The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)

[Pavlov'sBell]

It's like I'm numb right now, and I can't really explain why. I felt fine all day. Last night was bad, but I felt alot better when I woke up after having gotten alot of sleep. Argh, stupid thoughts regarding relationships

Guess I'll work on fics and listen to music until it goes away

[sandbarDragon]

Edit: I changed my mind about this post.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My best friend and I have been having a Doctor Who marathon this weekend, which is great, except... I keep getting sad thinking about my ex, missing her. I almost didn't watch one of my favourite episodes because it has a line that we used to text each other every day. I hate that I still get so sad, and that my favourite show is... tainted in a way. I don't want Doctor Who to make me sad.

[JustSkipIt]

Hmmm. Well even I. After years of living with this crazy could not have predicted how particularly crazy this particular conversation would make her.

I find myself increasing just fucking tired of it. Just tired of trying to deal.

[BeneathMyWillowTree]

Not cool! Since Wednesday I've been feeling the after effects of what happened at the Red Cross on Sunday. It appears that a nerve was hit on my right wrist, because I've been feeling numb on my hand. It also feels like someone is tugging on a string inside the top of my hand to my index finger. I can't do simple things like tie my shoe or any stretching out to get something cos everytime I do I feel this way. I'm not in pain so much, but it's more like an irritation. I'm doing what I have to do to get better and I'm hoping it's soon. This sucks!!!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

The first anniversary of my brother's death is in a couple of days. My life's been so messed up lately, I feel like I miss him all the time, cause he was the guy who helped me make sense of things. He was my big brother... We didn't share blood and I never met him in person, but he was family. He was as much my brother as my blood-brother whom I lived with 18 years. It seemed completely impossible when I realized I only knew him a few months; the very first phone call we had it felt like I'd known him forever. I honestly don't know which I hate more, the fact that he's gone or the fact that I wasn't in his life at the very end. We both got caught up in our own lives and hadn't talked for a week or two when I noticed he wasn't my friend on facebook anymore; I was hurt terribly but too proud to say anything, and I never talked to him again. After his death, I learned that he had missed me and his fiancee asked why we had fallen out; his other sister, whom I've adopted since his passing, thinks it was just a tech error, that somehow facebook messed up and led to my absence in the last few weeks of my brother's life. Whatever the reason... I wasn't there for him. He wasn't alone, and I am so glad for that, but I wasn't there. I'll never forgive myself that I wasn't.
He was my brother, and 361 days ago he died. And he died not knowing I loved him. Our sister says he was in pain from the illness and it was good he was released, but he shouldn't have had that pain, he didn't deserve that illness. He was a good man, an amazing brother and friend, and I envy my sister's acceptance but I can't believe it was a good thing he died. He had a teenage son that's an orphan now, and a fiancee and sisters that still feel just a little bit lost without him, and he was a doctor that could have saved more lives... But he's gone, leaving the world just a little emptier, and one year later I still miss him like hell. I want to give him a big bear hug, and hear his laugh, and have him tell me off for being unsafe. I don't get to have those things, ever. My brother is gone.

[Willow_Friendly]

My grandmother who had Alzheimer's and got really sick for the past two mouth died tonight she was 83. I hope she's with her friends and family right now I love you grammy i'm going to miss you so much

[Pavlov'sBell]

My grandmother who had Alzheimer's and got really sick for the past two mouth died tonight she was 83. I hope she's with her friends and family right now I love you grammy i'm going to miss you so much

I'm sorry. My grandmother on my Mother's side had Alzheimer's as well. She died three years ago. It still hurts, but it'll get easier (if that's the right way to say it)

[Pavlov'sBell]

I completely feel broken right now. I'm almost entirely sure that there will never be anyone in my life that I will be able to use in the same sentence as 'love'. I'll be considered an adult by the government in three months, and I have nothing to show for any of those 18 years.

[leos_pride]

I completely feel broken right now. I'm almost entirely sure that there will never be anyone in my life that I will be able to use in the same sentence as 'love'. I'll be considered an adult by the government in three months, and I have nothing to show for any of those 18 years.

Hang in there Pav as cliche as it sounds things do get better. I am staring down a quarter of a century this year and I am no where near where I imagined myself at this age. I am also just starting my third serious relationship and think I may have finally gotten it right this time. Keep your chin and keep pusjing through. Things happen for one reason or another but you will end up where you are supposed to be at sometime

[Pavlov'sBell]

I completely feel broken right now. I'm almost entirely sure that there will never be anyone in my life that I will be able to use in the same sentence as 'love'. I'll be considered an adult by the government in three months, and I have nothing to show for any of those 18 years.

Hang in there Pav as cliche as it sounds things do get better. I am staring down a quarter of a century this year and I am no where near where I imagined myself at this age. I am also just starting my third serious relationship and think I may have finally gotten it right this time. Keep your chin and keep pusjing through. Things happen for one reason or another but you will end up where you are supposed to be at sometime

That's really all I can do isn't it? Just hold in and take everything that's thrown at me. *Sigh* There are times I really hate life. I mean, geez, as a single guy who's really got nothing wrong with him, I expected to have had at least one date with a girl by now.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Gallifrey One, my favourite convention ever, sold out after only two weeks I'd thought of buying my ticket, but I decided to wait until I figured out wear I'm moving in a few weeks; last year it didn't sell out until September so I didn't really think I had much to worry about... I'm so incredibly bummed. My ex and I spent almost a year planning for the 2013 Con, so when we broke up three weeks before it I couldn't bear to go on my own; it made me really sad to miss it, but I consoled myself with the thought I'd surely make it 2014. It SUCKS I have to miss it!!!!!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I am feeling really fucked. It's largely my fault and I know it, but that doesn't keep me from feeling screwed.
3 months ago I moved to California, thinking I was starting a new life for myself and would be there for years, but it didn't work out and a month later I moved to Montana, knowing it was probably temporary. Before I moved from home, I talked with my roommates about maybe coming back if I needed, and so when I started planning to move back, even though I hoped I could find an alternative I assumed I would have a home if I needed it. Turns out I was wrong; they've said I could stay a couple months until I figure out something permanent, but they don't want a roommate long-term. I 100% get it, but it sucks for me, a lot. My friend E and I had talked a few weeks ago about maybe trying to room together if the timing worked out, but now it looks like she's going to stay with her parents through the summer. I wrote two other friends to see what their plans/living situations are, but though I'm fairly certain they've both seen my messages they haven't responded, which doesn't exactly seem promising. I need to really *live* somewhere, and it looks like that won't be an option. I have to have proof of address before I can take classes again, and that can't happen if I'm just staying with my dad (which would drive me fucking nuts besides) or my old roommates temporarily, and getting back in to school is my main reason to move back... I just feel completely screwed, and clueless what to do.

[Pavlov'sBell]

I honestly have reached the point where I have not a single shred of doubt in my mind that there is something truly wrong with me. I am lonely and sad almost every single day, and it just makes me feel at my absolute lowest as a human being. I don't understand why I'm still single, which to be honest, I wouldn't feel bad about if it weren't for the fact that I have never once been on a date with another human being in my entire life. Never once has a girl shown interest in me, despite me obviously showing interest in them, and considering that I'm a pretty healthy guy who has nothing really wrong with him apart from just being down most of them, that's not a good thing. There has to either be something I'm doing wrong, or there's just some reason that I'm alone, and probably will be for the rest of my supposed 'best years of my life'. There are times I feel like why should I get up and live because there's nothing that I do that could be looked upon as something worth-while. There are so many people out that there that could do something better than what I'm doing, so why should I pour any energy into anything I'm interested in?

Why should I keep waiting for something that I know will never come?

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My sister says I have to focus on the bad stuff and forget the good so I can move on. I *know* I don't want to forget, and there are moments (fewer now, but still there) when I don't even think I wan to move on. I tried to explain that I loved my ex more than anything and some of the happiest times of my life were with her and I never want to lose those memories... but she thinks I'm just making myself miserable and holding on for nothing. I feel like she doesn't understand, but then I wonder, am I the one who's wrong? Should I be working harder to let go? I just want... to remember. It hurts like hell to remember, it hurts like hell to love her, but I still don't want to let those feelings go.

I know I shouldn't, but I want to hold on forever.

[Pavlov'sBell]

I really just don't know what I want anymore. One minute I'm feeling happy and normal, and then I'm down and feeling really bad about myself. I just don't understand what's wrong with me

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm having one of those days where life just seems... unbearably hard. And there's no real reason for it. My phone broke, which really sucks, but a couple hundred bucks isn't the end of the world. The money probably should be what I'm upset about, but it's not. It just feels like... one more thing I can't handle. And stupid though it is, my phone is one of the biggest connections I have to my ex; I bought it right before going to visit her the first time so I'd have it on that trip, I messaged her on it constantly, it still has the last few dozen of our texts, she named it for me, and though I know I should change it she's still the only "favourite" in my contacts. And tonight I took a cheesemaking class, which was great, except all I could think about was how much my ex would have loved to make fresh mozzerella, and how great it would have been to make cheese together... There are all these things in my life that I want to share with her, and I can't, and now one of the far-too-few things we did get to share is gone. And there are things I needed to take care of, getting a new phone now added to the list, that I just don't feel capable of handling, even though a rational part of me knows they're all manageable. It doesn't *feel* manageable--my *life* doesn't feel manageable.

I'm so close to functional I think I'm fooling everyone, but the truth is I am still a fucking mess inside.

[EasierSaid]

My littlest one is a really poor nighttime sleeper. I don't blame him, he's been sick a lot and practicing new skills at night is totally normal... It's just, I'm so worn out. I've had maybe 8 hours of sleep in the last two days, and I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row once since he was born six months ago (and I've only had one 4 hour stretch in that time). I'm happy to get up with him because I know this is temporary, and I know his infancy will be over all too soon, I'm just exhausted. As much as I love his newness and even his dependency I am looking forward to getting a little bit of me back, starting with the clarity that comes with one good night's sleep. Here's to hoping that it comes tonight...

[gorn]

My littlest one is a really poor nighttime sleeper. I don't blame him, he's been sick a lot and practicing new skills at night is totally normal... It's just, I'm so worn out. I've had maybe 8 hours of sleep in the last two days, and I haven't slept more than 4 hours in a row once since he was born six months ago (and I've only had one 4 hour stretch in that time). I'm happy to get up with him because I know this is temporary, and I know his infancy will be over all too soon, I'm just exhausted. As much as I love his newness and even his dependency I am looking forward to getting a little bit of me back, starting with the clarity that comes with one good night's sleep. Here's to hoping that it comes tonight...

Mrs. gorn went through the same thing ... and just as it started getting better with the first one, she became pregnant again. I know I didn't help her as much as I should have, and she never complained (about that, at least). She did it for a long time.

You know what comes next? They cry and get SO sad when it's time to go to bed. Mrs. gorn makes me put our youngest one to bed every night because she can't stand to see the look of what can only be described as betrayal in our daughter's eyes when we put her in to bed, like she can't believe we're really doing this to her. And then the tears well up and she starts bawling. That's my job now, probably my wife's revenge for me not helping more in the midnight hours.

You know what's even worse than that? When they stop crying. When you put them to bed, kiss them goodnight, they look up at you with big sad eyes and say, "Goodnight, Dada ..." and you want to pick them back up, hug them, turn on the lights and start playing again. But you can't. I swear it's easier when they fight, scream, and cry.

Hang in there. Hope you've got someone around more supportive than I was ...

[Finey_McFine]

I feel your pain. My daughter never slept more that an hour and a half until she was 6 months old and then only 3-4 hours at a time after that until she was 15-16 months old. I've never been so completely exhausted. I would handle the feedings all the way until around 2am, because I HAD to get some sleep before getting up for work at 6am. My poor wife had everything after that and all day. I remember coming home and she would meet me at the front door crying with the baby in her outstretched arms. Rough times, but you get through them. Plus, the kid became an awesome sleeper! Which was great when she started school. One of my nephews' slept 7-7 from the day he was born. Now, at 15...total insomniac. Go figure.

I'll be sending sleepy thoughts your way!

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My best friend is graduating college in two weeks... in theory. She has about a week, week and a half left of actual school, then a few days free before the ceremony. She has exactly 3 assignments to complete in that time, and no tests. And she won't do a fucking thing. She had a paper due last Friday; she spent last Wednesday through Sunday doing almost nothing but reading fanfic and watching TV on her laptop-- she literally didn't leave the apartment Wednesday or Friday, and called in sick to work Saturday so she could stay home and doing nothing. This Monday, she talked to her teacher, and set her own deadline, saying she'd turn the paper in Thursday night. So what has she done since Monday? Went to classes 1 afternoon, volunteered a few hours, and read absurd amounts of fanfic. Wednesday, I tried to get her to work, reminding her of her self-imposed deadline; she said she'd get up early Thursday and work on it. Thursday morning, she insisted she'd work on it Thursday evening; Thursday evening she kept saying she'd do it later, but of course never did. When I got home from work today, I asked her if she'd done anything today, and she said no; I asked her if she was ever going to do her paper and she said she'd do it tonight, then proceeded to get on her computer and watch videos of elephants and hedgehogs for hours. Finally she said she was going to take a bath then work on her paper, but she's been out of the bath for an hour now and I keep hearing laugh like she always does while reading fic. I'm fucking worried about her and I don't know what to do or how to help. I try to talk to her about why she's so tense, but she doesn't want to talk. She is... not functional. She sleeps (though not enough) and eats and she's only gotten drunk once-- curbing her reliance on alcohol every time she's upset or stressed is the one positive impact I've had-- but she barely leaves the apartment and she shirks her responsibilities and she's stressed all the time and I never know when I come home if I'll find her an inconsolable mess and she's so fucking avoidant of everything... All she has to do is 3 assignments, and she won't. And I'm *worried*. I'm worried that she's not functional, and that a real crash for her could be coming; I'm worried that she won't graduate (it's doubtful, but I don't think she can pass if she doesn't eventually write this damn paper); I'm worried about her health, cause she can barely keep her heart rate under 120--only when she does relaxation exercises; I'm worried about her long-term, cause if she can't handle this stress any better I don't know how she's ever going to be able to cope with the really tough things (cause I don't mean to minimize what she's going through, but honestly it's *3 assignments*, and then she's done! It could be a lot worse); and I'm worried about her moment to moment cause I know she's miserable, even when she is ignoring it all and trying to suppress by absorbing herself in fanfic. And the truth is, it's all stressing *me* out like crazy. I'm so worried about her, and I'm so frustrated by feeling this helpless.

[JustSkipIt]

I am in such a terrible mood! Seriously. I feel like crying but I don't think it's near my period but I feel all PMSy. I'm managing shit. I mean I folded laundry and loaded the dishwasher and ran it and unloaded it and took the kids to IKEA and fed the kids. Rachel and her sister are out shopping for clothes for an unspecified amount of time. They are supposed to be back so I can go for a bike ride which I'm sure will make me feel less crazy but for now, I'm just stuck in crazy.

Arggghhh!

[Pavlov'sBell]

Guess there's not an easy way to say this.

I'm honestly beginning to feel like I'm not good enough to write anything. I try, try, try, try, and try some more, but I'm never satisfied with anything. I'm beginning to wonder why I even try to be good, or average at it. I feel like it's just something I'm wasting my time with doing, just like everything else in my life. I feel like utter crap when I think about how everyone else is better than me.

Maybe I should just stop. I'm never going to be good.

[Laragh]

Guess there's not an easy way to say this.

I'm honestly beginning to feel like I'm not good enough to write anything. I try, try, try, try, and try some more, but I'm never satisfied with anything. I'm beginning to wonder why I even try to be good, or average at it. I feel like it's just something I'm wasting my time with doing, just like everything else in my life. I feel like utter crap when I think about how everyone else is better than me.

Maybe I should just stop. I'm never going to be good.

I've been writing since '09 and only in the last little while have I gotten to a place that I'm actually happy with what goes out. There's always going to be bad mixed in with the good, but you gotta honour both to recognise how far you've come. There's a learning curve, like anything else, and it's important that you let yourself take that journey (if writing is something you really want to do - and it doesn't matter whether that's 'just' for fanfic, your own original works, your own enjoyment, eventually a career, whatever). I hope you don't give up 'cause I'm sure there are people who enjoy what you write and will continue to enjoy seeing you grow as a writer. And you're in one of the best places (imo) on the net for burgeoning writers - I've never gotten more encouragement for anything like I have for writing on this board. So keep on keeping on, and maybe one day we'll all be able to say we knew you way back when

[Pavlov'sBell]

I've been writing since '09 and only in the last little while have I gotten to a place that I'm actually happy with what goes out. There's always going to be bad mixed in with the good, but you gotta honour both to recognise how far you've come. There's a learning curve, like anything else, and it's important that you let yourself take that journey (if writing is something you really want to do - and it doesn't matter whether that's 'just' for fanfic, your own original works, your own enjoyment, eventually a career, whatever). I hope you don't give up 'cause I'm sure there are people who enjoy what you write and will continue to enjoy seeing you grow as a writer. And you're in one of the best places (imo) on the net for burgeoning writers - I've never gotten more encouragement for anything like I have for writing on this board. So keep on keeping on, and maybe one day we'll all be able to say we knew you way back when

Thanks. I was extremely down last night when I wrote that, so I feel a little better now. Wouldn't be the first time that my mind's done that to me, and I know it won't be the last. I appreciate your kind words

[mandyanyone]

Lately i have been feeling rather lonely..Sucks really..but I work a lot..and just moved out on my own..and really on my days off just hang out and seem to do nothing..but I wish I had more to do..Maybe I should just get another job and work every day of the week..I hate being alone..

[Pavlov'sBell]

I've become completely broken, in more ways one.

I'm not happy in my love life, and come to think of it, I'm not happy with my life in general. I'm always alone all the time, except when I'm at school, and every attempt I've made to change that has usually been met with failure. I'm almost entirely at the edge of giving up and just accepting that I'm meant to be alone for the rest of my natural born life. There's not someone out there who would want to be with me. I actually finally had someone say the word 'yes' to going to Prom with me, and then three days later, the answer gets changed to 'no'. Just more evidence that even when someone says 'yes', they really mean 'no'. I'm doomed to be the guy that no-one wants.
I don't think that anyone likes my writing as well. The only real reason I keep doing it is because I have nothing else to do, and I need to keep my brain occupied with something, otherwise I'd go insane. I don't know what I did wrong. I tried my best to come up with something that at least one person would like . And when i was done coming up with the idea, I was damn proud of it. But now I feel like that pride was mis-placed, and that I should have realized that it was genuinely no-good. I could have saved myself so much heartbreak right now by simply keeping the thing to myself. Guess that's what's meant to happen. I'm meant to keep things to myself, and not share it with anyone, because happiness isn't something I'm meant to share with anyone.

I think I'm only living to go through the motions anymore.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I feel like no one sees how hard a time I'm still having. Part of me doesn't want them too, because I don't want pity and I sure as fuck don't want anyone walking on eggshells, but another part of me hates that I'm just... supposed to be okay now. I'm supposed to be over it and healed and okay. And I'm not. Yesterday I cried to a song, and my best friend seemed so surprised; I admitted that it happens a lot, more than she knows, but I still don't think she gets it. The other day she mentioned thinking I was fairly happy with my life-- how do you tell your best friend that she's wrong and you're still sad all the fucking time? I still miss my ex, every day, even if not every minute. It's gotten better, and even when I cry over her it's almost never... earth-shattering, all-consuming sobs anymore, but I still cry. I still get sad. I still think about her too much and miss her too much. I tried talking to one of my sisters about it, the only one I'm close to, but she said I need to focus on the bad stuff from the relationship, the things that made me angry, cause it'll help me to move on. Maybe she's just a different person, or maybe she's never loved anyone like I loved my ex, but being angry and trying to forget the good stuff is the last thing I want. She doesn't get it, and my best friend doesn't get it, and I just feel like... No one gets that I'm still a total fucking mess inside.

[JustSkipIt]

What a shit day. I don't remember a day this shitty in a while. I know that I'm always supposed to think it's 100% my fault or 50% or whatever but seriously? I swear Rachel was a fucking crazy person today. Jesus God, Woman! Get your shit together. She like constantly changed plans all day long in her head but didn't ever tell anyone and then felt put upon that we didn't know the fantasy plans in her head. And also she shouted that she didn't want to spend any time with "you people anyway!" (meaning the family) and shouted at me privately and also that she knows that I think she's a tyrant and an asshole. Uh... no but I do think you were having a hard day and were acting like a jerk. Now she and Chiara have gone hiking which I hope goes well and hopefully she will be less insane when she gets back.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I was in town less than 3 hours before getting in to a big fight with my stepmum (who apparently thinks I act like a child and can't take care of myself, even though I'm 23, have lived on my own off and on for 4 years and consistently for almost 2, have over $10,000 in the bank, have never in the last 4.5 years gone more than a few weeks without a steady job, and am getting ready to put myself through school). And according to my dad she's "not well", mentally, so I'm supposed to just avoid arguments when possible and take her crap when I can't. This is going to be a *super* fun 3 week visit...