The Crappy Feelings Thread (HOTLINES in first post)

[JustSkipIt]

Ugh. I have like a mild stomach flu. For the second time in a few weeks.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I'm feeling bummed about my inability to be involved with music and theatre, at minimum for this semester but in all likelihood the rest of my time here. It's been the only social outlet I've had at my Uni and my main source of enjoyment. It's a minor thing, but between that and feeling anxious about my first Nursing course after the first class I'm not really looking forward to this semester.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

3 days shy of a year since she dumped me, and here I am tearing up thinking about her. Because as much as anything she was my best friend...

I have this new fandom that I absolutely love, but I only have one good friend that's into it, and she's not someone I talk to about ships, but I have all these ship feels I need to discuss and no one to talk with about them. I've been trying to get two of my other friends to watch, partly in hopes of being able to talk with them about my pairing, but just now I was thinking about how neither of them tend to treat fandoms and pairings quite as I do, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that my ex is the one person who would truly get it. I would be able to talk to her about realizing a song I love fits them perfectly, about how *wrong* their abrupt ending was, about all the tiny little moments between them I'm searching so hard to find, about what their life should have been like... And part of me suspects I'm idolizing the past, but there really was so much good there. I could share anything and everything with her, and 9 times out of 10 she got it. We laughed the same and cried the same, and we loved our fandoms the same. She understood things. She was my girlfriend and my lover, the closest I've ever come to a true partner, but she was also my best friend and I still miss that friendship so so much. I have my Best Friend, and she's been my wonderful friend for over 13 years, but E shared so much of my passions in ways no one else ever has, and unless I find that again I don't know if I will ever be able to entirely let go.

[dtburanek]

I think I finally irritated my boss. My problem I think is I am old reliable and can always work whenever I am needed. Except I have had to get a second job because I don't work enough hours at the first one. I found one where I could still keep working. My original schedule was to work 2 - 12s and then a third shift. I figured could pull off my new job as well especially since I could get some sleep on that 3rd shift. But without telling me and planning to send the third guy home then I would have to do another 12. I requested the original schedule and got it only to find she is still sending that guy home and sending a new one just for that shift. And it seems she is irritated with me. I am so irritated and I am already exhausted. I haven't slept in 24hours and I have 20 more to go. Just needed to rant before I lost my mind. I don't think I will be very effective this shift...

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SGH-I747 using Tapatalk

[Finey_McFine]

I'm in a total BLAH mood today and no idea why. Allergies maybe? Dunno, but my wife just called and wants me to come home early cuz the kids are busy with school activities until 8ish. So, I guess I have exactly 45 minutes to get in a better mood... *sighs*

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Might get kicked out of my Nursing programme because I lost my physical form and they'll only accept the original. My dr's office has a copy they could fax, but my programme won't take it which makes no damn sense. The form is due next week, which leaves me virtually no time to get another titer done to prove I'm immunized (plus I have no dr. here and extremely limited transportation). My sister promised to look through her bedroom in case I left it there, but my hopes aren't high and if she can't find it I don't know what the hell I'll do.

[DaddyCatALSO]

Not fun., Went ion to the hospital on I thnki 1/23and was in kind of adream sate for a week or soa ftere the operation. Unsurprisinglyt I had some diaphragmatic hernioas. Problem is (and the surgeon said it can show symptoms slowly over years) the bottm of my stomach got caught in one and turned my stomach inside out. They fixed the holes and anchored my stomach tro kkeeeep it from happening again, and I moved into Northampton Manor for rhab two weeks ago. They're veery pleased with my progress but I'm still shaky trying to move without a walker so I've a ways to go yet. Keep ya posted! bobk/D'C'A'

[Pavlov'sBell]

Damn depression is going out of it's way to make me feel bad

[Finey_McFine]

My heart is breaking tonight. A very close friend passed away and I can't stop crying.

[JustSkipIt]

Shel - I am so sorry for your loss.

[Laragh]

I'm so, so sorry.

[Finey_McFine]

Thanks guys, it's an incredibly tough and unexpected loss.

[Pavlov'sBell]

I'm sorry for your loss :(

[LouCy]

I'm really sorry...
And the feeling that comes with it is one of the worst, helplessness...

In a few days it will be a year since a young family friend was killed in a car accident.
She was on her way to teach primary, had plans for NewYork (where her boyfriend was going to propose) and, it seemed, her whole life ahead of her.
Losing her has affected my whole family, and so many more people, but that's how we know she was loved so so much, and forever will be.

...aside from that, I'm lonely.
A lot has happened in my life, good and bad and I just want to share it with someone, and though I've got my girlfriend (she's almost too much a part of me), and family and friends, I don't feel like there is anyone I can be fully honest and raw with,

...ever feel like that?

-LouCy x

[DaddyCatALSO]

"ever feel like that?" Oh, gosh, yes!

[LouCy]

"ever feel like that?" Oh, gosh, yes!

well at least now we know, we're not truly alone...

-LouCy x

[writerfreak]

In 24 hours it will mark 7 months to the day since my grandmother's death. Her not being around is still breaking me apart inside. I try very hard not to show it, and one of the perks of being mostly anonymous is that I can do things like that without it affecting my family. They are possibly even worse than I am. I thought by doing things to memorialize her would make it easier. I ran off and got a tattoos and they didn't work. I wrote terrible poetry, screamed and cried my eyes out and its not working. At this point I don't know whether I'm trying to bring back the best of the memories, or simply her. No matter what, it isn't working.

writerfreak

[CrazyTaraWitch]

It's hard to discover two years into a very close friendship that you disagree on a very fundamental level about something that matters to you deeply. I am very avidly pro-choice, but I've always thought I would be able to have pro-life friends (if perhaps not close ones). It never occurred to me that a woman I've become extremely close to and adopted as a sister would turn out to pro-life, and for slut-shaming reasons. I love her dearly, but right in this moment I find myself disappointed in her views. I've always thought myself to be nonjudgemental and accepting of other viewpoints, but I'm struggling not to think think less of her and I feel very ashamed of that fact.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I had one of the worst night's sleep of my life. To be fair, by being in bed close to 10 hours I probably slept around 6, but it doesn't feel like it because I woke up over and over... Then at 10am the emergency alarm system got tested, so that was a super fun way to wake up.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I had the PERFECT cast for my play, but the other directors thought A (who is our best actress by far, and who I know wanted to be in my play) had too many roles so I had to give her up. Her dynamic with J was superb and I was super excited to have them work together; I know M will be good in the part I had for A, and I think K will do well in the part I had for M, but I had everything mapped out in my head based around the perfection that was J and A together and I'm feeling super bummed. I was so excited about my play, and now I just keep thinking about how it's going to be so much less than it could have been. Plus, given that A is the only real friend I have here and I never see her anymore, I was really looking forward to working with her the next two months, but now that's gone too. I know if I can just get back to a good attitude this will still be a fun experience, but right now I'm just really down that something I've been so happy about is going to be a lot less awesome than I imagined.

[writerfreak]

First night I've ever gone out to a bar for a party and it actually went worse than I thought it would. Its bad when a birthday party ends with you in tears, but of course my best friend had to play a song that made me think of my grandmother and therefore cry.

writerfreak

[Pavlov'sBell]

-

(Nevermind)

[CrazyTaraWitch]

I wish I knew how to talk to my parents about their problems. That's what you're supposed to do with addicts-- tell them their behavior concerns you, have interventions, try to help them see why it matters and that it's not the only way to live. But when it comes to my parents I don't know how. Over the last few months I've learned a lot about alcoholism/alcohol abuse that I didn't understand before, and I wish I could *do something* about the effects it has on my parents and my siblings and me. I do want my parents to live healthier lives, but I also just want to stop feeling so damn helpless.

How do you tell the man who raised you that he drinks too much, when he's had the same 5-10 drinks nearly every day since before you were born? How do you make him understand that just because he's never had an accident doesn't make it okay to drive home after a whiskey and a couple beers? He's a smart, educated man; intellectually he knows the impacts of chronic over-drinking. Whether he simply doesn't care or has somehow convinced himself that because he functions well none of it applies to him I honestly don't know. And I don't know how to ask. I've never known how to talk to him, and his drinking is part of why.
How do I get my stepmum to listen, when she and I can fight over breathing in the same room? I love her and I worry about her, but I never know if talking to her will lead to genuine discourse and hugs or screaming and sobbing and feeling like I'm the most worthless piece of shit to ever come into her life.

Alcoholism is an addiction. There is medicine to help cure the brain, and therapy to target the emotional reasons behind their reliance on alcohol. A stranger or a patient, I could figure out what to say, because I know things now; I get that alcoholics aren't horrible people for being addicts. Maybe I can even forgive my dad someday for being one. But when it comes to he and my stepmum, I might as well know absolutely nothing about causes and repercussions and cures for all the good it does.

I want to help them, but if I'm totally honest what I want even more is just to have this weight off my chest. To not feel like I'm a failure. What precisely it is that I think I'm failing at I don't even know, but every time I think about my parents' problems and the fact I do nothing to help it's hard not to hate myself.

[writerfreak]

Seriously sometimes exes are the most fucked up things in the entire world. Its one thing to mess with me, but to mess with my wife. Her career. Thats seriously fucked. You don't just get to do shit like that. You don't barge back into someone's life and manage to fuck with the person they married because you want them back. She could be fired for this, I could be banned from ever attending an event again for this and over what? Because someone's got their panties in a twist because I got married. That's fucking stupid. I don't understand how someone who had you for all of two seconds thinks that they have any right to do shit like this. Here's to you Carson, here's to you for showing me exactly why I walked so far and so fast. Gonna be lucky if sorting this bull is ALL I do one last time, instead of going to authorities.

(I feel the need to add that no Carson is not on the KB, and is unaware of its existence. I also apologize for combining my rant with my crappy feelings)

writerfreak

[EasierSaid]

My youngest is sick (fever, probably headache; the older one just had it) and it breaks my heart to see him so miserable. Poor little dude. Just hope he can sleep it off tonight.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

Today my sister was asking about my trips to Germany and then my ex that lived there, and it was the first time I'd talked about her in a very long time. I realized it was 4 years ago yesterday that I saw her for the last time. It's so far in the past now, but it makes me sad that I've had so little love since. For all that the relationship was far from perfect, so many of my happiest memories were with her. Even though my more recent relationship was more stable and probably healthier, it rarely gave me the sort of passion and pure joy I knew with my first real love. I miss the feelings-- the good ones at least, the happiness and the hope and the true belief that I was going to be loved forever. These days I find it very hard to imagine I'll ever find someone to build a life with, and I miss believing that I already had. I miss feeling truly loved.

[CrazyTaraWitch]

My best friend's grandmother has been having health problems for months, but now it looks like she's finally nearing the end. Her grandmother's been miserable and I know a part of B has wished she would pass because she doesn't seem to be enjoying life in the least and it's been a huge drain on B's mum (and B herself, since she's been involved in care and been her mother's primary support). Today B called me, saying that her grandmother is doing badly and "not actively dying" but I guess pretty close, and I've rarely heard her so upset. She's with her grandmother, but her mum's not there because *she's* at the doctor's getting back results to find out if she has breast cancer. And B has some other stuff she's trying to process that already had her thrown before this day started, and it just all sucks.

And I'm far away, and I know even if I were there I couldn't do anything, but I hate that I can't even offer to hang out or hold her while she cries or binge on ice cream and/or alcohol. She has friends there who will take care of her if she needs it and it helps knowing that, but I still hate not being there.


ETA: B's mum is cancer free, so that's a *huge* load off her mind, and mine. Things still kind of suck for her and I know it's been a rough day, but it's a huge relief.

[writerfreak]

I'm an idiot. Really and truly I am such an idiot. Yesterday my dumb ass trips down the stairs at work, heard a pop in my ankle and got up and continued walking even though it hurt like hell. Serious hell. But I thought I could walk it off. I get home last night and considering I've dealt with sprained ankles before and I thought that's what it was I treated it as such. Elevated it, switched between ice and heat, wrapped it up tight, all of it. 3 o'clock this morning I wake up and have to pee and it won't bear my weight. 6:45 this morning I literally have to crawl out of bed to get to my phone to call my office and tell them what happened and that its bad. Now I have to wait for my wife to get home so I can go to the hospital and stop by my office to fill out paperwork because unfortunately it was my right ankle which means I also can't drive. Fucking stupid. And the wife is totally mad at me too. This day is already terrible and its just now 9 am. I think I need to start investing in a flower company to make it up to her especially after she yelled at me that I could have broken my neck. Ugh. I just want to get some real sleep.

writerfreak

[EasierSaid]

Had an insanely challenging day and I'm just worn out. I feel physically tired, mentally exhausted, emotionally drained... Done in. Hoping that tomorrow is a much, much better day because I could really use a break.

[JustSkipIt]

One of my team member's (she sits 2 desks from me) son killed himself last night.

Horrible. Senseless.