyping anything or anything like that. Then I had to leave work early because Asher had a doctor's appointment. Erg.

On one hand I absolutely should not get in trouble over the urls because I sent them right and then a bunch of people way above me approved them back. On the other hand, I'm feeling paranoid that I'll be a scapegoat for this. I need to just let it go because as of right now I'm on vacation for a week.

Stressed still.

[Kessari]

It's been 1075 days and I still get the panic attacks... A lot less, but if they strike, it's so much worse than before.
We had so much fun yesterday. The match was awesome, the company of my family and my Dad's friends was amazing and we just had a blast and a LOT to drink. Around 1 in the morning I was ready to go get some sleep, but as soon as I started drifting off, I startled awake feeling like I was suffocating. It's nothing new really, but the alcohol and the surroundings - though familiar, still not my own four walls - made matters only worse. I panicked, completely freaked out and couldn't make a sound. Horrible feeling...
So, I lay awake until around 5:30 and literally fled my parents place as soon as I could today.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My girlfriend and I have a weird way of talking about things; most of the time I love it, but sometimes it means there are important pieces of information that get left out. Like the fact that she's planning to move to San Francisco in 3 years, not the 1 year I had thought.

So, my crappy: I had started thinking about moving to San Francisco too. I've been sick of living here for a while, and I loved San Francisco when I visited, and most of all I want to be close to her (because the 5 years until we plan to move to the UK is such a long time!). The real clincher was discovering how long of a waitlist there is for the Nursing programme here; the average wait time between initial application and getting accepted is longer than the time it would take to get residency in California, meaning if I moved there I would graduate no later than if I stay here, maybe even sooner. So I started thinking about moving there, living with her, but I didn't say anything because I worried that it might be a little soon for her to think of living together in only a year; we talk all the time about our life together, our kids and our flat in England and the like, but the day-to-day stuff is always a long way off, and I'm not sure she's ready to consider anything semi-immediate. I kept my thoughts to myself, but I couldn't turn them off; I searched for schools, thought out plans in my head for moving to San Francisco in a year (when I thought she'd be moving there too), getting residency, and starting a Nursing programme 2 years from now so I'd still have a year or more after I finished until we immigrate. I had all these thoughts, and now...

Chances are she'll be living at home the whole 3 years until she moves, which means visiting her would involve a hotel and a couple hours here and there; I thought at the very least, even if we were still living apart in a year I'd be able to visit and stay with her, have whole nights together, have time for just us, and not need a hotel so that I could afford more trips. I thought she'd be starting her grown-up life. I thought a lot of things, and now...
In 3 years, I'll either be just starting my Nursing programme or, best case scenario, be up to halfway through; not the time to be moving halfway across the country and switching schools. Even if I could graduate in 3.5 - 4 years, which would border on miraculous since it will be 2 - 3 years until I can start, it would be ridiculous to make a big move like that a year before going to the UK. Chances are, I won't finish until 4.5 - 5 years from now, which means I'll have virtually no break between finishing my Associate's degree and moving to the UK for my Bachelor's and Master's, and moving to SF won't even be an option. It's just... crappy. I don't want to live here for the next 5 years, and I don't want to live hundreds of miles from my girlfriend for the next 5 years. I want our life together damn it! And I want to be away from this heat and sun; away from the pain of my complicated family, because as much as I love them it doesn't balance out anymore; away from this world where everyone around me moves on, moves away, moves forward, and I don't. I want to be, finally, starting the new life I've always craved, the life I believe will be with her.

5 years is a hell of a long time...

[JustSkipIt]

My friend texted me yesterday to say that her baby that she was pregnant with died a few weeks ago and she just found out. This would have been her third baby and I know she says she is ok with it but I feel really sad for her. Her parents are visiting from out of country for her 40th birthday and when I asked how she was doing she said her mother is very upset (coughdramaqueencough). I just hope my friend has a chance to grieve her loss. I feel so sad for her.

In 2012:
We've gone to the funeral of a friend's father. He was 86 and lived a long life including flying 46 missions in WWII.
We've had a friend of ours - a 10 year old healthy boy - suddenly die and it turned out he had leukemia and died of an opportunistic infection. So been to a child's funeral.
My wife's high school mentor died of Cancer and she went to the memorial.
Our dog died last month.
My wife's SIL was diagnosed with Colon Cancer and had surgery.
A friend who has been trying to get pregnant for 9 years got pregnant and lost the baby at 6 weeks but didn't find out until 12 and has yet to miscarry.
And finally this friend losing her baby.

I'm not saying that all these things happened to us. With the exception of our dog, the others are sort of things we observe and feel. It just seems like grief is circling us.

[Finey_McFine]

Wow, this year has really sucked. I just found one of our cats dead in the bushes and I seriously want to cry and be hysterical, but can't because I don't wanna ruin the holiday for my daughter. She's going to be devastated, she loved that cat more than anything. He was really awesome.

R.I.P Mr. Fancy Pants...you were loved.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

Wow, this year has really sucked. I just found one of our cats dead in the bushes and I seriously want to cry and be hysterical, but can't because I don't wanna ruin the holiday for my daughter. She's going to be devastated, she loved that cat more than anything. He was really awesome.

R.I.P Mr. Fancy Pants...you were loved.

Shel all I have to say is :( Losing a pet you love and think the world of is never easy. I have the ashes of my beloved Nike. I had her for 15 years. Having her that way now does bring some comfort. I wish the same for you and especially your daughter.

[Finey_McFine]

Shel all I have to say is :( Losing a pet you love and think the world of is never easy. I have the ashes of my beloved Nike. I had her for 15 years. Having her that way now does bring some comfort. I wish the same for you and especially your daughter.

Thanks. We aren't telling her until tomorrow and we're both dreading it.

[Finey_McFine]

So, we told our daughter and it was brutal as expected. She was hysterical, we were hysterical and all over a cat. A very sweet, furry and loving cat that brought us many years of happiness. RIP Fancy...

[JustSkipIt]

Shel I am so sorry for your loss.

[T.G.I.F.]

That's so sad, he looks like a very lovable little creature. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[SJ]

So sorry for your loss.

[Finey_McFine]

Thanks everyone for the heart felt condolences. They are much appreciated:)

[dtburanek]

I am having a bad night. It was a good day until I checked Facebook. The ultimate evil of petty drama. I do my best to stay out of it, especially the passive-aggression. But the other day I saw a picture of 3 friends I went to high school with. Two were in town and hanging out with a third that still lives here. I made a comment and then clicked to check up on my friends. One (the boy I "dated" in highschool) had defriended me a long time ago. But the one who recently had a baby I clicked on her to find out I can't find out about her anymore.

I did a slightly passive-aggressive post that stated it sucked to be defriended but if any of them called me up in the middle of the night and needed my help I would get my ass over there. I consider that a friend. So what if I haven't called and went and seen her baby. I know people with new babies are often tired, I don't want to mess with their schedules and plus she had gone back to work fairly quickly. Plus there is the whole fact that I was never invited to her baby shower, or called and asked to come over either. Or called and asked how things were in general.

So how am I the bad friend when I always seem to be the one initiating the interaction?

I tried not to let it bother me but tonight it was getting to me. Why? I checked Facebook again. The picture was recently showed back on my wall and so I checked it out. I had wondered why I hadn't received any notification that anyone else had commented or liked the photo. It was because my comment was removed. And now I'm wavering between livid and depressed. It is quite the rollercoaster right now. I really want to send an email and ask her directly. I know why the others defriended me in the past (one told me and the other just made sense). I think I should ask. I know the rest of them seem to have some correlation to me being gay and out now and I think this might be too. Which is stupid. And I know that I don't need them as friends if they are going to dislike me because I'm "not the same girl I used to be." I wasn't who I was back then because I was busy trying to make up for my deep dark secret.

I'm just so frustrated I don't even know how to end this post. I don't even know how to start that email. I just don't know what to do with myself....

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I keep coming back to the fact that my girlfriend doesn't make trips to see each other a priority. She says she wants them, but it feels like when I try to shit them from dream to reality, she backs away, or she doesn't do the things she would need to to make them happen. Since she lives with her parents, I'm not comfortable with her coming to visit until they know about us, but she hasn't told them yet; since she's not comfortable with me paying for her plane ticket, she needs money to come, but doesn't seem to be looking for a job, and didn't save the money she got for graduation; when I ask if she thinks she could come visit, she says "maybe," or completely ignores it; when I suggest my visiting she talks around it. The only thing she'll settle on is our trip together in February, but that's 7 months away. She says she wants to see each other "a little more often" than once a year, but my attempts to make it happen don't seem to be well received. I don't know what to do, and it sucks. I just want time with her, is that so much to ask? I never want to push things too much for fear of pushing her away, but I always come back to this. It makes me feel like she doesn't really want to spend time with me, or like there are issues she won't talk to me about, despite her promise months ago that she would be more open. No matter how good things are between us, this is always looming in the back of my mind, and quite frankly bugging the hell out of me.

[T.G.I.F.]

I'm getting sick of the discussions with my best friend about money.

She is so hung up on money. She prefers a well paid job and be miserable doing it then doing what you love that pays less money.
She kind of judges me that I work part time and put the rest of the time in my writing instead of getting a fulltime job. She seems more upset about the fact that I don't make that much money as I do myself.

And it's okay if that is her opinion, but she is so patronizing when she mentions it. Sometimes I think she secretely envies me because I don't see money as a measurement to be happy. And I have the feeling it's driving us apart more and more. We are so different in, well, everything. And I love her, I do. But sometimes I wonder when the bomb is going to explode!

[JustSkipIt]

We are at my I laws. My bil's family came as well because our niece has been with us a few weeks and they can get her back. So we were planning to make stuffed peppers and beans and rice for dinner but bil family brought a ham.now I am not saying that no one can eat meat because we don't but they didn't even think it was worth mentioning. No "hey we brought a ham so y'all need another plan.." just no consideration. Plus asher's cousins who are 13 and 15 were teasing him and wouldn't let him play with them. Honestly he biggest thing is that rachel and i are just so exhausted.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My dog died yesterday. I was not quite 13 when we got him. It was only a few months after my dad moved out; I don't think the divorce was even final yet. That was almost 10 years ago. He would have been 10 on the 1st of September. My mum called him her Divorce Puppy, and he was her dog first and foremost, but he was a family dog too. Having a cute new puppy at home to play with helped home feel like home again. He was a really wonderful dog. He was smart and neurotic and playful and sweet and so very loyal. He was truly devoted to my mother, but he loved my brother and I too. Anytime I hadn't seen him in a while he'd jump like crazy when he saw me, even in the last year or so when he was getting old and stiff. He was starting to show his age, but there were no signs he was anywhere near the end of his life. He had an allergic reaction to a hornet sting, and that was the end of it; he died at dawn the next day. My Pippin is gone. I'll never get to cuddle with him or throw him a stick. He was the last surviving animal from my childhood; I guess I was only 15 or 16 when we got Otter, but there's a big difference between 12 and 16. Pip was the last one from when I was really a kid; the cats are all long gone, hit by cars or simply vanished, and my beloved old pup Sage died December 2010. They're all gone now, and it feels like with the passing of the last one a part of me has died too. It feels like a huge piece of my childhood is gone, more than just this one dog. It's like... my childhood itself is gone somehow.

And my dog is gone.

[RainbowNerdette]

I´m just too tired of fighting, too tired of struggling to make my life worth anything.

I don´t want to do it anymore.

[Laragh]

It feels like I'm never going to stop being exhausted all the time.