Things that make you go hmmm? The general humor thread.

[urnofosiris]

That is funny, almost as funny as your sig

[FineyMcFine]

These are two original jokes for those of us who love hot beverages:

Q: Did you hear about the woman who left her husband because he made bad coffee?

A: It was grounds for divorce.

Q: Did you hear about the couple who split up because they couldn't agree on what kind of tea to drink?

A: It had been brewing for a while.

[FineyMcFine]

Sometimes it seems like all the news on TV and in the paper is bad. But CNN proved me wrong today - I hear this was also on the Today Show.

Crime-fighting cheerleaders (links to a CNN.com article)

It's a short article, but these are the most relevant paragraphs which cracked me up and I spent quite a while this morning chuckling over it (the coach is talking about a hit-and-run they witnessed):

"I knew I was going to not remember it because there was too much going on," coach Patricia Clark said Monday on NBC's "Today." "So, when I ran down the street and got the plate number, I yelled to the girls: 'Remember this!"'

The cheerleaders put their skills to work, chanting the license number.

"The coach just said it and we were saying it over and over, and then it just turned into a big chant since we kept repeating it," said Kimmie Ostrowski, a senior captain for the team who also appeared on "Today."

HEE! I take back anything I ever said that was uncomplimentary about cheerleaders.

[FineyMcFine]

Okay, this is also very humorous and farcical, and made me snort my diet Coke when I read it. The pictures and captions are priceless.

http://swiftreport.blogs.com/news/2005/08/poll_rove_bush_.html

[Warduke]

25 Mind-Numbingly Stupid Quotes About Hurricane Katrina And Its Aftermath

1) "I don't think anybody anticipated the breach of the levees." –President Bush, on "Good Morning America," Sept. 1, 2005, six days after repeated warnings from experts about the scope of damage expected from Hurricane Katrina

2) "What I'm hearing which is sort of scary is that they all want to stay in Texas. Everybody is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway so this (chuckle) – this is working very well for them." –Former First Lady Barbara Bush, on the Hurricane flood evacuees in the Houston Astrodome, Sept. 5, 2005

3) "It makes no sense to spend billions of dollars to rebuild a city that's seven feet under sea level....It looks like a lot of that place could be bulldozed." –House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.), Aug. 31, 2005

4) "We've got a lot of rebuilding to do ... The good news is — and it's hard for some to see it now — that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house — he's lost his entire house — there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch." (Laughter) —President Bush, touring hurricane damage, Mobile, Ala., Sept. 2, 2005

5) "Considering the dire circumstances that we have in New Orleans, virtually a city that has been destroyed, things are going relatively well." –FEMA Director Michael Brown, Sept. 1, 2005

6) "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job." –President Bush, to FEMA director Michael Brown, while touring Hurricane-ravaged Mississippi, Sept. 2, 2005

7) "I have not heard a report of thousands of people in the convention center who don't have food and water." –Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, on NPR's "All Things Considered," Sept. 1, 2005

8) "Well, I think if you look at what actually happened, I remember on Tuesday morning picking up newspapers and I saw headlines, 'New Orleans Dodged the Bullet.' Because if you recall, the storm moved to the east and then continued on and appeared to pass with considerable damage but nothing worse." –Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, blaming media coverage for his failings, "Meet the Press," Sept. 4, 2005

9) "I mean, you have people who don't heed those warnings and then put people at risk as a result of not heeding those warnings. There may be a need to look at tougher penalties on those who decide to ride it out and understand that there are consequences to not leaving.” –Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), Sept. 6, 2005

10) "You simply get chills every time you see these poor individuals...many of these people, almost all of them that we see are so poor and they are so black, and this is going to raise lots of questions for people who are watching this story unfold." –CNN's Wolf Blitzer, on New Orleans' hurricane evacuees, Sept. 1, 2005

11) "What didn't go right?'" –President Bush, as quoted by House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-CA), after she urged him to fire FEMA Director Michael Brown "because of all that went wrong, of all that didn't go right" in the Hurricane Katrina relief effort

12) "Now tell me the truth boys, is this kind of fun?" –House Majority Leader Tom Delay (R-TX), to three young hurricane evacuees from New Orleans at the Astrodome in Houston

13) "We finally cleaned up public housing in New Orleans. We couldn't do it, but God did." –Rep. Richard Baker (R-LA) to lobbyists, as quoted in the Wall Street Journal

14) "Louisiana is a city that is largely under water." –Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, news conference, Sept. 3, 2005

15) "I also want to encourage anybody who was affected by Hurricane Corina to make sure their children are in school." –First Lady Laura Bush, twice referring to a "Hurricane Corina" while speaking to children and parents in South Haven, Mississippi, Sept. 8, 2005

16) "It's totally wiped out. ... It's devastating, it's got to be doubly devastating on the ground." –President Bush, turning to his aides while surveying Hurricane Katrina flood damage from Air Force One, Aug. 31, 2005

17) "I believe the town where I used to come – from Houston, Texas, to enjoy myself, occasionally too much – will be that very same town, that it will be a better place to come to." –President Bush, on the tarmac at the New Orleans airport, Sept. 2, 2005

18) "Last night, we showed you the full force of a superpower government going to the rescue." –MSNBC's Chris Matthews, Sept. 1, 2005

19) "You know I talked to Haley Barbour, the governor of Mississippi yesterday because some people were saying, 'Well, if you hadn't sent your National Guard to Iraq, we here in Mississippi would be better off.' He told me 'I've been out in the field every single day, hour, for four days and no one, not one single mention of the word Iraq.' Now where does that come from? Where does that story come from if the governor is not picking up one word about it? I don't know. I can use my imagination.” –Former President George Bush, who can give his imagination a rest, interview with CNN’s Larry King, Sept. 5, 2005

20) "We just learned of the convention center – we being the federal government – today." –FEMA Director Michael Brown, to ABC's Ted Koppel, Sept. 1, 2005, to which Koppel responded " Don't you guys watch television? Don't you guys listen to the radio? Our reporters have been reporting on it for more than just today."

21) "I don't want to alarm everybody that, you know, New Orleans is filling up like a bowl. That's just not happening." -Bill Lokey, FEMA's New Orleans coordinator, in a press briefing from Baton Rouge, Aug. 30, 2005

22) "FEMA is not going to hesitate at all in this storm. We are not going to sit back and make this a bureaucratic process. We are going to move fast, we are going to move quick, and we are going to do whatever it takes to help disaster victims." --FEMA Director Michael Brown, Aug. 28, 2005

23) "I don't make judgments about why people chose not to leave but, you know, there was a mandatory evacuation of New Orleans." –FEMA Director Michael Brown, arguing that the victims bear some responsibility, CNN interview, Sept. 1, 2005

24) "I understand there are 10,000 people dead. It's terrible. It's tragic. But in a democracy of 300 million people, over years and years and years, these things happen." --GOP strategist Jack Burkman, on MSNBC's "Connected," Sept. 7, 2005

25) "Thank President Clinton and former President Bush for their strong statements of support and comfort today. I thank all the leaders that are coming to Louisiana, and Mississippi and Alabama to our help and rescue. We are grateful for the military assets that are being brought to bear. I want to thank Senator Frist and Senator Reid for their extraordinary efforts. Anderson, tonight, I don't know if you've heard – maybe you all have announced it -- but Congress is going to an unprecedented session to pass a $10 billion supplemental bill tonight to keep FEMA and the Red Cross up and operating." –Sen. Mary Landrieu (D-LA), to CNN's Anderson Cooper, Aug. 31, 2005, to which Cooper responded:

"I haven't heard that, because, for the last four days, I've been seeing dead bodies in the streets here in Mississippi. And to listen to politicians thanking each other and complimenting each other, you know, I got to tell you, there are a lot of people here who are very upset, and very angry, and very frustrated. And when they hear politicians slap – you know, thanking one another, it just, you know, it kind of cuts them the wrong way right now, because literally there was a body on the streets of this town yesterday being eaten by rats because this woman had been laying in the street for 48 hours. And there's not enough facilities to take her up. Do you get the anger that is out here?"

[urnofosiris]

That definitely makes me go hmmm. Their stupidity is killing people as surely as the hurricane itself did.

[xita]

I swear that upsets my stomach. What a bunch of fuckers.

[Repost Moderator]

Originally posted by Feena

Well it made me laugh

Failure

[Repost Moderator]

Originally posted by YMKA



Oh god....thanks...I really needed that

[Repost Moderator]

Originally posted by skittles

Thank you!!

Thank You!!

THANK YOU!!!

[sam]

Haha..that was sooo great . Love sam xx

[xita]

Gotta love google.

[urnofosiris]

It is the best search engine there is and that just proves it beyond any reasonable doubt. That is just damned perfect. How did you find out btw?

[Feena]

Someone posted it on a Doctor Who board I go on. I tried it out myself first, I was amazed it worked but I thought it was great

How does Google work? Can people pay for their sites to appear at the top or does it just go by the number of times people access a site?

I thought maybe some anti-Bush people might have paid for it

[FineyMcFine]

This is a funny political cartoon from Mike Luckovich at the Atlanta Journal-Constitution about Barbara Bush's comments about refugees in the Astrodome. I read it in Newsweek this morning and cracked the heck up.

Click here to see cartoon

[Jennpurr]

I thought I would bump the thread with some websites I found today.

http://www.topeuro.co.uk/blagger/the_duel.html

http://www.badgerbadgerbadger.com/

http://www.rathergood.com/moon_song/

http://d93.k12.id.us/~tech/smile.html

[LtSticks]

BWHAHAHAHAHAHA Jenn those were so funny, I was crying at the moon song...I think my flatmates wondered what all the cackling was about...

[tarawhipped]

Imagine my surprise when I logged onto Yahoo and saw this headline: Anglican primates challenge their leader

I think they mean "prelates"...if not, that's some wacky church!

-Cam

[Jennpurr]

There once was a woman who owned a fake/stuffed tiger. One day she noticed that the tiger had a sweater jacket lying on it's back. She thought, 'Hmmm... how did that get there?' Her arm was reaching for the jacket before her brain could process what might happen next. All of a sudden, the "stuffed" tiger lunged for her and attacked her. She jumped backwards. You'd think she would have learned her lesson, but she didn't. She was reaching for the jacket again. The tiger once again lunged for her and she ran away, slamming the door to the room she fled to, scaring the poor innocent "live" cat that lay there on the bed. It was in that moment that she knew what she must do.

Pulling herself together, she petted the warm breathing confused cat that still lay on the bed and opened the door. Slowly, cautiously, she stepped into the previous room. Extending her arm, she creeped forward and tried once again to reach for the jacket that the "stuffed" tiger was protecting. Her fingers met the animal's fur and...

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

It jumped at her and they fell to the ground, wrestling on the carpeted floor. A few moments later the "cotton" tiger leaped in the air and landed with a thud on the other side of the room.

It had survived the evil Krazy Dreamer monster. My g/f however, she is distraught, shaking on the floor, and singing non-sense words about, "Breaking up with a pig is hard to do." I don't know if she'll ever be the same again.


Jen

[FloatingRose]

I'm not sure if this has been posted before but it had me in tears...

http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/54/Farting+Preacher+Two/stream

[FineyMcFine]

FOR THOSE WHO ENJOY LANGUAGE
(OR SEVERE BUT INTERESTING DISTORTIONS THEREOF)

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion! .

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?(It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

[Jennpurr]

http://news.com.com/Create+an+e-annoyance,+go+to+jail/2010-1028_3-6022491.html?part=rss&tag=6022491&subj=news

I found this today: http://www.crystalpro.com/coolstuff/dump2.htm

[GayNow]

This made me laugh...a lot.

[Candleshoe]

I would agree wholeheartedly, GayNow. The whole Fake Gay Newssite is inspired, and I treat it like medicine for my soul. Now I make sure that get at least one lung-tiring, laugh-out-loud moment every day.

[Darth Pacula]

G'day all.

Ok, this is a true story from the weekend newspaper that made me laugh out loud, so I thought my fellow kittens might enjoy it.

Right, so there's this bank robber who escaped from prison by losing 14kg in a few weeks so that he could squeeze through a gap between the brickwork and the bars of his cell window. He was on the run for three days before the boys in blue nabbed him in Sydney.

But this is the amusing bit. He was disguised when he was arrested. His method of disguise? He drew a fake mustache and beard on his face with a pen. A black pen. When he's blond.

Ahh, Aussie crims. Frikin' idiots.

Cheers,
Paul.

[FineyMcFine]

I found this article to be too hilarious for words. I used to work at this newspaper when I was in high school 16 years ago. Heh.

Teasers:

"Alan was thrilled with Shelton's suggestion for a Bob Evans wedding. He was not expecting to have a wedding, but his friends came through for him and Mitchell."

"The new Mrs. Francisco Alan was too excited to go into details."

Also, the article misspells "altar." Enjoy!

[GayNow]

My aunt emailed this little gem to me this morning. Made me laugh quite a lot.

THIS is why we have betas and proofreaders for our stories!!!

They're Back! Church Bulletins: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
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Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
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The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
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The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several
new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin. ---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

[GayNow]

Okay, I know this is probably very old...but I think it's funny.
[hr]
A Spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

"House,'' for instance, is feminine: ''la casa.''

''Pencil,'' however, is masculine: "el lapiz.''

A student asked, ''What gender is 'computer'?'' Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer'' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.


The men's group decided that ''computer'' should definitely be of the feminine gender (''la computadora'') because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

(THIS GETS BETTER!)

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (''el computador'') because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


The women won.

[Aiwe]

Whaha that's great!

[FineyMcFine]

Of the church ladies' one, this one just makes me laugh and laugh whenever I think of it:

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.